Sunday, March 30, 2008

the woman who birthed gaysin and the annoyance she causes every weekend.

these are just some of the things she has said to us this weekend. currently we're looking at at least another five and a half hours of annoying aunty time.

seeing me up before noon on a sunday: "oho! how come you're awake so early today?"

um so as to ensure i don't miss something brilliant you might happen to say?

tugging at my hair: "your hair used to be sooooooo nice when you were small. so long and straight and shiny." now what the hell kind of response goes with that statement? considering also that the woman doing the commentary has sported a bandli cut for some two of the last three decades.

pointing at my brother: "your pants are too long. you shouldn't wear so long. you will trip and fall." now you and i and by now i'm sure even the neighbours know that the chances of brother falling flat on his face have less to do with the length of his pants and more to do with his part time love affair with narcotics. but annoying aunty from hell doesn't know that. and for good reason.

you must also know that she has had this terrible cough that has lasted forever. it's very terminally ill ninety year old patient. the coughing doesn't stop her continuous banter. she will talk through the worst cough and you can hear the phlegm in her mouth. as we speak she is describing the thickness of said phlegm.

"how come you'll didn't buy mangoes? we bought from the indian store last week. so nice it was. i always eat the seed and give gaysin the cheeks." nobody responded to that statement. i pretended to be fascinated with my cuticles and brother with his foil experiment.

referring to brother's red bull contest entry - "see i personally feel like there needs to be more red bull design on the truck. also you should add off license plate." now clearly brother has read the contest rules. also he's the one making the damn truck.

looking in my direction again: "so is your room still clean?" please to note she spontaneously cleaned it for me one weekend and now i can't find my w-2 form to file my taxes.

referring to my cousin's little kid: "so fat he is no? you saw the new photo she sent of him on the beach. my god. so fat!"

earlier today she was heard dissing oreo cookies. "i don't know why everyone here loves these oreo cookies so much. i don't see what is so great about them."

to anyone who will listen: "where you bought your kurta/boat/monkey?" you name it, she'll ask how much you paid for it. and tell you that it looks like it was made it india.

today she so graciously brought us a bag of squishy brownies. my theory is that she either dropped it on the floor and swept it back up or she left in on the couch and gaysin accidentally sat on it. "i brought it for you'll because if i take it home gaysin will eat it and he's getting too fat."

umm thanks? now go the eff away!

p.s. i don't even want to begin describing the sucking noises she makes after each meal. just know that it goes on for at least a half hour and is usually done in everyone's presence. while everyone else is trying to watch some tv annoying aunty from hell likes to vacuum her teeth. now what was that senator clinton saying about not being able to choose your own relatives? she's totally right that one. and before you ask of course i'm still an obama girl.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

dude penguins are fat

so the fool was on vacation all of this week. he finally showed up to work wednesday afternoon but wednesday evening i found out i didn't get the transfer. they brought up some lame six month rule and i was pissed. i still am. but more importantly this now means i no longer have a specific deadline in which to complete the very challenging task i had set out to do. which also means now when i see him i'm just like meh.

he is being all gentlemanly though, rushing to open the door when i walk in balancing two cups of coffee which to be fair almost everyone always does, when i give them the eye. yes i'm terrifying to work with when i haven't had my coffee.

i do get all giggly when they play 'shorty i could take you there' on the radio because r still has a slight jamaican accent. I KNOW!!

"We can go to the tropics
Sip pina coladas
Shorty I could take you there"

mmm hmm mm hmm sure you could...

"Or we can go to the slums
Where killas get hung"

OR we could just skip that part and go watch ze creekeet on ze beech no?

i don't think i'm doing the right accent.

you guys continue to pray for a miracle. i'm even wearing lancome miracle, you know for special effects. alright back to work.

Monday, March 24, 2008

happy easter and help me get laid

that wasn't meant to be a pun on easter eggs. we don't do puns and we most definitely don't say 'no pun intended' after clearly using one and hoping everyone gets how smart and witty we are. people are so lame!! real post continues below:

