Pri's World

Saturday night.

2011-11-09T08:13:00.001-06:00

My friend sends me a Facebook invite to a desi baby contest and a fashion show.

"Please let's go to this. It will be terrible."

"You know I hate babies. Wait, there's going to be food right?"

"There will be food but I also hear there's a great Bengali place next door."

"Fine. What time?"

So we get to the damn thing but not before getting lost. We have GPS yet somehow miss a turn and travel atleast 4 miles in the wrong direction. I expect to see lots of bengali people but strangely everyone looks Gulti. I finally realise it's a Gulti function at a bengali temple and no wonder because the awkward guy on stage is definitely speaking telugu.

We find seats and settle in to watch some babies fight it out on stage but instead awkward man is motioning for couples to come forward. 'Aao samosa kaaye' is about to happen. 'Aao samosa kaaye' is exactly what you think it is except for the pronunciation of khaaye. Couples get on stage and try to feed each other samosas in a timely fashion or something. We roll our eyes and look around for familiar faces. My friend suggests checking out the food. We ask a guy what he's selling. "Palav, gobi, biryani-noodles."

We run away before he shows us a plate of biryani noodles.

Just as we're fleeing some type of singing competition begins. This poor little kid comes on stage to sing a medley of (mostly shreya goshal) Hindi songs, complete with her lyrics sheet and giant glasses. You want to feel sorry for her especially because she's way off key. As it gets worse we decide to go for a walk to the temple next door. The temple is beautiful and smells great and oh look a family taking a group photo with Ma Durga. Everytime the door opens we hear the terrible singing.

My friend decides to go ask awkward Gulti man who looks in charge when the fashion shown will start, or worse, if we've already missed it. He comes back giggling. "It will start at 8 and last 3 minutes, it seems."

"So we'll be late for the movie?"

"Fuck it. Let's just go."

We decide to go see his friends backstage first. Well he does. I was not walking into anyone's dressing room. We then get the hell out of there.

"Alright now can we eat some Bengali food?"

"Yes please. You know where this place is?"

"Err no."

We ask random people in the parking lot. No one knows. We try google. Nothing.

"Fine. Let's just go to Annam. It's really close."

"Oh great. Now I have to eat vegetarian oota?"

We get lost on the way but eventually find it and turns out they have an exciting menu featuring gobi manchuri, chapathi and appam. Also chicken!

I study the menu pointing to fifteen different things I want to try. Two different waiters keep walking up to us. We're confused and place orders with both of them. The food is great, well mostly the gobi.

Now stuffed, we have to drive across the city to watch a Bengali movie called gandu. Our problem is the movie is showing in the media center of rice university. We have no idea where the media center is and apparently no one else does. We drive around asking students. One girl gives us pretty detailed directions which I would have followed except my friend sees something and makes me reverse (on a one way street) which I do and take the unnecessary left turn after which we are really lost.

"Let's just park here and walk."

"Oho."

So we walk across campus. It is way past 8 o'clock.

"They're doing an introduction to the movie first so we won't miss much."

Thankfully I'm wearing my comfortable mojaris. Funfact: there's no left or right shoe in this pair. Either one can be worn on either foot. Earlier that evening I had demonstrated to my friend this exciting feature outside the temple. Also luckily it was 65 degrees that evening or I would've had to sit down on the pavement and call me a taxi.

We continue walking for miles singing mohabbat hain mirchi and other random songs until we find the damn media center. On the way we spot many stranded vehicles with blinkers on and no one inside. We wonder if this is a rice university makeout ritual.

When we finally locate the media center we notice tons of visitor parking all around. I am too tired to shove my friend to the floor so I keep walking. Once inside we realise there is just one entrance to the screening room and it is right past the screen. We're already more than thirty minutes late so we decide to walk in shamelesssly and find seats. I try to place my water in the cup holder but there isn't one being that this isn't an actual movie theater.

The movie itself is bizarre like you cannot imagine. It's in black and white and Bengali. It features a rapper named gandu and a sidekick named rickshaw who looks sort of like cut-piece nehra and who worships Bruce lee and practices slow motion kung fu. Lots of sex happens between a neighbour aunty with ridiculous cleavage and her mustachioed boyfriend who insists on keeping his sunglasses on the whole time. Gandu watches them. Gandu gets caught. Gandu thinks about killing himself. And then the credits roll and we're like oh thank god but turns out there's still twenty more minutes of serious porn. There's a rare penis sighting except this movie is too cool for just one flash of penis so we're shown close ups, every angle imaginable and lots of effort by gandu's lover who seems to enjoy meowing. Ten painful minutes later the lights come on and I'm surprised to see the room is filled with desis, none of whom will make eye contact with me.

We leave, sort of in shock, dreading the walk back to the car. No one remembers where we parked. I do remember the direction we came from. I point towards it but my genius friend suggests walking the other way. "It's like a circle. This way we'll get there faster."

Somehow we manage to leave the campus. We walk along the pavement. I fear for my life, happy to see the occasional jogger. Twenty minutes later we're back inside the campus but nowhere near the car. Another ten minutes and voila it's my car. I hug it and sit down to cry. Alright I'm being a little dramatic. I giggle hysterically.

We drive back home talking about how tired we are. My friend has to go pick up his car from my house, drive it to his house, change into clothes appropriate for a gay bar and then drive himself to the bar to hang out with his friends and the straight guy he's been crushing on, who's leaving the country the next day. So that's the plan.

"I will get us home in 15 minutes. There's no traffic at this hour."

Two seconds later we hit crazy traffic. 610 is a parking lot. "Take this exit. I know another easy way."

Magically we're now practically right by the gay bar my friend is supposed to go to. "Maybe we should just stop by and say hi."

"No. Maybe I should drop you off so you can be with your doww and I can leave. I will play mujhse juda hokar as I drive off."

I start to sing it. Then I realise I have it on my iPod. I play it for my friend who is begging me to stop.

We find shady parking by which I mean a guy moved his car, took 5 bucks from us and let us park in his spot in a small store parking lot.

I refuse to get out of the car. "I am not going to a gay bar wearing a salwar kameez. Are you crazy?"

"You look fine. People will think it's a sparkly tunic. And you're wearing jeans."

"No."

"Please. Just ten minutes. I promise."

"Right."

I have never been to a gay bar. This place is gay central in Houston. Every corner you turn a new cloud of perfume hits you.

"Everyone smells so good." I realise I'm sniffing strangers. Lots of well maintained eyebrows are being raised. It's what you get when you're wearing a salwar kameez and seem to enjoy sniffing people.

We meet my friend's friends. I meet tall bisexual guy who owns a boutique for drag queens (true story) and a super friendly bollywood dance teacher and some other incredibly shy guy. Then I spot straight guy who's all the way over there talking on the phone. We bid farewell to the happy desi threesome and walk towards straight guy who, turns out, has an adorable accent. We talk about a range of subjects - how 99% in statistics means nothing, whether or not it is sanitary for the people to be doing HIV testing at night time in the middle of the road, the straight guy's trip so far. The whole time my friend is staring adorably at straight guy who is staring adorably back at my friend. I'm confused. I decide it is best to leave them alone for their last evening (where nothing will happen) together. We come up with a plan. I assure everyone there is no way I'm going inside with them and leave.

My friend walks me to my car which is somehow still where I left it. I hand him a face towelette, deodorant and gum and advise him to get rid of the old man sweater. I then get home without getting lost and have the best 12 hour sleep ever.

Mommy, let's delay these people for no reason.

2011-10-14T22:05:00.001-05:00

Little kid at cvs earlier today - "Mommy, can mika have some jellybeans?"
"Mommy has to pay for it first hon."
Kid gets on his tippy toes to lay jelly beans on the counter and crosses his hands.
Collective awww at the checkout line.
Lady at the counter stops scanning stuff and starts asking Mika lame questions.
Mika: "I'm 3 and those are my jelly beans."
"Are you going to share them with anyone mika?"
"Um ..." long pause "okay."
Collective awwwww.
Meanwhile I'm trying my best not to yell let's go bitch.
Finally mika and mommy get moving.
"Bye mika. Be good now. Help mommy with the bags okay."
Lady only has one bag.
Meanwhile Mika has just dropped all the jelly beans on the floor.

Alright I just made up my dream ending to that story.

I attempt to watch Tree of life.

2011-08-02T23:04:00.001-05:00

I decided I would watch tree of life because I'm cool like that. I usually have a lot of patience with people in movies. I will sit through 2 hours of a guy talking to his table fan. But this movie was a test. And I failed.

Twenty minutes into it I'm a little confused about the depressing family but still intrigued. Then something weird happens. A screensaver comes on. That's right. One minute we're watching people and the next minute we're watching pretty pictures from outerspace. After this a volcano begins to erupt. For like 8 minutes we're just watching bright orange stuff spewing onto the screen. With opera music in the background. Really intense opera. Then they cut to a montage of life under the ocean featuring giant chunks of seaweed. At this point I'm thinking maybe somebody hit the wrong button in the control room. The Discovery channel is on for some reason. I continue to watch because I figure eventually someone will realise their mistake. The depressing family will reappear. More time goes by. The audience of 4 people is getting restless. It has now become a contest to see who among us will walk out first. Then they show a fucking baby dinosaur and that was my cue to walk out.

P.S. If you've watched the entire movie please let me know wtf happened. Many thanks.

Park Sheraton Zindabad.

2011-05-05T19:32:00.001-05:00

Luckily for me the missing suitcase was the one consisting entirely of gifts my mother had sent to everyone she knew in Bangalore city. My stuff was safe so I was able to shower (chennai water ugh but whatever) and change. Then I looked at my address book to call everyone I knew in chennai, which is like 3 people. Merapathi lakshmipathy (who did not answer), Ananda yenanda (who had just left the city the same morning, in fact we were at the airport at the same time and didn't know it) and the world famous Anantha. World famous Anantha answered and entertained me for a bit. Unfortunately he couldn't get out of the office until 6 pm by which time I would've already left for the airport so we decided to meet in a couple of weeks in Bangalore, where it's prettier. I called my worried father and nibbled on my really tiny piece of Christmas cake which was delivered to the room on a giant silver platter courtesy some leddis in wonderfully draped saris - "Merry Christmas ma'am, the lunch buffet has started." I heard lunch buffet and promptly went to look for my shoes.

I had wisely worn comfortable pants since this was going to be my first meal in India after 5 years. To say I was looking forward to it would be an understatement. I walked around the buffet table like I was at some art show, checking out the beautiful creations, reading the descriptions. I didn't want to miss anything so I took a sample of everything, except for the rice and sat down to wait for my naan. I know not to mix my roti and rice, my dad has taught me well. I am not making this up but my eyes actually welled up as I took my first few bites. You forget how amazing the quality of food in India is, you really do. In spite of refilling my plate 3 times I was disappointed in my appetite and then the chef or chief waiter or someone important looking came up and asked me if everything was okay. He may have seen me wiping away tears. I would've hugged him but there were other people in the room, plus i wasn't sure I'd be able to get off of my chair in a hurry. I sure was glad for the elevator. After I got back to my room I took the loveliest little nap before my phone alarm went off and it was time to head back to the airport. I was finally going home.

I'm on a roll here.

2011-04-27T00:26:00.001-05:00

Still to come -

Meeting almost blind man who likes to set up couples for marriage purposes.

ALL of the family.

Lots and lots of church.

Train parotta - the death inducing kind.

Touring malleshwaram with bikerdude.

Eating epic andhra meal.

Meeting c in crowded mall in filmi style.

Avoiding the marriage topic.

Shopping like there are no malls in America.

Dinner at cousin's house with very strange man and nieces with dance performance.

Airlines with kb.

Bangalore club massage.

Upendra pichaar.

Saar why you have brought me to wrong city?

2011-04-26T23:33:00.001-05:00

We were about 20 minutes away from Bangalore. I had eaten my 'Muslim meal' which I did not recall ordering but ate gladly since it was basically chicken curry, rice and rasmalai. This British man on my first flight offered to buy it from me if I didn't want it. I took one look at the meal he was about to eat and gasped in horror. Anyway that was 20 hours ago and now I was almost home. I wasn't sure what to feel.

I was about to get emotional when the pilot made an announcement. There was fog in Bangalore. Nobody took him very seriously. "Still it is early no, it'll clear soon" the knowledgeable uncles said. Ten minutes later we were told the fog was still pretty bad. Bad enough for them to take us to madras. Madras!

A couple of hours later we were still at the airport. We were asked to collect our baggage. I was able to locate only one bag and two kind men were helping me locate the other. Finally they said "inge ille ma, neenge anga poi complain pannange."

