meet the new crazies

apparently i'm now approachable. and seem the listening kind.

when the fuck did that happen?

i have had to listen to the boring details of so many people's lives today it's not even funny. also i've noticed old women really seem to like me. this ninety year old woman today liked my blouse so much she insisted i give her directions to the store i bought it at. ninety! or something very close to Dada's second innings score.

***

we're doing secret santa at the office and i need to find something fun to get for this incredibly boring girl with a disturbingly deep voice, that's under twenty bucks. you know i think it's high time i introduced y'all to the office. the new office. i hated it at first. but it's gotten better. a lot better. especially since the old manager was transferred and this other bitch i couldn't stand left. the new manager is cool. very approachable. very smart. terrible dresser. i mean suits don't have to look like that! especially skirt suits.

then there's R who everyone thinks is incredibly hot. i am still undecided on this matter. mostly because i recently found out R has a child. and that makes him old, thereby eliminating his hotness.

then there's A who could also learn a thing or two about fashion. she loves her taper fit gray pants this one. also vpl's galore. but she's one of those people you can't not like. very helpful. apparently also one of those people who can't say no. like today for example she spent her entire lunch hour doing her daughter's homework assignment. the assignment was to come up with one animal for every letter in the english alphabet and then write ten things about it.

can you believe the things they make little children do?

i couldn't tell you ten things about disco if i tried. and he's my pet. in fact he's been my pet for the past seven lives. his. not mine.

then there's D who can be lots of fun but who says the most inappropriate things. all the time. and i normally enjoy inappropriate banter. just not when it involves such intimate details about someone's sex life. or bowel movements.

then there's K whose son i mistook for her daughter. this was back when i was new. i thought she would hate me forever. then i realised that wasn't possible. not with me anyway. K is pregnant. enough said.
no no i kid. she's actually quite hysterical. likes to tell everyone exactly what she's thinking. at the moment she's thinking it, making it very entertaining for me. is also very aware of my caffeine levels during the day. which is a good thing.

then there's M. clearly insane. obsessed for some reason with baby goats. and by obsessed i mean the boy will sing baby goat songs all day. baby goat songs that go like this "and a baby goat...and a baby goat.............and a baby goat...and a baby goat", will send email mentioning baby goats, even wrote down 'baby goat' on his secret santa wish list! allegedly engaged. to a girl. we think he might be bi curious. says fabulous a lot. always notices what shoes who's wearing. will complement said person on their shoes. will sing and dance on key. does his eyebrows. i told him i'd introduce him to gay cousin who doesn't know he's gay yet. but he just shook his head and said something about a baby goat.

then there's R who recently had a baby. you wouldn't believe it if you saw her. super skinny this one. what would make you believe it though are her boobs. ridiculously huge. apparently she's still breast feeding. she's told us. repeatedly. this is the same one with the scary voice. the tone of her voice never changes. ever. even when she laughs. its fascinating. also very creepy.

So there. the new office.

oh and by the way everyone thinks i'm very proper. whatever that means!

Apparently it's everyone's huttida habba today.

SO,

Happy Birthday in no particular order TO:

Rajinikanth
Yuvraj Singh
My ex friend's [wahat the bitch wont talk to me] ex boyfriend R
My ex friend's ex boyfriend R's dad
My baby cousin [she's probably a teen now] who dresses like a hooker thanks to mommy dearest with no taste.
The future Yuvraj Singh jr aka Yamraj Singh [it's all about the timing Soupie. Plus if R's dad can do it so can you]

flaffy's blog

p.s I asked for links bitches! Email me.

Also raise your hand if you're over disco.

You know how on orkut they have this annoying feature that tells you who updated what on their profile. Anyway this weekend two people i know updated the languages they speak. I was very impressed. Clearly they had taken the time to learn a new language and that's impressive which is why i was sort of disappointed and a little puzzled to find out that this new language was in fact English! I find it hard to believe these two didn't already know English. I mean we went to the same school.

One girl i even scrapped saying "Congratulations i see you have learned a new language" but sadly I didn't get a reply. Maybe she's still working on the reading part eh?

Also if y'all come across any deep tragic clichéd posts in propah English about Indians or India in general please email me the links. Thanks muchly. Happy Monday y'all.

Oh and we're doing moo meetha in celebration of Dada's double hundred.

So my Dada scores his first double hundred at my Chinnaswamy stadium and i'm not there with the 'Bangalore loves you Dada' posters to cheer him on.

There's days you miss home and there's days you miss home.

clearly we're in the mood to talk. clearly we're in the mood to use 'clearly' a lot.

in an attempt to ruin your appetite, i just saw my mother eat her dosa with maple syrup. she has also been known to eat poori with kesaribath instead of pallya. why tell?

in family news, my brother may be here in as little as two weeks. we will have to move. again. and to be very honest i'm not as delighted about this news as i should be. it's one more person to live with. i can barely handle my mother. to co exist peacefully with two whole members of the same crazy family. eesh. i SO need to move out. who wants me? i'd be a great roommate. i wont talk unless i have to. i will order pizza a lot. and i'll share. i wont share a toilet. i make great coffee. i wont share the tv or the laptop. i need the a/c when it's hot and the heat when its cold. i wont compromise on either just because the electricity bill is high. so. who wants me?

and omg mother will not stop discussing the various stages of the interview process and the flight details with whoever is willing to listen. or is too frightened to not listen. and when she's talking to my brother in india she yells like its fucking uranus or something. she is drowning out the tv. help! i am missing key dialogues from tonight's 30 rock episode. by the by what an incredibly hysterical episode. watch it legally on nbc.com if you're in the us and have an internet connection that's not dial up. or if you're in india you may contact rbr - illegal video downloading genius or this dude. i dont know where he watches it or how but he watches it. but i digress. there will be some positives too. like mother might possibly divide up her talking time between the two of us. that would be totally okay with me. also this time when we move i can make sure we get an apartment that's facing the right way. so i can get directv again. and life will be complete.

***

stat counter tells me someone just googled 'when old tulsi will come back'.
can you believe such people exist? i mean clearly this person has access to the internet. the wonderful genius internet. but instead of using it to shop or view porn like normal people this fool wants to know when the old tulsi will be back. what is wrong with you?

***

did y'all read your urban dictionary word of the day today? no? here i did it for you.

Like a non-sequitur, a pre-sequitur doesn't follow what immediately preceded it, but instead relates to something that came much earlier. It is a sudden or jarring break in the chronology, but it does follow... when you remember what it refers to.
Jen: Why did you leave Los Angeles?
Keith: Well... have you ever lived there?
Jen: I visited once, for a week. I liked the street performers on the boardwalk...
Keith: Oh, the boardwalk is where I got this red scarf!
Jen: I was trying to knit a scarf just like that last year but I never finished.
Keith: Where do you get yarn around here?
Jen: There's a good store just a few blocks from here, wanna come see?

... ten minutes later ...

Jen: Huh, do you smell Indian food?
Keith: Hmm, not really... but now I'm in the mood to get some Indian Food.
Jen: Sure, let's!
Keith: It was the pollution, that's why.
Jen: pollution?
Keith: Yeah, I wanted somewhere with real air, and LA wasn't it!
Jen: Oh, why you left Los Angeles

i love conversations like these by the way. i have them in my head all the time. sometimes i want to write them down so i can read and you can read but they go away too fast.

***

today i was having lunch at this chinese restaurant and this annoying man would not shut the eff up. first he was on his cell phone. talking gibberish. really loud. then he pretends not to hear the waitress. then he pretends he doesn't understand her accent. tell me how many different things can this possibly mean? "i bling your shup foh yoo now" the asshole made her repeat herself like five times. and it wasn't that he couldn't understand. he was just being an ass. one of those 'how dare you live in the united states when you cant speak the type of english i call enlish' types. fool! also later when i got my soup it kinda smelled like the toilet. yeah. it came free with the kung pao chicken so i didnt care. i put my spoon in it so the kitchen staff wouldn't be offended. dude you never know. people do crazy things. and especially at chinese restaurants. it is so hard to find a cheery waitress. they're alway very matter of fact and busy. even if there are like three people in the entire restaurant. and today this lady was actually being friendly. until the fool pissed her off. what she should have said was 'no shup foh you. bitch.' to him. not me. i'm lovely. unless they put ice in my water. or the peanuts are stale. then i wont like it. of course they will never know this because i will never tell them. i hate to return stuff. also i'm kinda scared they may throw my starving self out.

