Saturday, September 29, 2007

I wonder where he is now

We need to talk about Michael.
Hot waiter Michael.
He worked at KFC on Brigade Road.
Was incredibly hot.
Had the most adorable smile.
Back in college we all had crushes on him.
Me especially.
Then one day i saw him in the blue Indian cricket team uniform.
I was instantly in love.
I asked him for extra ketchup and where he had gotten his shirt.
And if he would let me take the huge promotional poster of the cricket team on the wall.
It was world cup time.
This was back in 2003.
He said they had only one and it was for display.
I made a sad face.
When we were leaving he said to take it.
That he wouldn't tell anyone.
So i did.
I visited KFC a lot that summer.
Some days Michael wouldn't be there and i would just order a strawberry milkshake and walk away.
Eventually Michael was fired.
I don't know where i heard this but he was definitely gone.
I was very upset.
My Michael had been fired.
My friends would make fun of me.
They would narrate stories of imaginary dates Michael would take me on.
Supposedly only to KFC because he couldn't afford any other place.
I fought for my Michael.
SHUT UP, I'd say.
So what if he's a waiter?
You know, he's also a part time student.
Again i cant remember where i had gotten this information.
They would giggle.
Many months later much to my delight we were able to locate Michael again.
He was now a waiter at Cafe Coffee Day.
A few weeks later he was fired from Coffee Day and i never saw him again :(

The end.

***
Magazine man worked at the Mahatma Gandhi Circle/Chinnaswamy Stadium signal.
He sold magazines, none of which were Wisden cricket Asia, Cricket World or Femina.
I don't recall ever making a purchase from him.
But we'd see him everyday.
On our way to Brigade road or Lavelle road from college.
"En madame aaraama? Class ilva ivattu?"
He was always polite.
Never tried to sell us anything.
He would ask about my friend's grandmother.
He would tell us who had driven in and out of Chinnaswamy stadium that day.
"Kumble bandraa ivattu? Prasad?"
He didn't know any of our names.
Just our faces.
And our cars.
He'd tell us if one of our friends had made a left onto MG road earlier that day.
When i'd pass by the same signal with dad he'd come over and say hello, even if he'd already seen me earlier that afternoon.
My dad was always amused and slightly confused by this.
He had no idea how often i visited that side of town.
After all it was nowhere near college.
Plus i always came home sharp at 4:20.

***

Happy birthday Chinku!

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Please tell me everyone received this email. It's a blogger thing right? right?

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Also what is with the number of people in Africa whose very rich parents die very tragically [and always in some sort of a crash] who want me to help them get their money and who in return are willing to pass on a couple of million to me, just like that, for the wonderful and helpful human being i am or appear to be from my email id. I enjoy these emails tremendously. For one the grammar is always fantastic and two i always like to read the details of the tragic accident. I just went and checked my junk mail folder and of course today there are none. :( As soon as i find some i will update this space.

***
ooh look what i found!

Dearest ONE
Assalam alaikum and may the peace of gracious Allah be with you,please I have a problem which I need help from you, however is not mandatory nor will I in any manner compel you to honour it against your wish. I am AISHA MOHAMMED, 19 years old and the only daughter of my late parents Mr. and Mrs.MOHAMMED.

My father was a highly reputable business man (a coacoa merchant) he operated in the capital city of Ivory coast during his days. [why is it the deceased never have normal jobs?]
My fathers died mysteriously in France during one of his business trips abroad on 12th.Febuary 2005.
Though his sudden death was linked or rather suspected to have been masterminded by an uncle of his who travelled with him at that time.But Allah knows the truth! [mmm hmmm!] My mother died when I was just 4 years old on child birth according to what my father told me,The time for her delivery was complete and the doctor did not know because according to my father the doctor told them that my mother was not going through labour because according to his own prediction my mother had about one month more to deliver. So before they rialise she was on labour, it has taken about two days and she became very weak and could not make it during child delivery.Since then my father took me so special. Before his death on February 12/ 2005 which came to me as a suprise

I have stoped schooling because i cant afford to pay for school fees anymore. But i have gone to my fahers lawyer to find that my father have money to the tune of eight million, seven hundred thousand United State Dollars.(USD$8.700,000) left in a Trust company which according to he lawyer he propossed using for a foreign business transaction.

