Friday, July 18, 2008

we were suddenly inspired to do a post on the sicrit blog. hehe. we feel evil.

if you're special and you have an invite please to enjoy. if you don't have an invite email me at if you have asked for an invite and haven't received one yet chances are you are what inspired us to revive the dead blog so kindly go cry into a keyboard somewhere.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

awwww such a brave little girl. i would be devastated if my disco died.

mother took a break this week from forwarding me warning emails about potential muggers in target parking lots and musical greeting cards with scenic backgrounds and/or babies dressed as various animals/fruits to show me instead this video. apparently it's all the rage with internet savvy desi auntyjees.

Friday, July 11, 2008

mother and black people

i'm just going to say it. mother is prejudiced towards black people. over the years she has come to believe that all the black people are after all the indian people's jewelery. she panics when we're out at night and she sees a black man in the distance. she starts running towards the car and will check the locks over and over again. this is not a laughing matter but her reaction cracks me up.

anyway brother has made a new friend and he's black. a fellow artist he met someplace. i've met the guy and yes he absolutely looks like he just escaped from prison but that doesn't necessarily make him a criminal. anyway he came over the other day and mother was introduced to him. she served him a snack and came right over to the living room where i was, to check with me if he made me nervous. i was like no ma, you're mad. go watch your lifetime movie but she was seriously panicking. the whole time he was here she kept checking to make sure all her precious dolls were still in the showcase. all i cared about was the tv and i was watching it so i wasn't worried.

anyway the guy came over again last night and stayed pretty late. around 11ish mother calls brother on his cell phone, asks him to come upstairs and proceeds to give him a lecture on this unacceptable situation. apparently she said something along the lines of "but you barely know him, aren't you bothered about our safety?" at this point brother, usually the polite respectful one, told her to lock her door if she was scared. bravo brother! so now there's this tension between the two and me being the delightful daughter and sister that i am have decided mother needs to get over this ridiculousness. y'all remember raven? i have decided to invite her over along with her mum, sister and baby for a meal. i've met her family. they're fun and seem like nice people so i went ahead and did a sort of pre invite, basically letting them know that i would be inviting them over shortly but now that i'm thinking about it i feel like i might have rushed into it a little. see raven is not the issue. it's her mum i'm worried about. she is known to show lots of boobage and you know how easily desi people are scandalized. they will cover their mouths in shock and shake their heads. i have been advised by bikerdude to wrap her in a shawl the minute she walks in the door and tell her it is some type of welcoming the guest tradition and i might seriously consider doing this.

the other thing is her mum is always talking about some hot man she just met. the other day she was telling me about these two indian guys she dated back in the day. i was like two indian guys? that's more than me! also with the baby being there mother might want to know where the baby daddy is and where her sister works. the answer to those two questions is 'somewhere around' and 'no where at the moment' respectively. you see what i'm saying? i don't want to invite this family over and just reinforce the stereotype mother is used to seeing on tv. ugh it's so complicated. i don't know what to do but mother has got to learn. i will figure this out and keep you guys posted.

p.s. if this goes well i'm going to invite gaybour over along with his "roommate" because that's another thing mother needs to get over. and brother too. like a lot of indian men he's homophobic and we need to cure that pronto. there's no knowing when gaysin will decide to out himself. look at me! tackling one social issue at a time. now hand me my nobel prize.

who do i have to marry to get my own televison channel?

as your tv watching favourite blogger i feel like now would be a good time to tell you what shows you need to be watching this summer because i realize summer tv choices aren't as choicy. it's true, the networks give us b grade crap to watch between the months of april and september. i don't get it. just because it's nice out do they assume we're all going to simultaneously jump off of our couches and head to the park? anyway there is no need to worry. i am here to help. and at absolutely no cost. all i ask is you give disco and obama your blessing.

alright starting off with this weekend, miss universe is on sunday night in the us and at some unearthly hour in india and in vietnam where it is being held. i recommend you watch it. last year was bloody brilliant. this time round we have a miss india who doesn't really look indian. i'd believe you if you told me she was latina or some type of middle eastern/european blend. she alright though. did well in a couple of preliminary rounds. my three step plan for her to take the title is as follows.