After filling out the required paper work I went outside expecting a bus to take us to our hotel. They had promised us we'd get to Bangalore later that evening on the same flight. Instead I found myself waiting with a group of people led by a man in a safari suit and a sign. He was sending us in taxis to the hotel. I was made to get in a taxi with a middle aged man and his bags. I sat in the back with some 6 suitcases that looked like they were about to collapse any minute. To make matters worse our driver was mad. I mean sure I hadn't driven in India in 5 years but Houston had plenty of rash drivers. This guy was on a whole other level though. He drove the entire way on the wrong side of the road. As soon as he saw a vehicle approach he would merge to the left. I was genuinely terrified. I distracted myself by looking out the windows at signs like 'Fitter, Tuner - 10th pass' and giant politicians in cooling glasses. The driver at this point had started complaining about safari suit man who had forgotten to give him a receipt. He said he would need it at the hotel so he could get paid. Co passenger started to reassure him in Hindi. Driver looked at him like he was crazy.

"Hindi nahin aata?"

"Tora Tora aata hain saar. Aana yeneke receipt kudukalanga."

I had to translate for the two. It wasn't pretty.

It took an hour to get to the hotel but once we got there I was very impressed. They checked under the car for bombs. They checked my bags, they gave me a serious pat down. It was way more serious than any airport pat down I had received.

The room was nice. I was very excited at the thought of taking a bath after 24 hours. I had also spotted my first hot tamizh boy in the lobby. I was generally in a much better mood.

Do not forget the giant toblerone.

2011-04-26T23:09:00.001-05:00

My flight did not get cancelled. It was on time. I did not get stuck in heathrow, in fact I barely had time to get from one gate to the next. When I got to my gate boarding had started but there was a line, long enough i decided for me to run across to the duty free shop and pick up all the giant toblerone that would fit in my arms. When I got back the line was still there so i decided now would be a good time to pack the chocolate in my pull along.

It wouldn't close.

I sat on the floor repacking the damn thing while the line in the front of me moved away. Then this man walks up and I'm thinking yay someone's here to help me zip my bag up. He goes "err, are you in the line?" I sigh and tell him he can get ahead of me. Ten minutes later I have my suitcase zipped and I stand up to do a cheer. Silly man then applauds my effort and turns back around.

I really don't want to spend christmas in heathrow.

2011-04-13T12:08:00.001-05:00

So my tickets were booked, my passport had finally been renewed and I was excited to go home after 5 years. The problem was I was flying British Airways and heathrow freaks out if it gets more than a couple of inches of snow. The weekend before I was scheduled to fly out heathrow declared itself closed. CNN showed video of people stuck at the airport, sleeping on the floors, running out of food. They interviewed someone who had waited in line for an hour only to find out they were all out of muffins. I pictured myself being there, spending christmas with angry strangers, all of us upset at the lack of muffins.

To be continued.

Test

2011-04-12T21:58:00.001-05:00

I'd like to blame two things for my lack of blogging. One is twitter. It's easy, it's instant and then since I've talked about something the minute it's happened I don't feel the need to go back and talk about it more in detail.

Then there's my iPhone which I love and my laptop which died, which I haven't really missed. Tweeting from my phone is awesome and I hadn't really thought about blogging from my phone but I figured why the hell not? I have stories to tell, mostly from my India trip and since there's so many I'm going to just do short ones. Many short posts is the goal. Wish my luck.

P.S. We're World Champions. WHAT??!

when i could have been napping.

2010-04-06T19:00:00.007-05:00

i was enjoying a perfectly relaxing afternoon on my couch when mother decided we both needed pedicures. this meant i had to be her chauffeur which i hate because she likes to pretend she's my personal GPS and she blocks my view of traffic. also there's the trampling of my cds and the complaining that the car is too dirty. mother's car is always impeccable.

once we got to the place she took forever to pick out a colour. i was already seated at this point and trying to find a place for all my possessions namely my book, keys, water and sunglasses. i had decided my bag was too heavy to carry. i'm stupid like that. mother finally made her way to her seat with the only colour she ever picks - maroonish red or as i like to call it aunty colour.

i told her that instead of wasting ten minutes she should have just let me pick the colour since i already knew what it was going to be because it's always the exact same shade of maroon.

her response was to gasp at my pink. "it's too pink. also dark colours last longer." what?

i settled into my chair and started reading my book which was no easy task because mother didn't think to bring a book. magazines aren't really her thing which meant she was about to start talking any second now. and since it didn't look like anyone else in the room spoke english i prepared to have her talk to me for the next 40 minutes odd minutes, which was why, i was a little shocked when she began talking in vietnamese. mother lived in vietnam for a few years as a teenager and she's very proud of the fact that she can still speak a couple of broken sentences. the girls stared at her for a second before they realized she was attempting to converse with them in their language. once they kind of understood what she was saying they got really excited. and loud. they even got their friend who up until that point was perfectly happy falling asleep against the wall, to join them. they seemed curious to learn where this lady had picked up such refined vietnamese.

"your dotah speak too?"

"no my daughter useless."

wtf?

at that point mother noticed that my chair was not vibrating.

"is your massage not working?"

"i don't know ma."

"put it on!" she reached over to grab the remote.

i hate massage chairs. you have a choice between rolling, kneading and pulse. the latter just hurts my back so i went with the rolling even though it felt like two hands pushing me out of the chair. i was scared i would fall right out and into the water. plus i think it's wise that my foot remain steady when there's a lady attacking my cuticles with sharp objects. mother doesn't believe in not using something that's free. if it comes with the pedicure why wouldn't you use it? she declared that she wanted a massage chair for her birthday. i wondered if it was too late to move to another chair before she started asking for prices. mother loves to buy things that are not for sale. and she'll bargain with you too. just then the door opened and a giant man walked in. he wanted a manicure. nothing wrong with that except mother was staring, mouth covered. i felt bad for the girl who had to help him because he had incredibly hairy hands.

now that their spare friend was occupied the girls got back to work and mother was bored again. she yawned in the hopes that she'd be offered some tea. that sort of thing only works in india. mother having realized that turned to me.

"remember when you were small and you used to come with me to nefertiti?"

everyone turned to look at mother. this was her cue to start the story. "she was really young you know, like 7 or 8 and she would come with me to get her nails done. and while i would get a facial she would sit with the girls and ask them to french braid her hair. she used to have really nice hair. long and straight." she shook her head in remembrance of what used to be my hair. everyone including hairy man turned to examine my hair. i wanted to go hide in the back room. luckily for me two more ladies walked in and mother didn't have everybody's attention anymore. i decided my nails were dry enough and started putting on my sandals in record speed. mother clearly wasn't ready to leave yet and reluctantly got out of her massage chair. her three new friends waved goodbye. she promised to come back soon and learn more vietnamese. i yelled xin chao as i ran to my car before she invited them over for a meal.

LOVE!

2010-03-23T22:35:00.001-05:00

I also really like the voice-over in all three ads. This one kind of sounds like Kumble.

LOVE.

2010-03-23T22:33:00.001-05:00

LOVE.

2010-03-23T22:32:00.001-05:00

disco be stalking me at work y'all.

2010-03-14T14:13:00.003-05:00

i was about to wipe this off thinking it was just moisture from my coffee lid but omg it's disco! awwwwwwwwww!

sigh.

2010-02-23T18:02:00.002-06:00

Hi noopy. I can't believe it's been a whole year since i fell madly in love with you. And here you are again wandering about some street in a sweater [awwww] and really nice jeans but why your hair gotta be so crazy? maybe like wander into a super cuts one day. it's like ten bucks or free even for you. m'kay?

i hear you're coming out with an ep next month which is great and all but will it fit in my car? is this like a cd? if not why can't you just come out with a regular cd? also i hear you will be using sitar and whatnot for an indian vibe even though you say your soul is r&b. right so ask a few desi people to listen to it before you put it out okay cause that combination could work or turn out to be incredibly cheesy and you're better than that.

hugs,

pri.

p.s. girls wouldn't it be awesome if there were a real website called boysinsweaters.com which featured pictures of boys looking spectacular in their sweaters? girls everywhere would be able to upload pics of random boys they meet [with their permission of course] and there could be a poll where you could choose your favourite boy in a sweater for that day. and maybe it would start a trend and more boys would wear sweaters and the world would be one step closer to being perfect.

2010-01-16T22:00:00.002-06:00

there was this blog i used to read years ago. like say 2005? 2006? i don't remember how i had found it but it was really funny. it was about this boy who lived in the us. he was studying i think and he couldn't cook but he'd try and there was this accident, i want to say with a pressure cooker? and he had roomates. i wish i could remember more. this was back in the day. i knew like 4 blogs. em, filter kaapi, lazy geek and tea kadai. does this sound familiar to anyone? help me find this blog. i dont know why but it's suddenly become very important. kthnxbai.

lots of exciting things have happened since i last blogged.

2010-01-12T21:30:00.003-06:00

i now take vitamins. like every day.

after half a dozen people, no one else at the office has gotten pregnant thank god! this is the best thing that could have happened because seriously i thought we were jinxed.

i have managed to alienate more family members. yay for me!

i have gotten over my obsession with fiesta brand oven roasted cornflakes and now i eat things that are not cornflakes along with things that are.

gay cousin who doesn't know he's gay yet came out. i know! not to me yet though. i'm supposed to pretend i don't know. he came out to my other cousin who was visiting. he just randomly told her on the way back from the airport and she was like what?? apparently he's known for 5 years which is odd because i've known for at least 8. i'm so happy for him though and this means i officially have a gay person in the family which is very exciting.

also american idol is back! yay. also back are the manipulative back stories. just in the first episode they showed us hallelujah girl with the 4 brothers with down syndrome, girl whose favourite grandma has alzheimer's, boy who had cancer and boy who broke both his arms when he fell out of a tree. now for me, hands down, boy who fell out of tree won that round. he had really bad teeth though but i forgave him because i imagine it must be really hard for him to hold a toothbrush. plus he got points for still smiling a lot, and he could sing!

my favourite simon comment from episode 1 - "you sing like a 3 year old girl and you're dressed like latoya jackson with a beard." all true.

happy 2010 everyone. stay happy this year. drink lots of orange juice and bounce a lot.

p.s. the spam comments have gotten ridiculous lately! i think i might have to get word verification. ugh! i know. and i realize sometimes they can be tricky but you can always say pass or something and you get up to five tries i think so you'll be okay. i'm confidant in your abilities to read and understand gibberish.

My favourite performance of the entire season on SYTYCD.

2009-12-17T20:50:00.001-06:00

Ellenore should have won! sniff. But Russell was incredible too. How awesome is this song?

2009-11-14T00:57:00.002-06:00

okay first off i'm devastated that the comment i thought was genuine and sweet was in fact just spam. sniff. my hort is broken. moving along to fashion at celebrity funerals. i don't get why no one covers them. it's the perfect place to check out fully covered celebrities, usually in pretty chikankari kurtas, without make up or pretending to be without makeup. so much fun! imagine waking up one morning only to realize someone famous has died. famous enough that all of bollywood will have to show up. of course you're going to care about how you look. it's tricky here though because you dont want it to seem like you made an effort. you don't want to be judged even though you'll be judging every one else. the safest bet is to put on your simplest whitest kurta and show up with no eye make up. it needs to look like you were up all night crying. i was looking at some pictures from a recent celebrity funeral because what else is there to do? and some of these people look incredibly happy to be at this thing which is quite sad. it must be hard for a celebrity to convince everyone they're genuinely distraught especially if the ceremony lasts a couple of hours. i imagine it must be hard not to be able to crack a smile, especially if you spot like hattrick roshan coming around the corner. of course you're going to be all hey look it's hattrick. he still got his early man face on. smile. oops camera caught that.

anyway here's my commentary from going through the entire freaking slide show. yes i need a hobby. the very first picture is of this lady in a really tight white shirt carrying an electric blue channel purse. it's electric blue. it's going to jump out at you. also she is wearing pants to are way too short but who cares? she's not really famous. i'm assuming she's married to someone who is. priyanka chopra is dressed appropriately attire wise but she went overboard with the jewelery. too many rings, giant watch, big ass hair clip. also she cheated and wore make up. aishwarya rai was smart enough to wear shapeless pants with her white kurta giving the impression too much time wasn't wasted planning her outfit. there's way too many people wearing chic looking churidaar pants with their not starchy enough kurtas. gayatri what's her face from the ponds ads and swades matched her bag and shoes. like exact matched. that's never good. although she might be wearing my favourite kurta. some unrecognizable aunty is in a transparent saree [with a semi transparent blouse] that's draped super inappropriately. in the background there's this startled looking driver guy staring at her. it's the funniest thing. you guys have to see. go to filmi cafe.

zayed khan's mum and sis are wearing black and white respectively. one with parallel pants and one with lace trim pajamas. heh. they're such an unfortunate looking family. i'm spotting way too many birkins at this thing! some lady is texting with two phones whilst carrying a ginormous louis vuitton bag. malaika arora khan has great skin. flawless. her husband has a mustache. such is the world. he is also texting. ooh tabu's not wearing white. how brave. it's beige. still appropriate. she is holding some weird looking man's hand. please let it not be her boyfriend. she is way too beautiful to be dating him. i love that she has a big giant hair band on her wrist. neetu singh and some lady are clearly gossiping. one is whispering in the others ear while clearly smirking. neetu singh didn't bother wearing her white kurta. she has on a white shirt and is also carrying a more understated channel purse by which i mean it's not bursting with colour.

awwwwwww it's juhi. she's still so pretty. she's holding rinki khanna's hand. juhi used to be my favourite actress growing up. anyone who was a madhuri fan i hated back then. i love madhuri now. ha ha there's groups of random people that have gathered in the street to spot celebrities. snakeskin purse! and what the what? it looks like priyanka chopra's kurta might not be white after all. it's a really light mauve. that is so not allowed. ha! sunny deol wore a shirt that is the exact same blue as his jeans. awww more kind juhi. she almost makes me want to be a good person. farah khan managed to find a white version of the hideous shapeless kurtas she's been wearing everywhere recently. this one has ugly pink flowers on it and she's wearing it with tent shaped black pants. ha ha there's an incredibly short man in formal clothing carrying a back pack and wearing floaters. he has a pen in his pocket i'm assuming for autographs that he can later sell. oh wait, here's the man that was with tabu. now he's holding an extremely overdressed kiron kher's hand. i'm guessing he's just the hand holder/escorter type person. good for him. ooh ghastly looking old lady wearing a diamond necklace with a super shiny dupatta! awwwww it's juhi again. she's so shiny and happy i want to hug her. oh wow. the end.

