Tuesday, July 31, 2007

We won!!!

It was really nice to see the way Dada and Jammy walked off the field today; Dada making sure the captain led the way to the dressing room by walking a little behind him. Jammy for his part turned around and made sure they walked off the field together. I thought it was sweet.

Zak won man of the match which made my staying awake at this unearthly hour even more paisa vasool. He said 'definitely' about 20 times during his 2 minutes at the presentation ceremony but he said it looking very hot.

To the Board of Control for Cricket in India,

Its obvious you need a public speaking coach for the team.
I would like to offer my services, free of charge of course.

The end.

Yay we won!

Monday, July 30, 2007

I learn new words. I also discover i might be colour blind. Oh and also im irreplaceable ... either that or im worthless.

I occasionally get taught unique American words by my wonderful coworkers and i in turn teach these fascinating words to you my fascinating [but very silent*] blog readers.

Ladies and Gentleman i present to you today's word - 'Hootenanny'! Apparently it means a fun party.

Earlier today I had asked the boss if i would have to do an exit interview when i leave and if it would be fun. I was told after a couple of moments of silence followed by a smirk that it would be a hootenanny.

I also found out that they're not hiring anyone to replace me at work. This can only mean two things. One that I'm irreplaceable or two that my contribution to the company is so insignificant that it doesn't really matter if I'm gone.

In other news I met the most squeaky kid in the history of squeaky kids today. I wanted to bitch slap it but didn't because that would mean having to walk 10 feet towards the brat.

I also went pastel polish shopping today since its summer and all my magazines tell me that dark colours are out and i happen to own a bunch of these.

So this is what i ending up buying and now I'm told they look exactly the same.

Then i discovered i also own two more that look kinda the same.

What makes me feel better is the fact that it is now impossible to get the older ones to open. Also new nail polish is way funner than old nail polish.

Since we're taking pictures i have to show you these two that i bought a couple of weeks ago.

I just realised they're also pretty much the exact same colour. In fact two shades of the lighter one look like one shade of the darker one.

I tell you these O.P.I people and their cutesy names. Try walking away from 'Me so happy with this colour' or 'Mini how high' or 'Dulce de lichee'.

* Take a hint. Say something.

Sunday, July 29, 2007

Just some thoughts on Day 3

I thought the batting today was alright. One always felt comfortable because of the healthy lead we had but it was really nothing spectacular to watch. Dada and Tendulkar looked solid until a bored Umpire Taufel decided he wanted to see new faces on the pitch. VVS was terribly boring. He hit a couple of okay shots but the rest of the innings was just so blah, especially for a VVS innings. At one point Kumble looked the more elegant of the two batsmen. He scored a quick 30 and was off before Zaheer came in and decided to charge towards the fielders with his bat raised in the air. I'm not sure what that was about but it was fun to watch.

Sreesanth looked very disturbed today. He must have set some sort of record during the last over. It took him forever to finish it. First he broke his run up [and not for the first time today] then he decided to come over the wicket to bowl the last ball [he had done the same for the first ball] which turned out to be a wide. Then he tried to run out the batsman at the non striker's end [the guy didn't even notice this because he was facing the wrong way but was also well inside his crease] and all of this in the span of one over!

Plus between deliveries he would scratch his ear and adjust his hand ornaments which included multicoloured threads, rubber bands and some sort of blue feather type thing. Then he would tie his shoelaces only to retie them again before the next ball followed by stretching of random body parts. Basically he came off completely demented. Why our wonderful captain [who by the way i didn't see all day] decided to give him that last over was beyond me.

And this is what annoys me immensely about Dravid. You hardly see him on the field. At least Dada would come up and talk to his bowlers and fielders and generally make his presence felt. With Dravid you forget he's even there.

The rest of the bowling looked ordinary. Zak bowled a few decent deliveries but nothing fascinating. Kumble tried really hard but you cant force a wicket in that little span of time. I do like it when they attack the batsman with fielders all around when Kumble is bowling. They need to do more of that tomorrow and for once [since we have some sort of a lead] we can afford to do it.

As for the English team this was actually the first time i got to watch Panesar and i really liked what i saw. Turns out Sidebottom is kinda cool too. James Anderson provided the eye candy as usual. Thank You Jimmy. I did miss Flintoff though, but he's probably in the middle of some lake drinking on a boat.

The pitch looked kinda dull today but we'll probably see some due tomorrow morning and hopefully our friend Sreesanth will have sorted himself out. We really need to win this thing and its all set up so beautifully. I just wish we had a more innovative guy leading the team.

edited at 1:13pm:
62 runs to win y’all!

