things i discover for you. be appreciative betch.

dancing with the "stars" is finally over! it's safe to switch your TVs back on.
abc, can we have boston legal back now?

yay the writers are done striking.

shopping with your mother's sister can be way more fun than shopping with your mother.

i wouldn't recommend buying marie claire magazine this month, not unless you want to see naked pregnant women. and jeez what was wrong with page 55 or something? or even better a damn pregnancy magazine???

who's buying me what for Christmas?

there's a silk mustard mossimo skirt at target for $19.99. you'd be a fool not to get it. however if you do, do not plan on wearing it to my work tomorrow. that would not be cool.

i know i said a lot of horrible things about saawariya the movie but the album is one of the best this year. i'm assuming you liked devdas.

everybody move to houston for the winter. it's perfect.

remember that cork that was stuck in the cork screw from like two months ago? yes the same one i asked you fools to help me with. the same one i got absolutely no help for. useless fucks! anyway it has finally been unscrewed. thanks gay cousin who doesn't know he's gay yet's older brother who doesn't think it's the least bit weird to talk dirty to his wife on the phone in front of his aunties. gross! just because they pretend not to hear you doesn't mean they cant. except for the one with the hearing aid. okay i'm going straight to hell.

please vayyt. you are in the queque.

you like ze green? disco likes ze green. damn it disco is ze green.

this is why one must never agree to go watch a movie gaysin has recommended.

i have just spent the last two hours watching the most annoyingly optimistic orphan child try to locate his missing parents through the power of music. the little shit claims to hear his imaginary parents' voices which along with other wonderfully melodious worldly noises eventually help him become a famous musician [like for an hour] thereby bringing together an entire town and his parents after eleven long tragic years.

one night on a roof top eleven years ago annoyingly optimistic orphan child's parents fell madly in love after hearing robin williams dressed for some reason like amitabh bachchan in jhoom barabar jhoom play the guitar while roaming the streets with other hobos and they proceeded to have this deep fascinating conversation.

baby mozart's daddy: "so, what is your story?"
baby mozart's mommy: "i don't know. i'm.............. just me"

after this soul stirring dialogue and some staring at the moon, the two kiss and voila the girl is now sperminated with musical genius fetus, only the two never see each other again because of the girl's evil scheming father. so it's now up to baby mozart to bring them all together........through the power of music. gahhhhhhhhhh!

baby mozart decides to escape from his orphanage sadly leaving behind his favourite spooky wind chimes only to meet yet another 12 yr old wannabe musician who befriends him in exchange for a pizza. turns out his new friend works for robin williams who gasp is the evil villain. baby mozart has to escape one more time. this time he meets little girl squeal-a-lot who introduces him to a priest who decides baby mozart needs to be in music school, where after a single listening they decide to let him perform in front of thousands of people and this is where the little shit meets his parents, not without lots of crying and drama and slb style running and orchestra music of course. gahhhhhhhhhh!

of course gaysin enjoyed the movie tremendously and recommended my mother and aunt see it at once!

and to think i could've been watching this movie instead which i'm still planning to watch by the by. i'm sure i'll live to regret it but we're destined to meet, this movie and i, just like baby mozart and his parents.

p.s i have a terrible feeling this movie is going to be remade in hindi. please god, don't let it happen.

things i learn from watching late night infomercials

if you paint your hand with foundation until it is sufficiently orange and then dunk it in a fish bowl the water will soon turn a light orange and your hand will return to its normal colour. however if you powder your hand with bare mineral foundation until it is sufficiently orange and then dunk it in a fish bowl the water stays clear and your hand stays orange. also you will stay very cheery and then something happens to your neck where you cant stop nodding and your eyes get very wide and then more nodding takes place. also your teeth magically whiten almost immediately.

just thought y'all might want to know.

in which my family annoys and entertains me

it is officially cold which is perfect because the sweaters i ordered just arrived. i got to wear one this evening to watch 'khuda ke liye'. i dont blame you if you've never heard of it. it's a pakistani movie. mother refused to watch goal. she claimed i had mentioned it had gotten bad reviews [note to self - idiot!] plus she really wanted to see the movie with naseeruddin shah in it [the man makes a five minute guest appearance towards the end!] and sure the movie wasn't terrible but there was no dhandhanaadhan in it. i wanted filmy damn it! gay cousin who doesn't know he's gay yet stared at a poster of srk's abs with a sad look on his face. i told him id go watch it with him again if he wanted. then mother embarrassed everyone by making a scene at the food stand because they had run out of samosas. you'd think the woman was forced to eat popcorn. i mean there were chicken rolls and chaat and pakoras and chai. sometime i think she forgets we're not in india. it doesn't help of course when we're surrounded by people in shiny outfits. what is with desi people wanting to wear mirror work chiffon salwars in the winter? and what is with gay cousin who doesn't know he's gay yet referring to it as 'full jaam jaam'?

