I check out my new neighbourhood [because really what else does one do when one doesn't have a job?]

My first stop was starbucks where i was not very impressed. First of all the dude didn't know how to cut a straw. [oh i make them cut the straw for me if they're out of small straws] For some reason he tried to cut it with a knife and it looked all poky and i really don't appreciate particles of plastic floating around in my coffee. Then there was his lame attempt at a conversation which there was absolutely no need for because i had already made conversation with the lady who took my order. I mean sure there's the uncomfortable silence while he's making the coffee and i just stand there staring but really its just coffee, the time will pass quickly.

So he goes "How are YOU doing today?"
"Good, You?"
"Just good??"
"um yeah"
"Well you should get prepared because you're going to be very happy soon"
"Right..."
"cause i make my coffee with an extra shot of luurve"

barf.

Next i checked out the nail/hair salon. It was pretty decent except i got stuck with this really old Vietnamese man who suffered from OCD. Therefore i was treated to THE longest pedicure in the history of the universe. I'm not complaining. In the time it took to get me cuticle-free I discovered the latest skin care secrets courtesy the magazine rack. Did you know sunscreen and sunblock were totally different? And did you know washing your face more than once a day is not really required? something about washing away the skin's natural oils.. I also got to catch up on the latest celebrity gossip. There was so much i didn't know. Its been a while since i checked Perez Hilton. In fact the last time i visited that site was the last day of work.

Talking about work i had a phone interview today that went fairly decent. Cross your fingers. I kinda miss working. I never thought I'd say that but its been just over two weeks since i quit and now I'm bored, especially without Directv. sob.

After my ridiculously long pedicure i went to the local giant sized grocery store [I'm always afraid ill get lost in the maze of organic food and shampoos. They do have a lot of shampoo, again not complaining. I've always had this thing for shampoo] where I spotted my first cute desi boy who for whatever reason had brought his entire extended family to the store.His grandmother [or his incredibly old mother] was very excited to see the toy machine, like audibly excited.

Oh and they have this India/Pakistan section at the giant store and i found a Cadbury dairy milk fruit and nut bar.

I wasn't completely useless today. I cooked. I mean i attempted to cook. I make mottai curry [which was horrible] and chapathi, from scratch. I love the smell of fresh chapathis, with oil and all. I'm South Indian. I don't do the dry rotis. When i was a kid i ate my chapathi with Bournvita. Delicious!

Alright i gotto go eat my dairy milk and watch regular cable now.

Ta.

Must Read

Miss Teen USA 2007 - South Carolina answers a question

Bwahahahahahahahaha

Suggestions wanted. Exciting prizes available.

Will someone please teach me how to cross words out on my blog. I promise i wont overuse it. Oh who am i kidding? But teach no please.

***

Now taking suggestions on what to call the comment section instead of plain old
"_ comments".

So far i have: _ said

"stfu u crazy betch"
"entha hotness"
"heeeee u silly girl u"
"wateetees?"
"um watever we don't care"

If your suggestion makes it you win a virtual hug from the blog owner and free fashion advice.

***

For your entertainment

I received the following scrap on orkut - "Ms Meena! Ms Meena! Ms Meena.! now u r thinking that who is Ms Meena? arey yaar I m just asking u that u miss me na?

Zindagi ko khushiyon ne pukara hai, sada muskurao aap ye sandesha humara hai, phool khilte rahe jeevan me aapke, kaanto k liye daman humara hai..

Dosti yakeen par tiki hoti hai, Ye deewar badi mushkil se khadi hoti hai , kabhi fursat mile to padhna kitab rishton ki . DOSTI KHOON KE RISHTE SE BHI BADI HAI.

give me answar: ager aankhin milne ke baad 2 aur 2 = 4 hoon jate hai to to 2 dil milne ke baad 1 kyu ho jate hai ..............Repaly me with a solid reason ....... its a chelling for u"

I heart Houston already

Its amazing where a simple Starbucks hunt can lead you.

I was searching for a Starbucks today and i was told it was five minutes away ... IN THE MALL!

So I walk in and try to focus on finding the darn coffee shop but i'm sorry it is just impossible to ignore the sight of a BANDOLINO store.
Here's my justification for doing what i did.

1. It was my first trip to a mall in Texas. I couldn't possibly walk away empty handed. That would just be rude and possibly also abshagun.

2. I have never physically been in a BANDOLINO store before because there weren't any in Colorado so I have always had to shop online for their shoes. [In person the shoes are way cuter. Also they have fabulous bags. Who knew?]

3. They had a sale [not on all the stuff i bought but whatever a sale is a sale]

I found these.



How much fun do they look? Also they're totally work appropriate err after i find a job.


And this super cute red bag.



