Tuesday, September 16, 2008

lettuce come together brown people.

kindly be seeing.

with regard to sepia mutiny [and the other desi group blogs that seem to follow a similar pattern] i think it's hysterical how obsessed they've become with discovering potential candidates to accuse of racism and stereotyping. i mean anything any white person says about brown people is scrutinized until through some weird logic it is proven to be offensive.

what amazes me tremendously is their ability to spot all these random desi people in the background at some political rally or on some 2 minute spot on tv. you'd think they have some type of special application on their tivo to pause every time it sees brown. i mean i watch a lot of tv but holy crap did you know there was recently a brown person "representing" us on a cooking reality show for all of 20 minutes after which they were tragically eliminated thus dashing a billion hopes whilst managing to leave a crack in the glass ceiling for future desi chefs who want to be on reality tv. i'm surprised they didn't start some type of online petition protesting the cut.

also at the bottom of their page it says and i'm not making this up - "to prevent comment spam, please type the word brown below". and it doesnt work if you type wheatish complexioned.

it's time for a gtalk talk post. warning: all gtalk talk posts are extremely silly.

Siddharth's new status message - I wish I could live in the dream that I fly on tarred & feathered wings 12:36 AM
me: wtf does that mean?
me: why tarred and feathered?
why not tarred and glittered?
Siddharth: you don't know tarred and feathered aa?
me: no
Siddharth: in the olden days if you were accused of something
me: they cut your head off yes?
Siddharth: they would put a vat of tar on you and then put feathers and make you go around the city
AND THEN cut your head off
me: dont lie. they didnt have tar back then
they didn't have roads
me: u know when ppl say india zindabad
pakistan murdabad
i always get confused
Siddharth: yes
me: if they say zindabad it's good
and if they say murdabad it's bad no?
Siddharth: good doubt
me: good doubt it seems
Siddharth: you know
i didn't know what dhedh and dhai difference was
i kept getting confused
and then one movie released called dhai akshar prem ke
and i knew there were two and a half letters in the hindi prem
so that's how i know
me: omfg
dhai akshar prem ke
is also how i learnt that they have special words for half numbers
Siddharth: im glad you are my pgf
me: first of all their whole numbers are so hard
like in normal languages if u know 1 to 19
Siddharth: i dont know after 25
Siddharth: yes yes
me: and then 20 30 40 etc u can do the rest
Siddharth: yes yes
me: but in hindi it's so random
Siddharth: exactly
i know ninyanave
because it's always ek sow ninyanave
isn't that the coolest word?
me: i know shoonya
because on that surabhi show on dd
remember with renuka shahane?
she used to read the postal address
Siddharth: heheheehe
i know
you know what decimal point is?
me: and it had so many shoonyas in it
Siddharth: i know
decimal is dhashamlau
because temperature in chennai is always chaalees dhasamlau nou
me: heh
paapa chennai peoples
me: hehe. i know
Siddharth: are you shitting me?
me: i'm sure they looked less cheap greeting card in person
me: tell me abt zindabad murdabad
u know the diff?
Siddharth: murd sounds like murder
and zinda means living
does that help?
me: yes yes
Pri's new status message - 'lehman brothers murdabad tiwari brothers zindabad' 1:13 AM
Siddarth: who are the lehman brothers?
me: nobody
after today

p.s. no offense meant to blogger linked. the flowers you pick don't make you who you are.

Monday, September 15, 2008

my hurricane story

preparation -

i prepare for the hurricane by stocking up on burts bees wax chapstick and nivea. there are no long lines at walgreens unlike at the grocery store and the gas station.

brother stocks the refrigerator with beer and ice cream.

mother starts storing water in every available pot. this after both bathtubs have been filled with water. all this water storage reminds her of her childhood. i point to anderson cooper on tv before she starts one of her 'when we were young' stories.

the night before - brother plays the piano in the garage with the garage door up even though it has started to rain. i make comment about brother being like the captain of the titanic willing to go down with his ship. mother insists i go take a picture of him in the garage. further comments about him floating off on his piano stool are not appreciated by mother. brother doesn't take any warning seriously. he wanders around the neighborhood looking to save cats and other traumatized animals while mother yells for him to get back inside.

the night of the hurricane i decide it would be wise to sleep in the coridoor. my bed is right near the window and right outside the window is a massive tree. i search for my rosary which i am unable to detach from my earphones and place it under my pillow. i sleep for a bit and wake up when i hear a loud noise. brother points to a metal roof on the other side of the street about to lift off and crash into a nearby window or car of its choice. we watch for a while, get bored and look to the television for more dramatic pictures. the power keeps going off so i go back to sleep. and i sleep good too. with dreams and stuff. i distinctly remember turquoise earings and shopping with sunnu. i wake up saturday morning when dad calls and proceed to check if my tv made it through the night. it did. my directv international dish is still in place. i doubt the internet will work. it would be asking for too much. but omg i can see google! i put my rosary away.

