One day after work.

I was just getting ready to leave the office when I get an important email about Halloween. It has taken everyone about three weeks to come to a consensus and finally one day before the big event it has been decided that we will wear Halloween t-shirts to work. My first thought is goddamn it, now I can't go straight home. I absolutely hate having to make any stops between work and home. It just delays me from getting to my couch and my sicrit Internet and my tea.

Now i have no idea where one goes to get a halloween t-shirt. 'Duh Walmart!' I am told. I happen to hate going to Walmart. Every time I go there with someone I lose them. It is inevitable. They're looking for I don't know lamps and I'm looking at band aids and there's aisles of rubbish between us and I can't locate them when it's time to go home. Anyway I decide I will try Walgreens instead but no luck. I try CVS and they have about 8 aisles of Halloween candy but no t-shirts. I stock up on my almonds and leave.

Now I have a tough decision to make - do I risk going to Target which is inside the same mall where oh about 80% of my paycheck goes or do I go to Walmart? I decide I'll go to Walmart.

I walk in and first of all no greeters. I'm disappointed because hello that's part of the whole Walmart charm. If there's no 90 year old guiding me towards the right section I am for sure getting lost. Anyway I think i see a giant witch so I make my way towards her and sure enough it's the Halloween section, complete with little children running around and one lady on the phone insisting her ex must have the fortune hidden somewhere. "I know he got it somewhere and I'm gonna find it." I see some fugly purple t-shirts that say witch and famous. I also see some hideous bright orange shirts with pumpkin faces. The little kids' shirts aren't horrible but I'm adult sized so I keep looking until finally i see a grey t-shirt with a super cute owl on it. I grab it and run to the fitting room hoping it fits. There's a woman manning the fitting room (womanning?) and she wants to count my one t-shirt. "How many?" she yells. "Errr one." She hands me a number 1 sign to hang on my door and I proceed to try on the owl shirt. Now technically this shirt should never have fit me but I convinced myself it would and so it did. Don't ask how I managed that. Excited with my new t-shirt I imagine all the times I will wear this again. Never.

I decide since I am in Walmart I might as well see if they have any of that amazing pumpkin bread. My friend made some for me last year and it was amazing. After looking through rows of instant cakes and brownie mixes I decide to seek help. This friendly looking cross eyed guy is wandering about with a mop and a big smile. I describe the pumpkin bread and how it comes in a giant box with real pumpkin pulp and he's like "Have you tried our baked goods section?" I explain to him that I will be the one baking it. "I'm just looking for the mix" i say. Then he's like "Have you tried home living?" Now I'm no home living expert but I would think that's the section for carpets and sheets and garden gnomes. I thank him for his help and go to pay for my owl shirt. On the way I pass a row of ginger bread mix and sure enough right beside it is the Pillsbury pumpkin bread! Excited I head to checkout only to be met by 4 open counters, each with long lines of people. I get out my phone, scan through my twitter timeline, read some whatsapp messages and some fifteen minutes later it's my turn. My grand total is $8.92. I'm all say what?? and then I go skipping to my car which proceeds to honk at me but that's another story.