Monday, January 14, 2008

three questions

1. who is that little man in the pony tail with the bulging muscles in them bermuda shorts and why is he in every single infomercial? and why is he jumping? how is it possible that this man sells everything from fifteen minute miracle gym equipment to two second sandwich makers to magic vacuum cleaners to lawn mowers to crosses between vacuum cleaners and lawn mowers to robots and the roombah and the voombah and barbie hair clips? how? why? how do i get that job? i will not wear bermuda shorts. i will not display bulging muscles. i will rock the pony tail though, if it is a requirement but most importantly, i will not be that annoying. and i will not pretend to be that excited. nobody buys the excitement. nobody can possibly be so into so many useless things that are going to end up in your garage anyway at the same. especially not when you're pimping 400 other "best deals" on the side. no sir. it is time for your jumpy self to retire. talking about pimping i need to pimp this new website by the super talented and very cute shalin shodhan. go see. NOW!

2. who takes time out of their daily routines to sit down and make and then mass forward those damn electronic greeting cards with the music and the slide show and all the lame poetry? i don't know who makes them and i don't know who sends them but i sure know who reads them. my mother. on my laptop! every evening. and she'll watch the whole thing too. in fact she'll watch a few seconds extra. just to make sure it has actually ended. today i watched too, in between painting my nails and it was so ridiculously long i was sure it was a joke. but mother apparently liked it. enough to forward it to all the people in her address book. i am so spam-foldering her. she and gaysin. him with the dancing alien and her with the stupid musical slide shows. and what is the occasion? i mean say it was her birthday or mother's day or something, sure i would get it. not really but at least that would have been an occasion. this is just a waste of time. what happened to planning kitty parties and knitting? good old knitting in pink and blue or yellow just in case the neighbour's daughter in law had a hermaphrodite infant. why this new obsession with technology aunties?

3. what makes women think it's okay to share with me intimate details about their period? i barely know these women. we might work for the same company and we might have the same body parts but that does not make it okay for them to inform me of their period. i don't need to know that you have it or what day it is or how heavy or why you just made that face. or what it does to your body. i don't need to know. when you say period and i look away or make my 'i'm concentrating real hard on this paperwork' face it means i don't want to listen so take your damn body fluid situation to someone else. preferably in the next room.

okay who's ready for perth?


Janefield said...

is sir ponytail amitabachan (most ppl pronounce his 1st and last names like one joint name)by any chance? considering his 'globalness' has he begun infiltrating YOOYESS commercials also? besides pocketing all indian companies branded and unbranded products ka contracts?

techaunty is cool only. yr mom and gaysin are super cool. they totally rock. what would this blog be without them? :)

i refuse to comment on 3rd koschin. period.

Praveen said...

hey priya, the music is really cool..

shub said...

I give Perth 3, okay 3.5 days max. I'm ready for Adelaide though.
Hope the cough's gone and you're better.

Bhel Puri & Seekh Kabab said...

The pony-tail guy: are you talking about Billy May?

Check out a version of his OxiClean commercial, set to classical music. It's very soothing:

And here's one where he has a, umm, bathroom accident:

The Bride said...

Just went 'eh' to the Perth bit, then realized... ah it's cricket. Why don't you tell everyone your ostrich story instead...I mean... as well?

YP said...

4. How do you write so well?

Pri said...

praveen: i'm glad you like it.

janefield: no no not the big b. in fact this fool is named tony little.

shub: heh. yeah probably 3. but we can win in 3 no? no??

bhel puri: no no. that's a different annoying infomercial guy. this one's name is tony little it seems. omg i just found all these you tube videos spoofing him. this is the real dude. see him creep the hell out of his assistant/playmate in this video. also
this badly made but funny enough spoof on him. omg and this one of some random bald baby unintentionally making fun of him. bwahahahaha.

the bride: you mean the one some two decades ago when my evil mother forcibly made me feed a hideous looking ostrich when i was clearly terrified of it just so she could take that picture for my scrap book? that story? and yes fool cricket!

yp: oh you poor thing. clearly you haven't read any other blogs. see list on the right [try tanmay sahay, bm, tamizhpenn, fessing up for a start] and tell me if you like.
if you were in fact being serious, thank you. i write exactly how i speak which is so not how you're supposed to do it.

Janefield said...


Aaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhh. hate him :D

YP said...

on the contrary Pri. I have been reading your stuff for the past 2-3 days now. I really enjoy "listening" to what and how you say it!

yep, been reading the other gals too.

Bikerdude said...

The same ponytail infomercials are dubbed in Hindi by the one nasal woman. Himmesh's sister.

The Tamil dubs have a quasi-rajnikanth voice and one total ammaaa type tamil ladiss voice. So count your lucky stars you're listening to the original.

The_Girl_From_Ipanema said...

and just bcos i read your blog i DID NOT need to read or know about point #3. sicko.

rbr said...

i have them days too.


i feel the pain. i like the gore. it turns me on.