How NOT to spend the Holiday Weekend

Sunday morning was spent in Church [being that it was Easter and all]. Within the first half hour I was contemplating converting to Scientology. High pitched singing for 30 minutes straight with the intoxicating smell of Elizabeth Taylor White Diamonds [courtesy aunty dearest] in the air just isn’t how I envision spending my Sunday mornings. After that we went to lunch at this sad excuse for a Chinese restaurant. Look I took a picture of the ceiling for you. I felt like I was on the sets of the Rajkumar video “If you come today…….its too yerrrrlleeee…..”


The afternoon was spent napping [don’t you just love Sunday afternoon naps?] while gay cousin who doesn’t know he’s gay yet watched ‘Take the lead’ on random channel. I wondered if I should inform him that we did have LOGO but I didn’t want to insult his um masculinity. In the evening mother made us watch a Jesus video with Bharatanatyam dancers in it. [Don’t ask where she found it] The narrator in this um interesting video had a slightly orgasmic voice. I rolled my eyes at the preachy parts and snickered at inappropriate moments.

Monday was the day I was dreading. The original plan was to drive downtown to the science museum [to look at old stuff and watch an IMAX movie] and then to the city’s famous aquarium. Don’t laugh. There isn’t much else to do where I live. This idea was quickly dismissed by gay cousin who doesn’t know he’s gay yet: “We have the biggest aquarium and the biggest IMAX theatre in my city.” This made me very happy because honestly one more trip to that museum and I would’ve shot myself. We decided to drive to Estes Park instead which is this little town with lots of pretty views and overpriced gift shops and the one famous hotel where ‘The Shining’ was shot. I took a picture of this car. I still haven’t figured out what all the fuss is but everyone around was taking pictures and I wanted to seem interested.

Mother insisted I pose for pictures with the visitors near the fountain and near the tree and near the car and near the mountains. I looked around for a sign from God, just something to show me that he didn’t completely hate me. [Hey I did go to Easter service and all] and then I saw this.

Everything seemed to be going great for a while. I sipped on my coffee and helped mum help aunty do some touristy shopping when gay cousin who doesn’t know he’s gay yet decided to announce really loud to everyone that he was on the lookout for a teddy bear with Estes Park or Rocky Mountain National Park written on it. “For my collection” he said. I kid you not! This of course made me burn my tongue and I tried to look away casually while trying to stifle my laughter and tears while my mother nudged me [very obviously] and whispered [very loudly] to behave decently around the guests. I then proceeded to assure gay cousin who doesn’t know he’s gay yet [with the best acting performance I had put on all weekend] that I would keep my eyes open for the requested stuffed animal.

Mother then suggested we go to one of the shops where we could dress up in ancient costumes and take funny pictures. Gay cousin who doesn’t know he’s gay yet was very excited by this proposition and decided he wanted to dress up as a cowboy and as a native Indian. He was very convincing as the latter. Mother, aunty and random lady who decided to tag along for weekend trip each chose their outfits and tried over and over again to persuade me into being a good sport. I refused politely each time and sat down comfortably to watch the show [and make sarcastic comments …. all in my head of course.] Store lady [who deserves an entire blog post of her own] played director. She spoke very slowly and very softly. She informed everyone that she had been doing this for 12 years. She wanted us to decide [from the display on the wall] what type of pictures we all wanted and then inform her ONLY when EVERYONE was ready. Gay cousin who doesn’t know he’s gay yet in his eagerness to dress up forgot about this highly critical instruction and explained to her in great detail ‘the look’ he was wanting [a little before everyone else was ready.] Store lady after making a mental note of his look now assumed everyone else was ready. She then tapped her pen on the table impatiently taking deep breaths. Her “Has everyone decided yet?” was acknowledged by hmms and haaans making store lady more and more agitated. Random lady who decided to tag along for weekend trip sang “Where’s the potty tonight?” while she tried on various dresses and hats. The song has been stuck in her head since watching KANK a couple of days ago [requested at the Indian store by gay cousin who doesn’t know he’s gay yet.] She has been informed that it is PARTY and not POTTY and to her credit she has tried to sing it both ways but it sounds exactly the same. I was of course greatly amused by all this and wished one of my friends were around to watch the afternoon’s entertainment live with me while also helping me scrutinize the slutty costumes.

On the drive back home random lady who decided to tag along for weekend trip sang her new favourite song over and over again until finally I decided it would be best if I just put in the cd. I hoped this way at least her annoying voice would blend in with the singer’s voice. Unfortunately she now sang even louder and danced a little too and gay cousin who doesn’t know he’s gay yet snapped his fingers to the music and made strange neck movements [me thinks inspired by the Jesus video with Bharatanatyam dancing in it.] Random lady who decided to tag along for weekend trip pointed at random objects on the way and asked “What that be over Dey?” to which I answered “um pipe, pumpkin patch and mountain biker.” We stopped to take pictures of pretty lake. Nice?


And then we went home and ate lots of food. [Random lady who decided to tag along for weekend trip happens to cooks very well.] Then some friends came over [S claimed that she saw gay cousin who doesn’t know he’s gay yet checking out her husband] and we drank some wine and life was good again.

OVER