***

is it possible to be IN LOVE with a shirt? to be devastated to find out it only comes in 3 colours. i recently ordered the pink and the green and now i want the orangish brown one too. the thing with ordering clothes online is you never know how they will fit but this one seemed fairly fittable on anyone so i took the chance and i am in love. they're perfect.

you me and ice box

there are random days you remember suddenly, for absolutely no reason. this was one such day.

lets see. there was you and me and my new car 'ice box' - my birthday present from daddy. 'ice box' because mani the drunk watchman would wash the car without fail every morning but never feel the need to wipe it. so it just sat there. all cold and drippy. it always felt like an ice box when i got in it, on my way to 7 am law class, where i'd sit as far back as possible and fall asleep until attendance time or break time, whichever came first.

that day there was no class. that day it was just you and me and ice box. the plan was to drive to the ends of the earth bangalore to eat at this one restaurant. but here's the weird thing. i cant remember us eating that day. do you? i mean we had to have eaten. you and me don't ever not eat. but all i remember is us driving. i yelled when you pretended to drive off the road. i yelled when you did things you're not supposed to do to the driver when they're driving. we stopped for elneeru. i don't even like elneeru. then you insisted on going to see these airplanes. i didn't want to see no airplanes. but you really really wanted to go and since we had nothing else to do we went. inside we watched this movie. about airplanes and you explained stuff to me. i thought it was really cute that you were so into these planes. you got really excited everytime i showed a little bit of enthusiasm. i'm sure for the most part i rolled my eyes and grumbled. especially if we hadn't eaten. why cant i remember? i don't know why this is so important. but it is. i mean wasn't that the whole idea? anyway after airplanes we drove some more. to this lame outlet store type place where we found absolutely nothing interesting. i think we went there just cause it involved driving. then we drove back. what an absolutely boring day!

i wish we could do it again. i miss you so much fool.

i promise if we ever do it again ill make sure we stop for food. but we're gonna have to get another car. ice box is no more.

why i'll never win best neice. and stuff you need to be watching.

so im watching the kathy griffin show on bravo and right then my aunties decide they want to come sit down on the couch with me. now i happen to love kathy but oh my god does she loves to curse! so im sitting there trying to decide if i should attempt to change the channel but i realise that would look totally suspicious so i keep watching. then she repeats her entire emmy speech. with all the jesus jokes. and you cant not laugh at jesus jokes. now all my aunties hate me. that and earlier today i set the smoke alarms off by burning the chapathi pan which turned out to be an aapam pan. i didn't even know we had one of those. and apparently the chapathis weren't supposed to have been defrosted so they stuck to the pan forming this black part goeey - part crunchy mess. i'm such a disappointing niece. and who can compete with gaysin? the fool cooks and cleans and decorates. all the aunties love him. all i'm good at is picking restaurants and "helping" people shop.

oh by the way remember srilankan dude from thanksgiving dinner? yes the same one mother introduced me to four times that same night? well she finally confessed to having an ulterior motive. i told her i knew all along. that subtlety has never been one of her strengths. she seemed so shocked that i wasn't shocked by this big revelation. mothers!!!

i just realised you cant see disco's entire home on internet explorer. there's nothing i can do about it. you shouldn't still be using internet explorer anyway.

i liked aaja nachle. i recommend watching it. maybe i'm just too easy to please.

don't forget to watch comedy central's last laugh '07 tonight at 9 central. lewis black's performing. that's reason enough to watch.
also notes from the underbelly is back. mondays at 8:30 or 9. i'm not sure.

also do check out this fun fashion blog. sort of like fashion police for bollywood.

p.s now taking suggestions for future disco nomenclature.

things i discover for you. be appreciative betch.

dancing with the "stars" is finally over! it's safe to switch your TVs back on.
abc, can we have boston legal back now?

yay the writers are done striking.

shopping with your mother's sister can be way more fun than shopping with your mother.

i wouldn't recommend buying marie claire magazine this month, not unless you want to see naked pregnant women. and jeez what was wrong with page 55 or something? or even better a damn pregnancy magazine???

who's buying me what for Christmas?

there's a silk mustard mossimo skirt at target for $19.99. you'd be a fool not to get it. however if you do, do not plan on wearing it to my work tomorrow. that would not be cool.

i know i said a lot of horrible things about saawariya the movie but the album is one of the best this year. i'm assuming you liked devdas.

everybody move to houston for the winter. it's perfect.

remember that cork that was stuck in the cork screw from like two months ago? yes the same one i asked you fools to help me with. the same one i got absolutely no help for. useless fucks! anyway it has finally been unscrewed. thanks gay cousin who doesn't know he's gay yet's older brother who doesn't think it's the least bit weird to talk dirty to his wife on the phone in front of his aunties. gross! just because they pretend not to hear you doesn't mean they cant. except for the one with the hearing aid. okay i'm going straight to hell.

please vayyt. you are in the queque.

you like ze green? disco likes ze green. damn it disco is ze green.

this is why one must never agree to go watch a movie gaysin has recommended.

i have just spent the last two hours watching the most annoyingly optimistic orphan child try to locate his missing parents through the power of music. the little shit claims to hear his imaginary parents' voices which along with other wonderfully melodious worldly noises eventually help him become a famous musician [like for an hour] thereby bringing together an entire town and his parents after eleven long tragic years.

one night on a roof top eleven years ago annoyingly optimistic orphan child's parents fell madly in love after hearing robin williams dressed for some reason like amitabh bachchan in jhoom barabar jhoom play the guitar while roaming the streets with other hobos and they proceeded to have this deep fascinating conversation.

baby mozart's daddy: "so, what is your story?"
baby mozart's mommy: "i don't know. i'm.............. just me"

after this soul stirring dialogue and some staring at the moon, the two kiss and voila the girl is now sperminated with musical genius fetus, only the two never see each other again because of the girl's evil scheming father. so it's now up to baby mozart to bring them all together........through the power of music. gahhhhhhhhhh!

baby mozart decides to escape from his orphanage sadly leaving behind his favourite spooky wind chimes only to meet yet another 12 yr old wannabe musician who befriends him in exchange for a pizza. turns out his new friend works for robin williams who gasp is the evil villain. baby mozart has to escape one more time. this time he meets little girl squeal-a-lot who introduces him to a priest who decides baby mozart needs to be in music school, where after a single listening they decide to let him perform in front of thousands of people and this is where the little shit meets his parents, not without lots of crying and drama and slb style running and orchestra music of course. gahhhhhhhhhh!

of course gaysin enjoyed the movie tremendously and recommended my mother and aunt see it at once!

and to think i could've been watching this movie instead which i'm still planning to watch by the by. i'm sure i'll live to regret it but we're destined to meet, this movie and i, just like baby mozart and his parents.

p.s i have a terrible feeling this movie is going to be remade in hindi. please god, don't let it happen.

things i learn from watching late night infomercials

if you paint your hand with foundation until it is sufficiently orange and then dunk it in a fish bowl the water will soon turn a light orange and your hand will return to its normal colour. however if you powder your hand with bare mineral foundation until it is sufficiently orange and then dunk it in a fish bowl the water stays clear and your hand stays orange. also you will stay very cheery and then something happens to your neck where you cant stop nodding and your eyes get very wide and then more nodding takes place. also your teeth magically whiten almost immediately.

just thought y'all might want to know.

in which my family annoys and entertains me

it is officially cold which is perfect because the sweaters i ordered just arrived. i got to wear one this evening to watch 'khuda ke liye'. i dont blame you if you've never heard of it. it's a pakistani movie. mother refused to watch goal. she claimed i had mentioned it had gotten bad reviews [note to self - idiot!] plus she really wanted to see the movie with naseeruddin shah in it [the man makes a five minute guest appearance towards the end!] and sure the movie wasn't terrible but there was no dhandhanaadhan in it. i wanted filmy damn it! gay cousin who doesn't know he's gay yet stared at a poster of srk's abs with a sad look on his face. i told him id go watch it with him again if he wanted. then mother embarrassed everyone by making a scene at the food stand because they had run out of samosas. you'd think the woman was forced to eat popcorn. i mean there were chicken rolls and chaat and pakoras and chai. sometime i think she forgets we're not in india. it doesn't help of course when we're surrounded by people in shiny outfits. what is with desi people wanting to wear mirror work chiffon salwars in the winter? and what is with gay cousin who doesn't know he's gay yet referring to it as 'full jaam jaam'?

my aunt is visiting us for thanksgiving. and the rest of the week apparently! anyway she is the psychiatrist in the family so you cant really have a normal conversation with her. she's always analyzing you and she does a terrible job of hiding it. earlier this afternoon around oneish i stumbled out of my room to get some coffee only to find her, mother and gay cousin who doesn't know he's gay yet in the middle of a very detailed analysis on the life of my uncle's wife whom they all hate very much. that poor poor lady! i see nothing wrong with her. she wears pretty sarees and she always brings chocolate. however not wanting to ruin the holiday spirit i joined them at once! a conversation with my mum and her sisters is never dull. plus with psychiatrist lady in the mix and gay cousin who doesn't know he's gay yet interrupting every five minutes to ask another totally inappropriate question it was ridiculously entertaining. see now this is the kind of filmy i like.

p.s blogger tells me my last post was my 250th. for someone with no social life i sure find a lot to talk about. maybe this is why i have no social life. how's everyone else's weekend going?

gay cousin who doesn't know he's gay yet - thanksgiving edition

gay cousin who doesn't know he's gay yet recently moved house. part of the reason apparently was his want to decorate said house. he did a decent job. but just because three people told him that, he now wants to go to school to be an interior designer. he's not THAT good. i dont know how to tell him.

other things i dont know how to tell him:

he rolls his eyes way too much. it makes me dizzy.

he has got to buy longer shorts.

