And what about the MTV Roadies auditions? What if they visit Chandigarh next season? Or even better JALANDHAR? You cant do this to me MTV DESI. You cant!!!
Soupie: I told her to put it on orkut but she refuses.
Pri: Um did u see the cleavage? There's no way good leetle Kb would put that on public display.
A few hours later I'm talking to Kb:
Pri: Hi model/seductress!
Kb: Thu katthe!
Kb: Guess what I'm doing right now?
Kb: I'm photo shopping my cleavage.
Pri: Bwahahahaha. How does one do that?
Kb: It can be done.
2 minutes later i'm looking at new and improved photo [minus cleavage] now appropriate for parental viewing.
What would good leetle Indian girls do without technology???
Going back to Soupie and my earlier conversation. We practiced a fake future conversation between Soupie's dad and Soupie about her choice of project topic. The topic has to do with homosexuals and we both know her dad will ask lots of questions and probably try to persuade her to change the topic. She frets while i giggle and then i remember i have to tell her something very important.
Pri: OMG Soupa i almost forgot to tell u...You remember Adnan Sami right?
Soupie: Uh ya. Why? Did he die?
Pri: No no. He just lost like over a hundred pounds. I saw this interview on NDTV and he's looking all thin. I mean not thin thin but like 1/5th of his size.
Soupie: Shut up!
Pri: Really. Go search for a picture.
Soupie: Um Pri he still looks the same.
Pri: Huh? No no go search for new pictures
Soupie goes to google images and types in 'Adnan Sami'. Referring to first picture: OMG!!!!!!!! Wait this cant be him. Pri i actually think Adnan Sami is hot!!!
Soupie: I dont think its him though. Is it?
Pri: No no. This is some other guy.
Soupie: Oh OK. I'm typing in 'Adnan Sami thin' under google images.
A minute later i hear her almost choking.
Pri: What happened? Did u find him?
Soupi: No no. But go to Google images and type in 'Adnan Sami thin' and look at the second picture.
Pri: OMG! WTF happened???
You know what to do if u want to see what we saw.
Oh and after some research i did find this picture. Who knew eh?
For the cynical bitch that she was [always rolling her eyes at lovey dovey couples and making sarcastic comments when someone mentioned marriage or boyfriend trouble] she could be unbelievably mushy. It was on her favourite TV show that she heard the Senator tell Kitty he loved her and right then she realised nobody had ever said that to her and meant it. For a minute she felt sorta sad for herself and then she watched more TV and was happy again.
Sunday morning was spent in Church [being that it was Easter and all]. Within the first half hour I was contemplating converting to Scientology. High pitched singing for 30 minutes straight with the intoxicating smell of Elizabeth Taylor White Diamonds [courtesy aunty dearest] in the air just isn’t how I envision spending my Sunday mornings. After that we went to lunch at this sad excuse for a Chinese restaurant. Look I took a picture of the ceiling for you. I felt like I was on the sets of the Rajkumar video “If you come today…….its too yerrrrlleeee…..”
The afternoon was spent napping [don’t you just love Sunday afternoon naps?] while gay cousin who doesn’t know he’s gay yet watched ‘Take the lead’ on random channel. I wondered if I should inform him that we did have LOGO but I didn’t want to insult his um masculinity. In the evening mother made us watch a Jesus video with Bharatanatyam dancers in it. [Don’t ask where she found it] The narrator in this um interesting video had a slightly orgasmic voice. I rolled my eyes at the preachy parts and snickered at inappropriate moments.
Monday was the day I was dreading. The original plan was to drive downtown to the science museum [to look at old stuff and watch an IMAX movie] and then to the city’s famous aquarium. Don’t laugh. There isn’t much else to do where I live. This idea was quickly dismissed by gay cousin who doesn’t know he’s gay yet: “We have the biggest aquarium and the biggest IMAX theatre in my city.” This made me very happy because honestly one more trip to that museum and I would’ve shot myself. We decided to drive to Estes Park instead which is this little town with lots of pretty views and overpriced gift shops and the one famous hotel where ‘The Shining’ was shot. I took a picture of this car. I still haven’t figured out what all the fuss is but everyone around was taking pictures and I wanted to seem interested.