Upon this informatioin given to me by the lawyer i have also gone ot the Trust company where the money is deposited,to find out, according to what the lawyer told me.My fahter deposited this money and no name was given to them as the beneficiary. They are therefore asking me as the daughter to the depositor, to forward to them the name of Beneficiary of this money.
I will like to continue my studies but that will not be here again in cote d' ivorie. There is political unrest here [of course there is] and nobody knows what the next day will bring. People are now leaving in fear here. heh. where to? I know you may ask why didnt my father deposit the money in my name. Cause then you couldn't have written me this email bitch! I want you to know that our muslim rights by the almighty allah still permits him to mary more than one wife, [yes lets make this a religious issue] which i know he has started making some moves towards marrying two more wives because he said he has morned my mother a long time.
I want you come and stand inn as my fathers foreign business partner who this money is made for. But please i want to beg you by the almighty allah to be faithull to me.And tell me you will not because am a girl cheat on me. [or even better a gender issue] I will like to come over to your country and finish my school get a better job and get a good husband [yeah about that...] and settle down for life.If you like we can as well go into a joint business of any type in your country. I like selling ladies wears and their makeups, i still like jewellries. [what about ladies underwear? an online sex toy business maybe? i know of this wonderful business opportunity...]
So if this mail is acceptable to you i will like yo to send to me:

1. your occupation.

2. your age.

Thank you very much and may the almighty allah continue to protect you and your family.
Aisha Mohammed

Monday, September 24, 2007

We did it!!!

We've finally won a world cup! It might not have been the one we wanted but its still a World cup. I was supposed to be at work two and a half hours ago and even now, even after its all over i cant make myself get off the couch. I don't want to miss a thing. Oh my god Dhoni just took his shirt off. The mark of a good captain!!! What an incredible game. What an amazing feeling. I feel incredibly homesick right now. I don't hear fireworks outside. I don't know how I'm going to go to work and behave normally like its just another day when my car didn't start and we didn't just win the WORLD CUP!!!

Saturday, September 22, 2007

The best way to wake up on a Saturday morning

UNBELIEVABLE POSITIVE HUGE POWERFUL YUVRAJ SIX SIX SIX FIREWORKS ENERGY PASSION DHONI TEAM BLUE DANCING DANCING QUICK SINGLE MORE QUICK SINGLES COME BACK FOR TWO IS THIS THE SAME TEAM? SREESANTH CRAZY THE GIANT GONE DOT BALL DOT BALL DOT BALL AUSTRALIA PRESSURE PHENOMENAL JOGINDER WHO? NO NO NO OH GOD! THREE BALLS THREE SINGLES GOOD GOOD WHAT WHAT NO NO NO SREESANTH AGAIN DOT BALL STUMPS FLYING LAST THREE WHO TO BOWL? BHAJJI BOWLED HIM YES RIGHT DECISION DOT BALL DOT BALL MORE PRESSURE BRILLIANT OVER STUMPS IN THE AIR YUVRAJ CATCH INCREDIBLE PONTING GLUM FACE LOVE IT AND WE'RE THROUGH!

Monday, September 17, 2007

To Airlines.

Preeth mentions in his post on Bangalore how he likes to hang out in the Airlines Hotel parking lot but apparently some people think this is strange because its a parking lot. I happen to love Airlines for many different reasons but i have to disagree with anyone who calls it a parking lot. It is so much more than just a parking lot, it's an entire city, unknown to the rest of the world ... until now.

There's the restaurant of course and the lodge. Some people call it a hotel but really its a lodge. There's an ice cream shop and a play area for the kids [and grown people who think its cool to sit on tiny swings with bucket chairs and look all giant-like] and a book stand that turns into a bakery overnight and later into a fruit stand. Last time i checked it was back to being a book stand. There's also a beauty parlour and an STD booth but STDs are um easily attainable anywhere on the premises... especially in the lodge.

My favourite section in Airlines happens to be the astrologer booth. It is very odd looking with every inch of the wall covered in pictures of different Gods and conspicuous right in the middle a humongous picture of Mother Theresa! Photographer friendly Astrologer Swami for a sum of a hundred and one rupees will make very general assumptions about your life and then make up a bunch of nonsense about your future. Your job is to try not to giggle, nod and ask lots of questions.

