is there such a thing as carom board powder because i swear just now i could smell it on this guy. i wanted to warn him of the possibility of a skin rash but i wasnt sure if he would know what carom board powder was or even what a carom board was. also maybe my family was cheap and used regular powder the whole time we were kids. i might never find out.

raise your hand if you think this is deep enough for a postsecret entry.

nick and norah's infinite playlist and meeting vip bloggers.

sigh. this movie is very special. it is sweet and funny and smart. the entire cast is adorable - nick and norah, nick's gay band mates, norah's drunk and unbelievably gross best friend, the couple making out in the backseat of the car, the car, the solo dancing idiot, devendra banhart and his equally ridiculous friend at the store, man unwilling to part with turkey sandwich, man at ticket counter, smoking jesus, the music [richard hawley, we are scientists], ny city at night. really. all adorable. but especially nick and norah. they're musical soulmates and they're perfect for each other. i love how all of nick's friends know instantly that norah is the one for their friend and they have accessories in the back of their van to help her shine*. i love the moments in the studio and in the car and in the van and on the escalator.

you know a movie's good when you're smiling for the entire duration of it and you want it to go on a little bit longer. you can watch some clips here here and here but i suggest you go watch the whole thing. and no it's not too young for you. unless you're like 30. :)

in other devastating news i just found out my most favourite billboard is gone. what used to be 'need laser? call 713 R U HAIRY' is now 'pregnant? scared? you're not alone'. sniff. i miss that billboard. it made me giggle every evening on my way home from work. and most importantly it reminded me of koodal karen.

in blogger news i got to meet the very famous puppy manohar. i realized too late that i had forgotten to carry my autograph book with me so he is just going to have to fax me a copy. we ate some decent south indian food while i quizzed him on the whereabouts and other um choices of baby vyjayanti. then kp our designated driver showed us around various side streets of houston that were still without power after the hurricane and were therefore pitch dark and filled with tree debris. after the fun sightseeing we attempted to watch 'burn after reading' from some bucket seats whilst trying not to go squint. all in all a very fun evening. [we link to kp in the hopes that someone will appreciate his genius writing skills]

also i realize it's kind of late to talk about the emmys but someone asked so yeah i did watch and yeah i cheered when tina fey and 30 rock won again. my most favourite dress was heidi klum. not the silver grey red carpet one but the yellow grey one she wore while hosting. she changed like 8 times so you might have missed it but it was beautiful this dress. like a painting. later on i found out it was a christian siriano dress. see.

p.s. movie theater pretzels suck. also do not be fooled into buying the new wrigleys doublemint cute pack. sure it has a cool flap but it don't taste the same. weird and grainy is not the same.

*shine = lift and separate her boobs.

happy fall.

lettuce come together brown people.

kindly be seeing.

with regard to sepia mutiny [and the other desi group blogs that seem to follow a similar pattern] i think it's hysterical how obsessed they've become with discovering potential candidates to accuse of racism and stereotyping. i mean anything any white person says about brown people is scrutinized until through some weird logic it is proven to be offensive.

what amazes me tremendously is their ability to spot all these random desi people in the background at some political rally or on some 2 minute spot on tv. you'd think they have some type of special application on their tivo to pause every time it sees brown. i mean i watch a lot of tv but holy crap did you know there was recently a brown person "representing" us on a cooking reality show for all of 20 minutes after which they were tragically eliminated thus dashing a billion hopes whilst managing to leave a crack in the glass ceiling for future desi chefs who want to be on reality tv. i'm surprised they didn't start some type of online petition protesting the cut.

also at the bottom of their page it says and i'm not making this up - "to prevent comment spam, please type the word brown below". and it doesnt work if you type wheatish complexioned.

it's time for a gtalk talk post. warning: all gtalk talk posts are extremely silly.

Siddharth's new status message - I wish I could live in the dream that I fly on tarred & feathered wings 12:36 AM

me: wtf does that mean?

me: why tarred and feathered?

why not tarred and glittered?

Siddharth: you don't know tarred and feathered aa?

me: no

Siddharth: in the olden days if you were accused of something

me: they cut your head off yes?

