Cream coloured suits, hooker heels and lots of gibberish.

We attended our first 'Desi event' in Houston last night. Gay cousin who doesn't know he's gay yet offered to drive. No jazz station this time. Instead ABBA! Mother sang along much to my annoyance. Don't even ask about the time we went to watch 'Mama Mia'. I was stuck sitting between my parents, both of whom decided they remembered enough of the words to sing along. Luckily for me the lights were dim.

Anyway it was a long drive to this place mostly because gay cousin who doesn't know he's gay yet doesn't believe in turning on the air conditioning even when its a 100 degrees outside. He claims it was on the whole time. To add to that he has this terrible car perfume thing that makes me sick. I made a vow never to sit in his car again, besides watching other people attempt to drive has never been my favourite thing. The conversation in the car was lead mostly by gay cousin who doesn't know he's gay yet who pointed out the 'nice areas' and the 'bad areas'. He also asked for suggestions for his Halloween costume. In case you weren't aware Halloween is more than two months away.

We arrived there way early and had to sit through part of the rehearsal. We listened to one man [with his long greasy hair in a ponytail wearing a cream coloured suit. No, not beige, not white. Cream, almost yellow] sing a ballad over and over again because he had to keep starting over. And he insisted on walking off the stage and back each time. It was fucking hilarious and sadly I've never been a discreet giggler. Plus we were sitting too much in front. Hmmm now that i think about it i might have been part of the reason why the poor man had so many false starts. Oh well.

Gay cousin who doesn't know he's gay yet totally had the hots for the mike tester guy who sang a few Hindi songs during the break. He couldn't stop gushing over his wonderful voice. He sounded decent, nothing spectacular.

So this event was to celebrate the spirit of Goa and we really didn't know what to except. What we didn't realise was that the entire program would be in Konkani. The music was nice but really after you hear 8 songs in a language you don't understand they all begin to sound the same.

The actual show began when man in charge [who for some reason decided he needed to button only the very last button on his jacket, giving the impression he was pregnant] gave this big speech [the only part of the show that was in English]. The rest of the show consisted of more singing and random little plays. Our ponytailed friend would come on stage, sing, make the same exact hand movements and walk off. Ten minutes later he would be back in a new suit, sing another song, make the same hand movements, walk around the stage awkwardly in between stanzas, walk off and ten minutes later the same thing.

Then suddenly the backdrop collapsed.

I was too shocked to laugh but turns out that was meant to happen. What followed next was this incredibly long play in Konkani. The lead actor wore orange lipstick. He was supposedly some sort of a doctor and the dialogue was between him and this one crazy dude. We know he was crazy because his head was bandaged, he made funny faces and held a toy duck in one hand. The scene went on and on and on. I made signs to mother and aunty that we should go but gay cousin who doesn't know he's gay yet seemed to be enjoying himself. As far as i know he doesn't understand a word of Konkani. More songs followed and more mini plays or different acts of the same play i have no idea. Finally he nodded and we left the hall only to be stopped by man in charge at the door who asked if we enjoyed ourselves. We lied and left.

For me the funnest part of the evening was the conversation i overheard.

"I think I'm overdressed men"
"No no, see over there, purple frock"
"My God!! Too much men"

[The purple frock also happened to be velvet in case you were wondering]

"Would you be know what happened to Jude?"

"Just you have this" - lady wearing a hideous orange and yellow striped dress with hooker heels who handed me a flyer.

"Hi. Im ******, will you also be performing tonight?" - gay cousin who doesn't know he's gay yet's painful attempt at flirting, with lady wearing hideous orange and yellow striped dress with hooker heels.

and my favourite -

"Did you see Jenny?"
"Ya aa, she helloed me when i came in."

3 day mourning

so first the bad news.

i had to end my relationship with directv. nope it was not the sucky customer service people. it was because there was no place to install the dish. apparently if we were to install it on the balcony there would be no signal and the bitch in the office wouldn't give us permission to install in on the roof so yeah no directv. i went to my room and sulked. mother asked me if id like to move to an apartment facing the right way so we could install the dish. i thought that was sweet of her to even offer. but can you imagine moving again? nope. ill have to manage with regular cable. yes i said it. regular cable. omg someone hold me i think i might have a panic attack.

you know why it was so important to get directv? because they're the only people who provide ndtv here. i mean we also get the other desi channels but really ndtv was all i watched, and mtv desi but they took that away. i want to be able to walk in the house, switch on the tv and sit on the couch and hear a desi accent you know and listen to how hot or rainy it is or what happened outside salman khan's bungalow or whatever. i like listening to post match discussions and how we sucked and how dravid needs to go or whatever. i mean i realise there's the internet but the tv is different you know. its like right there and its big and it just feels like home when its on.

i hate switching on the tv and watching the local news, with those anchors in their ugly bright red suits that only news readers in the US wear and their perfectly bouncy hair and makeup, talking about some lame local issue about the bird park or some shit. i don't care damn it. i want to see MP's fighting. i want to watch 'night out' and 'we the people' and all those other shows. i want to hear the local reporters in different cities read the newspaper headlines. that's mother's favourite part too. she giggles when the girl from Hyderabad is on, or the man in Srinagar. and i like to watch the ads, the reliance ones and the hutch ones.

it just makes me feel closer to home that's all. is that too much to ask?
damn u apartment people.

oh and there is no good news in case u were wondering.

i hereby declare a 3 day mourning.

also earlier today rbr's pet squirrel died tragically. and he like just adopted it. it had been left abandoned on the road. so yeah anyway it died this morning. poor spooky. may your soul rest in peace. also while you're up there will you ask bob woolmer what really happened? i'm dying to know if all my theories are right and everyone else seems to have forgotten about him.

lets make it a 5 day mourning. okay? okay.

Thank You AT&T and Linksys

and the two sweet girls over in the Philippines who were smart and didn't put me on hold forever and said my name correct and didn't call me Maam or worse Sir.

i finally got the internet.
it's super high speed, it's wireless, it's fabulous!
i finally feel complete.
in honour of this wonderfulness i have decided i cannot fall asleep. i owe it to the internet.
i checked orkut, i checked stat counter, i read all me favourite blogs, i checked gmail 1 and 2, even hotmail.
oh its so good to have u back. muaah!

and im back...

its 4 am so bear with the incomplete sentences and lack of punctuation

I'm in houston
the drive here was fine
long but fine

the kind lady who drove the truck that one of the cars was attached to who i was supposed to be following was slow as fuck
she wouldn't go over 60
also she didn't believe it taking bathroom breaks
i on the other hand couldn't help taking every exit that had a starbucks sign and therefore every exit that had a rest area because random fact of the day - the human body produces 30 ml of pee every 30 minutes, you do the math.

i got lost only once [took a wrong exit. mother was on the phone with me overexplaining where i should and should not turn and i turned where i should not have turned]
i stopped at a gas station and was greeted by very smiley desi aunty who looked delighted to see me for some reason. i asked if she knew how i could get back on to 35 West and she said "ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. no"
i thanked her and walked out. i stopped a cyclist [he didn't look in much of a hurry] and he gave me detailed directions. he was sweating profusely and made me very thirsty.
i got some water and tried to get back on the highway.

i was successful after taking a couple more wrong turns.

i don't have the internet yet.
I'm in my aunt's house. they have internet. and cable,
my apartment has boxes.

