Quiet time

I will henceforth NOT be communicating with either Miss Gabby or Miss/Mr. Brittany. The bitches were supposed to take me to go see the Gay Pride Parade this Sunday and now they have changed their minds. A HEAT issue supposedly. I have been looking forward to this cultural event for weeks. I was planning on taking lots of fun pictures and making lots of fun observations and then blogging about it and now I can’t. Soupie thinks I should go by myself but it would be rather sad for a straight girl to show up at the Gay pride parade all ALONE with no friends - straight or gay.

edited @ 11:26 pm:

Some interesting rules and regulations i found on the parade website:

Cross-dressing is a significant part of our heritage. Both serious and comic male and female impersonations are welcome in the parade, providing that such presentations adhere to all rules governing parade dress codes. The Committee reminds all participants that all costumes and other apparel worn in the PrideFest Parade must comply with the Obscenity Statues of the State of Colorado and the Public Decency Ordinances of the City and County of Denver. [Damn it! Hooker heels are still okay though right?]

No participant may use profanity, obscene gestures, or other improper conduct towards another participant, Committee member, parade official or spectator of the parade.

[Wahat? Why?]

PrideFest Parade participants are required to stay in their designated order. No "jumping" or crowding of other entrants will be allowed. Retaliation for discourteous or insulting gestures, name-calling or heckling only brings further abuse.

[No jumping or heckling? What is this communion time at church?]

ITEM DISTRIBUTION DURING THE PARADE:

No participant may throw any item from any float or other unit in the parade. THIS INCLUDES BEACH BALLS [?], WATER PROPELLED FROM SQUIRT GUNS [nooooooooooooooo] AND OTHER DEVICES.

[What about water balloons? Are those allowed?]

In the event that an entry wishes to make any distribution [Free stuff? Awesome!] of an item such as beads, flowers, condoms, or similar items, such distribution must be made in person by persons walking along the parade as part of an officially registered entry.

[Right so if one were to walk over and gently place a condom in the hands of a passerby whilst garlanding them with a fun beaded necklace that would be totally okay?]

No sexually explicit material may be distributed by any participant in the parade.

[So no 'Boys gone wild' videos?]

No confetti, streamers, or other types of materials, including glitter, may be thrown or distributed by any parade entry.

[You have got to be kidding me! A glitter-less gay parade?]

In spite of all the "rules" i can imagine how much fun this would have been. Damn you Brittany & Gabby. I cant believe I'm going to miss this because of you two.

You suck!

The Next Sanjaya Malakar???

Um first of all WTF?

Personally i think its an act. Who says "I am perrfaarming on the Ballywood movie like eh dancing .... i can vin yif yeveryone loww my dence" ?

For the two people reading this who haven't seen it ... Here's the original.

The Bengalooru Slonguaze Dictionary

You can also read this here.

So you've just moved to Bengluru. You love the city, the weather, the food and the people who seem really friendly but for some reason you constantly feel like you're being talked about. Just the other day you heard your building watchman mutter "nim ajji" even as he agreed to run down to the Iyengar bakery to get you some fresh tutti fruity bread. Now you're determined to learn some local lingo, some Kanglish street slang to prevent yourself from looking completely stupid. Look no further I say! For here is a yo man service rendered unto the kanglish slanguage, compiled by Vidushi PriKutty [um who would be me] Bykaradoddanna and Kasyaapagowdru.

I have to state here that my contribution to this post was the idea and like 2 words. Bykaradoddanna and his jigri dost the very learned Kasyaapagowdru did the rest on an excel spreadsheet and all. We present to you:

The Bengalooru Slonguaze Dictionary
A compilation of the latest slang words in the Kanglish language for daily use.

Aa? : Universal question tag. (is it? are they? was she? shall we? etc.) Often mistaken by non - south indians as mispronunciation. When an auto driver asks you "Leftaa?" he means "Left, is it?" Variation: "na?" used when the last sound in the question is a vowel. "Koramangala na?"

Adu bere : That also. (That was all I needed). "Adu bere kedu"

AJM: (Short for Akkan Jusht Missu) 1. Minor disappointment 2. Narrow escape. "Aye ticket siktheno?" "Illa lo, AJM agoythu." Do not use in polite company!

Bekitha : Was this required? A sort of "I told you so". "Boss, idu bekitha antha."

Bombat : Fantastic, excellent. "Aye hows your car doing?" "Oh bombattagide kanla."

Boss : Term of address. Used to call friends, auto drivers, waiters, conductors etc. Should not be used much aside from among friends. "Boss, one gobi manchuri dry."

Budding: Short for Brigade road Up and Down. bangalore's most popular pastime. (Also Mudding - MG road Up and Down)

Byawarsi : Lit: heirless. Useless, vagabond, ne'er do well. "Aye thoo byawarsi, sumne iro"

Chindi : Lit : Torn piece of cloth. Fantastic, fabulous

Chitranna : Lit: flavoured rice. (1) Fantastic job (2)Broken to bits (3) Badly botched job. "Sariyag madthini anth helbittu full chitranna maad haakidaane nodri."

Da : Term of address for friends, inferiors or younger people (borrowed from tamil). Rude when used in a non affectionate sense or with strangers. Fem: di. "What da, where y'all went yesterday?"

Deal : Nefarious activity. "Yeno deal maadthaane maga"

Escape : General departure. "Naan oota maadbit escape aagtheno, don't mind aitha?"

Free kotre phenoylu kudithaane : Lit: If its free, he'll even drink phenoyl. Curmudgeon, compulsively economical person.

Goobe : Lit: Owl. Stupid person. "Lei goobe, yaar ninge license kottiddu?"

Goodhlu : Scam. "India nalli education fullu goodhlu boss."

Gumpal Govinda : Lit: Govind in the group. To blend into the crowd. "I have gone gumpal govinda to see movie"

Guru : Lit: teacher. Also used jokingly to call a friend. "Yen guru, aaraam aa?"

Gubbal : Dumbass "Loose nan maga gubbal thara aadbeda lei."

Hawa : Lit: Air. To scare someone. "Full hawa itbitte aa loafer ge innond sali illige barodilla"

Hengythe myge? : Lit: How does your body feel now? i.e, Im going to beat you black and blue. "Yendande? Dhuddilvaa? Yengythe myge?"

Hinde inda Urvashi, munde inda Bevarsi : Looks like the celestial nymph Urvashi from the back but a vagabond from the front.

Jai : With enthusiasm. "Naan jai antha hog koothkonde alli". "I went off to college jai antha"

Kachko : Get stuck. "Sorry maga naan traffic nal kachkondiddene"

Kanjipinji : Meretricious object/activity. "Why you're making so much fuss for one kanjipinji job boss"

Kui : To lie, to bore. "Kui beda maga."

Loafer : Vagabond, flibbertygibbet. "Thoo loafer, get out I say."

Macha(tam) : Lit: Brother in law. Used commonly among friends, though not in polite society. "What da machaaa, not coming uh?"

Maga : Lit: son. Dude. "yeno magaa, yellidde isht divsaa?"

Mane haaLu : Lit: Ruiner of a household. Use to describe expensive things, and people who don’t act in your good interests. "Mane haaL maadbeda", "Aiyo mane haaLa, ningen bantho roga"

Maneyalli hel bandya? : Used for reckless drivers Lit: Did you tell the people at home? (ie, have you informed your family that they have to make arrangements for your funeral?)

Meter : Gumption/cheek. "Yeno, eshto ning meteru?"

Mishtik : Lit: Mistake. Used for errors, leave, illnesses, sudden departures, misunderstandings, deletions, etc. "Yeno nenne officege mishtik aa?" "Haudo, nenne mai mishtik aagithu. Yake, manager yenadru andra?" "Yenantharappa avaru. Full mishtik aagbittu solpa hothu kirchaadidru. Aamele full scope itkond ondu dodda mail kalsidru. Adhara bagge yaak sumne thale mishtik maadskobeku antha odhdhe mishtik maadbitte." "Thoo manager emails na yaako mishtik maadthya? Adhe neen maado dodda mishtikku. Eega avaru nin mele mishtik aagthaare. Matte neen mishtik maadkolthya. Full situationey mishtik aagoguththe."

Naayi Paadu : Lit: Dog's work. "Nanage yaake ee naayi paadu?"

Nan maga : Lit: My son (ie son of). Usually used in conjunction with some other word. "Thoo, waste nan maga he is". Not a polite phrase at all. Has complicated undertones. Use only among close friends.

Nimmajji : Lit: Your grandmother. Another phrase that has hidden meanings. Do not use in polite society.

Off : Transliteration from the kannada "bidu" : "I came off quickly" (Naan bega band bitte). "I sat off there only." (Naan alle koothkond bitte)

Oh what a. : General exclamation. "You won lottery aa? Oh what a!"

Ooshtu : Prob from the english Oust. Exhausted. "4 ghante basket baal aadbit full ooshtaagbitte."