And this lovely big gold one that would go perfectly with my gold sandals.



The kind lady took out all the paper stuffed inside and put the shoes inside the red bag and the red bag inside the gold one and made it look as flat as possible for me. I had to find a way to hide it in the car without mother freaking out. Thank god for the spare tyre in the trunk! People sneak weed into the house. I sneak in bags and shoes.

I also discovered a lady to do my eyebrows. I thought i saw Priyanka Chopra's face when i walked past the stall. I looked closer and voila there she was along with Aishwarya Rai and a bunch of other familiar faces. The auntyjee/threading genius handed me a brochure on the benefits of threading over waxing. I wanted to hug her. Ever since my threading lady moved to LA i have had to get my eyebrows waxed and I hate it.

Cream coloured suits, hooker heels and lots of gibberish.

We attended our first 'Desi event' in Houston last night. Gay cousin who doesn't know he's gay yet offered to drive. No jazz station this time. Instead ABBA! Mother sang along much to my annoyance. Don't even ask about the time we went to watch 'Mama Mia'. I was stuck sitting between my parents, both of whom decided they remembered enough of the words to sing along. Luckily for me the lights were dim.

Anyway it was a long drive to this place mostly because gay cousin who doesn't know he's gay yet doesn't believe in turning on the air conditioning even when its a 100 degrees outside. He claims it was on the whole time. To add to that he has this terrible car perfume thing that makes me sick. I made a vow never to sit in his car again, besides watching other people attempt to drive has never been my favourite thing. The conversation in the car was lead mostly by gay cousin who doesn't know he's gay yet who pointed out the 'nice areas' and the 'bad areas'. He also asked for suggestions for his Halloween costume. In case you weren't aware Halloween is more than two months away.

We arrived there way early and had to sit through part of the rehearsal. We listened to one man [with his long greasy hair in a ponytail wearing a cream coloured suit. No, not beige, not white. Cream, almost yellow] sing a ballad over and over again because he had to keep starting over. And he insisted on walking off the stage and back each time. It was fucking hilarious and sadly I've never been a discreet giggler. Plus we were sitting too much in front. Hmmm now that i think about it i might have been part of the reason why the poor man had so many false starts. Oh well.

Gay cousin who doesn't know he's gay yet totally had the hots for the mike tester guy who sang a few Hindi songs during the break. He couldn't stop gushing over his wonderful voice. He sounded decent, nothing spectacular.

So this event was to celebrate the spirit of Goa and we really didn't know what to except. What we didn't realise was that the entire program would be in Konkani. The music was nice but really after you hear 8 songs in a language you don't understand they all begin to sound the same.

The actual show began when man in charge [who for some reason decided he needed to button only the very last button on his jacket, giving the impression he was pregnant] gave this big speech [the only part of the show that was in English]. The rest of the show consisted of more singing and random little plays. Our ponytailed friend would come on stage, sing, make the same exact hand movements and walk off. Ten minutes later he would be back in a new suit, sing another song, make the same hand movements, walk around the stage awkwardly in between stanzas, walk off and ten minutes later the same thing.

Then suddenly the backdrop collapsed.

I was too shocked to laugh but turns out that was meant to happen. What followed next was this incredibly long play in Konkani. The lead actor wore orange lipstick. He was supposedly some sort of a doctor and the dialogue was between him and this one crazy dude. We know he was crazy because his head was bandaged, he made funny faces and held a toy duck in one hand. The scene went on and on and on. I made signs to mother and aunty that we should go but gay cousin who doesn't know he's gay yet seemed to be enjoying himself. As far as i know he doesn't understand a word of Konkani. More songs followed and more mini plays or different acts of the same play i have no idea. Finally he nodded and we left the hall only to be stopped by man in charge at the door who asked if we enjoyed ourselves. We lied and left.

For me the funnest part of the evening was the conversation i overheard.

"I think I'm overdressed men"
"No no, see over there, purple frock"
"My God!! Too much men"

[The purple frock also happened to be velvet in case you were wondering]

"Would you be know what happened to Jude?"

"Just you have this" - lady wearing a hideous orange and yellow striped dress with hooker heels who handed me a flyer.

"Hi. Im ******, will you also be performing tonight?" - gay cousin who doesn't know he's gay yet's painful attempt at flirting, with lady wearing hideous orange and yellow striped dress with hooker heels.

and my favourite -

"Did you see Jenny?"
"Ya aa, she helloed me when i came in."

