mother and black people

i'm just going to say it. mother is prejudiced towards black people. over the years she has come to believe that all the black people are after all the indian people's jewelery. she panics when we're out at night and she sees a black man in the distance. she starts running towards the car and will check the locks over and over again. this is not a laughing matter but her reaction cracks me up.

anyway brother has made a new friend and he's black. a fellow artist he met someplace. i've met the guy and yes he absolutely looks like he just escaped from prison but that doesn't necessarily make him a criminal. anyway he came over the other day and mother was introduced to him. she served him a snack and came right over to the living room where i was, to check with me if he made me nervous. i was like no ma, you're mad. go watch your lifetime movie but she was seriously panicking. the whole time he was here she kept checking to make sure all her precious dolls were still in the showcase. all i cared about was the tv and i was watching it so i wasn't worried.

anyway the guy came over again last night and stayed pretty late. around 11ish mother calls brother on his cell phone, asks him to come upstairs and proceeds to give him a lecture on this unacceptable situation. apparently she said something along the lines of "but you barely know him, aren't you bothered about our safety?" at this point brother, usually the polite respectful one, told her to lock her door if she was scared. bravo brother! so now there's this tension between the two and me being the delightful daughter and sister that i am have decided mother needs to get over this ridiculousness. y'all remember raven? i have decided to invite her over along with her mum, sister and baby for a meal. i've met her family. they're fun and seem like nice people so i went ahead and did a sort of pre invite, basically letting them know that i would be inviting them over shortly but now that i'm thinking about it i feel like i might have rushed into it a little. see raven is not the issue. it's her mum i'm worried about. she is known to show lots of boobage and you know how easily desi people are scandalized. they will cover their mouths in shock and shake their heads. i have been advised by bikerdude to wrap her in a shawl the minute she walks in the door and tell her it is some type of welcoming the guest tradition and i might seriously consider doing this.

the other thing is her mum is always talking about some hot man she just met. the other day she was telling me about these two indian guys she dated back in the day. i was like two indian guys? that's more than me! also with the baby being there mother might want to know where the baby daddy is and where her sister works. the answer to those two questions is 'somewhere around' and 'no where at the moment' respectively. you see what i'm saying? i don't want to invite this family over and just reinforce the stereotype mother is used to seeing on tv. ugh it's so complicated. i don't know what to do but mother has got to learn. i will figure this out and keep you guys posted.

p.s. if this goes well i'm going to invite gaybour over along with his "roommate" because that's another thing mother needs to get over. and brother too. like a lot of indian men he's homophobic and we need to cure that pronto. there's no knowing when gaysin will decide to out himself. look at me! tackling one social issue at a time. now hand me my nobel prize.

who do i have to marry to get my own televison channel?

as your tv watching favourite blogger i feel like now would be a good time to tell you what shows you need to be watching this summer because i realize summer tv choices aren't as choicy. it's true, the networks give us b grade crap to watch between the months of april and september. i don't get it. just because it's nice out do they assume we're all going to simultaneously jump off of our couches and head to the park? anyway there is no need to worry. i am here to help. and at absolutely no cost. all i ask is you give disco and obama your blessing.

alright starting off with this weekend, miss universe is on sunday night in the us and at some unearthly hour in india and in vietnam where it is being held. i recommend you watch it. last year was bloody brilliant. this time round we have a miss india who doesn't really look indian. i'd believe you if you told me she was latina or some type of middle eastern/european blend. she alright though. did well in a couple of preliminary rounds. my three step plan for her to take the title is as follows.

1. keep the hair down. let me clear up this misconception people seem to have about the air hostess bun. it is not a good luck charm for miss india. seriously. the stretched forehead look went out in the mid nineties. along with the white gloves.

2. go easy on the drag queen make up.

3. try not to fall on your ass. if at any time you find yourself falling reach out for miss usa. that bitch looks strong. plus everyone's so sure she's going to win this year and we don't like it when everyone's right. that and we'd really like to see a well coordinated group fall.

for detailed analysis go here. [warning: these guys are REALLY into it.]

next if you like funny people you need to be watching last comic standing. however i recommend you only watch the last 30 minutes of every show. this is the time they have so kindly allotted for joke telling. the first ninety minutes are mostly fillers. their most favourite filler is "coming up after the break". it's like why don't you just take the damn break and come back instead of this pre break post break sneak peak. that and they love wasting time with the whole secret voting thing after which they will show everyone, including the contestants, the tapes they have just recorded. it makes absolutely no sense. then there's the bitching and the i'm funnier than you type arguments. today they even wasted 10 minutes getting to the damn voting area. the drive there, their reactions on the chosen location, the comics taking their seats, papa cj apologizing to some chick because he just voted for her. gahhhhh! he's totally getting on my nerves. damn it i wish that varghese boy had made it instead.

now if like me you prefer more jokes per minute watch kathy griffin instead. her show is on thursdays. last comic standing is on at the same time but bravo has this weird thing they do where they'll show you a show and then repeat it like right away, so it's cool, you can watch both shows. also kathy's assistants are super fun. one of the girls has by the far the most infectious laugh on cable tv. [anyone watch the episode where the entire team flies to ireland with her dad's ashes and end up at his favourite pub where along with the locals they drink in his memory. sniff. it was so sweet. now all of a sudden i feel like breaking into "talli... mein talli.... mein talli ho gayi..." how awesome is that song? and mallika sherawat looks normal. sweet even.

anyway not to forget the biggest summer show on tv - the olympics!



bwahahahahaha. of course i was kidding. who wants to watch a bunch of sweaty people in spandex who constantly look like they're in great pain. instead i would suggest you watch spandex free project runway. it starts in 6 days. woo hoo!

as i type this brother is playing eye of the tiger on his guitar. i am very disturbed.

hump day stories

i just found out this lame ass woman won a bunch of money in our inter office photo contest. the winning picture is of her 5 year old eating watermelon. the kid isnt particularly good looking or anything, plus you can totally tell she's fake posing. i feel robbed even though i never entered the stupid contest.

in other news this incredibly happy man with giant manboobs just said to me "i had an easy subtraction error this morning so obviously im all like woo hoooo." i have no idea what the fool was talking about and i was definitely not going to ask so i made my half second laughing noise and he left. yeah. super weird.

you take care now blaudience while i get back to my fascinating life where i sit around dreaming about my upcoming vacation. 2 weeks to go bitch. woo hoo!

also my comic discovery of the month from this season's last comic standing [and no it's not papa cj the token desi on the show who might be funny if he would quit singing all of his jokes] is this fool - paul foot. youtube him.

i see orange people

american women have been wearing makeup for years now [and by makeup i mean full makeup] so they think they know what they're doing. the current most popular look for a modern woman is the clean 'no makeup' look which is fine except on the way to looking not made up they end up looking biracial. let me explain. after the liquid foundation/mineral makeup powder has been set and the evening of the skin tone has taken place there is this natural bronzing step that follows. you are told to apply the bronzer where the sun naturally hits your cheek. apparently there's this one part of the cheek that the sun is supposed to hit but turns out the sun doesn't know shit and so you must do its job for it. once your cheek has been bronzed it must be blushed. that way it looks like you just tasted your desi colleague's thenginkaayi chutney while simultaneously spotting your office crush. tres natural. other ways to attain this look - calling your desi colleague 'appu'. this method works best. the redness will stay all day.

moving on to the next step, and to the most important part of the face - the eyes. more specifically the brightening of the eyes. look up eye brighteners - they're all the rage. so basically some type of eye brightener is applied along with a shiny white powder in the area surrounding the eyes. this is to make your eyes pop. [other ways to make your eyes pop - matching your necklace to your eye colour, colouring your hair red, using blue eyeliner thereby making the whitepart of your eyes whiter. yes i watch lots of makeover type shows] this will leave you with a slightly pale complexion on 50% of your face. about 20% of your face will be naturally orange and for upto 3 inches below the eyes you're rocking the albino look. wonderful. you now look wide awake. the mascara in your eyelashes whilst making your eyes appear super big also make you look slightly hillary clinton-esque. but we're not done yet because no modern woman's look is complete without the lip gloss. matte lipstick is so your mother. and her mother. not you. your lips must stay shiny all day. and we're not just talking a little shiny. your lips must act as natural mirrors reflecting the sun's rays. see this is how you get it to bounce off onto your cheekbones. the thing about super shiny lip gloss - 1. you look like a natural bimbo without even opening your mouth. and 2. there's this strange unexplained correlation between super shiny lips and a permanent pout.