Osi jeevana Janma pavana : Pile on (Lit: Free life, happy existence).

Pigaru : Figure. (girl) "Machaa, aa piagar nodo!"

Pitilu : Lit: Fiddle (violin). Braggart. "Avan bidu. Bejaan pitil aadthirthaane."

Saavu : Lit: Death. Terrible or Awesome as per context. "Boss that movie was saavu only"

Scopu : Yap/boast "Lei, sum sumne scope thagobeda"

Simp-simply : Translated from the kannada sum-sumne. For no reason at all. "Aye don’t simp-simply come and dishtrub me I say."

Sisyaa : Lit: Student. Patronizing term of address to a friend. "Sisya, ba illi, koothko."

Siwaa: Lit: Shiva. Another term for dude. "Alla siwaa, naan en helthene andre...."

Suryanige torchaa? : Lit: Are you shining a torch to the sun? "Boss are you teaching him kannada badwords? Suryange torchaa?"

Ucheyal meen hidithaane : Lit: Catching fish in urine. Cheapskate who looks for opportunities in the most shady conditions.

Uh? : The anglicized version of "aa?" above. Usually blends into last syllable of the previous word unless it is a vowel. "What daa, didn’t go to college juh?" "Not well, luh?" "Wont come tomorrow also vuh?" "Watching movie yuh?"

Yaar nin chair na alladsidru? : Lit: Who shook your chair? Why are you so perturbed?

Now our job has been done but for your part pliss to be using the above words freely in the city to be finally accepted as the Non South Indian maccha who's pretty damn cool after all. Enjaay maadi!

Vo my gaad Biker dude i cant believe we forgot "Swalpa adjust maadi" For you guys "swalpa adjust maadi" is a phrase you will hear at least 15 times a day and it means "Kindly adjust" and they're not talking about your family jewels here. [That type of adjusting will make you no friends!]

edited at 12:17 am: Adjushtu: adjust. Most important word that originates from the accomodative nature of all Bangaloreans. "Solpa adjusht maadi shiva." "Sir one more banana buying means it will adjusht within 10 rupees." "Sir traffic signal jump fine kodi." "Urgent ithu saar, solpa adjusht maadi"

For my Super Talented Kb!

Pri said: Its your first ever fashion show and we're not there to cheer for you. [Some best friends we are!] But i know you'll make us proud. Go Kb creations!

Soupie said: You're my favourite designer (already)

We wore the first ever KB creation and we'll always wear a KB.

Show em Singaporeans what you're made of.

SUPERSTAR [Known yis ye draap...unknown yis ye yocean]

RBR claims he saw/heard this on some news channel. [Yes we're thorough professionals on this blog]

Rajini fans are coming out of the movie hall after watching Sivaji:

Man with half a shirt comes out all sweaty and beaming. Interviewer asks him how the movie was.

Sweaty man: "Swooper saar swooper pichaar. All the comedy scenes were very humour saar."

Interviewer: "So you liked it?"

Sweaty man: "Swooper saar. I was not abled to hear yanny dialogues saar. Too much whistling. But no praablem saar. Tomorrow yagain i yam going. THALAIVAAAAAAAAAR!"

Watch this video for some crazy fan reactions.

This loony lady who looks quite sensible otherwise flew in to Chennai from Australia just to watch the movie first day first show. Watch her talk like Rajini is one of her family members.

Sudhish Kamat [who's otherwise quite the reliable film critic] writes here about why there is no reason to look for reality in a Rajini film.

And check this out. FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!

Overheard today

"So what do you think about this whole Nicole Richie pregnancy thing?"

"I think its like those starving kids in Sudan who don't eat anything for a year and then suddenly their stomachs bloat."

5 things

1. Um the tickets to SIVAJI have been sold out even in DENVER, COLORADO. WTF?

2. I'm currently listening to 'Dil mein baji guitar' from 'Apna sapna money money' and i have this uncontrollable urge to dance like a lorry driver.

3. I have a half day at work tomorrow so this kind of feels like a long weekend but not really.

4. My new laptop isn't as perfect as i thought it was. Remember how i said it was super shiny? Well when i type for extended periods of time [which i do a lot for lack of a real life] the shiny part that touches my wrists gets kind of heated and that isn't very comfortable. :(

5. Coming to the point of this post i am being made to apologise to two people. Two people who were deeply saddened when i deleted their comments and who have since boycotted this blog. I deleted the comments to prevent spamming. I told them that spamming was for orkut scrapbooks and not for this blog. They have promised to behave henceforth. Also one of them has a birthday soon so Happy birthday bitch! Now that your demands have been met ...Welcome back!!!

IIFA commentary

I watched the IIFA awards today with mother who happened to be in a very talkative mood. I had the privilege of listening to the following running commentary throughout the show.

When Dharmendra was on stage with his two weepy sons - "Oho! Why he didn't bring his daughters also on stage? Eediot fellow."

At AB & AB.2 - "Both father and son need to shave, chee disgusting it looks!"

At Kangana Ranaut's outfit - "Oh my god! What is she wearing? What can you not see?"

On Shilpa Shetty's dancing - "Why she is shaking only one side? She will dislocate her hip."

On Karan Johar: "Aah i like this boy a lot. See so neatly he's come off. I want to have coffee with him."

During the clip of the new Gandhi film: "What nonsense! Gandhi didn't look like that. Oh he is sitting on some seat aa? I thought why he is wearing a flared skirt?"

On Anil Kapoor: "You think his hair and moustache are both wigs aa?"

On Akshaye Khanna: "Who is that chapraasi fellow next to Anil Kapoor?"

On Lara Dutta's diction: "Who is she? So nicely she is talking no? Oho from Bangalore aa? That's why."

My favourite parts of the show - the Beedi performance, Shabana Azmi's beautiful saree. Anyone know who made it? Shilpa Shetty's crotch hugging pants - I didn't like them but it was fun watching mother make faces at the TV and finally Ritesh Deshmukh's new haircut. Who knew he was an Upendra fan?

Mummyji ki happy budday

It was mother's birthday today. She loves to throw parties for everyone's birthdays and today she threw one for herself. I had to attend this party since well it was kind of in my house. It wasn't a Desi party because all the Desi people we know have gone to India for the summer. So this was a 'people mother knows from church' party also known as a Jesus party.

As you've probably gathered by now I'm not really religious and so Jesus parties don't make me very comfortable. I was still required to be gracious and hospitable and make pleasant conversation [my least favourite part]. So i put on a salwar kurta and all to help me get into the good little Indian daughter mood and i tried to prepare myself mentally for the evening.

I almost ruined it before it began. Killing a guest would ruin a party right? See i was in charge of picking up the cake since i couldn't possibly be put in charge of anything else edible. Anyway as i was backing out of the garage i came very close to knocking this one old lady down. She had parked her car right near the garage and was walking towards me but for some reason was looking back at her car. Thankfully i spotted her in time thereby saving a life, a party and lots of money.

By the time i got back ... and i made sure i took my time at Dairy Queen choosing from all of three varieties of cakes they had left that didn't already have 'HAPPY FATHER'S DAY' on them, and when i asked them to write 'Happy Birthday Pri's mommy' on it they refused, supposedly complicated tasks of that nature required twenty four hour notice. Entha nonsense alva? Anyway this one girl finally agreed to do it but she told me it was her first time and she was still in training and so i should be prepared to have it not look very neat. In training? One needs to be trained and acquire a certificate to write on a cake?]

Now what the fuck was i talking about?

Right! The party. So i get back and the house is full of people, all women, all old women, all old Jesus loving women, all old Jesus loving Amreekan women [cause all the Desi people went to India remember?] So i said hi to everyone and one lady even did a half namaste/half bow type thing and i did one back without cracking up. Then i quietly escaped to my air conditioned people-free room. Unfortunately i could hear every bit of conversation. Still i was grateful because i wasnt out there having to answer lame questions or anything. Mother called me to help serve the food and i did. As soon as everyone began eating i quietly escaped to my room again. Then i was told that i should come talk to the guests and that this one lady in particular really wanted to talk to me. The stupid fuck! So i went out and sat next to her. I asked if she was enjoying the food and if i could get her anything when all of a sudden she looked me straight in the eye and said the four worst words one can ever hear. "HAVE YOU BEEN SAVED?" I was like "I'm sorry?" and she asked me again. I said "um I'm Catholic" and then i excused myself and ran away to my room. WTF? Seriously. WTF?

Eventually they all left and now i have the house back to myself, plus all that food in the refrigerator. Mmm mmm mmm!

This has nothing to do with anything but do check out this and this. Sad but sho shweet! And this.

Ooh and this. Bwahahahahaha.

Fascinating afternoon discoveries

So i read this and then i saw this picture and i was like OMG perfect!


Yeah i'm lame like that. I'm also super bored.

The Brat's new SHINY friend

So my mother [who apparently still thinks I'm twelve] hid my laptop the other day. Yeah you heard me right. She HID it!