The seating arrangement at the restaurant is divided into 4 main sections. The main area is under the trees. So yes, very shady. This is called 'Tivoli Garden' for some reason and was last seen on Channel V Panga where VJ Yudi or some other incredibly short dude [possibly the surma wearing boy from that Falguni Pathak video who later went on to become a veejay who later went on to become an actor who later went on to disappear from the face of the earth] dared an innocent person to eat other innocent person's idli. No one likes to sit here for fear of catching some deadly disease. A variety of fluids can be found on the tables ranging from sambhar and jelebi juice to bird dropping and used handwashing water. There's a small "water filter" at one end but no one uses it except to wash their hands. This is why the parking lot is a way more popular hangout.

The parking lot is pretty cool actually. You sit in your car and the assistant waiter will call the main waiter who depending on your luck that day will show up within 5 or 40 minutes to take your order. He will recite the entire menu upon request within 30 seconds and will do so as many times as you wish, sometimes even while you record him on your phone. There is no makeshift car table to put your food on unlike in Chalukya Hotel where they actually bring you a wooden plank to put in between the windows. Plus that would never work in Airlines. Most people keep their windows closed. The water and extra chutney/sambhar cups are kept on top of the car. If you happen to be sitting in the 'lowwers an dowwers' sections do not be alarmed if you see a hand coming out of the top of a heavily tinted window. They're not going to shoot you, they're just grabbing their chutney.

Other sections of the restaurant include the 'family and friends' section and the 'narcotic dealer/pimps and ho' section where many local politicians and thugs like to conduct business. Very interesting section this is however for your own personal safety I recommend you park in the family and friends section. Not to worry it has a good view of the other sections for your viewing pleasure.

If you happen to visit Airlines late in the evening you will be entertained by the lovely Tivoli night time band 'JustNim UlsoorLake'. The band is made up of the young assistant waiters who use various utensils to make a nameless but unique genre of music.

The assistant waiters also double up as messengers because the kabootars are busy crapping all over the tables. Say for example some lame boy wants to send a grammatically horrendous love note to you he will use the help of an assistant waiter who will even provide a pen [from behind his ear] and hotel stationary [paper napkins] for this very purpose.

The last and most important job of the assistant waiter is to catch the attention of the main waiters to make minor last minute changes to your dosa/coffee order - "boss one benne masale no oil, dry chutney no sambhar, coffee one by 2, sugar haakbedi, seperate aag tankodi". He will also bring [in one go] all the occupants of your car and your friends in the next car, water in glass tumblers without using a tray. This wonderful blend of drinking water + waiter finger juice + other mystery fluids is then used for hand washing right outside your windows. Do not ask for a finger bowl. Those do not exist in the city of airlines.

Rbr claims there are many more secret hidden sections at the back and one must trust Rbr. After all he has part ownership in airlines stalk stock.

Apart from the pimps and ho's, waiters and assistant waiters, college kids and families and lowwers and dowwers you will also see lots of foreigners, mostly in bright orange. They make up almost 40% of the lodge occupants.

And finally the man who controls this mad circus - the wonderful and talented Bahadur. You might know him from here.

So do visit Airlines Hotel the next time you're in Bangalore. After all it's all about the ambiance.

Sunday, September 16, 2007

Yay Tina Fey!!!


30 rock just won an emmy for best comedy y'all! woo hoo! In case you weren't aware we at the blog heart this show [see and see] and recommend it to everyone. And honestly you're probably not going to meet anyone who watches as much tv as i do so trust me on this and watch the damn show.

Silly clip for your viewing pleasure. I deserve to be paid for this.

Calm the fuck down.

These are some reactions to Dravid's resignation.

1. Leave Dravid alone and the real reason i wrote this piece was so i could add that one remark in there about him not being from Mumbai.

2. I title my post Dravid resigns and yet every other word in my post ends with a kar, you know like Gavaskar, Vengsarkar etc.

3. This one's really pissed and he makes direct comparisons - Agarkar almost ruined it but lookey that good South Indian chap Sreesanth helped us win! He's mad that Rohit Sharma gets picked while Badrinath is ignored. And apparently everyone at ESPN STAR hates anyone who isn't from Mumbai. I'm sure our friend would love it if Krishnamachari Srikkanth was hired instead. He even takes a dig at Romesh Powar's size. ooh also something about passing urine and cheering for Sachin and Dada. Not to miss the title of the blog. Did anyone else do a doubletake?

