HIMESH - India's Srk/James Bond/Rajinikanth

This review is obviously NOT the work of a professional but who gives a fuck considering neither is the movie. I do apologise for the typos and the lack of fully formed sentences.

part 1 of illegal online video

scene 1: car crash, white girl dead,

raj babbar is screaming meri betiiiiiiiii

scene 2: himesh descends from a helicopter, mutters some shahrukh khan dialogue about "har insaan kabhi na kabhi kisi na kisi insaan ya jaanvar se pyaar kiya hain"

song with background dancers wearing creepy costumes borrowed from

The DaVinci code

himesh in concert, shows lots of cleavage,
crowd cheers
police arrests himesh outside the concert hall : "himesh reshammmiya u r under arrest for the murder of white girl"
HR: what nonsense
HR: it is a lieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

12 yr old girl with red rose [apparently a fan] standing outside cries as HR is taken away.

end scene

part 2 of illegal online video:

German newsreader who looks exactly like dead white girl informs world of the arrest of Indian superstar HR

flashback..................

enter mallika sherawat in a towel
puts on mascara on top and bottom eyelashes with the same brush. DO NOT ATTEMPT THIS AT HOME.....unless u want to look like a hooker

HR and his boy toy [hatrick roshan lookalike from Kyunki saas] are driving somewhere. boy toy makes joke about himesh and his nasal singing followed by nasal laughter. unfortunately car does not crash.

HR and boy toy are now seated in some person's house. they're served tea by another white girl who looks exactly like dead white girl/news reader.

enter mallika

at this point i decide to take a small nap

i wake up just as himesh is saving a desi girl from a burglar

later on his couch HR starts singing what has got to be the worst rendition of the Gayatri Mantra one has ever heard [with guitar]

Where is the Shiv Sena when u need them?

i fall asleep again for a bit so im not sure wtf happens

i wake up to see boy toy kissing himesh

himesh then bumps into a kid with a hole in her heart [but who's joyous and bubbly nonetheless as all children with deadly diseases in Hindi movies are] This also happens to be the same paapi gudiya with the gulabi hoova in a previous scene.

HR kills another song. this time its 'darde dil darde jigar'

scene 24567: HR is on a date with random girl.

random girl: "HR mein aapse ek sawaal puchna chahtihu. why dont u ever smile?"

HR: mein aapse kuch nahi chupaunga. mere ek bade bhai the. he was my everything, he was my world. then ek din achaanak BRAIN HEMORRHAGE. [im not making this up]

Girl then falls for HR and tells her father.

Father: "riyaaaaaaaa mein tumhe kaise samjhaao, woh tumhe pyaar nahin karte,at best you'll be his flavour of the month"

mallika then tries to seduce himesh but he tells her he loves wats her face.

then HR meets a bald man in a cemetary. bald man tries to buy him. HR refuses. he says something about only working with the people who helped him before he became a superstar.

every scene in the movie has a point to make about HR.

eg: HR kabhi sharaab nahin peeta

HR kabhi vaada nahin todta
HR only likes girls in salwar kameez [and when they're wearing modern kapde he imagines them in salwar kameez]
HR India ka naam bahut roshan karta hain

girl is taken to india to be married to someone who's not HR. her aakhri nishaani of HR is her ringtone. its HR's rendition of you guessed it ... the GAYATRI MANTRA

HR calls her and professes his love for her. girl cries. father takes away her cellphone,

then HR gate crashes girl's engagement party. decides while he's there he will sing another song. it works. riya ke pitaaji agrees to the rishta

boytoy wants HR to drink daroo on this joyous occasion that is his spontaneous engagement but our good boy HR doesnt drink... oh but when boytoy says mere kasam yaar he has to ... dosti ke khaatir

then HR is drunk

more singing follows

an orgasmic scream is heard

white girl is dead

end of flashback

Back to the present and we're live in GERMANY

It's all over the news: HR is a murderer

riya's dad "dekho, maine kahan na, dekho kitni aiyaashi nikala. dekho riya rahul tumhaara bachpan kaa saathi sab kuch jaante hue bhi tumse shaadi karna chahta hain" OF COURSE THERE'S A RAHUL IN THIS STORY. There's a RAHUL in every story.

meanwhile HR has escaped from Jail because its really easy to escape from jail when u sing like that. moo kholo sab log behosh you're out.
Riya also escapes from her father's house and runs into the arms of HR who is waiting for her at the exact moment and exact location that they NEVER DECIDED BEFOREHAND.

riya : HR mein jaanti thi ke tum beguna ho

[mein yeh bhi jaanti thi ke tum besuraa ho]

mujhe yaha se le chalo.

HR inspired by SRK again says something about not marrying without father's permission and escorts her back home to daddy. Daddy greets beti with a resounding thappad.

HR then repeats his dialogue: aap ke permission ke bina mein aapke beti se shaadi nahin karunga. he gives himself blank number of hours until the wedding to prove his innocence. [blank number of hours because in Hindi i can count only upto where Madhuri Dixit taught me in that Tezaab song. after that she goes gin gin gin gin and i'm lost.]

Investigation begins. HR, boy toy and Bani [from MTV roadies who's in the film by the by. Boy toy found her at some party]

They think either Khurana [the same bald man from the kabristaan] or Mallika could be framing HR. HR eliminates mallika because he has a GUT feeling it isnt her.

so Mallika is then asked to help find evidence. the happy foursome are now trying to get into khuraana's safe. HR breaks the code to the safe by typing in random numbers which when pressed make a lovely tune. HR's tune of course. safe opens. Just as he is about to reach into it to get the evidence Mallika yells "rokoooo, here use this so u dont get fingerprints on it" and she hands him her scarf thereby revealing more boobage. HR then removes the evidence which happens to be a gun.

Just then mottai calls HR and informs him that he has kidnapped riya and to kindly meet him in the middle of nowhere to exchange the gun for the one.
they meet. the exchange takes place and HR's bitch is returned izzat intact.

they cleavage hug until the cops come. HR is then being taken to jail when the all indian association of auto drivers show up in GERMANY and fight the cops while HR escapes.

The cops chase HR and HR's car rolls over multiple times but HR escapes unhurt. his cap even doesnt come off.

CLIMAX SCENE: kabristan man and HR are fighting in the middle of the road with the cops and the paparazzi in the vicinity. HR gets kabristan man to confess to the murder of white girl and he records all of this on .......wait for it...........the transistor he stole frm the cop car, This is then magically transformed into audio video format and is transmitted all across GERMANY. girl's father who happens to be watching tv in the middle of his daughter's pheres hears the news and stops the wedding.

HR celebrates by romancing Mallika who dances to mehBOOBa mehBOOBa.
Teh credits roll, i have a massive headache, maybe even a brain hemorrhage.

THE END.