3 day mourning

so first the bad news.

i had to end my relationship with directv. nope it was not the sucky customer service people. it was because there was no place to install the dish. apparently if we were to install it on the balcony there would be no signal and the bitch in the office wouldn't give us permission to install in on the roof so yeah no directv. i went to my room and sulked. mother asked me if id like to move to an apartment facing the right way so we could install the dish. i thought that was sweet of her to even offer. but can you imagine moving again? nope. ill have to manage with regular cable. yes i said it. regular cable. omg someone hold me i think i might have a panic attack.

you know why it was so important to get directv? because they're the only people who provide ndtv here. i mean we also get the other desi channels but really ndtv was all i watched, and mtv desi but they took that away. i want to be able to walk in the house, switch on the tv and sit on the couch and hear a desi accent you know and listen to how hot or rainy it is or what happened outside salman khan's bungalow or whatever. i like listening to post match discussions and how we sucked and how dravid needs to go or whatever. i mean i realise there's the internet but the tv is different you know. its like right there and its big and it just feels like home when its on.

i hate switching on the tv and watching the local news, with those anchors in their ugly bright red suits that only news readers in the US wear and their perfectly bouncy hair and makeup, talking about some lame local issue about the bird park or some shit. i don't care damn it. i want to see MP's fighting. i want to watch 'night out' and 'we the people' and all those other shows. i want to hear the local reporters in different cities read the newspaper headlines. that's mother's favourite part too. she giggles when the girl from Hyderabad is on, or the man in Srinagar. and i like to watch the ads, the reliance ones and the hutch ones.

it just makes me feel closer to home that's all. is that too much to ask?
damn u apartment people.

oh and there is no good news in case u were wondering.

i hereby declare a 3 day mourning.

also earlier today rbr's pet squirrel died tragically. and he like just adopted it. it had been left abandoned on the road. so yeah anyway it died this morning. poor spooky. may your soul rest in peace. also while you're up there will you ask bob woolmer what really happened? i'm dying to know if all my theories are right and everyone else seems to have forgotten about him.

lets make it a 5 day mourning. okay? okay.

Thank You AT&T and Linksys

and the two sweet girls over in the Philippines who were smart and didn't put me on hold forever and said my name correct and didn't call me Maam or worse Sir.

i finally got the internet.
it's super high speed, it's wireless, it's fabulous!
i finally feel complete.
in honour of this wonderfulness i have decided i cannot fall asleep. i owe it to the internet.
i checked orkut, i checked stat counter, i read all me favourite blogs, i checked gmail 1 and 2, even hotmail.
oh its so good to have u back. muaah!

and im back...

its 4 am so bear with the incomplete sentences and lack of punctuation

I'm in houston
the drive here was fine
long but fine

the kind lady who drove the truck that one of the cars was attached to who i was supposed to be following was slow as fuck
she wouldn't go over 60
also she didn't believe it taking bathroom breaks
i on the other hand couldn't help taking every exit that had a starbucks sign and therefore every exit that had a rest area because random fact of the day - the human body produces 30 ml of pee every 30 minutes, you do the math.

i got lost only once [took a wrong exit. mother was on the phone with me overexplaining where i should and should not turn and i turned where i should not have turned]
i stopped at a gas station and was greeted by very smiley desi aunty who looked delighted to see me for some reason. i asked if she knew how i could get back on to 35 West and she said "ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. no"
i thanked her and walked out. i stopped a cyclist [he didn't look in much of a hurry] and he gave me detailed directions. he was sweating profusely and made me very thirsty.
i got some water and tried to get back on the highway.

i was successful after taking a couple more wrong turns.

i don't have the internet yet.
I'm in my aunt's house. they have internet. and cable,
my apartment has boxes.

a bunch of people came to help with the unloading of boxes.
mother had marked each one so as the man brought it up to the door [mother didn't allow him to go any further because his shoes looked dirty] and attempted to read out the contents people standing around [gay cousin who doesn't know he's gay yet, aunty and u haul driver lady] would make appropriate noises. "Pri - Shoes - gasp! Oh my god. Here hold this side, wait no you hold the back"; "Pri-shoes 2 - louder gasp" etc..

i ate some real food after 2 whole days of coffee and chicken nuggets.
my aunt's biryani is a lot like mother's biryani, which is a good thing.

i showered and went to sleep around midnite.
i awoke 20 hours later
which is why I'm awake at 4 am.

i tried to order a pizza. turns out that isn't as easy as it sounds. apparently you need to have a local home phone number and they check your credit history - of ordering pizzas.
eventually i had to walk over to my aunt's house which in some ways I'm happy is so close to our apartment but at other times not and ordered the pizza.

i tried to steal the neighbours' internet, they were all locked, the mean bastards!

my aunt's house is decent except for the fact that its infested with dolls.
the showcase [which is such a desi word] is very desi looking; meaning it has been stuffed with all kinds of objects the owners think are worthy of showing. example: framed picture of gay cousin who doesn't know he's gay yet at his graduation, a teddy bear wearing a red bow, another one with a star, a humongous vase [it might be the same one Jesus used to turn water into wine. i'm not sure] coffee mugs and apparently every doll my aunt has ever come accross in her entire life.