Siddharth: they would put a vat of tar on you and then put feathers and make you go around the city

AND THEN cut your head off

me: dont lie. they didnt have tar back then

they didn't have roads

me: u know when ppl say india zindabad

pakistan murdabad

i always get confused

Siddharth: yes

me: if they say zindabad it's good

and if they say murdabad it's bad no?
Siddharth: good doubt

me: good doubt it seems

Siddharth: you know

i didn't know what dhedh and dhai difference was

i kept getting confused

and then one movie released called dhai akshar prem ke

and i knew there were two and a half letters in the hindi prem

so that's how i know

me: omfg

dhai akshar prem ke

is also how i learnt that they have special words for half numbers

Siddharth: im glad you are my pgf

me: first of all their whole numbers are so hard

like in normal languages if u know 1 to 19

Siddharth: i dont know after 25

Siddharth: yes yes

me: and then 20 30 40 etc u can do the rest

Siddharth: yes yes

me: but in hindi it's so random

Siddharth: exactly

i know ninyanave

because it's always ek sow ninyanave

isn't that the coolest word?

ninyanave

me: i know shoonya

because on that surabhi show on dd

remember with renuka shahane?

she used to read the postal address

Siddharth: heheheehe

i know
you know what decimal point is?

me: and it had so many shoonyas in it

Siddharth: i know

decimal is dhashamlau

because temperature in chennai is always chaalees dhasamlau nou

me: heh

paapa chennai peoples

Siddharth: http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_Wn___Ao8fQ4/SMXDmN6oDsI/AAAAAAAAAQE/jc9wK8Cgavc/s1600-h/P1010144.JPG

me: hehe. i know

Siddharth: are you shitting me?

me: i'm sure they looked less cheap greeting card in person

me: tell me abt zindabad murdabad

u know the diff?

Siddharth: murd sounds like murder

and zinda means living
does that help?
me: yes yes
Pri's new status message - 'lehman brothers murdabad tiwari brothers zindabad' 1:13 AM
Siddarth: who are the lehman brothers?
me: nobody

after today

muahahahaa

p.s. no offense meant to blogger linked. the flowers you pick don't make you who you are.

my hurricane story

preparation -

i prepare for the hurricane by stocking up on burts bees wax chapstick and nivea. there are no long lines at walgreens unlike at the grocery store and the gas station.

brother stocks the refrigerator with beer and ice cream.

mother starts storing water in every available pot. this after both bathtubs have been filled with water. all this water storage reminds her of her childhood. i point to anderson cooper on tv before she starts one of her 'when we were young' stories.

the night before - brother plays the piano in the garage with the garage door up even though it has started to rain. i make comment about brother being like the captain of the titanic willing to go down with his ship. mother insists i go take a picture of him in the garage. further comments about him floating off on his piano stool are not appreciated by mother. brother doesn't take any warning seriously. he wanders around the neighborhood looking to save cats and other traumatized animals while mother yells for him to get back inside.

the night of the hurricane i decide it would be wise to sleep in the coridoor. my bed is right near the window and right outside the window is a massive tree. i search for my rosary which i am unable to detach from my earphones and place it under my pillow. i sleep for a bit and wake up when i hear a loud noise. brother points to a metal roof on the other side of the street about to lift off and crash into a nearby window or car of its choice. we watch for a while, get bored and look to the television for more dramatic pictures. the power keeps going off so i go back to sleep. and i sleep good too. with dreams and stuff. i distinctly remember turquoise earings and shopping with sunnu. i wake up saturday morning when dad calls and proceed to check if my tv made it through the night. it did. my directv international dish is still in place. i doubt the internet will work. it would be asking for too much. but omg i can see google! i put my rosary away.

saturday morning -

gaysin calls. you guys have power?

yeah.

gaysin - what? we lost power this morning.

oh.

gaysin - you'll probably lose power too. they're saying most people will lose power.

well the hurricane's gone so..

gaysin - yeah but they're saying everyone will lose power.

right... how about i inform you once we lose it?


saturday afternoon -

mother [yelling from upstairs] have you seen anderson cooper?

what?

mother - have you seen him? because i haven't seen him since last night.

im sure he's fine ma.

mother - ya but he was reporting from downtown houston last night and that's where all those glass buildings were.

i'm sure anderson is smart enough to get out of the way of falling glass.

mother - but he hasnt reported since last night. it's afternoon now.

good god mother. im sure cnn would have said something is he were dead.



every 30 mins or so gaysin and his mother call in to check if we still have power.

dude we still have power. we still have cable. we still have the internet.

gaysin - internet also? oh.

like i said. i will inform you once we lose power. okay?


gaysin calls while i'm painting my toe nails.

gaysin calls while im watching dan in real life.