I had stayed over at a friend's place the previous evening and i came home mid Sunday afternoon slightly hung over and very sleepy. The first thing i noticed of course was the empty space on the couch that belonged only to my laptop. Mother then informed me that she had taken it [read: kidnapped it and was keeping it hostage until i did whatever she commanded]

According to her I spent too much time on it. Now I'm not contesting that. I do spend ridiculously long hours on it but who under the age of 30 [alright 40! i don't want to piss some readers off] doesn't?

I was miserable without my laptop. I watched TV for a while and took a nap but then i woke up and felt this deep pain inside that wouldn't go away. I was actually looking forward to going to work today just so i could be near a computer. All day i thought of my laptop and i imagined life without it. I couldn't. It was too painful and so i started looking online for a solution, you know... a new laptop! I found lots of solutions. I told Gabby my idea. I told her how mum and dad had paid for my old laptop when i was in college and so technically mum could take it if she wanted.
However If i bought a new one it would be all mine, ALL MINE!

Gabby said: DO IT!
I was like Gabby you're a terrible influence. You're supposed to say "NO. Don't be silly. Just ask her to give it back."
Gabby said: DO IT and FLAUNT IT!!!
I gave up: Fine. I will.
Gabby said: Call the store and ask if they have the one you want.
I told her i already had.

We exchanged evil laughs and i drove to the store right after work.

Of course at the store i ended up picking a different one [read: more expensive one] from the one i had chosen online. But you see it was shiny. I mean like super shiny, like i could see my face in it shiny. It had all the stuff my old computer had plus it had that thingy for when i order cricket online and i can connect my laptop to the big screen TV. Plus it was SHINY! I made up my mind in two minutes. The guy looked shocked but in a good way. "Would you like our geek squad to set it up for you so you can go home plug it in and start using it?"
"Um you can do that?"
"Sure, no problem. It should take about 40 minutes to complete. You can come collect it at 9 just before we close."

I walked out all happy. I realised i had just experienced one of the perks of adulthood..doing whatever the fuck i want to do. Ironically this was probably one of the more childish things I'd done in a while but who gives a shit?

In the forty minutes i needed to kill before collecting my new shiny toy um computer i managed to buy three shirts from Banana Republic. Oops! They're pretty though, and summery and totally essential for work. Ahem!

I got home and like the geek squad promised i was able to plug it in and use it right away. I'm still trying to get over the shinyness as i type.

p.s. My orkut fortune for the day say: You will inherit a large sum of money.
I hope so. It would help pay for my computer!

edited @ 1:02 am: I was not threatened into making the following statement. It was made voluntarily. Ahem i would like to state here that Raobharathrao was the first person i talked to on my new computer and he also very kindly helped me set up what the geek squad forgot to set up. He explained to me what the weird beeping noises were and told me how to get rid of them. He explained to me why gmail kept signing me out and he also reminded me of all the fun things i needed to download to make my new shiny friend feel like my old less shiny friend. Raobharathrao - take a bow. You are truly an extraordinary best Internet friend!

Tulsi ki maut. KYA????????????

I had heard from here that Tulsi Virani was going to be killed off Saah Bahu today. So very excitedly i watched and by god it was worth it. I don't know what show/channel they were trying to compete with tonight but it must have been huge. I was spell bound with how much crap they managed to pack into a 20 something minute show.

They started off with a super quick recap explaining how Tulsi was travelling with her mental institute friends in this truck which rolled off the road and then very tragically she died. They confirm this maut by showing us some bracelet type thing that belonged to her. Yeah right! Then the three scheming bahus cremate her and bring her ashes home. Their entrance was brilliant. See just before they walk in this huge gust of wind blows out all the diyas in the house. The rangoli starts flying off the floors but 400 year old Ba has seen this all before. She knows 'yeh bahut abshagun hota hain'. The three women walk in wearing white saris, their hair flying in the wind. It was like a special tribute to Zee horror show. Remember that crap? Once the Virani parivar finds out that the contents of the bright red pot one of them is carrying includes their favourite bahu [araraaaaaa] the face flashing and plate dropping begins and how!

Now Ekta Kapoor is the queen of dramatic face flashing. Let me explain exactly what i mean by face flashing. First we start with a close up of each member of the family. Then the close up gets bigger and bigger and bigger but all of this has to be from different angles with thunder and lightening in the background. I almost had a seizure at this point but I'm glad i survived to watch the rest.

Tulsi's photo with mala is then put up in no time and everyone has said their alvidas but just as they are about to let her aathma rest in peace Mihir makes his announcement. He wants to keep the ashes with him. Again everyone talks about how 'yeh bahut abshagun hota hain' but he has made up his mind. Flashback to when they first met, when Mihir died, when he rose from the dead much like JC [not Jackie Chan] then when he lost his memory, then when he regained his memory, then when Tulsi lost her memory, then when Tulsi regained her memory, then when he kicked her out of the house [for shooting her son who had izzat looted her bahu], when she went to jail, then when he begged her to come back, then when he sent her to the mental institution and many more of such wonderful scenes.

Break [Oooh the Iifa awards are on soon]

We're back. Ba is watering a plant in a way that only Ba can. Oh but its not just any plant - its the Tulsi plant which now looks like my mother's karipatta plant that i was supposed to water when she went out of town which i forgot to water except for that last day when i went to pick her up at the airport. Six months have passed supposedly and everyone in the house has forgotten that this is Tulsi's half year anniversary. Everyone except Ba. Ba can never forget. This is one of her two super powers. The other of course is immortality. [Think Bee gees] She looks around at the many feuds going on around the house and her heart is saddened.

Break [Ooh Shilpa Shetty is going to be honoured at the Iifa awards. Wtf for?]

And we're back. Mihir is also saddened by the things happening in Shanti Niketan and he cries out to Tulsi. Just then Tulsi's photo responds much like that talking mother in Hum Paanch [remember that crap?] and as a sign to Mihir [who is now so old he cant hear talking pictures] she drops her mala. Just then a woman lying in a hospital bed wakes up with 'Koi mujhe pukaara'. Now this person is either a mummy or its Tulsi bandaged up from head to toe [obviously after having had plastic surgery done by the kind doctor who did Parvati's [of Kahaani ghar ghar ki fame] plastic surgery. She demands that her bandages be removed right away and the nurses do not want to disappoint the viewers who are waiting with baited breath because its almost time for the end of the show and voila we get a sneak peak at her eyes. The new and improved Tulsi looks 20 years old. Quite apt me thinks for someone who's going to make a comeback into Shanti Niketan as a 200 year old Virani parivar bahu/rapist-son slayer.

The end.

Talk to me

If you’ve read this blog more than a couple of times you know by now how incredibly lame my life is. So my Statcounter has become a very intriguing cool puzzle type thing that I like to solve. I like to figure out who’s who and who knows who and how they got here and all that fun stuff and I have names for most of my visitors, either their real names or names I have decided will suit them. Like MNZ = mysterious New Zealand Person who is one of my oldest readers but is too shy to say hi. Say Hi!

Then there’s the mysterious person from

‘oforganicstrawberries.blogspot’ which I can’t access because it’s by special invite only and apparently I’m not special enough. Sniff.

So my point here is that I’d like to know you all so tell me your name/anonymous blog name/whatever you’d like me to call you, where you’re from, how you got here and why in god’s name you come back again and again. Okay?

Like that tour guide dude from ‘Honeymoon Travels Pvt Ltd’ likes to say “Let us introduce ourselves to ourselves.”

And now just for being so good I'd like to provide you with some eye candy.
Here's TREY from Channel V's 'By Demand'. Yeah that same crazy idiot who liked to call random restaurants in India and place super long orders for delivery and then right at the end he would give them his entire address ending with Hong Kong.

You know I'm really liking this eye candy idea a lot. I might just make it a regular thing with random hotties i find.

Yes. Do ask. I enjoy these wonderful enlightening moments we share.

Brittany: So Pri is 'Regards' like a common way for Indian people to end a conversation?

Pri: Sure. Every time I call my friends I'm like "Alright betch ill talk to u later... REGARDS" click

Later

B: So Pri… are there like gay people in India?

Receives strange look from Pri

B: Are there a lot? I mean do they like come out and stuff? Cause you guys are so traditional and stuff...

Later B hears me bitch about missing the Aerosmith concert.

B: Wait, Aerosmith performs in India??

I roll my eyes at her

So do they like sing in Indian?

Brittany and Gabby then attempt singing "I don't wanna miss a thing" in Indian accent

Later

B: Do they put curry in ice cream?

At this point I'm just head banging and not in a cool Aerosmith way, more like in a aiyoo raama type way.

B: No seriously Pri cause that one time S made me try some Indian ice cream and it had curry in it.

Pri: It did not

B: It did too

Research later reveals she was talking about some kesar pista ice cream from the Indian store.