saturday morning -

gaysin calls. you guys have power?


gaysin - what? we lost power this morning.


gaysin - you'll probably lose power too. they're saying most people will lose power.

well the hurricane's gone so..

gaysin - yeah but they're saying everyone will lose power.

right... how about i inform you once we lose it?

saturday afternoon -

mother [yelling from upstairs] have you seen anderson cooper?


mother - have you seen him? because i haven't seen him since last night.

im sure he's fine ma.

mother - ya but he was reporting from downtown houston last night and that's where all those glass buildings were.

i'm sure anderson is smart enough to get out of the way of falling glass.

mother - but he hasnt reported since last night. it's afternoon now.

good god mother. im sure cnn would have said something is he were dead.

every 30 mins or so gaysin and his mother call in to check if we still have power.

dude we still have power. we still have cable. we still have the internet.

gaysin - internet also? oh.

like i said. i will inform you once we lose power. okay?

gaysin calls while i'm painting my toe nails.

gaysin calls while im watching dan in real life.


ma why do they keep calling?

ma: i dont know. they're bored without electrictity. you think i should invite them to come here?

oh god no!

gaysin calls again - you'll dont have water is it?

bahhhhh! the pressure is very low.

gaysin - yeah we just spoke to aunty d [this person lives on the other side of the planet by the way] and she was saying you guys didnt have water.

yes yes no water here.

gaysin - didnt you guys fill up your bathtubs?

we did. we're fine.

gaysin - oh okay. we have water here.


and before you know it it's the end of the weekend and i have to be at work tomorrow. sniff.

oh and disco's okay too.

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

holy crap it's been so long blogger even looks different.

warning: i wrote like 75% of this post weeks ago. then i got lazy and forgot all about it. today i decided i might as well publish it and so i dug it out and did this hurried two minute ending. sorry but thanks for being all patient and adoring. sniff. okay here.

i've been a lazy blogger these last couple of weeks partly because i was on vacation and then i was exhausted from all the vacationing. it wasn't your traditional vacation. i had to drive my new car down from la to houston. it took three days. i was by myself. it was fun but tiring. i only got lost twice which is shocking if you know me because i get lost easy. i dropped my uncle and his family at the airport and got on to the highway. i had been told that it would be one straight road the whole way so i was like sure why not, any fool can do this. forty minutes later i found I-10 closed due to road construction. it was way too early to be lost. i had to randomly select from the remaining two open roads and i picked one and kept driving in the hopes that eventually it would meet up with I-10. ten minutes later i was driving to nowhere so i took an exit. i stopped for breakfast at a mcdonalds where no one could speak english. i was handed splenda, sweet and low and ketchup before i finally got the sugar i asked for. then i drove around on the street looking for a hair place. i saw two. both were closed. i was mad because according to their door sign they were supposed to be open at this hour. it was only much later that i realized it was sunday. anyway having woken up at 4 in the morning to drop family at the airport i hadn't had the time to wash my hair so it was all flat and oily. i wanted happy bouncy hair for this trip because damn it i was in la. or at least i was driving through la. what if i bumped into seacrast at a signal? anyway this kind man at the gas station gave me good directions and i was back on i 10. i drove through la and out of california and into arizona which wasnt very pretty. mostly desert. i passed mountains, cacti, the occasional fly. it wasn't very fascinating but it was cool. just me, my music and some 18 cups of coffee.

i stopped in phoenix arizona. some place called baseline. and now this makes no sense but since baseline was a big road in boulder i figured it should be a decent road in arizona and of course i turn the corner and see a hair place that was open. i was stoked. the lady inside looked at me all strange. you just want me to wash your hair? mm hmm. and she did and she blow dried it too and it was all happy and bouncy again. 3 bucks totally well spent. i asked her if there was a starbucks close by and she said yeah in the mall. i had heard enough. i proceeded to find this mall which was just down the street. i ended up spending over an hour at the neiman marcus outlet store. see this was precisely why i had decided to do this drive thing by myself. this freedom to stop wherever for however long i wanted. i drove a couple more hours and stayed the night at a best western motel. it looked decent. plus they had free wireless and breakfast. i called mother and gave her all the information she requested. the physical address and exact location of said motel. what direction my room was facing, the dude at the counter's name. my room number, the hotel telephone number. any bit of information i could give her she would take. the poor lady has watched way too many lifetime movies. she probably didn't sleep very well that first night. i did. i made it just in time for the breakfast buffet. i was not going to miss a free buffet. you know the thing about these free breakfasts is when they say between 6 and 9 they're not kidding. if you show up at 8:55 like i did they've already started clearing stuff up. this lady was like hi honey, let me know if you want anything more from this platter before i clear it up. i was like um how bout you just leave everything here until i'm done. i didn't actually say that. i was like um ill have a muffin. i also ate the eggs and some bread and butter and coffee and some other sweet honey bun or something. then i set off. i stopped only to fill gas and pee. i had been advised not to use the rest area restrooms in arizona. something about giant scorpions.