a bunch of people came to help with the unloading of boxes.
mother had marked each one so as the man brought it up to the door [mother didn't allow him to go any further because his shoes looked dirty] and attempted to read out the contents people standing around [gay cousin who doesn't know he's gay yet, aunty and u haul driver lady] would make appropriate noises. "Pri - Shoes - gasp! Oh my god. Here hold this side, wait no you hold the back"; "Pri-shoes 2 - louder gasp" etc..

i ate some real food after 2 whole days of coffee and chicken nuggets.
my aunt's biryani is a lot like mother's biryani, which is a good thing.

i showered and went to sleep around midnite.
i awoke 20 hours later
which is why I'm awake at 4 am.

i tried to order a pizza. turns out that isn't as easy as it sounds. apparently you need to have a local home phone number and they check your credit history - of ordering pizzas.
eventually i had to walk over to my aunt's house which in some ways I'm happy is so close to our apartment but at other times not and ordered the pizza.

i tried to steal the neighbours' internet, they were all locked, the mean bastards!

my aunt's house is decent except for the fact that its infested with dolls.
the showcase [which is such a desi word] is very desi looking; meaning it has been stuffed with all kinds of objects the owners think are worthy of showing. example: framed picture of gay cousin who doesn't know he's gay yet at his graduation, a teddy bear wearing a red bow, another one with a star, a humongous vase [it might be the same one Jesus used to turn water into wine. i'm not sure] coffee mugs and apparently every doll my aunt has ever come accross in her entire life.

i got to check out gay cousin who doesn't know he's gay yet's car. [you know now that I'm going to be seeing a lot of him I'm going to have to give him a shorter name. how about gaysin?] k so gaysin's car is shiny on the outside and totally gay on the inside. the lights are purple. like bright purple. and he listens to the jazz station.

our apartment is nice.
i got the smaller room which does not come with the ginormous walk in closet but mother's going to use it like a store room anyway.
mine has a mini walk in closet.
aunty complained about how their house didn't come with large closets. i tried not to laugh but its hard when gaysin is in the same room.

other cousin was complaining about how the television here sucks. i proceeded to explain to him the decent channels and the must watch shows. other cousin has only been here a few months. he wanted to know what the good movie channels were. i told him about the indepenedant film channel which he proceeded to search for and of course the minute it came on there were naked people on screen. luckily aunty wasn't in the room.

gaysin has a large name plate on the door to his room. like he's twelve or something. also his door is shut 24/7.

supposedly the "indian area" is pretty close by. i want to go see. mother's eyes lit up when she heard 'saree shops'.

also there's a starbucks right across the road from us. what more does one need?

Gmail banter

One last nonsensical post before i'm off. You know how recently mother discovered my "other laptop" but strangely never asked me about it, well she did today. "What is that other part of your laptop? Its in that bag don't forget to pack it." I look at her like are you serious? "It was always there aa? I hadn't realised only." :)

I leave you with some gmail banter between Biker dude and yours truly.


The hellos
What is the ups? You have quit it off the office aa?
When you moving to Gujarat (ie How stone)?

How stone? Friday maarning or maybe even tumaarow yevening time we may be departing. where u have been? thu one big fat flying insect just sat on my laptop. don't know where it came from. bloody fool.

How stone = Houston. In US also insects are there aa? Where from it came? You're having flat or house? With or without verandah/garden?
What your gabby shabby and all will do without you? Why y'all want to move anyways?

eh thu how many times u r asking y to move and all. ready over we're going.
gabby shabby will be fine.
usa only that is why i am shocked as to y there is a flying object here. scary.
rt now it is house. i wouldn't call it a garden. ppl here dont have gardens. they have yards. we have a yard. Swaaturday onwards it will be apt.

What is a yard wheeze ah wheeze a garden?
Chumma some pullu they will grow and mow lawn in shorts on sunday aa?
Howstone temperature at this time of year will be hmm :p I was there exactly this time last year.

reeely? come again no. ill even go to that Ethiopian place. i wont eat anything but ill stare at the waiters.
and yes they wear short shorts and do mowing kelsas. i gawk.


One uggly waiterni only was there. Quite sad.
Actually the Ethiopian place was alright types. I was only surprised cos the food was vez and very Indian.
Acha about lawns. Nobody will sit on lawn with aloo parathas and blaring transistor aa? India means full they will do no?
I believe some insect called Lime Tic will bite bum if you sit in US lawn and you will die off it seems. True aa?

i havent heard of it. sometimes they will put muzeek. depending on neighbourhood. white tish people will not.
this is going to sound very racist but im actually looking forward to seeing multicoloured people. colorado is too white for me.
heeeeeeee im so going to use that in houston.

random person: what made u move to houston?
me: oh colorado was too white for me
random person: im sorry?
me: um i meant the snow.


Pls note correction in the response:
random person: what made u move to houston?
me: oh colorado was too white for me
random person: im sorry?
me: yeah, me too.


im so going to use both,

Oh boss I must tell you this story - once I went to Shell grocery store in Houston and bought something. As is normal case, I have immediately read badge of sales assistant which was Rosa. I have thought ok must be Latina and I have continued with purchase. Until she said "Thaaat-uh vill be dwendy dole-ayzhs and dherty cenduh."

Ha ha I have rubbed hands in glee and immediately asked "Naad evideya?" (where is your native place) Which is the social equivalent of "Oota aaytha" in Malayalam. Full family history I have heard and then she has given bloody dherty zents disgound. Never I went back again.

heeeee you're funny. we're funny.

Hai na? And single yay :(
I think single people are the most funny- because we try to ensnare prospectives with wit and humour- you follow? After marriage full gurrr we will sit.
Did you read the bit about Mallu shop assistant or zoned out after first sentence? Boo.

i did. some rosakutti or something.
and some married ppl r funny too
namely ure doww
and farhan akhtar. i would so do farhan akhtar.


Please who is farhaan akhtar kidding with that head band?

why does everyone say HEADBAND as soon as i say farhan akhtar?

i think this conversation needs to go on me blog. its funny.
or maybe im just high on cashew nuts and its not very funny at all,

Headband: was Farhan Akhtar's trademark fashion accessory a few years ago. Full orange colour it was. Whatever, i always thought!
Ok Im going to Ullas Refreshment for lunch.

I will depart with the following ridiculous conversation that happened yesterday when a choir mate called Jonas (huge blond swede) visited home in the night. As he was walking down driveway:

Grandmothers window flies open -
Booming voice: Yaaru?
Jonas: Silence
Booming voice: Who is it?
Jonas: Err.
Booming voice: All right.


heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. your ajji also stays with u aa? or random ajji? heeeeeeee
so funny.

Next house she stays. Full she is.
Ok Im off now. mwah

Miss me

Do not be alarmed if you don't see updates on this blog for a bit. No i didn't suddenly get a life. I'm just moving mine to a different state and as dulhanjee rightly pointed out i wont be the bengloor girl in Denver anymore but ill still be me and as soon as i find some kind person to come fix my high speed internet I WILL BE BACK. *evil laugh*

Tomorrow i have the agonizing task of driving to my local Comcast office to return [sniff] the little black box that helps me access the internet. This will not be easy [sob] but i think i will survive thanks to the wonderful people at Verizon and their mobile web service. Send me lots of messages because i will be checking my email every 5 minutes, just to make sure its still there.