Of course all the action happened in the last session of play most of which I missed because I was on my way to work! What's amazing though is how well my ear is trained. In spite of the booming noise that was my hair dryer I thought I heard the stumps breaking. I stopped the dryer immediately and heard the crowd cheer. It was Vaughn. Finally! He did play a beautiful innings but it went on way too long for my liking. Zak bowled amazing little spells throughout the day while Sreesanth tried to intimidate the batsmen with strange faces. He failed but oh well we got all ten in the end and that’s all that counts. Yay!

Here's why i'm obsessed with 30 rock

This is a conversation between doctor and patient while the former conducts a DNA test on the latter.

Patient: Dr.Spaceman, when they check my DNA will they tell me what diseases i might get or help me to remember my ATM pin code?
Doctor: Absolutely! Science is whatever we want it to be. I'll let you know as soon as i have the results.
Patient: I already know the results. The kid is not mine.
Doctor: Boy its crazy to think we used to settle questions of paternity by dunking a woman in water until she admitted she made it all up. Hmm different time the sixties.


Doctor: I have the results of your DNA test. Good news! You are not the father of that child. However, according to my DNA database you are a direct descendant of our third President.
Patient: Jasper Buckleman?
Doctor: No, Thomas Jefferson.
Patient [who happens to be black] : Jefferson? Not possible. That's a white dude.
Random person in the room: Yeah but that guy was into black chicks.
Doctor: These DNA results show that genetically you're mostly white.
Patient: It's ridiculous. I cant be white. My whole persona is based on an in dept analysis of the differences between black and white.


Tracy Jordon talks about the Black Crusaders:

Tracy: The Black Crusaders are a secret group of powerful black Americans. Bill Cosby and Oprah Winfrey are the chief majors. But Jesse Jackson, Colin Powell and Gordon from “Sesame Street,” they’re members too. And they meet four times a year in the skull of the Statue of Liberty. You can read about that on the interweb!

They take action when they think someone is making black people look bad, and are responsible for: tanking 50 Cent’s movie, blowing out Terrell Owens’ ankle and cancelling Eddie Murphy’s Oscar - because he ran out on Scary Spice.


p.s. I have terrible news. I just found out [on episode 18] that they replaced hot desi boy on the show with some other ugly dude. Sob.

edited halfway through episode 19: Hot desi boy is back y'all. Turns out Alec Baldwin has two assistants. Yay!

Saturday, July 28, 2007

Trent Bridge - doable?

Not to jinx it but we look like we're in a decent position to win the second test. I decided to order the match because these free sites never work and i don't have patience to watch buffering at 4 am.

Alright boys DO NOT mess this up. I hope you remember your promise V.V.S, you're next to come in [not that i want to see you first thing in the morning so lets say sometime after we've crossed 400 and preferably at the cost of Tendulkar's wicket. What? You know i'm a Dada supporter all the way!]

Please God, don't make it rain.

little pyramids
in a row, one for each letter
of this magnificent creation by some genius
who decided squares were boring and balls were too
lets make em triangular he must have said only to be scoffed at
eventually someone important agreed to sponsor the experiment
and i imagine that's how T O B L E R O N E was created

um 55 word?

and yes the spacing took longer than the writing
and no im not on crack.

Friday, July 27, 2007

INDIAN IDOL [because there is no show on the planet i am not currently watching.]

You know why Indian Idol is way cooler than American Idol?

Because Indian Idol is American Idol + The Maury Show. Just the other day they interrupted a live performance to have an emotional confession from contestant Abhishek who wanted to tell the world he was adopted. Um okay. We don't care fool.
Then the producers decided this TALENT SHOW needed more drama so they surprise Abhishek by bringing on stage both sets of his parents. Matashri number 1 arrived on stage with handbag, you know just in case she needed to pull out the adoption certificates.
Like seriously who gives a fuck. Sing and get off the stage damn it.

My most favourite Indian Idol quotes this season:

Anu Malik to what's her face: "Your personality is very depressing."
Anu Malik to what's her face [after makeover]: "Your personality is very impressive" followed by crowd cheering.
Um exactly what part of her personality suddenly shone through after the makeover?

"aapko gaane mein bahut taqlif ho rahi thi, mein aapke liye dua maangunga"
which roughly translates to "you were singing like you were in pain.. i will pray for you"

Udit Narayan to contestants on their good days: "Bahuti zabardast performance thi aapki. aap zaroor top 5 mein aayenge"
Udit Narayan to contestants on their bad days: "Aaj aapki performance khaas nahin thi. LEKIN aap bahut acche singer hain aur mujhe poora vishwaas hain ke aap zaroor top 5 mein aayenge"

"Abhishek aapki aawaz ki besttt qvelity yehi hain ke aap ki aawaz mard jaise awwaz hain" - as opposed to Emon who sings like a helium inflated horse?