Is it just me or is there a pattern here?

They're all Bangalore bloggers [the second guy i don't know for sure] and *gasp* they're all Dravid fans and they all hate anything or anyone involved with Mumbai cricket.

If you were too bored to read the posts here's the common thought:

Omg Dravid the gentleman has quit! This is a conspiracy by the damn Mumbaikars to make one of their own captain. When Sachin resigned to concentrate on his batting no one said anything but now everyone is blaming our poor Dravid but he was so wonderful blahdiblah.....

updated at 2:41 - from NDTV's online forum.

"It is a team politics, may be noncooperation from the team management and also he is south indian."
vsumamgesh (Bangalore)

Mumbai side wants Sachin as captain and Ajith as vice captain so that the cricket is given on a platter to ICL."
madhu2007 (Bangalore)

Friday, September 14, 2007

Very good beta. Good decision. Varynice.

Is this not the smartest thing Jammy's ever done? We're so proud of you. We hope you will take this time to make more babies even if it is with THAT WOMAN! Bangalore [and the world] needs more smart good looking men.

So, you think they might offer it to Dada? I would be overjoyed if they did but i don't see it happening. Also when he was last asked about the captaincy issue he said he wasn't interested and that he wanted to concentrate on his batting. But this was back when no one believed his 'come back' would even work. Plus chappal was still in charge. Who in their right mind would agree to work with that bitch again? If they offer it to him now though i wonder what he'll say. hmmm things are going to get very interesting.

Also a bowl out? Seriously? Did anyone get to see?
And if you've never heard of a bowl out its kind of like a walk off, only instead of trying to place that heel as straight as possible on the runway, you try to bowl as straight as possible towards the stumps.

edited at 1:55 - i found these two videos. This one is of the entire last over and this one the bowl out. Its weird watching this because you recognise the boys and yet it feels like match practice not real cricket but the joy each time we hit the stumps and Pakistan misses - still the same.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

at least it wasn't a horror movie

are you one of those people who goes to the movies alone? no? why? because you think its looserly? well i'm a loser then. i've always gone to movies alone. wait that sounds terrible. what i mean is anytime i've wanted to watch a movie that no one else has wanted to watch [and there have been a lot of those because i like to watch odd movies and i'm not one of those people who will wait for it to come on dvd] and bribery hasn't worked, i've gone by myself, even back home in Bangalore. Of course my parents aren't aware of this. "Pa, evening class, because err exams are coming up no".

today since mother isn't talking to me and everyone else i know is at work and i am friendless in my new city *sob* plus i really don't think its wise for me to be walking around anymore shops and i'm too bored to go home i decide to go watch a movie, any movie.

i'm early but i'm like ill just sit around and text random people till the trailers start. so i walk in and the theater is empty, like not a single person in sight. i realise this is probably normal since the movie isn't scheduled to start for another 25 minutes. so i sit down and ten minutes later still no one. now i start to freak out a little. i'm sitting here alone in this huge place. there isn't a soul in sight. as a matter of fact no one even checked my ticket when i came in. that's not normal. then i begin to imagine all kinds of weird shit. what if theres a killer around? or someone walks in and suddenly realises they've always wanted to be a killer, or someone steals all my stuff? damn it why did i have to buy all of this crap?

i try to stay calm but i cant help thinking of all those creepy forwards mother has sent me and all the warnings about never going places alone and without informing someone. i remember all those horrible stories mother has told me about random women who were just out shopping. that lady has got to stop watching all those lifetime movies! i realise i don't even have pepper spray, or a pocket knife. do people even carry pocket knives? hmmm i do have an umbrella but they say its bad luck to open one inside. wait if i'm saving myself from a potential murderer i think using an umbrella would be acceptable. wait why would i need to open it up anyway? i'm so weird. no wonder people wont come with me to watch movies.

i continue to watch the trailers and hope someone shows up. but then i'm confused. do i really want one more person to show up? what if they look creepy? what if two creepy people show up? of course now i realise my mother has no idea where i am. no one will know where to look. omg people will talk for years about the stupid girl who thought she was very brave and continued to sit in a deserted movie hall, risking her life to watch 'the nanny diaries'.

