i have a new post for you but following the request of a fellow blogger mentioned in said post i have had to use the sicrit blog to publish it. see you there?
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
blogging during a recession is hard. especially if you're a banker. this is when you dig into your savings also known as your gmail draft folder and copy paste some really old bs for the amusement of your blaudience in hopes that they will still love you and send you fan mail. mera saath doge blaudience?
to the person who googled "what does it mean when a tulsi plant dies" and was directed to my blog which was of no help: it means you need to water it fool. also if you rotate around it singing 'om bhur bhuvah svah' with a ba like person that helps too.
***
i met this lady today who is clearly obsessed with all things desi. she told me she goes to a masaale bhangra class. whatever that is! when she walked in it smelt like she had dunked herself in a tub of sandlewood oil. she asked if i knew how to do mindi. i was like um bindi?? and she was like no no mindi, like for your hands and i was ohh mehendi!! i've had it done before but i don't know how to do it and she was like oh well i'm getting it done this weekend for the first time, i'm so excited and i was like oh excellent.
see now there's this pressure to bring up something mindi bindi yoga or bhangra related every time i see her or she'll be disappointed. damn it i think i liked it better when everyone assumed i was hispanic. no no take that back. we don't want to go there. i don't want to be attacked again by some old hispanic couple who are ashamed to think i have chosen not to learn my native tongue. talking about people who love desi culture i met this super fun hair stylist recently who loves desi music. apparently he goes on you tube and searches for indian music and then dances or gives his roomate a relaxing massage depending on what plays. i swear this is what he said. other things he told me: that i look like the sort of person who could own my own business empire some day. i had almost decided to tip him well when he ruined it all by saying this business would have to be something boutiquey. all this two minutes after meeting me. also he told me his entire life story. his dreams for the future. and also that my hair was in terrible need of moisture and that i had come just in time for him to save it from dying a horrible death.
***
me singing along to the radio: hand me a sandwich..... sandwich......sandwich
concerned coworker: um that is not what they're' singing.
me: it's not?
cc: no! it's "my heart is damaged.......damaged.....damaged..."
me: no way! really?
cc: um yaa!
song in question by danny dee cane also known as p diddy's triplets.
***
i went to the mall today to get my eyebrows done. this threading thing seems to really be catching on here because there's always a line at the threading place. they have this system where you sign in and hang around till your name gets called or you sign in, walk around the mall for a bit and then come back and wait around until your name gets called. so that's what i did today except when i got back there was only one lady doing someone's eyebrows and this other pregnant lady was sitting in the empty chair i guess assuming she was next. i had just gotten back in line and this other lady, the one who i really like to get my eyebrowns done by came back and so naturally she looked in the book and called out the next name which was mine. pregnant lady looked like she had no intention whatsoever of getting up. eyebrow lady then showed her the book where clearly her name was after mine. pregnant lady was now glaring at me. still sitting mind you, but glaring. so were a few other people in line. almost to say you're not seriously going to make this poor woman get off the chair so you can get your eyebrows done first. suddenly i was the villain. people were mumbling and shaking their heads. i was like screw you all. i need to be someplace so i sat down as soon as prego wobbled off the chair. i mean just because someone's knocked up doesn't entitle them to get ahead of the line. see. there i go again. doing my civic duty. fighting for equality. yay me.
***
quick personal updates: i was almost deported. i manged to survive that.
while mother is out of the country brother is slowly turning the house into a homeless person/animal shelter.
gaysin has pierced both his ears and gotten a ghastly tatoo for his upcoming trip to india. im hoping he will put pics up on orkut.
i believe i saw santa today. the real santa. there was something about his eyes.
***
p.s. prabhu, yes it's okay to leave comments for posts written in 2007. i still see them.
p.p.s. happy birthday bikerdude. congratulations on turning the big 40.
i have more silly drafts sitting around. i may copy paste some more based on popular demand.
to the person who googled "what does it mean when a tulsi plant dies" and was directed to my blog which was of no help: it means you need to water it fool. also if you rotate around it singing 'om bhur bhuvah svah' with a ba like person that helps too.
***
i met this lady today who is clearly obsessed with all things desi. she told me she goes to a masaale bhangra class. whatever that is! when she walked in it smelt like she had dunked herself in a tub of sandlewood oil. she asked if i knew how to do mindi. i was like um bindi?? and she was like no no mindi, like for your hands and i was ohh mehendi!! i've had it done before but i don't know how to do it and she was like oh well i'm getting it done this weekend for the first time, i'm so excited and i was like oh excellent.
see now there's this pressure to bring up something mindi bindi yoga or bhangra related every time i see her or she'll be disappointed. damn it i think i liked it better when everyone assumed i was hispanic. no no take that back. we don't want to go there. i don't want to be attacked again by some old hispanic couple who are ashamed to think i have chosen not to learn my native tongue. talking about people who love desi culture i met this super fun hair stylist recently who loves desi music. apparently he goes on you tube and searches for indian music and then dances or gives his roomate a relaxing massage depending on what plays. i swear this is what he said. other things he told me: that i look like the sort of person who could own my own business empire some day. i had almost decided to tip him well when he ruined it all by saying this business would have to be something boutiquey. all this two minutes after meeting me. also he told me his entire life story. his dreams for the future. and also that my hair was in terrible need of moisture and that i had come just in time for him to save it from dying a horrible death.
***
me singing along to the radio: hand me a sandwich..... sandwich......sandwich
concerned coworker: um that is not what they're' singing.
me: it's not?
cc: no! it's "my heart is damaged.......damaged.....damaged..."
me: no way! really?
cc: um yaa!
song in question by danny dee cane also known as p diddy's triplets.
***
i went to the mall today to get my eyebrows done. this threading thing seems to really be catching on here because there's always a line at the threading place. they have this system where you sign in and hang around till your name gets called or you sign in, walk around the mall for a bit and then come back and wait around until your name gets called. so that's what i did today except when i got back there was only one lady doing someone's eyebrows and this other pregnant lady was sitting in the empty chair i guess assuming she was next. i had just gotten back in line and this other lady, the one who i really like to get my eyebrowns done by came back and so naturally she looked in the book and called out the next name which was mine. pregnant lady looked like she had no intention whatsoever of getting up. eyebrow lady then showed her the book where clearly her name was after mine. pregnant lady was now glaring at me. still sitting mind you, but glaring. so were a few other people in line. almost to say you're not seriously going to make this poor woman get off the chair so you can get your eyebrows done first. suddenly i was the villain. people were mumbling and shaking their heads. i was like screw you all. i need to be someplace so i sat down as soon as prego wobbled off the chair. i mean just because someone's knocked up doesn't entitle them to get ahead of the line. see. there i go again. doing my civic duty. fighting for equality. yay me.
***
quick personal updates: i was almost deported. i manged to survive that.
while mother is out of the country brother is slowly turning the house into a homeless person/animal shelter.
gaysin has pierced both his ears and gotten a ghastly tatoo for his upcoming trip to india. im hoping he will put pics up on orkut.
i believe i saw santa today. the real santa. there was something about his eyes.