2009-11-12T23:45:00.002-06:00

someone left me this comment earlier today. it was for this post written ages ago about what food to eat when you visit bangalore. it just made me laugh so much. thanks anon. i'm glad you googled google or whatever it was you did and found me. everyone else hi and don't be mad. no one blogs anymore!

Anonymous said...: I found this site using [url=http://google.com]google.com[/url] And i want to thank you for your work. You have done really very good site. Great work, great site! Thank you!

Sorry for offtopic; 5:21 PM

'i am a disco dancer' on so you think you can dance.

2009-09-17T23:32:00.001-05:00

this made my evening. it's disco freaking dandiya! loony desi boy part starts at 3:20.

iktara has been playing in my car for a week now.

2009-09-13T14:15:00.001-05:00

that and 'kya karoon'. this movie better be good!

i'm realizing more and more what a loner i've become.

2009-08-26T20:33:00.006-05:00

i went to vegas recently with a group of friends and yet the happiest moments from the trip were the ones i spent by myself. right before midnight on my birthday i had a dessert craving. the room service menu wasn't exciting enough for me so i called the crepe place at the hotel and the fools had just closed. there was one restaurant at the hotel that was open 24 hours so i got out of my pajamas and walked downstairs. i was on the phone the whole time with one of my best friends so maybe it doesn't really count as a moment by myself. it was around 11:55 when i got there and it turned out there was a long ass line to the place. i asked the hostess for takeaway and sat down at the fake park bench under the fake sky inside fake paris and waited for my tiramisu. when i got off the phone and looked at the time it was midnight and at that moment i was genuinely happy. i was beaming actually. the people in line must have thought i was drunk.

this is what my surroundings looked like. this picture will always make me happy.

if i had to list my other favourite moments from the trip it would be drinking wine in the hotel room out of my new leak proof super cool metallic water bottle [they were taking forever to bring up glasses to the room] getting the most awesome swedish message and watching the water/light show from the top of the fake eiffel tower. for two out of these three things i was by myself. see what i mean? i don't enjoy other people's company anymore! or do i just not know enough awesome people? this is not good.

also may i please suggest everyone check out this website if they haven't already.

p.s. it's weird. i write this post and a couple of hours later i read chamko rani.

conversations with old people.

2009-08-20T15:20:00.004-05:00

I just ended the longest conversation i have ever had with another human being ever. The old man and i [mainly the old man] covered such topics as social security, social security supplements, medicare, medicaid, prescription drugs, ordering prescriptions from Canada, his tv, tiger woods on his tv, the big black hole that occasionally pops up on his tv, his antenna, how much high definition TVs cost, how much they used to cost, how much they'll cost just after thanksgiving, how much flatter TVs have gotten over the years, hiding money in safe deposit boxes at various banks so the government cant see it, occasionally spending some of it on a new porch, evil termites, dead termites and various other fun and somewhat related topics. Thankfully my phone rang just as i was about to shoot myself and i lived to tell the tale.

Also i just turned 26 y'all. That's still a cool age right?

live blogging ndtv's coverage of the solar eclipse.

2009-07-21T20:55:00.006-05:00

pallava bagla, not known for being the most enthusiastic guest has been invited by ndtv to cover the solar eclipse along with vishnu som the host, who is comically excited.

host: this is a once in a lifetime experience. can you explain to us what is happening to the sun.

bagla: see it's not a big deal. it is just that the moon is coming between the earth and the sun. see slowly slowly it is coming.

excited host: guwahati is seeing the eclipse first. we were not expecting this. why is this happening?

bagla: it is very simple. it is because there is cloud cover in other places. if you had a clear sky you would have seen it. see if u ask me i would rather see rainfall than a solar eclipse. we need some rain.

host: what advice would you give people today? what should they do? what should they not do?

bagla: it is just a normal day. do what you always do. i say go for your morning walk. take your dog out for a walk. take your children. just do not look at the sun directly. if you have to look use these special glasses.

shows us his special glasses. explains in detail the dangers of not using such glasses. asks the audience to make sure there are no scratches on the glasses.

host: can you use regular sun glasses?

frustrated bagla: NO you cannot! neither should you look at a reflection of the eclipse in the water. or in coloured water. watch it on tv if you really have to.

excited host: beautiful images we are seeing.....

bagla sighing deeply: what you are seeing right now is not a solar eclipse. it is just a cloud coming in front of the sun and the moon.

unperturbed host: right... NOW you can see...

bagla: NO it is still just the morning sun. it is your camera filters that are giving that hue.

a few moments of awkward silence.

host: the sun looks like the moon right now. ha ha.

bagla rolls his eyes.

host: alright. let's go to tanima right now who is with a group of people gathered to witness the solar eclipse. tanima i haven't the foggiest idea where you are right now. ha ha. can you see anything?

tanima complains about fog cover where she is.

host: is it true there will be an eclipse next year also?

bagla: yes! that is what i have been saying. every 18 months there is a solar eclipse somewhere in the world. this time it is happening in our backyard. that's all.

host: wow! these are new images we are seeing. explain to us bagla what has just happened.

bagla: the sun has been eclipsed by the moon. this is darkness at dawn.

they show us a blank screen for a couple of minutes.

host: wow. look a diamond ring!

bagla: yes. it is not the sharpest image but it is a diamond ring.

host: this is the celestial spectacle of the century!

host: we have some new images from china where it looks like the eclipse is just starting.

bagla: it is in fact just ending.

host: fantastic images. stunning.

bagla: i wish i could have seen it myself, outside the studio. i brought my glasses.

host: ha ha. we wont let you get away so easily.

pic - http://www.toothpastefordinner.com

i wish someone would produce a cd featuring the best music from indian ads over the years.

2009-07-16T00:41:00.003-05:00

let's make a list. add a link if you've got one. and i'm not taking just ads that make you nostalgic but ads with great tunes. here's ten i can remember.

ek limca churalo na

dairy milk - kuch khaas hain hum sabhi mein

hamaara kal hamaara aaj

my favourite [in both tamil and hindi] jeevan mein aapke naya sunrise

perk - thodi thodi bhari thodi thodi halki

colgate fresh - sanson mein zinda dil tazgi

garden sarees - music by a r rahman

titan music

doodh hain wonderful this one was more fun to watch.

jab ghar ki raunak badhani ho. deewaron ko jab sajaana ho nerolac nerolac.

music to make me happy

2009-07-12T16:08:00.002-05:00

i have a new amazon obsession. i go on there and find all kinds of music. music that i feel guilty buying for such low prices. but it's there, you know? ready to be purchased. so this past month i've just been buying and buying and it's so exciting. all this music comes to my front door from all over the world. the parcels are small enough to fit in my mail box so i don't have to go to the post office. so none of this. i also like that a lot of them come handwritten. and if they're from out of the country there's a little customs declaration form and i can see the sender's signature and their sworn testament that they're not mailing me dangerous explodable material. it's all very exciting.

i'm one of those of people who hasn't moved on to newer cooler technology. i still listen to cds cause they work in my car and that's the one place i really need my music. it's important to me to have great music on my way to work. it sets the mood you know. like all of last week i listened to three regina spektor songs over and over again. song number 1 , 4 and 6. fidelity, on the radio and hotel song. i went to work happy each day. and that's hard to do especially on a monday. the other cool thing about cds is i can play them at work. well most of them. my office really digs goldspot now. and travis and death cab for cutie. alright maybe not as much. but they're catching on. most importantly though i'm ridding the world of horrific 96.5 type music. next week i'll be educating them on some more travis and the ost to garden state [thanks art] and once and maybe some steven fretwell if it arrives soon enough.

No, this is how it works
You peer inside yourself
You take the things you like
And try to love the things you took

And then you take that love you made
And stick it into some
Someone else's heart
Pumping someone else's blood

And walking arm in arm
You hope it don't get harmed
But even if it does
You'll just do it all again

And on the radio
You hear, 'November Rain'
That solo's awful long
But it's a good refrain
You listen to it twice
'Cause the DJ is asleep

On the radio, on the radio
On the radio, uh oh, on the radio, uh oh
On the radio, uh oh, on the radio

***
in fantastic news my mother is going on vacation for a couple of weeks. yay peace and quiet. boo frozen food. i'm a terrible daughter i know.

***

in embarrassing news some lady tried to set me up with her son. in front of her son! but that's a whole other post.

***
also dear blaudience i don't feel the need to apologize for my posts. this right here is me explaining how i don't feel the need to apologize. like if you think i was funnier back in 2007 go read 2007. okay? and quit bitching. this is a personal blog. at least it's still here. with disco and the really short sentences. and i still update it. i haven't deleted it. i haven't switched urls on you. i haven't packed up and gone back to college and forgotten about you. hint hint. i'm not off writing a secret book. none of that. i'm still here. i still write about tv. and crap i buy. and movies i watch and people that annoy me. and i realize you miss gaysin but he's been in hiding ever since his dad got here. also that got old. you know it did.

p.s. who's watching the iifa awards tonight? why do they always show these things like a month after it actually happened?

the '09 bet awards also known as the most awesome tv night in years!

2009-06-28T23:02:00.003-05:00

i spent my sunday evening watching the bet awards and following it live on twitter. it was the most absurd thing i've ever seen. i want it forever on dvd for sad days.

the award show was supposed to be a tribute to mj. they did like a five minute tribute at the end and the rest of the time jamie fox sang, collected an award, hosted the show, pimped his upcoming tour and sang some more. he even hosted the after show. it was ridiculous. the singing was all very live and therefore disastrous. beyonce wore a diamond studded swimsuit and sang ave maria. mj's father was partying it up with the rev. al sharpton. kanye's lady friend held up her red clutch to her face the whole time. lil wayne cussed like he was trying to create some type of guinness record. neyo was decent. there was no chris brown. there was no dancing. i only spotted one white person the entire time, the dude from entourage. it's like a celebrity contest each year. one lucky white person gets invited to the bet awards. here are some of my favorite tweets from the evening that i copied and saved just for you. pay attention also to the names of these folk.

TheBusBandit: Only on the BET Awards would the cameraman get knocked down by audience members trying to be on TV. Wow...just wow.....

chloeyb: watching the BET awards and wondering why do the fans have to be told to calm down!! come on BLACK PPL!!

c_neLz: Devoting 20% of my attention to the actual Awards & 80% of my attention to Twitter commentary.. Much more entertaining.

1MissSizeSexy: I am enjoyin the awards......I wanna see a MJ contribute but....its good.

itsBuffie: btw...after the awards I will be exposing someone..dnt be tough on twitter..cause u fragile in REAL life..smh

nogimmickneeded: if MJ hadn't of died, do you think he would have attended the BET awards?

enthahotness @nogimmickneeded: NO cause he white. you cant even get in the building if you white.

eshenayo: @NIKKI0J3 i don't discriminate, i didn't watch the MTV awards either :-)

HarleyzWorld: Ok pizza here lemme eat fa I pass out cus lawd these awards r dry... Whew..