Mother insisted I pose for pictures with the visitors near the fountain and near the tree and near the car and near the mountains. I looked around for a sign from God, just something to show me that he didn’t completely hate me. [Hey I did go to Easter service and all] and then I saw this.
Everything seemed to be going great for a while. I sipped on my coffee and helped mum help aunty do some touristy shopping when gay cousin who doesn’t know he’s gay yet decided to announce really loud to everyone that he was on the lookout for a teddy bear with Estes Park or Rocky Mountain National Park written on it. “For my collection” he said. I kid you not! This of course made me burn my tongue and I tried to look away casually while trying to stifle my laughter and tears while my mother nudged me [very obviously] and whispered [very loudly] to behave decently around the guests. I then proceeded to assure gay cousin who doesn’t know he’s gay yet [with the best acting performance I had put on all weekend] that I would keep my eyes open for the requested stuffed animal.
Mother then suggested we go to one of the shops where we could dress up in ancient costumes and take funny pictures. Gay cousin who doesn’t know he’s gay yet was very excited by this proposition and decided he wanted to dress up as a cowboy and as a native Indian. He was very convincing as the latter. Mother, aunty and random lady who decided to tag along for weekend trip each chose their outfits and tried over and over again to persuade me into being a good sport. I refused politely each time and sat down comfortably to watch the show [and make sarcastic comments …. all in my head of course.] Store lady [who deserves an entire blog post of her own] played director. She spoke very slowly and very softly. She informed everyone that she had been doing this for 12 years. She wanted us to decide [from the display on the wall] what type of pictures we all wanted and then inform her ONLY when EVERYONE was ready. Gay cousin who doesn’t know he’s gay yet in his eagerness to dress up forgot about this highly critical instruction and explained to her in great detail ‘the look’ he was wanting [a little before everyone else was ready.] Store lady after making a mental note of his look now assumed everyone else was ready. She then tapped her pen on the table impatiently taking deep breaths. Her “Has everyone decided yet?” was acknowledged by hmms and haaans making store lady more and more agitated. Random lady who decided to tag along for weekend trip sang “Where’s the potty tonight?” while she tried on various dresses and hats. The song has been stuck in her head since watching KANK a couple of days ago [requested at the Indian store by gay cousin who doesn’t know he’s gay yet.] She has been informed that it is PARTY and not POTTY and to her credit she has tried to sing it both ways but it sounds exactly the same. I was of course greatly amused by all this and wished one of my friends were around to watch the afternoon’s entertainment live with me while also helping me scrutinize the slutty costumes.
On the drive back home random lady who decided to tag along for weekend trip sang her new favourite song over and over again until finally I decided it would be best if I just put in the cd. I hoped this way at least her annoying voice would blend in with the singer’s voice. Unfortunately she now sang even louder and danced a little too and gay cousin who doesn’t know he’s gay yet snapped his fingers to the music and made strange neck movements [me thinks inspired by the Jesus video with Bharatanatyam dancing in it.] Random lady who decided to tag along for weekend trip pointed at random objects on the way and asked “What that be over Dey?” to which I answered “um pipe, pumpkin patch and mountain biker.” We stopped to take pictures of pretty lake. Nice?
And then we went home and ate lots of food. [Random lady who decided to tag along for weekend trip happens to cooks very well.] Then some friends came over [S claimed that she saw gay cousin who doesn’t know he’s gay yet checking out her husband] and we drank some wine and life was good again.
Mother weeps from beginning to end of movie. Feels the need to point out obvious scenes and dialogues to her sister sitting next to her. Mother is concerned and enquires loudly if the "so many foreigners" present are able to follow the movie.