for perfect examples of this type of makeup see your local newscaster. also the people from e news. but they're from la and everyone's that shade of orange there so they're cool.

p.s. while our american counterparts are trying to replicate all the colours of the rainbow on their face we in india are only trying to get to one shade - white. nonsense rubbish.

never mind. i just saw the new priyanka chopra ad where you can pick what shade of white you want to be. pale white or pinkish white.

picture courtesy bikerdodanna.

and now for some completely useless trivia....

that new kid from jaane tu ya jaane na [the one you're too embarrassed to admit you have a crush on] is going out with this chick [i know this because i look at what people wear to red carpet premieres] who i spotted in an ill fitting blue shiny number holding hands with our hero for no apparent reason. i then reached deep into the television archives of my brain, way back to the nineties for sony entertainment television programming and voila i recognized said girl. she used to be on that show 'just mohabbat'. raise your hand if you had a crush on jai. anyway now that i've watched the movie and fallen in love with it [any movie starring best friends who fall in love has my vote especially if boy best friend has bushy eyebrows] i realized that jai and aditi the central characters in this movie happen to share names with the central characters on just mohabbat.

that's all i've got.

p.s. is there a way i could possibly make some money from all of this knowledge accumulated in my brain from all these years of tv viewing. it will come in handy some day no?

p.p.s. the loner brother in jaane tu ya jaane na [one of my favourite characters in the movie] is supposedly raj babbar's son. more importantly smita patil's son. we like muchly.

raven from work has a bit of a situation. she is looking for a good stylist who can cut and perm her hair, only she doesn’t know how to ask said person over the phone if they cut black peoples' hair. now this is an important question to ask because nobody wants someone experimenting on their hair but i get how it might be slightly awkward to bring it up. that and raven is shy. but more importantly raven doesn’t talk black. in fact raven has often been described as the whitest black girl you will ever meet. this doesn’t mean raven talks white. raven is just raven. she has what you would call an indeterminate accent and for the seven months or so that i have known her she has only spoken in one tone. one very very low tone. even her laughter tends to be in the same tone which has lead to much horror for virgin listeners.

anyway me being the wonderfully helpful co worker that i am, offered a creative solution to her problem.

"look it's really simple. you just want to convey to the other person that you're black, that way they can tell you if they're qualified to do a good job with your hair or not. so all you have to do is call and be like hey girrrrrrrrrrrrrl! wasssup? this is shaneequa and i was just calling to axe you if you could cut my hair."

i also suggested she play hip hop music in the background.

she decided my recommendation although hysterical [she made me do my fake black accent for the rest of the office] was highly useless and so she called her mother instead. her mum told her to just directly ask if they did african american hair. she also added "but girl, if you hear an asian accent at the other end of the phone you better hang the eff up."


this morning raven was all happy because she had managed to get herself an appointment.

me: ooh how did you do it?

raven: oh my mum called the lady for me.

me: really? so how did she ask her?

raven: oh. she's already black.

me: okay then. i guess that solves that.

raven: oh and the place is called ‘baby girl’s hottest styles’.

me: bwahahahaha. i wouldn’t worry about it then.

we're tired, disco and me. YOU entertain us. got any good blogger gossip? or let's pretend the year is 1999 and this is an icq chat room. remember those?

dasavataleharate - some questions for whoever else paid cash money to go watch this crap.

1. why was giant ear-holed ajji clinging to the body of clay faced jaggesh lookalike at the end? does anyone know what that was about? did she assume they were related since they both had chapathi hittu faces?

2. this asin person, will she be giving up her acting career soon in order to marry some type of south indian producer/director? i'm just saying this would be one instance where i would absolutely support the giving up of a career to contribute to marital bliss.

3. wasn't jay leno's appearance like such an awesome surprise? who knew he could act?

4. how many monkeys do you think were killed during the making of this movie?

5. was anyone else disappointed that jayalalitha was played by jayalalitha?

6. how many tamil speaking japanese women do you think auditioned for the role of the hero's traitor friend's wife with the kick boxing talent?

7. do you think jains and parsis everywhere are offended that kamal didn't take the time to stereotype someone from their community?

8. the part about the cancer being destroyed by the bullet, that was by far my most favourite idea stolen from another b grade movie.

9. can i sue funasia cinemas for not informing me prior to entering the movie hall that the movie was in telugu and that it had no subtitles?

10. did anyone else take the day off to recuperate from this movie? no? just me? it's mother's birthday also so i had two reasons.

p.s. guess what today is? the premiere of weeds season 4. i have no idea why but i get showtime now. i'm not subscribed to it or anything but it's working so i get to watch weeds tonight. omg i'm going to die. the excitement is killing me. suck it khal.

alright alright ill record it and mail it to you if you beg.

oh and 'the happening'. loved it. shymalan wasn't in it though which made me very upset. other reasons i was upset - i had to sit on the stairs [carpeted and all with a little bit of pop corn thrown in for decoration/or emergency snack] because there were no seats left, which was why they weren't selling tickets to the show anymore but brother and i being as determined as we were to watch it bought tickets to kung fu panda and snuck into 'the happening' anyway. totally worth it.

you know how at the bottom of a web page it'll sometimes say 'previous entries'? well for some reason every time i see one of those i think it says 'previous entrées' and then i get really hungry. does this happen to anyone else?

also why didn't anyone tell me i was insane to think driving from la to denver and denver to houston would be a fantastic idea? i just mapquested it and turns out i can save 9 hours if i just drove from la to houston. i could just fly to denver on the way to la. see! much simpler. thanks for nothing blaudience.

kp - contact baby vyjayanti and puppy manohar asap. they're supposed to set us up since we're the same person and all. [p.s. do you have a ba type person in your family who can make awesome besan ladoo?]

i hung out with three little kids today for almost 20 minutes and i did not have the urge to pick one up and fling it across the room. not even when one threw a tissue at me. not even when one was like "where are your kids?" and i was like "what? do i look old enough to have kids?" and she was like "yeah." not even then. what the hell is wrong with me? when did i suddenly learn to be patient and appreciate little people? [rbr this does not mean i want to have babies. please do not offer me any sperm.]

overheard at the office

male co worker - so have you gotten it done yet?

female co worker - no. i'm still waiting. maybe in a few weeks.

you should just do it.

yeah. i mean i really want to.

so you're just gonna wait till you're hotter?

hehe. no! [brushes hair to side]

at this point i'm dying to know what they're talking about. i've already come up with a dozen or so inappropriate subjects that they could be discussing. a boob job [not that she needs one] some type of body piercing. i did not however think it was the air conditioning in her car. oh and apparently he said "wait till it's hotter" not "wait till you're hotter."

it's 8pm and cnn has a projection

Dear Barack Obama,

yay!!!!

luv,

disco and pri.

p.s. don't pick her as your running mate. i know they'll try to talk you into it but don't do it. you don't need her. you have disco and me. and olbermann.