Tmcocoa: @BOMBkid girl we gonna have to settle for YouTube n the bet awards for the night...niggas been lame lately

lasha45: this muthafucka just cursed on the BET awards. He is drunk or something

bremari: lol at Eddie Levert...the beep is like 2 seconds behind only at the BET Awards

charmful: WHY IS BEYONCE TRENDING AS NUMBER TWO? BEYONCE IS SECOND TO NONE. BEYONCE BEYONCE BEYONCE BEYONCE BEYONCE BEYONCE BEYONCE BEYONCE BEYONCE

mikeavila: Don Cornelius is never getting off the stage. EVER. This is the best hijacking of an awards show I've ever witnessed.

missladii8732: The BET awards r just too black for me.... Bring out Gucci and Juiceman.... BET awards r 2 shows away from being the Ozone awards

topnotchchik_09: ALL MY FELLOW TWIGGAS NEED TO VOTE FOR MY BOO TI FOR THE VIEWERS CHOICE AWARDS PLZ!!! & THNK U

simply_jean: LETS HAVE A MOMENT OF SILENCE FOR THE BET OF THE BET AWARDS.... YOU CANT WRITE STUFF LIKE THIS..... NO TWEETS FOR 3 SECONDS

Dereon_Diva: wear is my other sister?lol.SOLANGE M.I.A @ THE AWARDS

ChipBrownOB: We can't get two words in a row in Lil Wayne's rap on the BET Awards for obvious broadcast guideline reasons. Bunch a dead air baby ...

kendrad2188: dag when did the bet awards turn n2 such a hot mess. and dont get me started on t.i.'s main baby mama.

alright so everyone remembers boyzone and the backstreet boys but holy crap look what i just found!

2009-06-18T17:23:00.001-05:00

does anyone remember these guys? and is that akon? it can't be. no wait it's not. omg maybe it is!

i would come home from school everyday and put on channel v in the hopes that they would play this song. heck i used to think the boy with the crazy orange curls was cute. i'm suddenly nostalgic for trey and by demand. trey was so hot. and funny. he'd always call these random restaurants out of the county and place these elaborate food orders and then after a good twenty minutes of talking he would give them his address and they'd hang up on him.

the only reason for this post was so i could use the words 'bonus material. i'm so cool. i make bonus material and only special folk get to read it.

2009-06-17T23:30:00.007-05:00

apparently on amazon you're free to send people crap they didn't order along with crap they did order as long as it's free.

i received this random cd in its own seperate envelope. i was scared to even play it. for one the cover looked haunted.

also the band members looked mental. one guy had a mail box growing out of his head.

i'm tempted to mail it back with a thanks but no thanks note. or even better something random from my cassette collection.

ooh i know. maybe laadla/raja babu. i own that. at least i used to. i dont know why i would have bought it. i cant remember a single song.

except for the one song on the bed that they banned or were trying to have banned for vulgar dancing or something. heh.

bonus material for my blaudience only. twitter peeps i'm not yet as fond of.

did you know you can buy cd's on amazon for a penny? yes one penny. they have travis 'invisible band' for one penny. i am offended on behalf of travis.

shout out to my new anon hater with mpd. why you gotta ruin it with an apology? and if you have to apologize why you gotta copy paste the same exact apology three different times? change it up boy. or girl.

p.s. who's excited to watch 'year one'? i love michael cera. has anyone anywhere seen 'nick and norah's infinite playlist'? i'm still waiting to meet a single person who has seen it so i can discuss it with them.

2009-06-09T00:47:00.003-05:00

someone in chapel hill, north carolina read my blog today. i've been waiting for this day for so long but damn it it can't be anoop cause he's in la. who could it be? mummy jee?

i do my part to save national treasures...using twitter.

2009-05-26T20:00:00.004-05:00

hehe i'm very proud of myself today. i feel like i'm totally responsible for one of anoop's tweets and i took a picture to prove it. in my quest to become the ultimate noopdogg fangirl i have begun to stalk him on twitter. me and thousands of other tweens. i also stalk his friends and fellow clef hangers cause you never know what you'll find out. one of his friends, the hot black dude who accompanied him to his idol audition recently showed symptoms of the swine flu. i immediately alerted anoop because you know i'm a fan girl. also i was aware that the two of them had spent time together the previous day at the beach. anoop upon seeing my good advice tweeted his friend basically telling him to stay the eff away from him. okay something like that. see pic below.

this whole online adventure has made my afternoon so much fun. also i finally got my clef hanger cds. they only took like weeks to get here. plus i missed them once before and the stupid post office will not redeliver if you're not at home the first time. they leave you this threatening postcard warning you that they will RETURN THE ITEM TO SENDER if you do not act with haste. fuck them.

my mother had to go wait in line at the post office this afternoon to collect it after having forged my signature [with my permission] on the back. she calls me at work.

pri you forgot to sign the silly postcard.

omg mother just forge my signature no.

usshu no no this is us postal service.

ma don't be silly. no one is going to arrest you.

mmmm...

ma please. it's my anoop cd. they will RETURN it TO SENDER if you don't go right now.

aah okay okay. what and all you make me do for you.

thanks ma. you're the best.

i got home from work and the parcel was sitting on my couch. it's adorable and yellow much like 90% of all parcels. and someone wrote my name and address on the front in really neat cursive handwriting. and they spelt it perfectly. and it says university of north carolina on it. i've decided i'm gonna save it till im ninety. and on the inside of one cd there's tiny pics of anoop. i think they're anoop. i can't really tell. it's a big group. yayyyyyyyyy!!! this evening keeps getting better. my mother just announced she has made pineapple acharu and look i have a new follower on twitter. someone named prakash shah who is following 370 people and has 1 person following him back. that's just sad. i will follow him. okay maybe not. he's tweeting about the bollywood strike and how it's having ripple effects across the universe.

oh jammy.

2009-05-24T15:54:00.007-05:00

i've thought about this all afternoon but i can't pick my favourite moment from today. you dropping that sitter or you attempting that ridiculous shot. you know, the one that started it all.

hello,

my team RCB managed to enter the finals of the ipl shocking everyone. they followed it up by losing a game no one thought they could possibly lose. they're cool like that. i watched in fascination as wicket after wicket fell. then i watched in even more fascination as the closing ceremony began. i've never watched an ipl ceremony before, opening or closing, so this came as a mild shock. it did however bring the lols at a time when i needed it most. what ensued was this unfortunate improptu live tweet coverage.

nahiiiiiiiin! wtf jammy wtf?

omg president zuma you're adorable and all but dude you gotta talk faster than that. this shit is live.

good lord! someone hand the man an energy drink.

u hear that uthappa? you gotta smack that. one damn six was all we needed.

how much do you think akon would go for? i say we sell pietersen for akon. mallya get out your checkbook.

@aritra_m worst lip sync ever? really? clearly you haven't been watching idol this year. he sure got his continents mixed up though.

look y'all a balloon carrying an angel floating to the omen theme. and now akon crowns miss transvestite bollywood. this is a dream right?

@mallya: also can we sell a couple of cheerleaders for the hairy homeless guy with the giant wheel of fire on his head? he be awesome!

awwww what well coordinated bhumi chakras. and it's only may!

what was that? jai hoe indeed. bitch the least you can do is look sad. your team lost!

apparently this is a moment of great pride for desis everywhere as ipl becomes a trending topic on twitter.

p.s. if for some reason you missed this epic fail of an event you can check it out here here and here.

p.p.s. i found this incredibly genius sentence on this incredibly genius blog and i just had to share it with you.

"The Chargers were charged up and the Challengers just weren’t challenging enough. As a result, the Deccan Chargers beat the Royal Challengers Bangalore today and were crowned champions of the IPLSAE (Indian Premier League, South African Edition)." you can read the rest here.

idol finale

2009-05-20T17:27:00.008-05:00

i don't care who wins tonight. i love them both. and they love each other. awwwww. have y'all seen the kiss? what i'm looking forward to the most tonight is seeing noopy. he will be performing with megan joy and no they're NOT dating. i know this because i'm smart like that. i hope he shaves and wears a suit. also i hope megan doesn't totally ruin the vocals. what i'm looking forward to the least is the damn coronation song. i don't think i can listen to it 3 times in 2 days. poor kradam.

edit: so the duet was with alexis not megan. also it was hardly a duet. he got one line in and then alexis joined in, then jason mraz and then the top 13! even michael breathless sarvar got 2 solos and my boy gets one line? poor scott though. i dont think they even attached a microphone to him.

p.s. i did get one part of my wish. he wore a suit right at the end. skinny tie and all. so hot!

and look more kradam cuteness.

Goldspot - Friday in Hindi

2009-05-18T19:32:00.001-05:00

i can't stop listening to this song. it makes me super happy and then a little sad and then supper happy again.

warning: posts written right after watching emotional 2 hour grey's anatomy season finales dont usually make a lot of sense.

2009-05-14T23:09:00.001-05:00

do you remember 5 years ago when they were announcing the results on ndtv and i called you multiple times that day because i knew you would be so pissed and you were too and you cursed while i laughed like a crazy person until i had to cut you off cause some fool was standing on his car pointing a gun to his head threatening to kill himself on live tv if she refused to be pm. i think i called you again to discuss govinda's dramatic 'please madam you have to do this' speech. it's been 5 whole years. isnt that crazy? not much has changed on ndtv or in indian politics for that matter, except gun pointer dude quit the congress and is now apparently contesting on a bsp ticket. heh. so that changed. everything else however still pretty much the same. except i cant call you to gloat cause for one im not sure who will win tomorrow. also i dont have your number anymore.

grey's anatomy got it right.

2009-05-14T22:13:00.003-05:00

george and izzy died. it's kind of perfect. i've always loved george and izzy. i hated it when izzy and karev got together. i hated it when all of a sudden lexie was george's best friend. last week when george got to walk her down the aisle it was perfect. and today he helped her make her decision. he didnt make it for her but he was there giving her the strength to make it. and when she died he was there waiting on the other side. it's so perfect. i love george and izzy. sure there was karev and denny and lexie and torres but in the end none of them mattered. in the end george had izzy and izzy had george.

p.s. i want to get married on a post it. sniff.

someone sign him please. also someone shave him please.

2009-04-27T20:51:00.009-05:00

alright i think it's time we talked about it. sniff. he's gone! sniff. and it's really hard but you will be happy to know that i'm recovering. slowly. thank you all for your concern and sweet comments and texts. i still can't make myself listen to his last itune recording because that song just reminds me of elimination night which is a night i will never forget. sniff. i took the rest of the week off to recuperate. my recuperation included sleeping till mid afternoon. then i'd wake up and spend the rest of the day scoping out the internet for every single article and interview featuring him. i managed to locate some 1500 or so grainy videos of local fox news stations all over the country that interviewed him and lil rounds. and they were all exactly the same. for one he was wearing the same clothes. no pink. sob. and they were all asking him the same damn questions but anoop was polite and sweet and didnt bitch slap lil rounds even once. not even once. i hate that he has to share even this with lil rounds, who cannot for the life of her construct a decent sentence. all of her sentences consist of at least one of the following: 'you know', 'artist' and 'keeeds'. then she'll toss her weave and shake her head. every now and then anoop gets a word in. and it's beautiful. sigh. he's sweet and articulate and beardy. sniff. its time noopy. we're over the scruff. not over you though. we'll never be over you. this morning he was on regis and kelly and later on ellen but they had him sing at the end of the show and they CUT HIM OFF during the credits. sniff. anoopyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. come back.

p.s. i hope y'all are coping okay with that bacon flu. stay healthy and remember to always maintain one arms distance from all other human beings. this is actually a good rule to follow in general. muah.

p.p.s i had a bag like this in school to carry my lunch and water bottle in. also my napkin, spoon, orange and the occasional 5 star bar wrapped in a note from mum with smiley face. i would misplace the bag all the time but it kept coming back & in ghastlier colours. thanks mum. how awesome is it that i can now purchase an almost identical one for the very reasonable price of 484 pounds. yay for ridiculously ugly bags.

y'all see the heart? please please let him make the top 5!

2009-04-22T19:06:00.004-05:00

hi noopy.

2009-04-09T01:53:00.005-05:00

top 7 baby! wooo hooo!

i hate secrest for playing with you like that but it's all good. i told him to eff off on twitter. i would totally unfollow him right now but i was never following him to start with unlike whatthebuck who i now hate forever after what he said about you. and i'm never watching any of his youtube videos ever again. not even if they're about figure skating. so there.

moving on to more important things - i was happy with your song this week. i have watched it multiple times while studying them big brown eyes. also i have to say i'm discovering new things to crush about you like that one bone on your left wrist. very pretty. [@other fan girls: you can spot it right towards the end of the song just before the camera moves to the other side for the 'rainnnnnnnn....bowwww' falsetto. bonus points for taking that extra second to close your mouth. sigh.

let's talk wardrobe. i appreciate you not wearing the 8 layers of clothing this week but the grandpa sweater has got to go. colour is good. green even. just not green horizontal stripes on an ill fitting button down sweater. it's like mummyjee went up to you during commerical and said "beta sweater peheno".

for next week's movie songs don't sing titanic and don't sing anything from grease. also if you want to sing an upbeat song go ahead but just stand in one spot and sing okay? swaying is allowed. pg-13 stripping too. feel free to throw out some clef moves but promise no moving about the stage okay? and dont forget to flash those dimples. muah.

love fan girl pri.

p.s. who you be supporting with that bracelet?

so like 8 twitter updates equal to 1 blog post?