Gay cousin who doesn't know he's gay yet laughs at appropriate moments [even at gay joke *gasp*]
After the movie:
Random friend lady who tagged along for weekend trip squeals at the sight of snow [supposedly her first sighting] and insists on her photo being taken next to the car while holding a ball of snow. More squealing follows when she discovers snow is in fact cold.
Random friend lady reacts to the movie : "Oh oh oh wattay byuuuuuuuuuuuutiful movie. I was want to show my daughter first but then suddenly they show off the naked scene and i was like oh no how i show my daughter now? She is only a 15 year old."
Gay cousin who doesn't know he's gay yet shows off knowledge of Mira Nair films. Makes comment about 'the sex scene' in all her movies.
Mother ponders again if the 'so many foreigners' present understood all the Indian jokes. "Nobody laughed when the American girlfriend called the boy's parents by their first names and when the nurse was struggling to fold the Saree."
Gay cousin who doesn't know he's gay yet thinks this is a good time to bitch about the movie going experience in Bangalore and how expensive multiplexes are getting.
Aunty tries to recollect the name of the "other Indian lady" who makes Indian-English movies. Someone thinks her name starts with D.
I offer 'Deepa Mehta'.
Aunty insists its Deepthi Naval. I don't argue.
Mother of course has to say everything that has to be said. "No no Deepthi Naval is an actress. She used to act with that short fellow always no. Remember?"
Gay cousin who doesn't know he's gay yet wants to make stop at liquor store to pick up wine.
Mother insists on telling everyone her liquor store story. "One day i was making cake and i wanted some rum for my cake. So i went to the liquor store but i was very embarrassed. Ive never been to a liquor store you know. So anyway i went in and there were two ladies at the counter so i was like Abbhaaaaaa thank god and i asked them off for the rum. I explained it was not for drinking purposes and only for cake. Then i came outside hoping nobody i knew saw me and mistook off why i was coming out of a liquor store but then suddenly"................... laughs uncontrollably for the next ten minutes unable to complete her story.
Gay cousin who doesn't know he's gay yet cant take the suspense anymore: "You come out and then? and then?"
I kindly inform everyone [very proud of myself for not laughing even though gay cousin has just said "come out"] that mother had walked out of the store and then slipped on a patch of ice.
Aunty makes joke about how people must've assumed mother was in fact a big drunkard. Mother who has barely gotten over her first laughing fit bursts into uncontrollable laughter all over again. Gay cousin who doesn't know he's gay yet giggles and holds tummy.
p.s. I loved the movie. It's shot beautifully. Tabu is brilliant and the music is brilliant. I'm so going to go see it again.
This post marks my first century. *Lifts bat and waves at crowd* [Three's a crowd right?]
You know how you can maybe guess a way you might die? No? Well I just thought of one. Road rage. I can be a bitch on the road. Especially If I’m late, which is always. I hate the m*****f***** who won’t let me overtake. Look @$$f*^k either slow down so I can get in front of you or hurry the fuck up so I can at least change lanes. Don’t just sit there and drive along side me. Ugh! And old man in the tiny car the slow lane would be to the right. Yes, the right. And don’t drive at 20 miles an hour on a 65mph road [which means you can do 70 without getting a ticket which means you should be doing 70 at least] and then glare at me when I almost knock you off the road. Ugh! And biker dude with lots of leather I expect you to at least to be doing 80 not 50 and what’s with the glaring at every signal eh? And what’s with the bloody signals anyway? At least in India I knew exactly how many seconds I had to wait. Am I just expected to make a rough estimate of how many seconds I have to locate and apply my lip-gloss? Ugh! And taxis. Wtf is wrong with you? Do you have to look exactly like cop cars? Okay I better stop with the ranting. I think I just saw my mother walk in with ‘the visitors’ which includes gay cousin who doesn’t know he’s gay yet. WTF are they doing at work?????? Oh god I knew I should’ve gotten two coffees this morning.