***
p.s. prabhu, yes it's okay to leave comments for posts written in 2007. i still see them.
p.p.s. happy birthday bikerdude. congratulations on turning the big 40.
i have more silly drafts sitting around. i may copy paste some more based on popular demand.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
life as a blind ish person is not easy. i have red eye. i woke up saturday morning and just had it. my left eye was all itchy and watery and generally annoying. i had to not wear contact lenses all weekend. now any normal person would pop on their pair of glasses except i haven't worn mine in a long time. in fact i haven't seen mine in a long time. turns out in the process of moving i had managed to crack one side and then not bothered to replace it.
i spent my saturday in bed. it was easier than you'd think. i woke up every now and then to put eye drops in my eye. very soothing they be. i even made it down the stairs to the kitchen. it helps when you know where everything is. then i wandered over to my couch where i listened to the tv for a bit. turns out my hand knows the remote like the back of my hand.
sunday though i couldn't survive. around late afternoon i had to come up with a temporary solution. some way to be able to watch 'desperate housewives' and 'brothers and sisters' later that night. i popped my contact lens into the one good eye and then managed to locate my pair of cracked glasses. then i was magically able to get the cracked piece to fall out completely so that one side was now completely glass free, all this without injuring myself. then i was able to wear my glasses because due to the fact that the side of the glass that still worked was also the side of my infected eye. at this point i was wearing glasses on one side and contacts on the other except my glasses were so old the power was kinda low. so i could sorta see but not very well. i tried watching tv through my new invention but it was very uncomfortable. i eventually took my glasses off and watched tv with one eye shut. it's harder than you think. i wished i was one of those people who used eye masks to sleep in. that way i could have just cut one eye out and been like a pirate. i also thought about putting cotton over one eye and taping it down with my 'finding nemo' band aids. after all this thinking i got tired. also it had been more than 24 hours since the infection had started. i decided my eye didn't look as red as it did yesterday so i went ahead and put my contact lenses back in. as we speak it's not burning or anything so yay.
i know you're all dying to come up with mean one liners and horrible punny titles to this post. go right ahead. i'm looking at you shenoy saar.
i spent my saturday in bed. it was easier than you'd think. i woke up every now and then to put eye drops in my eye. very soothing they be. i even made it down the stairs to the kitchen. it helps when you know where everything is. then i wandered over to my couch where i listened to the tv for a bit. turns out my hand knows the remote like the back of my hand.
sunday though i couldn't survive. around late afternoon i had to come up with a temporary solution. some way to be able to watch 'desperate housewives' and 'brothers and sisters' later that night. i popped my contact lens into the one good eye and then managed to locate my pair of cracked glasses. then i was magically able to get the cracked piece to fall out completely so that one side was now completely glass free, all this without injuring myself. then i was able to wear my glasses because due to the fact that the side of the glass that still worked was also the side of my infected eye. at this point i was wearing glasses on one side and contacts on the other except my glasses were so old the power was kinda low. so i could sorta see but not very well. i tried watching tv through my new invention but it was very uncomfortable. i eventually took my glasses off and watched tv with one eye shut. it's harder than you think. i wished i was one of those people who used eye masks to sleep in. that way i could have just cut one eye out and been like a pirate. i also thought about putting cotton over one eye and taping it down with my 'finding nemo' band aids. after all this thinking i got tired. also it had been more than 24 hours since the infection had started. i decided my eye didn't look as red as it did yesterday so i went ahead and put my contact lenses back in. as we speak it's not burning or anything so yay.
i know you're all dying to come up with mean one liners and horrible punny titles to this post. go right ahead. i'm looking at you shenoy saar.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
a part of what was promised..
ill get right to it. the new coldplay cd, well it's not really new but it's the last one that came out. anyway i like it and all.. it's just that every time i listen to it something bad happens. twice i have gotten lost while the cd was playing, leading to two different toll violations. another time i was almost haunted. mostly all the bad things that have happened have been driving related but last tuesday i didnt want to take any chances so as i backed my car out of the office parking lot and the evil cd started to play i stopped and did the right thing. i changed the music to something more how you say [?] hopeful and then proceeded to drive home. and that's how obama won.
okay also i helped people decide who they needed to vote for. like my mother. and people at work who don't watch the news. my mother watches the news [mostly anderson cooper because he comes on right after her lifetime movie is over] i just help break it down for her. also i helped clear any doubts she had about emails crazy ladies from her church kept forwarding her. then i registered her to vote and did a dry run with her before she went down to the polling place. there was some confusion about choosing democrat the whole way and then clicking on obama's name for president and those two things cancelling each other out. anyway by the time she and her sister went out to vote they were well trained. yay them!
at work there was this one fool who was convinced she would be arrested if she showed up to vote because of her unpaid parking tickets. first i told her she was stupid to believe that. then i gave her a lecture about setting a good example for all four of her kids. it worked. she went. she was unable to provide me with her 'i voted' sticker so i dont know for sure but ill take her word for it.
so see obama people, i did everything you asked me to do. and more. so please stop sending me email. it's all done. we did it. unless the president elect wants to see me personally i dont need updates. i get those from olbermann. also from that maddow girl who i might have a tv crush on.
okay also i helped people decide who they needed to vote for. like my mother. and people at work who don't watch the news. my mother watches the news [mostly anderson cooper because he comes on right after her lifetime movie is over] i just help break it down for her. also i helped clear any doubts she had about emails crazy ladies from her church kept forwarding her. then i registered her to vote and did a dry run with her before she went down to the polling place. there was some confusion about choosing democrat the whole way and then clicking on obama's name for president and those two things cancelling each other out. anyway by the time she and her sister went out to vote they were well trained. yay them!
at work there was this one fool who was convinced she would be arrested if she showed up to vote because of her unpaid parking tickets. first i told her she was stupid to believe that. then i gave her a lecture about setting a good example for all four of her kids. it worked. she went. she was unable to provide me with her 'i voted' sticker so i dont know for sure but ill take her word for it.
so see obama people, i did everything you asked me to do. and more. so please stop sending me email. it's all done. we did it. unless the president elect wants to see me personally i dont need updates. i get those from olbermann. also from that maddow girl who i might have a tv crush on.
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
coming soon -
disco's reaction to the obama victory and what this means for liberal fish everywhere.
how disco thinks he might be related to jesse jackson.
how disco's mommy thinks she contributed to the victory.
dada's last test :(
vacation stories etc..
this fake post is an attempt to encourage bloggers everywhere to come out of hibernation. or just come out.
yes we can!
happy birthday ananda enanda.
Friday, October 10, 2008
is there such a thing as carom board powder because i swear just now i could smell it on this guy. i wanted to warn him of the possibility of a skin rash but i wasnt sure if he would know what carom board powder was or even what a carom board was. also maybe my family was cheap and used regular powder the whole time we were kids. i might never find out.
raise your hand if you think this is deep enough for a postsecret entry.
raise your hand if you think this is deep enough for a postsecret entry.
