Nahinnnnnnnnnnnnn

My TV just broke my heart y'all. "MTV DESI will stop broadcasting on April 30th" it said. Just like that. No explanation given. I also just realised that April 30th is like right now. WTF? Where else am i supposed to watch my latesht filmy gaanas and 'One Tight Slap' and 'Lycra presents the 2004 MTV Style Awards' over and over again? And what about my favourite Wesi? [that would be a White Desi y'all]. There was this one time when he ran around the streets of New York or some other random city, with posters shouting "Ek Dum Free...Ek Dum Free". He tried to make a bunch of white people say it with him too. Some looked concerned and some fled screaming. I will miss you my Wesi...
And what about the MTV Roadies auditions? What if they visit Chandigarh next season? Or even better JALANDHAR? You cant do this to me MTV DESI. You cant!!!

*Sobs hysterically*

So its 1:53 am and i cant sleep. I woke up at a semi decent hour today [Semi decent for a Saturday] so i don't know why i cant sleep. I'm not even upset about anything. Well maybe I'm pissed that Australia won again. But i guessed that would happen. I mean i wanted them to lose but i knew they would win. So that's not it. In the meantime i went to the kitchen to look for a midnight snack. I found waffles and I'm chewing as i type. I don't think they're supposed to be chewy but oh well the syrup's good. I also spotted an unopened packet of Good Day biscuit. Remember those? They're delicious with chai. Proper Desi chai which i don't have time to make everyday. I blame it on these bloody Amreekan electric stoves. I like the ones with the pretty blue flame that you can control super easily. Maybe tomorrow sometime i will make some chai and dip my Good Day biscuit in it but then ill have to spoon out parts of the biscuit that would have melted and sunk to the bottom of my chai that will then taste all weird. So what are your Sunday plans?

My very own Sindhi friend

Karen talks about the rain:

Ahhh..i want this smell to be bottled...like in an after shave or something....it would be nice....i think....i hope... Would a guy smell nice if he smelt like rain? or is it just better in the mud?

Karen listens to me bitch about certain person:

karan: He sounds like a Hindi chooth
Pri: No Karen he's a south Indian boy
karan: Oho! it doesn't matter ... and then the QUOTE of the century...
"Anyone can be a Hindi chooth!"

Karen gets drunk and highly philosophical:

karan: Ahhh, I've been silly enuff for one night...done all the silly-ness i could...it killed my high u know...brought it down so badly...i hate it when people/things kill my high. You know it takes a lot of effort to get there and then they so easily kill it ...it's pissing off in a way rather, very pissing off... but today, I killed it myself, so drastically... it's unbelievable...

Karen talks about his love for cake:

karan: i got back from dinner a while back...was in the mood for a late night drive... but no company. Coming?

priya: wat phaar u r needing company?

karan: to eat cake.

priya: u r naat to be having CD players in your car aa?
mmmmmmmmmmmm
cake?
i want cake; chocolate mousse cake from Sweet Chariot

karan: yes, but it's always over
bastards!!!

priya: have u tried the chocolate mousse cake from SW?
it has cake and mousse!
mmmmmmmmmmmmmm

karan: it's ok.
Oreo cheese cake from Spiga is better
or bulls eye from Taj
aah..
or the rich chocolate from Fresco's
mmmm...
i think i should get married to that dame with the dessert shop in fresco's

priya: wtf is Fresco's?

karan: also, i will make her stop the carrot cake

priya: yes yes
we must do this

karan: who the fuck would want to eat carrot cake?

priya: carrot cake is the biggest insult to cake ever

karan: it's like vegetarian food.

priya: ya ya
wtf?

karan: yeah, wtf?
and she puts small carrots on top with cream... and some ugly green colour. [and then the quote that made me proud to be friends with Karen] ...
"What is the point of eating cake made with healthy stuff?"

Karen talks about Home Delivery:

karan: It's my new aim in life to try and get everything home delivered...like i got the guy to come home and fix the stereo in the car and change the seat covers and i made the dude from the showroom come home to take measurements for new suit.

priya: suit?
for the Sindhi wedding?

karan: Yeah. engagement
I get Chung's to home deliver ONE soup and they actually do, for 40 bucks but they still deliver for me.

priya: You know my Chung's story no?
So one day i was super hungry and greedy and i really wanted Chinese food from Chung's but i also wanted Marble Cake from Casa Picola and u know how
close they are, i mean same parking lot and all. But Casa's wont deliver. The BASTARDS! So anyway i asked the Chung's guy if he would mind picking up the dessert from Casa's and bringing it to me along with my order and that i would pay him. The choothling refused. So mean no?

Karen talks about his favourite streets in Bangalore:

karan: Yeah, Lavelle road and Church street
i like callin it Lav - lee road, like the Hindi chooths

priya: me too. heeeee Church st has such yummy restaurants
RR
mmmmmmmmm
Bheemas
mmmmmmmm

karan: Taika...where i got smashed

priya: is it new?

karan: and proclaimed my love for every person there

priya: it sounds like some Japanese hookah/hooker joint

karan: Taika is 3 years old

priya: like who?
who have u proclaimed love for?
TELL

karan: to Hari

priya: tell tell
eouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

karan: to Lavanya

priya: heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

karan: to Nayo
to Sandy
to Rahul
to unknown mozzie boy who helped carry me to valet.
And i fell on the road and they couldn't lift me so the bastards left me there and decided to bring the car and i was on the wet road for 20 min lying down and then they dragged me.

priya: heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

karan: and i had bruises on my stomach

priya: omg
heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
oh paapa

karan: and my arms hurt like mad

priya: heeeeeeeeeeee

karan: and they brought me home and the bitches took video and pics

priya: was your mother disappointed in your unsindhilike behaviour?

karan: she was not in town but i still got the lecture later on the phone.

Karen talks about his Male stalker:

Oh, and talking about stalkers - I have this weird dude (how much I hoped it was a dame) that sends me blank SMSes everyday since sometime now - sometimes 3/4 times a day - at first I thought it's one of those types of people that don't use the keypad lock on their phones and the first thing on the menu is "Write message" but then I figured I can't be the first name on the phone - my name starts with 'K' but then again I was confused if the person stored them in Last Name, First Name format - but then I figured no phone that has Last Name, First Name format actually has "Write Message" in the beginning - besides if he/she had the common sense to use Last Name, First Name format then he/she would probably know how to use keypad lock.

So anyway, I now believe that I have a stalker - and today I decided to blank call and see who it was. I called from the office number and some "yenu magga" types answered with a "hello, yaaru beku" annoying voice. Can't tell you how pissed off I was.

And no, you're not blogging this. [Oh but i am.]

Karen googles 'mundedu':

Oh, I Googled it. It means bastard - in some slang.

Kulla mundedu (Short bastard)
Dhadi mundedu (Fat bastard)
Hucha mundedu (crazy bastard)

Pri: Good work Karen.

Karen is confused about the day of the week:

All of yesterday I was under the impression that it was Friday and I've been really looking forward to the weekend. Was super excited about today (which I thought was Saturday) coz I thought I'd leave office early and I'd have a two and a half day weekend (Oh, Monday is holiday for Ugadi). I only realised it was fuckin' Friday after I reached the office. Can you imagine how pissed off I felt? Huh?

Karen's views on World Hunger/Starvation:

Haffy lenching. Tell me what you had. You always ignore this question of mine off late. Somehow I feel happy when I know people eat good food. It also makes me want. Like five minutes back I suddenly started starving. Hmmm....

Karan learns about Easter:

Eh, but he rose later no, so how did they know in advance that he'll rise to call it Good Friday? Or did they name it much later??


No offence to any Sindhis or Hindhi chooths.
RBR: This does not mean i'm in love with Karen.
Karen: RBR is not the 'gay guy i have a crush on' from previous posts.

WHY? WHY? WHY? [to be sung to the tune of NSYNC's 'bye bye bye']

So remember how my jobless friends made fake profiles for me on shaadi.com and some random Sri Lankan lovers Website? Well in spite of all my efforts to block/spam folder them one or two do sneak into my inbox and last night I got this:

Hi,

I am T****** I lives in Monterey Ca, (It's beautiful here)

Interested Wink me Back. Attach Photo

I will let you know lot about me if you write back.

T******a

Take care. (Send me a Picture) will come down there in my motocycle
Will even take you for a ride in the back.
Hey you should write to me back.

Bye.

So I forwarded the email with the attached photo of the man [muscles intact and all, posing in front of some scenic backdrop] to my friends.
I wrote:


WHY? WHY? WHY???????????

Soupie of course was overjoyed by the response to the fake profile and wrote:


har har har.. Stop it I'm gonna pee.
As you'd put it. Entha hotness!!! Send him a wink back no puleeeeeeeeeeeese.
He's the one; let me and the beebi do an interview with him.