i got to check out gay cousin who doesn't know he's gay yet's car. [you know now that I'm going to be seeing a lot of him I'm going to have to give him a shorter name. how about gaysin?] k so gaysin's car is shiny on the outside and totally gay on the inside. the lights are purple. like bright purple. and he listens to the jazz station.

our apartment is nice.
i got the smaller room which does not come with the ginormous walk in closet but mother's going to use it like a store room anyway.
mine has a mini walk in closet.
aunty complained about how their house didn't come with large closets. i tried not to laugh but its hard when gaysin is in the same room.

other cousin was complaining about how the television here sucks. i proceeded to explain to him the decent channels and the must watch shows. other cousin has only been here a few months. he wanted to know what the good movie channels were. i told him about the indepenedant film channel which he proceeded to search for and of course the minute it came on there were naked people on screen. luckily aunty wasn't in the room.

gaysin has a large name plate on the door to his room. like he's twelve or something. also his door is shut 24/7.

supposedly the "indian area" is pretty close by. i want to go see. mother's eyes lit up when she heard 'saree shops'.

also there's a starbucks right across the road from us. what more does one need?

Gmail banter

One last nonsensical post before i'm off. You know how recently mother discovered my "other laptop" but strangely never asked me about it, well she did today. "What is that other part of your laptop? Its in that bag don't forget to pack it." I look at her like are you serious? "It was always there aa? I hadn't realised only." :)

I leave you with some gmail banter between Biker dude and yours truly.


The hellos
What is the ups? You have quit it off the office aa?
When you moving to Gujarat (ie How stone)?

How stone? Friday maarning or maybe even tumaarow yevening time we may be departing. where u have been? thu one big fat flying insect just sat on my laptop. don't know where it came from. bloody fool.

How stone = Houston. In US also insects are there aa? Where from it came? You're having flat or house? With or without verandah/garden?
What your gabby shabby and all will do without you? Why y'all want to move anyways?

eh thu how many times u r asking y to move and all. ready over we're going.
gabby shabby will be fine.
usa only that is why i am shocked as to y there is a flying object here. scary.
rt now it is house. i wouldn't call it a garden. ppl here dont have gardens. they have yards. we have a yard. Swaaturday onwards it will be apt.

What is a yard wheeze ah wheeze a garden?
Chumma some pullu they will grow and mow lawn in shorts on sunday aa?
Howstone temperature at this time of year will be hmm :p I was there exactly this time last year.

reeely? come again no. ill even go to that Ethiopian place. i wont eat anything but ill stare at the waiters.
and yes they wear short shorts and do mowing kelsas. i gawk.


One uggly waiterni only was there. Quite sad.
Actually the Ethiopian place was alright types. I was only surprised cos the food was vez and very Indian.
Acha about lawns. Nobody will sit on lawn with aloo parathas and blaring transistor aa? India means full they will do no?
I believe some insect called Lime Tic will bite bum if you sit in US lawn and you will die off it seems. True aa?

i havent heard of it. sometimes they will put muzeek. depending on neighbourhood. white tish people will not.
this is going to sound very racist but im actually looking forward to seeing multicoloured people. colorado is too white for me.
heeeeeeee im so going to use that in houston.

random person: what made u move to houston?
me: oh colorado was too white for me
random person: im sorry?
me: um i meant the snow.


Pls note correction in the response:
random person: what made u move to houston?
me: oh colorado was too white for me
random person: im sorry?
me: yeah, me too.


im so going to use both,

Oh boss I must tell you this story - once I went to Shell grocery store in Houston and bought something. As is normal case, I have immediately read badge of sales assistant which was Rosa. I have thought ok must be Latina and I have continued with purchase. Until she said "Thaaat-uh vill be dwendy dole-ayzhs and dherty cenduh."

Ha ha I have rubbed hands in glee and immediately asked "Naad evideya?" (where is your native place) Which is the social equivalent of "Oota aaytha" in Malayalam. Full family history I have heard and then she has given bloody dherty zents disgound. Never I went back again.

heeeee you're funny. we're funny.

Hai na? And single yay :(
I think single people are the most funny- because we try to ensnare prospectives with wit and humour- you follow? After marriage full gurrr we will sit.
Did you read the bit about Mallu shop assistant or zoned out after first sentence? Boo.

i did. some rosakutti or something.
and some married ppl r funny too
namely ure doww
and farhan akhtar. i would so do farhan akhtar.