2009-03-20T21:06:00.003-05:00

it's officially spring y'all which means it's 90 degrees in houston already. i can't wait for october.

my cousin just sent us new pictures of her kids. these kids are crazy mixed. they're part sri lankan, part black, part burmese and part finnish. however in the picture they look like two little mexican girls which is strange cause they're both boys. apparently that particular combination of ethnicities leads to gender bender mexican kids. i kid. they're adorable. yay for my family.

in idol news how awesome was our boy anoop this week? i was so excited as soon as i heard him sing the first line of 'always on my mind'. i knew it would be perfect and it was except for the line where he says 'b-l-i-i-i-n-d'. he sounded like a goat but a cute goat, that wears purple and green hoodies

in other news i now tweet. this means that henceforth i will be conveying to you every single crazy thought that appears in my head. [yay for you!] a lot of times i'll think of something but it's not worthy of an entire post and so i end up never saying it and then it gets lost forever. of course this does not include my 'for when i'm a sitcom writer' drafts which im never sharing with you unless you pay me cash money. so my point fellow bloggers is that i insist you join twitter. instead of just letting your blog sit there and die a slow death at least you'll have these occasional mini posts that will maybe inspire you to blog again. or you can just put all your tweets together and voila you have a post.

you know how when you get mad at people you say horrible things in your mind to them like "ugh i hope you die!"? i have recently started to be more specific about how i want these people to die. i want it to be violent and dramatic and a little funny. like "ugh i hope you die in a buffalo stampede". you should totally try this because it's satisfying and will make you giggle a little thereby easing the anger towards said person.

other ways to relieve stress and get super happy without resorting to narcotics is to watch anoop desai cleff hanger videos on you tube. there are tons of them and some are even accompanied by minor stripping. girrrl reeeeeeeeeelax! sigh. i'm beyond lame. i'm not even going to tell you how many times i voted for him this week. let's just say there were many zeros. if there's a virtual anoop dog fan greeting card out there to sign i've signed it. if there's a poll for favourite idol contestant i've voted on it. multiple times. if there's an article containing the words 'anoop' 'noop' or 'noop dog' that was published within the last hour or day or week i've read it. thank you google news. if there's a personal anoopy childhood story from a distant family member i've read and reread it and by god if there's a new photo album i've stalked it. i constantly use words like 'noopaholic', 'nooper trooper', 'nooptastic' and my favourite 'i want to anoop you'. like i said. beyond lame.

p.s. dear president obama if you would like to keep your ratings up i would suggest you not do the following: 1. make special olympics jokes on late night tv and 2. schedule presidential addresses on american idol time. i have to wait an extra 24 hours this week to see my anoop and i'm not pleased.

please god let this one be straight.

2009-03-20T00:28:00.002-05:00

i havent crushed this bad since i was seventeen

2009-03-13T21:32:00.001-05:00

girl relax!!

noopy update followed by really long gossipy idol conversation. skip if you're not into idol.

2009-03-12T00:16:00.006-05:00

noopy survived! oh thank god! don't you ever ever do that to us again you crazy fool! who picks 'beat it'? gahhhhh! i had to bring out the rosary tonight. the last time i did that was before the hurricane and before that it has only been used at the end of very close cricket matches. talking about cricket matches we just won a series in new zealand. what?? what's even more shocking is they're scoring over 300 runs and that's just each side individually. remember the last time and the time before that? i remember this one series where whoever won the toss won the match. it was like you win the toss, you choose to bowl. the other team is out for just over 100. you bat. the pitch has dried up just a teeny bit and you manage to reach the target. but barely. this was how every match went. and we lost more tosses than we won. anyway go team and go sehwag! and sachin don't be saying things that suggest dada's team wasn't the bestest ever.

anyway back to idol. i was such a tv whore last night. i watched the show and i had my phones ready to dial. i was under the impression that you could only vote one time from one line. so not true! you can vote as many times as you want and it's free. so i had my cordless phone in one hand and my cell phone [which is free after 9 pm which is perfect cause that's when the voting starts] in the other hand and i hit redial and redial and redial while i chatted with mother and watched the news. i took breaks to get refreshments and to avoid carpel tunnel syndrome and then i got back to hitting redial. i have no idea how many votes i contributed to they were all worth it baby! wooooohooooooo! ooh and this morning i was obsessively checking anoop dog fan websites [yes there are plenty] and they were all pointing to the dialidol website which predicts the results based on which contestant's phone lines had the busiest signals or something. i don't know but apparently they have had great success rates the past seasons and they were all saying that he was in the top 5 but when they called him on stage with jorge [paapa so sad] i was like oh god the website was all wrong but the thing is they never said that anoop and jorge were the bottom two. even with jasmine and that corkey girl [you know, the one with the one move and the adorableness] they never said that they were the bottom two. i'm thinking they just pick whomever the hell they want, probably the one that got the worst comments from the judges and the one person with the lowest votes and they bring them both on stage to build the tension. like if nunez was up there today with someone who had sung well but didn't have a big fan base [like the redhead whom i love by the way] of course the judges would have saved her. ooh that's the new twist by the by which i think is cool. but by putting anoop in there with him it was tense cause they both had bad comments and there was no way the judges would have saved anoop again. its not really fair but it almost like he's used up his one life even before they came up with this new rule. see how into this i am? super lame i know but i'm in lurrrrve and next week the boy better kill it.

p.s. did you see last night when they were showing his intro video with his parents and they showed baby pictures of him wearing a baby kurta and waist coat! my mum and me both went awwwwwwwww.

p.p.s. how awful did kanye sound tonight? see anyone can have a bad night. at least anoop looked cute. they spiked his hair a little and everything. kanye was wearing denim on denim with some type of towel falling out of his back pocket!

i have bits of an online conversation that i had a few minutes ago with a fellow blogger on the same subject that im wanting to post but said person is absconding even though their gtalk icon is suspiciously orange and i need their permission to post such a conversation so come back person before i go to sleep.

ooh in the meantime while i was anooping with said blogger another blogger who also happened on be online [what are the chances? god we're so lame] and me were having a simultaneous conversation, some of which i will now copy paste.

S: what are you watching?

me: im typing
a blog post
about anoop dog
sigh
S: o
me: american idol
S: he got quit
me: too mainstream for u
he got wat?
S: as in did he get voted out
me: no bitch
dont say that
i wouldn't be this upbeat if he had
S: dude
me: and u would have sensed it immediately
S: k
me: because i would've upped the sarcasm in this conversation
S: no kidding, really?
me: yes
i have a massive tv crush on him
me and everyone else
u gotta watch
S: what's so great abt him?

me: so much dork appeal the boy has
S: so the new word for popular ugly people is dork appeal
me: he is so not ugly
S: ok
me: dork = geek but cutish
like so and so could be cute if only they weren't so awkward and had a mini makeover
S: isnt this a singing show? just making sure
me: a desi boy example would be if so and so would stop tucking in his shirt and remove his yennefied side parting he would be cute
oh he can sing!
this is no sanjaya
S: then why does side, center parting matter
me: uff i was just giving example to u

so u dont confuse dorky with ugly

ooh permission granted from original blogger aka dulhanjee.

me: he made it!

itsacharade: i know
but stupid simon crucified him last night
he was wearing nice clothes also
thanks to stylist and there's less hair

me: please! he looked like a bus conductor
they fixed his hair though

itsacharade: hello... did you see him with that cardigan

me: dechapatified his hair

itsacharade: not the blue one you have on your blog

me: hehe
yes

itsacharade: but the grey one with the buttons
and green tie

me: he is dressing for 60 yrs in the future

itsacharade: the buttons didn't close properly and you could see gaps in between

me: for when he's a retired college professor with dreams of being a rockstar

itsacharade: yes... he does look like he's from silicon valley and not the player I'm totally assuming he is

me: heeeeeeee
did not notice the gaps

itsacharade: they were there, believe me

me: hehe
i was just writing a post on the show
i voted like a crazy person

itsacharade: wow a post from you
shocking!

me: shut up

itsacharade: why is everyone being so lazy about blogging just when i have no work at work

me: everyone's going through a dry patch
all the cool ppl that is

itsacharade: yes but why everyone at the same time

me: cause we're cool

itsacharade: i guess that's what makes you cool... together

me: omg

itsacharade: meh

me: stop it

itsacharade: ok i'm glad i didn't say omg

me: why r u always trying to say whatever it is im saying?

itsacharade: what to do... you're my god
ess

me: we must be related
seriously

itsacharade: no no... everyone i'm related to is not like me
maybe i'm adopted

me: u know ppl in bangalore right?
and you're catholic?
ooh maybe

itsacharade: i only know people in bangalore because i married someone from there

me: my mother always told me she picked me up from the kuppethotti near my house

itsacharade: heee

me: but you're old
so we couldn't be twins
hmmm

itsacharade: maybe you gestated for longer

me: watever!
ooh u should totally watch nick and norah's infinite playlist

itsacharade: heh what is that

me: u usually watch all the movies i do
like 6 months after they came out

itsacharade: have you watched confessions of a shopaholic

me: and u usually like the ones i like

itsacharade: yeah... its a hk thing

me: um duh
i did not enjoy it as much as everyone else

itsacharade: why did they cast amy adams

me: too close to home

itsacharade: when reese witherspoon was made for the part

me: its not amy adams

itsacharade: hehe
oh
ok i haven't watched it yet

me: but omg i totally get confused with her and the other girl
who is isla fisher
who is married to BORAT of all ppl

itsacharade: oh yaaa

me: see how much random crap i know

itsacharade: heh she totally looks like amy adams
what's the point of having two of them

me: someone just asked me wat i was doing
and i said we're anooping

itsacharade: haha good word

me: yes

itsacharade: i love simon

me: me too

itsacharade: dont know why

me: did u see the results show yet?

itsacharade: but i'm going to hit him if he doesn't stop being mean to anoop

me: he was so mean

itsacharade: no and don't tell me!

me: to jorge
ok sorry
ull see
not mean
just um blunt

like even before they finished the question

itsacharade: between you and my husband i'm never going to experience the nail-biting anticipation of reality tv

me: heh
sorry sorry
when does it come on for u?

itsacharade: but that jorge was terrible

me: bwahahaha
yes

itsacharade: well i just wanted someone to be terrible so anoopy doesn't get kicked off

me: he was adorable for a week
when his words were coming out in spanglish
omg me too

itsacharade: yes, until paula went "say something in spanish"

me: after anoop started singing i was like oh shit. now i hope at least two ppl do worse.

ull read my post

itsacharade: that woman is totally from another planet

me: she is but i love her

itsacharade: i liked his beat it though... as in, it was totally in tune

me: some of the crap she says though i totally get

itsacharade: hahah really

me: yes
but sometimes shes just bsing

itsacharade: i think she just comes on the show to try on new vocabulary
which is a commendable pursuit an all

me: that other girl i dont like as much

itsacharade: but very bizarre to watch

me: cause she reminds me of my new boss

itsacharade: hee... does your new boss glow too
do you think the glow is real? or makeup?

me: makeup
that lil bows or watever was glowing too yesterday
all pink
and coraly

itsacharade: lill rounds
whoever the stylist is... can only dress boys

me: and when they show her at home videos with all her many offspring her skin looks terrible

itsacharade: who? lill rounds?

me: jasmine looked so cute today

itsacharade: or kara

me: some bright orange dress

itsacharade: whaat in the pink dress

me: and a feather pendent

ull see

no no

today

yesterday she looked ridiculous

okay so besides our bias for anoop dog

who do we think is the best singer

and do u hate danny goatee with the dead wife?

cause i do

i dont get it

also the beefy oil rigger guy

wat's so great? yeah so his job is kinda depressing and he has an offspring who comes on the show with posters saying vote for my daddy but who cares?

itsacharade: i liek danny... sadly

and also the oil rigger...

because he's cute

he's large

but cute

i also like the blind boy

though i hated him yesterday

i don't really like any of the girls

me: blind boy

can sing

was bad yesterday

itsacharade: yeah he was no?