Interview will be conducted as follows.

Q1. How much time are you willing to devote to TV viewing per annum?

Q2. What are your favourite TV shows?

Q3. We do understand you’re from Sri Lanka. First let me take this opportunity to say I forgive you, we forgive you. Where you were born is no fault of yours. We'll blame it on your parents, who chose to follow RAVANA.
To make up for this default/defect. Are you ....... willing to machine wash the Sri Lankan t-Shirt until it acquires a delicate shade of Sky blue?
You will also be putting ‘I hate’ in front of the words "Sri Lanka" thus proving allegiance to your adoptee country and hort beateress.

Q4. Our priya is a very sensitive girl. She like things kept in the open, secrets scare her. Surprises petrify her.
Keeping this in mind, will you thereby continue to show those muscles please? In our country mans are allowed to wear spaghetti (straps) backless, tube etc etc.
The idea being, we don't want the bride to be to be surprised or scared on the Hunima rathri that will be the "Suhaag ke Raath".

Q5.What is your kind name please???
Okie stop, I don't actually want to know. We will change it to Karthik/ Vishwas.

Q6. How good are you at the biology and what is your opinion on breast implants?
We ask this now keeping in mind our dear girl. See it's very common; she's allergic to childbirths and childrens. But I repeat she would like to have half a dozen (2 bowlers, 2 batsmen, 1 all-rounder and 1 wicket keeper) Will you nownewlynamed be willing to do breast feeding's, pregnancy as well as general up keepings of the childrens? Our girl will willingly use your bank account and be solely responsible with the coaching and dressing of our half-team.

Okie na?
appdi agreeda???
These we repeat are just the initial qualifiers. We are liking your profile and sceneries. If we are satisfied with your answers we will be post marking the beloved chaluve preeya and be posting to the required destinations.

Signed
Beebi Bagamane
Peepee Devadas
Co-Founders PreeYA'a Motrimonials.

Tagged

So I’ve been tagged by The Drama Queen and don’t tell anyone but it’s my first time [being tagged] and it makes me feel all special and part of the blog world. *Sniff*

So seven random facts:

1. I use 3 different soaps [this does not include hand soap] at a time, you know … for different um body parts. Also I use 4 towels at a time for the same reason. Is that weird? My family thinks so.

2. I drink my hot coffee through a straw. I can’t drink through that hole on the top without spilling on my shirt and if I take the lid off and use it like a cup it just gets cold faster and when you’re paying $5 for a cup of coffee it better last a while.

3. My current crush [a pretty big crush i might add] is on a gay boy I've never met.

4. You know that girl from 'Notes from the Underbelly' who i said totally reminded me of me? Yeah not so much anymore. I found out today that she's bisexual. By the by this same show [that i was obsessing over after the first episode] is now only a 30 minute show. It's like i watch a little and then it's ad time and then i watch a little more and then more ads and then final scene and THE END and then Lost is on. It's so tragic.
Wahat??? you said random facts.

5. Um i can say 'i love you' in a hundred different languages. [Fine i saw it on a list on Orkut and i still need to look it up to remember]. Also 'Ninna penda wee wee' is 'i love you' in Swahili. I've always thought that was funny.

6. I'm obsessed with smells. I have a super sensitive nose [which is not always a good thing.] I'm also really good with recognising what perfume people have on [mostly because i own like every perfume ever manufactured...except Elizabeth Taylor 'White Diamonds' which has got to be the worst smell someone's actually paid cash money for. Oh and i suck at guessing men's cologne [mostly because i think they all smell the same.]

7. I was born the year India won the World Cup. Coincidence? I think not!

Yayyyy i'm all done. I tag: I am the Walrus [um do u even blog or do u just leave comments?], durkhaima, The Bride, The Saint and Ashwin.

Time for a rant [or 3]

So there’s this bitch at work who [for like the first couple of weeks] I thought I might actually like. HoeEver it didn’t take too long for me and everyone else [we’re good with the peer pressure apparently] to start hating her. I try to not have conversations with her because honestly listening to her complain about her son’s day care people does not make for fascinating conversation. So anyway today I heard that she has been bitching about me to this other coworker [who happens to love me and will tell me everything] and one of the things she has “mentioned” is how I don’t follow the dress code very strictly*…and this coming from someone who dresses like a slutty secretary from the seventies. BITCH!!!!!

Moving on, I got to meet one of the big company bosses this morning. It was cool and all but his handshake was a little too grippy for me. I know how your handshake supposedly says a lot about you and if its weak then people will think you’re weak but come on…I’m a girl and now my hand hurts. Paah!

The boss [a different one] has been getting on my nerves a little more than usual lately. He likes to hover around me a lot which I don’t like because that is in direct conflict with you know blogging time. He’s been making me do a lot more work and we all know my opinion on work … IT SUCKS. So yeah I pretend to look real busy all the time and it’s working [sort of]. On a happier note I get to go to lunch soon. :)

* I think I dress just fine [AND it’s summer damn it AND I’m young!] AND our dress code is so nineties AND my good friend KB says “Jana change keltaare”, so there.

p.s. Word of the day: Floordrobe - A form of storage for clothing which requires no hangers, drawers, doors or effort. Simply drop on the floor and you have a floordrobe.
"We have a very stylish colonial-style his and hers walk-on floordrobe at home."

Have i told you how much i love Urban Dictionary???

Happy happy happy happy happy days are here again [refer song from phillum Om Jai Jagadish]

So I finally convinced Soupie to contribute [directly] to this blog. Put your hands together [or in this case above your shoulders] for our very first guest writer. It is technically her second piece though. Her first one of course was An Ode to the Flat Bouquet.


So we finally made the trip we'd been dreaming of since last summer. MB and I [Soupie] went into Southall. Now for those of you who have never heard of Southall, it's like a mini Delhi - full of Happy's [that's what we call Punjabi's] and Paki's [this isn't racist is it?] and other assorted species north of Karnataka. My dear Irish friend [MB] was very excited. She had been dreaming of samosas all of the previous night.

Who hooooooooooo bring on the Paapaji parade. I saw a happy in a car, blaring Hindi music/Punjabi rap wearing white shiny trousers with brown stripes teamed with an orange Lycra T with a black collar; turbaned head, skinny and arm full of hair. Ohhhhhh welcome jee welcome!

A jelebi seller on the road pointed out some popular restaurants to us. But of course we didn't need his advice... one look at me and "Aap Pakistan se hain na?" We did find a restaurant [Lahori Punjab] but the menu was inadequate for the two greedy souls. We ate like dinosaurs, ordered half the menu. It had been so long since i had said "Waiter one plate sheikh kebab, one plate paneer makhani". Ahhh I love ordering things in plates. Can you believe there was Ahem mugs and a bucket in the toilet? Walking around the area took me back to Commercial street's gallis. Mannequins cut out of cardboard draped in shiny material; happy's selling "latest bollywood hits", "10 panties for a £1"; happy aunties with their unhappy sons [gorgeous, I say gorgeous] carrying gigantic bags, dressed in tiiiiiiiiight kurta's; happy's in cars rolling down their tinted glasses to say "oy kudiye" [I insist this was all for the white minority I had tagging along with me] Bollywood dancing to different music on the streets, truck drivers ogling. Did I forget to mention we don't do this in India!

Post lunch we decided since we'd come so far we'd catch a Bollywood film. Southall Palace looks like a mini Gurudwara, bathed in pink and in-house happy's at the desk. Approvals from Irish friend for most Bollywood stars and insistence to watch the movie with "the Bride and Prejudice girl in it". [The same Irish also loves the shitty movie and enjoys singing along to "No life ..... without wife" among other things.] Paapaji saw us and suggested we see 'Provoked'. "Very
good fillum, especially for this London, go see, veeery good. Your friend will understand, Western issue. I asked the happy "umm is it like a happy film?" Paaji says "Arrey it's Western like fillum, just see."

So to kill time before the movie we decided to go for some Kingfisher. Only Southall is too much like India. The idiot made me ask some other Paapaji [owner of a fancy store] where the nearest pub was. He choked and was almost going to have a cardiac arrest when I asked him. We went into the nearest pub pointed out to us. Glassy Cheers boasted of fine tandoori and North Indian delicacies all day. We walk in and the whole pub turns toward us. Absolutely everyone in the fuckin place. We stood at the bar for 10 and this man comes up to us giggling "Actually maadum this pub, you know isn't open". Unknown to us we'd walked onto a film set. We then walked out with the whole cast laughing at us. The pub we did get into had people come and take turns staring at us. Umm apparently girls in Southall don't hang out in their local. Unless of course you want to be blacklisted on the Southall matrimonial columns.