Sunday, October 05, 2008
nick and norah's infinite playlist and meeting vip bloggers.
sigh. this movie is very special. it is sweet and funny and smart. the entire cast is adorable - nick and norah, nick's gay band mates, norah's drunk and unbelievably gross best friend, the couple making out in the backseat of the car, the car, the solo dancing idiot, devendra banhart and his equally ridiculous friend at the store, man unwilling to part with turkey sandwich, man at ticket counter, smoking jesus, the music [richard hawley, we are scientists], ny city at night. really. all adorable. but especially nick and norah. they're musical soulmates and they're perfect for each other. i love how all of nick's friends know instantly that norah is the one for their friend and they have accessories in the back of their van to help her shine*. i love the moments in the studio and in the car and in the van and on the escalator.
you know a movie's good when you're smiling for the entire duration of it and you want it to go on a little bit longer. you can watch some clips here here and here but i suggest you go watch the whole thing. and no it's not too young for you. unless you're like 30. :)
in other devastating news i just found out my most favourite billboard is gone. what used to be 'need laser? call 713 R U HAIRY' is now 'pregnant? scared? you're not alone'. sniff. i miss that billboard. it made me giggle every evening on my way home from work. and most importantly it reminded me of koodal karen.
in blogger news i got to meet the very famous puppy manohar. i realized too late that i had forgotten to carry my autograph book with me so he is just going to have to fax me a copy. we ate some decent south indian food while i quizzed him on the whereabouts and other um choices of baby vyjayanti. then kp our designated driver showed us around various side streets of houston that were still without power after the hurricane and were therefore pitch dark and filled with tree debris. after the fun sightseeing we attempted to watch 'burn after reading' from some bucket seats whilst trying not to go squint. all in all a very fun evening. [we link to kp in the hopes that someone will appreciate his genius writing skills]
also i realize it's kind of late to talk about the emmys but someone asked so yeah i did watch and yeah i cheered when tina fey and 30 rock won again. my most favourite dress was heidi klum. not the silver grey red carpet one but the yellow grey one she wore while hosting. she changed like 8 times so you might have missed it but it was beautiful this dress. like a painting. later on i found out it was a christian siriano dress. see.
p.s. movie theater pretzels suck. also do not be fooled into buying the new wrigleys doublemint cute pack. sure it has a cool flap but it don't taste the same. weird and grainy is not the same.
*shine = lift and separate her boobs.
happy fall.
in blogger news i got to meet the very famous puppy manohar. i realized too late that i had forgotten to carry my autograph book with me so he is just going to have to fax me a copy. we ate some decent south indian food while i quizzed him on the whereabouts and other um choices of baby vyjayanti. then kp our designated driver showed us around various side streets of houston that were still without power after the hurricane and were therefore pitch dark and filled with tree debris. after the fun sightseeing we attempted to watch 'burn after reading' from some bucket seats whilst trying not to go squint. all in all a very fun evening. [we link to kp in the hopes that someone will appreciate his genius writing skills]
also i realize it's kind of late to talk about the emmys but someone asked so yeah i did watch and yeah i cheered when tina fey and 30 rock won again. my most favourite dress was heidi klum. not the silver grey red carpet one but the yellow grey one she wore while hosting. she changed like 8 times so you might have missed it but it was beautiful this dress. like a painting. later on i found out it was a christian siriano dress. see.
p.s. movie theater pretzels suck. also do not be fooled into buying the new wrigleys doublemint cute pack. sure it has a cool flap but it don't taste the same. weird and grainy is not the same.
*shine = lift and separate her boobs.
happy fall.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
lettuce come together brown people.
kindly be seeing.
with regard to sepia mutiny [and the other desi group blogs that seem to follow a similar pattern] i think it's hysterical how obsessed they've become with discovering potential candidates to accuse of racism and stereotyping. i mean anything any white person says about brown people is scrutinized until through some weird logic it is proven to be offensive.
what amazes me tremendously is their ability to spot all these random desi people in the background at some political rally or on some 2 minute spot on tv. you'd think they have some type of special application on their tivo to pause every time it sees brown. i mean i watch a lot of tv but holy crap did you know there was recently a brown person "representing" us on a cooking reality show for all of 20 minutes after which they were tragically eliminated thus dashing a billion hopes whilst managing to leave a crack in the glass ceiling for future desi chefs who want to be on reality tv. i'm surprised they didn't start some type of online petition protesting the cut.
with regard to sepia mutiny [and the other desi group blogs that seem to follow a similar pattern] i think it's hysterical how obsessed they've become with discovering potential candidates to accuse of racism and stereotyping. i mean anything any white person says about brown people is scrutinized until through some weird logic it is proven to be offensive.
what amazes me tremendously is their ability to spot all these random desi people in the background at some political rally or on some 2 minute spot on tv. you'd think they have some type of special application on their tivo to pause every time it sees brown. i mean i watch a lot of tv but holy crap did you know there was recently a brown person "representing" us on a cooking reality show for all of 20 minutes after which they were tragically eliminated thus dashing a billion hopes whilst managing to leave a crack in the glass ceiling for future desi chefs who want to be on reality tv. i'm surprised they didn't start some type of online petition protesting the cut.
also at the bottom of their page it says and i'm not making this up - "to prevent comment spam, please type the word brown below". and it doesnt work if you type wheatish complexioned.
it's time for a gtalk talk post. warning: all gtalk talk posts are extremely silly.
Siddharth's new status message - I wish I could live in the dream that I fly on tarred & feathered wings 12:36 AM
me: wtf does that mean?
me: why tarred and feathered?
why not tarred and glittered?
Siddharth: you don't know tarred and feathered aa?
me: no
Siddharth: in the olden days if you were accused of something
me: they cut your head off yes?
Siddharth: they would put a vat of tar on you and then put feathers and make you go around the city
AND THEN cut your head off
me: dont lie. they didnt have tar back then
they didn't have roads
me: u know when ppl say india zindabad
pakistan murdabad
i always get confused
Siddharth: yes
me: if they say zindabad it's good
and if they say murdabad it's bad no?
Siddharth: good doubt
Siddharth: good doubt
me: good doubt it seems
Siddharth: you know
i didn't know what dhedh and dhai difference was
i kept getting confused
and then one movie released called dhai akshar prem ke
and i knew there were two and a half letters in the hindi prem
so that's how i know
me: omfg
dhai akshar prem ke
is also how i learnt that they have special words for half numbers
Siddharth: im glad you are my pgf
me: first of all their whole numbers are so hard
like in normal languages if u know 1 to 19
Siddharth: i dont know after 25
Siddharth: yes yes
me: and then 20 30 40 etc u can do the rest
Siddharth: yes yes
me: but in hindi it's so random
Siddharth: exactly
i know ninyanave
because it's always ek sow ninyanave
isn't that the coolest word?
ninyanave
me: i know shoonya
because on that surabhi show on dd
remember with renuka shahane?
she used to read the postal address
Siddharth: heheheehe
i know
you know what decimal point is?
you know what decimal point is?
me: and it had so many shoonyas in it
Siddharth: i know
decimal is dhashamlau
because temperature in chennai is always chaalees dhasamlau nou
me: heh
paapa chennai peoples
me: hehe. i know
Siddharth: are you shitting me?
me: i'm sure they looked less cheap greeting card in person
me: tell me abt zindabad murdabad
u know the diff?
Siddharth: murd sounds like murder
and zinda means living
does that help?
me: yes yes
Pri's new status message - 'lehman brothers murdabad tiwari brothers zindabad' 1:13 AM
Siddarth: who are the lehman brothers?
me: nobody
does that help?
me: yes yes
Pri's new status message - 'lehman brothers murdabad tiwari brothers zindabad' 1:13 AM
Siddarth: who are the lehman brothers?
me: nobody
after today
muahahahaa
p.s. no offense meant to blogger linked. the flowers you pick don't make you who you are.
p.s. no offense meant to blogger linked. the flowers you pick don't make you who you are.