SATC

i just got back from watching the sex and the city movie. i highly recommend it. the fashion is fabulous. you will want everything. well almost everything.

first of all the blue manolo blahniks were beaUtiful.

i loved them the moment i saw her take them out of the box and i was glad they got to play an important role in the movie. right at the end mother got all excited. she was like ooh do you think he hid the ring in the shoe? it's kind of sad when you have to explain to someone that the shoe IS the ring.

i counted 4 boys in the entire theatre. the one in my row was shhhed by the girlfriend when he snickered at an inappropriate moment. i was curious to find out what he had been promised in exchange for showing up.

our audience was very vocal right from the start. there were lots of oohs and aaahs and awwwwing and gasping at various stages of the movie. 'even HBO presents' got loud applause. mother added to the noise level with her comments. according to her every other outfit was "OUTRAGEOUS!" and "TOO MUCH, MY GOD!". she did say she liked the movie though except for all the sex parts. yes she was made aware of the title before we entered the hall and no she has never watched an episode of sex and the city.

charlotte's little chinese kid was super adorable.

samantha's hot naked neighbour was seriously hot!

i still don't get what's so great about big.

i decided at the end that i could potentially consider marriage [key word here being 'consider'] if it came with THAT closet. and i'm not even talking all her clothes, although that wouldn't be so terrible, but just that closet he built for her.

favourite fashion moments - the giant flower dress right at the beginning, charlotte's dress to the wedding plus all the stunning gowns for carrie's vogue shoot. i cannot believe she chose the vivienne westwood gown. it was my least favourite of the lot.

p.s. i changed my outfit twice before i left the house to watch this movie. then i decided i wasn't wearing enough colour so i decided to take along my printed silk dark green bag. i'm silly like that.

also after watching the movie i was inspired enough to dig out some heels to wear to work tomorrow. i usually wear pointy flats or ballet flats or some type of comfy sandals to work but tomorrow i will be wearing my heels. just for tomorrow. i feel like i owe it to them. them being fashionable people everywhere? i don't know. good nite.

kahin toh

my current favourite song from 'jaane tu ya jaane na'. it's on my stickam player if you want to listen. click play on the right. vasundara das' part is my favourite.

saansein kho gayi hain kiski aanhon mein
main khogayi hun jane kiski baahon mein
manzilon se rahein dhundhti chali
aur kho gayi hai manzil kahin raahon mein

i've always liked her voice because it's very urban sounding if that makes any sense. it's not the typical filmi sugary sweet horribly high pitched flutiful voice we've grown accustomed to and more importantly she sounds believable for a youngish heroine. plus she's easier to pull off in the car compared to say a shreya ghoshal.

p.s. how adorable is 'hey aditi'? also 'nazare churana'. damn it even 'pappu cant dance' is kind of catchy. ooh and the jazz song. lovely album. it's like they told rahman "make it fun and sweet and light" and he did just that.

alright good nite. muah.

update: never mind. just read baradwaj rangan's take on it. warning - his first sentence lasts an entire paragraph but it ends wonderfully. and by the way how awesome is rangan? every time i read his reviews i find myself nodding stupidly, going yeah yeah dude totally. how the hell do you always say things the way you say things? see that right there is being good at what you do.

mother is convinced the three mexican men who helped us move stole her precious sewing machine and four of her set of six wine glasses.

happy memorial day weekend! don't you love holidays that fall on mondays? i spent my saturday sleeping. like seriously all day i napped. sunday morning i hung out with gaysin in front of the couch watching ntdv. we watched yediyurappa do his thing. we laughed every time he said gornamint instead of government. i letched at sreenivasan jain. so hot!

the majority of my sunday afternoon i spent inside a car with aunty, gaysin and mother. we had to drive an hour away to find this church mother has to go to next week for a wedding. she's on a roll with the wedding invites. anyway she wanted to practice driving there so she doesn't get lost next week. a dry run if you will. have you heard of such a thing? and she does this a lot too. it's ridiculous especially when the destination is like an hour away. once we found the church she wanted to practice driving to the reception hall. i was like well you could always follow someone from the wedding to the reception but she insisted on completing the dry run so we just let her drive. did i mention she wont go above 30? and i'm not allowed to play music because it's distracting. oh and she does this thing where just when she's about to change lanes she will first move in the opposite direction almost like she's making space to do a u turn onto the next lane. it's fucking scary and it's hard when your mind is going 'holy crap lady wtf are you doing?' but all you're allowed to say is maaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! and it's even harder trying to stay calm when you're starving. also i'm somehow supposed to be able to read aloud the names of the roads for her miles before we even reach the lights. this is just in case it happens to be the road she needs to turn on. also she prefers to be on the lane she's going to turn from even if said turn is ten miles away.

as soon as we located the reception place i made her get in the passenger seat and then drove at record speed to the pakistani buffet place where i met a lady washing her feet in the sink. true story. there i was washing my hands and this woman rolls up her pyjama and proceeds to put her leg in the sink and starts washing it. i stared at her in the mirror. i couldn't take my eyes of her and then we had this awkward moment when we made eye contact in the mirror after which i did not look up again. i dried my hands and ran out before she tried to attack me with her drippy foot.

lunch time conversation was fascinating. gaysin was bitching about the service as usual. he wants to start some type of etiquette program for desi waiters where he will help them with their grammar and customer service skills. things like how to smile and bow and explain the various levels of spice to white people. also teach waiters what not to say thereby preventing a situation where the waiter might say "will you be taking sambhar?" and the white person misunderstands what he is saying and instead assumes he is talking about getting the sambhar to go. gaysin is determined there is a huge market for this. the sad part is his mother encourages him.

after lunch we went grocery shopping. i flirted with minor pakistani boy in cd shop. he gave me 50% off. ooh i can now listen to "happy in my hort, dil dance maare re" in my car. take that tgfi!

as we speak mother is drinking lassi made out of non fat yogurt and sweet and low. gaysin is drinking his chai and aunty is planning to cut open a poly mango and add salt, chilli powder, sugar and vinegar to it. i nodded enthusiastically until i heard the vinegar part.

rediscovering hedberg

i really really like stand up comedy. when i first came to the us i wasn't the tv expert i am now. i mean i knew what to watch when to watch in india but it took time for me to discover excellent shows on various channels here. one of the first things i got hooked onto was premium blend every friday on comedy central. i remember watching this one guy and i could never remember his name. all i knew was that he had long hair and he told brilliant jokes. something about a receipt for a donut and when people go missing at restaurants. i also remember reading at the end of the show that he had died a couple of years ago. he was young. like forty something. anyway last evening i saw him again on comedy central. it was the same show i had seen before. it had my donut joke. this time i took down his name and right after the show i youtubed him and watched all his videos. mitch hedberg is his name. i read this article where they've compared him to seinfeld and seinfeld's cool and all but hedberg is hedberg man. completely original. all observational humour. and dry. no drama. this isn't chris rock. a robot could tell hedberg's jokes. only he does it better. he's just a stoner guy standing on stage talking about frogs and ducks and sandwiches. just lots of completely random stuff - like the buoyancy of citrus. google that joke. i highly recommend you watch him. if you're already a fan then hey you have excellent taste. it really sucks that he's dead though. really really sucks.

You gotta love Olbermann.

your birthdays

i did not forget to call you last year. i called a bunch of times. your stupid phone was out of range but i called.

also it is proper etiquette to inform your friends when you change your cell phone number. also who doesnt check email on their birthday?

***

my favourite birthday memory so far was the one when you, me and kb went to eat at that chettinaad place on 100 ft road and i tried to hide the cake in the back of the car but you saw it way before it was time to see it. you ate that entire cake all by yourself. i'm pretty sure kb only had like one piece and okay maybe i helped a little. ooh isnt chocolate mousse cake from sweet chariot like the best cake ever to dig into? no knives or serving plates required. just two spoons. because who shares spoons? that is not romantic. that's gross.

the only other birthday i remember was at that thai place. you and all your friends, me and my portable reliance landline in case dad called from his lions club meeting to check on me. and yes if the phone had rung in the restaurant i would have answered and done the whole "nothing daddy, im just watching tv. when you coming? dont forget to bring me ice cream" speech. but the phone didnt ring. instead i got to enjoy the excellent satay chicken while pretending i was totally okay sitting between you and whatsherface. *awkward*

***

i always bought you cologne for your birthday. and nice cologne too cause i have good taste. ooh one time i bought you that guha book but only because i wanted to read it too. and one time i bought you that blue checked shirt. and you dont know this but the only reason i bought it was because it reminded me of the shirt rahul dravid was wearing in that poster in my room. hehe.

happy sidmas stupid! i hope you had good cake.

you can't make this stuff up.

mi madre es tres dramatico and other fun sentences i make up from the mixture of french and español i have learnt and since forgotten.