Please who is farhaan akhtar kidding with that head band?

why does everyone say HEADBAND as soon as i say farhan akhtar?

i think this conversation needs to go on me blog. its funny.
or maybe im just high on cashew nuts and its not very funny at all,

Headband: was Farhan Akhtar's trademark fashion accessory a few years ago. Full orange colour it was. Whatever, i always thought!
Ok Im going to Ullas Refreshment for lunch.

I will depart with the following ridiculous conversation that happened yesterday when a choir mate called Jonas (huge blond swede) visited home in the night. As he was walking down driveway:

Grandmothers window flies open -
Booming voice: Yaaru?
Jonas: Silence
Booming voice: Who is it?
Jonas: Err.
Booming voice: All right.


heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. your ajji also stays with u aa? or random ajji? heeeeeeee
so funny.

Next house she stays. Full she is.
Ok Im off now. mwah

Miss me

Do not be alarmed if you don't see updates on this blog for a bit. No i didn't suddenly get a life. I'm just moving mine to a different state and as dulhanjee rightly pointed out i wont be the bengloor girl in Denver anymore but ill still be me and as soon as i find some kind person to come fix my high speed internet I WILL BE BACK. *evil laugh*

Tomorrow i have the agonizing task of driving to my local Comcast office to return [sniff] the little black box that helps me access the internet. This will not be easy [sob] but i think i will survive thanks to the wonderful people at Verizon and their mobile web service. Send me lots of messages because i will be checking my email every 5 minutes, just to make sure its still there.

In other news i finally got my car washed. The last time i tried to wash it this happened. Today's wash however was a 45 minute mini makeover which was fucking expensive, but totally worth it. I have never seen so much mold.... Anyway its all clean and shiny now and smells like lemon cake. The seats have been shampooed and i can finally see the carpet. Its a pretty shade of grey. Who knew? The best part was that i didn't have to do a thing. I sat around on the little bench outside and made a bunch of phone calls. It was breezy and drizzly and fabulous and i know what you're thinking, who in their right mind goes to get their car washed when its raining? but like i said, the mold. And its whats inside that counts no?

Mother just came bursting into my room. She demanded to know what i was doing playing on the computer [?] when there was so much to do. I asked her what she meant by so much and she looked at me like i was crazy and pointed at the shoes in one corner of my room. I told her they would take a minute to place in the car. Then she plonked herself beside me and i could hear this deep sigh which was kinda scary because it went on for like 3 minutes. I was like "Ma are you okay?" but she didn't appreciate the smirk that followed and promptly kicked me and stomped off only to return a minute later to ask me a very important question. "What kind of snacks should i buy in the morning for the journey?" My plan to stop at every Starbucks on the way was rejected. "Wahat? They have good banana bread" to which she went "Fine! I'm buying what i want. Don't bug me if you get hungry."

Mother is in desperate need of sleep, but I know her, she wont sleep a wink. What annoys her most is my nonchalance. I know she would like very much for me to join her in the unnecessary worrying about every mundane detail and that i refuse to do. Nope. Its my last few hours with my laptop, well with this ip address anyway and i am not about to spend it worrying about snacks and padlocks and directions and gas and change for the toll. Oh wait i do have to make sure my Cd's haven't been packed away. I am going to need every one of those Cd's. 17 hours is no joke.

I'll see y'all in Texas. Ta.

Ai mere pyare watan

My favourite patriotic song. You cant help but get teary eyed.

Be careful!!! That's my TV you're moving.

The boxes have been loaded. The house is empty. My room feels weird. I am bed less. I'm sitting on the floor on a chaape and two bedsheets as i type this. Just a while ago i was reading something and i laughed out loud and it echoed. How weird is that?

They packed the TVs. I stared at the empty space for a while when i got home before it finally sunk in. I wasn't even around to supervise the packing. I hope they made sure it was nice and safe.

My last day at work was kind of weird. Not sad, just weird. I did get presents! Gabby gave me lots of pretty nail polish in the most adorable gift bag.


I also got a Starbucks gift card from everyone at work. I got free lunch at that Thai place. A balloon from the Thai restaurant guy and his wife who came all the way to the office to deliver the balloon and the card. But the sweetest moment was at the end of the day. My manicurist kept her shop open way past closing time just for me and when i was leaving she said "You peek cohloh whathevah you waan and you use long thime so when you see cohloh so you can see my face. So you no forget me. Okay Seva?" She calls me Seva. I'm not sure why. She cant say Priya but Seva is not even close.

My boss was being incredibly silly all day. I asked him if he had his speech ready and he went "Oh for your exit?" and I was like "um no, like for when people call for references and stuff." Then he started a pretend speech about how i was fired for being such a nuisance and how i spread TB in the office and some other nonsense. When i was leaving he goes "Hey Pri have your people call my people" or something like that. Gabby kept asking if i was sad and if it felt weird to be doing all these things for the last time. She was very disappointment in my lack of sadness.