STILL HAVE IT!

ma why do they keep calling?

ma: i dont know. they're bored without electrictity. you think i should invite them to come here?

oh god no!


gaysin calls again - you'll dont have water is it?

bahhhhh! the pressure is very low.

gaysin - yeah we just spoke to aunty d [this person lives on the other side of the planet by the way] and she was saying you guys didnt have water.

yes yes no water here.

gaysin - didnt you guys fill up your bathtubs?

we did. we're fine.

gaysin - oh okay. we have water here.

excellent.


and before you know it it's the end of the weekend and i have to be at work tomorrow. sniff.

oh and disco's okay too.

tina fey got almost everything right. flesh coloured lipstick would have completed the look.

holy crap it's been so long blogger even looks different.

warning: i wrote like 75% of this post weeks ago. then i got lazy and forgot all about it. today i decided i might as well publish it and so i dug it out and did this hurried two minute ending. sorry but thanks for being all patient and adoring. sniff. okay here.


i've been a lazy blogger these last couple of weeks partly because i was on vacation and then i was exhausted from all the vacationing. it wasn't your traditional vacation. i had to drive my new car down from la to houston. it took three days. i was by myself. it was fun but tiring. i only got lost twice which is shocking if you know me because i get lost easy. i dropped my uncle and his family at the airport and got on to the highway. i had been told that it would be one straight road the whole way so i was like sure why not, any fool can do this. forty minutes later i found I-10 closed due to road construction. it was way too early to be lost. i had to randomly select from the remaining two open roads and i picked one and kept driving in the hopes that eventually it would meet up with I-10. ten minutes later i was driving to nowhere so i took an exit. i stopped for breakfast at a mcdonalds where no one could speak english. i was handed splenda, sweet and low and ketchup before i finally got the sugar i asked for. then i drove around on the street looking for a hair place. i saw two. both were closed. i was mad because according to their door sign they were supposed to be open at this hour. it was only much later that i realized it was sunday. anyway having woken up at 4 in the morning to drop family at the airport i hadn't had the time to wash my hair so it was all flat and oily. i wanted happy bouncy hair for this trip because damn it i was in la. or at least i was driving through la. what if i bumped into seacrast at a signal? anyway this kind man at the gas station gave me good directions and i was back on i 10. i drove through la and out of california and into arizona which wasnt very pretty. mostly desert. i passed mountains, cacti, the occasional fly. it wasn't very fascinating but it was cool. just me, my music and some 18 cups of coffee.

i stopped in phoenix arizona. some place called baseline. and now this makes no sense but since baseline was a big road in boulder i figured it should be a decent road in arizona and of course i turn the corner and see a hair place that was open. i was stoked. the lady inside looked at me all strange. you just want me to wash your hair? mm hmm. and she did and she blow dried it too and it was all happy and bouncy again. 3 bucks totally well spent. i asked her if there was a starbucks close by and she said yeah in the mall. i had heard enough. i proceeded to find this mall which was just down the street. i ended up spending over an hour at the neiman marcus outlet store. see this was precisely why i had decided to do this drive thing by myself. this freedom to stop wherever for however long i wanted. i drove a couple more hours and stayed the night at a best western motel. it looked decent. plus they had free wireless and breakfast. i called mother and gave her all the information she requested. the physical address and exact location of said motel. what direction my room was facing, the dude at the counter's name. my room number, the hotel telephone number. any bit of information i could give her she would take. the poor lady has watched way too many lifetime movies. she probably didn't sleep very well that first night. i did. i made it just in time for the breakfast buffet. i was not going to miss a free buffet. you know the thing about these free breakfasts is when they say between 6 and 9 they're not kidding. if you show up at 8:55 like i did they've already started clearing stuff up. this lady was like hi honey, let me know if you want anything more from this platter before i clear it up. i was like um how bout you just leave everything here until i'm done. i didn't actually say that. i was like um ill have a muffin. i also ate the eggs and some bread and butter and coffee and some other sweet honey bun or something. then i set off. i stopped only to fill gas and pee. i had been advised not to use the rest area restrooms in arizona. something about giant scorpions.