my aunt is visiting us for thanksgiving. and the rest of the week apparently! anyway she is the psychiatrist in the family so you cant really have a normal conversation with her. she's always analyzing you and she does a terrible job of hiding it. earlier this afternoon around oneish i stumbled out of my room to get some coffee only to find her, mother and gay cousin who doesn't know he's gay yet in the middle of a very detailed analysis on the life of my uncle's wife whom they all hate very much. that poor poor lady! i see nothing wrong with her. she wears pretty sarees and she always brings chocolate. however not wanting to ruin the holiday spirit i joined them at once! a conversation with my mum and her sisters is never dull. plus with psychiatrist lady in the mix and gay cousin who doesn't know he's gay yet interrupting every five minutes to ask another totally inappropriate question it was ridiculously entertaining. see now this is the kind of filmy i like.

p.s blogger tells me my last post was my 250th. for someone with no social life i sure find a lot to talk about. maybe this is why i have no social life. how's everyone else's weekend going?

gay cousin who doesn't know he's gay yet - thanksgiving edition

gay cousin who doesn't know he's gay yet recently moved house. part of the reason apparently was his want to decorate said house. he did a decent job. but just because three people told him that, he now wants to go to school to be an interior designer. he's not THAT good. i dont know how to tell him.

other things i dont know how to tell him:

he rolls his eyes way too much. it makes me dizzy.

he has got to buy longer shorts.

THAT blue is not his colour. THAT blue is no one's colour.

i dont think that srilankan dude is into him. in fact i doubt he's even gay. no gay boy could possibly wear those pants. the thing had pleats.

talking about the srilankan dude, mother introduced me to him four times. it was embarrassing. for everyone.

gay cousin who doesn't know he's gay yet cooked the thanksgiving meal today. all by himself too. it was decent. the chicken was bland but at least he didn't try to make turkey. desi people cant cook turkey. i hate it when they try. by the by the other day we had turkey at the office thanksgiving potluck. it was horrideous. so was the sweet potato thing. and the corn bread. i ate bread butter and carrot cake. yes, a vegetable cake was the highlight of the meal for me. white people cant cook. it's so sad.

back to gay cousin who doesn't know he's gay yet. he wants to go watch a hindi movie this weekend. i told him his options. his eyes lit up when i said john abraham. so we're probably going to go watch dhandhanaadhan goal. speaking of which how much fun is that song?

note to self: one more day of work and then three days off! i can do this. deep breath.

now little children. lettuce listen to the wind as we reach for the rainbow. lettuce smell the grass. oh you're too young for that? never mind then.

this was the final question at the recently held miss earth pageant where miss india came in second in spite of wearing this hideous outfit which looked like something beyonce threw up. do i make you proud perezhilton?

how would you explain the beauty of mother earth to a blind child?

how can you not love this question? it's so pageanty, yet so earthy. and it even mentions a blind child.

this was miss canada's winning answer:

"i would say that the beauty of mother nature smells as sweet as the sweetest rose. that the beauty of mother nature feels as soft as the softest leaf. and that the beauty of mother nature sings like the birds in the trees."

so much BS. so much fun! which is why i want to hear your own over the top ridiculous super lame answer to the above question.

p.s don't forget to thank the judges for the opportunity. you may also stall for time by using a translator.

from me, with love...

dear nbc,

i appreciate your thoughtfulness in providing your viewers free online episodes. however each time there's a commercial the screen goes back to its regular size which means i have to manually click the full screen button, which means i have to stretch. now i have nothing against stretching but really when i'm relaxing on my couch i don't want to have to unnecessarily elongate my body and since there is no such thing as a laptop remote [or is there?] i highly recommend that you fix this minor technical difficulty so we can all go back to uninterrupted 30 rock streaming.

dear anil kumble,

congratulations! i know this is a strange time to have made you captain and i know you weren't first or second choice and i know not everyones thrilled with this decision but i know you'll give it everything you've got and i want to wish you all the best.

dear cd thief,

the windows are down bitch! and it's raining!!!

dear mummy,

i realise your sister is coming to visit and i realise your need to clean the house obsessively but I've watched you all day and i know for a fact that you have vacuumed and dusted every single spot in the house and it's all pretty and shiny now so you can stop. really. please. the noise from all the vacuuming is giving me a migraine. and i don't even get migraines.

