Sunday, December 30, 2007

watching a movie shouldn't be this hard.

gaysin and mother [his not mine] arrive sharp at 4. just like they said they would. mother groans as she hears the doorbell. apparently being around her sister this much is getting to her. she has begun noticing all her strange little quirks. quirks she had forgotten about for years, like when aunty sucks on her teeth after a meal, like she's trying to vacuum the various food particles stuck in between her teeth. also the gargling at the table. they've been hanging out way too much these two. getting pedicures, going shopping, cooking, visiting. it's all too much for mother. on rare days like these i'm sure i'm her daughter. i giggle and open the door. gaysin walks in carrying an empty dessert tray. i barely manage a "where's the dessert fool?" before i almost pass out. it's aunty's perfume. it's like this weird mixture of old lady perfume and powder and rat pee. i walk towards the kitchen and take deep breaths. mother orders me to make tea for the guests.

me: ma how ill make? there's no milk

mother: i told you no to bring! useless girl. go make with condensed milk and evaporated milk

me: errr. oh kay.

seconds later gaysin's in the kitchen.

gaysin: what's there to eat? i feel like eating something fried and spicy.

me: aah very good. take chakli.

gaysin: you know how to make any bonda?

me: um no!

gaysin: oh. i should have brought my tempura batter with me. it's very easy with that

aunty yells from the living room: how you can use tempura batter for bonda?

gaysin: you can use it for anything mother. it's just batter.

aunty: no no that is only for shrimp and other japanese food items.

gaysin: hey how much did you pay for your other laptop because i was thinking of........

me: shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

gaysin: oh god she doesn't know yet?

me: no!

gaysin: oh! heh.

gaysin: so what plans for new year?

aunty: no midnite mass also they have here. unless we find some catholic church or something.

mother: or we can have off at home only.

me: oh god mother!

mother: oh god only.

gaysin: are there any good movies showing?

mother: yes yes lets go.

everyone looks at me like i'm some sort of movie guide channel. i roll my eyes and immediately start naming all the movies showing this week.

aunty: aah that tom hanks movie sounds good.

me: om puri is in it too.

mother: oh really? hmmm. what about that one i wanted to see ma. with george washington?

i almost burn my mouth with the tea: thu george washington it seems! denzel washington ma!!

mother: aah aah him only. last time we saw that movie no with him. so nice it was. lets see that.

gaysin: atonement is supposed to be brilliant.

me: oh god no!

me: there's the kite runner....

aunty: okay come on lets just go and decide there.

mother and aunty decide they need to go grocery shopping first: okay we'll go and come, you look at the timings.

gaysin suddenly decides he wants to go home. mother and aunty leave and i log on to supposedly check movie listings but end up having a fascinating gossipy conversation about bloggers and blogger fights and my "experience" as a guest contributer on dp with tgfi. she also helped me name my sicrit blog. sort of. it looks kind of blah right now but we'll be decorating it soon. also making it sicrit and exclusive so feel free to email me with your bribes.

when we finally get to the theatre mother is panicking because it's already time for the movie to start. i tell her to go get the tickets and popcorn while i find parking.

mother: so which movie?

me: anything but atonement. and dont forget the popcorn. makkhan maar ke.

i find parking in some remote corner and run across the parking lot like a crazy person because i know mother is probably freaking out since in her head we've probably already missed half the movie. she hands me the tickets and we rush towards screen 19. i walk hurriedly past the long lines at the popcorn stand and make a sad face.

mother: come come no time.

so i end up watching the movie hungry. i can smell the popcorn but i cant taste the popcorn, plus these dumb american movies don't even have intervals. the movie's decent though. mother sleeps through most of it but apparently whatever she saw of it was enough to make her clap loudly when they announce the winner at end. i try to hide my face unsuccessfully.

mother: so nice it was no?

me: um you were sleeping through most of it.

aunty: but where was om puri? i was waiting for him to come. when they started talking about satyagraha and gandhi i thought he'll come off

me: um ya. that was a completely different movie!!

aunty: ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!! but how om puri has acted? didn't he die last year?

me: oh god that was amrish puri.

aunty: oho!

and then we couldn't find the damn car for fifteen minutes!


Anonymous said...

CW's war, nice one!

Renovatio said...

Tell him to try making aloo chaat with tempura sauce as the chutney.

The_Girl_From_Ipanema said...

:aunty: ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!! but how om puri has acted? didn't he die last year?

me: oh god that was amrish puri."

ahahahahahahahaah!! actually, i would say stuff like that too. don't hate me! i do wear nice perfume, though.

The_Girl_From_Ipanema said...

fool update already!

the other one, i mean.

Anonymous said...

U are so going down when ur family discovers this blog! :)

Anonymous said... thinks u shud start one more blog....posting all the comments u get for each post..!!!

Pri said...

anon: akka? akka????????? oh god! how old do you think i am? unless you're 8 you dont get to call me akka. ok? ok.

Pri said...

anon: cw who?

anon: i know. i know. let's hope it never happens.

tgfi: wait fool!
and of course you'd say something like that. totally you.

reno: he's gay not stupid.

Bhel Puri & Seekh Kabab said...

LOL @ "on rare days like these i'm sure i'm her daughter." - nature has conspired with nurture to make you who you are, eh? :P

Anonymous said...

Loved your blog.. you are funny!

Anonymous said...

ok akka....!! but i still think u shud allow every1 to read ur sicrit blog...!!! keep it for readers only is a big waste akka...!!

Bikerdude said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Bikerdude said...

Gaaaahahahaha. Too funny I say.
This beats my lovely father who after watching 1 hour movie, if you ask story means he will say "Nothing much actually" and continue watching. At end of movie he will invariably say : "Paaaintless I say."

TS said...

Happy New Year darling.

Have a good one.

rbr said...

yeah.. incase u were wondering , i have (il)legally obtained/procured/downloaded the above mentioned movies.
all good print.
thank you
IIPM - indian institute of piracy management

scout said...

i want invite to seegrett blog.

Renovatio said...

Me too, I'm being denied access.

wickedtaurus said...


So which movie was it that you watched..?!

Anonymous said...

if i dont comment, doesnt mean i dont read, which doesnt mean i dont get access to ur sicrit blog.. does it?

Sam said...

so much so for a movie with the relative!!!