Anu Malik: "Chaaru please listen to me honestly"

Javed Akhtar: "jis tarah se gaate hain log parties vagera mein..." contestant's face falls even before the end of this sentence.
This is why i love Javed Akhtar.

What's her face said: "ek ladki kabhi lakda nahin bansakthi" because this one contestant happens to dress like a tomboy and sings with some life in her instead of trying to sound like some virginal heroine.

Other fun observations:

Alisha's necklace

Waat eet ees?

It totally reminds me of my aunt's mutton puffs or 'pups' as they are sometimes referred to by family members.

The contestants seriously need to learn how to make appropriate faces at appropriate times. They look absolutely miserable when someone else is singing well. This is where the American idol contestants are well trained. They pretend to enjoy the other performances and smile and cheer. Learn to bitch when the camera is off. Did they not teach you anything in school?

Another reason to watch this show:

Javed Akhtar's facial expressions

Sometimes he really looks like he's in pain.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Gtalk talk #106324712404

bharath: u read hari puttar?
me: um no
do i look the reading sort?
bharath: yes
me: wat?
no betch
i dont got no time to read
bharath: i can just imagine u with a cuppa tea.. thin watercress sandwiches....... callin yourself tootlepip readin the potter series by the fire
me: most of the books i read are by indian authors [later to be made into motion pictures]
or they're books by ex cricketers [sometimes with pictures]
me: tootlepip?
r u a pothead?
bharath: im not a pothead
i have the online version.
me: of course u do
why did i even ask
bharath: i want to do illegal book spreading.
me: u illegal online book downloading bastard!
bharath: tats offensive.
me: im sorry
me: u illegal online entertainment downloading bastard
bharath: u illegal online music/movie/book downloading bastard. there thats better
me: entertainment covers it all no? by the by where r all the songs i requested months ago?
bharath: not really.
porn is entertainment.
i dont download porn
ill send off from home
me: yes y is it that u havent ventured into the porn business?
bharath: i work based on demand.
me: wat do u mean ull send off from home?
bharath: u demand porn. i get porn.
i have downloaded at home.
me: right
bharath: some problem with my net at home
same rainy season problems
trees fallin.
light poles falling.
all tat.
so net disconnected
me: talking abt porn i was watching this show today where this guy has his porn collection on his bookcase and it lights up occasionally
bharath: LOL
me: the occasion being after a one night stand when the girl doesnt look like shes planning on leaving his apartment
it was hilarious
bharath: irbaz stores his porn in his car dicky
his boot is filled with abt 1000 dvds
me: do u think its sad that most of my sentences start with "i was watching this show today"
bharath: yes it is.
i empathise with your current " I HAVE NO LIFE OTHER THAN TV" situation.
me: its not just current
thats how it has always been
in fact my biggest fear with this whole moving thing is 1) the two day drive where there will be no tv
well except in the hotel room, but hotels dont always have 500 channels
bharath: ur an addict.
plug out ur tv.
me: and 2) once we get there it'll take direct tv some time to set things up
bharath: take a compass.
me: omg and the internet!!
how long do u think that'll take to set up?
bharath: poke it into the socket.
me: omg
bharath: ull be ok
me: i hadnt even thought of that
i will?
ure sure?
bharath: lol
me: wat?
wat compass?
wat socket?
wat r u talking abt?
bharath: nothing,
me: again i ask
u sure ure not a pothaead?
um hello?
thu bevarsi
bharath: no im not.
me: ure not wat? a bevarsi or a pothead?
bharath: im tyouingd thins wikljg m forewewwhjkeasd
i typed tat with my forehead
me: that was lovely
if there was a hooker prize for best forehead writer ud get it
whered u go betch?
bharath: im here only.
me: oh ok
alright i have to go then. i was watching 30 rock when u dinged me
bharath: i think there is some key stuck to my head
me: wat?
wat do u mean?
exactly how large is ure head?
bharath: my f7 key is missing
me: oh i thought u meant like ure carkeys
bharath: no no..... i think its in my head
me: um ok
bharath: shhhhhhhhhhhh
me: why dont u take this time to try and locate these keys
bharath: dont tell anyone
me: right!
bharath: IM SERIOUS
me: do random ppl on my blog count?
cause i think its time for a gtalk talk thing on me blog
its been a while
bharath: despite losing the war, German scientists still remained far ahead of the rest of the world in many fields
me: heeeeee
bharath: yes it is
me: huh?
u crazy bitch go back to sleep

edited 15 minutes later:

me: rbr go see blog
bharath: u just posted our conversation
me: um yes einstein
bharath: did u take my permission
me: i dont need ure permission
bharath: oh then its ok
me: like u took himesh's permission when u sent me the link to aap ha huzoor
bharath: heeeeeeee
i can sing blind man in station song.
me: wat
bharath: ][''\;[';[p';'['
me: its not funny
go away
im watching 30 rock
bharath: i forget to ask u
me: wat?
me: no i will not marry u
bharath: dud u tell mom abt new lapop
bharath: laptop
me: oh that
bharath: err
me: no
bharath: no?
me: she asked me why best buy was sending me bills
and i was like i dont know
they like to hound students
they be crazy
bharath: oho
ur not a student
me: i was last yr
im on a break
a hiatus if u please
bharath: ur a working aunty now
who drinks a latte
me: i do not drink a latte
its a venti 3 pump white mocha no whip
bharath: yeah.. some double whip shit
me: how do u not know this
bharath: yeah...
i keep tabs on ur life
me: well
u should
now go the eff away
im trying to watch some tv
bharath: poof i disappear
me: yay

edited 10 minutes later:

bharath: http://bengloorgirlindenver.blogspot.com/2007/07/himesh-indias-srkjames-bondrajinikanth.html read ths
its hilarious
me: um i know bitch
i wrote it
bharath: wahhhhhhhhhhh
me: seriously
see a docter or something
r u drunk?
tell me
r u drinking on the job again?
bharath: kinda
me: oh god
bharath: i had snake whiskey yesterday
bharath: oh u have to see this.
me: wtf is snake whiskey?
boy do not send me the same link
i will beat u
bharath: i went to this club ok
me: let me guess, u stole their appointment book again to add to ure collection?
bharath: and they had snake whiskey on the menu
i thought some new brand and ordered it.
me: k
bharath: nodidre .. there is a dead snake in the bottle
me: and now u find that u have been sperminated by a snake?
bharath: check ur mail
me: that did not happen to u
u liar

Thats when i checked my email and saw photographic evidence. Then i went to throw up but since i dont throw up like ever that was kinda pointless, so i went back to watching 30 rock.

Sunday, July 22, 2007

I discover certain truths about myself.

So i never used to watch 30 Rock. I guess it must have clashed with something on ABC and I'm an ABC girl y'all. I mean i used to be an NBC girl but then NBC started to suck and ABC got fabulous. So i switched. Jeez i move to a new country and in less than 3 years i have already picked out a favourite television network and then i switch it. I also say y'all, jeez and fabulous a lot. Yep its official. I have no mind of my own. The TV runs my life y'all. I am what you would call a television whore. Also a blog whore. Seriously 4 posts in the same day? I need to get a life. As i was saying I've started to watch 30 Rock online [NBC.com, check it out] and its very very funny. Mostly cause Tina Fey created it. She also stars in it. Very cool show. Especially when its summer and there's nothing to watch on TV except that Pakistani dude on America's got talent, who is beginning to grow on me by the by.

edited 5 minutes later: Did i mention there's a hot Desi boy on the show? He's Alec Baldwin's assistant.

Help! Make it stop!

edited 13 minutes later: Look i even found pictures.
Oh God. Im unhelpable!

Saturday, July 21, 2007

Tarkaari shopping Desi style

I'm having friends from work come over for dinner tomorrow night. Everyone except the boss was invited but there was no question of inviting him especially after the kind of behaviour he displayed this past week.

On Wednesday we got a secret phone call from J saying we were going to be audited. The boss went absolutely crazy when he heard this. He ran around like a crazy person all morning trying to finish stuff he should have finished long ago. But since he spends his afternoons staring at the calender, looking for missing pen caps [i kid you not] and scratching his face he never has time to complete what he started. Fortunately for everyone the surprise audit [which he referred to in an email as a CRISIS WE ARE FACING CURRENTLY] never took place and i lived to report this to you.

Back to my party, mother decided we needed to drive down to the Indian store to buy vegetables. Said vegetables are also available at the local grocery store but no no we must get NICE INDIAN VEGETABLES. That way mother can scrutinise each one and buy exactly how many she needs. "What will i do with a whole bag of potatoes from Safeway?" so she bought only 3 nice Indian potatoes.

Luckily for me I spotted a cute Desi boy [which is a rarity where i live] in the tarkaari section inspecting tomatoes. He was accompanied by an incredibly short woman who may have been his wife or little sister. I'm hoping it was his sister. I'm also hoping she was twelve. Either that or she was a dwarf. No wait a midget. [Remind me to tell you the story about the twin midget parking attendants on MG Road sometime.] So i kept my eye on cute boy the whole time we were there. He purchased GOOD DAY biscuit y'all. Can you believe that? Perfect!