dear bandolino,

thank you for doing what you do. i think i might be in love with you.

dear soupie,

i had to find out from kb about your little french trip. i am outraged!

dear kb,

have i told you how pretty and talented you are? how soon can you make me that pink kurta?

dear disco, disco 2 and disco shanti [um this may not apply to you right now but it will tomorrow]

i'm sorry you all had to die so tragically but it is in the nature of fish to die after three earth days. know that you are missed. know that you are irreplaceable. um ignore that last part. just know that you are missed.

to the person who stole the cd's from my car

dear sir/madam/crazy,

i realise i probably shouldn't have left the windows down but you know it's hot as fuck here and just because the windows are down doesn't mean you can take people's stuff. and here's what i dont get. there were two boxes. why did you steal only one? is red your favourite colour?

look i get that maybe you were curious. maybe you figured we might have similar taste in music. but once you discovered that most of the cds were in languages completely alien to you why did you still hold on to them? and if you happened to enjoy the music why didnt you leave me a note saying "thank you, because of you i have now discovered this new wonderful genre of music and i'd now like to return the box of cds i STOLE from your car in exchange for other ones you might possibly have" i wouldve been delighted to share them with you. but no you kept them or even worse you threw them away!

they're irreplaceable those cds. okay they're not irreplacable but it would be very VERY inconvenient for me to find them all over again. there were some i had ordered online that took months to arrive. there were some i had to beg the guy at my local indian store to find and ship for me. there were some that my daddy mailed to me. there were some i had bought on my last trip home. the kind man on commercial street had to call all his friends/dealers to locate certain cds for me.

look, you can still return them. my car's always parked in the same spot. please, give it back. my music means a lot to me. plus it's the holiday season. the time of giving. maybe this can be your present to me.

p.s would it help if i left my windows down again? ever since you stole my cds i have been forced to roll up my windows and lock my door but i can leave it open for you if you want. okay? okay.

a blue film

my what pretty cursive writing! and look everything's blue and green and sparkly. awwww what a cute old lady. ha this boy is so weird looking but he's kinda growing on me. its not like he has much competition. so far he's the only speaking character in the movie. ooh look a hooker. ooh look more hookers. ooh look a hooker group dance. and they're all colour coordinated too. is that a blue pothole? oh i get it! the potholes are kinda like the palette in this giant painting of a movie. very cool slb. very cool.

damn that girl has long hair. who does she look like? juhi chawala with a sharper nose? at least she doesn't have an annoying voice. oh hello no! girl who taught you to laugh like that? that was a bit scary. wait why are you suddenly in love with your house tenant dude? he obviously hasn't showered in days and is that surma he's wearing? plus from the two lines he's spoken it sounds like he might be a terrorist. oh you don't know why you're in love. you just are. right. and you're going to wait for him? i see. on the bridge? every night. for an entire year. in the rain and in the snow. all dressed up. how sweet!!! what is it that you do again? oh you weave carpets! excellent.

ha that scene was so chand chupa. and your grandmother is blind like in black? wait was that naked ass i just saw? but but i thought that scene was going to be censored. hmmm. oh look he just said a line from one of his dad's films. awww. right. more blue. so very pretty. i'm sure there's a point to all of this. i'm really very sure. ha old lady is funny. did she just say bitch? oh what a beautiful song. ooh another one. and eight more. right. um why is the flasher in love with Rapunzel again? and why is the hooker in love with him? what city are we win? what century? awww everyone's matching the scenery again.

oh no terrorist man is back. you have to say goodbye to rapunzel. do it quick. yes she knows you can hop skip and jump. you showed her remember? okay last jig. let her go already! okay now rapunzel. run. come on. yes what do you think the intense music is for? run rapunzel/paro run. run with your long skirt down the staircase. no! no don't cry. i said run. its whats his face. he came back to take you to neverland. bitch move! okay. thank you. yes yes her answer is yes fool! she's all dressed up and weeping in the middle of the damn bridge just like she said she would. of course she's coming with you. tight hug. cut to sad puppy dog face of flasher.

a film by sanjay leela bhansali.