the second day was not as fun. driving in 105 degree weather isnt much fun even with the a/c on full blast. i drove through new mexico and into texas which psychologically felt like i was getting closer to my destination but really texas is a huge ass place and i was maybe half done. that evening i planned to break around 8:30 but two things happened. one we were into central time zone so just like that i lost two hours. and two i was driving and driving and i could not see civilization. also it was getting super dark. at one point i finally saw a sign that said lodging next exit so i took the exit. right at the corner there was a car parked and a man was standing around looking very lost. he came up to my car and was trying to say something to me. i couldn't hear him because my window was up and i was not going to lower it for him. then the fool tried to open my door. i was like okay this is creepy and sped off. poor man, i'm pretty sure he was just lost. oh well. then i continued driving looking for some type of motel and i passed a cemetery and of course that's always reassuring. i finally saw a couple of lodges but they looked shady. they werent the standardized motels you see everywhere so i turned around and got back on the highway, i had to drive another couple of hours until i came to a city. i was a little freaked out after passing the cemetery so i started to imagine things. at one point i swore i saw something in my rear-view mirror. something, not some one. like a ghost type thing. and then i heard a noise so i was totally freaked out. i quickly reached into my bag for my rosary. the good catholic girl that i am, i always carry one of those around for exactly this type of scenario. anyway the noise turned out to be the a/c blowing on my bag of chips. and the ghost type thing we'll never know. eventually i reached a normal looking town. i called mother and went straight to bed. it was way past ten by the time i checked out the next morning.

day three wasn't as terrible as day two mostly because i was determined it would be my last day of driving. it was pretty uneventful. i stopped every couple of hours. got coffee, washed my face, did some local sight seeing by which i mean i went searching for this nail place that was lovely and all but sadly couldn't accommodate me for another 5 hours. apparently this lady was the only manicurist in the entire town. she told me to come back at 6 o'clock that evening. i was like um ill be in san antonio by 6 o'clock. anyway i got to drink some really good coffee at this one small restaurant. the lady even warmed up milk for me. then i drove some more wishing i owned more music. i had already listened to everything i owned. just when i was about to doze off i realized there were signs instructing all traffic to exit the highway. it was border patrol. they were stopping people and checking stuff. just like in the movies. mostly cars were driving by real slow. when it came to my turn the guy instructed me to stop. he stared at the insides of my car. to be fair it looked like i was running away from my country. i had suitcases and towels and food thrown around the back seat. that and apparently i appear hispanic. the guy was like where are you going and where are you coming from and are you a citizen of the united states. i was giggling at this point and he looked confused. eventually he let me go when he realized i was indian and not hispanic. he was like oh india. well okay then, drive safe. so i drove some more and then i saw this beautiful sunset and then i was home. to my bed and my couch and my shoes.

p.s. i am officially taking randeep hooda off my to do list. for one something tragic has happened to his face. he doesn't look like my rahul idiot from monsoon wedding anymore. also i saw this interview with him on mtv with anoushka and that girl from 'rock on' who i adore by the way and the whole time he was just being so incredibly annoying and interruptive and unfunny. he wouldn't let anyone else talk.

p.p.s. in other news i'm so over these damn hurricanes. the next one headed to houston is called ike. what kind of name is that? i refuse to be afraid of something named ike. now gustav i get. i was terrified of gustav. that and cnn kept saying how it could be the worst thing in the history of the universe. if there really were an order to evacuate i don't know how i'd pack. i couldn't not take all my stuff. i love all my stuff equally. okay some more than others but i dont have the time to seperate them into order of importance. sure i could probably fit most of my personal items in my car but then i'd have to leave my family behind. i feel bad for the people with the kids and the pets. oh well.

p.p.p.s. apparently interruptive isn't a real word. i think it sounds just fine.