Monday, September 15, 2008
my hurricane story
preparation -
i prepare for the hurricane by stocking up on burts bees wax chapstick and nivea. there are no long lines at walgreens unlike at the grocery store and the gas station.
brother stocks the refrigerator with beer and ice cream.
mother starts storing water in every available pot. this after both bathtubs have been filled with water. all this water storage reminds her of her childhood. i point to anderson cooper on tv before she starts one of her 'when we were young' stories.
the night before - brother plays the piano in the garage with the garage door up even though it has started to rain. i make comment about brother being like the captain of the titanic willing to go down with his ship. mother insists i go take a picture of him in the garage. further comments about him floating off on his piano stool are not appreciated by mother. brother doesn't take any warning seriously. he wanders around the neighborhood looking to save cats and other traumatized animals while mother yells for him to get back inside.
the night of the hurricane i decide it would be wise to sleep in the coridoor. my bed is right near the window and right outside the window is a massive tree. i search for my rosary which i am unable to detach from my earphones and place it under my pillow. i sleep for a bit and wake up when i hear a loud noise. brother points to a metal roof on the other side of the street about to lift off and crash into a nearby window or car of its choice. we watch for a while, get bored and look to the television for more dramatic pictures. the power keeps going off so i go back to sleep. and i sleep good too. with dreams and stuff. i distinctly remember turquoise earings and shopping with sunnu. i wake up saturday morning when dad calls and proceed to check if my tv made it through the night. it did. my directv international dish is still in place. i doubt the internet will work. it would be asking for too much. but omg i can see google! i put my rosary away.
saturday morning -
gaysin calls. you guys have power?
yeah.
gaysin - what? we lost power this morning.
oh.
gaysin - you'll probably lose power too. they're saying most people will lose power.
well the hurricane's gone so..
gaysin - yeah but they're saying everyone will lose power.
right... how about i inform you once we lose it?
saturday afternoon -
mother [yelling from upstairs] have you seen anderson cooper?
what?
mother - have you seen him? because i haven't seen him since last night.
im sure he's fine ma.
mother - ya but he was reporting from downtown houston last night and that's where all those glass buildings were.
i'm sure anderson is smart enough to get out of the way of falling glass.
mother - but he hasnt reported since last night. it's afternoon now.
good god mother. im sure cnn would have said something is he were dead.
every 30 mins or so gaysin and his mother call in to check if we still have power.
dude we still have power. we still have cable. we still have the internet.
gaysin - internet also? oh.
like i said. i will inform you once we lose power. okay?
gaysin calls while i'm painting my toe nails.
gaysin calls while im watching dan in real life.
STILL HAVE IT!
ma why do they keep calling?
ma: i dont know. they're bored without electrictity. you think i should invite them to come here?
oh god no!
gaysin calls again - you'll dont have water is it?
bahhhhh! the pressure is very low.
gaysin - yeah we just spoke to aunty d [this person lives on the other side of the planet by the way] and she was saying you guys didnt have water.
yes yes no water here.
gaysin - didnt you guys fill up your bathtubs?
we did. we're fine.
gaysin - oh okay. we have water here.
excellent.
and before you know it it's the end of the weekend and i have to be at work tomorrow. sniff.
oh and disco's okay too.
i prepare for the hurricane by stocking up on burts bees wax chapstick and nivea. there are no long lines at walgreens unlike at the grocery store and the gas station.
brother stocks the refrigerator with beer and ice cream.
mother starts storing water in every available pot. this after both bathtubs have been filled with water. all this water storage reminds her of her childhood. i point to anderson cooper on tv before she starts one of her 'when we were young' stories.
the night before - brother plays the piano in the garage with the garage door up even though it has started to rain. i make comment about brother being like the captain of the titanic willing to go down with his ship. mother insists i go take a picture of him in the garage. further comments about him floating off on his piano stool are not appreciated by mother. brother doesn't take any warning seriously. he wanders around the neighborhood looking to save cats and other traumatized animals while mother yells for him to get back inside.
the night of the hurricane i decide it would be wise to sleep in the coridoor. my bed is right near the window and right outside the window is a massive tree. i search for my rosary which i am unable to detach from my earphones and place it under my pillow. i sleep for a bit and wake up when i hear a loud noise. brother points to a metal roof on the other side of the street about to lift off and crash into a nearby window or car of its choice. we watch for a while, get bored and look to the television for more dramatic pictures. the power keeps going off so i go back to sleep. and i sleep good too. with dreams and stuff. i distinctly remember turquoise earings and shopping with sunnu. i wake up saturday morning when dad calls and proceed to check if my tv made it through the night. it did. my directv international dish is still in place. i doubt the internet will work. it would be asking for too much. but omg i can see google! i put my rosary away.
saturday morning -
gaysin calls. you guys have power?
yeah.
gaysin - what? we lost power this morning.
oh.
gaysin - you'll probably lose power too. they're saying most people will lose power.
well the hurricane's gone so..
gaysin - yeah but they're saying everyone will lose power.
right... how about i inform you once we lose it?
saturday afternoon -
mother [yelling from upstairs] have you seen anderson cooper?
what?
mother - have you seen him? because i haven't seen him since last night.
im sure he's fine ma.
mother - ya but he was reporting from downtown houston last night and that's where all those glass buildings were.
i'm sure anderson is smart enough to get out of the way of falling glass.
mother - but he hasnt reported since last night. it's afternoon now.
good god mother. im sure cnn would have said something is he were dead.
every 30 mins or so gaysin and his mother call in to check if we still have power.
dude we still have power. we still have cable. we still have the internet.
gaysin - internet also? oh.
like i said. i will inform you once we lose power. okay?
gaysin calls while i'm painting my toe nails.
gaysin calls while im watching dan in real life.
STILL HAVE IT!
ma why do they keep calling?
ma: i dont know. they're bored without electrictity. you think i should invite them to come here?
oh god no!
gaysin calls again - you'll dont have water is it?
bahhhhh! the pressure is very low.
gaysin - yeah we just spoke to aunty d [this person lives on the other side of the planet by the way] and she was saying you guys didnt have water.
yes yes no water here.
gaysin - didnt you guys fill up your bathtubs?
we did. we're fine.
gaysin - oh okay. we have water here.
excellent.
and before you know it it's the end of the weekend and i have to be at work tomorrow. sniff.
oh and disco's okay too.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Tuesday, September 09, 2008
holy crap it's been so long blogger even looks different.
warning: i wrote like 75% of this post weeks ago. then i got lazy and forgot all about it. today i decided i might as well publish it and so i dug it out and did this hurried two minute ending. sorry but thanks for being all patient and adoring. sniff. okay here.
i've been a lazy blogger these last couple of weeks partly because i was on vacation and then i was exhausted from all the vacationing. it wasn't your traditional vacation. i had to drive my new car down from la to houston. it took three days. i was by myself. it was fun but tiring. i only got lost twice which is shocking if you know me because i get lost easy. i dropped my uncle and his family at the airport and got on to the highway. i had been told that it would be one straight road the whole way so i was like sure why not, any fool can do this. forty minutes later i found I-10 closed due to road construction. it was way too early to be lost. i had to randomly select from the remaining two open roads and i picked one and kept driving in the hopes that eventually it would meet up with I-10. ten minutes later i was driving to nowhere so i took an exit. i stopped for breakfast at a mcdonalds where no one could speak english. i was handed splenda, sweet and low and ketchup before i finally got the sugar i asked for. then i drove around on the street looking for a hair place. i saw two. both were closed. i was mad because according to their door sign they were supposed to be open at this hour. it was only much later that i realized it was sunday. anyway having woken up at 4 in the morning to drop family at the airport i hadn't had the time to wash my hair so it was all flat and oily. i wanted happy bouncy hair for this trip because damn it i was in la. or at least i was driving through la. what if i bumped into seacrast at a signal? anyway this kind man at the gas station gave me good directions and i was back on i 10. i drove through la and out of california and into arizona which wasnt very pretty. mostly desert. i passed mountains, cacti, the occasional fly. it wasn't very fascinating but it was cool. just me, my music and some 18 cups of coffee.
