Saturday, July 07, 2007

HIMESH - India's Srk/James Bond/Rajinikanth

This review is obviously NOT the work of a professional but who gives a fuck considering neither is the movie. I do apologise for the typos and the lack of fully formed sentences.

part 1 of illegal online video

scene 1: car crash, white girl dead,
raj babbar is screaming meri betiiiiiiiii

scene 2: himesh descends from a helicopter, mutters some shahrukh khan dialogue about "har insaan kabhi na kabhi kisi na kisi insaan ya jaanvar se pyaar kiya hain"

song with background dancers wearing creepy costumes borrowed from
The DaVinci code

himesh in concert, shows lots of cleavage,
crowd cheers
police arrests himesh outside the concert hall : "himesh reshammmiya u r under arrest for the murder of white girl"
HR: what nonsense
HR: it is a lieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

12 yr old girl with red rose [apparently a fan] standing outside cries as HR is taken away.

end scene

part 2 of illegal online video:

German newsreader who looks exactly like dead white girl informs world of the arrest of Indian superstar HR


enter mallika sherawat in a towel
puts on mascara on top and bottom eyelashes with the same brush. DO NOT ATTEMPT THIS AT HOME.....unless u want to look like a hooker

HR and his boy toy [hatrick roshan lookalike from Kyunki saas] are driving somewhere. boy toy makes joke about himesh and his nasal singing followed by nasal laughter. unfortunately car does not crash.

HR and boy toy are now seated in some person's house. they're served tea by another white girl who looks exactly like dead white girl/news reader.

enter mallika

at this point i decide to take a small nap

i wake up just as himesh is saving a desi girl from a burglar

later on his couch HR starts singing what has got to be the worst rendition of the Gayatri Mantra one has ever heard [with guitar]

Where is the Shiv Sena when u need them?

i fall asleep again for a bit so im not sure wtf happens

i wake up to see boy toy kissing himesh
himesh then bumps into a kid with a hole in her heart [but who's joyous and bubbly nonetheless as all children with deadly diseases in Hindi movies are] This also happens to be the same paapi gudiya with the gulabi hoova in a previous scene.

HR kills another song. this time its 'darde dil darde jigar'

scene 24567: HR is on a date with random girl.
random girl: "HR mein aapse ek sawaal puchna chahtihu. why dont u ever smile?"

HR: mein aapse kuch nahi chupaunga. mere ek bade bhai the. he was my everything, he was my world. then ek din achaanak BRAIN HEMORRHAGE. [im not making this up]

Girl then falls for HR and tells her father.
Father: "riyaaaaaaaa mein tumhe kaise samjhaao, woh tumhe pyaar nahin karte,at best you'll be his flavour of the month"

mallika then tries to seduce himesh but he tells her he loves wats her face.

then HR meets a bald man in a cemetary. bald man tries to buy him. HR refuses. he says something about only working with the people who helped him before he became a superstar.

every scene in the movie has a point to make about HR.

eg: HR kabhi sharaab nahin peeta
HR kabhi vaada nahin todta
HR only likes girls in salwar kameez [and when they're wearing modern kapde he imagines them in salwar kameez]
HR India ka naam bahut roshan karta hain

girl is taken to india to be married to someone who's not HR. her aakhri nishaani of HR is her ringtone. its HR's rendition of you guessed it ... the GAYATRI MANTRA

HR calls her and professes his love for her. girl cries. father takes away her cellphone,

then HR gate crashes girl's engagement party. decides while he's there he will sing another song. it works. riya ke pitaaji agrees to the rishta
boytoy wants HR to drink daroo on this joyous occasion that is his spontaneous engagement but our good boy HR doesnt drink... oh but when boytoy says mere kasam yaar he has to ... dosti ke khaatir

then HR is drunk
more singing follows

an orgasmic scream is heard

white girl is dead

end of flashback

Back to the present and we're live in GERMANY

It's all over the news: HR is a murderer

riya's dad "dekho, maine kahan na, dekho kitni aiyaashi nikala. dekho riya rahul tumhaara bachpan kaa saathi sab kuch jaante hue bhi tumse shaadi karna chahta hain" OF COURSE THERE'S A RAHUL IN THIS STORY. There's a RAHUL in every story.

meanwhile HR has escaped from Jail because its really easy to escape from jail when u sing like that. moo kholo sab log behosh you're out.
Riya also escapes from her father's house and runs into the arms of HR who is waiting for her at the exact moment and exact location that they NEVER DECIDED BEFOREHAND.

riya : HR mein jaanti thi ke tum beguna ho
[mein yeh bhi jaanti thi ke tum besuraa ho]
mujhe yaha se le chalo.

HR inspired by SRK again says something about not marrying without father's permission and escorts her back home to daddy. Daddy greets beti with a resounding thappad.