me: but he can sing

heh

itsacharade: and he had a really fixed smile on face poor thing

me: they're scared to be mean to him though

not simon

heh

itsacharade: but he can sing

i knowww

i HATE it when kara goes "i'd really like to see you with your instrument

me: ooh when anoop got through to top 13

and all the contestants came running onto the stage

they left the blind guy by himself

he was standing there all alone clapping

itsacharade: nooo

me: but facing the right direction

heh

itsacharade: hahaha

noo... i thought his brother person brought him

me: i know the instrument thing makes me think of perverted things

itsacharade: worse, yesterday paula goes: it's so wonderful to see your instrument at your fingertips or some such

me: bwahahahaa

itsacharade: at least they're not saying organ

me: oh god

yes

itsacharade: the sad thing was, when he finally got his "instrument" he wasn't so mindblowing

poor thing

me: i know. hehe.

itsacharade: i just knew that was going to happen

me: but during hollywood week or something he was really good

itsacharade: performance anxiety

me: he sang this one song

itsacharade: in the video clip

did he have his "instrument" then?

me: yes

and he was awesome

im sure he has it on youtube

itsacharade: yeah he is generally awesome

me: oh and this is horrible and not funny but i have to tell u

itsacharade: i'll try not to laugh

me: on the tv guide channel they have fans send in questions to ask the idols

so the q was wat would be like your dream round on idol

so whore hey was like latin round

and red haired rocker chick was like alternative week

itsacharade: ouff

me: and gay boy with brilliant voice was like musical drama rock or something

and then the blind boy was like i would like to see...

and then they paused

and i was like omg

itsacharade: noooo

me: so mean

and he was like um i would like to see so and so round

and i was like bwhahahahaha

itsacharade: haha you're evil

me: isnt that just terrible

itsacharade: they did NOT pause

me: okay in my head

they paused for like 8 seconds

itsacharade: could be though

me: long enough for me to think such things

itsacharade: i hate how every contestant is trying to seem poor

liek

"we didn't have much growing up"

me: bwhahahah

yes

itsacharade: why don't they get some paris hilton types

me: thats why i hate the oil rigger guy

also danny go pee has not only a dead wife

but also he is head chuch choir boy or something

itsacharade: nooo i missed that

me: so all them church ppl have his back

poor anoop

itsacharade: oh yeah, he loves church music he kept saying

me: all he has are his adorable really really old parents

heh

ok im going to stop

itsacharade: aww they're not so old

me: or im going straight to hell

itsacharade: they're presentable actually

me: they're adorable

actually

itsacharade: yeah his mum hugged him

me: heh

itsacharade: i'm like oooh indian parents hugging their kids

me: have u seen his youtube vidoes

with his college band

itsacharade: nopes

me: him in a bowtie

youtube him fool

tons of videos

itsacharade: hahaha poor thing

me: thats why hes so popular

itsacharade: i must i must

me: ppl expect him to sing like that

itsacharade: is he? i thought we were his only fan club

me: dude no

everyone loves him

itsacharade: though he did get 14,000 something votes

me: do u not read the internet ?

itsacharade: 14 million

whatever

me: 14 m is too much

33 m was total votes cast

itsacharade: no no, my scope is too limited

me: aah

heh

google news

uff

itsacharade: haha ok then... see numbers mean nothing

me: hes popular

his college crowd

desi ppl

itsacharade: also, he lost out to danny by a small margin

me: and everyone else who is just like omg hes so cute

itsacharade: so my thinking was he HAS to be in the wild card

me: everyone says hes likable

yes

and they said it was the easiest choice

itsacharade: but then yesterday, simon kind of made out like he was the last choice

me: maybe thats why i hate danny

cause anoop lost out to him

itsacharade: the 13th... as if they hadn't just done that for shock value

2009-03-06T22:30:00.002-06:00

so these highheelconfidential girls have me hooked on tons of celebrity websites. i am registered on all kinds of nonsense websites and most work afternoons i spend checking out bollywood celebrities at awards shows, peace rallies, ribbon cutting ceremonies [my most favourite thing ever. i have always dreamt of being invited to cut ribbon at some event] and anywhere else everyone is showing up to. today i spent a good part of the afternoon checking out amrita arora's wedding pictures. tons of ott celebs arriving with their cleavage, clutches and jewellery. apparently no one wears normal looking sarees anymore. they're all see through, glitter infested and worn only with shiny mettallic bikini tops. anyway so in between close ups of malaika's arm bracelet and some lady's clutch that looked like a radio which and i have to say i'm all for interesting bag designs but when you're going to a wedding and you're wearing a saree why you got to be holding a ridiculous radio shaped bag? now if it was in fact a real radio and she was holding it so she could keep track of the cricket score then that would be okay but we'll never know. right so coming to the point, in between all the shininess i spot what looks like an auto rickshaw and i'm like who came to this thing in an auto? turns out it was salman khan. there's a mob of people around him. the auto driver is beaming and then there's sallu. it's fucking hilarious. is he like banned from ever sitting in a car? i realise he runs over people all the time but like dude you could get a chauffer.

in anoop desai news........ he's so back! and looking hot. they made a special spot 13 just for him. awwww.

mausam ke sargam

2009-02-28T20:28:00.001-06:00

a long long time ago in the 7th std this used to be my most favourite song in the whole wide world. anyone know what happened to this kid? no one has seen her since khamoshi came out. i think they cloned her just for the movie.

it's my half birthday today and no one wished me and even after i told them they didnt seem to think it was a big deal. it is. it's my half birthday!

2009-02-17T22:33:00.009-06:00

watch this sort of related video to commemorate my title. i don't know. people be smoking weed in the garage area and the air be coming over here. people = my older sibling.

awww y'all watch anoop dawg tonight? super adorable! also adorable are mr and mrs desai. i have removed drishti for the entire family not to worry. today also marked the first time i voted for someone on tv and considering how much tv i watch this is rather shocking. anyway i have made up for it by voting from all the three available phones in the house. the stupid landline is down due to im thinking the rain? what is this? bangalore?

my only deal with anoop is the hair. my god if there were any more he would be blagojevic. chop it up boy. give it some shape. and dont listen to the judges. sing old songs if you like. just keep em soulful.

in other news i watched coraline and now im terrified of buttons.

in random product discovery of the week i recommend this spanish hand & body cream available at your local cvs pharmacy. it has leches which i'm told is not lychees and it's only 2.99 and it feels incredibly soft, like whipped cream only with a better smell. i would tell you the name right now except that would mean having to go upstairs. so tomorrow?

in urgent news we need to start some type of blogger revival movement. any ideas?

UPDATED: sniff. noopy didn't make the cut.
who picks the butcher over big brown dopey eyes? apparently 20,000 people. now we gotta hope for the wildcard round. if the internet is to be believed the 4th highest vote getter from each week [and that would be noopy for this week] automatically qualify for the wildcard auditions where the judges pick three more to join the top 12. i say the boy will be back. hopefully this time he will leave his beige taper pants that are at least a couple of inches too short for him at home. also was it just me or did he seem like he had absolutely no idea what the lyrics were to the group song tonight? he looked very lost wandering about the stage in his silly pants but every time they let him speak he just grows more and more adorable. makes you want to pinch his cheeks and feed him a besan ladoo.

apologies for being mia for so long. i was simply lazy. also tv's pretty good this time of the year. and i've had

2009-02-11T22:55:00.007-06:00

the sundance channel for free for the longest time. they realized their mistake a couple of days ago and took it away. sniff.

in happy news i had some excellent bread today. mother and i were just discussing how awesome this particular loaf of bread was. we're saving its name and we're going to try to go back to the store every tuesday around 5 ish to look for this wonderful bread. we really really like this bread. it's our discovery of the week when it comes to food products. also it helped that i ate it with real butter today. not margarine. not i can't believe it's not butter. real butter. after the longest time too. most excellent it was.

you know who makes delicious bread and butter? koshys in bangalore. they make their own bread and their slices are very generous and they cut off the sides so you don't have to. also they have delicious ketchup. do you find that you go to places just for the condiments? like wendys here for example has good ketchup. that and they're thoughtful enough to have the little pumps so u don't have to struggle to open the damn packets. plus half the ketchup remains inside the packet anyway because u don't want to get it all over your fingers. i had this friend in bangalore who would go to kfc on brigade road [it used to be the only one in the city back then] just to eat their ketchup. we don't talk anymore this friend and i but back then we got really excited together about a lot of really stupid things. things that almost nobody else got. our favourite thing to discuss for example was this one c grade movie starring fardeen khan and this actress whose name i can't remember. the acting was just so bad we truly believed there had been a huge mistake and that somehow the wrong copy had been released. it seemed like all the scenes were first takes. many hours were spent giggling about said movie. we hadn't even watched it together so the moment we discovered our mutual fascination for the movie it was just incredible. i believe the moment happened during one of bandopadhya aka sofa pant's lectures on whateverthefuck it was he taught us. business material or something really random and useless. my friend would finish with her toi crossword and me with the bangalore times. then we'd hide under our gigantic ledger books and discuss how strange the movie was followed by theories on where they'd found this week's chandrika face of the week.

in entertainment news i watched he's just not that into you and it's very fun. also pink panther is kinda fun too. i can listen to steve martin's fake french accent all day. i wish they'd find someone to dub for aishwarya though. i think it would make her appear less annoying.

anyone watch dev d yet? it's not showing here. i cant believe it. i've checked every possible theater.

also my hottie wyatt cenac is starring in a new movie. see see. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sVEi_57JKMs

and it looks like our anoop desai made it to top 36 on idol. yay for him. they didn't show much of him today but from what i saw i think he was wearing a white kurta and a very sad looking scarf. boy needs makeover pronto. call me. plus with this frieda pinto showing up everywhere looking fabulous the standards have been raised for desi people everywhere. yes we can people.

in work news they laid off a bunch of people. remember r? yeah that will not be necessary anymore. disco and i wish him luck in his future endeavours. good thing he was a full time banker/part time hooker. i kid. i kid.

in commuter watching do u check people out in traffic? i do. everyday. not in a i hope to meet the future love of my life at one of these lights kind of way. i just think it's interesting to watch peoples' expressions on their way back from work. lots of yawny stretchy people. way too many zombie looking people and if you're lucky the occasional head bobber. i like when there's hand movement along with the head bobbing to music i cannot hear but can totally imagine. i like the evening people way better than the morning people. morning people be crazy. also most mornings i'm running late so i don't have time to be checking people out. i have lip gloss to locate in gigantic purse. also appropriate cd to locate based on current mood and weather conditions. i multitask at signals in the morning. also i'm generally in a better mood on the way back home than on the way to work and maybe everyone else is too so it's a funner exercise that time of the day.

alright i feel the need for more delicious bread. this is so weird. i hate bread. muah.

obama day

2009-01-21T23:56:00.003-06:00

so it finally happened. and it was very special.

it's been a whole year since disco and me fell madly in love with obama so we were very very proud yesterday. i wasn't in washington for the inauguration because due to the fact that it was freezing cold and i dont do boots. or hats. it's why i moved the hell out of denver. also i have a job to report to where they so kindly provide us with heating and lukewarm coffee. more importantly they got a flat screen tv in the building. i'm glad though that when i did get the opportunity to be in the same room as obama i showed up. i can say to my neighbours' grandkids some day - "i was a part of it." sniff.

in related news i approved of the first lady's jason wu gown. i thought she looked lovely. heck i wouldn't have minded if she had worn ten different designers to the ten inaugural balls. i know we're in an economic crisis and all but it's not really a waste of money if the dress is free no so what everybody's problem IS?

and how cute was old man bushy eyebrows with his colourful rhyming prayer? be seeing.

for comedy moment of the day i cant decide between aretha franklin's giant bow or dick cheney in his wheelchair.

p.s. john stewart on fox news' obsessive coverage of bush's journey back home to texas while every one else was watching obama day - "let it go. it's over. if u love an administration let it go. if it comes back to you we're all moving to canada."

p.p.s. if you're new and want to catch up on the love story between disco and obama go here.

idol

2009-01-14T20:36:00.005-06:00

anyone watch anoop desai on american idol? macchan boy was wearing awkward length shorts, some silly checked shirt and hawai chappals to his audition but he can sing. i would attempt to find a video link for you but it might be too early and i'm sure our good friends at sepia mutiny will have an in depth analysis on simon's comment soon followed by a poll on what percentage of brown people were offended. he said "your look is very geeky at the moment. you look like you just got out of a meeting with bill gates or something ... you know, very i.t.." i predict the boy will be hot after a mini makeover and he'll probably do okay if he picks the right songs and covers them hairy legs.

anyone watch the other idol? indian idol? i watch mostly for javed akhtar. he is most hilarious and he always looks in pain.

some gems from this season's auditions -

boy has just sung decently. is about to be sent to the next round when he says sir sir mera ek khud ka composition bhi hain....

javed akhtar: khatron me mat pado! jao.
***

fool singing: kaaton ne foolon ne mujhko bulaaya........