i try to distract myself. i imagine blogging about this when i get back home. the thought is wonderful. it means i survived to talk about it. it is now a funny story. ha! right then i hear footsteps and this is how lame i am, i actually cross my fingers. i don't even have the time to come up with a wish. then i see two figures and they can definitely see me. in fact they're pointing. they come right up to my aisle and i'm like you have got to be kidding me. there are like 200 other seats in this room. finally they pass my aisle and settle down into their seats, two rows behind me. i don't want to turn around because that would be rude but i can tell they're both women and i can hear the sound of shopping bags and i hear munching. what kind of killer walks around with shopping bags and popcorn? i suddenly feel very relieved. i feel like we could all be friends. i want to turn around and tell them how i was all panicking and how i am so glad they showed up but then i realise that would make me sound like a complete idiot. so i just sit there and stare at the screen. their voices are calming. the munching is calming.

ten minutes later they're still chattering and now i'm kind of annoyed. i mean the movie has started, its quiet time. a few minutes later they're still chatting nonstop and i'm thinking of changing seats but its dark and i really don't want to fall down the stairs, plus i can locate only one of my shoes. right then the lady's cell phone goes off, and she answers it! i mean this is directly disrespectful to me because i'm the only other person in the hall. i turn around and glare. i have no idea if she can see me. i suddenly miss having the theater all to myself.

about half an hour into the movie they finally shut the fuck up and i'm able to enjoy the rest of my movie. that scarlett johansson has such flawless skin. i hate her!

p.s ironically there's an umbrella in the movie, a red one. every time she held it she would fly. just thought i'd share that with you.


Wednesday, September 12, 2007

look ma, i can cook!

so everyones been sharing all these wonderful recipes [see, see, see, see] and i have been feeling very pressured, so today i decided to share one of my own, plus i've always wanted to use the word succulent in one of my posts.

now if you are hungry but unfortunately are not very talented and/or have never owned a cookbook in your life and/or your mother wont talk to you and therefore refuses to cook and/or your mother has cooked but eating her food would mean she wins and you don't want that, then this recipe is perfect for you.

has anyone heard of 'smart ones'? no? they happen to be these wonderful little packets of frozen dinners that you can get at any grocery store. buy the one that says 'ravioli florentine' on the cover and follow the microwave instructions. now i realise this can be challenging for a lot of people because many microwavable dinners come with confusing directions. sometimes you rip the box open only to realise you were supposed to have saved it to use as some sort of cooking tray! with this particular one all you have to do is pull the film starting with one corner all the way to the other corner. dont pull it off completely, you just want it to vent. right, then you let it microwave for 2 minutes after which you stir the contents with a fork and then microwave again for like a minute and a half and we're half way there!

i don't know if you realised this but we're missing an important ingredient. chicken! yes, no meal can be complete without chicken. unfortunately chicken is difficult to cook. theres the opening of the gross plastic and the washing and the smell. so what you do is you look for one of those small trays of precooked breaded chicken patties in your local grocery store. now remember these are frozen and there are many different ways to cook them. microwaving is the easiest however that would result in rubbery chicken and we don't like rubber. the other option which a lot of people claim is the best and the healthiest is baking. now baking is great because you get that wonderful crunchy bit on the top but the problem with baking is it takes too fucking long and we're hungry. also accidents can happen in the oven if you cant find the right gloves or you don't know what parts elongate and stuff. for example did you know that the inside tray thing can be pulled almost all the way out? apparently this is how it has always been. and this way you don't have to reach all the way in to place your food, thereby minimizing the chances of burning your arm on one of the hot rods.

okay since we're definitely not going to bake our chicken the only option left is to cook it on the stove. pull out your egg pan. that would be the tiniest one in your kitchen. put a tablespoon of oil in it and heat on medium for like a minute. then place the chicken on it very carefully. use like a flat spoon. that way you wont have hot oil on your arm or worse in your eye. i've heard scary stories of contact lenses catching fire and melting... right, so lower the stove because you don't want the chicken to burn and that oil wont last very long. so make it nice and low and turn the chicken over like every 30 seconds. about 5 minutes should be good. now take the chicken out and place in on something you can cut on, or you could just cut in while its still in the pan. you want to cut it into strips but don't worry if they don't come out neat. remember messy is good. its just food, all that matters is that it taste fantabulous.

next pull out a pretty serving plate and place the ravioli on it and then the chicken strips on top. now look around your kitchen for some old packets of parmesan cheese and crushed red peppers from olive garden or dominos. or you could actually buy these from the store but really this way is cheaper. remember the next time you order pizza to insist on extra parmesan and red peppers, "as many as you can send please, my kids just love it" works wonderfully.

sprinkle the cheese and red peppers on top of your chicken and voila you are looking at a healthy dish [smart ones have small portions therefore less calories or something] with fresh succulent chicken and a lovely flavour of marinara, parmesan and red chilly flakes.
this meal may be accompanied by almost any alcoholic beverage from your refrigerator.