Om Shanti Om

i LOVE this movie. LOVE IT! its crazy and colourful and so much fun. and filmy. crazy filmy. LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT.

dude that akshay kumar scene is brilliant!!

and i dont know how they did this but the subtitles for all the lyrics rhymed. i didn't notice this until my mum pointed it out. every song translated into english word for word just happend to rhyme. and deepika isnt a terrible actress! thank god. and the big star song. so much fun. kajol got the loudest cheer until salman khan showed up. the theater went crazy. and that shilpa shetty's body has got to be named one of the seven wonders of the world. it's ridiculous!

earlier today when i told mother we were gonna go watch a movie she was like "who's in it?" and i said shahrukh and deepika padukone and she goes "where have i seen her before?" which is when i normally say "oh that movie ma, remember the one you liked. with all the crying. you really liked her in it" and this usually works. i've realised if i want mother to go watch a movie with me it needs to star someone who has made her cry before. shahrukh helps too. she likes him. this time when she said "where have i seen her before?" i said "umm sports day?" cause deepika went to my school. and my college actually. i was her senior *gasp* only by a year but whatever. this is me bragging y'all that i went to the same school and college as someone famous but y'all already got that. right?

ooh and i loved the last part when the credits were rolling with all the spot boys and cameramen. and farah in the beginning and the end. and shabana azmi protesting whatever the hell she was protesting. and the fake sooraj bharjatiya. and kiron kher when she scares poor arjun rampal who is totally hot as the bad guy. you just have to pretend he doesn't have a mustache.

LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE!

a substitute diwali

if one is too tired to drive to the indian store one can always go to the store closest to one's house with an international food section. however one may have to substitute diyas with candles and the gajar ka halwa mix with a cadbury crunch. of course there's always the canned gulab jamuns but everyone knows those are gross. plus the cadbury crunch is made in india. one knows this because it was overpriced and in the indian section of the store.
also if one is unable to "burst crackers" a good option is to add some freshly washed [read wet] vegetables to a pot of hot oil. lots of sparkles. and flames and fun.

to celebrate this festive season i have a new crush. on this boy.

***

it's fall!!! we like fall. i can finally wear my sweaters. i love sweaters. who doesn't love sweaters? plus i can finally paint my nails deep red again without offending the fashion people.

***

in life's other troubles i recently ordered some cds online. yes because i still use cd technology. and they tried to deliver it and apparently it wouldn't fit in my mail box so instead they left me a post card. i hate that. now i have to go to the damn post office and god only knows where that is and attempt to collect it. but they might not have it at that time because the mailman might be out attempting to deliver it to my house again in which case he will be met at the door again by NO ONE. and this ridiculousness will continue three more times after which they will return the cds to the sender. also that hypothetical situation of me going to the post office is only that. it's hypothetical. because i work during postal hours damn it. doesn't everybody? this is so ridiculous. and why does one need a box for four cds anyway? why not just use a big envelope? something that will fit in people's mailboxes. even people's apartment mailboxes. now im thinking for future such situations i could always use the office address but i kinda hate my new job and i don't know how long ill stay with this company. plus i haven't seen anyone else receiving personal parcels at work. im sure its okay and all. its just that im the new girl. i have to behave and pretend to be all professional. so im thinking of using my neighbour's address. my contact lenses were delivered to her apartment by mistake and she delivered them promptly to my house. maybe ill just do that.

***

p.s if anyone is interested in a maine pyaar kiya trivia challenge type quiz thing then visit the comment section here. oh and i'm currently winning.

***

p.p.s is anyone interested in going to a diwali double release dhamaka event with me this weekend? one would have to dress shiny.

Results

Alright it is time to reveal the answers to the quiz. By the by you all sucked big time. Of course i appreciate those who took the time to take this lame quiz. To everyone else katti.

1. what former pet did i accidentally eat?

that would be my duck. i had made friends with it and then one day they cooked it. they being my family. apparently the whole point of bringing it home was to fatten it and eventually eat it but see no one had told me. it was my friend. sob.

2. what tv show do celebrities have to appear on in order for me to fall in love with them?

rendezvous with simi aunty. lets see, i fell in love with abhishek bachchan, ustad amjad ali khan's younger son, farhan akhtar....

3. where did i learn the gayatri mantra?

from watching kyunki saas. the sad part is i'm not kidding.

4. how many times have i been pulled over? bonus question [how many times has this lead to me getting a ticket?]

i've been pulled over only 4 times and gotten a ticket only twice. the truth is i am very very lucky to still have a driving permit. it's all about training your eye. a pro can spot a cop car miles away. a pro can make the chapstick, cellphone and cd carrier instantly disappear whilst slowing down a good twenty miles or so before the cop even notices said pro. however if you do get pulled over it is good to remain smiley and nod at appropriate moments. if the cop wants to tell you a story of his desi friend whose wonderful wedding he attended pretend to enjoy the story and giggle and clap. okay dont clap. but giggle. and nod. and smile.

