Friday, July 11, 2008

who do i have to marry to get my own televison channel?

as your tv watching favourite blogger i feel like now would be a good time to tell you what shows you need to be watching this summer because i realize summer tv choices aren't as choicy. it's true, the networks give us b grade crap to watch between the months of april and september. i don't get it. just because it's nice out do they assume we're all going to simultaneously jump off of our couches and head to the park? anyway there is no need to worry. i am here to help. and at absolutely no cost. all i ask is you give disco and obama your blessing.

alright starting off with this weekend, miss universe is on sunday night in the us and at some unearthly hour in india and in vietnam where it is being held. i recommend you watch it. last year was bloody brilliant. this time round we have a miss india who doesn't really look indian. i'd believe you if you told me she was latina or some type of middle eastern/european blend. she alright though. did well in a couple of preliminary rounds. my three step plan for her to take the title is as follows.

1. keep the hair down. let me clear up this misconception people seem to have about the air hostess bun. it is not a good luck charm for miss india. seriously. the stretched forehead look went out in the mid nineties. along with the white gloves.

2. go easy on the drag queen make up.

3. try not to fall on your ass. if at any time you find yourself falling reach out for miss usa. that bitch looks strong. plus everyone's so sure she's going to win this year and we don't like it when everyone's right. that and we'd really like to see a well coordinated group fall.

for detailed analysis go here. [warning: these guys are REALLY into it.]

next if you like funny people you need to be watching last comic standing. however i recommend you only watch the last 30 minutes of every show. this is the time they have so kindly allotted for joke telling. the first ninety minutes are mostly fillers. their most favourite filler is "coming up after the break". it's like why don't you just take the damn break and come back instead of this pre break post break sneak peak. that and they love wasting time with the whole secret voting thing after which they will show everyone, including the contestants, the tapes they have just recorded. it makes absolutely no sense. then there's the bitching and the i'm funnier than you type arguments. today they even wasted 10 minutes getting to the damn voting area. the drive there, their reactions on the chosen location, the comics taking their seats, papa cj apologizing to some chick because he just voted for her. gahhhhh! he's totally getting on my nerves. damn it i wish that varghese boy had made it instead.

now if like me you prefer more jokes per minute watch kathy griffin instead. her show is on thursdays. last comic standing is on at the same time but bravo has this weird thing they do where they'll show you a show and then repeat it like right away, so it's cool, you can watch both shows. also kathy's assistants are super fun. one of the girls has by the far the most infectious laugh on cable tv. [anyone watch the episode where the entire team flies to ireland with her dad's ashes and end up at his favourite pub where along with the locals they drink in his memory. sniff. it was so sweet. now all of a sudden i feel like breaking into "talli... mein talli.... mein talli ho gayi..." how awesome is that song? and mallika sherawat looks normal. sweet even.

anyway not to forget the biggest summer show on tv - the olympics!

bwahahahahaha. of course i was kidding. who wants to watch a bunch of sweaty people in spandex who constantly look like they're in great pain. instead i would suggest you watch spandex free project runway. it starts in 6 days. woo hoo!

as i type this brother is playing eye of the tiger on his guitar. i am very disturbed.


Simran said...

Dear "Pri"

Thank you for your valued suggestions. Being super poised people, we are not in the habit of falling on what you quaintly call our 'ass' and while our eye make-up might make us look like members of a cross-dressing concert, the rest of us look quite smashing, even though our face basically sucks.

About the hair ofcourse, the suggestion is well taken. Exposing too much of our forehead might reveal that we lack a fully functional brain. This has not proved a disadvantage to previous World Misses, but why take a chance.


manu said...

you might be the only girl I will ever meet (erm, read) who thinks "talli ho gayi" is an awesome song..

that alone has won you my readership yo!

nice blog!