since watching pineapple express 24 hours ago i have fallen madly in love with james franco. he would make the perfect neighbour don't you think? at least his character in the movie would. the movie itself wasn't extraordinary or anything but that being said i was totally cracking up the whole time. i left the theater feeling a little high. i would not have been surprised to turn around and find somebody smoking a joint behind me. it was that kind of audience. and yes everyone clapped at the end of the movie. the last time that happened was after 'akeelah and the bee' mostly due to mother who stood up, wiped a tear and started to applaud which then motivated the 5 other people in the theater to join in.

talking about mother she went to watch 'mama mia' again today along with her sister and a bunch of other auntyjees, all ardent abba fans. i refused to go with her both times. the first time she was mad because her sister who she was depending on to go with watched it first day first show with gaysin who had apparently booked tickets weeks in advance. i felt bad for mother but what can i say, i have barely recovered from watching mama mia the musical a couple of years ago. i was sitting between my parents, both of whom were singing along completely off key to the lyrics. i was so glad they had dimmed the lights.

also in response to all 8 of your comments - it is my birthday month. bestow me with your wishes bitches. muah.

it's our favourite month of the year. also our favourite day of the week.

i will be back soon. i'll tell you about the ridiculously long drive back. and the border patrol force who interrogated me. also creepy man on roadside laying hands on shiny new car. also shiny new car. and getting your hair washed for 3 bucks. and the lady with the only nail salon in her town. and things i thought i saw in my rearview mirror. and why there's a piano in our garage. and how it's not fair to fine someone when it's clearly obvious that the only reason they took the ez toll was because they were lost. while you wait patiently for all that and more here's what makes him happy.

we were suddenly inspired to do a post on the sicrit blog. hehe. we feel evil.

if you're special and you have an invite please to enjoy. if you don't have an invite email me at bengloorgirlindenver@gmail.com. if you have asked for an invite and haven't received one yet chances are you are what inspired us to revive the dead blog so kindly go cry into a keyboard somewhere.

awwww such a brave little girl. i would be devastated if my disco died.

mother took a break this week from forwarding me warning emails about potential muggers in target parking lots and musical greeting cards with scenic backgrounds and/or babies dressed as various animals/fruits to show me instead this video. apparently it's all the rage with internet savvy desi auntyjees.

mother and black people

i'm just going to say it. mother is prejudiced towards black people. over the years she has come to believe that all the black people are after all the indian people's jewelery. she panics when we're out at night and she sees a black man in the distance. she starts running towards the car and will check the locks over and over again. this is not a laughing matter but her reaction cracks me up.

anyway brother has made a new friend and he's black. a fellow artist he met someplace. i've met the guy and yes he absolutely looks like he just escaped from prison but that doesn't necessarily make him a criminal. anyway he came over the other day and mother was introduced to him. she served him a snack and came right over to the living room where i was, to check with me if he made me nervous. i was like no ma, you're mad. go watch your lifetime movie but she was seriously panicking. the whole time he was here she kept checking to make sure all her precious dolls were still in the showcase. all i cared about was the tv and i was watching it so i wasn't worried.

anyway the guy came over again last night and stayed pretty late. around 11ish mother calls brother on his cell phone, asks him to come upstairs and proceeds to give him a lecture on this unacceptable situation. apparently she said something along the lines of "but you barely know him, aren't you bothered about our safety?" at this point brother, usually the polite respectful one, told her to lock her door if she was scared. bravo brother! so now there's this tension between the two and me being the delightful daughter and sister that i am have decided mother needs to get over this ridiculousness. y'all remember raven? i have decided to invite her over along with her mum, sister and baby for a meal. i've met her family. they're fun and seem like nice people so i went ahead and did a sort of pre invite, basically letting them know that i would be inviting them over shortly but now that i'm thinking about it i feel like i might have rushed into it a little. see raven is not the issue. it's her mum i'm worried about. she is known to show lots of boobage and you know how easily desi people are scandalized. they will cover their mouths in shock and shake their heads. i have been advised by bikerdude to wrap her in a shawl the minute she walks in the door and tell her it is some type of welcoming the guest tradition and i might seriously consider doing this.

the other thing is her mum is always talking about some hot man she just met. the other day she was telling me about these two indian guys she dated back in the day. i was like two indian guys? that's more than me! also with the baby being there mother might want to know where the baby daddy is and where her sister works. the answer to those two questions is 'somewhere around' and 'no where at the moment' respectively. you see what i'm saying? i don't want to invite this family over and just reinforce the stereotype mother is used to seeing on tv. ugh it's so complicated. i don't know what to do but mother has got to learn. i will figure this out and keep you guys posted.