i stopped in phoenix arizona. some place called baseline. and now this makes no sense but since baseline was a big road in boulder i figured it should be a decent road in arizona and of course i turn the corner and see a hair place that was open. i was stoked. the lady inside looked at me all strange. you just want me to wash your hair? mm hmm. and she did and she blow dried it too and it was all happy and bouncy again. 3 bucks totally well spent. i asked her if there was a starbucks close by and she said yeah in the mall. i had heard enough. i proceeded to find this mall which was just down the street. i ended up spending over an hour at the neiman marcus outlet store. see this was precisely why i had decided to do this drive thing by myself. this freedom to stop wherever for however long i wanted. i drove a couple more hours and stayed the night at a best western motel. it looked decent. plus they had free wireless and breakfast. i called mother and gave her all the information she requested. the physical address and exact location of said motel. what direction my room was facing, the dude at the counter's name. my room number, the hotel telephone number. any bit of information i could give her she would take. the poor lady has watched way too many lifetime movies. she probably didn't sleep very well that first night. i did. i made it just in time for the breakfast buffet. i was not going to miss a free buffet. you know the thing about these free breakfasts is when they say between 6 and 9 they're not kidding. if you show up at 8:55 like i did they've already started clearing stuff up. this lady was like hi honey, let me know if you want anything more from this platter before i clear it up. i was like um how bout you just leave everything here until i'm done. i didn't actually say that. i was like um ill have a muffin. i also ate the eggs and some bread and butter and coffee and some other sweet honey bun or something. then i set off. i stopped only to fill gas and pee. i had been advised not to use the rest area restrooms in arizona. something about giant scorpions.
the second day was not as fun. driving in 105 degree weather isnt much fun even with the a/c on full blast. i drove through new mexico and into texas which psychologically felt like i was getting closer to my destination but really texas is a huge ass place and i was maybe half done. that evening i planned to break around 8:30 but two things happened. one we were into central time zone so just like that i lost two hours. and two i was driving and driving and i could not see civilization. also it was getting super dark. at one point i finally saw a sign that said lodging next exit so i took the exit. right at the corner there was a car parked and a man was standing around looking very lost. he came up to my car and was trying to say something to me. i couldn't hear him because my window was up and i was not going to lower it for him. then the fool tried to open my door. i was like okay this is creepy and sped off. poor man, i'm pretty sure he was just lost. oh well. then i continued driving looking for some type of motel and i passed a cemetery and of course that's always reassuring. i finally saw a couple of lodges but they looked shady. they werent the standardized motels you see everywhere so i turned around and got back on the highway, i had to drive another couple of hours until i came to a city. i was a little freaked out after passing the cemetery so i started to imagine things. at one point i swore i saw something in my rear-view mirror. something, not some one. like a ghost type thing. and then i heard a noise so i was totally freaked out. i quickly reached into my bag for my rosary. the good catholic girl that i am, i always carry one of those around for exactly this type of scenario. anyway the noise turned out to be the a/c blowing on my bag of chips. and the ghost type thing we'll never know. eventually i reached a normal looking town. i called mother and went straight to bed. it was way past ten by the time i checked out the next morning.
day three wasn't as terrible as day two mostly because i was determined it would be my last day of driving. it was pretty uneventful. i stopped every couple of hours. got coffee, washed my face, did some local sight seeing by which i mean i went searching for this nail place that was lovely and all but sadly couldn't accommodate me for another 5 hours. apparently this lady was the only manicurist in the entire town. she told me to come back at 6 o'clock that evening. i was like um ill be in san antonio by 6 o'clock. anyway i got to drink some really good coffee at this one small restaurant. the lady even warmed up milk for me. then i drove some more wishing i owned more music. i had already listened to everything i owned. just when i was about to doze off i realized there were signs instructing all traffic to exit the highway. it was border patrol. they were stopping people and checking stuff. just like in the movies. mostly cars were driving by real slow. when it came to my turn the guy instructed me to stop. he stared at the insides of my car. to be fair it looked like i was running away from my country. i had suitcases and towels and food thrown around the back seat. that and apparently i appear hispanic. the guy was like where are you going and where are you coming from and are you a citizen of the united states. i was giggling at this point and he looked confused. eventually he let me go when he realized i was indian and not hispanic. he was like oh india. well okay then, drive safe. so i drove some more and then i saw this beautiful sunset and then i was home. to my bed and my couch and my shoes.
p.s. i am officially taking randeep hooda off my to do list. for one something tragic has happened to his face. he doesn't look like my rahul idiot from monsoon wedding anymore. also i saw this interview with him on mtv with anoushka and that girl from 'rock on' who i adore by the way and the whole time he was just being so incredibly annoying and interruptive and unfunny. he wouldn't let anyone else talk.
p.p.s. in other news i'm so over these damn hurricanes. the next one headed to houston is called ike. what kind of name is that? i refuse to be afraid of something named ike. now gustav i get. i was terrified of gustav. that and cnn kept saying how it could be the worst thing in the history of the universe. if there really were an order to evacuate i don't know how i'd pack. i couldn't not take all my stuff. i love all my stuff equally. okay some more than others but i dont have the time to seperate them into order of importance. sure i could probably fit most of my personal items in my car but then i'd have to leave my family behind. i feel bad for the people with the kids and the pets. oh well.
p.p.p.s. apparently interruptive isn't a real word. i think it sounds just fine.
i've been a lazy blogger these last couple of weeks partly because i was on vacation and then i was exhausted from all the vacationing. it wasn't your traditional vacation. i had to drive my new car down from la to houston. it took three days. i was by myself. it was fun but tiring. i only got lost twice which is shocking if you know me because i get lost easy. i dropped my uncle and his family at the airport and got on to the highway. i had been told that it would be one straight road the whole way so i was like sure why not, any fool can do this. forty minutes later i found I-10 closed due to road construction. it was way too early to be lost. i had to randomly select from the remaining two open roads and i picked one and kept driving in the hopes that eventually it would meet up with I-10. ten minutes later i was driving to nowhere so i took an exit. i stopped for breakfast at a mcdonalds where no one could speak english. i was handed splenda, sweet and low and ketchup before i finally got the sugar i asked for. then i drove around on the street looking for a hair place. i saw two. both were closed. i was mad because according to their door sign they were supposed to be open at this hour. it was only much later that i realized it was sunday. anyway having woken up at 4 in the morning to drop family at the airport i hadn't had the time to wash my hair so it was all flat and oily. i wanted happy bouncy hair for this trip because damn it i was in la. or at least i was driving through la. what if i bumped into seacrast at a signal? anyway this kind man at the gas station gave me good directions and i was back on i 10. i drove through la and out of california and into arizona which wasnt very pretty. mostly desert. i passed mountains, cacti, the occasional fly. it wasn't very fascinating but it was cool. just me, my music and some 18 cups of coffee.