I had been warned about the inevitability of misplacing at least a few things during this move. So far i have lost the little plug thingy for one of my laptops and a hairdryer. It was on my bed when i left for work this morning but my bed is no longer here.

It feels really strange to be staring at an empty closet. There's my makeshift bed, an overnight bag, six pairs of shoes [you know for the next two days], my moisturizer, my handbag, a calender that still thinks its June, some dirty laundry and that is it. So empty.

One survives another Monday

One is tired after having woken up at 4 am five days in a row to watch a match that was eventually killed by a man one used to have a crush on when one was 13 and STUPID.

Before one forgets one would like to congratulate Umpire Bucknor on his having not achieved the title of 'worst umpire' for the first time in his relatively short international career spanning 4000 odis and 34043484 tests, all featuring India.

Tomorrow is one's last day at work. One has been invited to eat free Thai food at nice Thai restaurant near work by nice Thai restaurant owner. One will be accepting the invitation. One will also be taking along uninvited guest.

One came home today only to discover secret hidden [under the bed!] laptop had been discovered by mother. One chose to avoid the topic. One hopes no questions will be asked [ha!]

One has been tagged by Su and I love Lucy and what follows is one's lame attempt at said tag. One would like to remind readers that one is tired, sleepy and cranky as one writes this. One also has to finish watching [and analyzing] 5 episodes of Grey's Anatomy by tonight so one may return B's DVD tomorrow.

As per the rules of the tag one is supposed to list one's favouritest things.

1. test match WINS
2. pedicures
3. V.V.S Laxman
4. chocolate mousse cake [from Sweet Chariot]
5. birthdays [um Birthday. One really doesn't care if its yours.]
6. lots and lots of rain
7. good hair days
8. good skin days
9. cold water [not iced and especially not with ginormous cubes of ice]
10. making up completely irrelevant titles for blog posts
11. Andra style chilly chicken & Biryani
12. spell check
13. television shows featuring good looking people
14. silent babies six feet away
15. long giggly bitchy conference calls with one's best friends on skype
16. Burts beeswax lip balm [without which one refuses to leave the house]
17. the internet
18. jumbo shrimp
19. photographs
20. unexpected presents [read: unexpected gift certificates]

Tamil Punkster & Twisted DNA - its your turn.

One would like to wish one's readers a Happy Independence Day!

Does anyone know what's going on at the Oval?

because at this point I am completely clueless. We have a 400+ run lead and we're still batting. Let me rephrase that, we're still blocking. And we have been for the past 5 hours. When Dravid decided not to enforce the follow on i figured the plan was to go in there and knock it around, maybe send Dhoni in at one down, basically get a quick 100 - 150 and put the English batsmen in. But apparently we're playing for a draw because that would ensure a series win and boredom all over the universe. Oh blah! I've been trying to give Dravid the benefit of doubt all day. Maybe his plan is to bat till tea. Not! Its the last session and we're still batting.

If there's anyone else who happened to watch Dravid's innings today i just have to say to you: I'm so sorry you had to witness the most excruciatingly painful piece of batting since the invention of the cricket bat. I feel you oh anonymous person at the other end of the world. Stay strong. Drink lots of coffee. Its helping me. Kind of.

and to you dear captain: for fucks sake get on with it!

Out my foot!

Great! We have visually challenged Bucknor at one end and now this deaf idiot at the other. You don’t be giving people out lbw when there’s a loud nick fool, especially when these people happen to be DADA!
UGHHHHHHHHHHHHH

You know how people complain about us never winning test series abroad. You know why? It’s the Ghost of Bucknor i tell you. For some reason he is always umpiring in the last and most important test. Remember the series in Australia? Sure Steve Waugh was being a pain in the ass and refusing to get out [since it was his farewell test and all] but the real reason we didn’t win was Bucknor and his refusal to give anything out that last day. What hope do we have of winning this series with these two in charge?

Please God, give them their sight and hearing back even if it’s just a temporary thing.

I promise ill be good.

And they say Soulmates dont exist!

So you know how the 'about me' section on this blog promises hilarious marriage proposals? Well its true. A few months ago my very lame friend made multiple fake profiles for me on random marriage websites and in spite of my many attempts to spam folder them one or two do get into my inbox.

Today i received this email from Mr.F
It has not been edited, except for the parts in italics. Those would be my smart ass comments.

Hi,

I am in search of a loving, caring and generous women. I prefer to marry a woman with/without children. [which is it? with or without?]