THAT blue is not his colour. THAT blue is no one's colour.

i dont think that srilankan dude is into him. in fact i doubt he's even gay. no gay boy could possibly wear those pants. the thing had pleats.

talking about the srilankan dude, mother introduced me to him four times. it was embarrassing. for everyone.

gay cousin who doesn't know he's gay yet cooked the thanksgiving meal today. all by himself too. it was decent. the chicken was bland but at least he didn't try to make turkey. desi people cant cook turkey. i hate it when they try. by the by the other day we had turkey at the office thanksgiving potluck. it was horrideous. so was the sweet potato thing. and the corn bread. i ate bread butter and carrot cake. yes, a vegetable cake was the highlight of the meal for me. white people cant cook. it's so sad.

back to gay cousin who doesn't know he's gay yet. he wants to go watch a hindi movie this weekend. i told him his options. his eyes lit up when i said john abraham. so we're probably going to go watch dhandhanaadhan goal. speaking of which how much fun is that song?

note to self: one more day of work and then three days off! i can do this. deep breath.

now little children. lettuce listen to the wind as we reach for the rainbow. lettuce smell the grass. oh you're too young for that? never mind then.

this was the final question at the recently held miss earth pageant where miss india came in second in spite of wearing this hideous outfit which looked like something beyonce threw up. do i make you proud perezhilton?

how would you explain the beauty of mother earth to a blind child?

how can you not love this question? it's so pageanty, yet so earthy. and it even mentions a blind child.

this was miss canada's winning answer:

"i would say that the beauty of mother nature smells as sweet as the sweetest rose. that the beauty of mother nature feels as soft as the softest leaf. and that the beauty of mother nature sings like the birds in the trees."

so much BS. so much fun! which is why i want to hear your own over the top ridiculous super lame answer to the above question.

p.s don't forget to thank the judges for the opportunity. you may also stall for time by using a translator.

from me, with love...

dear nbc,

i appreciate your thoughtfulness in providing your viewers free online episodes. however each time there's a commercial the screen goes back to its regular size which means i have to manually click the full screen button, which means i have to stretch. now i have nothing against stretching but really when i'm relaxing on my couch i don't want to have to unnecessarily elongate my body and since there is no such thing as a laptop remote [or is there?] i highly recommend that you fix this minor technical difficulty so we can all go back to uninterrupted 30 rock streaming.

dear anil kumble,

congratulations! i know this is a strange time to have made you captain and i know you weren't first or second choice and i know not everyones thrilled with this decision but i know you'll give it everything you've got and i want to wish you all the best.

dear cd thief,

the windows are down bitch! and it's raining!!!

dear mummy,

i realise your sister is coming to visit and i realise your need to clean the house obsessively but I've watched you all day and i know for a fact that you have vacuumed and dusted every single spot in the house and it's all pretty and shiny now so you can stop. really. please. the noise from all the vacuuming is giving me a migraine. and i don't even get migraines.

dear bandolino,

thank you for doing what you do. i think i might be in love with you.

dear soupie,

i had to find out from kb about your little french trip. i am outraged!

dear kb,

have i told you how pretty and talented you are? how soon can you make me that pink kurta?

dear disco, disco 2 and disco shanti [um this may not apply to you right now but it will tomorrow]

i'm sorry you all had to die so tragically but it is in the nature of fish to die after three earth days. know that you are missed. know that you are irreplaceable. um ignore that last part. just know that you are missed.

to the person who stole the cd's from my car

dear sir/madam/crazy,

i realise i probably shouldn't have left the windows down but you know it's hot as fuck here and just because the windows are down doesn't mean you can take people's stuff. and here's what i dont get. there were two boxes. why did you steal only one? is red your favourite colour?

look i get that maybe you were curious. maybe you figured we might have similar taste in music. but once you discovered that most of the cds were in languages completely alien to you why did you still hold on to them? and if you happened to enjoy the music why didnt you leave me a note saying "thank you, because of you i have now discovered this new wonderful genre of music and i'd now like to return the box of cds i STOLE from your car in exchange for other ones you might possibly have" i wouldve been delighted to share them with you. but no you kept them or even worse you threw them away!

they're irreplaceable those cds. okay they're not irreplacable but it would be very VERY inconvenient for me to find them all over again. there were some i had ordered online that took months to arrive. there were some i had to beg the guy at my local indian store to find and ship for me. there were some that my daddy mailed to me. there were some i had bought on my last trip home. the kind man on commercial street had to call all his friends/dealers to locate certain cds for me.

look, you can still return them. my car's always parked in the same spot. please, give it back. my music means a lot to me. plus it's the holiday season. the time of giving. maybe this can be your present to me.

p.s would it help if i left my windows down again? ever since you stole my cds i have been forced to roll up my windows and lock my door but i can leave it open for you if you want. okay? okay.

a blue film

my what pretty cursive writing! and look everything's blue and green and sparkly. awwww what a cute old lady. ha this boy is so weird looking but he's kinda growing on me. its not like he has much competition. so far he's the only speaking character in the movie. ooh look a hooker. ooh look more hookers. ooh look a hooker group dance. and they're all colour coordinated too. is that a blue pothole? oh i get it! the potholes are kinda like the palette in this giant painting of a movie. very cool slb. very cool.

damn that girl has long hair. who does she look like? juhi chawala with a sharper nose? at least she doesn't have an annoying voice. oh hello no! girl who taught you to laugh like that? that was a bit scary. wait why are you suddenly in love with your house tenant dude? he obviously hasn't showered in days and is that surma he's wearing? plus from the two lines he's spoken it sounds like he might be a terrorist. oh you don't know why you're in love. you just are. right. and you're going to wait for him? i see. on the bridge? every night. for an entire year. in the rain and in the snow. all dressed up. how sweet!!! what is it that you do again? oh you weave carpets! excellent.

ha that scene was so chand chupa. and your grandmother is blind like in black? wait was that naked ass i just saw? but but i thought that scene was going to be censored. hmmm. oh look he just said a line from one of his dad's films. awww. right. more blue. so very pretty. i'm sure there's a point to all of this. i'm really very sure. ha old lady is funny. did she just say bitch? oh what a beautiful song. ooh another one. and eight more. right. um why is the flasher in love with Rapunzel again? and why is the hooker in love with him? what city are we win? what century? awww everyone's matching the scenery again.

oh no terrorist man is back. you have to say goodbye to rapunzel. do it quick. yes she knows you can hop skip and jump. you showed her remember? okay last jig. let her go already! okay now rapunzel. run. come on. yes what do you think the intense music is for? run rapunzel/paro run. run with your long skirt down the staircase. no! no don't cry. i said run. its whats his face. he came back to take you to neverland. bitch move! okay. thank you. yes yes her answer is yes fool! she's all dressed up and weeping in the middle of the damn bridge just like she said she would. of course she's coming with you. tight hug. cut to sad puppy dog face of flasher.

a film by sanjay leela bhansali.