the other day i thought i was asking eric [in spanish] if he liked boys and to my great surprise he looking very amused said "um okay." turns out i had just stated to him that i liked boys. gahhh! moving on the real post - mother was invited to a wedding this week. she was over the moon. [do you instantly imagine a cartoon cow jumping over a cartoon moon when anyone uses that expression?]

mother loves weddings. in bangalore she went to at least one a week. funerals and weddings are her most favourite things to attend. sadly she doesn't get to go to many here so when her co worker invited her to her daughter's wedding she was very excited. she has been talking about it for days now. i have been pretending to listen. my brother, the new bakra really makes an attempt to listen. this is great for me because weeks after she has shared with us a fascinating bit of information she'll order me to do something that requires detailed knowledge of such prior information. with brother doing the listening i can always go back and get a quick recap of whatever he understood from all her rambling.

right, the wedding. mother visited bed bath and beyond to buy the happy couple a gift and came home with two exquisitely packed boxes of something householdy they had requested for. the two boxes have since added to the ambiance of our living room and today i kinda sorta miss their pretty blue blurred image. now the corners of my eye only have the dying plant from mother's day to look at. [dying plant courtesy brother "succhay goodd son!" who even bought a gas balloon which is now dead and gone and two cards for mother, one from him and one from me, which i duly signed and handed over to mother. yes i am a terrible child.]

earlier today mother was up at an unearthly hour. she dyed her hair for the special occasion and picked out one of her 113 sarees, an uber chamki majenta one if you must know, which made her look like a character from saas bahu. she then proceeded to pile on all the jewelery that wasn't in a safe deposit box somewhere on herself and then went off to grace the wonderful occasion that was the nuptials of her co worker's daughter and some fool, apparently determined to legally share some fraction of their lives together.

she came back a few hours later looking quite disappointed. apparently it was a very casual affair. "some people were even wearing hawai chappals. can you believe it? pah these american weddings!" also apparently the guests were served some type of a sandwich out of a box. she was most pissed off. since then she has acted out by opening up boxes marked 'showcase things'. how very desi of us.

the showcase things were then arranged in the showcase in the exact same order they were back in the old apartment - african art section, glass object section, silver and bronze object section, doll section, extended doll section, mini altar section [which includes this angel shaped open bible. i can't think of a better description for it], candle section, picture frame section, spoons from around the world section and other worthless junk section.

i was yelled at when i mentioned how everything was in the exact same spot as before. i mean who would've thought packing and boxes were involved in this process. it's as if she hired a giant person to carry the entire showcase from the old living room and place it in the new living room. sadly she did not share my fascination and said something about me only knowing how to make comments and not lifting a finger. another common expression old people like to use. i am all for lifting fingers. i am lifting fingers as we speak. alright, got to go. she just bellowed for me to transport the remainder of the things we never use from the dining table to the living room. i estimate this task should take me at least 8 trips back and forth depending on my balancing skills this evening. why anyone would trust me with breakable objects i don't know. i have to make it all the way from the dining room past the long corridor and into the living room and i'm wearing pajamas that are a little too long for me. bhagwaan jee mujhe shakti de.

in other tragic news i found out a few hours ago that memorial day is not for another week. here i was dreaming of a three day weekend only to be crushed by rude co worker's ill timed comment.

bm jee aka otp - WRITE! i beg you. i am on a fast until you blog again. details of fast will be emailed to you.

complicated vacations and why people who agree to it need to be shot in the face.

i feel guilty. like im cheating on you with directv or something. i guess technically it's the other way around since directv is my true love. anyway since y'all are so sad i'll copy paste email conversations for your amusement. back in the day every third post was a gtalk conversation. i kinda miss that.

karen sends me some lame forward about eye donation. he adds "plis to be understanding spam value with a message."

i reply: benchod!

karen: is that your new favourite word?

me: what are you doing? how come you don't call me anymore? like when you're drunk and roaming outside my old school at 2 am? and when are you going on your trip?

karen: Going to Delhi on Sunday to meet the other boys and their wives and then we're going to KL on Monday. Ok, I think I'm the only one not really excited about the trip somehow. Except this one place I have decided to eat at, but again, not about the trip. Also, I also found out that the chocolate massage is only for women. I dont really care about the massage, i just want to be dunked in chocolate. It's kind of kinky. All the others have planned what they're going to shop for, where they'll shop, what they will do during the day and night, where they're going to buy their stuff because it's cheaper/not fake, where they'll get their LV purses, where they'll get their cameras, their laptops, their mobiles and even where they'll get their fuckin' underwear washed. Who is abnormal, me or them?

I don't see the fun in the trip if they do that no? WTF happened to walking on the road and wanting to eat something you see on the picture in the window and then going to some mall and buying nonsense you will never use?

me: yeah yeah i hate it when people have everything planned out for their vacation. full schedule from morning to evening with tour guide and alarm clocks. "you see, we must get up at 4 am to trek up a mountian to see the sunrise etc." so lame! vacation means sleeping till some 10:30. the only reason u even wake up at 10:30 is because most hotels will act like benchods and refuse to serve you breakfast after that. after that you relax in your bed and order room service for lunch. then you take a long bath in the exotic tub and roam around the city with big sun glasses. you buy nonsense, stop and point at things in the distance, drink litttle daroo, buy more useless things and if anyone mentions camping, trekking, rock climbing, fishing etc you thup in their face. like that vacation should be. oh and at night u should come to hotel vaapas and get ready full jhaang and go out partying. then get drunk and make out with hot boy or girl of your choice and come back and sleep. rinse. repeat. no?

karen: Your description of the perfect holiday sounds more like a sindhi wedding. Yes, i like that too.

Talking of sunglasses and useless things in the same sentence - i've bought so many pairs but have never worn them because then i have to take off my regular glasses which makes me blind. Whenever i've tried to change the lenses to powered ones they say they can't do it for that particular pair i've bought and then my chutiya brothers flick it and land up losing it in a week. I can't wear contacts because it's too complicated in life.* There is this new awesome contact lense they've come out with which you wear and must take off only at the end of the month. You can supposedly swim, drive, sleep etc wearing it. But my assholing doc didn't "recommend" it because "it is after all a foreign body in the eye". Chutiya.

me: OMG! just get the fucking lenses. or get another doctor. i would have killed myself if it wasnt for contacts in the 10th std. how is it like a sindhi wedding?


* i haven't heard anyone use that expression since the 6th grade. have you?

we can't help liking this boy even though he sounds a little drunk here.

you. complete. me.

dear blaudience,

look. directv is back in my life. we have spent the past week exploring each other in ways regular tv viewers wont quite get. hence the blog has had to suffer. be patient. watch some tv or something.

muah!

p.s. i am dying to watch jimmy starring mimoh but rbr is being a total bitch. he's taking forever to find the illegal online copy for me. i will promise you if it's even half as fun as aap ka suroor i'll do a review.

my sicrit plan to get rich - ridding the world of cats while ensuring there are enough adorable babies around to make up for the lack of cute kittens.

did you hear?

now here's my million dollar idea - instead of celebrities adopting random babies and giving them exotic names they should instead make exotic looking babies and give them up for adoption. you know, to the general public. of course there would need to be some type of a bidding process and all the money could go to charity - a mirror less home for ugly babies with no celeb parents or something. i'm just saying the world could use more good looking babies. don't hate me. i'm just trying to be an entrepreneur. call me, donny deutsch.

p.s. if you're wondering what brought on this wonderful mood i can confirm that it was in fact the rain. it rained all morning and now it's all green and hill stationy outside my house.

p.p.s. we have now been cat free for almost 40 hours. life is good.

also dude tashan wasn't terrible. that u me aur hum on the other hand. good god!

fascinating little stories [code for - crap i think of when there's no tv]

the other day i was bored and i didn't have anything to do except unpack boxes. this was before i figured out i could steal the internet from unsuspecting neighbours. anyway i found this box of stationery with new notebooks and pencils and a box of dried up pens. i sharpened a bunch of pencils for a while. it was very calming. you should try it. then i started trying out all the pens and i ended up writing some 6 pages of absolute nonsense but it was very therapeutic, actually physically writing something. plus there's no backspace button so it's exactly how the thoughts flow out from your head. unfiltered and mostly gibberish. it was pretty cool. i would show you guys if i had a scanner. it's not like you could read it anyway, i have terrible handwriting.