Enjoy!

and remember it only took you what 10 minutes? and the best part is you made it all by yourself. and you used kitchen utensils and gadgets and everything! you are no longer a useless idiot who has to order delivery.

remember all you need is a supermarket next to you and the love for fried chicken.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

I develop a new love interest

So i just watched this movie 'Unhitched' [has its funny parts but very filmy] that no one's heard of, starring Stuart Townsend who no one's heard of either, at least i hadn't. He would be boy in picture. So i think aah new boy, hardly famous and i fall for him over the course of the movie. Then as soon as the movie is over i google him and find out he isnt single. In fact he's dating an actress. Yeah her name is Charlize Fucking Theron!!! Supposedly she even mentioned him in her Oscar speech!

Someone hand me the damn cork screw.

Monday, September 10, 2007

help save the liquid

right. so say you unscrewed the cork on this bottle of um... of this liquid and you already took a swig and it tastes wonderful and all that, now how do you get the cork to separate from the cork screw so you can put it back so your beverage will stay umm, closed. also while you figure this out will a makeshift paper cork work or will it absorb all of the goodness from the beverage? anyone?

p.s please hurry with your response otherwise i might have no choice but to finish the contents of the pretty bottle.

p.p.s wait liquids don't show up on drug tests right?

Sunday, September 09, 2007

Alright i just watched the VMAs and i have a lot to say so here it is in one big breath

fifty cent and kanye west are friends again. awwww. turns out all that fighting - just a publicity stunt. omg no way!!!
also what was the point of bringing them on stage together if they weren't gonna say a word? and they didn't kiss or nothing!

i cant decide if that srilankan vj dude with the british accent is cute. it would help if he were a foot taller.

glitter is big y'all!

where was gwen steffani?

and omg that chris brown boy! to quote jt "dayum"!!! if you didn't see it you can watch his performance here.

i want eyeliner wearing rocker boy legs. how to get?

what was up with paris hilton's hair? did she seriously let someone cut it that bad or was that just the most horrendous wig ever? and omg that hooker dress! whatever happened to the post jail paris with the flowy dresses and the jesus quotes?

p diddy always gets the best seat in the house

how come we didn't get to see the kid rock tommy lee fight?

and damn it brittany didn't fall!

VMA Sunday

hello hello,

i am officially NOT jobless anymore. Woo hooo!! Some foolish company decided to offer me a job, only their timing was very wrong. See i had gotten back from the interview earlier that day and being very very bored and having finished off all the watermelon in the fridge i decided to oil my hair, like a good Indian girl. Right then mother ordered me to go pick up aunty from work, aunty who needs someone to sit next to her while she attempts to drive, aunty who will not drive faster than 20 miles an hour and who will stop the car every time she sees another vehicle, even if said vehicle is on the other side of the divider. I was like nooooo i just oiled my hair. I was told nobody would know the difference. So i go in to take a shower when the HR lady [who loved my bag by the way, we had this whole discussion on the merits of carrying large handbags. you don't think that was the only reason she offered me the job no?] decides to call. So the whole time i'm talking to her i have shampoo and water rolling down my face. I didn't let it affect my official adult phone voice though. That just made me sound like a phone sex operator, didn't it? By adult phone voice i mean like my serious, look at me all professional career woman voice.

In other news mother is no longer talking to me, i learnt how to make the perfect dosa, ooh and the VMAs are on tonight. I also got to talk to BM. You know BM no? We gossiped about Desi bloggers, i told her who all i thought were gay and she told me who she liked and who she hated. I tried to get insider gossip about certain bloggers but she was of no help. Anyway it was fun and it made my morning go by faster, that and The View.

Alright i need to go bathe and find a snack snacks before the red carpet begins. Brittany Spears is opening the show. HA! I hope something disastrous happens.