In other news i finally got my car washed. The last time i tried to wash it this happened. Today's wash however was a 45 minute mini makeover which was fucking expensive, but totally worth it. I have never seen so much mold.... Anyway its all clean and shiny now and smells like lemon cake. The seats have been shampooed and i can finally see the carpet. Its a pretty shade of grey. Who knew? The best part was that i didn't have to do a thing. I sat around on the little bench outside and made a bunch of phone calls. It was breezy and drizzly and fabulous and i know what you're thinking, who in their right mind goes to get their car washed when its raining? but like i said, the mold. And its whats inside that counts no?

Mother just came bursting into my room. She demanded to know what i was doing playing on the computer [?] when there was so much to do. I asked her what she meant by so much and she looked at me like i was crazy and pointed at the shoes in one corner of my room. I told her they would take a minute to place in the car. Then she plonked herself beside me and i could hear this deep sigh which was kinda scary because it went on for like 3 minutes. I was like "Ma are you okay?" but she didn't appreciate the smirk that followed and promptly kicked me and stomped off only to return a minute later to ask me a very important question. "What kind of snacks should i buy in the morning for the journey?" My plan to stop at every Starbucks on the way was rejected. "Wahat? They have good banana bread" to which she went "Fine! I'm buying what i want. Don't bug me if you get hungry."

Mother is in desperate need of sleep, but I know her, she wont sleep a wink. What annoys her most is my nonchalance. I know she would like very much for me to join her in the unnecessary worrying about every mundane detail and that i refuse to do. Nope. Its my last few hours with my laptop, well with this ip address anyway and i am not about to spend it worrying about snacks and padlocks and directions and gas and change for the toll. Oh wait i do have to make sure my Cd's haven't been packed away. I am going to need every one of those Cd's. 17 hours is no joke.

I'll see y'all in Texas. Ta.

Ai mere pyare watan

My favourite patriotic song. You cant help but get teary eyed.

Be careful!!! That's my TV you're moving.

The boxes have been loaded. The house is empty. My room feels weird. I am bed less. I'm sitting on the floor on a chaape and two bedsheets as i type this. Just a while ago i was reading something and i laughed out loud and it echoed. How weird is that?

They packed the TVs. I stared at the empty space for a while when i got home before it finally sunk in. I wasn't even around to supervise the packing. I hope they made sure it was nice and safe.

My last day at work was kind of weird. Not sad, just weird. I did get presents! Gabby gave me lots of pretty nail polish in the most adorable gift bag.


I also got a Starbucks gift card from everyone at work. I got free lunch at that Thai place. A balloon from the Thai restaurant guy and his wife who came all the way to the office to deliver the balloon and the card. But the sweetest moment was at the end of the day. My manicurist kept her shop open way past closing time just for me and when i was leaving she said "You peek cohloh whathevah you waan and you use long thime so when you see cohloh so you can see my face. So you no forget me. Okay Seva?" She calls me Seva. I'm not sure why. She cant say Priya but Seva is not even close.

My boss was being incredibly silly all day. I asked him if he had his speech ready and he went "Oh for your exit?" and I was like "um no, like for when people call for references and stuff." Then he started a pretend speech about how i was fired for being such a nuisance and how i spread TB in the office and some other nonsense. When i was leaving he goes "Hey Pri have your people call my people" or something like that. Gabby kept asking if i was sad and if it felt weird to be doing all these things for the last time. She was very disappointment in my lack of sadness.

I had been warned about the inevitability of misplacing at least a few things during this move. So far i have lost the little plug thingy for one of my laptops and a hairdryer. It was on my bed when i left for work this morning but my bed is no longer here.

It feels really strange to be staring at an empty closet. There's my makeshift bed, an overnight bag, six pairs of shoes [you know for the next two days], my moisturizer, my handbag, a calender that still thinks its June, some dirty laundry and that is it. So empty.

One survives another Monday

One is tired after having woken up at 4 am five days in a row to watch a match that was eventually killed by a man one used to have a crush on when one was 13 and STUPID.

Before one forgets one would like to congratulate Umpire Bucknor on his having not achieved the title of 'worst umpire' for the first time in his relatively short international career spanning 4000 odis and 34043484 tests, all featuring India.

Tomorrow is one's last day at work. One has been invited to eat free Thai food at nice Thai restaurant near work by nice Thai restaurant owner. One will be accepting the invitation. One will also be taking along uninvited guest.

One came home today only to discover secret hidden [under the bed!] laptop had been discovered by mother. One chose to avoid the topic. One hopes no questions will be asked [ha!]

One has been tagged by Su and I love Lucy and what follows is one's lame attempt at said tag. One would like to remind readers that one is tired, sleepy and cranky as one writes this. One also has to finish watching [and analyzing] 5 episodes of Grey's Anatomy by tonight so one may return B's DVD tomorrow.

As per the rules of the tag one is supposed to list one's favouritest things.

1. test match WINS
2. pedicures
3. V.V.S Laxman
4. chocolate mousse cake [from Sweet Chariot]
5. birthdays [um Birthday. One really doesn't care if its yours.]
6. lots and lots of rain
7. good hair days
8. good skin days
9. cold water [not iced and especially not with ginormous cubes of ice]
10. making up completely irrelevant titles for blog posts
11. Andra style chilly chicken & Biryani
12. spell check
13. television shows featuring good looking people
14. silent babies six feet away
15. long giggly bitchy conference calls with one's best friends on skype
16. Burts beeswax lip balm [without which one refuses to leave the house]
17. the internet
18. jumbo shrimp
19. photographs
20. unexpected presents [read: unexpected gift certificates]

Tamil Punkster & Twisted DNA - its your turn.

One would like to wish one's readers a Happy Independence Day!

Does anyone know what's going on at the Oval?

because at this point I am completely clueless. We have a 400+ run lead and we're still batting. Let me rephrase that, we're still blocking. And we have been for the past 5 hours. When Dravid decided not to enforce the follow on i figured the plan was to go in there and knock it around, maybe send Dhoni in at one down, basically get a quick 100 - 150 and put the English batsmen in. But apparently we're playing for a draw because that would ensure a series win and boredom all over the universe. Oh blah! I've been trying to give Dravid the benefit of doubt all day. Maybe his plan is to bat till tea. Not! Its the last session and we're still batting.

If there's anyone else who happened to watch Dravid's innings today i just have to say to you: I'm so sorry you had to witness the most excruciatingly painful piece of batting since the invention of the cricket bat. I feel you oh anonymous person at the other end of the world. Stay strong. Drink lots of coffee. Its helping me. Kind of.

and to you dear captain: for fucks sake get on with it!

Out my foot!

Great! We have visually challenged Bucknor at one end and now this deaf idiot at the other. You don’t be giving people out lbw when there’s a loud nick fool, especially when these people happen to be DADA!
UGHHHHHHHHHHHHH

You know how people complain about us never winning test series abroad. You know why? It’s the Ghost of Bucknor i tell you. For some reason he is always umpiring in the last and most important test. Remember the series in Australia? Sure Steve Waugh was being a pain in the ass and refusing to get out [since it was his farewell test and all] but the real reason we didn’t win was Bucknor and his refusal to give anything out that last day. What hope do we have of winning this series with these two in charge?

Please God, give them their sight and hearing back even if it’s just a temporary thing.

I promise ill be good.

And they say Soulmates dont exist!

So you know how the 'about me' section on this blog promises hilarious marriage proposals? Well its true. A few months ago my very lame friend made multiple fake profiles for me on random marriage websites and in spite of my many attempts to spam folder them one or two do get into my inbox.