p.s. if this goes well i'm going to invite gaybour over along with his "roommate" because that's another thing mother needs to get over. and brother too. like a lot of indian men he's homophobic and we need to cure that pronto. there's no knowing when gaysin will decide to out himself. look at me! tackling one social issue at a time. now hand me my nobel prize.

who do i have to marry to get my own televison channel?

as your tv watching favourite blogger i feel like now would be a good time to tell you what shows you need to be watching this summer because i realize summer tv choices aren't as choicy. it's true, the networks give us b grade crap to watch between the months of april and september. i don't get it. just because it's nice out do they assume we're all going to simultaneously jump off of our couches and head to the park? anyway there is no need to worry. i am here to help. and at absolutely no cost. all i ask is you give disco and obama your blessing.

alright starting off with this weekend, miss universe is on sunday night in the us and at some unearthly hour in india and in vietnam where it is being held. i recommend you watch it. last year was bloody brilliant. this time round we have a miss india who doesn't really look indian. i'd believe you if you told me she was latina or some type of middle eastern/european blend. she alright though. did well in a couple of preliminary rounds. my three step plan for her to take the title is as follows.

1. keep the hair down. let me clear up this misconception people seem to have about the air hostess bun. it is not a good luck charm for miss india. seriously. the stretched forehead look went out in the mid nineties. along with the white gloves.

2. go easy on the drag queen make up.

3. try not to fall on your ass. if at any time you find yourself falling reach out for miss usa. that bitch looks strong. plus everyone's so sure she's going to win this year and we don't like it when everyone's right. that and we'd really like to see a well coordinated group fall.

for detailed analysis go here. [warning: these guys are REALLY into it.]

next if you like funny people you need to be watching last comic standing. however i recommend you only watch the last 30 minutes of every show. this is the time they have so kindly allotted for joke telling. the first ninety minutes are mostly fillers. their most favourite filler is "coming up after the break". it's like why don't you just take the damn break and come back instead of this pre break post break sneak peak. that and they love wasting time with the whole secret voting thing after which they will show everyone, including the contestants, the tapes they have just recorded. it makes absolutely no sense. then there's the bitching and the i'm funnier than you type arguments. today they even wasted 10 minutes getting to the damn voting area. the drive there, their reactions on the chosen location, the comics taking their seats, papa cj apologizing to some chick because he just voted for her. gahhhhh! he's totally getting on my nerves. damn it i wish that varghese boy had made it instead.

now if like me you prefer more jokes per minute watch kathy griffin instead. her show is on thursdays. last comic standing is on at the same time but bravo has this weird thing they do where they'll show you a show and then repeat it like right away, so it's cool, you can watch both shows. also kathy's assistants are super fun. one of the girls has by the far the most infectious laugh on cable tv. [anyone watch the episode where the entire team flies to ireland with her dad's ashes and end up at his favourite pub where along with the locals they drink in his memory. sniff. it was so sweet. now all of a sudden i feel like breaking into "talli... mein talli.... mein talli ho gayi..." how awesome is that song? and mallika sherawat looks normal. sweet even.

anyway not to forget the biggest summer show on tv - the olympics!



bwahahahahaha. of course i was kidding. who wants to watch a bunch of sweaty people in spandex who constantly look like they're in great pain. instead i would suggest you watch spandex free project runway. it starts in 6 days. woo hoo!

as i type this brother is playing eye of the tiger on his guitar. i am very disturbed.

hump day stories

i just found out this lame ass woman won a bunch of money in our inter office photo contest. the winning picture is of her 5 year old eating watermelon. the kid isnt particularly good looking or anything, plus you can totally tell she's fake posing. i feel robbed even though i never entered the stupid contest.

in other news this incredibly happy man with giant manboobs just said to me "i had an easy subtraction error this morning so obviously im all like woo hoooo." i have no idea what the fool was talking about and i was definitely not going to ask so i made my half second laughing noise and he left. yeah. super weird.