Om Shanti Om

i LOVE this movie. LOVE IT! its crazy and colourful and so much fun. and filmy. crazy filmy. LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT.

dude that akshay kumar scene is brilliant!!

and i dont know how they did this but the subtitles for all the lyrics rhymed. i didn't notice this until my mum pointed it out. every song translated into english word for word just happend to rhyme. and deepika isnt a terrible actress! thank god. and the big star song. so much fun. kajol got the loudest cheer until salman khan showed up. the theater went crazy. and that shilpa shetty's body has got to be named one of the seven wonders of the world. it's ridiculous!

earlier today when i told mother we were gonna go watch a movie she was like "who's in it?" and i said shahrukh and deepika padukone and she goes "where have i seen her before?" which is when i normally say "oh that movie ma, remember the one you liked. with all the crying. you really liked her in it" and this usually works. i've realised if i want mother to go watch a movie with me it needs to star someone who has made her cry before. shahrukh helps too. she likes him. this time when she said "where have i seen her before?" i said "umm sports day?" cause deepika went to my school. and my college actually. i was her senior *gasp* only by a year but whatever. this is me bragging y'all that i went to the same school and college as someone famous but y'all already got that. right?

ooh and i loved the last part when the credits were rolling with all the spot boys and cameramen. and farah in the beginning and the end. and shabana azmi protesting whatever the hell she was protesting. and the fake sooraj bharjatiya. and kiron kher when she scares poor arjun rampal who is totally hot as the bad guy. you just have to pretend he doesn't have a mustache.

LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE!

a substitute diwali

if one is too tired to drive to the indian store one can always go to the store closest to one's house with an international food section. however one may have to substitute diyas with candles and the gajar ka halwa mix with a cadbury crunch. of course there's always the canned gulab jamuns but everyone knows those are gross. plus the cadbury crunch is made in india. one knows this because it was overpriced and in the indian section of the store.
also if one is unable to "burst crackers" a good option is to add some freshly washed [read wet] vegetables to a pot of hot oil. lots of sparkles. and flames and fun.

to celebrate this festive season i have a new crush. on this boy.

***

it's fall!!! we like fall. i can finally wear my sweaters. i love sweaters. who doesn't love sweaters? plus i can finally paint my nails deep red again without offending the fashion people.

***

in life's other troubles i recently ordered some cds online. yes because i still use cd technology. and they tried to deliver it and apparently it wouldn't fit in my mail box so instead they left me a post card. i hate that. now i have to go to the damn post office and god only knows where that is and attempt to collect it. but they might not have it at that time because the mailman might be out attempting to deliver it to my house again in which case he will be met at the door again by NO ONE. and this ridiculousness will continue three more times after which they will return the cds to the sender. also that hypothetical situation of me going to the post office is only that. it's hypothetical. because i work during postal hours damn it. doesn't everybody? this is so ridiculous. and why does one need a box for four cds anyway? why not just use a big envelope? something that will fit in people's mailboxes. even people's apartment mailboxes. now im thinking for future such situations i could always use the office address but i kinda hate my new job and i don't know how long ill stay with this company. plus i haven't seen anyone else receiving personal parcels at work. im sure its okay and all. its just that im the new girl. i have to behave and pretend to be all professional. so im thinking of using my neighbour's address. my contact lenses were delivered to her apartment by mistake and she delivered them promptly to my house. maybe ill just do that.

***

p.s if anyone is interested in a maine pyaar kiya trivia challenge type quiz thing then visit the comment section here. oh and i'm currently winning.

***

p.p.s is anyone interested in going to a diwali double release dhamaka event with me this weekend? one would have to dress shiny.

Results

Alright it is time to reveal the answers to the quiz. By the by you all sucked big time. Of course i appreciate those who took the time to take this lame quiz. To everyone else katti.

1. what former pet did i accidentally eat?

that would be my duck. i had made friends with it and then one day they cooked it. they being my family. apparently the whole point of bringing it home was to fatten it and eventually eat it but see no one had told me. it was my friend. sob.

2. what tv show do celebrities have to appear on in order for me to fall in love with them?

rendezvous with simi aunty. lets see, i fell in love with abhishek bachchan, ustad amjad ali khan's younger son, farhan akhtar....

3. where did i learn the gayatri mantra?

from watching kyunki saas. the sad part is i'm not kidding.

4. how many times have i been pulled over? bonus question [how many times has this lead to me getting a ticket?]

i've been pulled over only 4 times and gotten a ticket only twice. the truth is i am very very lucky to still have a driving permit. it's all about training your eye. a pro can spot a cop car miles away. a pro can make the chapstick, cellphone and cd carrier instantly disappear whilst slowing down a good twenty miles or so before the cop even notices said pro. however if you do get pulled over it is good to remain smiley and nod at appropriate moments. if the cop wants to tell you a story of his desi friend whose wonderful wedding he attended pretend to enjoy the story and giggle and clap. okay dont clap. but giggle. and nod. and smile.

5. name the only two things i can cook

karipatta chicken and pineapple souffle.

6. what do the creepy paintings in my house that occasionally switch places depict?

they're the before and after paintings of the afghan girl on the cover of national geographic magazine and last winter when i was living by myself i noticed that they would switch places with each other so naturally i was worried. wouldn't you be? oh also they like to stare.

7. a fake version of this product can be purchased in shivaji nagar under the name 'iski maaki'. what is the name of the original product?

yes yes it's issey miyake. anyone notice it smells exactly like mallige hoova? eighty bucks? you have got to be kidding! but oh look at the tall pointy bottle it comes in. must have.

8. name two people who have been guest writers on this blog.

soupie and gabby

9. pick the odd one out. and no row/column. give me a name.



that would be the one with the bloodshot eyes - the one, the only cinema taare ambarish avaru.

10. what was demanded in exchange for the boss' kidnapped stapler?

originally four, later changed to five bags of boulder potato chips. you can watch videos of how the stapler was tortured here.

11. is karen a boy or a girl or are we still undecided on this matter?

the correct answer to this would be - we are still undecided on this matter. although he is listed as a boy under the matrimonial section of usa weekly. usa of course being ullasnagar sindhi association.

12. what have i always wanted to name my gold fish? [clue: this is also partly the reason i've wanted a gold fish]

duh DISCO.

13. who said the following? "Ugh Pri, she is so weird. I mean i find it unbelievable that a girl her age has never been attracted to a guy. And it's not like she could be gay either. She doesn't have the imagination to be homosexual."

that would be a classic soupie quote. it was made in reference to this one girl she knew and disliked but had to hang out with.

14. name a member of the band 'just nim ulsoor lake'

the multi talented bahadur.

15. what is stalker shanmuga's real name?

rbr aka raobharathrao aka my former internet best friend/illegal music and movie downloading genius who has contributed muchly to this blog through gtalk conversations.

16. who said the following?

On Shilpa Shetty's dancing - "Why she is shaking only one side? She will dislocate her hip."

On Karan Johar: "Aah i like this boy a lot. See so neatly he's come off. I want to have coffee with him."

On Akshaye Khanna: "Who is that chapraasi fellow next to Anil Kapoor?"

meri ma! this is why i refuse to watch tv with her.

17. the only poem ever featured on this blog was a tribute to what chocolate?

nobody got this one right. except one dude. the correct answer would be TOBLERONE. does no one remember reading this? sniff. it was a serious tribute. it meant something.

18. what hilarious incident at the office led to the creation of this permanent notice?



B got part of her shirt stuck in the shredder and screamed and yelled because she thought it was going to swallow her. it was the funniest eight seconds of my life.

19. true of false. rohan kurien is a terrible kisser.

hmm this is a tough one. our only source is a friend of his ex who claims the ex told her that she had to teach him how to kiss. now this ex is someone we disliked when we were two. we went to the same preschool and i used to make fun of her and she had gone home and told mommy dearest who in turn taught her to say something mean back and so she did. unimaginative bitch!

20. what radio station does gay cousin who doesn't know he's gay yet listen to? what colour disco lights does he have in his car?

the jazz station and bright purple.

Special mentions:

Bikerdodanna for this observation: 9. Odd man out: Ambareesha, cos he's the only person who can run sideways down 28 flights of stairs. Thank you, that image has been stuck in my mind ever since.

Soupie: 9.Rebel IsTaar Ambreesh Row 1, Column 3 and Row3 column 3 the father of my unborn child.
She didn't mention said future child's name so i will - Yamraj Singh!

Ramsu: 9. Ajit Agarkar. Only one among the bunch who never, EVER knew how to play cricket. CORREKT i say! Why did you delete your comment?

Congratulations to 'the bride' who was the only person who got number 16 right. Soupie/Kb even you two got that one wrong. I cant blame u though. It's quite possible my dad could've said something like that.

Mr. Mandu also got this one right. But he got everything right. Ladies and gentleman i present to you the winner of this quiz - Mr. Mandu. Yay!!!