my nose hurts. it's like someone secretly injected it with something when i was sleeping. it hurts when i touch it.

i found out the cat does not belong to the gaybours. i don't know how to get rid of the thing. anyone in the area want a kitty cat? it's tiny and black and i'm sure a lot of people will find it adorable. ooh i did get to meet the "roommate". not so hot. also i realized there's no way i could go watch tv with them. not with all those cats. and it's not like anyone invited me.

monday is when the directv people are supposed to show up with that extra receiver and the international dish. i'm going insane thinking of all the things that could possibly go wrong. there's like this evil force out there that is hell bent on keeping me away from my directv. is there a puja for that? let me know asap cause we just got back from the indian store and we have fresh coconut.

there's this open space between the garage and the back door where you can sit. and it's breezy and there's a step and for some reason it reminds me of bangalore. just that patch. i plan on sitting there a lot, in the evenings when it's cooler. see this is why we have to get rid of the animal . i'm not about to share my special space with a whiny kitty cat.

i think i'm done for now. thank you for listening.

***

hello kitty update - gaybour came over to see the cat, fell in love with it and took it to bottle feed it special pet milk. brother wasn't here when it happened. now we're trying to come up with a believable story for him. so far we have -

a: it saw something and took off. sadly this happened right as bastige was driving into his garage and ......... sob..... i'm so sorry for your loss.

b: its mother came looking for it. she asked that you meet with her later.

c: a little boy rang the doorbell crying. he said he had lost his cat. we returned it of course.

d: it accidentally got into the washing machine....i'm so sorry for your loss.

e. it looked hungry. i tried to feed it mosaranna. it threw up instantly and jumped over the neighbour's fence.

houston, we have a problem.

i can't believe i hadn't used that as a title yet.

there is a cat in my house.

a real live cat. it's about as big as my blackberry. my brother is responsible for its presence in the building. he claims it wandered into the backyard. i have a strong feeling it belongs to the gaybours. they have a cat. it probably just birthed a dozen or so such mini cats and it probably hasn't missed this one yet. or it has and at present it is plotting its revenge. currently kitty cat lives in a box in the garage. during the night when mother is asleep brother brings it up to his room where it makes strange creepy noises. i'm scared to walk down the stairs at night for fear of tripping over it. the gaybours aren't home right now and brother refuses to take it to a shelter like mother insists he should. he also refuses to just make it go the fuck away.


in other news kindly be seeing.

moving, meeting the new neighbours, losing my cell phone charger and other fun things i did today while you all had another regular old hump day.

we moved today. same complex. bigger place and you'd think that would make it easier but no. it was still excruciatingly painful. okay not so much for me because most of my stuff was still in boxes, you know from when we moved here from colorado oh some 8 months ago. see i knew it was a good idea to put off unpacking.

i like my new room but i hate my closet. it's half the size of my old one which makes no sense cause that room was smaller. i'm still trying to see if mother will switch rooms with me cause her room has the big walk in closet. i want!! what does she need that for anyway? if you ask her she'll tell you for the 113 sarees she has. she counted them in the process of moving. she announced it to me and my brother very sadly. apparently most of her sarees are back home in india and the 113 lying around here just wont do.

in tragic news i missed the directv guys today. they came to set everything up but i was in the old house and they ended up leaving a note on my door. i was pissed cause all they had to do was call me on my cell phone and i would've skipped over here in two minutes. it's been two days y'all, without the tv. it's killing me. last night i felt like a homeless person cause half my stuff was in the old house and half was in the new house and i was like wait which one is my home and normally the answer to that question is simple. wherever the tv is, that's your home right but there was no tv set up in either place and i was sad and confused and i felt all alone in this big bad world. also the internet isn't working yet but i was able to steal the neighbour's internet. don't you love that? ooh ooh guess who i met today? my new neighbours. we were in the garage and this guy walks up and he's all hi i'm r and i'm your new neighbour. he's totally adorable and totally gay. he lives with his "roommate" and his mother. he was all don't worry we're nice people. i also met this other bastige old man neighbour. my car was blocking his garage door but wtf we were unpacking. anyway he claims that he sat in his car honking for ten minutes and no one answered. luckily gay neighbour heard him and came and rang my doorbell which i heard thankfully. he was like okay don't panic but your car is blocking this man's garage and he's threatening to get it towed but ignore him, he's a total jerk. so i run out to move my car and then he starts yelling. so yeah at least now i know which neighbours to talk to. i was thinking of going to go visit the nice neighbours with some cookies in the hopes that they would invite me to watch tv with them. i figured i would complain about how i had missed my directv guys and how i was so miserable. anyway since i have the internet now and i can watch netflix i think i'll manage. oh and the internet i'm stealing does not belong to the nice neighbours. i know this because the network id that said dan's network [that would be the roommate] was locked. so yeah, this is someone else with no password. idiot.

they named you what??

so it's summer. well it feels like it anyway and so i have planned for myself a fun road trip. i happen to have the wondrous task of moving a bright shiny red car [soon to be my bright shiny red car] all the way from la to houston. what is that like 5 days? i haven't bothered to check yet but i'm thinking instead that i will drive it in the direction of colorado and visit some friends. by visit i mean live with them until they decide to kick me out of their house once they realise what a bad influence i am on the baby and the dog, both of which are lovely by the way when they're not drooling on me. just because you're cute doesn't make it okay for you to drool on people, unless you're romany malco. then you get to do whatever you want.

anyway you know how people are always bitching about the price of gas? i'm usually like shut the fuck up because i mean it's cheaper than coffee. that stuff is killing my finances. but like now this whole gas price thing is going to affect me tremendously as i begin to partake in this journey across this ginormous land. a journey which i hope will help me discover myself cause yeah that ain't happened yet. oh also in case you're wondering what happened with r. nothing happened. he hasn't mentioned the text at all. not once. so i'm assuming he's not into it and we're going to leave it at that. except he's still doing the whole messing with my stationary thing followed by stupid grinning. like wtf am i supposed to get from that? do i still think he's hot? hell yeah!

in silly news RBR - my good friend and one time hospital stretcher thief introduced to me the official ipl team page, a page that has since brought us much joy. look, some of the players happen to have some funny names, that's all. also we're both like 12 years old and we'll giggle at anything.

for example:

Wilkin Mota is on the same team as Ramesh Powar. interesting...

there exists a player by the name of M.S.Ghoni. apparently it stands for Manpreet Singh Ghoni and last time we checked he is not in fact related to M.S.Dhoni.

also there's one fool named Napoleon Einstein. seriously.

then my favourite twosome Shadab Jakati and Yo Mahesh. i predict the following incident taking place sometime soon on a cricket field near you.