It’s been an uneventful day at work so far and I’m very bored. I went over to B’s box [it’s a cubicle but I like to call it her box] and wrote nonsense all over her business cards for a while. Just before that I painted my nails with ‘Me so happy with this colour’. Yes it’s a real name and I like to say it over and over again. Try it. Unfortunately I had put lotion on my hands right before I painted them and so they look really strange…like a mini oil painting or something.
I wish new girl was weird. But she’s normal and I haven’t found anything to hate about her yet. Boo hoo!
Gay cousin [who doesn’t know he’s gay yet] and aunty and maybe one other person are coming over tomorrow. I get to go pick em up from the airport at an unearthly hour. They’re going to stay over for 4 whole days and two half days. It will be very um interesting. So watch this space over the next few days for strange events and stranger conversations.
B just asked me if I wanted to run in a field of flowers with her. I’m worried she might be going crazy again. She’s also wearing black and white sun glasses and they match her black and white shirt. So see. It has to be true. Only a person going crazy would do that. Omg they’re playing ‘Right here waiting for you’ on the radio and people have started singing along. Help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
In other weird news this week [that I learned from the television which is where I learn most things] this one lady got really sick after she ate her dog’s contaminated food. She seemed normal otherwise. The scary part though is that she totally reminds me of someone I know. Omg I think the mafia just walked in and no this isn’t a Greg Chappal joke. These two men are very large and they’re dressed in black and have strong accents. I wonder if something dramatic will happen. Can you imagine if it does and Richard Marx is playing in the background?
He should never be allowed into India again. B*$t@^& *iT@#!!!
To celebrate this joyous occasion i will be proceeding to eat this ginormous cookie.
Only in the Amreeka will you find a cookie big enough to also be used as a dining table.
So i was enjoying my late Sunday morning slumber when i was rudely awakened by my mother.
ma: Get up ma fast fast
me:huh? who? huh?
ma: wake up wake up i have to leave in 5 minutes
me:so leave no!
ma: no no i have to give this film for printing but its not over yet.. take one photo of me fast fast
me: what? now?
ma: yes yes now.. here
so i take a picture of her whilst still in bed [she didn't realise i couldn't see a thing...no glasses/contacts on]
ma: now take full length photo. i want full saree to be seen
me: ugh. ok.. click click
ma: ok now one against white background [leans against the wall]
me: huh? why?
ma: i need no against white background for passport photo
me: um ma i think u have to get that done professionally
ma: wat? no need. they just take it on same camera and then they cut it in nice square shape. i can also do that no? oh wait i forgot to take off my earring. They want a picture with no earrings.
me: okay ma. its done. look your film has even started to rewind. can i go back to sleep now?
ma: aa aa ok ok. so lazy u r. useless girl.
Kavya: Ooh Pri did u know that Soupie's analysis shows that Coorgi boy has a girl friend?
she's such a stalker!
priya: the other day she was telling me how Coorgi boy's sister or aunt or someone just left the country...all this just from his orkut scrapbook!
Kavya: u know how she can be when she's in love............
now she also knows where he works and hangs out
priya: oh by the by can u believe how close her chances were of meeeting Yuvi?
Kavya: omg yessssssssssss
priya: imagine if B had invited Yuvi over also to eat the prawn curry with potatoes and chicken [wat the hell kind of curry is that by the by?] at his place...
Kavya: My theory is that think B "loves" soupie
and he purposely saw to it that she didnt meet Yuvi
priya: hmmmm....after the meal Yuvi and Soupa could've gone to the balcony and made Yamraj
while B did the dishes....
Kavya: ess de reason why i think B hasnt told her is cause he wants to follow tamil muvi style
Kavya: he's going to tell her he loves her and wants to marry her
priya: she knows where who hangs out and works?
Kavya: and then he's gonna attempt to hold her hand
priya: is he in the london sides?
Kavya: Coorgi boy no2
no1 is in ur side
priya: thu theyre so ugly
Kavya: i lik no1
priya: not like my boy paah!