The second prize goes to kb! She promised free clothes and one does not want to piss off such a talented designer.

Lettuce kindly observe one nimit silence in memory of our dearly departed friend DISCO.

To help us grieve we now have the company of Disco 2 who looks exactly like the late disco. Only he's a different colour.

Thank You ,

The management.

Contest winners and quiz answers will be posted soon.

ONE WHOLE YEAR OF BEING OBSESSED WITH THIS DAMN BLOG.

awwww i just read this.

Teen boy: Do you ever wonder, like, if you die, what will happen to your MySpace and your Internet stuff?

Teen girl: Yeah. You have my password, right? Promise me you'll go on and approve the good comments?

soupie/kb which one of you would like this responsibility?


woo hoo its my blog birthday! i know this because i'm lame and i keep track of such events. but of course you already knew that. i was even going to do a countdown but then i forgot. also i was distracted by the quiz which YOU have yet to take. do it!

right, so the point of this post is to tell you that i want birthday presents. and no not a poem. a real virtual gift. personalized. or not. also you may take this opportunity to say how the existence of this blog has changed your life. for the better.

thank you for visiting me over and over again. or that one time when you stayed for eight seconds after googling 'cleavage indian girls'.

but really, thank you for being a part of my strange world. virtual hugs for everyone.

How well do you know me?

On the 29th this blog turns ONE. To celebrate this joyous occasion we are having a how well do you know me quiz. Silent stalkers, this is your moment to shine. Answers will be posted in a few days and the top three winners will be announced. If only three people take part YOU WILL BE GUARANTEED A WIN! So go on, impress me. Of course there will be prizes. Maybe even a virtual hug.

You can email your answers to bengloorgirlindenver@gmail.com

p.s inaccurate but hysterical answers may still get points.



1. what former pet did i accidentally eat?

2. what tv show do celebrities have to appear on in order for me to fall in love with them?

3. where did i learn the gayatri mantra?

4. how many times have i been pulled over? bonus question [how many times has this lead to me getting a ticket?]

5. name the only two things i can cook

6. what do the creepy paintings in my house that occasionally switch places depict?

7. a fake version of this product can be purchased in shivaji nagar under the name 'iski maaki'. what is the name of the original product?

8. name two people who have been guest writers on this blog.

9. pick the odd one out. and no row/column. give me a name.



10. what was demanded in exchange for the boss' kidnapped stapler?

11. is karen a boy or a girl or are we still undecided on this matter?

12. what have i always wanted to name my gold fish? [clue: this is also partly the reason i've wanted a gold fish]

13. who said the following? "Ugh Pri, she is so weird. I mean i find it unbelievable that a girl her age has never been attracted to a guy. And it's not like she could be gay either. She doesn't have the imagination to be homosexual."

14. name a member of the band 'just nim ulsoor lake'

15. what is stalker shanmuga's real name?

16. who said the following?

On Shilpa Shetty's dancing - "Why she is shaking only one side? She will dislocate her hip."

On Karan Johar: "Aah i like this boy a lot. See so neatly he's come off. I want to have coffee with him."

On Akshaye Khanna: "Who is that chapraasi fellow next to Anil Kapoor?"

17. the only poem ever featured on this blog was a tribute to what chocolate?

18. what hilarious incident at the office led to the creation of this permanent notice?



19. true of false. rohan kurien is a terrible kisser.

20. what radio station does gay cousin who doesn't know he's gay yet listen to? what colour disco lights does he have in his car?

i hate to admit it but i miss you colorado.

i miss the comfort of my old job. the comfort of being able to stroll into work around 10:45ish [with strong emphasis on the ish] wearing a kurta and flip flops. and being able to surf the net for the rest of the day. i miss the luxury of having chinese food delivered in five minutes without having to say more than a hello. they knew my voice. they knew where i worked. and they knew to make it ridiculously hot.

i miss you fun work people with your big smiles, highly inappropriate questions and occasional art work. i miss being able to sleep walk through the day without the boss having a clue. i miss being able to walk into the nail place and be attended to right away. i miss the people at starbucks. at both the starbucks who knew my drink order and knew i was always late so to make it quick. i miss you nice lady at walgreens who always billed me at the cosmetics counter. i miss you pretty mountains and yes even you random farm animals. okay not as much as the other stuff but i miss you.

i miss the familiarity of it all.

it is our duty as tv people to help the not so fortunate grad students in their quest to understand emmy winning television shows, namely ugly betty.

warning: long, banterful, a complete waste of time.

