Tuesday, July 08, 2008

i see orange people

american women have been wearing makeup for years now [and by makeup i mean full makeup] so they think they know what they're doing. the current most popular look for a modern woman is the clean 'no makeup' look which is fine except on the way to looking not made up they end up looking biracial. let me explain. after the liquid foundation/mineral makeup powder has been set and the evening of the skin tone has taken place there is this natural bronzing step that follows. you are told to apply the bronzer where the sun naturally hits your cheek. apparently there's this one part of the cheek that the sun is supposed to hit but turns out the sun doesn't know shit and so you must do its job for it. once your cheek has been bronzed it must be blushed. that way it looks like you just tasted your desi colleague's thenginkaayi chutney while simultaneously spotting your office crush. tres natural. other ways to attain this look - calling your desi colleague 'appu'. this method works best. the redness will stay all day.

moving on to the next step, and to the most important part of the face - the eyes. more specifically the brightening of the eyes. look up eye brighteners - they're all the rage. so basically some type of eye brightener is applied along with a shiny white powder in the area surrounding the eyes. this is to make your eyes pop. [other ways to make your eyes pop - matching your necklace to your eye colour, colouring your hair red, using blue eyeliner thereby making the whitepart of your eyes whiter. yes i watch lots of makeover type shows] this will leave you with a slightly pale complexion on 50% of your face. about 20% of your face will be naturally orange and for upto 3 inches below the eyes you're rocking the albino look. wonderful. you now look wide awake. the mascara in your eyelashes whilst making your eyes appear super big also make you look slightly hillary clinton-esque. but we're not done yet because no modern woman's look is complete without the lip gloss. matte lipstick is so your mother. and her mother. not you. your lips must stay shiny all day. and we're not just talking a little shiny. your lips must act as natural mirrors reflecting the sun's rays. see this is how you get it to bounce off onto your cheekbones. the thing about super shiny lip gloss - 1. you look like a natural bimbo without even opening your mouth. and 2. there's this strange unexplained correlation between super shiny lips and a permanent pout.

for perfect examples of this type of makeup see your local newscaster. also the people from e news. but they're from la and everyone's that shade of orange there so they're cool.

p.s. while our american counterparts are trying to replicate all the colours of the rainbow on their face we in india are only trying to get to one shade - white. nonsense rubbish.

never mind. i just saw the new priyanka chopra ad where you can pick what shade of white you want to be. pale white or pinkish white.

picture courtesy bikerdodanna.


narendra shenoy said...

I went the other day with wife and we shopped for stuff to put on uppper eyelid.A lot of expertise goes into this area. The female with whom wife was having discussion was more dignified than our cardiologist. But then, she probably knows more about how to make hearts beat, one way or another. This one's probably one of her (the make-up female's, not the cardiologist's) clients

perplexed said...

'rocking the albino look'- buwahahahahaaa!!!

Sakshi said...

For best tips on how to look, please tune to local Fox news - big hair, mascara that makes it impossible to close eyes or blink, and lip stick that shade of pink that makes you look sick.

And what do Indians prefer - pale white or pinkish? I am going home so want to know what to aim for!

a million different people said...


Another thing that is so no one is people applying miles of eyeliner on the eyelid. That's not smoky eye. That's charred eye. Which will get you a black eye. From me. And that won't even be wrong. Bah. These faux make up peoples.

I love Lucy said...

We were in your old ooru for the long weekend....and we loved it!
Paapa ya Pri...to think that you had to leave that lovely place and live in Houston!

Thanatos said...

I'll have my matrimonial ad ask, nay demand, for "tall, fair, slim, good looking girl". Said girl must try everything to look white and then follow the methods you described to look natural-orange.

Silvara said...


u mad me feel totally guilty for wearing bronzer now lol....not that i look orange...I'd look more roasted lol :P

I ain't into the white thing :P

Just Another Person said...

hahahahahahhahahahahaha this is so funny! :)

Anonymous said...

ROFL @ calling a desi colleague Appu

That Priyanka Chopra ad is one big crap! Fools they are thinking we all are!!!