i stopped in phoenix arizona. some place called baseline. and now this makes no sense but since baseline was a big road in boulder i figured it should be a decent road in arizona and of course i turn the corner and see a hair place that was open. i was stoked. the lady inside looked at me all strange. you just want me to wash your hair? mm hmm. and she did and she blow dried it too and it was all happy and bouncy again. 3 bucks totally well spent. i asked her if there was a starbucks close by and she said yeah in the mall. i had heard enough. i proceeded to find this mall which was just down the street. i ended up spending over an hour at the neiman marcus outlet store. see this was precisely why i had decided to do this drive thing by myself. this freedom to stop wherever for however long i wanted. i drove a couple more hours and stayed the night at a best western motel. it looked decent. plus they had free wireless and breakfast. i called mother and gave her all the information she requested. the physical address and exact location of said motel. what direction my room was facing, the dude at the counter's name. my room number, the hotel telephone number. any bit of information i could give her she would take. the poor lady has watched way too many lifetime movies. she probably didn't sleep very well that first night. i did. i made it just in time for the breakfast buffet. i was not going to miss a free buffet. you know the thing about these free breakfasts is when they say between 6 and 9 they're not kidding. if you show up at 8:55 like i did they've already started clearing stuff up. this lady was like hi honey, let me know if you want anything more from this platter before i clear it up. i was like um how bout you just leave everything here until i'm done. i didn't actually say that. i was like um ill have a muffin. i also ate the eggs and some bread and butter and coffee and some other sweet honey bun or something. then i set off. i stopped only to fill gas and pee. i had been advised not to use the rest area restrooms in arizona. something about giant scorpions.
the second day was not as fun. driving in 105 degree weather isnt much fun even with the a/c on full blast. i drove through new mexico and into texas which psychologically felt like i was getting closer to my destination but really texas is a huge ass place and i was maybe half done. that evening i planned to break around 8:30 but two things happened. one we were into central time zone so just like that i lost two hours. and two i was driving and driving and i could not see civilization. also it was getting super dark. at one point i finally saw a sign that said lodging next exit so i took the exit. right at the corner there was a car parked and a man was standing around looking very lost. he came up to my car and was trying to say something to me. i couldn't hear him because my window was up and i was not going to lower it for him. then the fool tried to open my door. i was like okay this is creepy and sped off. poor man, i'm pretty sure he was just lost. oh well. then i continued driving looking for some type of motel and i passed a cemetery and of course that's always reassuring. i finally saw a couple of lodges but they looked shady. they werent the standardized motels you see everywhere so i turned around and got back on the highway, i had to drive another couple of hours until i came to a city. i was a little freaked out after passing the cemetery so i started to imagine things. at one point i swore i saw something in my rear-view mirror. something, not some one. like a ghost type thing. and then i heard a noise so i was totally freaked out. i quickly reached into my bag for my rosary. the good catholic girl that i am, i always carry one of those around for exactly this type of scenario. anyway the noise turned out to be the a/c blowing on my bag of chips. and the ghost type thing we'll never know. eventually i reached a normal looking town. i called mother and went straight to bed. it was way past ten by the time i checked out the next morning.
day three wasn't as terrible as day two mostly because i was determined it would be my last day of driving. it was pretty uneventful. i stopped every couple of hours. got coffee, washed my face, did some local sight seeing by which i mean i went searching for this nail place that was lovely and all but sadly couldn't accommodate me for another 5 hours. apparently this lady was the only manicurist in the entire town. she told me to come back at 6 o'clock that evening. i was like um ill be in san antonio by 6 o'clock. anyway i got to drink some really good coffee at this one small restaurant. the lady even warmed up milk for me. then i drove some more wishing i owned more music. i had already listened to everything i owned. just when i was about to doze off i realized there were signs instructing all traffic to exit the highway. it was border patrol. they were stopping people and checking stuff. just like in the movies. mostly cars were driving by real slow. when it came to my turn the guy instructed me to stop. he stared at the insides of my car. to be fair it looked like i was running away from my country. i had suitcases and towels and food thrown around the back seat. that and apparently i appear hispanic. the guy was like where are you going and where are you coming from and are you a citizen of the united states. i was giggling at this point and he looked confused. eventually he let me go when he realized i was indian and not hispanic. he was like oh india. well okay then, drive safe. so i drove some more and then i saw this beautiful sunset and then i was home. to my bed and my couch and my shoes.
p.s. i am officially taking randeep hooda off my to do list. for one something tragic has happened to his face. he doesn't look like my rahul idiot from monsoon wedding anymore. also i saw this interview with him on mtv with anoushka and that girl from 'rock on' who i adore by the way and the whole time he was just being so incredibly annoying and interruptive and unfunny. he wouldn't let anyone else talk.
p.p.s. in other news i'm so over these damn hurricanes. the next one headed to houston is called ike. what kind of name is that? i refuse to be afraid of something named ike. now gustav i get. i was terrified of gustav. that and cnn kept saying how it could be the worst thing in the history of the universe. if there really were an order to evacuate i don't know how i'd pack. i couldn't not take all my stuff. i love all my stuff equally. okay some more than others but i dont have the time to seperate them into order of importance. sure i could probably fit most of my personal items in my car but then i'd have to leave my family behind. i feel bad for the people with the kids and the pets. oh well.
p.p.p.s. apparently interruptive isn't a real word. i think it sounds just fine.
Friday, August 08, 2008
since watching pineapple express 24 hours ago i have fallen madly in love with james franco. he would make the perfect neighbour don't you think? at least his character in the movie would. the movie itself wasn't extraordinary or anything but that being said i was totally cracking up the whole time. i left the theater feeling a little high. i would not have been surprised to turn around and find somebody smoking a joint behind me. it was that kind of audience. and yes everyone clapped at the end of the movie. the last time that happened was after 'akeelah and the bee' mostly due to mother who stood up, wiped a tear and started to applaud which then motivated the 5 other people in the theater to join in.
talking about mother she went to watch 'mama mia' again today along with her sister and a bunch of other auntyjees, all ardent abba fans. i refused to go with her both times. the first time she was mad because her sister who she was depending on to go with watched it first day first show with gaysin who had apparently booked tickets weeks in advance. i felt bad for mother but what can i say, i have barely recovered from watching mama mia the musical a couple of years ago. i was sitting between my parents, both of whom were singing along completely off key to the lyrics. i was so glad they had dimmed the lights.
also in response to all 8 of your comments - it is my birthday month. bestow me with your wishes bitches. muah.
talking about mother she went to watch 'mama mia' again today along with her sister and a bunch of other auntyjees, all ardent abba fans. i refused to go with her both times. the first time she was mad because her sister who she was depending on to go with watched it first day first show with gaysin who had apparently booked tickets weeks in advance. i felt bad for mother but what can i say, i have barely recovered from watching mama mia the musical a couple of years ago. i was sitting between my parents, both of whom were singing along completely off key to the lyrics. i was so glad they had dimmed the lights.
also in response to all 8 of your comments - it is my birthday month. bestow me with your wishes bitches. muah.
Friday, August 01, 2008
it's our favourite month of the year. also our favourite day of the week.
i will be back soon. i'll tell you about the ridiculously long drive back. and the border patrol force who interrogated me. also creepy man on roadside laying hands on shiny new car. also shiny new car. and getting your hair washed for 3 bucks. and the lady with the only nail salon in her town. and things i thought i saw in my rearview mirror. and why there's a piano in our garage. and how it's not fair to fine someone when it's clearly obvious that the only reason they took the ez toll was because they were lost. while you wait patiently for all that and more here's what makes him happy.
Friday, July 18, 2008
we were suddenly inspired to do a post on the sicrit blog. hehe. we feel evil.
if you're special and you have an invite please to enjoy. if you don't have an invite email me at bengloorgirlindenver@gmail.com. if you have asked for an invite and haven't received one yet chances are you are what inspired us to revive the dead blog so kindly go cry into a keyboard somewhere.
if you're special and you have an invite please to enjoy. if you don't have an invite email me at bengloorgirlindenver@gmail.com. if you have asked for an invite and haven't received one yet chances are you are what inspired us to revive the dead blog so kindly go cry into a keyboard somewhere.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
awwww such a brave little girl. i would be devastated if my disco died.
mother took a break this week from forwarding me warning emails about potential muggers in target parking lots and musical greeting cards with scenic backgrounds and/or babies dressed as various animals/fruits to show me instead this video. apparently it's all the rage with internet savvy desi auntyjees.