Today i received this email from Mr.F
It has not been edited, except for the parts in italics. Those would be my smart ass comments.

Hi,

I am in search of a loving, caring and generous women. I prefer to marry a woman with/without children. [which is it? with or without?]

I am living with alone [right, we're going to have to change your pet's name to disco once we're married. what kind of a name is alone? rama rama!] but visit to see my children [of course. and we all know how much i love the childrens!]

My hobbies are dawath [sorry? i hope thats not a typo for death], reading. Traveling and writing.

I want to marry a widowers [you swing both ways eh?]/divorcees /unmarried with/without children [wah so wonderphul human being u are].

I think marriage is not a union of only two people but a beautiful bond between two different families, community and cultures. Marrying into a good family and enjoying the privilege of being a good spouse of well educated and well braided [yeah, about that. is it okay if i am haawing baandli cut?] women means achieving everything in this world. But we cant expect everything from others for our own happiness. If I am lucky enough to get my soul mates [well i guess that is why it isn't spelled SOLEmate. anyway im so glad u already feel this way. u see i am also haawing one soulmate [apart from u possibly]. his initials are T.V] I wish to make her life more happier and comfortable. So if my women have kids to brought up I wish to help her. I really wish to become a member of a family who very badly need a loving father and a friend and a good husband [i believe the Spears are looking]

As a father I will be loving, caring and friendly. I don't like to restrict children for unnecessary things and believe that parents should be 70% friendly, 20% strictly and 10% demanding with their children. [awwww 100% YES!] When you are friendly with them you will come to know automatically what they think, do and want [ha! yes common misconception]. If you know everything about them then there is nothing to worry . [um sure]

As a husband I will be a good friend,a guide ,a companion ,a teacher,a lover and a faithful husband. [what about your other soulmate fool?] I will strive to help her to grow in every aspects of life [you can cook aa? Andhra food items? chakli? kodbele?] and will also expect the same from her. [seriously?? lets try to be reasonable now]

I think 24 hours a day is very less and always try to save my time by giving importance to the most necessary works.I wish to live a full active life containing a lot of hobbies and interests.A hot bed tea,a tasty and nutricious break fast,again reading my favorite newspaper [um let me guess ... THE TIMES OF INDIA?] with a hot cup of tea makes my morning meaningful {of course I offer my morning prayer to the creator Allah}In the noon arranging the home,washing and cooking and I am ready for a nap.Evening time will be dedicted to family,walking and other entertaintments [finally!!! time for soulmate number 2!] Before sleeping I thank Allah for giving me a beautiful day to spend with my family.

Thanks for reading .It is very long but I think you may have got a very good sketch of me. [hell yeah!] but finalized by Allah [ex fuse me is it okay if i follow other religion? namely Scientology?]

best of luck.

F

B.D has pointed out [he deduced this after reading our friend's daily schedule] that there is no mention of a job. Damn it! And he almost had me with his hot tea in bed thing.

Wahat? I deserve it!

Since it’s my birthday month and all I figured I’d make it real easy and just tell you what i want.
Scroll down to the bottom of the page for the picture.
And no I’m not kidding.
I WANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Um i think you're making some sort of a mistake.

Technorati [don't you simply love them?] informs me that i feature on this list of top Indian blogs. I was like who? what? seriously? Anyway being very curious to see how this list was decided i emailed the guy who made it.

Further research shows this guy is a mini celebrity. Apparently he's India's first blogger [I'm not quite sure how one proves this fact] and he generally sounds and looks like an incredibly important person [he's wearing a suit in his profile picture] who i doubt is going to be thrilled to see lame email from silly old me with typos [yeah i didn't bother checking before i hit send and now i realise oops typos] Oh well lets see if our friend replies. I think the whole thing was a mistake. Some 8 people read my blog, six of them being Karen [from his mobile phone, regular computer, office computer etc...]

I also think after he receives my email he will realise his mistake and promptly take me off the list. Until then im kinda famous y'all [along with the um 200 other bloggers featured on there]. Also does anyone know if there's a trophy involved?

p.s If you're actually looking at the link I'm the last blog featured under personal blogs.

I aint got time to be coming up with titles. I have to pack and stuff.

I'm not having a very good day y'all. For one the weekend is almost over [mostly cause i got drunk* mid Saturday afternoon and spent the rest of the day/night/next day passed out] and it has finally dawned on me that i need to start packing. We're moving in less than two weeks and i have done nothing so far. The problem is i don't know where to start. There are things in various corners of my room I'm scared to go near. The thought of looking through all my crap and deciding what i need to keep and what i need to get rid off makes me miserable.

Since we're hiring a ginormous U haul i see nothing wrong with putting everything i own in huge trash bags and transporting them to the new house. I hear my room has a large walk in closet so i will then transport the bags into said closet and arrange them at a later date [or never] but this idea didn't sit well with mother who is wrapping each spoon, fork, plate, doll [don't ask] in newspaper and bubble wrap and neatly packing and marking box after box after box.

Adding to my misery is the terrible smell of burnt mottai curry [courtesy yours truly]. I was instructed per a note left on the kitchen counter this morning to make mottai curry and rice before mother got home. Now mother only leaves notes when she is upset and not talking to me or when she is in an extremely good mood like yesterday when i found a glazed donut near my car keys with accompanying note "Love mummy. Smiley face".

I know for sure its not the latter so i proceeded to make mottai curry. 5 minutes later i find there are no tomatoes in the fridge so i look for a can and to my dismay find that the entire shelf of canned food missing. I assume they have been distributed among friends or have been bubble wrapped and are currenly in a box marked "formerly useful mottai curry ingredients".

Now how does one make any sort of curry without tomatoes? My wannabe curry had half an onion, 2 spoons of Patak curry paste, 10 chopped [with kitchen scissors] green chillies and water. I figured id add some more water [and hope that it formed the curry part of the mottai curry] and go watch some tv since i owed it to the tv, i had ignored it remember due to the hangover. Big mistake. I came back 40 minutes later to black dried onions. And worse - a burnt pot. I promptly soaked the pot and decided to go with plan B - Instant Puliogare mix! Since the rice [ooh turns out i can make decent rice ... in a rice cooker] was ready and hot i just added a few spoons of the mix and mashed it up and voila lunch was ready but i can unfortunately still smell the remains of Plan A which will also be the first thing that greets mother as she walks in the door.

* Has anyone tried a chocolate decadence martini? It has vodka, Godiva white chocolate, Kahlua and half & half. D.E.L.I.C.I.O.U.S.
Unfortunately i spilled some of mine on Corey.

Other fun things i discovered at afternoon gathering.

1. Gabby's fiance [Irbaz and Karen I'm so sorry] is by far the quickest crippled person i have ever met. [The boy is temporarily on crutches after his dirk bike accident but should most definitely be in a cripple race.]

2. Corey is way funnier outside work.

3. Corey's friend Steve is HOT!!!

4. One should not be drinking shots in the middle of the afternoon.

5. One should not sit on backless chairs whilst drinking shots in the middle of the afternoon.

6. When one explores random secret rooms in the corner along with tipsy friend one will be disappointed to find they only have boring tables, a video screen and artificial flowers on each table. Tipsy friend and i checked to confirm that last fact.

7. It is wise to wear flats [yes the news ones. wheeeee] when one goes about exploring random rooms whilst drunk.


p.s Listen to Krish Ashok's lesson on the art of Himesinging. No. One does not have to be drunk to listen to this.