Ohhh funny day. The theatre felt like we'd walked into someone's lounge. This lady walks in some 20 minutes into the movie. "MINNIE MINNIE, where are you? I cant see you." Another 20 minutes go by. "MINNIE MINNIE…." and some other random conversation. Oh and on her way out Minnie ki mummy stopped and spoke to her neighbours, friends, just you know the usual people you catch up with while you're at the bloody cinema. Grrrrr. Third time however was not so lucky, Minnie ki mummy shouts, Soupie: shhh, MB:shhh shhhhh, were trying to watch a film.. ,Minnie ki mummy: blah blah…. Soupie: Oh could you speak louder; I think we missed your last sentence!

Ahh but what a day. Unanimous Indo-Irish agreement. Nice boys, Punjabi/Paki I would. I tell you I sooooo would. And then we went back to our respective homes. Me back to my South East ghetto and MB back to the West, onion Baaji's and Jelebi's in our bags. Happy oh so happy! We'll do this again next April Haan JI!

Do forgive the Laziness...it's the weekend

My stickam player just gave me a mini heart attack with that sudden screeching sound it made. I apologise if it's done that to you before. I don't know how to prevent it. Bad bad stickam player! Is anyone else in love with the 'Follow you into the dark' song by Death Cab for Cutie? Its on my playlist [song number 2 as of now]. Tell me what you think so we can gush over it together.

Just some things you simply must check out today. Ross the intern's blog [Yeah the same guy from The Tonight Show]. He's on my favourite bloggers list. Do check him out. He's adorable. Also do read this. Falstaff, brilliant as usual. He did make me mad when he wrote that World Cup post but he's too brilliant a writer to ignore.

I'm super happy today because i just received a really pretty kurta from Fabindia. I love it. Thanks Sunnu. Also its Saturday afternoon - well technically evening i guess but considering what time i awoke its still afternoon. The thought that i will go to sleep tonight and wake up tomorrow and not have to go to work makes me very happy.

I realised today that i have all these drafts sitting around that i've been too lazy to look at again. They're all blog posts that I started to write at some point and never completed. Since I'm not excited enough to write about them again and i would hate to throw them away i decided I'm just going to post them here. Yes you heard that right. Unedited half written blog posts follow:

1) If u don't read urban dictionary first thing in the morning everyday u need to start. That and this blog. Today's word was 'disco nap' - sleeping when ya got something goin' later on that you need to get ready for. For example: "i was about to go to the club, but i needed a disco nap to feel refreshed."
This made me very happy because I've done it many times but didn't know there was a word for it. Also it has the word 'disco' in it and u all know I've been trying very hard to get someone to name their pet/child 'disco' but no one will listen.

More super cool words include:
'Girl crush' - feelings of admiration and adoration which a girl has for another girl, without wanting to shag said girl. a nonsexual attraction, usually based on veneration at some level. For example: "I have a girl crush on a girl from a band. she can sing, she's GORGEOUS, she's doing an awesome degree and she's intelligent. i want to BE her."

'I'm not gay seat' - A seat at a movie theater located directly between two homophobic straight males who are attending the film together. For example: "This theater wouldn't be so crowded if there weren't so many 'Im not gay seats' being taken! GAWD"

So see? It's fabulous. Do favourite it.

2) I have fascinating news today! According to my spam folder i won the lottery... again! I'm so lucky!!!
K this is my Orkut post. Supposedly every Desi blogger has to have one.
So i got on this thing a few months ago and I'm addicted. I'm still not sure how to pronounce it though. Orkut is just a very odd sound. No?
So you know how you can see who visits your profile? That's always the first thing i check when i log on. The creepy part is there's no way of finding out how much time that person spent checking your profile out. Depending on how many scraps you have and how stalkerish this person is it could've been hours. That's scary. Anyway say you're checking out the profile of the person who just 'visited' your profile how quickly do you dismiss them? Is there a particular system you use? Bad grammar, cheesy movie/music choice or is it their album or even better the captions that go with the album pictures?

3) Ive decided to start a new thingy on my blog where i will discuss random people I've met over the years who have provided much entertainment, humour, sadness, frustration, anger etc.. and generally made life much more interesting. I'm going to start with a man known as Sofa Pant. I'm not sure why i thought of him this morning but i just did. Anyway Sofa Pant was a lecturer in college and i cant for the life of me remember what subject he taught us. I know it was business related. If you are one of the lucky people who have had the privilege of meeting Sofa Pant feel free to add stuff you remember about him. His name was pretty easy to come up with since his pants looked like they were made from Sofa material. Big checks, medium checks and little checks in various dull sofa material colours. Sofa pant was absolutely hilarious to listen to. His English wasn't terrible but his usage was just all wrong. He was very tall and if i had to think of a celebrity he sort of resembled it would be Kramer from Seinfeld minus the strange hair. The cool thing about Sofa pant was that he was not afraid to smoke right outside campus. Every two hours he would be seen with his sutta near the construction site staring at the bricks and at his shoes. R claims the one thing she remembers about him was his underwear which she could see through his transparent pants. I could never make such observations because from where i sat i could barely see the blackboard and that was the way i liked it.

4) I read this a while back and left a super long comment which has either still to be approved or even worse been deleted. Anyway it was about one's favourite things. These [at that moment] were mine:

rain
drive through Starbucks
Georgia mud fudge blizzards [from DQ]
hand soap that looks liquid but comes out as foam
sleep
mornings [before you have to start getting work done...just that period between the first cup of coffee and checking emails and watching bits of news]
long drives [in my case on the way to work everyday] when things suddenly hit u [not like automobile type things just life type things]
music
hot showers
your best friends [the real ones and moments in the middle of conversations when u know they get u in a way no one else can/will]
doing things that make u realise u really do like yourself
pedicures and the feeling right after
bright yellow tulips
going to the theatre to watch a movie you've been dying to see forever
an unexpected comment on your blog
winning a close cricket match
new shoes/bags/clothes/pretty earrings
putting on one of your gazillion perfumes and remembering all sorts of people and places that go with it.

I have got to be the World's laziest blogger no? Swalpa adjust maadi till i think of something brilliant to write about.

B has been blogged... again!

So I walk into work this morning holding my ginormous cup of coffee ready to face another blah Thursday. I sign on to my computer and give everyone my fake morning smile when I realise something sounds different. I hear this annoying jingling noise and it’s coming from B’s office. I guess B went shopping last evening and one of items purchased was a noise making device which she calls “Look everyone, my new bangles!” This was also apparently a “I must have everything that’s baby pink” trip. I told her she looks like an overgrown 12 year old. She made faces at me and then proceeded to whine about the comment to everyone whilst twirling her hair. She also threatened to ‘bangle me’ if I wasn’t nice to her. I handed her some pink bubblegum [that I happened to be carrying] and my baby pink handbag [don’t judge me its cute] to hold for the picture I was about to take. B made her cutesy face while i clicked. I heard her say “I expect to be blogged” before she marched back to her box [also known as her cubicle] and so here it is. B has been blogged…again!

Unfortunately i will not be displaying the picture i took on this blog for fear of being bangled.I can however give you a visual image - lots of baby pink eye shadow and lipstick [which B claims is her natural lip colour], baby pink mini sweater worn over white shirt and dark grey pants and not to forget lots of steel bangles.

Happy Baby Suri's first b'day ya'll.

Since im too lazy to write a real blog post you will have to make do with a mundane but super entertaining conversation.


priya: i started a new poll on our community

bharath: yeah i know. i also know uve been deleting some topics.

priya: only the ones that said mean things about our cricketers. i also delete random topics random people start. the 'pliss click here to enlarge ure penis' type topics so technically im doing everyone a favour.

bharath: yes u are. i appreciate it. when i delete my orkut a/c. ill transfer the community to u

priya:awwwww... virtual hug for u

bharath: lol
i love bangalore when it rains

priya: huh?
why did u randomly say that?

bharath: bangalore looks all pretty and nice when it rains. it rained last night. till 3 am.

pri: oh ok and i know!
have u not seen my tribute to bangalore in the rain aptly titled "my bangalore in the rain" on my album page?
omg theyre going to show shilpa shetty next on some amreeka news channel.
so cool

bharath: u know something
ur different

priya: wat? wtf does that mean? it better be in a 'ure adorable and hilarious and not lame like everyone else i know' type way.

bharath: ur probably the only nri i know who has not put a photo of themself next to some monument in america on their orkut album.

pri: um maybe thats cause there are no fucking monuments where i live.
also i refuse to pose near monument type things. its either with my friends when we're all colour coordinated or no picture.

bharath: lol
i like the Angethi pics
i love that restaurant!

