meet the new crazies

apparently i'm now approachable. and seem the listening kind.

when the fuck did that happen?

i have had to listen to the boring details of so many people's lives today it's not even funny. also i've noticed old women really seem to like me. this ninety year old woman today liked my blouse so much she insisted i give her directions to the store i bought it at. ninety! or something very close to Dada's second innings score.

***

we're doing secret santa at the office and i need to find something fun to get for this incredibly boring girl with a disturbingly deep voice, that's under twenty bucks. you know i think it's high time i introduced y'all to the office. the new office. i hated it at first. but it's gotten better. a lot better. especially since the old manager was transferred and this other bitch i couldn't stand left. the new manager is cool. very approachable. very smart. terrible dresser. i mean suits don't have to look like that! especially skirt suits.

then there's R who everyone thinks is incredibly hot. i am still undecided on this matter. mostly because i recently found out R has a child. and that makes him old, thereby eliminating his hotness.

then there's A who could also learn a thing or two about fashion. she loves her taper fit gray pants this one. also vpl's galore. but she's one of those people you can't not like. very helpful. apparently also one of those people who can't say no. like today for example she spent her entire lunch hour doing her daughter's homework assignment. the assignment was to come up with one animal for every letter in the english alphabet and then write ten things about it.

can you believe the things they make little children do?

i couldn't tell you ten things about disco if i tried. and he's my pet. in fact he's been my pet for the past seven lives. his. not mine.

then there's D who can be lots of fun but who says the most inappropriate things. all the time. and i normally enjoy inappropriate banter. just not when it involves such intimate details about someone's sex life. or bowel movements.

then there's K whose son i mistook for her daughter. this was back when i was new. i thought she would hate me forever. then i realised that wasn't possible. not with me anyway. K is pregnant. enough said.
no no i kid. she's actually quite hysterical. likes to tell everyone exactly what she's thinking. at the moment she's thinking it, making it very entertaining for me. is also very aware of my caffeine levels during the day. which is a good thing.

then there's M. clearly insane. obsessed for some reason with baby goats. and by obsessed i mean the boy will sing baby goat songs all day. baby goat songs that go like this "and a baby goat...and a baby goat.............and a baby goat...and a baby goat", will send email mentioning baby goats, even wrote down 'baby goat' on his secret santa wish list! allegedly engaged. to a girl. we think he might be bi curious. says fabulous a lot. always notices what shoes who's wearing. will complement said person on their shoes. will sing and dance on key. does his eyebrows. i told him i'd introduce him to gay cousin who doesn't know he's gay yet. but he just shook his head and said something about a baby goat.

then there's R who recently had a baby. you wouldn't believe it if you saw her. super skinny this one. what would make you believe it though are her boobs. ridiculously huge. apparently she's still breast feeding. she's told us. repeatedly. this is the same one with the scary voice. the tone of her voice never changes. ever. even when she laughs. its fascinating. also very creepy.

So there. the new office.

oh and by the way everyone thinks i'm very proper. whatever that means!