HR then repeats his dialogue: aap ke permission ke bina mein aapke beti se shaadi nahin karunga. he gives himself blank number of hours until the wedding to prove his innocence. [blank number of hours because in Hindi i can count only upto where Madhuri Dixit taught me in that Tezaab song. after that she goes gin gin gin gin and i'm lost.]

Investigation begins. HR, boy toy and Bani [from MTV roadies who's in the film by the by. Boy toy found her at some party]
They think either Khurana [the same bald man from the kabristaan] or Mallika could be framing HR. HR eliminates mallika because he has a GUT feeling it isnt her.

so Mallika is then asked to help find evidence. the happy foursome are now trying to get into khuraana's safe. HR breaks the code to the safe by typing in random numbers which when pressed make a lovely tune. HR's tune of course. safe opens. Just as he is about to reach into it to get the evidence Mallika yells "rokoooo, here use this so u dont get fingerprints on it" and she hands him her scarf thereby revealing more boobage. HR then removes the evidence which happens to be a gun.

Just then mottai calls HR and informs him that he has kidnapped riya and to kindly meet him in the middle of nowhere to exchange the gun for the one.
they meet. the exchange takes place and HR's bitch is returned izzat intact.
they cleavage hug until the cops come. HR is then being taken to jail when the all indian association of auto drivers show up in GERMANY and fight the cops while HR escapes.

The cops chase HR and HR's car rolls over multiple times but HR escapes unhurt. his cap even doesnt come off.

CLIMAX SCENE: kabristan man and HR are fighting in the middle of the road with the cops and the paparazzi in the vicinity. HR gets kabristan man to confess to the murder of white girl and he records all of this on .......wait for it...........the transistor he stole frm the cop car, This is then magically transformed into audio video format and is transmitted all across GERMANY. girl's father who happens to be watching tv in the middle of his daughter's pheres hears the news and stops the wedding.
HR celebrates by romancing Mallika who dances to mehBOOBa mehBOOBa.
Teh credits roll, i have a massive headache, maybe even a brain hemorrhage.



Anonymous said...

U're making the movie sound better than what it is - good job!!

whine and cheese said...

did u have a hand in the production/direction of this movie?

Anonymous said...

will you be my mallika sherawhat? in my next production mera shuroor -thee movvviieeeee part 2.745

yours nasally
hammesh reshmiyya

Anonymous said...

ROFL. My thoughts exactly. Great post :)

I just saw the movie. On an illegal, but DVD quality disc bought from a nearby store. As is the case with most badly reheated yesterday's biriyanis, this will take a bit of digesting. So I am going to wait for the effect of this movie to sink in fully before I post anything.

Anonymous said...

wtf???? heheheh damn im missing all these gud movies! i shud have just gone back home!

Bikerdude said...

Shriekhahahahahaha. OMG. I am definitely watching this movie boss!

Died laughing at hindi number counting and the cleavage hugging! BOSS YOURE THE BEST!

Unknown said...


and get well soon!

rebel said...

ROTFL... And, why did you watch it again?

Neha said...

i hope you are sitting down while reading this. there is a sequel being planned :D

Anonymous said...

After watchings, immediately littel confusings, but now, Im totally in louus with the moviee.

The Big Bad Wolf said...

Hey Pri, This was hilarious!! I love the way youve reviewed this movie. please review a few more :)

Ashwin said...

Holy crap!

That's hilarious!

You get to watch all the best movies!!!

TS said...

I REALLY want to see it now.


freespirit said...

just the review makes me wanna go buy a pirated DVD. Might turn out to be a good laugh on a boring weeknight!

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

OMG! that was awesome! ('that' obviously refers to your version of the movie) :-D

P.S: I wonder why I never stumbled upon this blog sooner! :-)

chitgo said...

holy crap, if the movie is half as good as this review i'm gonna love it.

well done i say... :)

the shiva said...

so i cant smile can i?

nicely written...but HR actually does rock ( he sits on the rocker team on sa re gama...)

the dud's got attitude ( and i meant dud)...

but some parts of the movie, i have to watch again to be a better critic...:)

in the meanwhile if u havent watched cheeni kum yet, then dont miss it...its pretty neat...

Just Jane said...

i can barely type since i'm on the floor loffing guts out. you've served up one excellent dish i must say! :)))

taaliyan! slapping the floor and slapping self to stop the laffings....groannnnnn....

next, pls review a sunny deol movieeeeee :D

The_Girl_From_Ipanema said...

now i want to see it.

Anonymous said...

Hahahhaa... really the movie is like this, is it????
Man... now I wanna see it badly!!!!

White Magpie said...

You really watch movies in detail eh..It was a hit if I am not mistaken...


Punvati said...