priya: and for the last time IM NOT A BLOODY NRI

bharath: umm u are

priya: i live here TEMPORARILY

bharath: not in india
so u are non resident indian

priya: IN TRANSIT
i love Angeti. period.
i love that road
and the one next to it
and the one next to the one next to it and tivoli across the street

bharath: umm

priya: i seriously love tivoli

bharath: yeah

priya: its so much more than just an eating/scoping place
actually it was never a scoping place

bharath: wats ur fave thindi in airlines

priya: dosa
maddur vada

bharath: masala or plain

priya: with dry chutney

bharath: yeahh
nice

priya: then kaaapi
followed by tea
heeeee

bharath: wat?

priya: if we were there long enough

bharath: both huh?

priya: not always

bharath: expensive isnt it
lil expensive?

priya: soupie used to tell me that the kaapi and tea would mix in my tummy and id get bedi.
heeeeeeeeee
i didnt
who cares?

bharath: bwahahahahahahah

priya: dads money

bharath: hehehe
mean !

priya: wat?

bharath: i didnt spend dads money at airlines at all

priya: k
cause food was free for u?

bharath: yup
heeeeeee

priya: thu
munde

bharath: munde>?
LOL

priya: wat does it mean?

bharath: it mean bastard. did u call karen that?.
coz once he called me at 3 am
to ask me the meaning

priya: heeeeeeeeeeee
oh god
why have u given him ure number?

bharath: ummm..
AGM
we met there no..
so we had to take each others numbers
to co ordinate
i think u have my number too

priya:to CO ORDINATE????????

bharath: yes

priya: bwaahahahaahahahaha

bharath: to meet in airlines
lol

priya: why would i have ure number?

bharath: coz all my mails have my number

priya: ohhh
ok
ill call u when im in the mood to CO ORDINATE
k?
which will be NEVER
k?

bharath: k
good enough
did u have a cell fone?.. hutch or airtel

priya: spice
duh!
we used to call it spice bakra
cause spice to spice sms was free
so soupie kb and me used to send each other group msgs free
like 100s or 1000s of msgs a day especially during the last world cup. kb especially would send us messages saying "did u guys just see zak bending?" heeeeeeee.
my fingers were tired at the end.

bharath: lol

priya: this was like 5 yrs ago though
our bhel puri man outside college had a cell phone before i did

bharath: LOL

priya: i was very impressed and slightly jealous.
i think that was wat convinced my dad to buy me one

bharath: did he give missed calls to customer care?

priya: that and also the "wat if i get lost daddy?" line
why would my bhel puri man call u?

bharath: call me?
why
betch!
im not in customer care

priya: OH OK
if u say so
u have the voice for it.

bharath: voice for it?

priya: um hmm.

bharath: do i sound like amitabh bacchan?

priya: um no
and dude if i called a 1 800 number and amitabh bachan picked up i would faint but then i would collect myself and ask to speak with his son

bharath: heeeeeeeeeeeee

priya: who i would proceed to yell at for proposing to that bimbette and manglik [ a word i didnt know existed a year ago] aishwarya rai.
u think this conversation is blog worthy?
its pretty damn hilarious

bharath: it is
lol

priya: mostly because of me
betch
BE FUNNY. Do it for the readers.
ugh
wat would u do without ure daily dose of pri's humour?

bharath: so... ur in lovvings/dovvings with lil bacchan?

priya: i have been.
ever since i watched him on 'rendezvous with simi aunty'

bharath: yes i wud tie mummys cotton sari and hang myself

priya: pronounced RON DEZZ VOOZZ

priya: also on another episode i fell in love wth aman ali and ayan ali bangash. not both just the younger one.

bharath: is ayan the yengster?

priya: this was befor they became the white chikaankari work kurta wearing pop stars.
ess. hes chooooooo cute

bharath: can u call him nin ayan?

priya: sure i can.

bharath: do u know wat that means
nin ayan?

priya: duh! i remember watching the show with the two brothers and their mum and dad. mums a classical dancer and dads of course the famous sarod player

bharath: u REMEMBER tv shows?

priya: duh!
the tv and me go way back
u have no idea!

bharath: OK..

priya: so anyway i watched the show and i wanted to desperately become the family bahu [ for a week] and i rememeber asking my friend if he thought i was 'cultured' cause that was a word they used a lot on that particular episode.
and my friend went "bwahahahahahaha. cultured? u? "

bharath: are u cultured?
u called me a munde!

priya: and i was like " um i can be cultured and after tomorrow i will be cultured" since we were planning to go out partying the next day/night.

bharath: a cultured person does not call another person MUNDE. im cultured or a munde?

priya: k
ure a cultured munde

bharath: lol! goobe.

priya: k
k story time

bharath: ok

priya: one day soupie and kb and me and other random friends we used to hang out with in college were walking somewhere
and one boy [porki types] tried to put line for soupie
and he was like "yene gubachi mari?"
and we laughed so much
i had tears in my eyes
kb almost peed her pants
soupie didnt think it was funny

bharath: gubbachi mari
bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah

priya: cause gubachis are so small

bharath: sparrow baby

priya: and gubachi mari bere!

bharath: lol

priya: and soupe is ginormous
i mean especially in front of indian men
shes like twice their height
so it was hilarious

bharath: umm
how tall is she?

priya: i dont know

bharath: 7 feet?

priya: 5'9ish i think.
heee
well in india its tall
cause most of the guys are like 5
also when she wears heels its scary

bharath: lol

priya: when she and kb walk side by side soupies arm rests comfortably on kbs shoulder
heeeeeeee

bharath: im not 5 feet tall.

priya: sure ure not
ahem

bharath: ahem?
u cant generalise laddat

priya: sure i can.
damn it i missed it.
the shilpa shetty thingy

bharath: she is hot isnt she?

priya: yeah
how did she become hot?
do u remember her from baazigar?

bharath: i know.. sudsuddelly
yeeaaah

priya: she looked like a malyali hooker in it.

priya: sudsuddenly!!!!!!!!
heeeeeeeeeee
i loww eet that word! i need to start using it again.

priya: her hair was like shaata hari.
sorry. hair. not hari.
now its gorgeous
how tell?

bharath: bwaahahahahahahahahahahaha

priya: how?

bharath: pantene pro v?

priya: i dont know

bharath: nirma shikakai powder

priya: maybe

bharath: ujala liquid black

priya: wtf is that?

bharath: i dont know

priya: ujala makes shampoo now?

bharath: i just made it up

priya: didnt they used to make whitening soap powder for clothes?

bharath: yeh hain naya ujala .. chaar boondo wala

priya: why can i not think of the bloody word?
detergent thats wat it is. and bleech?
bleach?
how does one spell bleech?

bharath: bleach

pri: k

bharath: ur spelling is horrible.

priya: it is not!
i can spell betch
and dosa
and hooker

bharath: lol

priya: wat other words does one really need to spell?

bharath: u can also spll munde

priya: i know!

bharath: and bastardbitch

priya: i can spell a kannada word in english!
heeeeee

bharath: all the important words

priya: 'bastard bitch' i learnt from east is east
have u seen that movie?

bharath: nice movie
om puri no?
wat was om puris wifes name in it?

priya: i dont know
but im laughing cause i know he miss pronounced it throughout the movie
it was some english name [i think]
like in monsoon wedding that maduve party arranger guy Dubey calls the aaya "aaliss"
her name was alice.

bharath: yesss

priya: i heart monsoon wdding

bharath: me too

priya: it was my favouritest movie ever. That and Daud.

bharath: nice movie
i like the song

priya: that rahul idiot with the broke arm was so hot.
and i loved the music too.
one of my friends thought dubey was hot

bharath: company

priya: D
not company. company had that eediot vivek oberoi who aishwarya why should've married

bharath: who cares?

priya: apparently everyone at ndtv

bharath: its gonna be a long day today

priya: that is all they show on the bloody channel

bharath: 9:30 and i finished my work
i think ill go sleep for a while

priya: that and when theyre talking abt THE LATE bob woolmer they show the dead body in this yellow packaging being pulled and put on the bus.
im so sick of seeing that image. ugh.
oh ok.
how do u sleep at work?

bharath: put head on table
put book on leg

priya: oh like sleeping in class.
why book on leg?
put book on table
and head on book
watch out for lines on ure face though.

bharath: heheheheheheh
yeah laddat

priya: i always had lines on my face caused by book/desk/hand/other friendly objects when i awoke after the lecture but before attendence.

bharath: once i slept off with news paper
the head lines was on my forehead

priya: omg!

bharath: it was so wierd

priya: ure such an exaggerating munde
dont lie

bharath: im serious

priya: that could not have happened
oho

bharath: wokay
ill sleep off now,

priya: k
ta

p.s Sanjaya was voted off Idol tonight. [i just heard about it on the Jimmy Kimmel show. I dont actually watch American Idol. Okay fine i'd watch it if the timings were good but there's so much competition on tv these days and i like to be fair so none of my channels feel left out.]
So anyway be nice to all the weepy twelve year old girls tomorrow okay? Also think for a moment of gay cousin who doesn't know he's gay yet. The poor soul must be devastated.

