Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Why isn't she married yet? Poor girl. Something must be wrong with her!

So I was reading this post on someone’s blog today and it got me thinking...why is marriage the highlight of people's lives? Most women tend to think of their lives in two parts: 'before marriage' and 'after marriage'. I've heard the "before marriage I used to care about how I look, after marriage things change" line so often. Why? I mean I realise there is all this pressure to be married but honestly I don't understand why it's the freaking highlight of people's lives. If you look at the lives of most Indian people part 1 of their life is dedicated to getting an education not necessarily to work and support oneself but to also get good 'offers' for marriage. I cringe every time I hear this word and I hear it a lot...from my own friends...girls I grew up with, went to school/college with. When I think about it though, my family isn't very different. I mean my dad expects me to be married in about two or three years. He doesn't talk about it a lot but when the topic comes up I laugh it off and say "Pa you have to wait another ten fifteen years." He of course thinks I'm joking. I mean after all which Indian girl is single at 38 right? But what's wrong if I'm 38 when I finally decide to get married? Oh well the question of children comes up. How will you have kids at such an age? Um hello there are tons of different ways to have kids at any age. Are you actually suggesting I marry the next qualified dad approved candidate just so I can contribute to the world's population? And so what if I don't get married? The world's not going to end. Yeah society will talk. Who gives a flying eff what some random uncle/aunty thinks? This doesn't mean I don't want to ever be married. I think it's great if you marry for the right reason. If you are lucky enough to find the right person (who you love and who loves you) to spend your life with then that's fantabulous but making this the sole reason for your existence is pretty lame. And why do you have to change everything after this 'marriage' has taken place. Yes you now live in a different place and with a different person but you don't have to change everything. I mean you just live together now. And yes you go places together and do stuff together. But do you have to do everything together? Yes sacrifices have to be made but not life altering sacrifices especially when it's often the women doing the sacrificing. You suddenly see this smart girl who worked really hard to get all her degrees (Because we Indians like our degrees, don’t we? The more you have the better) and make a decent career suddenly give it all up to stay home and raise little Guddu, Bubbly, Pinky. I can't see myself doing this. I mean I'm still trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. Someone else being around constantly giving his opinion on everything is out of the question. Any idiot can get married but it takes a lot of maturity to stay married and stay happy and not just for the sake of the kids/dog etc...

In the US it's surprisingly not very different. If any Tom/Dick/Harry proposes she'll say yes and the wedding preparations start, months in advance. The whole focus is on the wedding not the marriage. I just don't get it. I think its perfectly okay if you end up being that 85 year old lady with the 7 cats...as long as you've lived your life on your own terms and you've done all the things you've wanted to, and you've been happy. If marriage is what's going to make you happy then go for it...but do it for the right reason. At the risk of sounding filmy...do it for love!


identity crisis said...

there r very few times i've agreed with u, ever, this is one of those times when i do... its juss so much better to be alone, juss do ur own thing not be answerable to anyone for anything (unless u break the law)and to think about n for urself. sounds selfish but atleast u'll be happy. n don worry out the kids.... if u really want to....u can ve em even if ur not married...

gramon1 said...

You guys (girls?) have it all wrong. I am not from India, but Spanish. But I think things are very similar in most cases when people are educated. Marriage is really a decision to live with a person you love. On one hand, it is possible to change for the worse, as I will show you now. In this case, people reduce how much they care for their presentation after marriage. This happens out of very big increases in life's demands and responsibilities. After marriage, you become responsible for your spouse. If children come along, you become responsible for them too. Responsibility means planning for the long term. So, the single care free person that you were is now a person that worries about the future. This means swollowing your pride often, giving up or postponing dreams for the sake of security, etc. Once you focus on security and steadiness, you are a changed person.
After a few years, you may feel that you have lost yourself in the safe arrangement of your life.
On the other hand, you can think of marriage as two people joining forces to follow their dreams. This takes more effort and requires you to be willing to endure hard times together. My wife and I are both very creative. She is an actress and a writer. I am an artist, composer, thinker, philosopher, and whatever else gets into my mind. Thank goodness, one of the many things I enjoy gave me the money to make it to the upper-middle class here in the USA. But the whole thing took many trials and tribulations. Yet, when we were engaged, we decided that we would follow our dreams. We did! Finantially, the price was high. We were poor for many years. And nothing can be worse than being poor and highly educated. You live amongst totally uneducated people while you are very poor. But we had each other. We could share intellectual conversations, discuss art, and create together.
By now, she has published several books that have given her awards and prestige, but not money. I have posted my music on the net, had exhibits of my art, but made no money from it. But my interest in abnormal child development has made me very successful professionally.
After 20 years, my wife and I still enjoy each other's company and interests. In my fifties, I still keep myself in shape, practice karate and many outdoor activities. We go bicycling to the beach, enjoy the outdoors, and try to live the best of life. This is what marriage is about.
Traditional people think that you are not a complete person until you get married. I do disagree. You are a complete person single or married. Marriage is worth as an experience if you can build the life you want after you get married. But this takes a very strong commitment.
Don't get married until you find the right person. But then, making sure that you both want the same out of life, do get married.

Anonymous said...

Hey Pri,
Nice write up...guess quite sometime since you posted..but it does reflect many of my sentiments and ideas..enjoyed reading it. I am a little older than you , so you can imageine the kind of comments and questions which i would be getting at my age :-))

Have fun..

Vidya said...

I feel the same way too. I would alsways wonder why is it that it is too difficult to have a life outside your husband? Yes, man and woman become a single family but why lose identities?
And why not do it for the right reasons? I used to know somebody who in her own subtle way will snub the other older unmarried girl....

Good write up !!

Rishi said...

Absolutely correcta-daan!!..i wholeheartedly agree with you on this..btw, i just bloghopped to yours'...no offence but your writing is quite funny in a very idiotic way.:)..was reading the tokyo post, hence..and the pic is hilarious!.."entha hotness"!!..:))..

Pri said...

@rishi: yes yes we're very silly. we also refer to me as we.

Snake Eater said...

Actually, your subject has some good things and bad things, and sorry to say that. This is because we think that Marriage is complicated thing, but it is not. Just imagin if you can live with your wife as if she were your girlfriend, I guess everything is gonna be all right. In addition, when you said you can get married after 38, how come. You have to know that life not only for you. It is for other people too such as your wife, parents and children. Actually, we don't think about anything except ourself, I meant we are living in this earth for message which is keep the humanity in safe. However, if you started to do this thing which is getting married after 38, all this world would be in trouble.Why?. This is because after some years another people will do it too. Just take 10 minutes to think about it. After 100 years, how many people will be do it. At that time, the number of children will decreas.There some affects are gonna happen after the number of children decrease which are:
Firstly, imagin that the age between you and your child 38 years, that means probably you will not see him when he become adult.
Secondly, the jobs which the old men are working at, I meant after retiring the old men will leave their jobs for who?> Who is gonna take those jobs?.
finally, the end of this world will start. I meant in the beginning the children will decrease, then 300 years later there will not be children, after that the humanity will become extinct. Please, don't tell me that is not gonna happen, because if read the history, you will know that boyfriend, girlfriend, ladyboys, shemale, gay and lesbians were not allowed short time ago, but now most of people have boyfriend and girlfriend, and that also one reason to decrease the number of the children.
As I'm Muslim, I believe that we have to enjoy this life without leaving what our religin told us to do, save the humanity from the extinction.
and sorry for my language cause I'm still studying English.

Anonymous said...

Life maybe perfect now with no one to answer to but when you don't have your parents living anymore-then the reality of loneliness will strike-by then it will be too late.