places i go

guess where i was last night? at a political rally. i know!!! but this one was actually fun. and i got to see obama. he looked totally hot on the big screen tv but from where i was sitting some 10 feet away he looked like an ant. anyway i have decided that his smile reminds me of nelson mandela and just for that i think he deserves a hundred delegates.

here's what i really went to see at the rally: women fainting all over the place and celebrities.

i got nothing. there were a couple of television reporters i didnt recognise. they waved to the crowds and some guy behind me said "oh look it's that fool from channel 13 news" and that's how i knew.

i was most disappointed though about the lack of fainting women. every time obama said something i would scan the crowd but no fainting. just lots of dancing and "obama i love you's" and "yes we can's".

before obama came on we were forced to listen to this b grade band in their glittery sequined shirts. they were absolutely terrible and were quite rightly being ignored. then finally they lit up the entire stadium and played the will i am song on the big screen and the crowd rose to their feet and started singing. people were crying and waving their arms. total paisa vasool!! then everyone thought they saw obama so they started screaming but as the boy behind me pointed out it was just some white dude.

then obama finally appeared just as they announced that he had won the wisconsin primary. at that point it felt like an earthquake. twenty thousand people jumping up and down in the same room can do that. every word he said was greeted with applause and more screaming and "amen's" and "hell yeah's". i swear this black woman two rows down was in some sort of trance. she kept waving her arms and making moaning noises. she was my primary candidate for fainting but the bitch kept going. anyway the two and a half hour wait was totally worth it. he said his stuff and then they played 'i'm a survivor' by destiny's child and we were done.

oh and it only took me an hour to get out of the damn parking garage. but it was still totally worth it. i'm sure i stuck out like a sore thumb. people must have assumed i was hispanic or something and i was the only hispanic person i saw, so there.

overheard at the obama concert err rally:

woman with large ass trying not to step on people's toes while she attempted to walk out of the crowded aisle: pardon my backside to you sir. sir pardon my backside.

girl 1: you see that nigger over there in the green shirt with the cap?
girl 2: yeah.
girl 1: i was dating him last week. he stoopid.
girl 2: mm mmm mmmm he is fine!
girl 1: girl shut your mouth. did you not hear what i just said? he stoopid.

at the concession stand: will you hold my place while i go pee? i cannot have a full bladder when barrack starts speaking.

at concession stand: 4 dollars for water?? when obama is president he will bust your ass. YES WE CAN!

obama day

so it finally happened. and it was very special.

it's been a whole year since disco and me fell madly in love with obama so we were very very proud yesterday. i wasn't in washington for the inauguration because due to the fact that it was freezing cold and i dont do boots. or hats. it's why i moved the hell out of denver. also i have a job to report to where they so kindly provide us with heating and lukewarm coffee. more importantly they got a flat screen tv in the building. i'm glad though that when i did get the opportunity to be in the same room as obama i showed up. i can say to my neighbours' grandkids some day - "i was a part of it." sniff.

in related news i approved of the first lady's jason wu gown. i thought she looked lovely. heck i wouldn't have minded if she had worn ten different designers to the ten inaugural balls. i know we're in an economic crisis and all but it's not really a waste of money if the dress is free no so what everybody's problem IS?

and how cute was old man bushy eyebrows with his colourful rhyming prayer? be seeing.

for comedy moment of the day i cant decide between aretha franklin's giant bow or dick cheney in his wheelchair.

p.s. john stewart on fox news' obsessive coverage of bush's journey back home to texas while every one else was watching obama day - "let it go. it's over. if u love an administration let it go. if it comes back to you we're all moving to canada."

p.p.s. if you're new and want to catch up on the love story between disco and obama go here.

today

today, being a saturday, was a short day. dayum watch me punctuate! i awoke around oh 4 ish. yes that would qualify as evening.

today, the first of the month meant i got to throw out my contact lenses and put new ones in. i rip my contact lenses up at the end of every month and put them in the trash. i am very satisfied after this ceremony. yes i might need to see someone about that.

today chamki emailed me this lovely picture of mrs. keller. i am most excited that parts of my post made it to her page. aah the internet. one day i see a crazy lady and i write about her while im on my lunch break and two days later someone has drawn her, hideous hair and all. im an inspiration to artists everywhere.