I am living with alone [right, we're going to have to change your pet's name to disco once we're married. what kind of a name is alone? rama rama!] but visit to see my children [of course. and we all know how much i love the childrens!]

My hobbies are dawath [sorry? i hope thats not a typo for death], reading. Traveling and writing.

I want to marry a widowers [you swing both ways eh?]/divorcees /unmarried with/without children [wah so wonderphul human being u are].

I think marriage is not a union of only two people but a beautiful bond between two different families, community and cultures. Marrying into a good family and enjoying the privilege of being a good spouse of well educated and well braided [yeah, about that. is it okay if i am haawing baandli cut?] women means achieving everything in this world. But we cant expect everything from others for our own happiness. If I am lucky enough to get my soul mates [well i guess that is why it isn't spelled SOLEmate. anyway im so glad u already feel this way. u see i am also haawing one soulmate [apart from u possibly]. his initials are T.V] I wish to make her life more happier and comfortable. So if my women have kids to brought up I wish to help her. I really wish to become a member of a family who very badly need a loving father and a friend and a good husband [i believe the Spears are looking]

As a father I will be loving, caring and friendly. I don't like to restrict children for unnecessary things and believe that parents should be 70% friendly, 20% strictly and 10% demanding with their children. [awwww 100% YES!] When you are friendly with them you will come to know automatically what they think, do and want [ha! yes common misconception]. If you know everything about them then there is nothing to worry . [um sure]

As a husband I will be a good friend,a guide ,a companion ,a teacher,a lover and a faithful husband. [what about your other soulmate fool?] I will strive to help her to grow in every aspects of life [you can cook aa? Andhra food items? chakli? kodbele?] and will also expect the same from her. [seriously?? lets try to be reasonable now]

I think 24 hours a day is very less and always try to save my time by giving importance to the most necessary works.I wish to live a full active life containing a lot of hobbies and interests.A hot bed tea,a tasty and nutricious break fast,again reading my favorite newspaper [um let me guess ... THE TIMES OF INDIA?] with a hot cup of tea makes my morning meaningful {of course I offer my morning prayer to the creator Allah}In the noon arranging the home,washing and cooking and I am ready for a nap.Evening time will be dedicted to family,walking and other entertaintments [finally!!! time for soulmate number 2!] Before sleeping I thank Allah for giving me a beautiful day to spend with my family.

Thanks for reading .It is very long but I think you may have got a very good sketch of me. [hell yeah!] but finalized by Allah [ex fuse me is it okay if i follow other religion? namely Scientology?]

best of luck.

F

B.D has pointed out [he deduced this after reading our friend's daily schedule] that there is no mention of a job. Damn it! And he almost had me with his hot tea in bed thing.

Wahat? I deserve it!

Since it’s my birthday month and all I figured I’d make it real easy and just tell you what i want.
Scroll down to the bottom of the page for the picture.
And no I’m not kidding.
I WANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Um i think you're making some sort of a mistake.

Technorati [don't you simply love them?] informs me that i feature on this list of top Indian blogs. I was like who? what? seriously? Anyway being very curious to see how this list was decided i emailed the guy who made it.

Further research shows this guy is a mini celebrity. Apparently he's India's first blogger [I'm not quite sure how one proves this fact] and he generally sounds and looks like an incredibly important person [he's wearing a suit in his profile picture] who i doubt is going to be thrilled to see lame email from silly old me with typos [yeah i didn't bother checking before i hit send and now i realise oops typos] Oh well lets see if our friend replies. I think the whole thing was a mistake. Some 8 people read my blog, six of them being Karen [from his mobile phone, regular computer, office computer etc...]

I also think after he receives my email he will realise his mistake and promptly take me off the list. Until then im kinda famous y'all [along with the um 200 other bloggers featured on there]. Also does anyone know if there's a trophy involved?

p.s If you're actually looking at the link I'm the last blog featured under personal blogs.

I aint got time to be coming up with titles. I have to pack and stuff.

I'm not having a very good day y'all. For one the weekend is almost over [mostly cause i got drunk* mid Saturday afternoon and spent the rest of the day/night/next day passed out] and it has finally dawned on me that i need to start packing. We're moving in less than two weeks and i have done nothing so far. The problem is i don't know where to start. There are things in various corners of my room I'm scared to go near. The thought of looking through all my crap and deciding what i need to keep and what i need to get rid off makes me miserable.

Since we're hiring a ginormous U haul i see nothing wrong with putting everything i own in huge trash bags and transporting them to the new house. I hear my room has a large walk in closet so i will then transport the bags into said closet and arrange them at a later date [or never] but this idea didn't sit well with mother who is wrapping each spoon, fork, plate, doll [don't ask] in newspaper and bubble wrap and neatly packing and marking box after box after box.