Kavya: not no2
oki which one of urs??
priya: no no
from my list of cute boys on orkut
Kavya: but urs is not true love like hers....
priya: sure it is!
Kavya: u dont stalk
priya: i do too!
Kavya: umm hehhehe ess ess
priya: and arjuna ranatunga or watever the fuk his name was
Kavya: maybe ur not that in love
priya: i am too!
Kavya: oooooooooooooooooo now someone's angry
priya: i do what is called mulitiscoping
and im de pedo
all de boys i see are considerably enger
priya: the pedo?
u know im so putting this on my blog
Kavya: wat to do....i like boyish charm
priya: now i totally am
esp after the boyish charm comment
Kavya: bitch dont spoil my reputation
Kavya: ppl will stop introducing me to their younger brothers
priya: who reads my blog apart from u and soupie?
half de world does
Kavya: atleast 1 person from each continent
priya: thats true
thats 7 people
although i doubt people on/in Antartica have access to the internet
Kavya: ppl in antartica have better things to do pri... like catching whales
priya: um sure
to eat them
priya: someones been watching their national geographic
or animal planet...
Kavya: who doesnt know that???
wait. r there ppl living in Antartica???
priya: i dont know
i hear its too cold.
Kavya: isnt it uninhabited???
priya: like in england
Kavya: no no its supposed to be worse
priya: u live in singapore
u dont know!
Kavya: well i sometimes feel cold too
priya: oho! like where? in the air conditoned bus you take to get on the air conditioned train to go to the air conditioned mall?
Kavya: i can go to eski bar... where its below 0 degress
This is where Karen appears: Now i have two gtalk windows open and im very confused.
karan: So i was telling you about the picture of me on the horse
my parents thought it would be a cool idea
priya: yeah its amazing wat parents think will make for good pics no?
i have a pic of me on a mettalic horse
copper or something
in the hot sun
im yelling cause the bloody thing was so hot
priya: not funny
karan: were u the type who was scared of the KidsKemp cartoon characters dancing outside?
priya: and i was wearing shorts or something.
but Soupie once slapped a santa outside one such shop
karan: or the kids who were scared of the coin horse and car in airlines?
priya: it tried to fondle her i think
priya: i cant remember too clearly
karan: holy shit. a santa?
she is the fondeling sort though
i mean she is fondlable
At this point Kb thinks im ignoring her and she gets all mad
Kavya: Pri! Are u to be ignoring me? Who r u talking to? I need tatoo advice
priya: No no. go on
Kavya: i want to get a tattoo on my feet
a little one
priya: on ure feet? as in both feet?
Kavya: no no
just a small one below my little toe
priya: BELOW URE TOW?
Kavya: tell me wat to get
i want it not more than 1cm by 1cm
priya: an ant?
no. wats super tiny?
Kavya: Huh? oki this is something i have to keep staring at for de rest of my life
priya: or u could just wear closed shoes...
Karen now announces it is going to lunch!
Karan: K, im going to lunch
priya: k, wats the menu?
karan: sindhi curry chawal with took
now wtf would took be?
karan: tiki/alu tiki.
you've never had sindhi curry chawal?
priya: i lowwwwwwwwwwww aloo tiki
its the only chaat items i am lowwing
karani: it 's not the chaat alu tikki types.
Karen i love that ure so sindhi!
karan: and i hate the 'chaat items' phrase.
priya: tell me more abt ure sindhi life next time ok?
karan: i'm not so sindhi.
priya: in fact u should totally write about ure sindhiness for my blog
pls pls pls
does your family own a honda city?
pls say yes
karan: but so does everyone else.
do u have relatives in usa?
as in Ullasnagar Sindhi Assosication?
karan: but the sindhi-honda city relation is not like the maadu-reliance phone relation
*KB would like me to add a disclaimer here that she is not in fact a pedo. There. You Happy?*