today mother brought me back a present from her trip to the supermarket. a newspaper with obama's face on the front page. the title of the article read obama and me.

i read the article, scanned through the rest of the paper, was easily scandalised by all the hooker ads and then proceeded to rest my ass on the couch for the rest of the evening, only getting up to do laundry and get more refrigerated kit kat, the best kind. while i watched cnn, snl, jimmy kimmel's tribute to jimmy kimmel and part of the soup my brother started and finished an obama sketch for me copying the picture from the newspaper. he claims it isn't done yet. it looks close enough to me but since he still insists on working on it i told him he might want to widen the smile a little more. that's me, such an inspiration to artists everywhere.

today my dad called at the fall of the third australian wicket to check if i was watching. we then discussed all the different types of cameras he would be taking on his trip to the holy land. i asked what he'd bring me. he said um a cross? a rosary? i tried not to laugh too loud. you want to be careful about these things. i remember one time brown jacket uncle gave me this religious book. it was before i left for the states. he came over to my house and lectured me about america. said i needed to be careful about getting influenced by its evil culture. i remember thinking too late old man, nodding and taking the book from him. the book i left behind in my room of course. the book my dad later discovered i hadn't taken with me. he was pissed. oh well.

today i cleaned out my car. oh did you know i now cant open my door anymore? at least not from the outside. i have to either leave the window open so i can reach in and use the handle from the inside or i have to crawl in from the other side through the door that does open. this doesn't help in the mornings when im always late and trying to decide between a trip to starbucks and drying my hair.

i guess today wasn't as uneventful as i originally thought. i have clean underwear now so im good at least for a couple of weeks. plus my car doesn't look like a garbage truck anymore. in fact it looks like a normal car. until you try to open it.

p.s. as much as i love obama i cant get myself to finish his book in one stretch. not with 'me talk pretty one day' sitting right next to it, all blue green and inviting. the only reason i bought this book by the way - the cover. so far i have decided that i can in fact judge a book by its cover.

p.p.s. don't hate me but im having second thoughts about doing the tag[s].

so, what did you do today?

tgfi: today's title okay with you?

for anyone who has problems with my punctuation let me just say this. at least you don't have to receive emails from me from my phone. i have yet to discover where the full stop button it and all my emails end up being one big sentence. ask karen.

a part of what was promised..

ill get right to it. the new coldplay cd, well it's not really new but it's the last one that came out. anyway i like it and all.. it's just that every time i listen to it something bad happens. twice i have gotten lost while the cd was playing, leading to two different toll violations. another time i was almost haunted. mostly all the bad things that have happened have been driving related but last tuesday i didnt want to take any chances so as i backed my car out of the office parking lot and the evil cd started to play i stopped and did the right thing. i changed the music to something more how you say [?] hopeful and then proceeded to drive home. and that's how obama won.

okay also i helped people decide who they needed to vote for. like my mother. and people at work who don't watch the news. my mother watches the news [mostly anderson cooper because he comes on right after her lifetime movie is over] i just help break it down for her. also i helped clear any doubts she had about emails crazy ladies from her church kept forwarding her. then i registered her to vote and did a dry run with her before she went down to the polling place. there was some confusion about choosing democrat the whole way and then clicking on obama's name for president and those two things cancelling each other out. anyway by the time she and her sister went out to vote they were well trained. yay them!

at work there was this one fool who was convinced she would be arrested if she showed up to vote because of her unpaid parking tickets. first i told her she was stupid to believe that. then i gave her a lecture about setting a good example for all four of her kids. it worked. she went. she was unable to provide me with her 'i voted' sticker so i dont know for sure but ill take her word for it.

so see obama people, i did everything you asked me to do. and more. so please stop sending me email. it's all done. we did it. unless the president elect wants to see me personally i dont need updates. i get those from olbermann. also from that maddow girl who i might have a tv crush on.

this is how lazy i am and omg look it's a real live blogger!

so i get home tonight after the show and im too lazy to fry an egg but im hungry right so i look in the refrigerator and i find this Pillsbury cookie dough. they're these tiny square that you put in the oven for some 12 mins and they're done. so i put like four in and i figure 6 minutes should be good. plus i like to time my cooking during commercial time and obama was on leno. anyway i check back at a convenient time cause like who sets alarms right, and it looks all gooey so i keep it in a little longer and then i can smell it. you know that wonderful baking smell, which makes me hungrier so i don't wait the two minutes im supposed to wait for it to cool. instead i transfer it straight to my plate and then eat it with a fork because its still hot.