Then mother decided she wanted to embarrass me so while we were paying for all the nice Indian vegetables she suddenly requests the poor guy at the counter to break the coconut for her. Apparently one must always check if that thing that looks like a coconut is actually a coconut. After all it might be a really really big furry onion disguised as a coconut.
"You see last time when i bought from you it was not fresh".
"Yes yes i remember madame. Last time also i had checked it for you no. No problem".
"Yes, but can you please break it only in the middle. Last time you broke it into so many small small pieces. It becomes very hard to scrape you know".
She looks around the store for other Desi auntyjees who might empathize with her. She only finds cute Desi boy who has begun to read the free Indian newspaper they keep at the door which always carries ancient news. The poor man then goes outside the store and proceeds to break the tenga right in front of our car. I quickly pray for a win in the ongoing Test match. Why waste a perfectly good offering no? Mother inspects the inside of the coconut. Her inspecting also includes sniffing. At this point I'm dying so i start carrying the bags out to the car and never look back at cute Desi boy.

I'm embarrassed to admit this but I'm listening to an incredibly cheesy song called 'Happy Diwali' from an even more cheesy movie called 'Home delivery' as i type this. For some reason this song makes me extremely happy. It also for some reason reminds me of the songs from the movie 'Anjali' which i also happen to love muchly. Anyone remember 'Motamaadi motamaadi'?

p.s. Anyone watch Indian Idol? I'm so glad Charu's gone. What was with her retarded reaction anyway? "I cant believe this? Are you joking? Please give me one more chance". Um bitch you cant sing. Go the eff away.

Unwanted commentary as i check out the boys on Cricinfo's gallery.

Dear Vangipurappu Venkata Sai Laxman,

You know you're a beautiful sight. I'm talking about your batting fool. So don't do things like getting out on 15. It saddens me immensely, especially when i have to wait for months together to see you in the middle. Promise me you'll play lots and lots more beautiful strokes [um run scoring ones of course, remember straight to fielder = 0] before you retire or they make you retire. Okay? Okay.


Muahahahahahaha Andrew Symond lookalike's name is Sidebottom. Muahahahahaha.

I have to admit if there's one cricketer who can pull off pink its Murali Kartik but did they have to go this far?

Anyone know when this fool plans to retire? No not you Simon Taufel. You we like. You we like a lot.

Um did Mandira Body set this field?

This reminds me of that one time just before the India Australia match at Chinnaswamy Stadium when we borrowed one kind uncle's binoculars and watched the boys stretching for the next half hour. Bliss!

Soupa this one's just for you. Your Gadduboy looks very amused but hai rabba waat eet ees his hallu? Maybe you should get Dritil the hot dentist to help him out. By the by did i spell Dritil right? Me thinks one would need really strong natural teeth to say Dritil. I can totally see someones dentures falling out as they attempt to say their dentist's name.

Talking about Soupie the poor thing said she has been trying for months to get tickets to the match. Former cricketer B [currently recuperating after surgery] promised he would get her tickets but gave haath. "Eediot fellow" as my dad would've said. And apparently you have to first fill out an application form online in order to buy tickets at Lords. Wtf?

How beautiful is this picture? Yes i know rain interruptions are never good but still its so pretty.

Look who's back y'all with rebonded hair and more crazy dancing!

p.s. I recently watched this movie 'Hatrick' and i have to say i was pleasantly surprised. It was more than decent.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

And the award goes to [2]

Alright i realise it has only been some 15 minutes since my last post but this is quite necessary as you will see.

The award for the saddest blogger in the whole world goes to BD. I just received the following email from him. "Woe is me: My kuil blog was my swan song. They have blocked blogspot at work :( :( Sem-eye evull these fellows are."

Let us take a moments silence to mourn a fellow blogger's loss. Feel free to leave your sympathy messages here.

And the award goes to

And the award for "the longest time ever taken by a human to tell a story" goes to Karen.

This is a new segment called "and the award goes to". I just came up with it and i will interrupt regular blog posts every now and then to award these wonderful titles to various well deserving people.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

7 random factoids

I've been tagged y'all [by Miss Janefield] but im a little confused because the rules say 5 things but she did 10 so i figure ill do 7 cause dont they always have to be 7?

1. When I meet an incredibly rude person I always try to deduce why they are the way they are by checking for bodily signs. The first thing I look for is signs of pregnancy. If they pass that test I look at their clothes. If they're dressed badly it obviously means they have terrible taste which then makes it totally okay for them to hate me. If they're dressed alright I look for signs of ugliness. And most times it comes down to this. They're ugly therefore they're upset about this therefore they're mean. If they don't satisfy any of the above criteria I check for a wedding ring. Married people are always cranky.

2. Highlight of the day: B got part of her shirt stuck in the shredder today. It was very cool. She started screaming but no one would help her and apparently she thought she was going to die. Now I seriously doubt anyone in the history of mankind has ever been killed by a shredder. Anyway she kept saying the shredder needed to come with a warning. So I made one.