we were invited to gaysin's house for easter lunch today. the food itself was decent even though gaysin hadn't cooked. he did set the table beautifully though. other notable things he did - hire a jesus movie and purchase a 5 layer mother-load chocolate cake. yes, apparently such a thing exists. we came pretty close to actually watching the jesus movie. if i hadn't pointed to the other dvd on the table just in time and said "wait, is that the new anne hathaway movie you have there? omg mummy really wanted to watch it. didn't you mummy?" we would so have been watching jesus and his entourage. the anne hathaway movie turned out to be boring as hell. jane austin's story supposedly. mother argued it was jane eyre's story while aunty claimed it was jane bronte's story. now you and i know no such person exists. aunty on the other hand isn't as brilliant and so the two argued until about fifteen minutes into the movie when someone referred to the protagonist as ms. austen thereby bringing some much needed silence to the room. aunty however continued to maintain a rather confused look on her face until gaysin figured out what it was and turned on the subtitles after which everyone breathed a sigh of relief. ooh ooh i have to say here that gaysin received a very suspicious phone call during lunch from a kevin person. his voice got all high and i got all curious. by the way i haven't yet directly asked brother about my gaysin theory. he will occasionally look up from one of his paintings to declare that the person on tv sounds exactly like gaysin and the person on tv is invariably a gay guy.

remember how i told you about brother's random drug confession to me the other day? well now he keeps asking if employers here require drug testing. that and he's been talking a lot of crazy lately. like the other day in the middle of conan he pulled out his guitar and started singing stupidly and then paused to demonstrate the lowest sound the guitar could make and how it was related to om and how that explained how the universe worked or something. i don't know if i should be more worried for his health or more saddened because it has taken him less than two months to cultivate such friendships in the neighbourhood while his sister who has been here much longer barely recognizes the neighbours. except the ones with the annoying kids who think we all live in sound proof apartments. anyway i tuned out halfway through his very strange conversation. that's the one cool thing about brother. you don't have to actually be listening for him to keep talking. he wont try to quiz you in the middle unlike mother who will, every couple of minutes.

for those of you who have been concerned for a while now about your favourite blogger's health and have recommended that she get laid, i will say this - i am trying. remember r? he would be, to refresh your memory the only hot boy at the office, the same one i was unsure whether it would be appropriate to have a crush on. now ONLY six months later, just when i might be transferring to a different location, i have decided that he is in fact totally crushable material and it would in fact be perfectly acceptable for us to *gasp* make out. so yeah to quote a famous dp contributor - i will be looking into the matter. [certain jokes you will only get if you are fortunate enough to have permission to the sicrit blog] anyway bm has very kindly offered me some advice on office flirting. i will be attempting to try some of it in the coming week. for your part you can pray to whatever god or restricted substance you pray to for some type of miracle. i wouldn't try jesus. for fairly obvious reasons he isn't talking to me. and for the record i was totally planning on going to church today but stuff came up.

Sunday, March 23, 2008

public service announcement

um ft collins person, are you gonna say hi? you're freaking me out a little. i figured it was only right to freak you out too. what else is up on this lovely easter evening?

while we're at it frederick maryland person, i will have you know you are freaking out a LOT of bloggers. also bookmark more fool. google less.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Obama Speech: 'A More Perfect Union'

they're not showing the whole speech on cnn. you need to hear the whole speech.

in which mother loses her memory and brother acts like a homeless person

sorry we've been so lazy. nothing remotely exciting has happened in weeks. not even on tv. it's very sad. ooh the one thing that is happening is india fashion week. do check out highheelconfidential for fabulous coverage. the one complaint i have about them though is they're not mean enough. there's so much to be ridiculed, especially the male models. look out for the salman khan clone. surma, blush, pout. he made my day that one.

in other news brother and me are bonding which is weird. i dont do bonding very often, especially not with family members. anyway brother has decided we're old enough to talk about everything so he's been bombarding me with scandalous information especially about his time in africa and his full time hobby - marijuana. i'm not quite sure what to do with this information. i cant possibly pass it on to mother. she will freak the hell out. she is now into repeating instructions every five minutes and not because she wants to be annoying. it's because she forgets she's already talked to me about it. it's confusing. and hilarious. i find it's most fun for me when she's focused on brother. brother happens to be an artist. an out of work artist. an out of work artist who cannot sit in once place for more than five minutes. even if that place is in front of the tv. i dont get such people. he's been making random pieces of art work much to my fascination and mother's horror. the raw material he uses to come up with these pieces is what mostly causes the horror. the thing is the boy has the heart of a homeless person. he's totally okay with wandering the streets and picking up random little toy cars and such which he will then use along with soda cans and paint and other artisty crap to make stuff. mother has been trying to give him things to do, like making easter bunny cards for each of her kids at school. the last two days he's been doing these intricate pop up bunnies with pictures of the kids. turns out mother is a very demanding client. also very particular. when brother asked if he could write hoppy easter on the card she didnt think it was very funny.

i have to admit though we did have a wonderful sibling bonding moment during the whole card making process. it was when we were making fun of the little school children. like the little albino kid and the one with the scary face and the one who looks like an angry 80 year old man.

also i have got brother hooked on the daily show and the late late show with craig fergusson so that's two things we can watch together. 'what not to wear' and presidential politics he's not really into. animal mating and cops chasing stupid people im not really into. but we manage. alright i gotto go eat lunch. tata.