Susan: Oh i wanted to tell you. We have these Indian neighbours. Very nice people. The kid's name is armpit.

Pri: It is not!

Susan: Oh do you know them?

Pri: No but no one names their son armpit.

Much research later i find out the kid is named 'Arpit'


Gabby: Oh Pri i had this India related question i had for you but i forget what it is.

Pri: Oh thank god!

Gabby: What is that you're wearing?

Pri: It's called a kurta

Gabby: A koota?

Pri: No and be careful how you say it. I explain to her the difference between kurta and kutta.

Gabby practices saying kurrrta for the next 10 minutes.


Linda: Ooh whats that? Did your mum send us some umpa lumpa again? [referring to my lunch box. Yes now that mother is talking to me again she went overboard and packed upma for me]


Random lady: So you're from India right?

I nod and mentally prepare myself to answer some elephant/snake charmer type question.

RL: So do they have currency in India?

Pri: [No betch we use mango leaves] Um yes

RL: Is it like regular paper money?

Pri: Yes except it isn't green.

RL: Ooh what is it called?

Pri: Rupees

RL: Rooh Pee?

Pri: Yes

RL: hmmm Wow! So how do you say your name? Prayah?

Pri: No. Priya

RL: Peeya?

Pri: No. Priya

RL: Oh so without the R?

Pri: No, with the R.

RL: So R is silent in your language?

Pri: No. It isnt. It's Prrreeya

RL: That's what i said in the beginning.

Who you calling a dumb ass?

So poor little Corey [who's the baby in the office] had the meanest rudest old man customer ever today. Unfortunately i didn't get to witness what happened but supposedly mean old man called poor little Corey [who we like to call 'curry' and sometimes when he acts all shy we call him 'chicken curry'] a dumb ass on more than one occasion. Can you believe that name calling bastard? Brittany was more than happy to make drawings of what she imagined took place.

And then Bill came and rescued poor Corey and he lived to tell the tale.

THE END

Feeling extra Desi

I watched like a total of seven hours of Indian Idol plus a couple of Hindi movies* online this weekend and I woke up this morning feeling very Desi. I even listened to my ‘Morning Raaga’ CD [that my dad just sent me] on my way to work.

And in keeping with my sudden burst of Desiness I wore a FabIndia kurta to work. Everyone loved it of course and I got asked a million times where it was from. “My mum bought it for me from India” was greeted with sad faces - “Ohhhh of course. There’s no way you could find something that pretty here” so I started telling people they could visit the Fabindia website.
Now after about 7 referrals I feel like I deserve a cut. I do no?

In other news it’s Monday and I’m grumpy. What’s happening with you?

*I recommend ‘Cheeni kam’. Watch out for the cute little kid [she dies at the end so don’t get too attached] and funny waiter who might be related to Vadivelu. Also watch out for the super dramatic scene at the end where you’re supposed to be all sad but you can’t stop laughing because Amitabh Bacchan is yelling ”Maa, mujhe sexy chahiye maa..”
Now that I’ve completely ruined the movie for you I do recommend that you watch it. It’s good really.

edited @ 4.53 pm: Statcounter tells me someone googled "cheeni kam amitabh chicken" and found my blog.
WTF?
Amitabh chicken?? You think that was a typo?

Also read this version of the Aerosmith concert. Much funneir than mine.

Ooh random question to fellow bloggers - Is it just me or is BLOGGER being a bitch? The last few times i've posted stuff i've ended up with four trillion drafts that i didnt ask for. Help!

Am i missing something?

NDTV: Search for the next Indian coach - Whatmore the only applicant for the job

BCCI: "Whatmore has a good chance"

KG avara Orkut challenge

KG needs your help, desperately.
Kindly do the needful.
Prizes [albeit lame and potentially unhygienic*] are being offered.
With the combined orkut experience of my blog readers i am quite confident we can do eet.

*same to same alva?

Aerosmith [post concert bitching]

So the Aerosmith concert just got over. I didn't go. BD was supposed to send me tickets to fly to Bangalore but those never arrived :(

Anyway these are the first reactions courtesy Karen.

karan: hi
priya: karen!
enri?
karan: i just came from the concert
it sucked
priya: wat???
really?
karan: yeah they sang ALL unknown songs
priya: huh?
bwahahahaha
karan: They didn't sing their best songs
sadistic bastards
priya: oho! karen how many aerosmith songs do u know apart from 'pink' and 'dont wanna miss a thing'?
karan: they didn't sing Janie's got a gun
quite a few...
they didn't sing Crazy
priya: how was the crowd?
karan: they crowd was so irritated
priya: how much were the tickets?
heeeee
karan: 1800/-
priya: how many people were there?
omg
karan: lots
what a rip off no?
priya: yes
so sad
heeeeee
karan: and they got off stage before 10
and steve tyler kept saying "namaste" like a bitch about a million times which pissed me off even more
priya: bwhahahahaha
wow wat a disaster
ask for a refund
karan: yeah people were doing that there
oh, also we saw "celebs" in the crowd
Sunita Rao - she was so bored.. she walked out
but yeah, she looked nice
but she's aunty types
"Pari hoon main... Mujhe na choona" girl
priya: sunita rao looked nicee??
i love pari hoon main
karan: yeah, she didn't look like a bhoot.
priya: omg i have got to make RBR search for that song for me
karan: she generally looks like a bhoot
priya: heeeeeeee
karan: i think i have that song.
priya: with her snake bindi
and her snake hair
priya: u do? karen send no
i havent heard that song in soooooooooooooooooooooooo long
karan: we were so tempted to ask her from where she makes money now
priya: bwahahahahaha
y didnt u?
karan: coz she was with a gym boy man
he had BIG biceps
priya: karen why have u sent me this forward about finding this kid? who is she and why is she so important? even david fuckin bekham is looking for her! i mean there are other missing kids too.
karan: ohh
i sent for spam value
also, we saw the band of boys who were like losers
priya: band of boys? bwahahahaha
they're all failed tv actors no?
spam value anthe!
bitch send me the song
karan: yeah, they came in front of the NDTV camera and started singing their songs.
priya: that one boy used to be in kanyadaan - this serial i used to watch on sony. it was nice
priya: omg was vijay mallya there too ?
in his special box?
karan: 'coz they didn't get to go in the VIP stand
i don't know
priya: when we'd gone to watch enrique [can u believe we went to watch enrique?] mallya was there
in this special vip enclosed section
while we had to stand with smelly people falling all over us
i remember that concert because i had just finished my viva for my lame project that same morning
this was final yr degree
i was the girl yelling "i had more fun at my freakin viva mr iglesias"
there were so many boys shouting "we love u enrique..."
we liked to mispronouce enrique. we liked to call him "enreek"
did u see any other celebs?
upendra? bengloor models? rjs?
karan: oh, nikhil chinnappa
another attention seeker
priya: k
i cant stand him
i could never watch mtv when my dad was in the same room cause chinappa would always say something perverted
karan: oh, but I hoped to see Pashmina Barker
I think she's hot
We went for Nikhil's sisters wedding and Pashmina was there in a low waist sari
aah...bliss
priya: who wears a sari to a concert?
karan: thu, no for wedding
priya: who's wedding betch?
karan: she wore low waist sari with bikini blouse
priya: oh heeee i must've missed that sentence
dont yell betch


And then there was Irbaz

Ir: ola
priya: enri?
how was the concert?
Ir: i didnt go, i cudnt be asked to stand in dust, sweat, with sticky gay lads
priya: heeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Ir: wud u go to the concert?
priya: sure i would
i'd go to any concert
i went to enrique
i went to bryan adams [not the second one]
i went to europhia
Ir: when he came with anna? i went to both bryan adams
priya: anna? like big brother? he only has a younger brother i think. he had this lame single. remember? the video was shot on some bus. wat's his name? oh julio iglesias jr i think
i went to this radio city 'search for the next big rock band' concert
i went to see antaragni
i love antaragni
Ir: oh they sing jingles now
priya: heeeeeee
really? so sad
there was this "mysore se aayi woh" song that i loved
Ir: hehe yeh
priya: that main singer's voice is so nice..

p.s Since the last post was about trees i have to show you this picture. I pass this tree every day and i giggle like a 12 year old because i think it looks like THE FINGER. So today i stopped and took a picture.

Also i'd like to dedicate what the tree represents to Aerosmith since they dissapointed Karen [and i'm sure all my other Bangaloreans] so much.

Tree stories

In tree news today I discovered this. Now I’m terrified that the next time I’m in Bangalore I won’t recognise MG Road. Where will all the dowwers doww? [If none of this is making any sense you didn’t click on the link.]

I have to admit I’m not really into nature. Wait that sounds terrible; what I mean is I’ve never been the watering my plants type. My dad still made me do it and I did it sulkingly. After all what was the maali being paid for?