3. Since we're on the topic of office machinery I have to talk about my favouritest little gadget – the pencil sharpener. I recently discovered we had one in the office and its a great way to entertain myself. Now every time I'm bored I just open up a box of pencils and let the machine do its thing. The noise annoys everyone else but that's not the point. The point is actually nice and sharp and would make a fabulous weapon. There's just something about nicely sharpened pencils. I also love how they smell, very 1st grade pencil boxy which brings back fond memories. Sadly back then I always had pencil trouble. I could never get my pencils sharp enough and they were constantly breaking.There was this one kid in class, Rohan Kurien [i think] who was very cute and very neat and he always had perfectly sharpened pencils. He owned a table sharpener unlike me and I would borrow his pencils all the time. This was also a great excuse to talk to him. Yes I had crushes in the 1st grade and apparently I acted on them back then unlike now. I heard about Kurien again many years later when i was maybe 17 or 18. Supposedly he was a cricketer. Awesome! And last I heard [from a friend of his ex] he was a terrible kisser and she had to teach him how to kiss. Not so awesome.

4. I love pistachios. I just do. And I love pistachio ice cream. Sadly there's no good pistachio ice cream here which sucks. You know where you get really good pistachio ice cream? An Iyengar Bakery. It's probably one of the few remaining places that still sells Quality ice cream in that tiny cup with those tiny wooden spoons. Delicious!

5. I have a white skirt obsession. Every time i see a white skirt i have to buy it. Last i counted i had fifteen. Yes fifteen white skirts. Now to everyone else they look like the exact same skirt but i know the difference. Some are cotton, some are linen, some are a mix of both. They're different lengths of course and some are flowy and some are straight and some are flared but they're all very very pretty and you can wear them with everything and they make me very happy.

6. Ive always wanted to live in New york, in my own apartment. Ive never even been there and all I've seen of it is from television shows and movies but in my head its perfect. I know that its super expensive and the traffic is terrible but hey I've driven in Bangalore so i should manage. Its still something i really want to do. Maybe ill hate it or maybe ill love it but its definitely something i look forward to doing someday. Just me and my apartment. Oh it has to have this little mini balcony type thing where i can sit and watch the traffic.

7. I had a best friend and we don't talk anymore. We didn't fight or anything but we just haven't talked in so long and its really sad and i miss my former best friend. Call me.

I tag Bikerdude, Krish Ashok, Tanmay, Ashish and Free Spirit.

Now i take tagging very seriously so if you dont do the tag within the next 48 hours the Gods of the blogging world will be very upset and your blog will be ignored henceforth so i recommend you do it now.

Monday, July 16, 2007

Dude, people google the weirdest crap and land on MY BLOG!

Today’s words include:

1) “Shenrique” - Me thinks this would make for a fabulous drag queen name.
How does this link to my blog you ask? Well someone left a comment on one of my concert posts saying “Enrique Shenrique”. So there.

2) “Is it safe to marry a poor girl or medium class girl” – Dear confused person from Bangalore [!] first of all it’s middle class not medium class and since you insist on googling entire sentences i have to point out you’re missing an ‘a’ in that sentence and a question mark. Secondly if you want to be SAFE do not marry! Also dude ask someone professional or something. Trusting Google for marriage advice isn’t the smartest thing to do.

3) “Phenoyl smell during pregnancy” – no comment.

Here's what you guys have to do. Using key words from the above search terms form a fun sentence. Feel free to use more than one language.

I apologise for the lack of venting in over a month but i finally updated y'all.

Friday, July 13, 2007

Women have way funner blogs

Too lazy to blog. Not too lazy to link. I recommend this this and this.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

The great thing about telling your boss you’re leaving in four weeks is not having to pretend to look busy at work all day.

Sneak peek at the first ever Kb creations!

It was just a few years ago when we'd make fun of her - "Kb when you become a fashion designer you're going to need to stand on a ladder to dress your models."

Cut to now and our little Kb is all grown up. I still can't believe I'm looking at actual Kb creations.

[click on image for larger view]

She insists i mention here that the ridiculous hair and makeup were NOT done by her. She also wants to state her immense hatred for the models. :)

Kb i love the dresses [my favourite is the second one] but i love u more!

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Our boy obviously never heard of the Shetty/Gere controversy.

For someone who reads PerezHilton religiously [because well celebrity gossip is the best kind of gossip] i don't know how i managed to miss this. Luckily Brittany had emailed me the pictures even before i got to work.

Now unless you've been living under a rock [or you're K.G] you'd know this is Bipasha Basu and queer [Perez thinks] soccer dude Ronaldo.
I still think John is way hotter!

p.s. Read some of the comments on that page if you're bored. Ignorant/racist/celebrity obsessed people can be wonderfully entertaining.