"YO mahesh!"
"shaddup dude!"
bitch slap. booo hooooo.

also there's Loots Bosman and Luke Ronchi and Pinal Shah. *giggle giggle*

also Sumit Khatri and Taruwar Kohli's names are strategically placed right next to each other. no comprende? okay katri means knife and koli means chicken. did i mention the team is sponsored by kfc?

and then by far my most favourite name - Ajinkya Rahane. this is seriously some dude's real name? it's as if his parents were given random scrabble letters and this is the best they could come up with. ajinkya it seems!

okay happy weekend!! and watch baby momma. you all love tina fey and amy poehler no? plus romany malco's in it. he doesn't get to make out with anyone but at least he's there with his adorable puppy dog eyes.

awwww i kinda miss you CU!!

i wonder if this little gathering had anything to do with the wildfire in boulder last evening. hmmmm.....

do not send me save the dolphin forwards. ambani is not going to do shit if i sign a damn petition. plus that's hayden panettiere's job.

so i'm officially all weeded out. june 16th is when the fourth season of weeds comes out. i don't know how i'm going to survive till then. i just might have to watch all three seasons again. or just season 3 episode 12. mm mm mmm!

other things i watched today - smart people. not a very smart movie. if anything it was dreadfully boring. that juno girl didn't have enough funny things to say. also sarah jessica parker is officially a hag. you know who else is a hag? helen hunt. there's this new movie she's doing with matthew broderick who by the way is most definitely gay. how does sarah jessica parker not know her husband is gay? she of all people should know. anyway in the movie helen hunt's neck looks 90 years old and she's playing a 39 year old trying to have a baby. Also when you're almost forty why try to force nature? why not just adopt a good looking child? of course you'd need to test it first. make sure it isn't stupid. alright alright all you part time blogger - full time mommy readers [my favourite blogger demographic by the way, not really] can stop hating me. i'm only joking. sort of.

in other exciting news i had my first bucket of dibs today. i was amazed at how long it stayed solid. i kept waiting for it to melt. how do they do that?? wait. i don't actually want a scientific explanation so all you geeks can zip it. i just find it fascinating, the technology of our times! poppable ice cream balls! ooh also apparently they have a mint flavour. is it any good? is it solid mint outside and vanilla inside?

p.s. in tragic news i just discovered there is no more wine in the house.

p.p.s. i will henceforth be sharing with you random things i heard on weeds just as and when i remember them. for now i will leave you with 'snow nigger'. i know it's terribly offensive and i'm sure it existed way before the show but it makes me giggle okay?

p.p.p.s. there is absolutely no truth to this. clearly baby v and puppy m have been snorting coke again. shame on you two. bacchon ke baarein mein socho.

happy weekend. muah.

what the fuck was i thinking? [play song on the right for special effects]

i did something really brave yesterday. i asked a boy out. and he said yes. it wasn't as filmy as i had imagined it would be [there's only that much drama that can take place over text message] but not to worry i will work on that during the actual date, which will happen as soon as i ask him out again because technically i only asked him if it would be appropriate to ask him out. i didn't actually ask him out. anyway right after he was done with all the awwwing i made him promise not to tell anyone at work and in exchange for some cookies he has agreed to keep his mouth shut.

i will keep you guys updated. i get that this is very inspirational to a lot of folks. if i can do it hey there's hope for everyone. now i have to go find something to wear. ta.

getting to know the boy

i got ten minutes of alone time with r today because for the better part of the lunch hour eric sat around us chewing his apple and making fox news jokes. idiot. when he finally left the room r turned to me and asked what i was eating.

upma.

who?

it's like grits.

oh yeah?

but with vegetables and spices. what are you eating?

leftover rice and vegetables. i leaned over to take a look. it looked terrible.

do you cook?

sort of. i mean i manage. i usually just make whatever i'm cooking really spicy. that way it's edible.

aah.

does your mum cook for you a lot?

when i go over to her place i usually take lots of empty containers.

aah.

hey, i wanted to tell you about this local cricket league i found out about. this one guy i know plays for them.

really?

yeah. i had no idea they had those here.

well there are lots of south asian people who live here so..

true. they sure love their cricket. in jamaica too it's hard not to get into cricket.

mm hmm. did you play?

yeah but one time i got hit by a ball...

oh oh!

those things are hard.

hell yeah!

plus i liked soccer and track better. i did play some street cricket as a kid. we had this carpenter guy who would give us pieces of wood. i mean you had to work on it a bit but when you got it nice and smooth it was a bat.

nice! my cousins had a proper cricket bat. we all took turns batting. no one ever wanted to bowl. we didn't even own a proper cricket ball. tennis ball, plastic, anything would do.

yeah. we played with the tennis ball a lot too. if we ever did get ourselves a proper red cricket ball it was usually pink and bent out of shape by the time it got to us.

hee hee.

good times. he had this wistful look on his face. wistful/dreamy. i took the opportunity to study his features. i decided he needed a shave.

so, how old were you when you left jamaica?

i was nineteen when we immigrated but man those were some incredible years. i wouldn't change that for the world.

sigh. we're liking this boy more and more. at one point i almost reached out to pet him. don't ask. he looked pettable. anyway i didn't. here's what i did do. this incredibly hot boy showed up later in a bright green shirt and a ridiculous afro. the weird part was he looked kinda desi. the affro threw me off. anyway i saw r talking to him so of course i called his extension to find out how he knew him and he's like why do you ask and without thinking twice i say well duh he was so cute. he laughed. i'm not sure why i did that. he was incredibly cute though. plus i am easily distracted. anyway i realise i need to keep my eyes on the prize and so i have decided to make a list of things i like about r. so far i have this -

is hot.

dresses well.

smells good.

clean hands.

voted for obama.

can be bribed anytime with cookies. they have to be macadamia nut.

has played cricket.

has the most adorable laugh.

has big puppy dog eyes.

likes his food spicy.

that accent.


things we're not so thrilled about -

talks to his mom way too much.

has this annoying cell phone headset he walks around with. in his defense i haven't seen it in a while. let's hope he got rid of it.

existence of offspring.

possible temper issues. one time he got really mad when someone got his lunch order wrong. either he was really hungry that day or the boy has anger management issues and i don't need that.

p.s. you know i've realised if there's one thing i'm really good it's making myself fall for someone. like i'll usually take my time but once i've decided i'm going to fall for them i get around to doing just that. i wont actually do anything about it but hey at least i won't have boredom issues. at least not until i'm bored with the idea of being in love with them. yeah i'm really ready for the tv shows to be back.

p.p.s. so who watches weeds? i just got into it and i need to discuss the fabulosity of this show. email me.

what a life

On 4/5/08, Karan **r**i <karan**r**i@gmail.com> wrote:>

so i'm driving to pondy for some hopefully awesome breakfast tomorrow. Taking the beach route via kerala. Fully excited. Should be back for monday dinner.

lunch time romance. the delusional kind.

you're sitting less than a foot away. we're breathing the same air. and im okay with that. see right there it's obvious i like you more than the average human.

you eat your lunch silently. you're being careful not to make too much noise. it's okay you know if you want to chew loud. you can turn the tv on too. i know you like some background noise. ooh is it because it drowns out the chewing?

who just texted you? why aren't you replying? is it your baby momma? what happened there? i mean its not really any of my business but you know, im curious. also what did you mean when you said i don't smile at you? sure i do. im just not at my confident best when im around someone im crushing on. i get awkward. maybe you think im just incredibly arrogant. or mysterious. or both. what do you think? who be texting you again fool? chomp chomp. okay its unnatural to eat that quietly. now im worried. i'll never be comfortable eating around you. that one time at the mexican restaurant was different though. cause there were like forty people there. we talked cricket remember? always a good topic. you were going to make me taste your mother's supposedly mouth shattering dish. id like that. your mum sounds cute. when she calls. with that accent. "will you ask him to call his mother back please?" okay aunty, i want to say. what else am i going to call her? mrs. b is too formal. you can call my mother aunty. im never you introducing to her though. she crazy. you can meet my brother. he'll leave you alone. ooh now you're texting back. fine. i'll go upstairs. my biryani is cold.

the woman who birthed gaysin and the annoyance she causes every weekend.

these are just some of the things she has said to us this weekend. currently we're looking at at least another five and a half hours of annoying aunty time.

seeing me up before noon on a sunday: "oho! how come you're awake so early today?"

um so as to ensure i don't miss something brilliant you might happen to say?

tugging at my hair: "your hair used to be sooooooo nice when you were small. so long and straight and shiny." now what the hell kind of response goes with that statement? considering also that the woman doing the commentary has sported a bandli cut for some two of the last three decades.

pointing at my brother: "your pants are too long. you shouldn't wear so long. you will trip and fall." now you and i and by now i'm sure even the neighbours know that the chances of brother falling flat on his face have less to do with the length of his pants and more to do with his part time love affair with narcotics. but annoying aunty from hell doesn't know that. and for good reason.

you must also know that she has had this terrible cough that has lasted forever. it's very terminally ill ninety year old patient. the coughing doesn't stop her continuous banter. she will talk through the worst cough and you can hear the phlegm in her mouth. as we speak she is describing the thickness of said phlegm.