Oh funny story about the maali. He liked to talk a lot except no one could understand a word he said because he spoke only Telugu. It was hysterical watching my dad and him try to communicate. He did a good job with the garden though because it turned out really pretty. In fact it was featured in a local newspaper recently and dad was thrilled.

Maali [and he has a name, I just can’t remember it] was very regular to work. He’d show up at the weirdest hours but he’d make it everyday. This one time I was talking to my friend on the phone and it was raining outside and I heard noises and I looked up and it was maali watering the plants holding an umbrella in the rain. It was like the funniest thing I’d ever seen. Okay it was not really THE funniest thing I’d ever seen but since when does one have to mean everything one says? A lot of times I just tell people what they want to hear in the hopes that they will leave me alone. Like if someone were to ask me if i thought they'd lost all their pregnancy weight I'd nod vigorously but that wouldn't necessarily mean that I meant it.

Now I can’t remember what the hell I was talking about. Oh yeah trees. They’re pretty no? Growing up we had 3 guava trees. One was the pink guava type and one was the white guava type [which my dad claims has no flavour. I liked it though with uppu khaara (chilli powder & salt)] and the third tree was kind of sad looking. It did give us plenty of shade. Ooh funny story. There were these school children who climbed the trees to try and steal guavas [which I didn’t really think was stealing] but anyway they did it all the time and they would thrown stones at the branches hoping a guava would fall down. This was normally around two thirty/threeish in the afternoon which apart from being school children freedom time was also dad’s afternoon nap time. So as you can guess this annoyed him. I heard that this one time [and I have absolutely no recollection of this having happened so I must have been really young] a bunch of school kids were climbing the tree and my uncle [who happens to be super mean] went outside and picked up their school bags which were on the ground and brought them inside the house. The poor kids were really scared when they found out and they begged him to give it back and they cried and he supposedly threatened to call the cops and one kid [again supposedly] started peeing his pants and then mean old uncle let them go. So that was my tree story.

Fun fact: The cricket ground at Kent had this big tree inside the playing area. It had been there forever and they got so attached to it that they decided to leave it standing. Every time a ball hit the tree it was an automatic boundary. Eventually the tree died and they did what anyone else would do … they planted a NEW TREE in its place.

[adorable tree story courtesy John Wright’s lovely book Indian Summers]

p.s Did you like my little tree drawing? I looked for a picture of a tree online but all the trees i found looked very i don't know western and i wanted a tree that looked like it was from Cubbon park.

I realise my tree doesn't really look like a tree. I took a poll around the office and i got ice cream? mushroom? feather? but no tree. Oh well this is the way i was taught to draw a tree so it will have to do for now.

Hmmm i wonder who i was in love with the week i made my email address...

I have this Yahoo account that i never use but occasionally I check in because i have one or two silly friends who insist on emailing me only on Yahoo. Today i tried to log in and of course i had forgotten my password so i tried to reset it, only i had to answer all these questions about myself first. I passed all the rounds until i got to the secret challenge question.

The question was "Who do i love?"

Now you have to remember i made this yahoo email address when i was 15 or 16 so i had to think back to 7 years ago and i did. I had this fun mini flashback and i tried entering in the names of all the boys i had had crushes on. There were a lot. I tried different spellings for each guy, special names i used for them when i discussed them with my friends.

Nothing worked.

Then just when i was about to give up i tried 'Rahul Dravid' and it let me change my password.

The end.

By the by i now have email for my blog so you can email me @ bengloorgirlindenver@gmail.com if you're too shy to leave a comment. Marriage proposals from fake Srilankan boys will not be entertained.

Soupie quote

"Ugh Pri, she is so weird. I mean i find it unbelievable that a girl her age has never been attracted to a guy. And its not like she could be gay either. She doesnt have the imagination to be homosexual."

See this is why i love my friends.

Bahadur - the man behind the crotch digging

Name: Bahadur

Occupation: Traffic coordinator par excellence - Airlines Hotel, Bangalore

Sexual orientation: Bi-curious

Hobbies: Has been known to dig crotch in public during daytime; key lota player in Tivoli's night time band called Just nim Ulsoor lake

Favourite tagline: Reach out and touch someone

Chief activity: Controlling the parking situation in the three main sections of Airlines Hotel namely:

1)Lovers & Dowwers section

2) Family & Friends section

3) Narcotic dealers/politicians/pimps and ho's section

so as to prevent persons in one section from mixing with another section.

Friends: Astrologer swami and Assistant waiters

Services: 1) Will do sholam shaab on request

2) Will locate waiters and direct them towards your car

3) Will locate assistant waiters and instruct them to remove glass lotas and chutney/sambhar cups from on top of your car now that you have decided to exit the premises.

4) Will prevent random parkers [who like to make use of Airlines Hotel's free parking while choosing to hang out in Java city, Bangalore club etc] from illegally parking on the premises.

5)Will blow whistle magnificently whilst providing splendid reversing instructions

Miss Universe wheeeeeeee

You can also read this here.

So Miss Universe was on last night. Did you watch? Did you? Did you? No???? Why? Cause you think it’s lame and derogatory to women? Or because its against your culture? You’re freakin insane! It is one of THE most entertaining shows ever!!!

I thrive on the clichéd speeches and the fake heart holding and the pretend confusion [read - stalling for time] while the translator is translating. I’ve watched these pageants since I was a kid; even before Rai and Sen won. It's also a fabulous way to discover new countries you never knew existed. Turks & Caicos – Really?

Also if you're lucky you might get to see someone trip. You wait with baited breath. It’s impossible you think, for all the 77 of them to make it across that super shiny floor in those high high heels and humongous dresses. Last night however was like winning the lottery. Miss USA didn’t just trip, she landed on her ass. It was the most hilarious thing I’ve ever seen. The crowd laughed and then booed when she was put through to the next round [sympathy vote? or maybe it was because every effing judge was an actor from some American TV show].

In the end Japan won the crown and i thought she completely deserved to win mostly becauase of her amazing ability to walk the way she did [Also because she was completely nuts.. but in a good way. She giggled and made strange faces but not like in a fake pageanty way] She did this amazing dance/walk thing during the swimsuit round while everyone else including Miss India walked like Zombies. [Seriously Pooja Gupta moved like a Zombie the whole time and then she suddenly turned around with this seductive look. It was absoulutely hilarious. It reminded me of the Zoolander look.] I’ll forgive her though since she was so pretty. And pretty people deserve another chance…you know like Paris Hilton. Free Paris Hilton! Free Paris Hilton!

Ooh also this year the National Costume round was wayyyyyyyyy more over the top than it normally is. It was like a Drag Show with wings and flowers and trees and rainbows. Remember this guy from America’s Got Talent? I swear I spotted him in the middle. And then again at the end.

Miss India unfortunately didn’t make it to the final 5 and we very sadly missed out on her public speaking skills. No, not because she speaks wonderfully and would have taken the crown but because she talks like a 12 year old. The final 5 didn’t disappoint though inspite of the fact that no one mentioned Princess Diana or Mother Theresa. Also what was with the Donald Trump booing? Not that I minded or anything but he owns the bloody thing!

Must Reads

I just read this. It makes my Love in Tokyo blah seem like a 12 year old's ramblings.

Fuck that. I just read this and this and this. The boy is brilliant!

edited at 8:28 pm: Awwwww and this too.

Sunday afternoon bliss

The thing that's brilliant about drive-through Starbucks is you could wake up, find your sunglasses and car keys and be there in less than 2 minutes. You could still be wearing your blue pyjamas with the mice pattern on it [all the mice are wearing underwear on their heads for some reason] and no footwear and no one would know. You almost feel guilty when you hear the practiced "Thank you for choosing Starbucks, order when you're ready" and you giggle because the voice you're listening to had to go to work today and you didn't. Then you remember you don't have to go to work tomorrow either and you giggle some more. Then you drive home whilst listening to 'Hey mama' by the 'Black Eyed Peas'. You realise this is an incredibly happy song and you don't listen to it often enough. Then you get home and decide to write about this very exciting Sunday afternoon experience. You realise you're incredibly odd but you don't care because you have a holiday tomorrow and then you drink your very hot coffee through a straw and continue to procrastinate.

Some questions for my boss

What are you hiding in your office?

Why do you lock your door every time you step out even if its just to rearrange the plant that's not positioned right?

Why do care so much about plant positioning?

Have you always been this annoying?

Do you know what it means to shut the fuck up?

Why do you love dead people's clothes so much?

Can you stop scratching your wannabe beard?

Would you see someone about that adult acne?

Could you not talk to me?

Can you read all the crap i write on the office email?

Why cant you answer your freakin cell phone?

Why haven't you fired me yet?

You know you cant tell jokes right?

You know you cant do accents right?

Can you stop with the hovering?

Do you think its a coincidence your initials are BS?

Could i get tomorrow off?

Why is your wife still with you?

How did you get her to marry you?

Could you fire that annoying slutty bitch who works in the corner?