Saturday, July 07, 2007

Happy Birthday DADA!

HIMESH - India's Srk/James Bond/Rajinikanth

This review is obviously NOT the work of a professional but who gives a fuck considering neither is the movie. I do apologise for the typos and the lack of fully formed sentences.

part 1 of illegal online video

scene 1: car crash, white girl dead,
raj babbar is screaming meri betiiiiiiiii

scene 2: himesh descends from a helicopter, mutters some shahrukh khan dialogue about "har insaan kabhi na kabhi kisi na kisi insaan ya jaanvar se pyaar kiya hain"

song with background dancers wearing creepy costumes borrowed from
The DaVinci code

himesh in concert, shows lots of cleavage,
crowd cheers
police arrests himesh outside the concert hall : "himesh reshammmiya u r under arrest for the murder of white girl"
HR: what nonsense
HR: it is a lieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

12 yr old girl with red rose [apparently a fan] standing outside cries as HR is taken away.

end scene

part 2 of illegal online video:

German newsreader who looks exactly like dead white girl informs world of the arrest of Indian superstar HR


enter mallika sherawat in a towel
puts on mascara on top and bottom eyelashes with the same brush. DO NOT ATTEMPT THIS AT HOME.....unless u want to look like a hooker

HR and his boy toy [hatrick roshan lookalike from Kyunki saas] are driving somewhere. boy toy makes joke about himesh and his nasal singing followed by nasal laughter. unfortunately car does not crash.

HR and boy toy are now seated in some person's house. they're served tea by another white girl who looks exactly like dead white girl/news reader.

enter mallika

at this point i decide to take a small nap

i wake up just as himesh is saving a desi girl from a burglar

later on his couch HR starts singing what has got to be the worst rendition of the Gayatri Mantra one has ever heard [with guitar]

Where is the Shiv Sena when u need them?

i fall asleep again for a bit so im not sure wtf happens

i wake up to see boy toy kissing himesh
himesh then bumps into a kid with a hole in her heart [but who's joyous and bubbly nonetheless as all children with deadly diseases in Hindi movies are] This also happens to be the same paapi gudiya with the gulabi hoova in a previous scene.

HR kills another song. this time its 'darde dil darde jigar'

scene 24567: HR is on a date with random girl.
random girl: "HR mein aapse ek sawaal puchna chahtihu. why dont u ever smile?"

HR: mein aapse kuch nahi chupaunga. mere ek bade bhai the. he was my everything, he was my world. then ek din achaanak BRAIN HEMORRHAGE. [im not making this up]

Girl then falls for HR and tells her father.
Father: "riyaaaaaaaa mein tumhe kaise samjhaao, woh tumhe pyaar nahin karte,at best you'll be his flavour of the month"

mallika then tries to seduce himesh but he tells her he loves wats her face.

then HR meets a bald man in a cemetary. bald man tries to buy him. HR refuses. he says something about only working with the people who helped him before he became a superstar.

every scene in the movie has a point to make about HR.

eg: HR kabhi sharaab nahin peeta
HR kabhi vaada nahin todta
HR only likes girls in salwar kameez [and when they're wearing modern kapde he imagines them in salwar kameez]
HR India ka naam bahut roshan karta hain

girl is taken to india to be married to someone who's not HR. her aakhri nishaani of HR is her ringtone. its HR's rendition of you guessed it ... the GAYATRI MANTRA

HR calls her and professes his love for her. girl cries. father takes away her cellphone,

then HR gate crashes girl's engagement party. decides while he's there he will sing another song. it works. riya ke pitaaji agrees to the rishta
boytoy wants HR to drink daroo on this joyous occasion that is his spontaneous engagement but our good boy HR doesnt drink... oh but when boytoy says mere kasam yaar he has to ... dosti ke khaatir

then HR is drunk
more singing follows

an orgasmic scream is heard

white girl is dead

end of flashback

Back to the present and we're live in GERMANY

It's all over the news: HR is a murderer

riya's dad "dekho, maine kahan na, dekho kitni aiyaashi nikala. dekho riya rahul tumhaara bachpan kaa saathi sab kuch jaante hue bhi tumse shaadi karna chahta hain" OF COURSE THERE'S A RAHUL IN THIS STORY. There's a RAHUL in every story.

meanwhile HR has escaped from Jail because its really easy to escape from jail when u sing like that. moo kholo sab log behosh you're out.
Riya also escapes from her father's house and runs into the arms of HR who is waiting for her at the exact moment and exact location that they NEVER DECIDED BEFOREHAND.

riya : HR mein jaanti thi ke tum beguna ho
[mein yeh bhi jaanti thi ke tum besuraa ho]
mujhe yaha se le chalo.