you take care now blaudience while i get back to my fascinating life where i sit around dreaming about my upcoming vacation. 2 weeks to go bitch. woo hoo!

also my comic discovery of the month from this season's last comic standing [and no it's not papa cj the token desi on the show who might be funny if he would quit singing all of his jokes] is this fool - paul foot. youtube him.

i see orange people

american women have been wearing makeup for years now [and by makeup i mean full makeup] so they think they know what they're doing. the current most popular look for a modern woman is the clean 'no makeup' look which is fine except on the way to looking not made up they end up looking biracial. let me explain. after the liquid foundation/mineral makeup powder has been set and the evening of the skin tone has taken place there is this natural bronzing step that follows. you are told to apply the bronzer where the sun naturally hits your cheek. apparently there's this one part of the cheek that the sun is supposed to hit but turns out the sun doesn't know shit and so you must do its job for it. once your cheek has been bronzed it must be blushed. that way it looks like you just tasted your desi colleague's thenginkaayi chutney while simultaneously spotting your office crush. tres natural. other ways to attain this look - calling your desi colleague 'appu'. this method works best. the redness will stay all day.

moving on to the next step, and to the most important part of the face - the eyes. more specifically the brightening of the eyes. look up eye brighteners - they're all the rage. so basically some type of eye brightener is applied along with a shiny white powder in the area surrounding the eyes. this is to make your eyes pop. [other ways to make your eyes pop - matching your necklace to your eye colour, colouring your hair red, using blue eyeliner thereby making the whitepart of your eyes whiter. yes i watch lots of makeover type shows] this will leave you with a slightly pale complexion on 50% of your face. about 20% of your face will be naturally orange and for upto 3 inches below the eyes you're rocking the albino look. wonderful. you now look wide awake. the mascara in your eyelashes whilst making your eyes appear super big also make you look slightly hillary clinton-esque. but we're not done yet because no modern woman's look is complete without the lip gloss. matte lipstick is so your mother. and her mother. not you. your lips must stay shiny all day. and we're not just talking a little shiny. your lips must act as natural mirrors reflecting the sun's rays. see this is how you get it to bounce off onto your cheekbones. the thing about super shiny lip gloss - 1. you look like a natural bimbo without even opening your mouth. and 2. there's this strange unexplained correlation between super shiny lips and a permanent pout.

for perfect examples of this type of makeup see your local newscaster. also the people from e news. but they're from la and everyone's that shade of orange there so they're cool.

p.s. while our american counterparts are trying to replicate all the colours of the rainbow on their face we in india are only trying to get to one shade - white. nonsense rubbish.

never mind. i just saw the new priyanka chopra ad where you can pick what shade of white you want to be. pale white or pinkish white.

picture courtesy bikerdodanna.

and now for some completely useless trivia....

that new kid from jaane tu ya jaane na [the one you're too embarrassed to admit you have a crush on] is going out with this chick [i know this because i look at what people wear to red carpet premieres] who i spotted in an ill fitting blue shiny number holding hands with our hero for no apparent reason. i then reached deep into the television archives of my brain, way back to the nineties for sony entertainment television programming and voila i recognized said girl. she used to be on that show 'just mohabbat'. raise your hand if you had a crush on jai. anyway now that i've watched the movie and fallen in love with it [any movie starring best friends who fall in love has my vote especially if boy best friend has bushy eyebrows] i realized that jai and aditi the central characters in this movie happen to share names with the central characters on just mohabbat.

that's all i've got.

p.s. is there a way i could possibly make some money from all of this knowledge accumulated in my brain from all these years of tv viewing. it will come in handy some day no?

p.p.s. the loner brother in jaane tu ya jaane na [one of my favourite characters in the movie] is supposedly raj babbar's son. more importantly smita patil's son. we like muchly.

raven from work has a bit of a situation. she is looking for a good stylist who can cut and perm her hair, only she doesn’t know how to ask said person over the phone if they cut black peoples' hair. now this is an important question to ask because nobody wants someone experimenting on their hair but i get how it might be slightly awkward to bring it up. that and raven is shy. but more importantly raven doesn’t talk black. in fact raven has often been described as the whitest black girl you will ever meet. this doesn’t mean raven talks white. raven is just raven. she has what you would call an indeterminate accent and for the seven months or so that i have known her she has only spoken in one tone. one very very low tone. even her laughter tends to be in the same tone which has lead to much horror for virgin listeners.

anyway me being the wonderfully helpful co worker that i am, offered a creative solution to her problem.