"how come you'll didn't buy mangoes? we bought from the indian store last week. so nice it was. i always eat the seed and give gaysin the cheeks." nobody responded to that statement. i pretended to be fascinated with my cuticles and brother with his foil experiment.

referring to brother's red bull contest entry - "see i personally feel like there needs to be more red bull design on the truck. also you should add off license plate." now clearly brother has read the contest rules. also he's the one making the damn truck.

looking in my direction again: "so is your room still clean?" please to note she spontaneously cleaned it for me one weekend and now i can't find my w-2 form to file my taxes.

referring to my cousin's little kid: "so fat he is no? you saw the new photo she sent of him on the beach. my god. so fat!"

earlier today she was heard dissing oreo cookies. "i don't know why everyone here loves these oreo cookies so much. i don't see what is so great about them."

to anyone who will listen: "where you bought your kurta/boat/monkey?" you name it, she'll ask how much you paid for it. and tell you that it looks like it was made it india.

today she so graciously brought us a bag of squishy brownies. my theory is that she either dropped it on the floor and swept it back up or she left in on the couch and gaysin accidentally sat on it. "i brought it for you'll because if i take it home gaysin will eat it and he's getting too fat."

umm thanks? now go the eff away!


p.s. i don't even want to begin describing the sucking noises she makes after each meal. just know that it goes on for at least a half hour and is usually done in everyone's presence. while everyone else is trying to watch some tv annoying aunty from hell likes to vacuum her teeth. now what was that senator clinton saying about not being able to choose your own relatives? she's totally right that one. and before you ask of course i'm still an obama girl.

dude penguins are fat

so the fool was on vacation all of this week. he finally showed up to work wednesday afternoon but wednesday evening i found out i didn't get the transfer. they brought up some lame six month rule and i was pissed. i still am. but more importantly this now means i no longer have a specific deadline in which to complete the very challenging task i had set out to do. which also means now when i see him i'm just like meh.

he is being all gentlemanly though, rushing to open the door when i walk in balancing two cups of coffee which to be fair almost everyone always does, when i give them the eye. yes i'm terrifying to work with when i haven't had my coffee.

i do get all giggly when they play 'shorty i could take you there' on the radio because r still has a slight jamaican accent. I KNOW!!

"We can go to the tropics

Sip pina coladas

Shorty I could take you there"

mmm hmm mm hmm sure you could...

"Or we can go to the slums

Where killas get hung"

OR we could just skip that part and go watch ze creekeet on ze beech no?

i don't think i'm doing the right accent.

you guys continue to pray for a miracle. i'm even wearing lancome miracle, you know for special effects. alright back to work.

happy easter and help me get laid

that wasn't meant to be a pun on easter eggs. we don't do puns and we most definitely don't say 'no pun intended' after clearly using one and hoping everyone gets how smart and witty we are. people are so lame!! real post continues below:

we were invited to gaysin's house for easter lunch today. the food itself was decent even though gaysin hadn't cooked. he did set the table beautifully though. other notable things he did - hire a jesus movie and purchase a 5 layer mother-load chocolate cake. yes, apparently such a thing exists. we came pretty close to actually watching the jesus movie. if i hadn't pointed to the other dvd on the table just in time and said "wait, is that the new anne hathaway movie you have there? omg mummy really wanted to watch it. didn't you mummy?" we would so have been watching jesus and his entourage. the anne hathaway movie turned out to be boring as hell. jane austin's story supposedly. mother argued it was jane eyre's story while aunty claimed it was jane bronte's story. now you and i know no such person exists. aunty on the other hand isn't as brilliant and so the two argued until about fifteen minutes into the movie when someone referred to the protagonist as ms. austen thereby bringing some much needed silence to the room. aunty however continued to maintain a rather confused look on her face until gaysin figured out what it was and turned on the subtitles after which everyone breathed a sigh of relief. ooh ooh i have to say here that gaysin received a very suspicious phone call during lunch from a kevin person. his voice got all high and i got all curious. by the way i haven't yet directly asked brother about my gaysin theory. he will occasionally look up from one of his paintings to declare that the person on tv sounds exactly like gaysin and the person on tv is invariably a gay guy.

remember how i told you about brother's random drug confession to me the other day? well now he keeps asking if employers here require drug testing. that and he's been talking a lot of crazy lately. like the other day in the middle of conan he pulled out his guitar and started singing stupidly and then paused to demonstrate the lowest sound the guitar could make and how it was related to om and how that explained how the universe worked or something. i don't know if i should be more worried for his health or more saddened because it has taken him less than two months to cultivate such friendships in the neighbourhood while his sister who has been here much longer barely recognizes the neighbours. except the ones with the annoying kids who think we all live in sound proof apartments. anyway i tuned out halfway through his very strange conversation. that's the one cool thing about brother. you don't have to actually be listening for him to keep talking. he wont try to quiz you in the middle unlike mother who will, every couple of minutes.

for those of you who have been concerned for a while now about your favourite blogger's health and have recommended that she get laid, i will say this - i am trying. remember r? he would be, to refresh your memory the only hot boy at the office, the same one i was unsure whether it would be appropriate to have a crush on. now ONLY six months later, just when i might be transferring to a different location, i have decided that he is in fact totally crushable material and it would in fact be perfectly acceptable for us to *gasp* make out. so yeah to quote a famous dp contributor - i will be looking into the matter. [certain jokes you will only get if you are fortunate enough to have permission to the sicrit blog] anyway bm has very kindly offered me some advice on office flirting. i will be attempting to try some of it in the coming week. for your part you can pray to whatever god or restricted substance you pray to for some type of miracle. i wouldn't try jesus. for fairly obvious reasons he isn't talking to me. and for the record i was totally planning on going to church today but stuff came up.

public service announcement

um ft collins person, are you gonna say hi? you're freaking me out a little. i figured it was only right to freak you out too. what else is up on this lovely easter evening?

while we're at it frederick maryland person, i will have you know you are freaking out a LOT of bloggers. also bookmark more fool. google less.

Obama Speech: 'A More Perfect Union'

they're not showing the whole speech on cnn. you need to hear the whole speech.

in which mother loses her memory and brother acts like a homeless person

sorry we've been so lazy. nothing remotely exciting has happened in weeks. not even on tv. it's very sad. ooh the one thing that is happening is india fashion week. do check out highheelconfidential for fabulous coverage. the one complaint i have about them though is they're not mean enough. there's so much to be ridiculed, especially the male models. look out for the salman khan clone. surma, blush, pout. he made my day that one.

in other news brother and me are bonding which is weird. i dont do bonding very often, especially not with family members. anyway brother has decided we're old enough to talk about everything so he's been bombarding me with scandalous information especially about his time in africa and his full time hobby - marijuana. i'm not quite sure what to do with this information. i cant possibly pass it on to mother. she will freak the hell out. she is now into repeating instructions every five minutes and not because she wants to be annoying. it's because she forgets she's already talked to me about it. it's confusing. and hilarious. i find it's most fun for me when she's focused on brother. brother happens to be an artist. an out of work artist. an out of work artist who cannot sit in once place for more than five minutes. even if that place is in front of the tv. i dont get such people. he's been making random pieces of art work much to my fascination and mother's horror. the raw material he uses to come up with these pieces is what mostly causes the horror. the thing is the boy has the heart of a homeless person. he's totally okay with wandering the streets and picking up random little toy cars and such which he will then use along with soda cans and paint and other artisty crap to make stuff. mother has been trying to give him things to do, like making easter bunny cards for each of her kids at school. the last two days he's been doing these intricate pop up bunnies with pictures of the kids. turns out mother is a very demanding client. also very particular. when brother asked if he could write hoppy easter on the card she didnt think it was very funny.

i have to admit though we did have a wonderful sibling bonding moment during the whole card making process. it was when we were making fun of the little school children. like the little albino kid and the one with the scary face and the one who looks like an angry 80 year old man.

also i have got brother hooked on the daily show and the late late show with craig fergusson so that's two things we can watch together. 'what not to wear' and presidential politics he's not really into. animal mating and cops chasing stupid people im not really into. but we manage. alright i gotto go eat lunch. tata.

it's called blog abuse.

intoxicated. toxic. xic. ed. into. xcited. oxi. cat. cate. din. i. not. ton. can. dan. tan. ate. date.

gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

creepy old man in hat: green is a good colour on you.

thank you.

oooh!! what kind of perfume do you have on?

it's some type of lotion i think.

really? it's so enticing.

um okay.