Oh and this job thing doesn't start for another whole week. In the meantime i have to go take a drug test. That should be lots of fun. See Miss Gabby, aren't you glad i thought of this possibility before we did what we were going to do in honour of me leaving?

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

a day in the life of me

you're sitting on the couch with your laptop and you realise you need to go to the bathroom but you're too lazy to walk all that way so you ignore it until you really really have to go. of course once you're there you're glad you took the effort.

you catch a glimpse of your face in the mirror and you go awww how cute. then you look closer and realise you now have a moustache. you also discover a strange bump on your face that wasn't there this morning. on your way out you open the storage closet that you have now made your personal shoe alter and you're suddenly very happy. you wish you'd thought of this earlier. [really traditional shoe stands are boring, shoes need to be on display]

you finally get yourself to exit the bathroom but you decide since you're already walking about you might as well find yourself a snack. you scope the kitchen for an exciting mid afternoon snack but you're disappointed to find theres nothing remotely exciting in sight. you dream of eating an alugadde bonda with some spicy chutney. you realise you don't get those where you live. you feel sad for yourself and decide to make some hot chocolate. its this new cadbury hot cocoa you found at the indian store. it says 'made in india' on the cover so it makes you feel all warm and fuzzy.

you walk back to the couch and flip through the important channels. you're proud of yourself for having memorized all the numbers in such a short time. you think of the good old days when you had directv. you realise thinking about it will not help you get over it. you proceed to watch lewis black do his stand up routine. he's funny and you laugh at all his jokes even though you've seen this recording many times before. you then go back to reading about strange people's lives on the internet until its time to pee again.



will someone please give me a job?


i'm a fabulous employee. really. i will dress professionally. i will be on time ... most days, fine at least twice a week. i will bring joy and humour to the office. if you ever need someone to do a starbucks run at any time of the day i will volunteer. ask brittany, ask gabby. are you two reading this? do u miss your old co worker? tell them how fabulous i was. tell them!

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Shoes have a new home, i break fashion rules and prove again what a terrible cook i am. I also help the universe by searching for missing bloggers.

You thought 90210 was the coolest zip code in the universe? Try 10022. The ginormous shoe floor at Saks Fifth Avenue in Manhattan now has its very own zip code. How very wonderful!

You've probably all heard about not wearing white shoes after labor day. Now i normally don't follow these "rules" when i'm dressing but its not like i go out of my way to try and prove a point by not following them. Today however without realising it i wore white sandals, a day after Labor day!

I was on my way to an interview and i passed the cotton club. I remembered gay cousin mentioning something about it so i decided to stop by on the way back only I didn't want to wear my uncomfortable interview shoes inside the store so i looked around my car and found a pair of white flip flops. So i walk into this very tish store wearing a black skirt, black shirt, blue-grey checked jacket and WHITE flip flops. Oh did people stare! One lady asked me if i needed any help or if i'd like something to drink and i could see the disapproval in her eyes. I said no thank you and kept looking through the racks. Two minutes later she goes "Are you SURE you don't need any help?" and i swear she looked down at my feet when she said sure.

In blogger news apparently it was blog day on the 31st. Did anyone know? Does anyone care?

In missing blogger news does anyone have any idea of the whereabouts of my two favourite tamizh girls GB and ATP? Anyone?

In stuff i can i used to be able to cook news i made my world famous karipatta chicken last evening. It was terrible. Too sour. I think maybe it was the vinegar. I forgot to measure.

Hmmm i don't think i measured the ginger garlic paste either.

Or the ketchup.

Sunday, September 02, 2007

since you all seem to like him so much here's more adventures from the life of gay cousin who doesn't know he's gay yet.

You will be happy to know gay cousin has narrowed down his choices for a Halloween costume:

first choice: a nun
second choice: mother theresa

i dont know for sure why he decided on these two specifically, especially cause mother theresa is was a nun. wait wasn't it her death anniversary recently? that might have something to do with it, or not.

personally i think he's just looking for an excuse to dress in drag.

***

also today for the first time i heard gay cousin describe his taste in music. we were at this couple's house. wonderful people. lovely bathroom. really it was breathtaking. so he's sitting on the couch with his legs crossed, his closes his eyes for a second and says "eclectic".

i almost choked on my ice cube.