Goodnite! Virtual hug for you too!

People suck dude.

I have come to the conclusion that I'm not a people person. People are so bloody disappointing and boring and lame. My TV is so much better company. I now get annoyed when people try to talk to me. If you don't have something smart/sarcastic/hilarious/new/gossipy to say why are you talking to me? I'm sick of people complaining about their jobs and their families and their lives. I don't want to hear it. Get a blog or something jeez.

Irbuzz and Pri talk nonsense at unearthly hour.

I: still awake?

priya: ess

I: y?

priya: apparently I'm nocturnal
how does one go about spelling nocternal?

I: did u just learn this word today?

priya: um no
i also cant spell piece and niece

I: u just spelt it
:o

priya: i did?
cool
i wont remember the next time i need to spell it

I: i detect schizophrenia

priya: um OK
ure just being a bitch now aren't u?

I: do u believe u r married and have 3 kids?

priya: yes
his name is rahul bose
and the kids are akriti
pranati
and arshika
ahem

I: wasn't it naintara?

priya: we had twin boys but their grandfather killed them

I: naranjan
ayesha

priya: cause one was gay

I: lol

priya: and the other was attached to his spinal cord
omg yes
naintara
heeeeeeeee

I: u mean rahul's dad?

priya: yes

I: lol

priya: yes
mr subrato das bose

I: u jus watched 15 park ave?

priya: very nice man [other than the killer instinct part]
no no
heeeeee
i made up his name

I: lol

priya: ure the one who remembered naintara

I: coz i just watched it last nite

priya: really?
did u cry?
i bawled my eyes out
waheeda rehman did it
and then i was like wtf happened at the end
i wanted to know
i was very upset
i don't like movies that end like that
paah!
where u died?

I: nothin
konkana disappears

priya: k
hmmm

I: she supposedly finds 15th park ave

priya: sure she does.


p.s. I think i have Blogorrhea. I've posted like what half a dozen different posts today? Help!

Dont you simply love all the twists and turns? Now we just have to wait for the SUPPOSED climax.

So Sachin Tendulkar supposedly got real mad after Chappal supposedly questioned his attitude. Sachin then supposedly talked to some person at The Times Of India [supposedly a reputed newspaper ahem] and made all those angry statements and then everyone was overjoyed [including me] when we realised the man had finally grown some balls. A few days later Sachin supposedly claimed that he never said any of those things. This of course made people very upset because their favourite batsman/toothpaste model had gone back on his word. Navjot Singh Siddu used every Siddhuism he could think of to show his disappointment on my favourite cricket/fight show 'Turning Point'. This is also the same show that people call to see how many times they can say 'hello' live on National Television before the TV anchor or Siddhu yells at them. Next the BCCI was offended and sent a 'show cause' notice to Sachin and Yuvi [supposedly for inappropriate choice of girlfriend and overuse of makkan] which made me think that the people running the BCCI and the people who ran MCC [my old college in the Bengluru citysides] are one and the same. Now that i think about it Dr. Ramesh [of MCC] and Rajeev Shukla [BCCI mouthpiece] do look alike. Next we hear that Sachin and Yuvi [back in India after mini vacation with friend Bhajji in London sources close to me say] supposedly apologised to the BCCI. The next day NDTV reported that Sachin spoke with them and told them that he never apologised to anyone since he didn't have anything to apologise about since he never said anything in the first place. [supposedly] And just now the BCCI made this statement: "We are satisfied with the replies given by Sachin & Yuvraj. The matter is over now." How can the matter be over? There's obviously a Sachin imposter out there making all these statements and taking them back. Find him quick and ask if he can bat. Me thinks we could use him for the Bangladesh Tour. The thought of our team having to face those scary Bangladeshi pace bowlers on those hard bouncy tracks in Dhaka is simply too much for me to handle.

The proposal

When Bharath isn't busy getting drunk and stealing traffic cones from the roadside or stealing appointment books from random restaurants/clubs etc he keeps himself busy by proposing to women. But this time he has created a new record. He proposed to 3 different women using 4 different proposals in the span of fifteen minutes.

Bharath tries proposing to Pri:

allo miss
i want to be taking our phraandship to next level.. i want dateship..
wat say we go roaming on mg road? we will buy some nice nellikai and kallekai and munch on them while we roam birigade road..
then we will both be taking by-two tea in muniswamis. so romancing no?
i see butterflyies in my stomach when i think about this special times we spends in together..
please give me your google talk phone number.. ill give you missed calls.. i will show you how much i missed you..
you are spechaial
yours waiting
bharath

Bharath tries proposing to Kb:

dearest kb,
neevu namma volavina taare...
neenu eegane baare....
hum tum is duniya saare..
hai pyaare
yeng ide nanna poyum... ninagagi..
i am buddying poyut...
i understand yengster urge to drink beers and be jolly in park and all by why take drinks? i also take once in a while drinks.. then i go crazy.. but not always..
i too like mr ambareesh who runs sideways and his watta fantastic hairstyle... .i see lovves budding beteween us
seeking to hold ur hands and go roaming on avenue road
bharath

Bharath tries proposing to Soupie:

dear miss soupie,
hi myself pree's new basht phrand..
i want to take this opurtuntee to perpose my hendsomeself in marriage thans..
please be sure that u will be very vary happyships..
i will take u for picchar of tamil superstars and in summer eveinging i will be the taking u too ooty botanical gargens and ill be singing the romance songs for you.. then for u shy will be the coming..
p.s. free masala dosa at airlines included
yours expectingly..
bharath

Bharath tries proposing to Pri: [for the second time]

to the maami of the denver..
to the maami... please be accepting my humble appologies i have not writed you a desent perpojal.. you are the yapple of my eye.. i want you to be the best perposal of them all..
when i be hearing your raaga swaram.. its like daada hitting sixer in the chepauk stadium.... yuvi be damned!
its like kumble taking 10 wickets against australia in the wc finals...please be accepting my hand in marriage.. i promise you thet i will marry you on the pitch of eden park....
i shall invite all the 11 crickets stars of indian team to be present in wedding...
please dont be yaangry with me..
youvers defensively
yell barto

p.s bharath is also sometimes known as Stalker Shanmuga.

Good leetle Indian girls

Soupie and i are discussing the gorgeous new pictures Kb has sent us of herself. [Very modelesque!] We drool over the super long eyelashes. I comment on the flawless skin. We dissect the makeup, top and shoes.

Soupie: I told her to put it on orkut but she refuses.
Pri: Um did u see the cleavage? There's no way good leetle Kb would put that on public display.
Soupie: Howdalla!

A few hours later I'm talking to Kb:
Pri: Hi model/seductress!
Kb: Thu katthe!
Kb: Guess what I'm doing right now?
Pri: yene?
Kb: I'm photo shopping my cleavage.
Pri: Bwahahahaha. How does one do that?
Kb: It can be done.
2 minutes later i'm looking at new and improved photo [minus cleavage] now appropriate for parental viewing.

What would good leetle Indian girls do without technology???

Going back to Soupie and my earlier conversation. We practiced a fake future conversation between Soupie's dad and Soupie about her choice of project topic. The topic has to do with homosexuals and we both know her dad will ask lots of questions and probably try to persuade her to change the topic. She frets while i giggle and then i remember i have to tell her something very important.

Pri: OMG Soupa i almost forgot to tell u...You remember Adnan Sami right?
Soupie: Uh ya. Why? Did he die?
Pri: No no. He just lost like over a hundred pounds. I saw this interview on NDTV and he's looking all thin. I mean not thin thin but like 1/5th of his size.
Soupie: Shut up!
Pri: Really. Go search for a picture.
Soupie: K.

Soupie: Um Pri he still looks the same.
Pri: Huh? No no go search for new pictures

Soupie goes to google images and types in 'Adnan Sami'. Referring to first picture: OMG!!!!!!!! Wait this cant be him. Pri i actually think Adnan Sami is hot!!!
Pri: Huh?
Soupie: I dont think its him though. Is it?
Pri: No no. This is some other guy.
Soupie: Oh OK. I'm typing in 'Adnan Sami thin' under google images.

A minute later i hear her almost choking.

Pri: What happened? Did u find him?
Soupi: No no. But go to Google images and type in 'Adnan Sami thin' and look at the second picture.
Pri: OMG! WTF happened???

You know what to do if u want to see what we saw.

Oh and after some research i did find this picture. Who knew eh?

How people discover me, possible cat demise and hooker lady.

Conversation overheard earlier today -

Boy on his phone: I don't know what that last text was about but I didn't think it was funny. *CLICK*
Boy's friend: What happened dude?
Boy: Well she just sent me a text saying 'I'm sorry I accidentally ran over your cat' and now she won't pick up when I call her.
Boy's friend: Dude man what if she wasn't joking?
Boy [after considerable thought which I thought was funny]: Well um I guess we'd be over man.

