Cream coloured suits, hooker heels and lots of gibberish.

We attended our first 'Desi event' in Houston last night. Gay cousin who doesn't know he's gay yet offered to drive. No jazz station this time. Instead ABBA! Mother sang along much to my annoyance. Don't even ask about the time we went to watch 'Mama Mia'. I was stuck sitting between my parents, both of whom decided they remembered enough of the words to sing along. Luckily for me the lights were dim.

Anyway it was a long drive to this place mostly because gay cousin who doesn't know he's gay yet doesn't believe in turning on the air conditioning even when its a 100 degrees outside. He claims it was on the whole time. To add to that he has this terrible car perfume thing that makes me sick. I made a vow never to sit in his car again, besides watching other people attempt to drive has never been my favourite thing. The conversation in the car was lead mostly by gay cousin who doesn't know he's gay yet who pointed out the 'nice areas' and the 'bad areas'. He also asked for suggestions for his Halloween costume. In case you weren't aware Halloween is more than two months away.

We arrived there way early and had to sit through part of the rehearsal. We listened to one man [with his long greasy hair in a ponytail wearing a cream coloured suit. No, not beige, not white. Cream, almost yellow] sing a ballad over and over again because he had to keep starting over. And he insisted on walking off the stage and back each time. It was fucking hilarious and sadly I've never been a discreet giggler. Plus we were sitting too much in front. Hmmm now that i think about it i might have been part of the reason why the poor man had so many false starts. Oh well.

Gay cousin who doesn't know he's gay yet totally had the hots for the mike tester guy who sang a few Hindi songs during the break. He couldn't stop gushing over his wonderful voice. He sounded decent, nothing spectacular.

So this event was to celebrate the spirit of Goa and we really didn't know what to except. What we didn't realise was that the entire program would be in Konkani. The music was nice but really after you hear 8 songs in a language you don't understand they all begin to sound the same.

The actual show began when man in charge [who for some reason decided he needed to button only the very last button on his jacket, giving the impression he was pregnant] gave this big speech [the only part of the show that was in English]. The rest of the show consisted of more singing and random little plays. Our ponytailed friend would come on stage, sing, make the same exact hand movements and walk off. Ten minutes later he would be back in a new suit, sing another song, make the same hand movements, walk around the stage awkwardly in between stanzas, walk off and ten minutes later the same thing.

Then suddenly the backdrop collapsed.

I was too shocked to laugh but turns out that was meant to happen. What followed next was this incredibly long play in Konkani. The lead actor wore orange lipstick. He was supposedly some sort of a doctor and the dialogue was between him and this one crazy dude. We know he was crazy because his head was bandaged, he made funny faces and held a toy duck in one hand. The scene went on and on and on. I made signs to mother and aunty that we should go but gay cousin who doesn't know he's gay yet seemed to be enjoying himself. As far as i know he doesn't understand a word of Konkani. More songs followed and more mini plays or different acts of the same play i have no idea. Finally he nodded and we left the hall only to be stopped by man in charge at the door who asked if we enjoyed ourselves. We lied and left.

For me the funnest part of the evening was the conversation i overheard.

"I think I'm overdressed men"
"No no, see over there, purple frock"
"My God!! Too much men"

[The purple frock also happened to be velvet in case you were wondering]

"Would you be know what happened to Jude?"

"Just you have this" - lady wearing a hideous orange and yellow striped dress with hooker heels who handed me a flyer.

"Hi. Im ******, will you also be performing tonight?" - gay cousin who doesn't know he's gay yet's painful attempt at flirting, with lady wearing hideous orange and yellow striped dress with hooker heels.

and my favourite -

"Did you see Jenny?"
"Ya aa, she helloed me when i came in."