Meet my new friends!

What do you do when you find yourself madly in love with not one but two pairs of shoes and you cant pick what colour to get because they're both so fabulous?

?





?





You get em both fool!

Once the decision has been made you walk as fast as you can towards the register before you spot anything else.

Oops!

They were shiny. I couldn't help it. [Wait a minute. That's what she said when she got her laptop!]

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Shoes make me happy! AND its my birthday month so i get to treat myself.

p.s. Karen i know who's responsible for all those weird calls you've been getting. Its RBR!

and i quote:


"oh u know wat i did.... i went to all these insurance sites and entered karan's name as koodal karan saying he was interested in insurance. now strange insurance people call him in the middle of the night and heckle him......
The conversation starts off like this: can i speak to mr koodal...
i went to the hyundai site...... and signed him up for service ..... because.. he is shedding hair all over his car seat!
bwahahahahahahaha."


end quote.

Im so sorry this happened to you Karen. You deserve better!




No you dont. Muahahahahahaha.

I received the following evite today.


The countdown has begun for the parents to be as they anxiously await the arrival of a precious miracle, with rhapsodically infallible eyes and tiny little feet, emanating stupendously charismatic freshness, and bringing unparalleled festoons of happiness.

C, we are very happy for you as you give birth to this Omni-potently pristine soul, metamorphosing even the most capricious iota of evil into a sky of unshakably peerless truth; with the divine righteousness in his tiny soul!

A, rest assured, your quest for that one mysterious question "Why do people have babies?" will be over, once you see the profoundly unstoppable glory of panoramic creation of life! Don't forget to take a "snap" while you witness this creation, as you bring him in your arms after cord attached to his mother’s comfortable womb.

So we hope you all can join us in blessing the parent's to be.



Holy fuck!

Now here’s my question. What makes the party planners so supremely confident that this baby will have tiny feet? What if it has clown feet?
And of all the annoying words in this ridiculous fluff of a baby shower invite the one that disturbed me the most was ‘womb’.

Now what’s wrong with something simple and elegant like this?

A has successfully sperminated C y’all. We’re getting together to celebrate. Bring alcohol.

The end.

Ashish Uncle if you’re reading this do NOT tell on me.

We won!!!

It was really nice to see the way Dada and Jammy walked off the field today; Dada making sure the captain led the way to the dressing room by walking a little behind him. Jammy for his part turned around and made sure they walked off the field together. I thought it was sweet.

sniff.

Zak won man of the match which made my staying awake at this unearthly hour even more paisa vasool. He said 'definitely' about 20 times during his 2 minutes at the presentation ceremony but he said it looking very hot.

To the Board of Control for Cricket in India,

Its obvious you need a public speaking coach for the team.

I would like to offer my services, free of charge of course.

The end.

Yay we won!

I learn new words. I also discover i might be colour blind. Oh and also im irreplaceable ... either that or im worthless.

I occasionally get taught unique American words by my wonderful coworkers and i in turn teach these fascinating words to you my fascinating [but very silent*] blog readers.

Ladies and Gentleman i present to you today's word - 'Hootenanny'! Apparently it means a fun party.

Earlier today I had asked the boss if i would have to do an exit interview when i leave and if it would be fun. I was told after a couple of moments of silence followed by a smirk that it would be a hootenanny.

I also found out that they're not hiring anyone to replace me at work. This can only mean two things. One that I'm irreplaceable or two that my contribution to the company is so insignificant that it doesn't really matter if I'm gone.

In other news I met the most squeaky kid in the history of squeaky kids today. I wanted to bitch slap it but didn't because that would mean having to walk 10 feet towards the brat.

I also went pastel polish shopping today since its summer and all my magazines tell me that dark colours are out and i happen to own a bunch of these.

So this is what i ending up buying and now I'm told they look exactly the same.


Then i discovered i also own two more that look kinda the same.


What makes me feel better is the fact that it is now impossible to get the older ones to open. Also new nail polish is way funner than old nail polish.

Since we're taking pictures i have to show you these two that i bought a couple of weeks ago.

I just realised they're also pretty much the exact same colour. In fact two shades of the lighter one look like one shade of the darker one.

I tell you these O.P.I people and their cutesy names. Try walking away from 'Me so happy with this colour' or 'Mini how high' or 'Dulce de lichee'.

* Take a hint. Say something.

Just some thoughts on Day 3

I thought the batting today was alright. One always felt comfortable because of the healthy lead we had but it was really nothing spectacular to watch. Dada and Tendulkar looked solid until a bored Umpire Taufel decided he wanted to see new faces on the pitch. VVS was terribly boring. He hit a couple of okay shots but the rest of the innings was just so blah, especially for a VVS innings. At one point Kumble looked the more elegant of the two batsmen. He scored a quick 30 and was off before Zaheer came in and decided to charge towards the fielders with his bat raised in the air. I'm not sure what that was about but it was fun to watch.

Sreesanth looked very disturbed today. He must have set some sort of record during the last over. It took him forever to finish it. First he broke his run up [and not for the first time today] then he decided to come over the wicket to bowl the last ball [he had done the same for the first ball] which turned out to be a wide. Then he tried to run out the batsman at the non striker's end [the guy didn't even notice this because he was facing the wrong way but was also well inside his crease] and all of this in the span of one over!

Plus between deliveries he would scratch his ear and adjust his hand ornaments which included multicoloured threads, rubber bands and some sort of blue feather type thing. Then he would tie his shoelaces only to retie them again before the next ball followed by stretching of random body parts. Basically he came off completely demented. Why our wonderful captain [who by the way i didn't see all day] decided to give him that last over was beyond me.

And this is what annoys me immensely about Dravid. You hardly see him on the field. At least Dada would come up and talk to his bowlers and fielders and generally make his presence felt. With Dravid you forget he's even there.

The rest of the bowling looked ordinary. Zak bowled a few decent deliveries but nothing fascinating. Kumble tried really hard but you cant force a wicket in that little span of time. I do like it when they attack the batsman with fielders all around when Kumble is bowling. They need to do more of that tomorrow and for once [since we have some sort of a lead] we can afford to do it.

As for the English team this was actually the first time i got to watch Panesar and i really liked what i saw. Turns out Sidebottom is kinda cool too. James Anderson provided the eye candy as usual. Thank You Jimmy. I did miss Flintoff though, but he's probably in the middle of some lake drinking on a boat.

The pitch looked kinda dull today but we'll probably see some due tomorrow morning and hopefully our friend Sreesanth will have sorted himself out. We really need to win this thing and its all set up so beautifully. I just wish we had a more innovative guy leading the team.

edited at 1:13pm: 62 runs to win y’all!

Of course all the action happened in the last session of play most of which I missed because I was on my way to work! What's amazing though is how well my ear is trained. In spite of the booming noise that was my hair dryer I thought I heard the stumps breaking. I stopped the dryer immediately and heard the crowd cheer. It was Vaughn. Finally! He did play a beautiful innings but it went on way too long for my liking. Zak bowled amazing little spells throughout the day while Sreesanth tried to intimidate the batsmen with strange faces. He failed but oh well we got all ten in the end and that’s all that counts. Yay!

Here's why i'm obsessed with 30 rock

This is a conversation between doctor and patient while the former conducts a DNA test on the latter.