"look it's really simple. you just want to convey to the other person that you're black, that way they can tell you if they're qualified to do a good job with your hair or not. so all you have to do is call and be like hey girrrrrrrrrrrrrl! wasssup? this is shaneequa and i was just calling to axe you if you could cut my hair."

i also suggested she play hip hop music in the background.

she decided my recommendation although hysterical [she made me do my fake black accent for the rest of the office] was highly useless and so she called her mother instead. her mum told her to just directly ask if they did african american hair. she also added "but girl, if you hear an asian accent at the other end of the phone you better hang the eff up."


this morning raven was all happy because she had managed to get herself an appointment.

me: ooh how did you do it?

raven: oh my mum called the lady for me.

me: really? so how did she ask her?

raven: oh. she's already black.

me: okay then. i guess that solves that.

raven: oh and the place is called ‘baby girl’s hottest styles’.

me: bwahahahaha. i wouldn’t worry about it then.

we're tired, disco and me. YOU entertain us. got any good blogger gossip? or let's pretend the year is 1999 and this is an icq chat room. remember those?

dasavataleharate - some questions for whoever else paid cash money to go watch this crap.

1. why was giant ear-holed ajji clinging to the body of clay faced jaggesh lookalike at the end? does anyone know what that was about? did she assume they were related since they both had chapathi hittu faces?

2. this asin person, will she be giving up her acting career soon in order to marry some type of south indian producer/director? i'm just saying this would be one instance where i would absolutely support the giving up of a career to contribute to marital bliss.

3. wasn't jay leno's appearance like such an awesome surprise? who knew he could act?

4. how many monkeys do you think were killed during the making of this movie?

5. was anyone else disappointed that jayalalitha was played by jayalalitha?

6. how many tamil speaking japanese women do you think auditioned for the role of the hero's traitor friend's wife with the kick boxing talent?

7. do you think jains and parsis everywhere are offended that kamal didn't take the time to stereotype someone from their community?

8. the part about the cancer being destroyed by the bullet, that was by far my most favourite idea stolen from another b grade movie.

9. can i sue funasia cinemas for not informing me prior to entering the movie hall that the movie was in telugu and that it had no subtitles?

10. did anyone else take the day off to recuperate from this movie? no? just me? it's mother's birthday also so i had two reasons.

p.s. guess what today is? the premiere of weeds season 4. i have no idea why but i get showtime now. i'm not subscribed to it or anything but it's working so i get to watch weeds tonight. omg i'm going to die. the excitement is killing me. suck it khal.

alright alright ill record it and mail it to you if you beg.

oh and 'the happening'. loved it. shymalan wasn't in it though which made me very upset. other reasons i was upset - i had to sit on the stairs [carpeted and all with a little bit of pop corn thrown in for decoration/or emergency snack] because there were no seats left, which was why they weren't selling tickets to the show anymore but brother and i being as determined as we were to watch it bought tickets to kung fu panda and snuck into 'the happening' anyway. totally worth it.

you know how at the bottom of a web page it'll sometimes say 'previous entries'? well for some reason every time i see one of those i think it says 'previous entrées' and then i get really hungry. does this happen to anyone else?

also why didn't anyone tell me i was insane to think driving from la to denver and denver to houston would be a fantastic idea? i just mapquested it and turns out i can save 9 hours if i just drove from la to houston. i could just fly to denver on the way to la. see! much simpler. thanks for nothing blaudience.

kp - contact baby vyjayanti and puppy manohar asap. they're supposed to set us up since we're the same person and all. [p.s. do you have a ba type person in your family who can make awesome besan ladoo?]

i hung out with three little kids today for almost 20 minutes and i did not have the urge to pick one up and fling it across the room. not even when one threw a tissue at me. not even when one was like "where are your kids?" and i was like "what? do i look old enough to have kids?" and she was like "yeah." not even then. what the hell is wrong with me? when did i suddenly learn to be patient and appreciate little people? [rbr this does not mean i want to have babies. please do not offer me any sperm.]