[sniffing] it's magical you know?

right.

it's overcoming.

umm

it's a magic in itself.

trying not to barf: OKAY!!

THIS at a time in the day when i am drinking office coffee. lukewarm office coffee.

i want to kill old men everywhere!!

because i'm bored and pictures of celebrities have been known to increase stats

LOVE

christian siriano - he just won project runway and he's only 21! we're hardly surprised. also to get that kind of reaction from posh, you know he has to be good. did you see her swoon during the finale? other reasons we can't help but love him - he says fierce and bitches every 2 seconds. and have you seen him skip?

HATE

hillary clinton

this one has the scary eyes. also i think her suit, necklace and lipstick [always bright red or burnt orange] combos might be turning me colour blind. disco was sobbing all of yesterday when he realised she's never going away.

HATE

nancy grace

gaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh this one gives me nightmares. her favourite topic in the entire world is natalie holloway. she'll find a way to mention her name every 7 minutes.

LOVE

jon stewart*

not all men are adorable when they giggle. this one is. did anyone watch him on larry king a couple of weeks ago? genius.


LOVE


conan o'brien - funniest red haired giant ever! and even though it was probably one of his writers who came up with it 'bunjee jumping baby jesus' is by far the funniest character i have ever seen on national tv and he deserves credit for letting them air it. did anyone see the take over ceremony where raul castro rabbit dj took over from fidel castro rabbit dj as official rabbit dj on the show?

LOVE

lewis black [he's getting his own show on comedy central soon wooo hooo!!!] funniest when he is truly mad. best known for his bursts of anger, finger pointing and starbucks jokes. favourite topic - dick cheney's hobbies.

LOVE

craig ferguson does a mean prince charles impression. one of his many talents. former drunk. switches between being gay and straight during his monologues.

the end.

well apparently i only like men who can make me laugh and extremely talented gay guys. what's new?

p.s. anyone know when all the shows will be back on? it's been two weeks since the writers have been back no?

* made it to my do list [see side bar]

they're all done? no way!!

india has just won the second odi and the tri series thereby cutting short an away series some* would call too short.

*some = no one i know

when they started this tour it was late fall. it is now spring. that's three seasons out of a total of four. the fact that it remained summer in australia the whole time doesn't count. we have changed calender years. it is now lent. okay you get my point.

discoveries of the longest tour in the history of mankind - this thing that kinda grows on you and that rohit sharma. damn that boy is ugly and gives terrible interviews. but what a stunning batsman. you go kiddo!! and big hug to sachin. it took you 40 years but you finally showed us you could make a match winning hundred in the second innings of a big final. the other ninety was a cool bonus too. don't take me seriously. i love you. not as much as dada though and im still pissed they sent him home. i still maintain the bcci made a huge mistake sending vvs and dada home. they were just lucky this series was long enough for our baby team to hit puberty and thereby pull off a win.

i feel old.

did i mention i'm sick? i have a big cold. but here i am, at work, sulking.

p.s. congratulations to our under 19 team as well. they won the world cup!! i tell you one day we will actually win the world cup we want.

today

today, being a saturday, was a short day. dayum watch me punctuate! i awoke around oh 4 ish. yes that would qualify as evening.

today, the first of the month meant i got to throw out my contact lenses and put new ones in. i rip my contact lenses up at the end of every month and put them in the trash. i am very satisfied after this ceremony. yes i might need to see someone about that.

today chamki emailed me this lovely picture of mrs. keller. i am most excited that parts of my post made it to her page. aah the internet. one day i see a crazy lady and i write about her while im on my lunch break and two days later someone has drawn her, hideous hair and all. im an inspiration to artists everywhere.



today mother brought me back a present from her trip to the supermarket. a newspaper with obama's face on the front page. the title of the article read obama and me.

i read the article, scanned through the rest of the paper, was easily scandalised by all the hooker ads and then proceeded to rest my ass on the couch for the rest of the evening, only getting up to do laundry and get more refrigerated kit kat, the best kind. while i watched cnn, snl, jimmy kimmel's tribute to jimmy kimmel and part of the soup my brother started and finished an obama sketch for me copying the picture from the newspaper. he claims it isn't done yet. it looks close enough to me but since he still insists on working on it i told him he might want to widen the smile a little more. that's me, such an inspiration to artists everywhere.

today my dad called at the fall of the third australian wicket to check if i was watching. we then discussed all the different types of cameras he would be taking on his trip to the holy land. i asked what he'd bring me. he said um a cross? a rosary? i tried not to laugh too loud. you want to be careful about these things. i remember one time brown jacket uncle gave me this religious book. it was before i left for the states. he came over to my house and lectured me about america. said i needed to be careful about getting influenced by its evil culture. i remember thinking too late old man, nodding and taking the book from him. the book i left behind in my room of course. the book my dad later discovered i hadn't taken with me. he was pissed. oh well.

today i cleaned out my car. oh did you know i now cant open my door anymore? at least not from the outside. i have to either leave the window open so i can reach in and use the handle from the inside or i have to crawl in from the other side through the door that does open. this doesn't help in the mornings when im always late and trying to decide between a trip to starbucks and drying my hair.

i guess today wasn't as uneventful as i originally thought. i have clean underwear now so im good at least for a couple of weeks. plus my car doesn't look like a garbage truck anymore. in fact it looks like a normal car. until you try to open it.

p.s. as much as i love obama i cant get myself to finish his book in one stretch. not with 'me talk pretty one day' sitting right next to it, all blue green and inviting. the only reason i bought this book by the way - the cover. so far i have decided that i can in fact judge a book by its cover.

p.p.s. don't hate me but im having second thoughts about doing the tag[s].

so, what did you do today?

tgfi: today's title okay with you?

for anyone who has problems with my punctuation let me just say this. at least you don't have to receive emails from me from my phone. i have yet to discover where the full stop button it and all my emails end up being one big sentence. ask karen.

beta swaeter pehno

some lady at work gave me two tickets to the houston ballet. i took it because it was free and you dont not take free stuff. i wasn't seriously planning on going but then she came back to double check if i was and i was like well ill have to ask mother if she's interested. that seemed to really delight her. now i realise if i do go i might have to sit next to her during the entire show which would mean

1. i would need to converse with her

and

2. that would automatically make us friends. after all we'd have been to the ballet together. i don't think i like her enough for that. or at all.

anyway i made the mistake of showing the tickets to mother and of course she's dying to go. now brother and me have a big decision to make. neither of us wants to go see a fucking ballet but we don't know how to suggest she take gaysin.

gaysin was here earlier today along with his mommy dearest. he asked if we wanted to go watch a movie. brother was like yeah we were planning to go watch and before he could say 'vantage point' gaysin was like "the other boleyn girl???". of course he'd pick that to go see. in case you haven't heard of it, it stars that hot bana boy and natalie portman and scarlet johanson's boobs, not that the boobs would be important criteria in gaysin's choice of movie. eventually we ended up scrapping the idea because mother decided it was late and getting dark. it was 6:30! then mother also decided this was a good time to pull out her collection of letters to her sister. ones she wrote between the years of 1972 and 1980 bc or something. she recently unearthed these letters and she's been reading them non stop ever since. the pages are all yellow and they make that weird noise thin typewrite paper from the seventies make. she recited random paragraphs from the letters for us stopping every now and then to give us background story. something about brother using his pocket money to buy gaysin sweets and bonda at school and one about gaysin dressing up as little bo peep for some type of competition. at this same event brother apparently wore banana leaves and went as adam from adam and eve. gaysin got all giggly remembering the good old days. he sighed and threw his hands up in the air every time mother read something he remembered. very entertaining evening was had.

p.s. brother has been here a month now. he insists american water has too much chlorine and now only drinks bottled water. thank you bwssb.