[mein yeh bhi jaanti thi ke tum besuraa ho] Hahahahahahaha! excellent review, brilliant.. u made it sound eons better than it actually was.. here's my review.. enjoy :)

Ahem. Yes, I did go see this. Strictly to watch the acclaimed Himesh on screen and get a good laugh out of him. Well at least he did not disappoint.
What could be worse in this “moviee”? The direction, the acting, the singing, the editing, the dialogues, the choreography, the story, the all powerful Nose? Let’s be fair. They were all equally horrifying. A half baked story of the “greatest rock star in the world”; Himesh Reshammiya (HR) played by himself is arrested for a murder. Of course, it’s a mistake as he so shrilly screams out to the world. And while sitting in prison, he has a flashback… How to meet a girl in 15 days and fall in love with her and how to get the stern dad to agree to marriage and irritate him the next day by having a not-so-nice murder charge on his head. Oh and then he escapes from prison, holding a dead girls dad hostage. And did I mention he struck a deal with a creepy bald man who’s annoyed when he bails out, who also has a “sexy” lawyer colleague, the great Mallika Sherawat, who’s madly lusting over HR and wants him in her bed 5 minutes ago. Well the hostage gets killed by a henchman, HR convinces the girlfriend’s dad to give him a chance even though she’s getting married to someone else the next day, manages to prove he’s innocent and probably lives happily ever after with the girl.
Now that the facts are straight, let’s analyse this… Firstly, the movie is amazingly secular... Absolutely annoying to all religions on an equal level. The flick starts to an eerie chant of salaam walekum, moves on to the Gayatri Mantra when HR meets Miss Right (oh so appropriate) , involves a dead Parsi girl, an inter racial marriage, a nasal Punjabi type song and probably some other stuff I didn’t notice. And there’s HR himself… larger than his already annoyingly ubiquitous self and proving his acting to be just as good as his singing… The guy can’t act or put across a dialogue decently to save his life, let alone that of his Miss Right, played by Hansika Motwani, who is apparently rumoured to be 14 or 15… and trust me she looks it. Himesh romancing this super tall kid with a heavily painted face, who keeps crying, looks a pedophile to the core.
Oh my; the horror, the terror…HR showing way too much cleavage with deeper necklines than any female in the movie, the wannabe car chase scene, the ridiculous rickshaw-wala scene bang in the middle of a serious scene that looks copied from Taxi 9211 (hopelessly slapstick this one was), a drunk scene that has HR dancing like a wannabe Travolta on Ecstasy, the slutty lawyer who seems to have a side profession as a club dancer, a murderer pulling off a mask that is a replica of Himesh’s face (I mean, when was the last time you saw that!!??), way too many songs which of course had to be sung through that Nose of his, his HUGE ego showed by the hundreds of girls lusting behind him, his title of “greatest rock star in the world” (Greatest? Rock? Star?) and the millions of fans lined up to see a horrific show in what looks like Carnegie Hall, cheesy dialogues about how a girl made him smile after so long and a close up of HR laughing uncontrollably… God help us all…
And a mention which just MUST be made… It’s bad enough that Himesh was crooning the Gayatri mantra like it was a love song and strumming away to Dard-e-dil… but right in the end, when he is proved innocent (yes.. sorry for spoiling the ending for those who haven’t already seen this slapstick flick) and gets the girl he’s been battling for the whole time, the screen suddenly switches to him grinding and twisting with Sherawat wearing as little as ever to the nasal strains of Mehbooba Mehbooba in a casino and trying to turn on all the ladies watching only to have them cringe in their seats… RD Burman is turning in his grave… Can’t you just feel it??
So there you have it. Ludicrous, mediocre, but a huge laugh riot. This cannot classify as a movie. It is a pure “Moviee”. Caps off to Reshammiya. He has managed to maintain his standard.
My rating- 0.5/10, merely for HR’s sheer audacity at thinking that he could pull this off to be the serious thriller or whatever he thought it was, and for his sidekick friend who was kind of cute and kept his mouth shut a whole lot longer than Himesh did.

DewdropDream said...

Came here blog hopping and I'm very glad I did. You review, descriptions and the use of words 'paapi gudiya with gulabi hoova' and 'mottai' etc had me laughing helplessly, out loud... at work. I could just about manage to tell the boss 'I would translate if I could' before collapsing into laughter again. Brilliant piece... shall be back for more!!!

Anonymous said...

HAHAHA .. I am laughing my ASS off !!
Good job !

smalltown_girl said...

omg! i haven't laughed like this for months. thanks.. and i confess that i am obsessed now.

Sumit said...

"enter Mallika"

not on the pain of death!

Anonymous said...

The movie sounds so interesting ;)
Now I will have to go and watch it for sure. Actually such movies are hidden gems of Indian cinema-sometime in teh future ppl will be watching these movies to cure themselves of insomnia and to possibly die lafing..very good post..Still ROfWL

Pali said...

OMG...I swear I decided to comment right after your "Madhuri tutorials" lol, good job girl :-)