me: wats over fool?
revealed: examsssssssssss
yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
yipppppppppppeeeeeeeeee
me: yay
revealed: whooooooooooo hooooooooooo
me: i totally bunked work today
revealed: omg
me: pretended to have the flu
revealed: bitch
hahahahahah
me: heres my question
revealed: are you even slightly sick?
ask
me: can i get over the flu by tomorrow?
revealed: yeah
me: really?
revealed: 24 hour flu
totally
me: 1 one day flu?
um ok
revealed: yes
me: heh
and to ans ure q
no
revealed: it is a known fact [grin] you will be so off the hook
me: i am not even a lil bit sick
i just had a long day nenne
and i decided i totally hated my job
revealed: ok so tell me this
awwwwwwwwwww
me: this morning i was like ughhhhh not another day
so i called off at 7:30
revealed: well done
me: woke up direct call
my sleepy voice
totally believable
revealed: [smile]
hahahahah
well done
we saloot your courage
i have question too
what is good on tv today
me: omg
u crazy bitch
its thursday!!!
omg
i cant believe ure asking me this
first of all u should already be watching tv
it all starts at 7
revealed: omggg
me: heres the tough decision
revealed: what what starts at 7
me: nbc or abc?
revealed: i dunno
what is on which
me: ugly betty is on abc RIGHT NOW
till 8
revealed: ok...
and on nbc?
me: but 30 rock
the office
heres wat i recommend
stick to abc
from 7 till 10
ugly betty
followed by greys anatomy
followed by the big shots
then go online to nbc.com
and watch the office and 30 rock
revealed: hahahahahahahahahaha
[smile]
me: no no
revealed: sorry [smile]
me: dont loff
revealed: inappropriate laughter
me: this is not a joke
im serious
revealed: ok
me: i take this very seriously
revealed: so we stick to ugly betty
me: sure
but since u already missed 10 mins
revealed: uh oh
me: u could just watch 30 rock in twenty
and watch ugly betty online
the best part
revealed: aaha
me: 30 second ads!
revealed: hahahahah
yayyy
me: again
revealed: fine then
me: the loffter
revealed: apparently it's a good day to stay at home
me: totally insulting
revealed: sorry
yes totally
and inappropriate
me: omg it totally is
revealed: i am such an asian
me: heh
huh?
revealed: more inappropriateness
have you never noticed how the asians laugh the most inappropriately?
me: aah
revealed: and hysterically?
for the weirdest things?
me: and when u say asians
u mean?
revealed: i mean chinks
me: aah
chinese people
revealed: firmly disbelieve that we are asian
we are not asian
we are indian
me: heh
me to
revealed: vairy different
me: too
revealed: [grin]
me: which is why i was all confused
revealed: [grin]
all cleared up now?
confusion disappeared?
me: yes
now go make fun plans for us this weekend
revealed: hokay
me: im not working
yayyyyyy
revealed: yayyyyyy
we will do something very fun
me: um sure
u make it sound very promising
!
revealed: [grin]
lemme think and propound plans
me: aah
ess
k
i gotto go
wilhelmina is planning to destroy mode
gasp
ta
revealed: wait
who is wilhelmina?
what is mode?
why are we gasping?
me: um
revealed: why do i not understand this!
me: are u an ugly betty virgin?
revealed: yes
absolutely
never watched it
me: wat?
revealed: thursday nights babe
me: wat?
oh god
revealed: who has the time?
me: u poor poor student person
revealed: yes
this is true
very poor
so it's about an ugly person?
apparently?
me: so w is the character played by vanessa williams
u know her no?
revealed: yes
singer
?
me: mode is the name of the fashion magazine
they all work for
revealed: hokay
me: singer/actress.former miss usa who posed naked thereby shocking the world
revealed: hah
excellent
who are all these old people?
me: heh
i have no idea
but that girl with the boobs
revealed: weird
me: is ugly betty's sis
revealed: oh!
me: they're in her house
revealed: bizarrely
who is little boy?
me: thats ugly betty's little gay nephew
revealed: ooh
me: who just lost his daddy
revealed: awwwwwwww
me: so hes trying to be like his daddy
wearing his leather jacket
revealed: awwwwwwww
me: and flirting with girls
but totally gay
this is ub's boss
daniel
revealed: who is smart boy in suit?
ooohhhh
me: not smart
wait they'll show ub's non boyfriend in a while
now he is smart geeky boy
totally hot
revealed: ooh
me: this is daniel's mother
revealed: how old is betty person?
me: who escaped from prison
revealed: she is evil, no?
i can see she is evil
me: she killed her husband's ex mistress
revealed: woah
me: who happens to be the receptionist's mother
father we r still trying to research
this old man is ub's dad
he loves watching mexican soaps
hispanic soaps
latina soaps?
revealed: ub lives with these guys?
me: these people
are her family
her sis
her dad
her little gay nephew
duh!
revealed: so she lives with them?
me: yes fool
!
who would u be living with if ure name was ugly betty
?
revealed: zank you simple questions get such complicated answers
sigh
who is blonde bimbo?
hahahahahhaa
me: ok this is ub's boss' sister
she was formerly his brother
revealed: ooohhhh
me: then he died and came back as a girl
but then he lost his memory
revealed: excellent
me: so now he doesn't know why he has boobs
but he's totally enjoying it
revealed: hahahahahaha
me: ok this is who i need u to concentrate on
in purple sweater and red tie
revealed: nooooooo ewwwwwwwwwww
geekkkk
me: do u recognise his asian friend?
revealed: no
who who
asian friend is cute
me: from harold and kumar?
revealed: oh
me: no?
i think
revealed: never saw white castle
sowwy
me: u dont think ub's non bf is cute?
hes sooooooooo cute
revealed: no
not at-tall
me: hmmm
but you're doing a phd
revealed: yes
hence the allergy to geeks
me: wat kind of boys r u into? she asked being very non generalizing
revealed: no?
would never date a guy from grad school
me: aah
revealed: how sad would that be
me: yes
true
oh and thats ub
i dont think i introduced her to u
revealed: hahahaha
knew that one
me: really?
wow
you're smarter than i think u r
this lady with the british accent
is betty's friend
also tailor at mode
wannabe designer
revealed: wow
just got into hot water
poor leddy
me: oh no
he's leaving
revealed: yeah
very tragic
me: who the eff is leddy?
revealed: men are such dickheads
me: heeee
revealed: the wife
who was not single
me: huh
?
wat?
r we watching the same show?
revealed: the blonde british chick
with the husband
me: aah
revealed: yes!!
me: which husband?
revealed: she just got caught by hubby
no?
me: she's married
?
revealed: apparently!
me: really?
revealed: she was all like you're a creepy stalker
me: see you're distracting me
aah
revealed: and that chappie was like no i'm your husband
and she said crap
and closed her lappy
saw it all, i did [grin]
me: i dont pay much attention to the not so important characters
revealed: tsk tsk
me: esp when im busy with my scene by scene commentary to YOU
revealed: [grin]
me: damn
revealed: awww but it is so amazingly sweet of you
me: i didnt even know she was married
awww
im not doing the same for the next show
revealed: [grin]
me: greys anatomy is serious stuff
revealed: i watch grey's
me: oh thank god
!
revealed: [grin]
me: who is this fool?
in brown
?
who wears brown from head to toe?
revealed: dunno
poor chap
i'm rooting for him
awwwww
me: dont u love poodle over here in the purple bow tie?
revealed: burn
no
jackass
me: heh
the crazy bitch is playing all by herself
heh
revealed: yeah poor baby
me: oh yay look its the non boyfriend
oh and not to ruin it for u
revealed: yay
me: but he's totally gonna propose to her this episode
i know
from like commercials during the week
revealed: omgggggggggg
me: heh
do u need to sit down for this?
revealed: already lounging on sofa
me: did he just say bird flu?
revealed: cant sit up
yes [grin]
me: haaah
so cute
i need to use that the next time i call in
no?
i had the bird flu
revealed: why are they avoiding each other?
you cant have the bird flu! your bird can have the bird flu
me: cause he totally sperminated this other non important character
revealed: he's cute
me: first we thought she was faking it
but turns out the bitch is really sperminated
see i told u he is cute
revealed: yes yes
me: ooh uncomfortable confrontation
wait
revealed: awwww
me: r u listening to this
he says when someone asks u out to drinks and a movie its a date
revealed: yes totally
me: um
revealed: hahahahahah
no drinks for you then
me: u weren't asking me on a date right?
heh
revealed: nuh uh nevah mentioned alcohol, missy
wonly movie
doesnt count
me: k
good good
heh
this is their father
revealed: the foppy jackass shoulda apologized
idiot
me: wilhelmina is trying to marry the budda
she wants to own mode
revealed: oooh flashback
me: don't u love it?
revealed: why is she dressed as the maid?
ooohhh
me: no no she's trying to be all motherly
revealed: very housewivesish
me: notiss the silver mini underneath
revealed: yeah thought she was being like slutty maid
rich slutty maid
me: oh and lady with lesbian hairstyle aiming for her forehead is the mother
revealed: yes
me: original mother who killed former mistress
revealed: i say go mom
me: yay
revealed: [grin]
me: u get ads no
?
revealed: yes
me: good
revealed: absholootly
many many
me: im tired
revealed: hahahahahaha
from bunking work all day?
me: hmm u think they'll show bm's fav commercial?
revealed: yeah i hear that can be very tiring
what is bm's fave one?
me: the depression one
revealed: that's her fave?
me: 'depression hurts'
revealed: why is that her fave?
me: i think
revealed: heh
me: heeee
she mentioned it
in her therapy post
i think
revealed: heh
don't remember
me: u dont?
but it was her last one before she left the blog world
i was traumatized
revealed: hahahahaha
awwwwww
i undahstand
me: i read it over and over again
no u dont!
revealed: ok
but i could
if i tried really hard
till my head hurt
me: dont u hate furniture store ads?
waste of time!
revealed: yeah totally
cos it reminds me that i dont have anything in my dining room
me: heh
revealed: not a stick
me: which is okay
revealed: and they'll go for only 1200
and i'm like yeah! that's my salary
me: cause who ever uses the dining table?
unless u have visitors?
revealed: hahahaha
true
fact once we get a table we're going to miss the space
me: why r u getting a table?
revealed: so we can call people home for dinner
me: like who people?
revealed: hahahaha
me: you're students
revealed: go daniel
like grad school people
me: why r they all celebrating christmas?
revealed: were people too yknow
me: um sure
revealed: tradition, baba
me: but its october fool
revealed: the maid is marrying the dad?
me: yes
revealed: dang it
me: were u not paying attention this whole time?
revealed: no no i wasnt
me: did her jail friend just say "lets go to italy"?
that was so random
like why italy?
revealed: yeah
well why not
italy's a place
people go there
me: why r these old people still here?
revealed: they're asleep
me: ooh the cops
revealed: everyone's in trouble
omggg
awfulness
shes annoying
me: she always wears these cool alien inspired clothes
i like it
revealed: heh
awww give him the chance
me: good god her flashbacks r so vague
revealed: no no
very clear
mean dad
yells at sons
me: heh
ooh i think nows the proposal
revealed: he isnt cute but he's cute
me: he's very cute
revealed: hahahahahaha
me: oh no!
revealed: he's not dhakkan
me: so he isnt really proposing
revealed: awww
me: damn u random lady in the restaurant
revealed: burn again
hahahaha they tricked you
me: damn u fake ads
revealed: these damn tv people
me: they did!
revealed: sold their souls to the devil
me: playing with my head
revealed: yeah!
me: sob
revealed: we should do the mom thing
me: huh? wat?
wat mum thing?
revealed: and stand outside their windows
with rifles
me: aah
revealed: at least you can
and then i'll come and say
let's go to italy
only we cant cos i cant afford it
damn mom who can afford italy
me: u mean 'the ex wife with lesbian hairstyle who killed the ex mistress' thing
revealed: yes
absolootly
think it's very cool
me: ok
and instead of italy
we could go to olive garden
i heart their tuscan garlic chicken
mmmm
revealed: ooohh
me: and their tiramisu
only they lie
revealed: yeah we could
olive garden rocks
me: that dessert has no alcohal in it
revealed: they dont lie!
hahahahahahahaha
damn em!
this is why we should go to italy
me: or
revealed: bet the italians put real alcohol in their tiramisu
me: we could pour a couple of spoons
or shots
of our favourite alcohol onto it
revealed: tsk no! i will not compromise
me: let it soak it all in
revealed: i ask for tira misu i should get tiramisu no?
not fake AA tiramisu
me: yes
i knoW!
stand up stand up
stand up for your rights
revealed: oooh housewives ad
me: dont u hate the new one?
shes so mean
revealed: yeah
hate her
hard as nails
me: and she wont share her recipes with poor bree
i love bree
revealed: yeesh
i have no love for bree
me: and shes done somehting mean
revealed: or new york
but that's just me
me: to her daughter
like wiped out her memory
or something
revealed: yeah! obviously
me: why dont u like bree?
revealed: bree's too orange
me: wat does new york have to do with it?
and by ny do u mean the place
or the reality tv star?
revealed: cos apparently tons of people have love for new york
who knew?
me: she is not too orange
revealed: is so
me: no one does orange like bree
uh duh!
new yorks so cool
or they make it seem like that on tv
revealed: yeeshhhhhhhh
me: and in movies
revealed: hahahahahaha
we are talking reality tv?
me: and we all know how much i believe in the crap i watch on tv
no just any tv
revealed: i am talking reality tv
and i'm talking midget man
and big fake boobs
me: notiss how the contents of their fridge are so tricolour
revealed: hahahahaha
me: ooh confrontation
kids gonna cry
he looks desi no?
oh blah
they miss the father it seems
revealed: totally desi
it was an awww moment
me: he showed up in like all of two episodes
if i don't miss him they cant possibly miss him
revealed: omg
me: i barely remember wat he looks like
wats with the music?
revealed: psycho
me: oh they're watching it?
heh
revealed: yes yes keep up!
me: sorry
jeez
why wasn't he superman
or spiderman
way cuter than that other fool
no?
revealed: omggg
he is awfully uncute
me: make up your mind will u
noooooooooooooooo
don't quit mode
we like u
revealed: but betty doesnt
oh she's back
me: ooh other option se says
revealed: omggggggg
me: ooh they're kissing
revealed: i have never kissed someone with braces on
me: where did that come from?
revealed: wonder how it feels
me: bwahahaha
revealed: get a roommmm
me: well all u have to do is kiss someone sitting next to u in class tomorrow
wait
revealed: hahahahahahha
me: where was the scene of him in his underwear
'?
like from the ads
geek boy in undies?
revealed: omgg we should totally see dan in real life
me: did i miss it
yes
hes so funneh
revealed: yeahhh
tot-tull-leee
me: omg we did it
revealed: let's go saturday
did what?
me: we watched ugly betty while gtalking simultaneously
yes lets
revealed: hahahahahaha
course we did!
and yayyyy (for dan plan)
me: i might be putting this on my blog
revealed: hahahahahahahaha
me: just fyi
revealed: blog fodder
me: heh
yes
revealed: i have no blog fodder
me: awwww
put it too
revealed: hahahahaha
me: but see something like this
revealed: yeah maybe i will
me: is so not your blog
its totally my blog though
revealed: very true
very true again
me: heh
alright
revealed: this is new show?
samantha who/
you have seen? not yet started?
me: i need to go pee and find a snack before greys anatomy starts
ta
revealed: hahahahaha
go go
me: i saw part of it
revealed: i need to cook
me: i have to go watch it online
cook?
um okay
have fun with that
ta
revealed: [smile]
thank you
bbye