Patient: Dr.Spaceman, when they check my DNA will they tell me what diseases i might get or help me to remember my ATM pin code?
Doctor: Absolutely! Science is whatever we want it to be. I'll let you know as soon as i have the results.
Patient: I already know the results. The kid is not mine.
Doctor: Boy its crazy to think we used to settle questions of paternity by dunking a woman in water until she admitted she made it all up. Hmm different time the sixties.

Later,

Doctor: I have the results of your DNA test. Good news! You are not the father of that child. However, according to my DNA database you are a direct descendant of our third President.
Patient: Jasper Buckleman?
Doctor: No, Thomas Jefferson.
Patient [who happens to be black] : Jefferson? Not possible. That's a white dude.
Random person in the room: Yeah but that guy was into black chicks.
Doctor: These DNA results show that genetically you're mostly white.
Patient: It's ridiculous. I cant be white. My whole persona is based on an in dept analysis of the differences between black and white.

***

Tracy Jordon talks about the Black Crusaders:

Tracy: The Black Crusaders are a secret group of powerful black Americans. Bill Cosby and Oprah Winfrey are the chief majors. But Jesse Jackson, Colin Powell and Gordon from “Sesame Street,” they’re members too. And they meet four times a year in the skull of the Statue of Liberty. You can read about that on the interweb!

They take action when they think someone is making black people look bad, and are responsible for: tanking 50 Cent’s movie, blowing out Terrell Owens’ ankle and cancelling Eddie Murphy’s Oscar - because he ran out on Scary Spice.

***

p.s. I have terrible news. I just found out [on episode 18] that they replaced hot desi boy on the show with some other ugly dude. Sob.

***

edited halfway through episode 19: Hot desi boy is back y'all. Turns out Alec Baldwin has two assistants. Yay!

Trent Bridge - doable?

Not to jinx it but we look like we're in a decent position to win the second test. I decided to order the match because these free sites never work and i don't have patience to watch buffering at 4 am.

Alright boys DO NOT mess this up. I hope you remember your promise V.V.S, you're next to come in [not that i want to see you first thing in the morning so lets say sometime after we've crossed 400 and preferably at the cost of Tendulkar's wicket. What? You know i'm a Dada supporter all the way!]

Please God, don't make it rain.

9
little pyramids
in a row, one for each letter
of this magnificent creation by some genius
who decided squares were boring and balls were too
lets make em triangular he must have said only to be scoffed at
eventually someone important agreed to sponsor the experiment
and i imagine that's how T O B L E R O N E was created

um 55 word?

and yes the spacing took longer than the writing
and no im not on crack.

INDIAN IDOL [because there is no show on the planet i am not currently watching.]

You know why Indian Idol is way cooler than American Idol?

Because Indian Idol is American Idol + The Maury Show. Just the other day they interrupted a live performance to have an emotional confession from contestant Abhishek who wanted to tell the world he was adopted. Um okay. We don't care fool.
Then the producers decided this TALENT SHOW needed more drama so they surprise Abhishek by bringing on stage both sets of his parents. Matashri number 1 arrived on stage with handbag, you know just in case she needed to pull out the adoption certificates.
Like seriously who gives a fuck. Sing and get off the stage damn it.

My most favourite Indian Idol quotes this season:

Anu Malik to what's her face: "Your personality is very depressing."
Anu Malik to what's her face [after makeover]: "Your personality is very impressive" followed by crowd cheering.
Um exactly what part of her personality suddenly shone through after the makeover?

"aapko gaane mein bahut taqlif ho rahi thi, mein aapke liye dua maangunga"
which roughly translates to "you were singing like you were in pain.. i will pray for you"

Udit Narayan to contestants on their good days: "Bahuti zabardast performance thi aapki. aap zaroor top 5 mein aayenge"
Udit Narayan to contestants on their bad days: "Aaj aapki performance khaas nahin thi. LEKIN aap bahut acche singer hain aur mujhe poora vishwaas hain ke aap zaroor top 5 mein aayenge"

"Abhishek aapki aawaz ki besttt qvelity yehi hain ke aap ki aawaz mard jaise awwaz hain" - as opposed to Emon who sings like a helium inflated horse?

Anu Malik: "Chaaru please listen to me honestly"

Javed Akhtar: "jis tarah se gaate hain log parties vagera mein..." contestant's face falls even before the end of this sentence.
This is why i love Javed Akhtar.

What's her face said: "ek ladki kabhi lakda nahin bansakthi" because this one contestant happens to dress like a tomboy and sings with some life in her instead of trying to sound like some virginal heroine.

Other fun observations:

Alisha's necklace

Waat eet ees?

It totally reminds me of my aunt's mutton puffs or 'pups' as they are sometimes referred to by family members.

The contestants seriously need to learn how to make appropriate faces at appropriate times. They look absolutely miserable when someone else is singing well. This is where the American idol contestants are well trained. They pretend to enjoy the other performances and smile and cheer. Learn to bitch when the camera is off. Did they not teach you anything in school?

Another reason to watch this show:

Javed Akhtar's facial expressions




Sometimes he really looks like he's in pain.

Gtalk talk #106324712404

bharath: u read hari puttar?
me: um no
do i look the reading sort?
bharath: yes
me: wat?
no betch
i dont got no time to read
bharath: i can just imagine u with a cuppa tea.. thin watercress sandwiches....... callin yourself tootlepip readin the potter series by the fire
me: most of the books i read are by indian authors [later to be made into motion pictures]
or they're books by ex cricketers [sometimes with pictures]
me: tootlepip?
r u a pothead?
bharath: im not a pothead
i have the online version.
me: of course u do
why did i even ask
bharath: i want to do illegal book spreading.
me: u illegal online book downloading bastard!
bharath: tats offensive.
me: im sorry
me: u illegal online entertainment downloading bastard
bharath: u illegal online music/movie/book downloading bastard. there thats better
me: entertainment covers it all no? by the by where r all the songs i requested months ago?
bharath: not really.
porn is entertainment.
i dont download porn
ill send off from home
me: yes y is it that u havent ventured into the porn business?
bharath: i work based on demand.
me: wat do u mean ull send off from home?
bharath: u demand porn. i get porn.
i have downloaded at home.
me: right
bharath: some problem with my net at home
same rainy season problems
trees fallin.
light poles falling.
all tat.
so net disconnected
me: talking abt porn i was watching this show today where this guy has his porn collection on his bookcase and it lights up occasionally
bharath: LOL
me: the occasion being after a one night stand when the girl doesnt look like shes planning on leaving his apartment
it was hilarious
bharath: irbaz stores his porn in his car dicky
his boot is filled with abt 1000 dvds
me: do u think its sad that most of my sentences start with "i was watching this show today"
bharath: yes it is.
i empathise with your current " I HAVE NO LIFE OTHER THAN TV" situation.
me: its not just current
thats how it has always been
in fact my biggest fear with this whole moving thing is 1) the two day drive where there will be no tv
well except in the hotel room, but hotels dont always have 500 channels
bharath: ur an addict.
plug out ur tv.
me: and 2) once we get there it'll take direct tv some time to set things up
bharath: take a compass.
me: omg and the internet!!
how long do u think that'll take to set up?
bharath: poke it into the socket.
me: omg
bharath: ull be ok
me: i hadnt even thought of that
i will?
ure sure?
bharath: lol
me: wat?
wat compass?
wat socket?
wat r u talking abt?
bharath: nothing,
me: again i ask
u sure ure not a pothaead?
um hello?
thu bevarsi
bharath: no im not.
me: ure not wat? a bevarsi or a pothead?
bharath: im tyouingd thins wikljg m forewewwhjkeasd
i typed tat with my forehead
me: that was lovely
if there was a hooker prize for best forehead writer ud get it
whered u go betch?
bharath: im here only.
me: oh ok
alright i have to go then. i was watching 30 rock when u dinged me
bharath: i think there is some key stuck to my head
me: wat?
wat do u mean?
exactly how large is ure head?
bharath: my f7 key is missing
me: oh i thought u meant like ure carkeys
bharath: no no..... i think its in my head
me: um ok
bharath: shhhhhhhhhhhh
me: why dont u take this time to try and locate these keys
bharath: dont tell anyone
me: right!
bharath: IM SERIOUS
me: do random ppl on my blog count?
cause i think its time for a gtalk talk thing on me blog
its been a while
bharath: despite losing the war, German scientists still remained far ahead of the rest of the world in many fields
me: heeeeee
bharath: yes it is
me: huh?
u crazy bitch go back to sleep