Friday, July 11, 2008
mother and black people
i'm just going to say it. mother is prejudiced towards black people. over the years she has come to believe that all the black people are after all the indian people's jewelery. she panics when we're out at night and she sees a black man in the distance. she starts running towards the car and will check the locks over and over again. this is not a laughing matter but her reaction cracks me up.
anyway brother has made a new friend and he's black. a fellow artist he met someplace. i've met the guy and yes he absolutely looks like he just escaped from prison but that doesn't necessarily make him a criminal. anyway he came over the other day and mother was introduced to him. she served him a snack and came right over to the living room where i was, to check with me if he made me nervous. i was like no ma, you're mad. go watch your lifetime movie but she was seriously panicking. the whole time he was here she kept checking to make sure all her precious dolls were still in the showcase. all i cared about was the tv and i was watching it so i wasn't worried.
anyway the guy came over again last night and stayed pretty late. around 11ish mother calls brother on his cell phone, asks him to come upstairs and proceeds to give him a lecture on this unacceptable situation. apparently she said something along the lines of "but you barely know him, aren't you bothered about our safety?" at this point brother, usually the polite respectful one, told her to lock her door if she was scared. bravo brother! so now there's this tension between the two and me being the delightful daughter and sister that i am have decided mother needs to get over this ridiculousness. y'all remember raven? i have decided to invite her over along with her mum, sister and baby for a meal. i've met her family. they're fun and seem like nice people so i went ahead and did a sort of pre invite, basically letting them know that i would be inviting them over shortly but now that i'm thinking about it i feel like i might have rushed into it a little. see raven is not the issue. it's her mum i'm worried about. she is known to show lots of boobage and you know how easily desi people are scandalized. they will cover their mouths in shock and shake their heads. i have been advised by bikerdude to wrap her in a shawl the minute she walks in the door and tell her it is some type of welcoming the guest tradition and i might seriously consider doing this.
the other thing is her mum is always talking about some hot man she just met. the other day she was telling me about these two indian guys she dated back in the day. i was like two indian guys? that's more than me! also with the baby being there mother might want to know where the baby daddy is and where her sister works. the answer to those two questions is 'somewhere around' and 'no where at the moment' respectively. you see what i'm saying? i don't want to invite this family over and just reinforce the stereotype mother is used to seeing on tv. ugh it's so complicated. i don't know what to do but mother has got to learn. i will figure this out and keep you guys posted.
p.s. if this goes well i'm going to invite gaybour over along with his "roommate" because that's another thing mother needs to get over. and brother too. like a lot of indian men he's homophobic and we need to cure that pronto. there's no knowing when gaysin will decide to out himself. look at me! tackling one social issue at a time. now hand me my nobel prize.
anyway brother has made a new friend and he's black. a fellow artist he met someplace. i've met the guy and yes he absolutely looks like he just escaped from prison but that doesn't necessarily make him a criminal. anyway he came over the other day and mother was introduced to him. she served him a snack and came right over to the living room where i was, to check with me if he made me nervous. i was like no ma, you're mad. go watch your lifetime movie but she was seriously panicking. the whole time he was here she kept checking to make sure all her precious dolls were still in the showcase. all i cared about was the tv and i was watching it so i wasn't worried.
anyway the guy came over again last night and stayed pretty late. around 11ish mother calls brother on his cell phone, asks him to come upstairs and proceeds to give him a lecture on this unacceptable situation. apparently she said something along the lines of "but you barely know him, aren't you bothered about our safety?" at this point brother, usually the polite respectful one, told her to lock her door if she was scared. bravo brother! so now there's this tension between the two and me being the delightful daughter and sister that i am have decided mother needs to get over this ridiculousness. y'all remember raven? i have decided to invite her over along with her mum, sister and baby for a meal. i've met her family. they're fun and seem like nice people so i went ahead and did a sort of pre invite, basically letting them know that i would be inviting them over shortly but now that i'm thinking about it i feel like i might have rushed into it a little. see raven is not the issue. it's her mum i'm worried about. she is known to show lots of boobage and you know how easily desi people are scandalized. they will cover their mouths in shock and shake their heads. i have been advised by bikerdude to wrap her in a shawl the minute she walks in the door and tell her it is some type of welcoming the guest tradition and i might seriously consider doing this.
the other thing is her mum is always talking about some hot man she just met. the other day she was telling me about these two indian guys she dated back in the day. i was like two indian guys? that's more than me! also with the baby being there mother might want to know where the baby daddy is and where her sister works. the answer to those two questions is 'somewhere around' and 'no where at the moment' respectively. you see what i'm saying? i don't want to invite this family over and just reinforce the stereotype mother is used to seeing on tv. ugh it's so complicated. i don't know what to do but mother has got to learn. i will figure this out and keep you guys posted.
p.s. if this goes well i'm going to invite gaybour over along with his "roommate" because that's another thing mother needs to get over. and brother too. like a lot of indian men he's homophobic and we need to cure that pronto. there's no knowing when gaysin will decide to out himself. look at me! tackling one social issue at a time. now hand me my nobel prize.
who do i have to marry to get my own televison channel?
as your tv watching favourite blogger i feel like now would be a good time to tell you what shows you need to be watching this summer because i realize summer tv choices aren't as choicy. it's true, the networks give us b grade crap to watch between the months of april and september. i don't get it. just because it's nice out do they assume we're all going to simultaneously jump off of our couches and head to the park? anyway there is no need to worry. i am here to help. and at absolutely no cost. all i ask is you give disco and obama your blessing.
alright starting off with this weekend, miss universe is on sunday night in the us and at some unearthly hour in india and in vietnam where it is being held. i recommend you watch it. last year was bloody brilliant. this time round we have a miss india who doesn't really look indian. i'd believe you if you told me she was latina or some type of middle eastern/european blend. she alright though. did well in a couple of preliminary rounds. my three step plan for her to take the title is as follows.
1. keep the hair down. let me clear up this misconception people seem to have about the air hostess bun. it is not a good luck charm for miss india. seriously. the stretched forehead look went out in the mid nineties. along with the white gloves.
2. go easy on the drag queen make up.