Have you considered yoga to relieve your stress?

Have you considered cocaine?

Is that what you hide in your office?

Were you dropped on your head repeatedly as a child?

Why do you talk like that?

What's that sound you make at the end of all your sentences?

Did you eat Pad Thai again for lunch today?

Do you know what bhenchod means?

Do you know how ridiculous you sound?

Could i get a raise?

This is a new series called 'Some questions for ...' and you get to pick a person and ask them a bunch of questions you've always wanted to ask them and then you tag someone else.

I tag BM, Kaushik, Once Again and TGFI.

Letter of termination

bharath: Oho
priya: stop it
bharath: stop what?
priya: Don't say Oho. That's my line
bharath: too many restrictions
priya: so? what your problem IS?

OK i just read something funny. u want to see?
bharath: yes
priya: link

bharath: k it wasn't funny
priya: u read off so fast? don't lie, it was long
bharath: its not as good as yours
priya: oh please! its adorable

the whole walk thing and the man who gave him 2 rupees.

cho chweet.

i imagined the kind man was a Nepali gurkha who said shalaam shaab kinda like our Bahadur.
bharath: OK, if u say so
priya: paah
bharath: So if i quit will u give me a good reference?
priya: You're not quitting! Why would u quit?
bharath: I'm not..
priya: k
bharath: but if i do, will u?
priya: don't scare me like that

and let me remind u that u are under contract. i will sue your ass
bharath: You're weirdly funny
priya: i will sue u and take over Airlines

muahahahahahaha

I'm weirdly funny? andre?
bharath: umm its not in my name
priya: i don't care. i want Airlines
bharath: You're funny and ange sidenally weird
priya: heeeeeeeeeeeeee

thanks ree

i don't know why sudsuddenly from like the past two days full affection bandbidthu
bharath: yes.. in a platonic way
priya: heeeeeeeee
bharath: u didn't add that
priya: u know now, so laddat

u know me
bharath: heeeeee
priya: u know how i speak and what i mean

u copy me all the time
bharath: is it the calm before the storm?
priya: u copied laddat

u copied oho

u copied heeeeeeeee
bharath: sudsuddenly is mine
priya: and I'm flattered

i know

i get to copy u too

I'm taking back the best Internet friend post from karen

I'm giving it back to u
bharath: its a give and take fully platonic Internet friendship
priya: if you'll take it back
bharath: awww yes
priya: yay ill inform karen right away
bharath: lets point at him and laugh
priya: or do u want to? [she said evilly]

how does one spell evil ly?
bharath: damn I've never had to spell that one before
priya: its hard to spell no? and no its not the calm before the storm

There wont be any storm but if u keep whoring yourself out to my friends for no reason at all then i cant promise anything...
bharath: Ok, u should write an email like u did earlier to kb, soupie, karen and me
priya: OMG i should. i will

heeeeeeeeeeeeee

wait wait
bharath: OK

The mail read:

To Karen,

With deep regret i inform you that you have been fired from the post of my 'best Internet friend'. The original recipient of that title has been given back his title. This is due to his hard work, prompt deliverance of illegally downloaded music, constant comment leaving and his loffing at all my jokes. Karen you will still be my best office email buddy but that's it. I'm terribly sorry for your loss. There are things you can do to try and win back your post but let me warn you it is going to be very difficult due to the stiff competition you face from RBR P's BIF. Do not cry my dear Karen for u are loved...umm in like the Asrani household...also by Pari who makes your filter coffee.

priya: rbr pliss to be seeing
bharath: gmail?
priya: the Sindhi boy is going to weep

yes gmail

u like?
bharath: tat was evilly pri
priya: heeeeeeeeee
bharath: privilly
priya: we both learned how to spell a new word today
bharath: yes
priya: and u also just coined a new one
bharath: hehe...:)
priya: raobharathrao you're truly worthy of being Pri's Best Internet Friend

Here are your duties and responsibilities

ready?
bharath: yes
priya: finding various 'difficult to find' songs and emailing them to me so as to reduce my search and download time [which u already do so diligently] good boy!

chatting with pri whenever pri feels like chatting

leaving promptly and without any questions when pri is bored with you
bharath: OK so what do i do with the songs i have for kb?

lol
priya: counselling and advising pri when pri is in need of counselling and advising [all this must take place without any judging]
bharath: were u like a bitch in school?
priya: kb? don't mention other potential employers

me no like
bharath: have u seen Lindsay Lohan in Mean Girls?
priya: and no i wasn't as bitchy as i would've liked to be in school

i hadn't discovered my true bitching potential yet

in college however i was the sort of bitch you'd have been proud of
bharath: if u were u would have been a terrific bitch
priya: yes yes
bharath: I'm saying this in the best way possible
priya: we were totally like that in college i swear

heeeeeeeeeeeeee

OMG

and I'm saying this is the best possible way "say more things like that and I'll put u on my freakin will!"
bharath: awww that's nice..

what worldly possessions do u have...other than jimmy choos?
priya: um i own some diamonds, they're not very big but they're sparkly
bharath: heee
priya: also lots of bags and shoes

i mean lots

lots of clothes
bharath: i said other than the bags and shoes
priya: um perfume?
bharath: i like cologne
priya: shampoo

lots of shampoo
bharath: men's cologne?
priya: soaps

way too many

i need to throw some out
bharath: OK i read that u use 4 types
priya: why would i have men's cologne u idiot? i also own a laptop

u could sell it and eat in Airlines for like a whole week or something
bharath: but i don't want u to die and all
priya: if u only ate breakfast and tea time snacks, for example: maddur vada, jelebi etc

You'd have to skip all other meals

Oooh I also own lots of fun stationary
bharath: umm i get free food in Airlines
priya: ooh and a car

its kinda old though
bharath: which one?
priya: and it might break down in the middle of a road/water body

its a Hyundai accent 2 door

believe me its not cool at all

when i say 2 door people are like oh wow NICE but really it just takes more work to get in the back seat. ashte
same to same as a 4 door

and the 'check engine' light is on all the time. i wonder what it means...
bharath: heeeeeee
priya: and the windshield is cracked
bharath: is there a bullet hole as well? why cant MTV pimp your ride?
priya: oh wait, IT HAS NO AIR CONDITIONING

i would do anything to have them pimp my ride

How does one qualify to be pimped?
bharath: is it because you're Desi?
priya: heeeeeeeeee i don't know

maybe i should apply
bharath: u should
priya: and then if i don't hear back in like 24 hours i can call and be like y? is this because I'm Desi?

maybe mtvdesi can pimp my ride

oh wait MTV Desi stopped..randomly they stopped that channel
bharath: You think they'd put silk brocade on your seats coz your Indian?
priya: no silly
bharath: no...
priya: they'd use elephant and mango designs for the seat covers and tie dye seat belts

also there would be a place for incense sticks
bharath: they'd put a direct satellite on your roof.. so u can get Doordarshan on your 28 inch monitor
priya: heeeeeeeeeee not doordarshan

the yoga and meditation channel and they'd put a big OM in the front

also the names of every famous Desi person in Amreeka painted across the windows...you know Sanjaya, Appu, Naveen Andrews, that surma wearing dude from Heroes, Dr. Sanjay Gupta etc..

Anyway all is well in terms on my internet best friend. Now all i need is a gay best friend.

Mother watches TV

Since we're on the subject of mother i have to tell you a funny story. She called me at work recently and i always talk real fast when she calls because she likes to tell me the most unnecessary things and she takes forever to finish her stories. Getting to the point has never been her strength. As soon as she says "So today on Oprah.." or even worse "I was watching Dr.Phil today and there was this .." it's always my cue to say "Ma i really need to go." Anyway she called me the other day,

"Do you have a pen around? Start writing" and she proceeded to spell out the first and last name of some random person. Then she gives me his phone number. "This is the name and telephone number of the person who will be coming to repair the taps today. I just thought you should have this information in case you come home and find me murdered. At least you'll know who did it."

Now what does one say to that?

I tell her to stop watching those terrible Lifetime movies all the time but she wont stop.
And today to my great amusement mother witnessed her first gay kiss on TV. We were watching 'Brothers and Sisters', well i was watching and she was watching/napping. Anyway she woke up right in time to see the kiss. I turned to her to see her reaction. "What??????? Oh my God! I thought he was going to hit him. But weren't they just fighting? What nonsense and all they show on TV these days!" and then she giggled.
Oh and sorry to disappoint you TGFI but i did not go to the lunch thingy. Although they did send me a gift card from Target. Turns out the party was also sort of a going away party for us. Oops.

Mere paas Maa hain

Mother and i celebrated a late Mother's day today since last weekend didn't really work for either of us. Its always hard though finding her a present.