edited 15 minutes later:

me: rbr go see blog
bharath: u just posted our conversation
me: um yes einstein
bharath: did u take my permission
me: i dont need ure permission
bharath: oh then its ok
me: like u took himesh's permission when u sent me the link to aap ha huzoor
bharath: heeeeeeee
i can sing blind man in station song.
me: wat
'
'\
?
bharath: ][''\;[';[p';'['
me: its not funny
go away
im watching 30 rock
bharath: i forget to ask u
me: wat?
me: no i will not marry u
bharath: dud u tell mom abt new lapop
bharath: laptop
me: oh that
bharath: err
ok
me: no
bharath: no?
me: she asked me why best buy was sending me bills
and i was like i dont know
they like to hound students
they be crazy
bharath: oho
ur not a student
me: i was last yr
im on a break
a hiatus if u please
bharath: ur a working aunty now
who drinks a latte
me: i do not drink a latte
its a venti 3 pump white mocha no whip
bharath: yeah.. some double whip shit
me: how do u not know this
?
bharath: yeah...
i keep tabs on ur life
me: well
u should
now go the eff away
im trying to watch some tv
bharath: poof i disappear
me: yay

edited 10 minutes later:

bharath: http://bengloorgirlindenver.blogspot.com/2007/07/himesh-indias-srkjames-bondrajinikanth.html read ths
its hilarious
me: um i know bitch
i wrote it
bharath: wahhhhhhhhhhh
me: seriously
see a docter or something
r u drunk?
tell me
r u drinking on the job again?
bharath: kinda
me: oh god
bharath: i had snake whiskey yesterday
bharath: oh u have to see this.
me: wtf is snake whiskey?
boy do not send me the same link
i will beat u
bharath: i went to this club ok
me: let me guess, u stole their appointment book again to add to ure collection?
bharath: and they had snake whiskey on the menu
i thought some new brand and ordered it.
me: k
bharath: nodidre .. there is a dead snake in the bottle
me: and now u find that u have been sperminated by a snake?
bharath: check ur mail
me: that did not happen to u
u liar

Thats when i checked my email and saw photographic evidence. Then i went to throw up but since i dont throw up like ever that was kinda pointless, so i went back to watching 30 rock.

I discover certain truths about myself.

So i never used to watch 30 Rock. I guess it must have clashed with something on ABC and I'm an ABC girl y'all. I mean i used to be an NBC girl but then NBC started to suck and ABC got fabulous. So i switched. Jeez i move to a new country and in less than 3 years i have already picked out a favourite television network and then i switch it. I also say y'all, jeez and fabulous a lot. Yep its official. I have no mind of my own. The TV runs my life y'all. I am what you would call a television whore. Also a blog whore. Seriously 4 posts in the same day? I need to get a life. As i was saying I've started to watch 30 Rock online [NBC.com, check it out] and its very very funny. Mostly cause Tina Fey created it. She also stars in it. Very cool show. Especially when its summer and there's nothing to watch on TV except that Pakistani dude on America's got talent, who is beginning to grow on me by the by.

edited 5 minutes later: Did i mention there's a hot Desi boy on the show? He's Alec Baldwin's assistant.

Help! Make it stop!

edited 13 minutes later: Look i even found pictures.
Oh God. Im unhelpable!

Tarkaari shopping Desi style

I'm having friends from work come over for dinner tomorrow night. Everyone except the boss was invited but there was no question of inviting him especially after the kind of behaviour he displayed this past week.

On Wednesday we got a secret phone call from J saying we were going to be audited. The boss went absolutely crazy when he heard this. He ran around like a crazy person all morning trying to finish stuff he should have finished long ago. But since he spends his afternoons staring at the calender, looking for missing pen caps [i kid you not] and scratching his face he never has time to complete what he started. Fortunately for everyone the surprise audit [which he referred to in an email as a CRISIS WE ARE FACING CURRENTLY] never took place and i lived to report this to you.

Back to my party, mother decided we needed to drive down to the Indian store to buy vegetables. Said vegetables are also available at the local grocery store but no no we must get NICE INDIAN VEGETABLES. That way mother can scrutinise each one and buy exactly how many she needs. "What will i do with a whole bag of potatoes from Safeway?" so she bought only 3 nice Indian potatoes.

Luckily for me I spotted a cute Desi boy [which is a rarity where i live] in the tarkaari section inspecting tomatoes. He was accompanied by an incredibly short woman who may have been his wife or little sister. I'm hoping it was his sister. I'm also hoping she was twelve. Either that or she was a dwarf. No wait a midget. [Remind me to tell you the story about the twin midget parking attendants on MG Road sometime.] So i kept my eye on cute boy the whole time we were there. He purchased GOOD DAY biscuit y'all. Can you believe that? Perfect!

Then mother decided she wanted to embarrass me so while we were paying for all the nice Indian vegetables she suddenly requests the poor guy at the counter to break the coconut for her. Apparently one must always check if that thing that looks like a coconut is actually a coconut. After all it might be a really really big furry onion disguised as a coconut.
"You see last time when i bought from you it was not fresh".
"Yes yes i remember madame. Last time also i had checked it for you no. No problem".
"Yes, but can you please break it only in the middle. Last time you broke it into so many small small pieces. It becomes very hard to scrape you know".
She looks around the store for other Desi auntyjees who might empathize with her. She only finds cute Desi boy who has begun to read the free Indian newspaper they keep at the door which always carries ancient news. The poor man then goes outside the store and proceeds to break the tenga right in front of our car. I quickly pray for a win in the ongoing Test match. Why waste a perfectly good offering no? Mother inspects the inside of the coconut. Her inspecting also includes sniffing. At this point I'm dying so i start carrying the bags out to the car and never look back at cute Desi boy.

I'm embarrassed to admit this but I'm listening to an incredibly cheesy song called 'Happy Diwali' from an even more cheesy movie called 'Home delivery' as i type this. For some reason this song makes me extremely happy. It also for some reason reminds me of the songs from the movie 'Anjali' which i also happen to love muchly. Anyone remember 'Motamaadi motamaadi'?

p.s. Anyone watch Indian Idol? I'm so glad Charu's gone. What was with her retarded reaction anyway? "I cant believe this? Are you joking? Please give me one more chance". Um bitch you cant sing. Go the eff away.

Unwanted commentary as i check out the boys on Cricinfo's gallery.