3. try not to fall on your ass. if at any time you find yourself falling reach out for miss usa. that bitch looks strong. plus everyone's so sure she's going to win this year and we don't like it when everyone's right. that and we'd really like to see a well coordinated group fall.
for detailed analysis go here. [warning: these guys are REALLY into it.]
next if you like funny people you need to be watching last comic standing. however i recommend you only watch the last 30 minutes of every show. this is the time they have so kindly allotted for joke telling. the first ninety minutes are mostly fillers. their most favourite filler is "coming up after the break". it's like why don't you just take the damn break and come back instead of this pre break post break sneak peak. that and they love wasting time with the whole secret voting thing after which they will show everyone, including the contestants, the tapes they have just recorded. it makes absolutely no sense. then there's the bitching and the i'm funnier than you type arguments. today they even wasted 10 minutes getting to the damn voting area. the drive there, their reactions on the chosen location, the comics taking their seats, papa cj apologizing to some chick because he just voted for her. gahhhhh! he's totally getting on my nerves. damn it i wish that varghese boy had made it instead.
now if like me you prefer more jokes per minute watch kathy griffin instead. her show is on thursdays. last comic standing is on at the same time but bravo has this weird thing they do where they'll show you a show and then repeat it like right away, so it's cool, you can watch both shows. also kathy's assistants are super fun. one of the girls has by the far the most infectious laugh on cable tv. [anyone watch the episode where the entire team flies to ireland with her dad's ashes and end up at his favourite pub where along with the locals they drink in his memory. sniff. it was so sweet. now all of a sudden i feel like breaking into "talli... mein talli.... mein talli ho gayi..." how awesome is that song? and mallika sherawat looks normal. sweet even.
anyway not to forget the biggest summer show on tv - the olympics!
bwahahahahaha. of course i was kidding. who wants to watch a bunch of sweaty people in spandex who constantly look like they're in great pain. instead i would suggest you watch spandex free project runway. it starts in 6 days. woo hoo!
as i type this brother is playing eye of the tiger on his guitar. i am very disturbed.
alright starting off with this weekend, miss universe is on sunday night in the us and at some unearthly hour in india and in vietnam where it is being held. i recommend you watch it. last year was bloody brilliant. this time round we have a miss india who doesn't really look indian. i'd believe you if you told me she was latina or some type of middle eastern/european blend. she alright though. did well in a couple of preliminary rounds. my three step plan for her to take the title is as follows.
1. keep the hair down. let me clear up this misconception people seem to have about the air hostess bun. it is not a good luck charm for miss india. seriously. the stretched forehead look went out in the mid nineties. along with the white gloves.
2. go easy on the drag queen make up.
3. try not to fall on your ass. if at any time you find yourself falling reach out for miss usa. that bitch looks strong. plus everyone's so sure she's going to win this year and we don't like it when everyone's right. that and we'd really like to see a well coordinated group fall.
for detailed analysis go here. [warning: these guys are REALLY into it.]
next if you like funny people you need to be watching last comic standing. however i recommend you only watch the last 30 minutes of every show. this is the time they have so kindly allotted for joke telling. the first ninety minutes are mostly fillers. their most favourite filler is "coming up after the break". it's like why don't you just take the damn break and come back instead of this pre break post break sneak peak. that and they love wasting time with the whole secret voting thing after which they will show everyone, including the contestants, the tapes they have just recorded. it makes absolutely no sense. then there's the bitching and the i'm funnier than you type arguments. today they even wasted 10 minutes getting to the damn voting area. the drive there, their reactions on the chosen location, the comics taking their seats, papa cj apologizing to some chick because he just voted for her. gahhhhh! he's totally getting on my nerves. damn it i wish that varghese boy had made it instead.
now if like me you prefer more jokes per minute watch kathy griffin instead. her show is on thursdays. last comic standing is on at the same time but bravo has this weird thing they do where they'll show you a show and then repeat it like right away, so it's cool, you can watch both shows. also kathy's assistants are super fun. one of the girls has by the far the most infectious laugh on cable tv. [anyone watch the episode where the entire team flies to ireland with her dad's ashes and end up at his favourite pub where along with the locals they drink in his memory. sniff. it was so sweet. now all of a sudden i feel like breaking into "talli... mein talli.... mein talli ho gayi..." how awesome is that song? and mallika sherawat looks normal. sweet even.
anyway not to forget the biggest summer show on tv - the olympics!
bwahahahahaha. of course i was kidding. who wants to watch a bunch of sweaty people in spandex who constantly look like they're in great pain. instead i would suggest you watch spandex free project runway. it starts in 6 days. woo hoo!
as i type this brother is playing eye of the tiger on his guitar. i am very disturbed.
Wednesday, July 09, 2008
hump day stories
i just found out this lame ass woman won a bunch of money in our inter office photo contest. the winning picture is of her 5 year old eating watermelon. the kid isnt particularly good looking or anything, plus you can totally tell she's fake posing. i feel robbed even though i never entered the stupid contest.
in other news this incredibly happy man with giant manboobs just said to me "i had an easy subtraction error this morning so obviously im all like woo hoooo." i have no idea what the fool was talking about and i was definitely not going to ask so i made my half second laughing noise and he left. yeah. super weird.
you take care now blaudience while i get back to my fascinating life where i sit around dreaming about my upcoming vacation. 2 weeks to go bitch. woo hoo!
also my comic discovery of the month from this season's last comic standing [and no it's not papa cj the token desi on the show who might be funny if he would quit singing all of his jokes] is this fool - paul foot. youtube him.
in other news this incredibly happy man with giant manboobs just said to me "i had an easy subtraction error this morning so obviously im all like woo hoooo." i have no idea what the fool was talking about and i was definitely not going to ask so i made my half second laughing noise and he left. yeah. super weird.
you take care now blaudience while i get back to my fascinating life where i sit around dreaming about my upcoming vacation. 2 weeks to go bitch. woo hoo!
also my comic discovery of the month from this season's last comic standing [and no it's not papa cj the token desi on the show who might be funny if he would quit singing all of his jokes] is this fool - paul foot. youtube him.
Tuesday, July 08, 2008
i see orange people
american women have been wearing makeup for years now [and by makeup i mean full makeup] so they think they know what they're doing. the current most popular look for a modern woman is the clean 'no makeup' look which is fine except on the way to looking not made up they end up looking biracial. let me explain. after the liquid foundation/mineral makeup powder has been set and the evening of the skin tone has taken place there is this natural bronzing step that follows. you are told to apply the bronzer where the sun naturally hits your cheek. apparently there's this one part of the cheek that the sun is supposed to hit but turns out the sun doesn't know shit and so you must do its job for it. once your cheek has been bronzed it must be blushed. that way it looks like you just tasted your desi colleague's thenginkaayi chutney while simultaneously spotting your office crush. tres natural. other ways to attain this look - calling your desi colleague 'appu'. this method works best. the redness will stay all day.
moving on to the next step, and to the most important part of the face - the eyes. more specifically the brightening of the eyes. look up eye brighteners - they're all the rage. so basically some type of eye brightener is applied along with a shiny white powder in the area surrounding the eyes. this is to make your eyes pop. [other ways to make your eyes pop - matching your necklace to your eye colour, colouring your hair red, using blue eyeliner thereby making the whitepart of your eyes whiter. yes i watch lots of makeover type shows] this will leave you with a slightly pale complexion on 50% of your face. about 20% of your face will be naturally orange and for upto 3 inches below the eyes you're rocking the albino look. wonderful. you now look wide awake. the mascara in your eyelashes whilst making your eyes appear super big also make you look slightly hillary clinton-esque. but we're not done yet because no modern woman's look is complete without the lip gloss. matte lipstick is so your mother. and her mother. not you. your lips must stay shiny all day. and we're not just talking a little shiny. your lips must act as natural mirrors reflecting the sun's rays. see this is how you get it to bounce off onto your cheekbones. the thing about super shiny lip gloss - 1. you look like a natural bimbo without even opening your mouth. and 2. there's this strange unexplained correlation between super shiny lips and a permanent pout.
for perfect examples of this type of makeup see your local newscaster. also the people from e news. but they're from la and everyone's that shade of orange there so they're cool.
p.s. while our american counterparts are trying to replicate all the colours of the rainbow on their face we in india are only trying to get to one shade - white. nonsense rubbish.
never mind. i just saw the new priyanka chopra ad where you can pick what shade of white you want to be. pale white or pinkish white.
picture courtesy bikerdodanna.
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