Friday, March 14, 2008

it's called blog abuse.

intoxicated. toxic. xic. ed. into. xcited. oxi. cat. cate. din. i. not. ton. can. dan. tan. ate. date.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008


creepy old man in hat: green is a good colour on you.

thank you.

oooh!! what kind of perfume do you have on?

it's some type of lotion i think.

really? it's so enticing.

um okay.

[sniffing] it's magical you know?


it's overcoming.


it's a magic in itself.

trying not to barf: OKAY!!

THIS at a time in the day when i am drinking office coffee. lukewarm office coffee.

i want to kill old men everywhere!!

Thursday, March 06, 2008

because i'm bored and pictures of celebrities have been known to increase stats


christian siriano - he just won project runway and he's only 21! we're hardly surprised. also to get that kind of reaction from posh, you know he has to be good. did you see her swoon during the finale? other reasons we can't help but love him - he says fierce and bitches every 2 seconds. and have you seen him skip?


hillary clinton

this one has the scary eyes. also i think her suit, necklace and lipstick [always bright red or burnt orange] combos might be turning me colour blind. disco was sobbing all of yesterday when he realised she's never going away.


nancy grace

gaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh this one gives me nightmares. her favourite topic in the entire world is natalie holloway. she'll find a way to mention her name every 7 minutes.


jon stewart*

not all men are adorable when they giggle. this one is. did anyone watch him on larry king a couple of weeks ago? genius.


conan o'brien - funniest red haired giant ever! and even though it was probably one of his writers who came up with it 'bunjee jumping baby jesus' is by far the funniest character i have ever seen on national tv and he deserves credit for letting them air it. did anyone see the take over ceremony where raul castro rabbit dj took over from fidel castro rabbit dj as official rabbit dj on the show?


lewis black [he's getting his own show on comedy central soon wooo hooo!!!] funniest when he is truly mad. best known for his bursts of anger, finger pointing and starbucks jokes. favourite topic - dick cheney's hobbies.


craig ferguson
does a mean prince charles impression. one of his many talents. former drunk. switches between being gay and straight during his monologues.

the end.

well apparently i only like men who can make me laugh and extremely talented gay guys. what's new?

p.s. anyone know when all the shows will be back on? it's been two weeks since the writers have been back no?

* made it to my do list [see side bar]

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

they're all done? no way!!

india has just won the second odi and the tri series thereby cutting short an away series some* would call too short.

*some = no one i know

when they started this tour it was late fall. it is now spring. that's three seasons out of a total of four. the fact that it remained summer in australia the whole time doesn't count. we have changed calender years. it is now lent. okay you get my point.

discoveries of the longest tour in the history of mankind - this thing that kinda grows on you and that rohit sharma. damn that boy is ugly and gives terrible interviews. but what a stunning batsman. you go kiddo!! and big hug to sachin. it took you 40 years but you finally showed us you could make a match winning hundred in the second innings of a big final. the other ninety was a cool bonus too. don't take me seriously. i love you. not as much as dada though and im still pissed they sent him home. i still maintain the bcci made a huge mistake sending vvs and dada home. they were just lucky this series was long enough for our baby team to hit puberty and thereby pull off a win.

i feel old.

did i mention i'm sick? i have a big cold. but here i am, at work, sulking.

p.s. congratulations to our under 19 team as well. they won the world cup!! i tell you one day we will actually win the world cup we want.