And now for a fact you probably don't need to know but I insist you do -

Apparently if u google 'coorgi bitch' my blog is the first site it pulls up. Other key words that can help u find me if for some reason u haven't favourited me [we need to have a little talk about that] are 'aunties molesting young boys in bus', 'pedo', 'ambarish avaru' and my favourite one - 'ugh sindhis'.

And now for the part u were looking forward to the most -

This lady that dresses like a hooker [who's otherwise very sweet actually] told me she loved my shirt. Now I feel very self conscious and I want to go home and change.

Relating to bitchy television characters and feeling all important [not related in any which way]

"We’re sorry, but your Gmail account is currently experiencing errors. You won’t be able to log in while these errors last, but don’t worry, your account data and messages are safe. Our engineers are working to resolve this issue. Please try logging in to your account again in a few minutes."

WTF? How am i supposed to exist sanely without gmail? Sanely is a word right?

Okay i have got to tell you about this new show on TV. Its called 'Notes from the Underbelly' and it's absofuckinglutely hilarious. I officially love it and u all must must watch it. I had watched the trailer a couple of times and so i knew it was going to be fantabulous. Also everything i saw reminded me of S [ who just had a baby] and so i called her right before 9 to tell her to watch it. So i call and I'm like "What are you doing?" and she says "Oh i was just holding A [which would be the baby] in my arms and watching her sleep."

Who says that???

And i say "Oh my god you're so motherly" in my mean condescending voice and then i feel bad for her [cause the poor thing has no life] and so i say "But that's not a bad thing." Ahem. I think i heard her sigh at the other end. S if you're reading this 'I love you and you're a great mum and your baby is beautiful. No seriously, she is gorgeous. Thank goodness because i have seen a lot of hideous looking babies. Of course it doesn't help when their mothers dress them in ugly outfits made of velvet and frilly lace [who invented lace anyway?] and safari suits [yes I've seen little boy babies in safari suits, heck I've seen little boy babies in my family dressed in safari suits ... with gold chains] decorated with surma and black dots supposedly to remove nazar from evil jealous auntyjees with even more hideous looking babies.

Okay back to the show. There's this girl on it who is the main character's drinking buddy and who looks like a cross between Karen [not u Sindhi boy, Karen Karen from Will and Grace] and that smart lady from Saturday Night Live who made that 'Mean Girls' movie [you know from when Lindsey Lohan used to be pretty and not alcoholic]. Doesn't my knowledge of completely useless but fun television and movie trivia blow your mind? No? Yeah i don't care. Anyway this girl on the show is so me. Okay i don't wear sassy glasses [atleast not outside the house] and i don't sleep with married men [yet]. You can close your mouth. I'm not planning to. [Unless i just happen to meet Vvs after his wife just tragically died cause technically he wont be married then, just freshly widowered].] Back to the lady from the show. She says "I don't do hugs". That is so my line. Ask anyone. And when her pregnant friend asks her to feel the baby kicking she says she'll pass. Again so my line. I refused to touch S the whole time she was pregnant. So my point is that I felt a connection with this television character... like i have many times before. We have history you know...me and my TV. So I've come to the conclusion that I'm that friend - the drinking buddy, the 'pregnant women are so gross' girl, the one who might sleep with your husband after you die [if you're Mrs. Vvs Laxman] and the one you should keep your children far far away from.

In other unrelated news i met this lady the other day and her last name was ZING! yeah with the exclamation mark. She signs stuff life that too. And so me being me i had to ask why she had the exclamation mark and she said that she had changed her name a few years ago and decided to pick Zing! cause it sounded and looked fun. How cool is that? I wish i knew more people like that. Oh and i also saw some really cool advice at the back of my Starbucks cup [well it could be front or back i guess]. I was going to take a picture of it but i forgot and threw it away. Anyway it was by that guy who wrote 'The Alchemist' and it said something about choosing who you wanted to be in life and following your dream. It was totally inspirational and shit. I wish i could remember more. Maybe ill ask the semi cute guy at Starbucks tomorrow morning if he can find the same cup for me.

In more unrelated news i felt very important today. I had to make a stop at the Indian store to pick up some Karipatta and i hate going there on Thursdays cause every Desi who knows his fresh vegetables is there. So me being the brilliant me i call the store on my way there [cause i have them on speed dial...you know just in case i need to call and make enquiries about latest Hindi movie releases or God forbid my mother runs short of green chillies cause of course we cant use the ones at the supermarket cause they're jalapenos and were not Hispanic. So yeah i call and ask them to keep my karipatta aside so i can run in and pick it up without having to wait in line with the 400 other people and get home in time to watch funny new sitcom on TV. So i get there and of course there's this humongous line and every ones staring at the girl who didn't get in line. I felt very self conscious [partly because i was wearing bright purple. In my defense it was a gloomy day and i needed to spread some colour] and then Indian store man says "oh wait i got your CD." I had asked for it like some 4 months ago and was very excited to finally see it. It's 'Lage Raho Munnabhai' if u must know. i know you think the songs aren't great but seriously they are! All of them...super fun! And then he proceeds to tell me that my other Cd's are on their way and all the while i can feel more people glaring and so i thank him and run out to my car. So me getting preferential treatment at the store was my first 'feeling all important' story for the day. Story number two - A train stopped for me on my way home. K it was more like an engine with two boogies but whatever it stopped for me and then i crossed [very nervously] and then it started to move again. It was at one of those weird railway tracks with no gates or lights. It was a strange feeling though. Ive never had a train stop for me before. K I'm done for now. Good nite.

First attempt at Short stories [be kind]

Oh and they're each supposed to be individual short stories so try reading them like that.

For the cynical bitch that she was [always rolling her eyes at lovey dovey couples and making sarcastic comments when someone mentioned marriage or boyfriend trouble] she could be unbelievably mushy. It was on her favourite TV show that she heard the Senator tell Kitty he loved her and right then she realised nobody had ever said that to her and meant it. For a minute she felt sorta sad for herself and then she watched more TV and was happy again.

***

The best part of her day she realised was when she was alone. She felt guilty ignoring her friends but for once all she wanted to do was nothing.

***

She felt horrible when she heard the news. She felt worse when she realised that the first thought that had crossed her mind was what she should wear.

***

Inspired by Ammani she pulled out her laptop ready to write some simple yet brilliant short stories but she drew a blank. The best stories she realised came to her when there wasn't a pen in sight.

***

She was getting better at remembering to stop for pedestrians but some days when she was late for work and she spotted an elderly person in the corner of her eye she sped past pretending she hadn't seen them.

***

She felt sad when she heard about her co worker's husband but it didn't upset her as much as it would have if it were someone closer to her. She wondered if her co worker would hate her if she knew the truth.

***

She was dreading the day she would have to meet him and was more than a little disappointed when it didn't go as terribly as she'd imagined.

***

She had liked him forever but she knew the feeling would go away the moment he found out. He wondered if there was a possibilility she might also like him but was too afraid to ask for fear of offending her. They never found out and that was the way it was meant to be.
[55 word - i had to point it out since i took the trouble to count]

***

How NOT to spend the Holiday Weekend

Sunday morning was spent in Church [being that it was Easter and all]. Within the first half hour I was contemplating converting to Scientology. High pitched singing for 30 minutes straight with the intoxicating smell of Elizabeth Taylor White Diamonds [courtesy aunty dearest] in the air just isn’t how I envision spending my Sunday mornings. After that we went to lunch at this sad excuse for a Chinese restaurant. Look I took a picture of the ceiling for you. I felt like I was on the sets of the Rajkumar video “If you come today…….its too yerrrrlleeee…..”


The afternoon was spent napping [don’t you just love Sunday afternoon naps?] while gay cousin who doesn’t know he’s gay yet watched ‘Take the lead’ on random channel. I wondered if I should inform him that we did have LOGO but I didn’t want to insult his um masculinity. In the evening mother made us watch a Jesus video with Bharatanatyam dancers in it. [Don’t ask where she found it] The narrator in this um interesting video had a slightly orgasmic voice. I rolled my eyes at the preachy parts and snickered at inappropriate moments.

Monday was the day I was dreading. The original plan was to drive downtown to the science museum [to look at old stuff and watch an IMAX movie] and then to the city’s famous aquarium. Don’t laugh. There isn’t much else to do where I live. This idea was quickly dismissed by gay cousin who doesn’t know he’s gay yet: “We have the biggest aquarium and the biggest IMAX theatre in my city.” This made me very happy because honestly one more trip to that museum and I would’ve shot myself. We decided to drive to Estes Park instead which is this little town with lots of pretty views and overpriced gift shops and the one famous hotel where ‘The Shining’ was shot. I took a picture of this car. I still haven’t figured out what all the fuss is but everyone around was taking pictures and I wanted to seem interested.