Adding to my misery is the terrible smell of burnt mottai curry [courtesy yours truly]. I was instructed per a note left on the kitchen counter this morning to make mottai curry and rice before mother got home. Now mother only leaves notes when she is upset and not talking to me or when she is in an extremely good mood like yesterday when i found a glazed donut near my car keys with accompanying note "Love mummy. Smiley face".

I know for sure its not the latter so i proceeded to make mottai curry. 5 minutes later i find there are no tomatoes in the fridge so i look for a can and to my dismay find that the entire shelf of canned food missing. I assume they have been distributed among friends or have been bubble wrapped and are currenly in a box marked "formerly useful mottai curry ingredients".

Now how does one make any sort of curry without tomatoes? My wannabe curry had half an onion, 2 spoons of Patak curry paste, 10 chopped [with kitchen scissors] green chillies and water. I figured id add some more water [and hope that it formed the curry part of the mottai curry] and go watch some tv since i owed it to the tv, i had ignored it remember due to the hangover. Big mistake. I came back 40 minutes later to black dried onions. And worse - a burnt pot. I promptly soaked the pot and decided to go with plan B - Instant Puliogare mix! Since the rice [ooh turns out i can make decent rice ... in a rice cooker] was ready and hot i just added a few spoons of the mix and mashed it up and voila lunch was ready but i can unfortunately still smell the remains of Plan A which will also be the first thing that greets mother as she walks in the door.

* Has anyone tried a chocolate decadence martini? It has vodka, Godiva white chocolate, Kahlua and half & half. D.E.L.I.C.I.O.U.S.
Unfortunately i spilled some of mine on Corey.

Other fun things i discovered at afternoon gathering.

1. Gabby's fiance [Irbaz and Karen I'm so sorry] is by far the quickest crippled person i have ever met. [The boy is temporarily on crutches after his dirk bike accident but should most definitely be in a cripple race.]

2. Corey is way funnier outside work.

3. Corey's friend Steve is HOT!!!

4. One should not be drinking shots in the middle of the afternoon.

5. One should not sit on backless chairs whilst drinking shots in the middle of the afternoon.

6. When one explores random secret rooms in the corner along with tipsy friend one will be disappointed to find they only have boring tables, a video screen and artificial flowers on each table. Tipsy friend and i checked to confirm that last fact.

7. It is wise to wear flats [yes the news ones. wheeeee] when one goes about exploring random rooms whilst drunk.


p.s Listen to Krish Ashok's lesson on the art of Himesinging. No. One does not have to be drunk to listen to this.

Meet my new friends!

What do you do when you find yourself madly in love with not one but two pairs of shoes and you cant pick what colour to get because they're both so fabulous?

?





?





You get em both fool!

Once the decision has been made you walk as fast as you can towards the register before you spot anything else.

Oops!

They were shiny. I couldn't help it. [Wait a minute. That's what she said when she got her laptop!]

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Shoes make me happy! AND its my birthday month so i get to treat myself.

p.s. Karen i know who's responsible for all those weird calls you've been getting. Its RBR!

and i quote:


"oh u know wat i did.... i went to all these insurance sites and entered karan's name as koodal karan saying he was interested in insurance. now strange insurance people call him in the middle of the night and heckle him......
The conversation starts off like this: can i speak to mr koodal...
i went to the hyundai site...... and signed him up for service ..... because.. he is shedding hair all over his car seat!
bwahahahahahahaha."


end quote.

Im so sorry this happened to you Karen. You deserve better!




No you dont. Muahahahahahaha.

I received the following evite today.


The countdown has begun for the parents to be as they anxiously await the arrival of a precious miracle, with rhapsodically infallible eyes and tiny little feet, emanating stupendously charismatic freshness, and bringing unparalleled festoons of happiness.

C, we are very happy for you as you give birth to this Omni-potently pristine soul, metamorphosing even the most capricious iota of evil into a sky of unshakably peerless truth; with the divine righteousness in his tiny soul!

A, rest assured, your quest for that one mysterious question "Why do people have babies?" will be over, once you see the profoundly unstoppable glory of panoramic creation of life! Don't forget to take a "snap" while you witness this creation, as you bring him in your arms after cord attached to his mother’s comfortable womb.

So we hope you all can join us in blessing the parent's to be.



Holy fuck!

Now here’s my question. What makes the party planners so supremely confident that this baby will have tiny feet? What if it has clown feet?
And of all the annoying words in this ridiculous fluff of a baby shower invite the one that disturbed me the most was ‘womb’.

Now what’s wrong with something simple and elegant like this?

A has successfully sperminated C y’all. We’re getting together to celebrate. Bring alcohol.

The end.

Ashish Uncle if you’re reading this do NOT tell on me.