1. keep the hair down. let me clear up this misconception people seem to have about the air hostess bun. it is not a good luck charm for miss india. seriously. the stretched forehead look went out in the mid nineties. along with the white gloves.

2. go easy on the drag queen make up.

3. try not to fall on your ass. if at any time you find yourself falling reach out for miss usa. that bitch looks strong. plus everyone's so sure she's going to win this year and we don't like it when everyone's right. that and we'd really like to see a well coordinated group fall.

for detailed analysis go here. [warning: these guys are REALLY into it.]

next if you like funny people you need to be watching last comic standing. however i recommend you only watch the last 30 minutes of every show. this is the time they have so kindly allotted for joke telling. the first ninety minutes are mostly fillers. their most favourite filler is "coming up after the break". it's like why don't you just take the damn break and come back instead of this pre break post break sneak peak. that and they love wasting time with the whole secret voting thing after which they will show everyone, including the contestants, the tapes they have just recorded. it makes absolutely no sense. then there's the bitching and the i'm funnier than you type arguments. today they even wasted 10 minutes getting to the damn voting area. the drive there, their reactions on the chosen location, the comics taking their seats, papa cj apologizing to some chick because he just voted for her. gahhhhh! he's totally getting on my nerves. damn it i wish that varghese boy had made it instead.

now if like me you prefer more jokes per minute watch kathy griffin instead. her show is on thursdays. last comic standing is on at the same time but bravo has this weird thing they do where they'll show you a show and then repeat it like right away, so it's cool, you can watch both shows. also kathy's assistants are super fun. one of the girls has by the far the most infectious laugh on cable tv. [anyone watch the episode where the entire team flies to ireland with her dad's ashes and end up at his favourite pub where along with the locals they drink in his memory. sniff. it was so sweet. now all of a sudden i feel like breaking into "talli... mein talli.... mein talli ho gayi..." how awesome is that song? and mallika sherawat looks normal. sweet even.

anyway not to forget the biggest summer show on tv - the olympics!

bwahahahahaha. of course i was kidding. who wants to watch a bunch of sweaty people in spandex who constantly look like they're in great pain. instead i would suggest you watch spandex free project runway. it starts in 6 days. woo hoo!

as i type this brother is playing eye of the tiger on his guitar. i am very disturbed.

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

hump day stories

i just found out this lame ass woman won a bunch of money in our inter office photo contest. the winning picture is of her 5 year old eating watermelon. the kid isnt particularly good looking or anything, plus you can totally tell she's fake posing. i feel robbed even though i never entered the stupid contest.

in other news this incredibly happy man with giant manboobs just said to me "i had an easy subtraction error this morning so obviously im all like woo hoooo." i have no idea what the fool was talking about and i was definitely not going to ask so i made my half second laughing noise and he left. yeah. super weird.

you take care now blaudience while i get back to my fascinating life where i sit around dreaming about my upcoming vacation. 2 weeks to go bitch. woo hoo!

also my comic discovery of the month from this season's last comic standing [and no it's not papa cj the token desi on the show who might be funny if he would quit singing all of his jokes] is this fool - paul foot. youtube him.

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

i see orange people

american women have been wearing makeup for years now [and by makeup i mean full makeup] so they think they know what they're doing. the current most popular look for a modern woman is the clean 'no makeup' look which is fine except on the way to looking not made up they end up looking biracial. let me explain. after the liquid foundation/mineral makeup powder has been set and the evening of the skin tone has taken place there is this natural bronzing step that follows. you are told to apply the bronzer where the sun naturally hits your cheek. apparently there's this one part of the cheek that the sun is supposed to hit but turns out the sun doesn't know shit and so you must do its job for it. once your cheek has been bronzed it must be blushed. that way it looks like you just tasted your desi colleague's thenginkaayi chutney while simultaneously spotting your office crush. tres natural. other ways to attain this look - calling your desi colleague 'appu'. this method works best. the redness will stay all day.