Mother insisted I pose for pictures with the visitors near the fountain and near the tree and near the car and near the mountains. I looked around for a sign from God, just something to show me that he didn’t completely hate me. [Hey I did go to Easter service and all] and then I saw this.

Everything seemed to be going great for a while. I sipped on my coffee and helped mum help aunty do some touristy shopping when gay cousin who doesn’t know he’s gay yet decided to announce really loud to everyone that he was on the lookout for a teddy bear with Estes Park or Rocky Mountain National Park written on it. “For my collection” he said. I kid you not! This of course made me burn my tongue and I tried to look away casually while trying to stifle my laughter and tears while my mother nudged me [very obviously] and whispered [very loudly] to behave decently around the guests. I then proceeded to assure gay cousin who doesn’t know he’s gay yet [with the best acting performance I had put on all weekend] that I would keep my eyes open for the requested stuffed animal.

Mother then suggested we go to one of the shops where we could dress up in ancient costumes and take funny pictures. Gay cousin who doesn’t know he’s gay yet was very excited by this proposition and decided he wanted to dress up as a cowboy and as a native Indian. He was very convincing as the latter. Mother, aunty and random lady who decided to tag along for weekend trip each chose their outfits and tried over and over again to persuade me into being a good sport. I refused politely each time and sat down comfortably to watch the show [and make sarcastic comments …. all in my head of course.] Store lady [who deserves an entire blog post of her own] played director. She spoke very slowly and very softly. She informed everyone that she had been doing this for 12 years. She wanted us to decide [from the display on the wall] what type of pictures we all wanted and then inform her ONLY when EVERYONE was ready. Gay cousin who doesn’t know he’s gay yet in his eagerness to dress up forgot about this highly critical instruction and explained to her in great detail ‘the look’ he was wanting [a little before everyone else was ready.] Store lady after making a mental note of his look now assumed everyone else was ready. She then tapped her pen on the table impatiently taking deep breaths. Her “Has everyone decided yet?” was acknowledged by hmms and haaans making store lady more and more agitated. Random lady who decided to tag along for weekend trip sang “Where’s the potty tonight?” while she tried on various dresses and hats. The song has been stuck in her head since watching KANK a couple of days ago [requested at the Indian store by gay cousin who doesn’t know he’s gay yet.] She has been informed that it is PARTY and not POTTY and to her credit she has tried to sing it both ways but it sounds exactly the same. I was of course greatly amused by all this and wished one of my friends were around to watch the afternoon’s entertainment live with me while also helping me scrutinize the slutty costumes.

On the drive back home random lady who decided to tag along for weekend trip sang her new favourite song over and over again until finally I decided it would be best if I just put in the cd. I hoped this way at least her annoying voice would blend in with the singer’s voice. Unfortunately she now sang even louder and danced a little too and gay cousin who doesn’t know he’s gay yet snapped his fingers to the music and made strange neck movements [me thinks inspired by the Jesus video with Bharatanatyam dancing in it.] Random lady who decided to tag along for weekend trip pointed at random objects on the way and asked “What that be over Dey?” to which I answered “um pipe, pumpkin patch and mountain biker.” We stopped to take pictures of pretty lake. Nice?


And then we went home and ate lots of food. [Random lady who decided to tag along for weekend trip happens to cooks very well.] Then some friends came over [S claimed that she saw gay cousin who doesn’t know he’s gay yet checking out her husband] and we drank some wine and life was good again.

OVER

Soupie desperately wants a dog and Pri desperately wants to name something Fujitsu.

Soupie: Pri I really really want a dog. It’s all I think of. I already know what ill call him.

Pri: Ooh can we name him Disco or Fujitsu? Please?

Soupie: Um no but we will buy u a king prawn. (Which you will solemnly swear not to treat as potential food) and you can call him Disco.
We will also buy you a duck (since you so tragically lost one in your childhood) and he can be called Fikutsu.
My dogs name will be Gustopher.
I just thought of that horrible flying witch u bought when u decided to re-decorate your room. Hehee

Pri: No no not Fikutsu. Fujistsu .. u know like the Japanese brand. And what the hell kind of name is Gustopher?
Omg I had totally forgotten about my adorable flying witch. Did I ever show u the witch I got at McDonalds? I was trying to show it to u the other day and then u got all mad and started your lecture on why we shouldn’t give them business.

Soupie: it’s adorable. Officially Gustopher. But Gus really. I love him already.
He’s gonna be a golden lad or golden retriever. Were gonna be best friends. I know it.

Pri: Um okay. But remember my lifelong dream of having a goldfish in a bowl with a disco ball on top? Heeee I should so do that. No?

Oh by the by this is the free toy i got with my kids meal the other day. Isnt she adorable?

Watching 'The Namesake' with 'the visitors'

Mother weeps from beginning to end of movie. Feels the need to point out obvious scenes and dialogues to her sister sitting next to her. Mother is concerned and enquires loudly if the "so many foreigners" present are able to follow the movie.
Gay cousin who doesn't know he's gay yet laughs at appropriate moments [even at gay joke *gasp*]

After the movie:

Random friend lady who tagged along for weekend trip squeals at the sight of snow [supposedly her first sighting] and insists on her photo being taken next to the car while holding a ball of snow. More squealing follows when she discovers snow is in fact cold.
Random friend lady reacts to the movie : "Oh oh oh wattay byuuuuuuuuuuuutiful movie. I was want to show my daughter first but then suddenly they show off the naked scene and i was like oh no how i show my daughter now? She is only a 15 year old."
Gay cousin who doesn't know he's gay yet shows off knowledge of Mira Nair films. Makes comment about 'the sex scene' in all her movies.
Mother ponders again if the 'so many foreigners' present understood all the Indian jokes. "Nobody laughed when the American girlfriend called the boy's parents by their first names and when the nurse was struggling to fold the Saree."
Gay cousin who doesn't know he's gay yet thinks this is a good time to bitch about the movie going experience in Bangalore and how expensive multiplexes are getting.
Aunty tries to recollect the name of the "other Indian lady" who makes Indian-English movies. Someone thinks her name starts with D.
I offer 'Deepa Mehta'.
Aunty insists its Deepthi Naval. I don't argue.
Mother of course has to say everything that has to be said. "No no Deepthi Naval is an actress. She used to act with that short fellow always no. Remember?"
Gay cousin who doesn't know he's gay yet wants to make stop at liquor store to pick up wine.
Mother insists on telling everyone her liquor store story. "One day i was making cake and i wanted some rum for my cake. So i went to the liquor store but i was very embarrassed. Ive never been to a liquor store you know. So anyway i went in and there were two ladies at the counter so i was like Abbhaaaaaa thank god and i asked them off for the rum. I explained it was not for drinking purposes and only for cake. Then i came outside hoping nobody i knew saw me and mistook off why i was coming out of a liquor store but then suddenly"................... laughs uncontrollably for the next ten minutes unable to complete her story.
Gay cousin who doesn't know he's gay yet cant take the suspense anymore: "You come out and then? and then?"
I kindly inform everyone [very proud of myself for not laughing even though gay cousin has just said "come out"] that mother had walked out of the store and then slipped on a patch of ice.
Aunty makes joke about how people must've assumed mother was in fact a big drunkard. Mother who has barely gotten over her first laughing fit bursts into uncontrollable laughter all over again. Gay cousin who doesn't know he's gay yet giggles and holds tummy.

p.s. I loved the movie. It's shot beautifully. Tabu is brilliant and the music is brilliant. I'm so going to go see it again.

This post marks my first century. *Lifts bat and waves at crowd* [Three's a crowd right?]

Step on the accelerator betch!

You know how you can maybe guess a way you might die? No? Well I just thought of one. Road rage. I can be a bitch on the road. Especially If I’m late, which is always. I hate the m*****f***** who won’t let me overtake. Look @$$f*^k either slow down so I can get in front of you or hurry the fuck up so I can at least change lanes. Don’t just sit there and drive along side me. Ugh! And old man in the tiny car the slow lane would be to the right. Yes, the right. And don’t drive at 20 miles an hour on a 65mph road [which means you can do 70 without getting a ticket which means you should be doing 70 at least] and then glare at me when I almost knock you off the road. Ugh! And biker dude with lots of leather I expect you to at least to be doing 80 not 50 and what’s with the glaring at every signal eh? And what’s with the bloody signals anyway? At least in India I knew exactly how many seconds I had to wait. Am I just expected to make a rough estimate of how many seconds I have to locate and apply my lip-gloss? Ugh! And taxis. Wtf is wrong with you? Do you have to look exactly like cop cars? Okay I better stop with the ranting. I think I just saw my mother walk in with ‘the visitors’ which includes gay cousin who doesn’t know he’s gay yet. WTF are they doing at work?????? Oh god I knew I should’ve gotten two coffees this morning.