oh and at the store i almost bought the brownie dough only it said i would need to squeeze the dough onto a pan and i was like fuck that. thats an extra step. then there's the cutting of the brownies into squares. too much work, which is why i went with the cookies. they're good too. i highly recommend them. you cant eat more than three though. too sweet.

so did anyone watch obama on the tonight show? there was this comedian guy on as well and he cracked me up. he goes "this is how liberal i am. i am for gay stem cell research". heh.

so i got to meet my first blogger today. and no she was not an axe murderer, ms brittany you can quit worrying. it was in fact ms. revealed aka the flaffmeister who has got to be the tiniest person in all of the world. and apparently she runs for an hour everyday. then she chugs beer and orders fries. it wasn't even on the menu! so we were at this sort of desi event and we didn't see a single cute desi boy. we looked. even paul varghese turned up looking like a taller skinnier version of tushar kapoor. very sad. plus we think he might've been drunk the whole time. this paul varghese dude has a blog and sometime last week i left a comment on there asking a very important question about the show and the fool never replied. anyway the correct answer would've been No, it is in fact NOT auntyjee appropriate. paul varghese thanks for nothing.

after the show revealed and i stood around the parking lot talking about horse tails and other bloggers and a phd beer pong party and how i really need to go out drinking instead of buying wine from krogers and drinking it straight out of the bottle. so anyway my point is i did almost everything my mother warns me never to do. first i meet someone from the internet. then we stand around talking for a good twenty minutes in a deserted parking lot late at night. and then i come home and eat three cookies for dinner!


p.s as i type this gmail keeps giving me sponsored links from the random bits of information from my text. so far i have:

Keep Pork off Your Fork
Check out our list of the Top 10 reasons not to eat pigs.

Oven Baked Horse Cookies
Formulated by Dr. Jane Bicks

getting to know the boy

i got ten minutes of alone time with r today because for the better part of the lunch hour eric sat around us chewing his apple and making fox news jokes. idiot. when he finally left the room r turned to me and asked what i was eating.

upma.

who?

it's like grits.

oh yeah?

but with vegetables and spices. what are you eating?

leftover rice and vegetables. i leaned over to take a look. it looked terrible.

do you cook?

sort of. i mean i manage. i usually just make whatever i'm cooking really spicy. that way it's edible.

aah.

does your mum cook for you a lot?

when i go over to her place i usually take lots of empty containers.

aah.

hey, i wanted to tell you about this local cricket league i found out about. this one guy i know plays for them.

really?

yeah. i had no idea they had those here.

well there are lots of south asian people who live here so..

true. they sure love their cricket. in jamaica too it's hard not to get into cricket.

mm hmm. did you play?

yeah but one time i got hit by a ball...

oh oh!

those things are hard.

hell yeah!

plus i liked soccer and track better. i did play some street cricket as a kid. we had this carpenter guy who would give us pieces of wood. i mean you had to work on it a bit but when you got it nice and smooth it was a bat.

nice! my cousins had a proper cricket bat. we all took turns batting. no one ever wanted to bowl. we didn't even own a proper cricket ball. tennis ball, plastic, anything would do.

yeah. we played with the tennis ball a lot too. if we ever did get ourselves a proper red cricket ball it was usually pink and bent out of shape by the time it got to us.

hee hee.

good times. he had this wistful look on his face. wistful/dreamy. i took the opportunity to study his features. i decided he needed a shave.

so, how old were you when you left jamaica?

i was nineteen when we immigrated but man those were some incredible years. i wouldn't change that for the world.

sigh. we're liking this boy more and more. at one point i almost reached out to pet him. don't ask. he looked pettable. anyway i didn't. here's what i did do. this incredibly hot boy showed up later in a bright green shirt and a ridiculous afro. the weird part was he looked kinda desi. the affro threw me off. anyway i saw r talking to him so of course i called his extension to find out how he knew him and he's like why do you ask and without thinking twice i say well duh he was so cute. he laughed. i'm not sure why i did that. he was incredibly cute though. plus i am easily distracted. anyway i realise i need to keep my eyes on the prize and so i have decided to make a list of things i like about r. so far i have this -

is hot.