"Why did you spend so much money?" when i bought her this pretty chain last year or "You know i don't use much perfume" when i bought her 'Clinique Simply'. But a daughter's got to do what a daughter's got to do to keep her mother from smelling of Elizabeth Taylor White Diamonds. Anyway this year i figured I'd take her to watch a movie. 'Georgia Rule' looked appropriate for a mother daughter date since the previews showed that it was about 3 generations of women. I figured nice family drama, enough scenes for mother to cry and happy ending so she'd be nice to me the rest of the weekend. Turns out the grandmother swore a lot, the daughter was a drunk and the grand daughter liked to give Mormon boys blow jobs in boats. Mother seemed uncomfortable and eventually fell asleep. I watched intently mostly because Lindsey Lohan's white wardrobe was to die for. Then we got ice cream and came home. Not too terrible eh? Except right after mother got all mad at me because i refused to go with her to this lunch thingy on Sunday.

"We'll just go for lunch and come back really soon."

I wasn't falling for that. You see mother likes to talk. A lot. And most times she has a captive audience. So Desi lunch parties are her favourite outings.

"Well I'm not going to your friend's house for dinner if you don't come to the lunch thing with me."

Mother's good with the blackmail. Only this time it didn't work and i called my friend and cancelled the dinner thing. And since when is Sunday social visiting day? What happened to just watching TV and sleeping?

"Oh and next week my friend has invited us to her son's graduation party. We must go. This is the same son you think is weird."

"Gay ma, not weird. And i don't think he's gay. I know he is. And its rude to say weird."

"Hmmm you know so much about all these things. Sometimes i think you are gay."

"Yes mother you've told me before. And i told all my friends. They think its hilarious."

"So you're not coming to the party then?"

"Which one?"

"The gay one."

"Heeeeeeeeeeeee. The gay one? No mother i will not be accompanying you to that one. I won't know anyone there."

"Fine then. Don't come. Don't come with me anywhere....Put the food in the fridge." and she stomped off to her room.

End dramatic scene

Except it wasn't the end. A few minutes later I hear "Sunday 12:40 pm...Sunday 12:40 pm...Sunday 12:40 pm" over and over again.

"What are you doing with the answering machine ma?"

"This silly thing always says the wrong time. Come fix it."

"Huh? I don't know how. And its working just fine."

"Fine. Don't help. Ill do it all by myself." And so i helped her fix it. Then she wanted me to show her how i did it. I couldn't remember since i had just pressed random buttons until it said the correct time.

"I don't remember what i did ma."

"What I'll do next time then?"

I don't know. Try not to break it this time."

"Paah. I cant ask you anything also. Good night."

Now end scene.

I'm sure she'll try to convince me again to go with her tomorrow and I'll probably end up going. At least I'll have something to blog about. The last time i went to one of those parties this lady was wearing only the top of her salwar kameez. It didn't have slits on the sides so i guess she thought it would pass for some sort of modern dress but it looked horrendous and all the other aunties were totally giggling and gossipping about it.

How does one keep one’s pants from falling off one’s ass?

I recently bought these pants. They’re jeans actually except they’re trouser style, you know with side pockets. I love them. They make me look all tall and they fit perfectly; until today. Suddenly they’re falling off. So I figured I’d just wash them and they’d go back to fitting perfectly. It works on all my other jeans. Only it didn’t work. I can’t even use a belt because it doesn’t have that um feature. My only option now is to pull it up every 5 seconds or put on like 5 pounds. I guess my only real option is to throw it in the back of my closet never to be seen again. Or wait. They could be my buffet pants. They cannot & will not be maternity pants [as someone very kindly suggested. BITCH!] because that is not happening. EVER.

I'm missing half an eyebrow but its okay because the Black eyed peas gave me a free third eye. Also i think i might be like that lady from 'Medium'

only not as ugly and with better fashion sense and minus the terrible voice. Okay im not like her at all. It's just this dream i had. [Screw Blogger and it's word limit on titles.]

Bitch took my eyebrow.

I got my eyebrows waxed today. It wasn't pleasant. But neither is threading and that's not an option anymore since threading aunty moved. Inconsiderate whore.
Brittany attempted to thread my eyebrows the other day. She didn't do a very good job. Anyway today i left the salon feeling all happy. Then i got home and washed my face and realised she took off way too much towards the middle. I stared at my face for a while. It looked quite obvious. Then again i realised if i didn't focus on the middle of my forehead it looked alright.

The middle of ones forehead is where the third eye is located right? I recently discovered this song on my Black eyed peas CD. Its called third eye [i think]. But the mysterious part is that there is no record of the song anywhere on my CD cover. It doesn't even say bonus track. If i play the last track i hear "Lets get retarded" and right after that the mystery song starts.But it doesn't have its own song number and unless u listen to the whole CD u wont hear it. Isn't that weird? I wonder if its like a gift or something for listening to the entire CD. Its kinda nice the song.

I read this a couple of days ago and i checked out the author's website. Its funneh. And i remember watching that movie she made a while ago. I had liked it. So i called Borders today to see if they'd gotten the book and they put me on hold to go check. They said they had just received the shipment t but that it was still unopened. They promised to set one aside for me. So I walked in this evening and went straight to the counter to collect it. I felt very important. The lady was like "Oh yes i remember that name. We just got your book in today." And then she handed it to me. It was bright yellow. I liked it already. I'm super excited to read it now.

I had this weird dream last night well technically it was this morning. I witnessed a road accident in the dream. I didn't get hurt or anything but i witnessed it and i was sort of creeped out. Also it felt like it had just happened and then i woke up right away and had to get ready for work. And on the way i almost had an accident. My tyres screeched real loud and my bag rolled right off the seat and all it's one thousand contents fell onto the mat. I'm still missing my Burt's beeswax chap stick. Luckily i carry more than one. I can't not have it with me at all times. I don't know how i survived without it for 19 years.

When you know the notes to sing...You can sing most anything!

So I guess I've been living under a rock [couch] of some kind. [See this is where that line thingy across my words would've looked so cool. See how he did that?. How does one do that???? SHOW ME!] Anyway somehow i have managed to miss one of the funniest episodes of Will & Grace ever. Luckily the kind people at CW2 were showing it tonight. And some other kind person has risked going to jail and all and uploaded it on You Tube. Part 1, part 2, part 3. Watch it now. They're probably going to take it down soon seeing that its illegal and all. Oh and it helps if you've watched 'The Sound of Music'.

When i was in the 7th grade my school put up a production of 'The Sound of Music'. I remember the hours of choir practice. I rememeber the hideous choir uniform. [This grey balloon skirt with some pink puffed sleeved shirt if you must know. Ugh!] I remember every freakin line from the play; all this from watching Aarti and Gauri [the two Maria's] bellow them over and over again. For the record i thought Gauri made a far better Maria. I can never forget Aarti's constipated rendition of "The hiiiiiiills are aliiiiiive.........with the saaaooound of muuuuuuuuuuusic" to which we all went "aaaaaaaaa aaaa aaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa"

My dad's favourite song from the movie was "Edelweiss" and he'd always try to sing it in this super deep voice. Heeeeeee. Mum's favourite was "These are a few of my favourite things." and mine was "High on a hill was a lonely goatherd Lay ee odl lay ee odl lay hee hoo" and "So long farewell"
Do you have a favourite?

Warning: This is a wannabe blog post

I have a new love ya’ll – tortilla chips. They’re crunchy without being overly crumbly with just the perfect amount of salt. People around the office have been eating them with some weird boiling cheese thing but I like mine plain. Mmmmm. *Pri thinks happy thoughts*
So did anyone do anything fun this weekend? I didn’t have to work this Saturday so I watched 3 movies back to back on the USA network which is not a channel I normally watch. Oh the joys of the TV guide channel!!! Let’s see I watched ‘Notting Hill’ for like the billionth time. Don’t you love the roommate guy with the artistic tees? And then I watched ‘Patch Adams’ which I had never seen before for some reason and then ‘Love actually’. I think I should watch ‘Love actually’ more often. It makes me hate people a little less. The little boy in it is just so darling.

p.s. I was just wondering [no real reason] if one can be arrested for dancing and driving?

I just ordered these super cute checks. You like?

Food glorious food

So I read this recently and I had this food flashback that I must must share with you. If you live in Bangalore and have not tried any of these things in any of these places do so NOW. And if you’re planning on visiting Bangalore any time soon do as many of these places as possible. Its not like there's much sight seeing to do in Bangalore anyway. I planned to do all of this the last time I went home but really 10 days isn’t enough.