HR inspired by SRK again says something about not marrying without father's permission and escorts her back home to daddy. Daddy greets beti with a resounding thappad.

HR then repeats his dialogue: aap ke permission ke bina mein aapke beti se shaadi nahin karunga. he gives himself blank number of hours until the wedding to prove his innocence. [blank number of hours because in Hindi i can count only upto where Madhuri Dixit taught me in that Tezaab song. after that she goes gin gin gin gin and i'm lost.]

Investigation begins. HR, boy toy and Bani [from MTV roadies who's in the film by the by. Boy toy found her at some party]
They think either Khurana [the same bald man from the kabristaan] or Mallika could be framing HR. HR eliminates mallika because he has a GUT feeling it isnt her.

so Mallika is then asked to help find evidence. the happy foursome are now trying to get into khuraana's safe. HR breaks the code to the safe by typing in random numbers which when pressed make a lovely tune. HR's tune of course. safe opens. Just as he is about to reach into it to get the evidence Mallika yells "rokoooo, here use this so u dont get fingerprints on it" and she hands him her scarf thereby revealing more boobage. HR then removes the evidence which happens to be a gun.

Just then mottai calls HR and informs him that he has kidnapped riya and to kindly meet him in the middle of nowhere to exchange the gun for the one.
they meet. the exchange takes place and HR's bitch is returned izzat intact.
they cleavage hug until the cops come. HR is then being taken to jail when the all indian association of auto drivers show up in GERMANY and fight the cops while HR escapes.

The cops chase HR and HR's car rolls over multiple times but HR escapes unhurt. his cap even doesnt come off.

CLIMAX SCENE: kabristan man and HR are fighting in the middle of the road with the cops and the paparazzi in the vicinity. HR gets kabristan man to confess to the murder of white girl and he records all of this on .......wait for it...........the transistor he stole frm the cop car, This is then magically transformed into audio video format and is transmitted all across GERMANY. girl's father who happens to be watching tv in the middle of his daughter's pheres hears the news and stops the wedding.
HR celebrates by romancing Mallika who dances to mehBOOBa mehBOOBa.
Teh credits roll, i have a massive headache, maybe even a brain hemorrhage.


Thursday, July 05, 2007

I'm off to go grace this wunderphul event with my presence y'all

I get to go to my first American wedding tomorrow. My cousin’s wedding didn’t count because it was a circus, a very tish circus but a circus nonetheless. I think mother is more excited than I am about going. Back home she was used to attending a minimum of one wedding and one funeral per week and to her disappointment she hasn’t been invited to a single wedding since she’s been here and no one fun has died in the recent past. She is very concerned that I haven’t picked out a gift or an outfit to wear yet. I figure ill be overdressed whatever Indian outfit I pick so ill just iron [if I have the time] the least dressy one and I should be set.

Anyway that is the least of my problems. You see I’ve never bought someone a wedding present before. It’s a very grown up thing to do no? Ooh I forgot to mention its dull girl C’s wedding …yes this is the same wedding she’s been planning for the last two years, the same wedding I was forced into helping plan…right from the bridesmaids' gowns to the food to the location to her hideous dress to the song she was going to sing … that idea has since been scrapped. Instead of singing at her own wedding [who does that???] she is going to record her own rendition of some lame romantic songs on a CD and have it play as background music. Heeeeeee so back to the wedding present – I hear she’s registered at a bunch of boring places. Crate & Barrel and some other exciting domestic item store which I know if I walk into I will be lost and besides I just can’t see myself buying someone silverware or even worse a blender. So this is my big plan. I’m going to stop by at Dillard’s tonight and see if they still have those gorgeous 450 thread count Ralf Lauren sheets. Who wouldn’t like fresh linen right? Maybe they can manaao their suhaag raat on it …or not.

So as you’ve figured out by now mother is my date to the event. Don’t laugh! Brittany wanted me to take her as my special guest instead and surprise C who happens to detest Britt and has therefore not invited her. It would have been pretty fun actually but I’m not that cruel and like I said mother is very excited. Alright I have to go practice my ‘OMG I’m so happy for you and what’s his face and I wish the two of you the most wonderful wedded bliss ever’ face.

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

I learn American

So im wasting time at work today reading this website when I come across this cartoon.

So i ask Gabby what a ‘bong’ is and apparently it's not a Bengali. I was informed that it is in fact a pot smoking device; kind of like a hookah but not really.

Then Corey very kindly drew me a little diagram so that i could understand better.

I also learnt that it’s not okay to wish people “Happy Independence day” for tomorrow. They look at you kind of strange. The correct greeting is “Happy fourth”.