seeing me up before noon on a sunday: "oho! how come you're awake so early today?"
um so as to ensure i don't miss something brilliant you might happen to say?
tugging at my hair: "your hair used to be sooooooo nice when you were small. so long and straight and shiny." now what the hell kind of response goes with that statement? considering also that the woman doing the commentary has sported a bandli cut for some two of the last three decades.
pointing at my brother: "your pants are too long. you shouldn't wear so long. you will trip and fall." now you and i
you must also know that she has had this terrible cough that has lasted forever. it's very terminally ill ninety year old patient. the coughing doesn't stop her continuous banter. she will talk through the worst cough and you can hear the phlegm in her mouth. as we speak she is describing the thickness of said phlegm.
"how come you'll didn't buy mangoes? we bought from the indian store last week. so nice it was. i always eat the seed and give gaysin the cheeks." nobody responded to that statement. i pretended to be fascinated with my cuticles and brother with his foil experiment.
referring to brother's red bull contest entry - "see i personally feel like there needs to be more red bull design on the truck. also you should add off license plate." now clearly brother has read the contest rules. also he's the one making the damn truck.
looking in my direction again: "so is your room still clean?" please to note she spontaneously cleaned it for me one weekend and now i can't find my w-2 form to file my taxes.
referring to my cousin's little kid: "so fat he is no? you saw the new photo she sent of him on the beach. my god. so fat!"
earlier today she was heard dissing oreo cookies. "i don't know why everyone here loves these oreo cookies so much. i don't see what is so great about them."
to anyone who will listen: "where you bought your kurta/boat/monkey?" you name it, she'll ask how much you paid for it. and tell you that it looks like it was made it india.
today she so graciously brought us a bag of squishy brownies. my theory is that she either dropped it on the floor and swept it back up or she left in on the couch and gaysin accidentally sat on it. "i brought it for you'll because if i take it home gaysin will eat it and he's getting too fat."
umm thanks? now go the eff away!
p.s. i don't even want to begin describing the sucking noises she makes after each meal. just know that it goes on for at least a half hour and is usually done in everyone's presence. while everyone else is trying to watch some tv annoying aunty from hell likes to vacuum her teeth. now what was that senator clinton saying about not being able to choose your own relatives? she's totally right that one. and before you ask of course i'm still an obama girl.