dresses well.

smells good.

clean hands.

voted for obama.

can be bribed anytime with cookies. they have to be macadamia nut.

has played cricket.

has the most adorable laugh.

has big puppy dog eyes.

likes his food spicy.

that accent.


things we're not so thrilled about -

talks to his mom way too much.

has this annoying cell phone headset he walks around with. in his defense i haven't seen it in a while. let's hope he got rid of it.

existence of offspring.

possible temper issues. one time he got really mad when someone got his lunch order wrong. either he was really hungry that day or the boy has anger management issues and i don't need that.

p.s. you know i've realised if there's one thing i'm really good it's making myself fall for someone. like i'll usually take my time but once i've decided i'm going to fall for them i get around to doing just that. i wont actually do anything about it but hey at least i won't have boredom issues. at least not until i'm bored with the idea of being in love with them. yeah i'm really ready for the tv shows to be back.

p.p.s. so who watches weeds? i just got into it and i need to discuss the fabulosity of this show. email me.

disco's big announcement

all his life [and in all of his lives] disco has been on the lookout for a leader who inspires people. and fish.

disco thinks he has finally found that leader. and no it is not the lady with the scary laugh. that laugh has triggered many an accident in his little box home, sometimes injuring his plant friends.

neither is it really old guy cause well he's on the wrong side. also he's really old. disco totally cracked up when another really old guy - chuck norris called the other dude old, especially since chuck norris kinda looks like early man. you know from earth science books. not to be mistaken for the cave man from geico commercials. or the cave man show. seriously everyone has their own tv show.

disco watched last night's debate with great interest. his heart was filled with warmth when stevie wonder stood up [facing the right direction and all mind you] and cheered for disco's favourite candidate.

disco hereby endorses senator barrack obama for president of whatever country his mommy lives in right now.

yes we can!!

yes we can!!!!

YES WE CAN!!!!!!!!!!

happy hort dina

alright so it's hort dina and to celebrate i will be declaring my deepest loww for five special bloggers all of whom i have major crushes on.

1. bm aka otp. she knows i hort her.

2. tanmay sahay. i mean come on. the boy is totally dreamy.

3. bikerdoddanna. yes yes everyone's in love with him. he knows too.

4. atp: she wont talk to me. or anyone. all she's ever said is freeya vidu. love her!

5. chamko rani: i love how random her blog is. also how bugglegummy [in a good way] and colourful.

on this joyous occasion that is hort dina i would like to present you all with a custom made flat bouquet.

p.s. feel free to use the comment space below to profess your loww for other bloggers or any other random person noone's heard of and happy hort dina from disco, obama and me.

so like 8 twitter updates equal to 1 blog post?

it's officially spring y'all which means it's 90 degrees in houston already. i can't wait for october.

my cousin just sent us new pictures of her kids. these kids are crazy mixed. they're part sri lankan, part black, part burmese and part finnish. however in the picture they look like two little mexican girls which is strange cause they're both boys. apparently that particular combination of ethnicities leads to gender bender mexican kids. i kid. they're adorable. yay for my family.

in idol news how awesome was our boy anoop this week? i was so excited as soon as i heard him sing the first line of 'always on my mind'. i knew it would be perfect and it was except for the line where he says 'b-l-i-i-i-n-d'. he sounded like a goat but a cute goat, that wears purple and green hoodies

in other news i now tweet. this means that henceforth i will be conveying to you every single crazy thought that appears in my head. [yay for you!] a lot of times i'll think of something but it's not worthy of an entire post and so i end up never saying it and then it gets lost forever. of course this does not include my 'for when i'm a sitcom writer' drafts which im never sharing with you unless you pay me cash money. so my point fellow bloggers is that i insist you join twitter. instead of just letting your blog sit there and die a slow death at least you'll have these occasional mini posts that will maybe inspire you to blog again. or you can just put all your tweets together and voila you have a post.

you know how when you get mad at people you say horrible things in your mind to them like "ugh i hope you die!"? i have recently started to be more specific about how i want these people to die. i want it to be violent and dramatic and a little funny. like "ugh i hope you die in a buffalo stampede". you should totally try this because it's satisfying and will make you giggle a little thereby easing the anger towards said person.