I NEED SOMETHING DRAMATIC TO HAPPEN

It’s been an uneventful day at work so far and I’m very bored. I went over to B’s box [it’s a cubicle but I like to call it her box] and wrote nonsense all over her business cards for a while. Just before that I painted my nails with ‘Me so happy with this colour’. Yes it’s a real name and I like to say it over and over again. Try it. Unfortunately I had put lotion on my hands right before I painted them and so they look really strange…like a mini oil painting or something.
I wish new girl was weird. But she’s normal and I haven’t found anything to hate about her yet. Boo hoo!
Gay cousin [who doesn’t know he’s gay yet] and aunty and maybe one other person are coming over tomorrow. I get to go pick em up from the airport at an unearthly hour. They’re going to stay over for 4 whole days and two half days. It will be very um interesting. So watch this space over the next few days for strange events and stranger conversations.
B just asked me if I wanted to run in a field of flowers with her. I’m worried she might be going crazy again. She’s also wearing black and white sun glasses and they match her black and white shirt. So see. It has to be true. Only a person going crazy would do that. Omg they’re playing ‘Right here waiting for you’ on the radio and people have started singing along. Help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
In other weird news this week [that I learned from the television which is where I learn most things] this one lady got really sick after she ate her dog’s contaminated food. She seemed normal otherwise. The scary part though is that she totally reminds me of someone I know. Omg I think the mafia just walked in and no this isn’t a Greg Chappal joke. These two men are very large and they’re dressed in black and have strong accents. I wonder if something dramatic will happen. Can you imagine if it does and Richard Marx is playing in the background?

Good Riddance!!!

He should never be allowed into India again. B*$t@^& *iT@#!!!

To celebrate this joyous occasion i will be proceeding to eat this ginormous cookie.



Only in the Amreeka will you find a cookie big enough to also be used as a dining table.

Apparently I'm now a professional photographer.

So i was enjoying my late Sunday morning slumber when i was rudely awakened by my mother.

ma: Get up ma fast fast
me:huh? who? huh?
ma: wake up wake up i have to leave in 5 minutes
me:so leave no!
ma: no no i have to give this film for printing but its not over yet.. take one photo of me fast fast
me: what? now?
ma: yes yes now.. here

so i take a picture of her whilst still in bed [she didn't realise i couldn't see a thing...no glasses/contacts on]

ma: now take full length photo. i want full saree to be seen
me: ugh. ok.. click click
ma: ok now one against white background [leans against the wall]
me: huh? why?
ma: i need no against white background for passport photo
me: um ma i think u have to get that done professionally
ma: wat? no need. they just take it on same camera and then they cut it in nice square shape. i can also do that no? oh wait i forgot to take off my earring. They want a picture with no earrings.
me: okay ma. its done. look your film has even started to rewind. can i go back to sleep now?
ma: aa aa ok ok. so lazy u r. useless girl.

The usual Gtalk banter

Kavya: Ooh Pri did u know that Soupie's analysis shows that Coorgi boy has a girl friend?

priya: heeeeeeee
her analysis???
she's such a stalker!

Kavya: ya
she's obsessed..

priya: the other day she was telling me how Coorgi boy's sister or aunt or someone just left the country...all this just from his orkut scrapbook!

Kavya: u know how she can be when she's in love............
now she also knows where he works and hangs out

priya: oh by the by can u believe how close her chances were of meeeting Yuvi?

Kavya: omg yessssssssssss

priya: imagine if B had invited Yuvi over also to eat the prawn curry with potatoes and chicken [wat the hell kind of curry is that by the by?] at his place...

Kavya: My theory is that think B "loves" soupie
and he purposely saw to it that she didnt meet Yuvi

priya: hmmmm....after the meal Yuvi and Soupa could've gone to the balcony and made Yamraj
while B did the dishes....

Kavya: ess de reason why i think B hasnt told her is cause he wants to follow tamil muvi style

priya: heeeeeeeeeeeee

Kavya: he's going to tell her he loves her and wants to marry her

priya: she knows where who hangs out and works?
Coorgi boy?

Kavya: and then he's gonna attempt to hold her hand

priya: is he in the london sides?

Kavya: ess

Kavya: Coorgi boy no2
ess ess
no1 is in ur side

priya: thu theyre so ugly

Kavya: i lik no1

priya: not like my boy paah!

Kavya: not no2
oki which one of urs??

priya: no no
from my list of cute boys on orkut
Appanna Chetranda

Kavya: but urs is not true love like hers....
heheheh

priya: sure it is!

Kavya: u dont stalk

priya: i do too!
Remember V?

Kavya: umm hehhehe ess ess

priya: and arjuna ranatunga or watever the fuk his name was
heeeeeeeee

Kavya: maybe ur not that in love

priya: i am too!

Kavya: oooooooooooooooooo now someone's angry

priya: i do what is called mulitiscoping

Kavya: heheh
and im de pedo
all de boys i see are considerably enger

priya: the pedo?
heeeeeeeeee
thuuuuuuuuuu
u know im so putting this on my blog

Kavya: wat to do....i like boyish charm
noooooooooooooo

priya: heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Kavya: Dont!!!!!!!!!

priya: now i totally am
esp after the boyish charm comment

Kavya: bitch dont spoil my reputation

priya: oho!
what reputation?

Kavya: ppl will stop introducing me to their younger brothers

priya: who reads my blog apart from u and soupie?

Kavya: hellloooooooooo
half de world does

priya: oho
i wish!

Kavya: atleast 1 person from each continent

priya: thats true
yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
thats 7 people
although i doubt people on/in Antartica have access to the internet

Kavya: ppl in antartica have better things to do pri... like catching whales

priya: um sure
whales?

Kavya: yeahhhhh
to eat them

priya: someones been watching their national geographic
or animal planet...

Kavya: who doesnt know that???
wait. r there ppl living in Antartica???

priya: i dont know
i hear its too cold.

Kavya: isnt it uninhabited???

priya: like in england
and colorado

Kavya: no no its supposed to be worse

priya: u live in singapore
u dont know!

Kavya: well i sometimes feel cold too

priya: oho! like where? in the air conditoned bus you take to get on the air conditioned train to go to the air conditioned mall?

Kavya: i can go to eski bar... where its below 0 degress


This is where Karen appears: Now i have two gtalk windows open and im very confused.


karan: So i was telling you about the picture of me on the horse
my parents thought it would be a cool idea

priya: yeah its amazing wat parents think will make for good pics no?
i have a pic of me on a mettalic horse
copper or something
in the hot sun
im yelling cause the bloody thing was so hot

karan: bwahahahahahhaa

priya: not funny

karan: were u the type who was scared of the KidsKemp cartoon characters dancing outside?

priya: and i was wearing shorts or something.
heeeeeeeeee
no no
but Soupie once slapped a santa outside one such shop

karan: or the kids who were scared of the coin horse and car in airlines?

priya: it tried to fondle her i think

karan: bwahahahaha
why?

priya: i cant remember too clearly

karan: holy shit. a santa?

priya: yeah
she is the fondeling sort though
i mean she is fondlable


At this point Kb thinks im ignoring her and she gets all mad


Kavya: Pri! Are u to be ignoring me? Who r u talking to? I need tatoo advice

priya: No no. go on

Kavya: i want to get a tattoo on my feet
a little one

priya: on ure feet? as in both feet?

Kavya: no no
just a small one below my little toe

priya: WAT??

priya: BELOW URE TOW?

Kavya: tell me wat to get
i want it not more than 1cm by 1cm

priya: an ant?
no. wats super tiny?
an amoeba?

Kavya: Huh? oki this is something i have to keep staring at for de rest of my life

priya: or u could just wear closed shoes...


Karen now announces it is going to lunch!

Karan: K, im going to lunch

priya: k, wats the menu?

karan: sindhi curry chawal with took

priya: heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
took?
now wtf would took be?

karan: tiki/alu tiki.
u like?
you've never had sindhi curry chawal?

priya: i lowwwwwwwwwwww aloo tiki
its the only chaat items i am lowwing

karani: it 's not the chaat alu tikki types.
little different

priya: k
Karen i love that ure so sindhi!

karan: and i hate the 'chaat items' phrase.

priya: tell me more abt ure sindhi life next time ok?

karan: i'm not so sindhi.
trust me.

priya: in fact u should totally write about ure sindhiness for my blog
pls pls pls
does your family own a honda city?
pls say yes

karan: yes.
bwahahaha

priya: heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
omg!

karan: but so does everyone else.

priya: perfect
do u have relatives in usa?
as in Ullasnagar Sindhi Assosication?

karan: but the sindhi-honda city relation is not like the maadu-reliance phone relation

priya: heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee


*KB would like me to add a disclaimer here that she is not in fact a pedo. There. You Happy?*