javed akhtar: aapko nahin pataa ke fool bevakoofon ko kehte hain or phool flower ko? yeh aap foolon ki raani gaa rahein hain. kya gadhon ki raani hain bevakoofon ki rani hain? kiski rani hain woh?
***

contestant has been singing completely out of tune for a whole minute when javed akhtar interrupts him to say:

mein ek baat ki guarantee de saktha hu aapko. ke yeh tune jo hain, shankar ehsan loy ki, jab tak aapne 'mein hu don' nahin kahaan tha tab tak woh bhi nahin pehchaan paatein ke yeh woh gaana hain. maine likha, magar main bhi pakad nahin paaya tha.
***

besura boy is howling while making strange tornadoesque hand movements.

javed akhtar: main ek baat notice ki ke aap sirf ek haath se gaate hain.
***

nervous looking boy enters room.

javed akhtar: kya sunaanewaala hain aap?

boy: gaana sunaunga

javed akhtar: haan aap gaane hi sunaayenge. mausam ka haal to sunna nahin hain hamein. yeh bataayiye ke gaane mein kya sunaayenge?

boy: jo soch rakhaa hain woh

javed akhtar: soch rakha woh hi sunaayenge? bahut matlab aap information aise dete hain jaise kanjoos udhaar detaa hain, badi mushkil se.
***

boy asks javed akhtar for ashirvad.

javed akhtar: zaroor zaroor mera aashirvaad hain. bhagwaan aapko sur mein le aaye.
***

p.s. this masakali song is lovely no but wateetees?

last season's indian idol post if you're super bored.

my list

2009-01-05T01:31:00.002-06:00

it's a new year. this year everything will be different. no really. vast changes will take place in my life. by changes i of course mean improvements.

this year i plan to work on my handwriting. no one can read it anymore. not even me. also i plan to eat lots of watermelon and read more. real books. not blogs with no punctuation.

i plan to find a new celebrity to be inspired by this year. most of last year i spent watching obama attempt to begin to change the world. i can't imagine how dreadfully boring 2008 would have been without him and his stunning family.

i will continue to watch lots of movies. even more than last year. thank you netflix and amc and edward cinemas and bollywood cinema 6 and angelika.

if it snows one more time in houston i will fucking move someplace else. that was not funny.

i will help gaysin come out.

i will finally buy some anti virus for my laptop.

i will visit the motherland.

i will feed disco because i love him like a son.

2008-12-20T02:00:00.003-06:00

i have a new post for you but following the request of a fellow blogger mentioned in said post i have had to use the sicrit blog to publish it. see you there?

2008-12-17T22:51:00.009-06:00

blogging during a recession is hard. especially if you're a banker. this is when you dig into your savings also known as your gmail draft folder and copy paste some really old bs for the amusement of your blaudience in hopes that they will still love you and send you fan mail. mera saath doge blaudience?

to the person who googled "what does it mean when a tulsi plant dies" and was directed to my blog which was of no help: it means you need to water it fool. also if you rotate around it singing 'om bhur bhuvah svah' with a ba like person that helps too.
***

i met this lady today who is clearly obsessed with all things desi. she told me she goes to a masaale bhangra class. whatever that is! when she walked in it smelt like she had dunked herself in a tub of sandlewood oil. she asked if i knew how to do mindi. i was like um bindi?? and she was like no no mindi, like for your hands and i was ohh mehendi!! i've had it done before but i don't know how to do it and she was like oh well i'm getting it done this weekend for the first time, i'm so excited and i was like oh excellent.

see now there's this pressure to bring up something mindi bindi yoga or bhangra related every time i see her or she'll be disappointed. damn it i think i liked it better when everyone assumed i was hispanic. no no take that back. we don't want to go there. i don't want to be attacked again by some old hispanic couple who are ashamed to think i have chosen not to learn my native tongue. talking about people who love desi culture i met this super fun hair stylist recently who loves desi music. apparently he goes on you tube and searches for indian music and then dances or gives his roomate a relaxing massage depending on what plays. i swear this is what he said. other things he told me: that i look like the sort of person who could own my own business empire some day. i had almost decided to tip him well when he ruined it all by saying this business would have to be something boutiquey. all this two minutes after meeting me. also he told me his entire life story. his dreams for the future. and also that my hair was in terrible need of moisture and that i had come just in time for him to save it from dying a horrible death.
***

me singing along to the radio: hand me a sandwich..... sandwich......sandwich

concerned coworker: um that is not what they're' singing.

me: it's not?

cc: no! it's "my heart is damaged.......damaged.....damaged..."

me: no way! really?

cc: um yaa!

song in question by danny dee cane also known as p diddy's triplets.
***

i went to the mall today to get my eyebrows done. this threading thing seems to really be catching on here because there's always a line at the threading place. they have this system where you sign in and hang around till your name gets called or you sign in, walk around the mall for a bit and then come back and wait around until your name gets called. so that's what i did today except when i got back there was only one lady doing someone's eyebrows and this other pregnant lady was sitting in the empty chair i guess assuming she was next. i had just gotten back in line and this other lady, the one who i really like to get my eyebrowns done by came back and so naturally she looked in the book and called out the next name which was mine. pregnant lady looked like she had no intention whatsoever of getting up. eyebrow lady then showed her the book where clearly her name was after mine. pregnant lady was now glaring at me. still sitting mind you, but glaring. so were a few other people in line. almost to say you're not seriously going to make this poor woman get off the chair so you can get your eyebrows done first. suddenly i was the villain. people were mumbling and shaking their heads. i was like screw you all. i need to be someplace so i sat down as soon as prego wobbled off the chair. i mean just because someone's knocked up doesn't entitle them to get ahead of the line. see. there i go again. doing my civic duty. fighting for equality. yay me.
***

quick personal updates: i was almost deported. i manged to survive that.
while mother is out of the country brother is slowly turning the house into a homeless person/animal shelter.
gaysin has pierced both his ears and gotten a ghastly tatoo for his upcoming trip to india. im hoping he will put pics up on orkut.
i believe i saw santa today. the real santa. there was something about his eyes.
***

p.s. prabhu, yes it's okay to leave comments for posts written in 2007. i still see them.

p.p.s. happy birthday bikerdude. congratulations on turning the big 40.

i have more silly drafts sitting around. i may copy paste some more based on popular demand.

2008-11-16T20:53:00.003-06:00

life as a blind ish person is not easy. i have red eye. i woke up saturday morning and just had it. my left eye was all itchy and watery and generally annoying. i had to not wear contact lenses all weekend. now any normal person would pop on their pair of glasses except i haven't worn mine in a long time. in fact i haven't seen mine in a long time. turns out in the process of moving i had managed to crack one side and then not bothered to replace it.

i spent my saturday in bed. it was easier than you'd think. i woke up every now and then to put eye drops in my eye. very soothing they be. i even made it down the stairs to the kitchen. it helps when you know where everything is. then i wandered over to my couch where i listened to the tv for a bit. turns out my hand knows the remote like the back of my hand.

sunday though i couldn't survive. around late afternoon i had to come up with a temporary solution. some way to be able to watch 'desperate housewives' and 'brothers and sisters' later that night. i popped my contact lens into the one good eye and then managed to locate my pair of cracked glasses. then i was magically able to get the cracked piece to fall out completely so that one side was now completely glass free, all this without injuring myself. then i was able to wear my glasses because due to the fact that the side of the glass that still worked was also the side of my infected eye. at this point i was wearing glasses on one side and contacts on the other except my glasses were so old the power was kinda low. so i could sorta see but not very well. i tried watching tv through my new invention but it was very uncomfortable. i eventually took my glasses off and watched tv with one eye shut. it's harder than you think. i wished i was one of those people who used eye masks to sleep in. that way i could have just cut one eye out and been like a pirate. i also thought about putting cotton over one eye and taping it down with my 'finding nemo' band aids. after all this thinking i got tired. also it had been more than 24 hours since the infection had started. i decided my eye didn't look as red as it did yesterday so i went ahead and put my contact lenses back in. as we speak it's not burning or anything so yay.

i know you're all dying to come up with mean one liners and horrible punny titles to this post. go right ahead. i'm looking at you shenoy saar.

a part of what was promised..

2008-11-13T14:21:00.003-06:00

ill get right to it. the new coldplay cd, well it's not really new but it's the last one that came out. anyway i like it and all.. it's just that every time i listen to it something bad happens. twice i have gotten lost while the cd was playing, leading to two different toll violations. another time i was almost haunted. mostly all the bad things that have happened have been driving related but last tuesday i didnt want to take any chances so as i backed my car out of the office parking lot and the evil cd started to play i stopped and did the right thing. i changed the music to something more how you say [?] hopeful and then proceeded to drive home. and that's how obama won.

okay also i helped people decide who they needed to vote for. like my mother. and people at work who don't watch the news. my mother watches the news [mostly anderson cooper because he comes on right after her lifetime movie is over] i just help break it down for her. also i helped clear any doubts she had about emails crazy ladies from her church kept forwarding her. then i registered her to vote and did a dry run with her before she went down to the polling place. there was some confusion about choosing democrat the whole way and then clicking on obama's name for president and those two things cancelling each other out. anyway by the time she and her sister went out to vote they were well trained. yay them!

at work there was this one fool who was convinced she would be arrested if she showed up to vote because of her unpaid parking tickets. first i told her she was stupid to believe that. then i gave her a lecture about setting a good example for all four of her kids. it worked. she went. she was unable to provide me with her 'i voted' sticker so i dont know for sure but ill take her word for it.

so see obama people, i did everything you asked me to do. and more. so please stop sending me email. it's all done. we did it. unless the president elect wants to see me personally i dont need updates. i get those from olbermann. also from that maddow girl who i might have a tv crush on.

coming soon -

2008-11-05T16:59:00.006-06:00

disco's reaction to the obama victory and what this means for liberal fish everywhere.
how disco thinks he might be related to jesse jackson.
how disco's mommy thinks she contributed to the victory.
dada's last test :(
vacation stories etc..

this fake post is an attempt to encourage bloggers everywhere to come out of hibernation. or just come out.
yes we can!

happy birthday ananda enanda.

2008-10-10T15:16:00.001-05:00

is there such a thing as carom board powder because i swear just now i could smell it on this guy. i wanted to warn him of the possibility of a skin rash but i wasnt sure if he would know what carom board powder was or even what a carom board was. also maybe my family was cheap and used regular powder the whole time we were kids. i might never find out.

raise your hand if you think this is deep enough for a postsecret entry.

nick and norah's infinite playlist and meeting vip bloggers.

2008-10-05T18:34:00.006-05:00

sigh. this movie is very special. it is sweet and funny and smart. the entire cast is adorable - nick and norah, nick's gay band mates, norah's drunk and unbelievably gross best friend, the couple making out in the backseat of the car, the car, the solo dancing idiot, devendra banhart and his equally ridiculous friend at the store, man unwilling to part with turkey sandwich, man at ticket counter, smoking jesus, the music [richard hawley, we are scientists], ny city at night. really. all adorable. but especially nick and norah. they're musical soulmates and they're perfect for each other. i love how all of nick's friends know instantly that norah is the one for their friend and they have accessories in the back of their van to help her shine*. i love the moments in the studio and in the car and in the van and on the escalator.

you know a movie's good when you're smiling for the entire duration of it and you want it to go on a little bit longer. you can watch some clips here here and here but i suggest you go watch the whole thing. and no it's not too young for you. unless you're like 30. :)

in other devastating news i just found out my most favourite billboard is gone. what used to be 'need laser? call 713 R U HAIRY' is now 'pregnant? scared? you're not alone'. sniff. i miss that billboard. it made me giggle every evening on my way home from work. and most importantly it reminded me of koodal karen.

in blogger news i got to meet the very famous puppy manohar. i realized too late that i had forgotten to carry my autograph book with me so he is just going to have to fax me a copy. we ate some decent south indian food while i quizzed him on the whereabouts and other um choices of baby vyjayanti. then kp our designated driver showed us around various side streets of houston that were still without power after the hurricane and were therefore pitch dark and filled with tree debris. after the fun sightseeing we attempted to watch 'burn after reading' from some bucket seats whilst trying not to go squint. all in all a very fun evening. [we link to kp in the hopes that someone will appreciate his genius writing skills]

also i realize it's kind of late to talk about the emmys but someone asked so yeah i did watch and yeah i cheered when tina fey and 30 rock won again. my most favourite dress was heidi klum. not the silver grey red carpet one but the yellow grey one she wore while hosting. she changed like 8 times so you might have missed it but it was beautiful this dress. like a painting. later on i found out it was a christian siriano dress. see.

p.s. movie theater pretzels suck. also do not be fooled into buying the new wrigleys doublemint cute pack. sure it has a cool flap but it don't taste the same. weird and grainy is not the same.