Chilli babycorn - Nagarjuna Savoy. My first waiter crush when I was 14 happened to happen here. [I have heard rumours about an afternoon male stripper joint in the same parking lot. Unfortunately I cannot confirm this.]
Baby corn Manchurian - Shiv Sagar [No seriously. It’s really good.]
Sweet corn chicken soup - Rice Bowl [My favouritest restaurant as a kid. The quality of food is not the same anymore but nobody makes sweet corn chicken soup like Rice Bowl.]
Crackling spinach - Mainland China [Turns out anything deep fried in grease is delicious. Even spinach.]
Deep fried Corn kernels - Beijing Bites
Mangalore style prawns - Unicorn [must be eaten with rice and rasam]
Chicken momos at this place somewhere in Banaswadi. [My computer just offered ‘Bonsai’ as a spell check option for Banaswadi. Heeeeeeee!] Soupie, do you remember what that restaurant is called? Also make sure you ask for take away or delivery. It’s not a very um social place [unless you’re a hooker or a hooker in training. Yeah long story.]
Schezuan Prawn [extra spicy] - Mainland China
Masala Dosa - Chalukya [Remain seated in your car to enjoy the whole experience. They will bring you this wooden board that acts as a make shift table. Lots of fun.]
Masala Dosa - Airlines Hotel [also known as Tivoli Garden. Do watch out for crotch digging parking attendant.]
Filter kaapi - Airlines Hotel [Tell them you know RBR to claim 50% discount.]
Gulab Jamun - Bhagatram Sweets [Try not to scrutinize the cooking area.]
Badam milk [cold] - Anand Sweets
Kaju Pista Kalash - Tiwari Brothers Sweets
Motichoor Ladoo - Tiwari Brothers
Chocolate Mousse Cake - Sweet Chariot
Pineapple cake - Taj Cake shop
Chilli Chiken and Chicken Biryani [Andra style] - RR/Amravati/Nagarjuna/Bheemas.[Andra Food anywhere is delicious]
Pista ice cream in a paper cup [must be eaten with the tiny wooden spoon it comes with] - Joy ice cream available at any Nice Iyengar Bakery. [Nice because all Iyengar bakeries are nice.]
Tutti fruity bread - Iyengar Bakery
Chicken kaali mirch - Richies
Paneer korma - Shanthi Sagar
Chow chow baath - Shanthi Sagar
Moosambi Juice - Bowring stall
Onion samosa - MCC canteen
Fresh Donut - MCC canteen [available at 11 o’ clock sharp give or take a class]
Alu Tikki - outside the Janata Bazaar on Nandidurga Road
Mocha cake - Coffee Day
Frappe - Coffee Day
Pineapple passion - Corner House
Peach Melba [Without the peaches; ask only for the juice they keep the peaches in] - Corner House
Bhel Puri - Outside Plaza theatre. [If you’re North Indian Yes he puts carrots in it. Stop being a snob and try it.] I have to state here my hatred for bhel puri with potatoes. WTF? That is not acceptable. They sold it at my school canteen. Terrible stuff.

Any suggestions?

edited @ 12:58 am: Tiramisu at Painted Platter. [Thanks Chinkleton]
Also if you've ever been to a Muslim wedding in Bangalore and Zacharaya has catered - their Mutton biryani and pepper chicken. Mmmmm Mmmmm Mmmmm!

I have a feeling this list will be edited a lot in the next few days.

Your WHAT in a box?

I've been waiting for You Tube to post my video here. They told me it would appear shortly. Its been more than shortly and i dont see it. So you will just have to click on the link to watch it. Okay? And if the video appears eventually then that will be fantabulous but as of now im running out of patience and i need my sleep.

I watched this today. I know. Very mature. I happened to watch it at work. I know. Very professional. [By the by that is JT in the video. You're welcome Kb.]

Attention all anonymous readers [yes YOU] and Lady who tries to market Mary Kay products in the comment section of my blog: Today for the first time i heard the word 'sleuth' being said out loud. Now i am aware of the existence of such a word [Thank you Nancy Drew] but I've never actually used it mostly because I've never heard anyone else use it and honestly until today i wasn't really sure how to pronounce it. I still don't see myself needing to use it ever.
I'm sure there are more such words I've read in books that i haven't the slightest idea how to pronounce and I'm trying to come up with one right now but my mind is drawing a blank. Anyone? [Yes and i ask because i have such a participative audience. Say something betch!]

New taps, the gay pride parade, moving, staying kuwaanra and chat room predators

Really, i couldn't have managed to talk about more unrelated topics if i tried.

My mother just randomly asked me today if i chat with strangers in online chat rooms. I'm guessing she's been watching her Lifetime movies again. After i had finished laughing i told her no. "Well then why are you always on the computer?" she wanted to know. I tried to explain to her that there's gtalk and orkut and blogs. Gtalk she sorta knew about. "Oh that thing Soupie always calls you on. Why didn't she call you today?" I explained to her how we both needed to be online for that to happen. Orkut also she was familiar with. When i first joined orkut i showed her profiles of my old classmates she knew well and of course gay cousin who doesn't know he's gay yet's fun profile and funner album. This blog thing however she was confused about. I reminded her of that link i had sent her to Ammani's blog. "Remember all those short stories you read that you liked so much? Well that was from a blog. And there are different kinds of blogs you know about cricket, about different issues, personal stuff and some made up stuff like Ammanis's stories." Her next question was if i wrote one. I lied. I don't want her reading my blog ever. "But why don't you have one? You're my daughter. You should be able to write" she said sounding very disappointed. I hated to disappoint her but i have a strict no family policy when it comes to my blog. Well at least she was now reasonably satisfied that i wasn't chatting with child predators online. I did remind her that i was not a child anymore but parents are brilliant at ignoring that line every single time.

Okay it's announcement time. Drum roll..........We're moving!!! And I'm delighted. I've liked Colorado just fine but i knew it could never be home. I'm a city girl. I like my tall buildings and noisy traffic. Where i live i see mountains and horses on the way to work. I'm not lying. Also just now on the local news the headlines was about how they found some germs on some balls at a Local fast food chain's play area. I mean just the fact that that made the headlines got on my nerves and so I'm super duper happy that we're moving to Houston. Hopefully the headlines will be a little less lame and a little more dramatic there. I visited there one summer when i was 16 and i worked at the local Dairy Queen. Now before you get excited this was not that type of Dairy. Its an ice cream place where they have the yummiest Georgia Mud Fudge blizzards [the only kind of blizzard i like]. That's another reason why I'm ready to move. No more effing snow. Ive had enough. Just this last winter was plenty for one lifetime. I hear it rains a lot in Houston though which i like. The heat i can deal with. There's always air conditioning. We're not moving for a couple of months though but i hope I'll still be here for the gay pride parade. Brit said she'd take Gabby and me to go see it this year. I'm so excited. Also Britt's five St. Bernard's will be accompanying us. Supposedly the St. Bernard rescue has their own float and all the dogs dress up as transvestites.So much fun. I cant wait. You know what else i cant wait to do? Tell my mum about this exciting parade ill be going to. Bwahahahahahaha. [Brit if you're reading this - No telling anyone at work yet about me moving. Okay? Except Gabby. She knows.]

Moving on... I got new taps for my sink yesterday and so far the water has been flowing very nicely. In the past however I've had taps do all sorts of strange things to the water. I've had it come out all high pressury and squirty. Other times I've had it get all lifeless and drippy and occasionally i have encountered the gushing waterfall. Luckily i have no such problems with my new taps. However i now find that the cold water and the hot water aren't mixing well enough to form the required amount of warmness i need to wash my face with. Its like i can feel the cold part of the water and i can feel the hot part of it but honestly i shouldn't be able to feel them individually. Its sort of like drinking coffee and you can taste the coffee, milk and sugar all individually but not together. Is any of this making any sense to you or do you just think I'm a complete nutcase?

In other exciting news i got my hair cut on Saturday and it feels all bouncy and shiny. I like! Unfortunately the nice lady who cut it smelled like cigarettes and some type of dog. Not cool.

If anybody from ABC is reading this blog I'd like to say Thank you! This Thursday you gave us not one but TWO whole hours of Grey's Anatomy. You didn't have to do that you know. It was just a normal TV week. Its not like you were competing with the Academy Awards coverage on a rival network or anything. It wasn't even Season finale week and yet you were kind enough to do this. I appreciate your thoughtfulness. Now will you please make 'Notes from the Underbelly' an hour long hour show? Please? Pretty please?

In more exciting news from this weekend i was waiting for 'Koffee with Karan' to start [dont you envy my happening social life?] on the very fascinating Star One channel and they always play these strange songs that no one's ever heard before from B grade movies that no one's ever heard of before to kill time before show time. So anyway this song begins. It's from the movie 'Jaan' starring Twinkle Khanna and Ajay Devgan and the first line is "Shaadi ke baad mein marjaauu to gham nahinnnnn........kuwaanra nahi marnaaa' and after laughing hysterically for five minutes i realised i know lots of people who probably think like that. Sad. I know. Oh well i guess death isn't a terrible option if you're named TWINKLE.

Have yourselves a great week!
Ta.

p.s. Is it okay to think Ugly betty's geeky non boyfriend is hot? This is him looking not so geeky. And worse is it terribly inappropriate/illegal to think Ugly betty's kid cousin is hot? I'm totally imagining him much older of course. I looked for a picture of the kid to link here but im too ashamed to post it. He's like twelve.