Sunday, March 02, 2008


today, being a saturday, was a short day. dayum watch me punctuate! i awoke around oh 4 ish. yes that would qualify as evening.

today, the first of the month meant i got to throw out my contact lenses and put new ones in. i rip my contact lenses up at the end of every month and put them in the trash. i am very satisfied after this ceremony. yes i might need to see someone about that.

today chamki emailed me this lovely picture of mrs. keller. i am most excited that parts of my post made it to her page. aah the internet. one day i see a crazy lady and i write about her while im on my lunch break and two days later someone has drawn her, hideous hair and all. im an inspiration to artists everywhere.

today mother brought me back a present from her trip to the supermarket. a newspaper with obama's face on the front page. the title of the article read obama and me.

i read the article, scanned through the rest of the paper, was easily scandalised by all the hooker ads and then proceeded to rest my ass on the couch for the rest of the evening, only getting up to do laundry and get more refrigerated kit kat, the best kind. while i watched cnn, snl, jimmy kimmel's tribute to jimmy kimmel and part of the soup my brother started and finished an obama sketch for me copying the picture from the newspaper. he claims it isn't done yet. it looks close enough to me but since he still insists on working on it i told him he might want to widen the smile a little more. that's me, such an inspiration to artists everywhere.

today my dad called at the fall of the third australian wicket to check if i was watching. we then discussed all the different types of cameras he would be taking on his trip to the holy land. i asked what he'd bring me. he said um a cross? a rosary? i tried not to laugh too loud. you want to be careful about these things. i remember one time brown jacket uncle gave me this religious book. it was before i left for the states. he came over to my house and lectured me about america. said i needed to be careful about getting influenced by its evil culture. i remember thinking too late old man, nodding and taking the book from him. the book i left behind in my room of course. the book my dad later discovered i hadn't taken with me. he was pissed. oh well.

today i cleaned out my car. oh did you know i now cant open my door anymore? at least not from the outside. i have to either leave the window open so i can reach in and use the handle from the inside or i have to crawl in from the other side through the door that does open. this doesn't help in the mornings when im always late and trying to decide between a trip to starbucks and drying my hair.

i guess today wasn't as uneventful as i originally thought. i have clean underwear now so im good at least for a couple of weeks. plus my car doesn't look like a garbage truck anymore. in fact it looks like a normal car. until you try to open it.

p.s. as much as i love obama i cant get myself to finish his book in one stretch. not with 'me talk pretty one day' sitting right next to it, all blue green and inviting. the only reason i bought this book by the way - the cover. so far i have decided that i can in fact judge a book by its cover.

p.p.s. don't hate me but im having second thoughts about doing the tag[s].

so, what did you do today?

tgfi: today's title okay with you?

for anyone who has problems with my punctuation let me just say this. at least you don't have to receive emails from me from my phone. i have yet to discover where the full stop button it and all my emails end up being one big sentence. ask karen.

Saturday, March 01, 2008

beta swaeter pehno

some lady at work gave me two tickets to the houston ballet. i took it because it was free and you dont not take free stuff. i wasn't seriously planning on going but then she came back to double check if i was and i was like well ill have to ask mother if she's interested. that seemed to really delight her. now i realise if i do go i might have to sit next to her during the entire show which would mean

1. i would need to converse with her


2. that would automatically make us friends. after all we'd have been to the ballet together. i don't think i like her enough for that. or at all.

anyway i made the mistake of showing the tickets to mother and of course she's dying to go. now brother and me have a big decision to make. neither of us wants to go see a fucking ballet but we don't know how to suggest she take gaysin.

gaysin was here earlier today along with his mommy dearest. he asked if we wanted to go watch a movie. brother was like yeah we were planning to go watch and before he could say 'vantage point' gaysin was like "the other boleyn girl???". of course he'd pick that to go see. in case you haven't heard of it, it stars that hot bana boy and natalie portman and scarlet johanson's boobs, not that the boobs would be important criteria in gaysin's choice of movie. eventually we ended up scrapping the idea because mother decided it was late and getting dark. it was 6:30! then mother also decided this was a good time to pull out her collection of letters to her sister. ones she wrote between the years of 1972 and 1980 bc or something. she recently unearthed these letters and she's been reading them non stop ever since. the pages are all yellow and they make that weird noise thin typewrite paper from the seventies make. she recited random paragraphs from the letters for us stopping every now and then to give us background story. something about brother using his pocket money to buy gaysin sweets and bonda at school and one about gaysin dressing up as little bo peep for some type of competition. at this same event brother apparently wore banana leaves and went as adam from adam and eve. gaysin got all giggly remembering the good old days. he sighed and threw his hands up in the air every time mother read something he remembered. very entertaining evening was had.

p.s. brother has been here a month now. he insists american water has too much chlorine and now only drinks bottled water. thank you bwssb.