the second day was not as fun. driving in 105 degree weather isnt much fun even with the a/c on full blast. i drove through new mexico and into texas which psychologically felt like i was getting closer to my destination but really texas is a huge ass place and i was maybe half done. that evening i planned to break around 8:30 but two things happened. one we were into central time zone so just like that i lost two hours. and two i was driving and driving and i could not see civilization. also it was getting super dark. at one point i finally saw a sign that said lodging next exit so i took the exit. right at the corner there was a car parked and a man was standing around looking very lost. he came up to my car and was trying to say something to me. i couldn't hear him because my window was up and i was not going to lower it for him. then the fool tried to open my door. i was like okay this is creepy and sped off. poor man, i'm pretty sure he was just lost. oh well. then i continued driving looking for some type of motel and i passed a cemetery and of course that's always reassuring. i finally saw a couple of lodges but they looked shady. they werent the standardized motels you see everywhere so i turned around and got back on the highway, i had to drive another couple of hours until i came to a city. i was a little freaked out after passing the cemetery so i started to imagine things. at one point i swore i saw something in my rear-view mirror. something, not some one. like a ghost type thing. and then i heard a noise so i was totally freaked out. i quickly reached into my bag for my rosary. the good catholic girl that i am, i always carry one of those around for exactly this type of scenario. anyway the noise turned out to be the a/c blowing on my bag of chips. and the ghost type thing we'll never know. eventually i reached a normal looking town. i called mother and went straight to bed. it was way past ten by the time i checked out the next morning.

day three wasn't as terrible as day two mostly because i was determined it would be my last day of driving. it was pretty uneventful. i stopped every couple of hours. got coffee, washed my face, did some local sight seeing by which i mean i went searching for this nail place that was lovely and all but sadly couldn't accommodate me for another 5 hours. apparently this lady was the only manicurist in the entire town. she told me to come back at 6 o'clock that evening. i was like um ill be in san antonio by 6 o'clock. anyway i got to drink some really good coffee at this one small restaurant. the lady even warmed up milk for me. then i drove some more wishing i owned more music. i had already listened to everything i owned. just when i was about to doze off i realized there were signs instructing all traffic to exit the highway. it was border patrol. they were stopping people and checking stuff. just like in the movies. mostly cars were driving by real slow. when it came to my turn the guy instructed me to stop. he stared at the insides of my car. to be fair it looked like i was running away from my country. i had suitcases and towels and food thrown around the back seat. that and apparently i appear hispanic. the guy was like where are you going and where are you coming from and are you a citizen of the united states. i was giggling at this point and he looked confused. eventually he let me go when he realized i was indian and not hispanic. he was like oh india. well okay then, drive safe. so i drove some more and then i saw this beautiful sunset and then i was home. to my bed and my couch and my shoes.

p.s. i am officially taking randeep hooda off my to do list. for one something tragic has happened to his face. he doesn't look like my rahul idiot from monsoon wedding anymore. also i saw this interview with him on mtv with anoushka and that girl from 'rock on' who i adore by the way and the whole time he was just being so incredibly annoying and interruptive and unfunny. he wouldn't let anyone else talk.

p.p.s. in other news i'm so over these damn hurricanes. the next one headed to houston is called ike. what kind of name is that? i refuse to be afraid of something named ike. now gustav i get. i was terrified of gustav. that and cnn kept saying how it could be the worst thing in the history of the universe. if there really were an order to evacuate i don't know how i'd pack. i couldn't not take all my stuff. i love all my stuff equally. okay some more than others but i dont have the time to seperate them into order of importance. sure i could probably fit most of my personal items in my car but then i'd have to leave my family behind. i feel bad for the people with the kids and the pets. oh well.

p.p.p.s. apparently interruptive isn't a real word. i think it sounds just fine.