this just proves that you dear reader will read just about anything.

I see your no updates and i raise you lotsa links that point to your no updates thereby solving my no update problem.

I totally used that wrong no?

Apparently it's perfectly acceptable to cancel an episode of 'Boston Legal' with no prior warning to instead broadcast a live California fire update. However when it comes to 'Dancing with the stars' aah the show must go on. wtf?

angry unsympathetic viewer.

***

Deep breath. Moving on...

To all the two people complaining about the lack of updates on this blog i have this to say in my defense or in my defence. Which one is it? I am working on that pop quiz i promised. You know, the one about me, to um celebrate me talking about me for a whole entire year.

Now if you want to impress me you will go study. Hard.

This will of course be an open book blog quiz. However much like other quizzes about people on the internet this one will have a time limit. And a prize. A fun one.

And talking about people who don't update their blogs for months together does anyone know what happened to Gounder Brownie? First she disappears. Then she reappears under a different url and now she has gone missing again.

And ATP we love you for your equal opportunity hating but honey you have got to post more than once a month! Go watch a wedding for inspiration or something. Talking about watching a wedding this one lady at work is throwing a 'wedding' birthday party for her 4 year old. Like seriously. And this other co worker now hates me because i mistook her son for her daughter. It had braids! I also thought it was 7. Turns out its only two. Apparently the 07 was for the year the picture was taken.

Other lazy ass bloggers i'd like to take this opportunity to call out include CS. Maybe its time to have mother visit or something. She brings out the funny in you. For the people who have no idea what i'm talking about go read this.

Also TS you lazy fuck. First you write all these pretty stories and after we're hooked you post pictures that you claim you took on your camera phone even though everyone knows you're lying and then you post you tube videos and now a sports post? For the record any sports post that isn't about cricket isn't really a post. Now go write a touching story about a drunk girl in the middle of the road or a drunk boy in rehab who later went on to become a famous musician.

And what is the meaning of this? When people write uncomment friendly posts how are we supposed to clarify our doubts? Plus when they threaten to close their blogs down but continue to blog anyway and then write posts titled FULLSTOP with a no comment feature can you blame us for thinking they're done. Then they come back with some lame one liner that makes sense only to them.

Oh and will someone tell this woman [yes we know you're a woman] that this is not a real recipe. And believe me we know a real recipe when we see one. For example this work of art.

The only person i can't really complain about is KA. I don't know how he does it but he blogs almost every single day. And his posts aren't omg how dare they cancel my tv show or omg look new shoes type posts. They're real posts with big words, sometimes most times bilingual and with pictures and maps and diagrams. How do you do it Krish Attack? How?

I was gonna pick on this fool but he just updated his blog. Something about having an imaginary conversation with a pani puri eating goddess about preserving buildings or something. Dude you lost me at diaphanous. Although that did make me go google it and now i know that it means transparent so yay! But please, make fun of someone no while showing off your ridiculous amount of knowledge on classical music and god knows every language ever spoken in the known universe. Also what is your secret to winning contests you never entered and getting marriage proposals you never asked for?

Oh and BM is back in case you'll weren't invited. Yay. I feel all special. Also BM and the tiniest person in the universe aka possibly my new best Houston friend have this new terribly designed blog where bloggers write guest posts in a non them way? Did i get that right? Go see. Alrighty i have to go finish that quiz i haven't started yet. Muah.

this is how lazy i am and omg look it's a real live blogger!

so i get home tonight after the show and im too lazy to fry an egg but im hungry right so i look in the refrigerator and i find this Pillsbury cookie dough. they're these tiny square that you put in the oven for some 12 mins and they're done. so i put like four in and i figure 6 minutes should be good. plus i like to time my cooking during commercial time and obama was on leno. anyway i check back at a convenient time cause like who sets alarms right, and it looks all gooey so i keep it in a little longer and then i can smell it. you know that wonderful baking smell, which makes me hungrier so i don't wait the two minutes im supposed to wait for it to cool. instead i transfer it straight to my plate and then eat it with a fork because its still hot.

oh and at the store i almost bought the brownie dough only it said i would need to squeeze the dough onto a pan and i was like fuck that. thats an extra step. then there's the cutting of the brownies into squares. too much work, which is why i went with the cookies. they're good too. i highly recommend them. you cant eat more than three though. too sweet.

so did anyone watch obama on the tonight show? there was this comedian guy on as well and he cracked me up. he goes "this is how liberal i am. i am for gay stem cell research". heh.

so i got to meet my first blogger today. and no she was not an axe murderer, ms brittany you can quit worrying. it was in fact ms. revealed aka the flaffmeister who has got to be the tiniest person in all of the world. and apparently she runs for an hour everyday. then she chugs beer and orders fries. it wasn't even on the menu! so we were at this sort of desi event and we didn't see a single cute desi boy. we looked. even paul varghese turned up looking like a taller skinnier version of tushar kapoor. very sad. plus we think he might've been drunk the whole time. this paul varghese dude has a blog and sometime last week i left a comment on there asking a very important question about the show and the fool never replied. anyway the correct answer would've been No, it is in fact NOT auntyjee appropriate. paul varghese thanks for nothing.

after the show revealed and i stood around the parking lot talking about horse tails and other bloggers and a phd beer pong party and how i really need to go out drinking instead of buying wine from krogers and drinking it straight out of the bottle. so anyway my point is i did almost everything my mother warns me never to do. first i meet someone from the internet. then we stand around talking for a good twenty minutes in a deserted parking lot late at night. and then i come home and eat three cookies for dinner!


p.s as i type this gmail keeps giving me sponsored links from the random bits of information from my text. so far i have:

Keep Pork off Your Fork
Check out our list of the Top 10 reasons not to eat pigs.