other ways to relieve stress and get super happy without resorting to narcotics is to watch anoop desai cleff hanger videos on you tube. there are tons of them and some are even accompanied by minor stripping. girrrl reeeeeeeeeelax! sigh. i'm beyond lame. i'm not even going to tell you how many times i voted for him this week. let's just say there were many zeros. if there's a virtual anoop dog fan greeting card out there to sign i've signed it. if there's a poll for favourite idol contestant i've voted on it. multiple times. if there's an article containing the words 'anoop' 'noop' or 'noop dog' that was published within the last hour or day or week i've read it. thank you google news. if there's a personal anoopy childhood story from a distant family member i've read and reread it and by god if there's a new photo album i've stalked it. i constantly use words like 'noopaholic', 'nooper trooper', 'nooptastic' and my favourite 'i want to anoop you'. like i said. beyond lame.

p.s. dear president obama if you would like to keep your ratings up i would suggest you not do the following: 1. make special olympics jokes on late night tv and 2. schedule presidential addresses on american idol time. i have to wait an extra 24 hours this week to see my anoop and i'm not pleased.

the woman who birthed gaysin and the annoyance she causes every weekend.

these are just some of the things she has said to us this weekend. currently we're looking at at least another five and a half hours of annoying aunty time.

seeing me up before noon on a sunday: "oho! how come you're awake so early today?"

um so as to ensure i don't miss something brilliant you might happen to say?

tugging at my hair: "your hair used to be sooooooo nice when you were small. so long and straight and shiny." now what the hell kind of response goes with that statement? considering also that the woman doing the commentary has sported a bandli cut for some two of the last three decades.

pointing at my brother: "your pants are too long. you shouldn't wear so long. you will trip and fall." now you and i and by now i'm sure even the neighbours know that the chances of brother falling flat on his face have less to do with the length of his pants and more to do with his part time love affair with narcotics. but annoying aunty from hell doesn't know that. and for good reason.

you must also know that she has had this terrible cough that has lasted forever. it's very terminally ill ninety year old patient. the coughing doesn't stop her continuous banter. she will talk through the worst cough and you can hear the phlegm in her mouth. as we speak she is describing the thickness of said phlegm.

"how come you'll didn't buy mangoes? we bought from the indian store last week. so nice it was. i always eat the seed and give gaysin the cheeks." nobody responded to that statement. i pretended to be fascinated with my cuticles and brother with his foil experiment.

referring to brother's red bull contest entry - "see i personally feel like there needs to be more red bull design on the truck. also you should add off license plate." now clearly brother has read the contest rules. also he's the one making the damn truck.

looking in my direction again: "so is your room still clean?" please to note she spontaneously cleaned it for me one weekend and now i can't find my w-2 form to file my taxes.

referring to my cousin's little kid: "so fat he is no? you saw the new photo she sent of him on the beach. my god. so fat!"

earlier today she was heard dissing oreo cookies. "i don't know why everyone here loves these oreo cookies so much. i don't see what is so great about them."

to anyone who will listen: "where you bought your kurta/boat/monkey?" you name it, she'll ask how much you paid for it. and tell you that it looks like it was made it india.

today she so graciously brought us a bag of squishy brownies. my theory is that she either dropped it on the floor and swept it back up or she left in on the couch and gaysin accidentally sat on it. "i brought it for you'll because if i take it home gaysin will eat it and he's getting too fat."

umm thanks? now go the eff away!


p.s. i don't even want to begin describing the sucking noises she makes after each meal. just know that it goes on for at least a half hour and is usually done in everyone's presence. while everyone else is trying to watch some tv annoying aunty from hell likes to vacuum her teeth. now what was that senator clinton saying about not being able to choose your own relatives? she's totally right that one. and before you ask of course i'm still an obama girl.

my list

it's a new year. this year everything will be different. no really. vast changes will take place in my life. by changes i of course mean improvements.

this year i plan to work on my handwriting. no one can read it anymore. not even me. also i plan to eat lots of watermelon and read more. real books. not blogs with no punctuation.

i plan to find a new celebrity to be inspired by this year. most of last year i spent watching obama attempt to begin to change the world. i can't imagine how dreadfully boring 2008 would have been without him and his stunning family.