***

the other really strange thing i've noticed about him is the fact that he calls his mother 'mother'. i refer to my mother as mother in my posts but i don't actually call her that. like he'll say "put your seatbelt on mother" like she's ninety years old or something!

***

you know, i could learn a few things from gay cousin especially when it comes to taking care of my skin. i am too lazy to even wash my face. gay cousin uses face pack at least twice a week. the first time i saw it happen it was my first week here. this was when we hadn't finished unpacking and so we'd walk over to their place for dinner.

this one evening mother and i ring the doorbell and gay cousin opens the door. he's wearing this bright green face pack so all i see are his humongous eyes and his sparkly teeth. He does have white teeth, ill give him that. I pretend like its totally normal to walk into a person's house and be greeted by a fully grown man wearing face pack. Mother however is a terrible actress. First she gasps really loud, then she makes inquiries.

Mother: "Oho, what is that?"
Gay cousin who doesn't know he's gay yet: "What?"
Mother [now pointing]: "That! What is that?"
Gay cousin who doesn't know he's gay yet: "Oh its this paste aunty, for clear skin, you know, to prevent breakouts and stuff."
Mother: "Oho for pimples and all aa? Where you got? You always use aa?"

and then she turns to me and starts to shake her head like I've somehow disappointed her!

and its september.....again

and i have had the most unfruitful 8 months in all my life. I didn't bother looking for a better job this year because i knew we were going to be moving soon. That 'soon' turned into 8 months and so really all i did this year was show up to work...whenever i woke up on time. there were plenty of days when i would wake up, look outside and go "nah" and go back to bed but first id call my boss and tell him i was sick and that i had been throwing up all morning. haa! i never throw up. i haven't thrown up since that jungle book movie released. i don't know why i remember this so clearly but the last time i threw up it was right outside Rex theatre on brigade road. I walked out of the movie hall, ran to the corner and threw up. I must've been like 8? 9? i think maybe i have forgotten how to throw up. alcohol makes me sleepy so no help there. and its not like i want to throw up. its just strange that i haven't for this long.

right so about this year it has been incredibly dull and i have been incredibly wasteful and im discovering more and more that i am kind of a loner and i like it a little too much. like today for example the highlight of my day was discovering this new mascara that works wonderfully. i think its maybelline, bright green on the outside. you should try it, if you're a girl.
or if you're a boy and you're into that. is very good.

oh guess who i get to meet tomorrow? random lady who tagged along for weekend trip. you might remember her from here and here. i talked to her i was made to talk to her on the phone yesterday and she goes "oh haloo my dear. so howa you lika tha housthon?"

mother is still opening boxes and everyday more and more dolls appear on the showcase [someone please give me another word for that word] and im afraid my house is going to look exactly like aunty's. nah mother doesn't have half as many dolls. i wonder what my house will look like when im all grown up. like for example will i really think its necessary to put curtains over the blinds? i mean the blinds work just fine. and will i have a table in the middle of the carpet in the living room with a scented candle on it that is not meant for use, just for display purposes. i wonder if i will yell at my daughter if she pulls the table so its close enough to put her chapstick, scrunchie, cell phone and water on. Oh wait, what daughter?

I had a leetle wine tonight. Can you tell? oh and i just bit into a strawberry. it was very sour. where are all the sweet strawberries?

i watched 'holiday' today at gay cousin who doesn't know he's gay yet's place. who else would rent 'holiday'? and when they first showed cameron diaz he turns to me and says "is this the girl who was dating justin?" and i was like "um yeah! that's cameron diaz dude". what boy doesn't know who cameron diaz is but knows and is apparently on first name basis with justin timberlake?

and then when kate winslet was on he was like "oh she's a good actress. have you seen little women?" and im like "ya but she wasn't in little women' and he's like "hmmm maybe that was someone else" and im like "um winona ryder" and he's like "oh yeah, thats right." like what boy especially a desi boy does not recognise the titanic girl? oh and when i showed mother cameron diaz's white pyjamas he turns around and goes "so pretty no? you should go to this cotton club place. they have the softest fabric there." if only he would come out already! it would be so much fun. i could tell mother "i told you so" and i could watch my uncle faint and i could laugh inappropriately at awkward family gatherings. do it already! just do it. im thinking that i should one day get him really drunk and then make him spit it out. yes i think i will do that. and now i think i will have another strawberry.