moving on to the next step, and to the most important part of the face - the eyes. more specifically the brightening of the eyes. look up eye brighteners - they're all the rage. so basically some type of eye brightener is applied along with a shiny white powder in the area surrounding the eyes. this is to make your eyes pop. [other ways to make your eyes pop - matching your necklace to your eye colour, colouring your hair red, using blue eyeliner thereby making the whitepart of your eyes whiter. yes i watch lots of makeover type shows] this will leave you with a slightly pale complexion on 50% of your face. about 20% of your face will be naturally orange and for upto 3 inches below the eyes you're rocking the albino look. wonderful. you now look wide awake. the mascara in your eyelashes whilst making your eyes appear super big also make you look slightly hillary clinton-esque. but we're not done yet because no modern woman's look is complete without the lip gloss. matte lipstick is so your mother. and her mother. not you. your lips must stay shiny all day. and we're not just talking a little shiny. your lips must act as natural mirrors reflecting the sun's rays. see this is how you get it to bounce off onto your cheekbones. the thing about super shiny lip gloss - 1. you look like a natural bimbo without even opening your mouth. and 2. there's this strange unexplained correlation between super shiny lips and a permanent pout.

for perfect examples of this type of makeup see your local newscaster. also the people from e news. but they're from la and everyone's that shade of orange there so they're cool.

p.s. while our american counterparts are trying to replicate all the colours of the rainbow on their face we in india are only trying to get to one shade - white. nonsense rubbish.

never mind. i just saw the new priyanka chopra ad where you can pick what shade of white you want to be. pale white or pinkish white.

picture courtesy bikerdodanna.

Sunday, July 06, 2008

and now for some completely useless trivia....

that new kid from jaane tu ya jaane na [the one you're too embarrassed to admit you have a crush on] is going out with this chick [i know this because i look at what people wear to red carpet premieres] who i spotted in an ill fitting blue shiny number holding hands with our hero for no apparent reason. i then reached deep into the television archives of my brain, way back to the nineties for sony entertainment television programming and voila i recognized said girl. she used to be on that show 'just mohabbat'. raise your hand if you had a crush on jai. anyway now that i've watched the movie and fallen in love with it [any movie starring best friends who fall in love has my vote especially if boy best friend has bushy eyebrows] i realized that jai and aditi the central characters in this movie happen to share names with the central characters on just mohabbat.

that's all i've got.

p.s. is there a way i could possibly make some money from all of this knowledge accumulated in my brain from all these years of tv viewing. it will come in handy some day no?

p.p.s. the loner brother in jaane tu ya jaane na [one of my favourite characters in the movie] is supposedly raj babbar's son. more importantly smita patil's son. we like muchly.

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

raven from work has a bit of a situation. she is looking for a good stylist who can cut and perm her hair, only she doesn’t know how to ask said person over the phone if they cut black peoples' hair. now this is an important question to ask because nobody wants someone experimenting on their hair but i get how it might be slightly awkward to bring it up. that and raven is shy. but more importantly raven doesn’t talk black. in fact raven has often been described as the whitest black girl you will ever meet. this doesn’t mean raven talks white. raven is just raven. she has what you would call an indeterminate accent and for the seven months or so that i have known her she has only spoken in one tone. one very very low tone. even her laughter tends to be in the same tone which has lead to much horror for virgin listeners.

anyway me being the wonderfully helpful co worker that i am, offered a creative solution to her problem.

"look it's really simple. you just want to convey to the other person that you're black, that way they can tell you if they're qualified to do a good job with your hair or not. so all you have to do is call and be like hey girrrrrrrrrrrrrl! wasssup? this is shaneequa and i was just calling to axe you if you could cut my hair."

i also suggested she play hip hop music in the background.

she decided my recommendation although hysterical [she made me do my fake black accent for the rest of the office] was highly useless and so she called her mother instead. her mum told her to just directly ask if they did african american hair. she also added "but girl, if you hear an asian accent at the other end of the phone you better hang the eff up."

this morning raven was all happy because she had managed to get herself an appointment.

me: ooh how did you do it?

raven: oh my mum called the lady for me.

me: really? so how did she ask her?

raven: oh. she's already black.

me: okay then. i guess that solves that.

raven: oh and the place is called ‘baby girl’s hottest styles’.

me: bwahahahaha. i wouldn’t worry about it then.