i will continue to watch lots of movies. even more than last year. thank you netflix and amc and edward cinemas and bollywood cinema 6 and angelika.

if it snows one more time in houston i will fucking move someplace else. that was not funny.

i will help gaysin come out.

i will finally buy some anti virus for my laptop.

i will visit the motherland.

i will feed disco because i love him like a son.

coming soon -

disco's reaction to the obama victory and what this means for liberal fish everywhere.
how disco thinks he might be related to jesse jackson.
how disco's mommy thinks she contributed to the victory.
dada's last test :(
vacation stories etc..

this fake post is an attempt to encourage bloggers everywhere to come out of hibernation. or just come out.
yes we can!

happy birthday ananda enanda.

who do i have to marry to get my own televison channel?

as your tv watching favourite blogger i feel like now would be a good time to tell you what shows you need to be watching this summer because i realize summer tv choices aren't as choicy. it's true, the networks give us b grade crap to watch between the months of april and september. i don't get it. just because it's nice out do they assume we're all going to simultaneously jump off of our couches and head to the park? anyway there is no need to worry. i am here to help. and at absolutely no cost. all i ask is you give disco and obama your blessing.

alright starting off with this weekend, miss universe is on sunday night in the us and at some unearthly hour in india and in vietnam where it is being held. i recommend you watch it. last year was bloody brilliant. this time round we have a miss india who doesn't really look indian. i'd believe you if you told me she was latina or some type of middle eastern/european blend. she alright though. did well in a couple of preliminary rounds. my three step plan for her to take the title is as follows.

1. keep the hair down. let me clear up this misconception people seem to have about the air hostess bun. it is not a good luck charm for miss india. seriously. the stretched forehead look went out in the mid nineties. along with the white gloves.

2. go easy on the drag queen make up.

3. try not to fall on your ass. if at any time you find yourself falling reach out for miss usa. that bitch looks strong. plus everyone's so sure she's going to win this year and we don't like it when everyone's right. that and we'd really like to see a well coordinated group fall.

for detailed analysis go here. [warning: these guys are REALLY into it.]

next if you like funny people you need to be watching last comic standing. however i recommend you only watch the last 30 minutes of every show. this is the time they have so kindly allotted for joke telling. the first ninety minutes are mostly fillers. their most favourite filler is "coming up after the break". it's like why don't you just take the damn break and come back instead of this pre break post break sneak peak. that and they love wasting time with the whole secret voting thing after which they will show everyone, including the contestants, the tapes they have just recorded. it makes absolutely no sense. then there's the bitching and the i'm funnier than you type arguments. today they even wasted 10 minutes getting to the damn voting area. the drive there, their reactions on the chosen location, the comics taking their seats, papa cj apologizing to some chick because he just voted for her. gahhhhh! he's totally getting on my nerves. damn it i wish that varghese boy had made it instead.

now if like me you prefer more jokes per minute watch kathy griffin instead. her show is on thursdays. last comic standing is on at the same time but bravo has this weird thing they do where they'll show you a show and then repeat it like right away, so it's cool, you can watch both shows. also kathy's assistants are super fun. one of the girls has by the far the most infectious laugh on cable tv. [anyone watch the episode where the entire team flies to ireland with her dad's ashes and end up at his favourite pub where along with the locals they drink in his memory. sniff. it was so sweet. now all of a sudden i feel like breaking into "talli... mein talli.... mein talli ho gayi..." how awesome is that song? and mallika sherawat looks normal. sweet even.

anyway not to forget the biggest summer show on tv - the olympics!



bwahahahahaha. of course i was kidding. who wants to watch a bunch of sweaty people in spandex who constantly look like they're in great pain. instead i would suggest you watch spandex free project runway. it starts in 6 days. woo hoo!

as i type this brother is playing eye of the tiger on his guitar. i am very disturbed.

it's 8pm and cnn has a projection

Dear Barack Obama,

yay!!!!

luv,

disco and pri.

p.s. don't pick her as your running mate. i know they'll try to talk you into it but don't do it. you don't need her. you have disco and me. and olbermann.

Obama Speech: 'A More Perfect Union'

they're not showing the whole speech on cnn. you need to hear the whole speech.