5. name the only two things i can cook

karipatta chicken and pineapple souffle.

6. what do the creepy paintings in my house that occasionally switch places depict?

they're the before and after paintings of the afghan girl on the cover of national geographic magazine and last winter when i was living by myself i noticed that they would switch places with each other so naturally i was worried. wouldn't you be? oh also they like to stare.

7. a fake version of this product can be purchased in shivaji nagar under the name 'iski maaki'. what is the name of the original product?

yes yes it's issey miyake. anyone notice it smells exactly like mallige hoova? eighty bucks? you have got to be kidding! but oh look at the tall pointy bottle it comes in. must have.

8. name two people who have been guest writers on this blog.

soupie and gabby

9. pick the odd one out. and no row/column. give me a name.



that would be the one with the bloodshot eyes - the one, the only cinema taare ambarish avaru.

10. what was demanded in exchange for the boss' kidnapped stapler?

originally four, later changed to five bags of boulder potato chips. you can watch videos of how the stapler was tortured here.

11. is karen a boy or a girl or are we still undecided on this matter?

the correct answer to this would be - we are still undecided on this matter. although he is listed as a boy under the matrimonial section of usa weekly. usa of course being ullasnagar sindhi association.

12. what have i always wanted to name my gold fish? [clue: this is also partly the reason i've wanted a gold fish]

duh DISCO.

13. who said the following? "Ugh Pri, she is so weird. I mean i find it unbelievable that a girl her age has never been attracted to a guy. And it's not like she could be gay either. She doesn't have the imagination to be homosexual."

that would be a classic soupie quote. it was made in reference to this one girl she knew and disliked but had to hang out with.

14. name a member of the band 'just nim ulsoor lake'

the multi talented bahadur.

15. what is stalker shanmuga's real name?

rbr aka raobharathrao aka my former internet best friend/illegal music and movie downloading genius who has contributed muchly to this blog through gtalk conversations.

16. who said the following?

On Shilpa Shetty's dancing - "Why she is shaking only one side? She will dislocate her hip."

On Karan Johar: "Aah i like this boy a lot. See so neatly he's come off. I want to have coffee with him."

On Akshaye Khanna: "Who is that chapraasi fellow next to Anil Kapoor?"

meri ma! this is why i refuse to watch tv with her.

17. the only poem ever featured on this blog was a tribute to what chocolate?

nobody got this one right. except one dude. the correct answer would be TOBLERONE. does no one remember reading this? sniff. it was a serious tribute. it meant something.

18. what hilarious incident at the office led to the creation of this permanent notice?



B got part of her shirt stuck in the shredder and screamed and yelled because she thought it was going to swallow her. it was the funniest eight seconds of my life.

19. true of false. rohan kurien is a terrible kisser.

hmm this is a tough one. our only source is a friend of his ex who claims the ex told her that she had to teach him how to kiss. now this ex is someone we disliked when we were two. we went to the same preschool and i used to make fun of her and she had gone home and told mommy dearest who in turn taught her to say something mean back and so she did. unimaginative bitch!

20. what radio station does gay cousin who doesn't know he's gay yet listen to? what colour disco lights does he have in his car?

the jazz station and bright purple.

Special mentions:

Bikerdodanna for this observation: 9. Odd man out: Ambareesha, cos he's the only person who can run sideways down 28 flights of stairs. Thank you, that image has been stuck in my mind ever since.

Soupie: 9.Rebel IsTaar Ambreesh Row 1, Column 3 and Row3 column 3 the father of my unborn child.
She didn't mention said future child's name so i will - Yamraj Singh!

Ramsu: 9. Ajit Agarkar. Only one among the bunch who never, EVER knew how to play cricket. CORREKT i say! Why did you delete your comment?

Congratulations to 'the bride' who was the only person who got number 16 right. Soupie/Kb even you two got that one wrong. I cant blame u though. It's quite possible my dad could've said something like that.

Mr. Mandu also got this one right. But he got everything right. Ladies and gentleman i present to you the winner of this quiz - Mr. Mandu. Yay!!!

The second prize goes to kb! She promised free clothes and one does not want to piss off such a talented designer.

Lettuce kindly observe one nimit silence in memory of our dearly departed friend DISCO.

To help us grieve we now have the company of Disco 2 who looks exactly like the late disco. Only he's a different colour.

Thank You ,

The management.

Contest winners and quiz answers will be posted soon.