Oven Baked Horse Cookies
Formulated by Dr. Jane Bicks

reality tv, an anniversary, pink or brown? or both?

ill be honest. my life is completely boring at the moment and has been for the longest time, which is why the blog has been neglected. but i feel like i owe you'll a post. plus i know you guys will read just about anything so here's a tv post - this season's top five four must see trashy tv reality shows:

1. America's most smartest model - so they're looking for a smart model only they've picked the dumbest contestants on the planet because it's you know a television show. they have quizzes and spelling bees. watch out for the crazy russian axe murderer dude.

2. I love new york - new york of i want flavor flav's clock fame is searching for love, again. watch out for midget man who claims um who claims all kinds of different inappropriate things.

3. Pageant Place - this one stars miss usa [yes the same one who fell on her ass bringing much joy to the universe] and tara corner [the one who went to rehab bringing much joy to the viewers of the view] and miss teen usa [who supposedly made out with tara corner and then ratted her out to trump] and miss universe who seemed like the normal one until she showed up at the airport minus a passport or any form of id. oh but she was carrying her miss universe sash in a clear plastic bag, also a picture of her wearing the crown. the guy at the check in counter didn't seem to recognise her. he was told to google her.

4. A shot of love with tila tequila - another dating show, only tila is bisexual so the contestants are a mix of straight men and lesbians who dont know about each other. until episode 2.

random observation: are tranny hookers the new black? there's one on 'big shots' and one on 'dirty sexy money' and i swear i saw one on another show. i cant remember which.

also a regular reader of this blog had this to day "Your blog, it's more NRIy now. i don't relate to it. you sold out pri, you became one of them. you went commercial. its like veena stores in malleshwaram selling hamburgers."

is this true? i think not.
i realise this post isn't the best example but can you blame me? i am directv-less. what else am i supposed to write about?

in other lame news you wish you didn't have to know, i discovered a new shoe store today, its all unique and boutique-y. i bought some really pretty brown peep toe shoes that i know i can wear to work and that i know will go with tons of things but all i've been thinking about are the pink peep toe ones i left behind. the ones that will go with like 2 things in my wardrobe. okay 5. but they're so pretty. you think i should exchange the brown ones?

in making new friends in the city news, i might be meeting a fellow blogger tomorrow night. it will be my first blogger meeting. so much fun!

stat counter tells me:

someone in scotland googled 'potty time food that u can eet wive you finges'. right. gross.

someone in malaysia googled 'process of meeting a new friend'. awwww you poor thing! wait. if you find any info pass it on.

someone in switzerland googled 'Vodka with reindeer blood'. is this the new pani puri with vodka?

someone in mumbai googled 'review of exploring colourful word of khadi bedsheet'. huh? who?

p.s. this blog will be turning 1 soon and in honour of its anniversary i'm thinking of having a pop quiz. about me. cause i'm so one of those people who would do that. do your homework. and hugs to all the people who emailed me to say wtf? its been more than 48 minutes and there hasn't been a new post from you. is everything okay? awwww i heart you random strangers.

midget update: our friend almost drowned this week. here's what 'best week ever' said "in case you had no idea why there was a midget in the lake here's what lead up to these events. the midget was trying to swim across the lake to win new york's love. new york who flava flav didn't want. flava flav who bridgette nielsen didnt want. so thats why there was a midget trying to swim across a lake."

to truly appreciate the above summary you have to know what these people look like. google them at once!

30 rock is back!

From last night's season premiere:

Tracy Jordon - "Kenneth, will you take this ring…and sell it in the Jewish part of Midtown, then go get us a Nintendo Wii?"

Liz - "I don't need society's permission to buy a white dress. Who says this is a wedding dress anyway? In Korea they wear white to funerals."
Later when Tracy sees her in a white dress- "Oh no! Did a Korean person die?"

And hot desi boy is back y'all. And miss Gabby shame on you! You got me all excited when you said he had a talking part. All he said was "Seinfeld's here" but it's cool, he provides the eye candy and we love him. And the show. Watch the show.

Friend wanted for friendless 24 year old female in new city

sex/sexual orientation/age no bar. however candidates who were in existence before the first cricket world cup have a slim chance of being selected.

minimum qualifications required:

must enjoy movies
must be willing to go to the theater and pay to watch movies. said movies might be in foreign languages.
must not end every sentence with 'yaar'
must enjoy fashion and shopping
must like to eat out a lot [see last prereq]
must drink alcohol
must be familiar with and use the texting feature on a cell phone
must be familiar with local and international television shows
must be familiar with the lives of national and international celebrities [candidate might be required to do a pretest]
must be willing to do stuff on days that are not only weekends or holidays
must have heard of cricket [being a cricket fan is not a prereq, one could always be converted]
must be spontaneous
must be okay with dead baby jokes
must be okay with dead bucknor jokes
must not cancel on friendless 24 year old female last minute on plans made weeks in advance.
must be flexible with friendless 24 year old rescheduling plans made weeks in advance for never.
must enjoy stand up comedy and must be willing to spend the fifteen dollars or the twenty five dollars or the forty five dollars it costs to go see excellent comics at the local comedy club.
must be familiar with the city and must be willing to drive or be driven to tons of different places.
must not constantly be on a diet. must like things fried in butter.


preferred but not a criteria:

ability to fix things or know people who can fix things* for free.
not currently have a restraining order filed against them [except if the person/group of people filing the order is a member of indian cricket team or is the indian cricket team]
be willing to experiment in borderline illegal activities.
be familiar with urban dictionary lingo


extra points if:

good looking
know good looking people
speak kannada or tamil
are from bangalore
are cricket fans
are talented cooks


instant disqualifiers:

non bathers
regular bathers with genetic sweat disorders who therefore have constant body odor problems
annoying voice/laugh
fake accent [look if it's once in a while and you can switch back and forth and make fun of yourself fine but if you do it constantly and you're doing it wrong, i can tell and i might kill you or have you killed.]

*laptops, light bulbs, car parts, heels, buttons

candidates may apply via comments or may email me at bengloorgirlindenver@gmail.com

you may expect a reply to your application anytime between 2 - 4 minutes.

thank you cum again.

In news from the interweb

I assume you are all aware of the sad demise of my dear friend Directv. Now what this means is my only link to all things Desi is the interweb. Earlier this evening i diligently checked the following websites in no particular order - NDTV, CNN IBN, MSN and a cricket website. To my great joy i discovered the following ridiculousness headlines and quotes.

Cricketnext: What do think of Sreesanth?

Yohannan - "Sreesanth has countless ways of frustrating a batsmen. He speaks to the batmen sometimes in Arabic, actually it isn't Arabic, he has his own languages through which he sends warning messages to the batsman."

You know, of all the mentally unstable cricketers we are privileged to have in our team this fool had to be the chosen one last Monday to be standing under that ball.

We have so much to be grateful for. So much.


'Dhoni will make a difference to cricket' - Chappell spoke to CNN-IBN about his time in India and on his comeback.

I'm sorry, on his what?

Quick gather all the boys in a huddle and remove group drishti.

Oh no! It's too late.

Strategically placed right below the Chappell article: Injured Ganguly to sit out second ODI.

Calcutta what are you doing? Enough with the celebrations. Its time for one of your special Dada pujos. And someone please inform Mr. Somnath Chatterjee asap so he may declare an emergency session of parliament.

Then this shocker - Aishwarya to play Bipasha’s mom in a Hollywood flick

Gasp! No fucking way. By the by this "Hollywood" film is about Shah Jahan and Mumtaz Mahal.

Now don't hate me, i realise this isn't a laughing matter but wtf? Drunk friends murder Delhi boy over a samosa.

How pissed drunk/insanely hungry do you have to be to murder someone over a samosa? And i'm guessing from the title of the article that this was an aloo samosa. Now an onion samosa i can understand...

And finally Bipasha Basu said "I want to play mainstream normal characters in the West, not an ethnic Asian person."

um yeah, i hear they're casting for the role of the albino in the sequel to that movie with the creepy albino and Tom Hanks. Oh but wait you're playing the very Hollywood role of Aishwarya's daughter in that movie about the Taj Mahal.