Dear Vangipurappu Venkata Sai Laxman,

You know you're a beautiful sight. I'm talking about your batting fool. So don't do things like getting out on 15. It saddens me immensely, especially when i have to wait for months together to see you in the middle. Promise me you'll play lots and lots more beautiful strokes [um run scoring ones of course, remember straight to fielder = 0] before you retire or they make you retire. Okay? Okay.


Sigh!

Muahahahahahaha Andrew Symond lookalike's name is Sidebottom. Muahahahahaha.


I have to admit if there's one cricketer who can pull off pink its Murali Kartik but did they have to go this far?


Anyone know when this fool plans to retire? No not you Simon Taufel. You we like. You we like a lot.


Um did Mandira Body set this field?


This reminds me of that one time just before the India Australia match at Chinnaswamy Stadium when we borrowed one kind uncle's binoculars and watched the boys stretching for the next half hour. Bliss!


Soupa this one's just for you. Your Gadduboy looks very amused but hai rabba waat eet ees his hallu? Maybe you should get Dritil the hot dentist to help him out. By the by did i spell Dritil right? Me thinks one would need really strong natural teeth to say Dritil. I can totally see someones dentures falling out as they attempt to say their dentist's name.


Talking about Soupie the poor thing said she has been trying for months to get tickets to the match. Former cricketer B [currently recuperating after surgery] promised he would get her tickets but gave haath. "Eediot fellow" as my dad would've said. And apparently you have to first fill out an application form online in order to buy tickets at Lords. Wtf?

How beautiful is this picture? Yes i know rain interruptions are never good but still its so pretty.


Look who's back y'all with rebonded hair and more crazy dancing!


p.s. I recently watched this movie 'Hatrick' and i have to say i was pleasantly surprised. It was more than decent.

Rowan Atkinson plays a Desi waiter

And the award goes to [2]

Alright i realise it has only been some 15 minutes since my last post but this is quite necessary as you will see.

The award for the saddest blogger in the whole world goes to BD. I just received the following email from him. "Woe is me: My kuil blog was my swan song. They have blocked blogspot at work :( :( Sem-eye evull these fellows are."

Let us take a moments silence to mourn a fellow blogger's loss. Feel free to leave your sympathy messages here.

And the award goes to

And the award for "the longest time ever taken by a human to tell a story" goes to Karen.

This is a new segment called "and the award goes to". I just came up with it and i will interrupt regular blog posts every now and then to award these wonderful titles to various well deserving people.

7 random factoids

I've been tagged y'all [by Miss Janefield] but im a little confused because the rules say 5 things but she did 10 so i figure ill do 7 cause dont they always have to be 7?


1. When I meet an incredibly rude person I always try to deduce why they are the way they are by checking for bodily signs. The first thing I look for is signs of pregnancy. If they pass that test I look at their clothes. If they're dressed badly it obviously means they have terrible taste which then makes it totally okay for them to hate me. If they're dressed alright I look for signs of ugliness. And most times it comes down to this. They're ugly therefore they're upset about this therefore they're mean. If they don't satisfy any of the above criteria I check for a wedding ring. Married people are always cranky.

2. Highlight of the day: B got part of her shirt stuck in the shredder today. It was very cool. She started screaming but no one would help her and apparently she thought she was going to die. Now I seriously doubt anyone in the history of mankind has ever been killed by a shredder. Anyway she kept saying the shredder needed to come with a warning. So I made one.

3. Since we're on the topic of office machinery I have to talk about my favouritest little gadget – the pencil sharpener. I recently discovered we had one in the office and its a great way to entertain myself. Now every time I'm bored I just open up a box of pencils and let the machine do its thing. The noise annoys everyone else but that's not the point. The point is actually nice and sharp and would make a fabulous weapon. There's just something about nicely sharpened pencils. I also love how they smell, very 1st grade pencil boxy which brings back fond memories. Sadly back then I always had pencil trouble. I could never get my pencils sharp enough and they were constantly breaking.There was this one kid in class, Rohan Kurien [i think] who was very cute and very neat and he always had perfectly sharpened pencils. He owned a table sharpener unlike me and I would borrow his pencils all the time. This was also a great excuse to talk to him. Yes I had crushes in the 1st grade and apparently I acted on them back then unlike now. I heard about Kurien again many years later when i was maybe 17 or 18. Supposedly he was a cricketer. Awesome! And last I heard [from a friend of his ex] he was a terrible kisser and she had to teach him how to kiss. Not so awesome.

4. I love pistachios. I just do. And I love pistachio ice cream. Sadly there's no good pistachio ice cream here which sucks. You know where you get really good pistachio ice cream? An Iyengar Bakery. It's probably one of the few remaining places that still sells Quality ice cream in that tiny cup with those tiny wooden spoons. Delicious!

5. I have a white skirt obsession. Every time i see a white skirt i have to buy it. Last i counted i had fifteen. Yes fifteen white skirts. Now to everyone else they look like the exact same skirt but i know the difference. Some are cotton, some are linen, some are a mix of both. They're different lengths of course and some are flowy and some are straight and some are flared but they're all very very pretty and you can wear them with everything and they make me very happy.

6. Ive always wanted to live in New york, in my own apartment. Ive never even been there and all I've seen of it is from television shows and movies but in my head its perfect. I know that its super expensive and the traffic is terrible but hey I've driven in Bangalore so i should manage. Its still something i really want to do. Maybe ill hate it or maybe ill love it but its definitely something i look forward to doing someday. Just me and my apartment. Oh it has to have this little mini balcony type thing where i can sit and watch the traffic.

7. I had a best friend and we don't talk anymore. We didn't fight or anything but we just haven't talked in so long and its really sad and i miss my former best friend. Call me.

I tag Bikerdude, Krish Ashok, Tanmay, Ashish and Free Spirit.

Now i take tagging very seriously so if you dont do the tag within the next 48 hours the Gods of the blogging world will be very upset and your blog will be ignored henceforth so i recommend you do it now.

Dude, people google the weirdest crap and land on MY BLOG!

Today’s words include:

1) “Shenrique” - Me thinks this would make for a fabulous drag queen name.
How does this link to my blog you ask? Well someone left a comment on one of my concert posts saying “Enrique Shenrique”. So there.

2) “Is it safe to marry a poor girl or medium class girl” – Dear confused person from Bangalore [!] first of all it’s middle class not medium class and since you insist on googling entire sentences i have to point out you’re missing an ‘a’ in that sentence and a question mark. Secondly if you want to be SAFE do not marry! Also dude ask someone professional or something. Trusting Google for marriage advice isn’t the smartest thing to do.

3) “Phenoyl smell during pregnancy” – no comment.

Here's what you guys have to do. Using key words from the above search terms form a fun sentence. Feel free to use more than one language.

I apologise for the lack of venting in over a month but i finally updated y'all.

Women have way funner blogs

Too lazy to blog. Not too lazy to link. I recommend this this and this.

The great thing about telling your boss you’re leaving in four weeks is not having to pretend to look busy at work all day.

Sneak peek at the first ever Kb creations!

It was just a few years ago when we'd make fun of her - "Kb when you become a fashion designer you're going to need to stand on a ladder to dress your models."

Cut to now and our little Kb is all grown up. I still can't believe I'm looking at actual Kb creations.

[click on image for larger view]

She insists i mention here that the ridiculous hair and makeup were NOT done by her. She also wants to state her immense hatred for the models. :)

Kb i love the dresses [my favourite is the second one] but i love u more!