*shine = lift and separate her boobs.

happy fall.

lettuce come together brown people.

2008-09-16T19:59:00.007-05:00

kindly be seeing.

with regard to sepia mutiny [and the other desi group blogs that seem to follow a similar pattern] i think it's hysterical how obsessed they've become with discovering potential candidates to accuse of racism and stereotyping. i mean anything any white person says about brown people is scrutinized until through some weird logic it is proven to be offensive.

what amazes me tremendously is their ability to spot all these random desi people in the background at some political rally or on some 2 minute spot on tv. you'd think they have some type of special application on their tivo to pause every time it sees brown. i mean i watch a lot of tv but holy crap did you know there was recently a brown person "representing" us on a cooking reality show for all of 20 minutes after which they were tragically eliminated thus dashing a billion hopes whilst managing to leave a crack in the glass ceiling for future desi chefs who want to be on reality tv. i'm surprised they didn't start some type of online petition protesting the cut.

also at the bottom of their page it says and i'm not making this up - "to prevent comment spam, please type the word brown below". and it doesnt work if you type wheatish complexioned.

it's time for a gtalk talk post. warning: all gtalk talk posts are extremely silly.

2008-09-16T01:26:00.003-05:00

Siddharth's new status message - I wish I could live in the dream that I fly on tarred & feathered wings 12:36 AM

me: wtf does that mean?

me: why tarred and feathered?

why not tarred and glittered?

Siddharth: you don't know tarred and feathered aa?

me: no

Siddharth: in the olden days if you were accused of something

me: they cut your head off yes?

Siddharth: they would put a vat of tar on you and then put feathers and make you go around the city

AND THEN cut your head off

me: dont lie. they didnt have tar back then

they didn't have roads

me: u know when ppl say india zindabad

pakistan murdabad

i always get confused

Siddharth: yes

me: if they say zindabad it's good

and if they say murdabad it's bad no?
Siddharth: good doubt

me: good doubt it seems

Siddharth: you know

i didn't know what dhedh and dhai difference was

i kept getting confused

and then one movie released called dhai akshar prem ke

and i knew there were two and a half letters in the hindi prem

so that's how i know

me: omfg

dhai akshar prem ke

is also how i learnt that they have special words for half numbers

Siddharth: im glad you are my pgf

me: first of all their whole numbers are so hard

like in normal languages if u know 1 to 19

Siddharth: i dont know after 25

Siddharth: yes yes

me: and then 20 30 40 etc u can do the rest

Siddharth: yes yes

me: but in hindi it's so random

Siddharth: exactly

i know ninyanave

because it's always ek sow ninyanave

isn't that the coolest word?

ninyanave

me: i know shoonya

because on that surabhi show on dd

remember with renuka shahane?

she used to read the postal address

Siddharth: heheheehe

i know
you know what decimal point is?

me: and it had so many shoonyas in it

Siddharth: i know

decimal is dhashamlau

because temperature in chennai is always chaalees dhasamlau nou

me: heh

paapa chennai peoples

Siddharth: http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_Wn___Ao8fQ4/SMXDmN6oDsI/AAAAAAAAAQE/jc9wK8Cgavc/s1600-h/P1010144.JPG

me: hehe. i know

Siddharth: are you shitting me?

me: i'm sure they looked less cheap greeting card in person

me: tell me abt zindabad murdabad

u know the diff?

Siddharth: murd sounds like murder

and zinda means living
does that help?
me: yes yes
Pri's new status message - 'lehman brothers murdabad tiwari brothers zindabad' 1:13 AM
Siddarth: who are the lehman brothers?
me: nobody

after today

muahahahaa

p.s. no offense meant to blogger linked. the flowers you pick don't make you who you are.

my hurricane story

2008-09-15T01:26:00.005-05:00

preparation -

i prepare for the hurricane by stocking up on burts bees wax chapstick and nivea. there are no long lines at walgreens unlike at the grocery store and the gas station.

brother stocks the refrigerator with beer and ice cream.

mother starts storing water in every available pot. this after both bathtubs have been filled with water. all this water storage reminds her of her childhood. i point to anderson cooper on tv before she starts one of her 'when we were young' stories.

the night before - brother plays the piano in the garage with the garage door up even though it has started to rain. i make comment about brother being like the captain of the titanic willing to go down with his ship. mother insists i go take a picture of him in the garage. further comments about him floating off on his piano stool are not appreciated by mother. brother doesn't take any warning seriously. he wanders around the neighborhood looking to save cats and other traumatized animals while mother yells for him to get back inside.

the night of the hurricane i decide it would be wise to sleep in the coridoor. my bed is right near the window and right outside the window is a massive tree. i search for my rosary which i am unable to detach from my earphones and place it under my pillow. i sleep for a bit and wake up when i hear a loud noise. brother points to a metal roof on the other side of the street about to lift off and crash into a nearby window or car of its choice. we watch for a while, get bored and look to the television for more dramatic pictures. the power keeps going off so i go back to sleep. and i sleep good too. with dreams and stuff. i distinctly remember turquoise earings and shopping with sunnu. i wake up saturday morning when dad calls and proceed to check if my tv made it through the night. it did. my directv international dish is still in place. i doubt the internet will work. it would be asking for too much. but omg i can see google! i put my rosary away.

saturday morning -

gaysin calls. you guys have power?

yeah.

gaysin - what? we lost power this morning.

oh.

gaysin - you'll probably lose power too. they're saying most people will lose power.

well the hurricane's gone so..

gaysin - yeah but they're saying everyone will lose power.

right... how about i inform you once we lose it?

saturday afternoon -

mother [yelling from upstairs] have you seen anderson cooper?

what?

mother - have you seen him? because i haven't seen him since last night.

im sure he's fine ma.

mother - ya but he was reporting from downtown houston last night and that's where all those glass buildings were.

i'm sure anderson is smart enough to get out of the way of falling glass.

mother - but he hasnt reported since last night. it's afternoon now.

good god mother. im sure cnn would have said something is he were dead.

every 30 mins or so gaysin and his mother call in to check if we still have power.

dude we still have power. we still have cable. we still have the internet.

gaysin - internet also? oh.

like i said. i will inform you once we lose power. okay?

gaysin calls while i'm painting my toe nails.

gaysin calls while im watching dan in real life.

STILL HAVE IT!

ma why do they keep calling?

ma: i dont know. they're bored without electrictity. you think i should invite them to come here?

oh god no!

gaysin calls again - you'll dont have water is it?

bahhhhh! the pressure is very low.

gaysin - yeah we just spoke to aunty d [this person lives on the other side of the planet by the way] and she was saying you guys didnt have water.

yes yes no water here.

gaysin - didnt you guys fill up your bathtubs?

we did. we're fine.

gaysin - oh okay. we have water here.

excellent.

and before you know it it's the end of the weekend and i have to be at work tomorrow. sniff.

oh and disco's okay too.

tina fey got almost everything right. flesh coloured lipstick would have completed the look.

2008-09-14T12:30:00.002-05:00

holy crap it's been so long blogger even looks different.

2008-09-09T19:42:00.008-05:00

warning: i wrote like 75% of this post weeks ago. then i got lazy and forgot all about it. today i decided i might as well publish it and so i dug it out and did this hurried two minute ending. sorry but thanks for being all patient and adoring. sniff. okay here.

i've been a lazy blogger these last couple of weeks partly because i was on vacation and then i was exhausted from all the vacationing. it wasn't your traditional vacation. i had to drive my new car down from la to houston. it took three days. i was by myself. it was fun but tiring. i only got lost twice which is shocking if you know me because i get lost easy. i dropped my uncle and his family at the airport and got on to the highway. i had been told that it would be one straight road the whole way so i was like sure why not, any fool can do this. forty minutes later i found I-10 closed due to road construction. it was way too early to be lost. i had to randomly select from the remaining two open roads and i picked one and kept driving in the hopes that eventually it would meet up with I-10. ten minutes later i was driving to nowhere so i took an exit. i stopped for breakfast at a mcdonalds where no one could speak english. i was handed splenda, sweet and low and ketchup before i finally got the sugar i asked for. then i drove around on the street looking for a hair place. i saw two. both were closed. i was mad because according to their door sign they were supposed to be open at this hour. it was only much later that i realized it was sunday. anyway having woken up at 4 in the morning to drop family at the airport i hadn't had the time to wash my hair so it was all flat and oily. i wanted happy bouncy hair for this trip because damn it i was in la. or at least i was driving through la. what if i bumped into seacrast at a signal? anyway this kind man at the gas station gave me good directions and i was back on i 10. i drove through la and out of california and into arizona which wasnt very pretty. mostly desert. i passed mountains, cacti, the occasional fly. it wasn't very fascinating but it was cool. just me, my music and some 18 cups of coffee.

i stopped in phoenix arizona. some place called baseline. and now this makes no sense but since baseline was a big road in boulder i figured it should be a decent road in arizona and of course i turn the corner and see a hair place that was open. i was stoked. the lady inside looked at me all strange. you just want me to wash your hair? mm hmm. and she did and she blow dried it too and it was all happy and bouncy again. 3 bucks totally well spent. i asked her if there was a starbucks close by and she said yeah in the mall. i had heard enough. i proceeded to find this mall which was just down the street. i ended up spending over an hour at the neiman marcus outlet store. see this was precisely why i had decided to do this drive thing by myself. this freedom to stop wherever for however long i wanted. i drove a couple more hours and stayed the night at a best western motel. it looked decent. plus they had free wireless and breakfast. i called mother and gave her all the information she requested. the physical address and exact location of said motel. what direction my room was facing, the dude at the counter's name. my room number, the hotel telephone number. any bit of information i could give her she would take. the poor lady has watched way too many lifetime movies. she probably didn't sleep very well that first night. i did. i made it just in time for the breakfast buffet. i was not going to miss a free buffet. you know the thing about these free breakfasts is when they say between 6 and 9 they're not kidding. if you show up at 8:55 like i did they've already started clearing stuff up. this lady was like hi honey, let me know if you want anything more from this platter before i clear it up. i was like um how bout you just leave everything here until i'm done. i didn't actually say that. i was like um ill have a muffin. i also ate the eggs and some bread and butter and coffee and some other sweet honey bun or something. then i set off. i stopped only to fill gas and pee. i had been advised not to use the rest area restrooms in arizona. something about giant scorpions.

the second day was not as fun. driving in 105 degree weather isnt much fun even with the a/c on full blast. i drove through new mexico and into texas which psychologically felt like i was getting closer to my destination but really texas is a huge ass place and i was maybe half done. that evening i planned to break around 8:30 but two things happened. one we were into central time zone so just like that i lost two hours. and two i was driving and driving and i could not see civilization. also it was getting super dark. at one point i finally saw a sign that said lodging next exit so i took the exit. right at the corner there was a car parked and a man was standing around looking very lost. he came up to my car and was trying to say something to me. i couldn't hear him because my window was up and i was not going to lower it for him. then the fool tried to open my door. i was like okay this is creepy and sped off. poor man, i'm pretty sure he was just lost. oh well. then i continued driving looking for some type of motel and i passed a cemetery and of course that's always reassuring. i finally saw a couple of lodges but they looked shady. they werent the standardized motels you see everywhere so i turned around and got back on the highway, i had to drive another couple of hours until i came to a city. i was a little freaked out after passing the cemetery so i started to imagine things. at one point i swore i saw something in my rear-view mirror. something, not some one. like a ghost type thing. and then i heard a noise so i was totally freaked out. i quickly reached into my bag for my rosary. the good catholic girl that i am, i always carry one of those around for exactly this type of scenario. anyway the noise turned out to be the a/c blowing on my bag of chips. and the ghost type thing we'll never know. eventually i reached a normal looking town. i called mother and went straight to bed. it was way past ten by the time i checked out the next morning.

day three wasn't as terrible as day two mostly because i was determined it would be my last day of driving. it was pretty uneventful. i stopped every couple of hours. got coffee, washed my face, did some local sight seeing by which i mean i went searching for this nail place that was lovely and all but sadly couldn't accommodate me for another 5 hours. apparently this lady was the only manicurist in the entire town. she told me to come back at 6 o'clock that evening. i was like um ill be in san antonio by 6 o'clock. anyway i got to drink some really good coffee at this one small restaurant. the lady even warmed up milk for me. then i drove some more wishing i owned more music. i had already listened to everything i owned. just when i was about to doze off i realized there were signs instructing all traffic to exit the highway. it was border patrol. they were stopping people and checking stuff. just like in the movies. mostly cars were driving by real slow. when it came to my turn the guy instructed me to stop. he stared at the insides of my car. to be fair it looked like i was running away from my country. i had suitcases and towels and food thrown around the back seat. that and apparently i appear hispanic. the guy was like where are you going and where are you coming from and are you a citizen of the united states. i was giggling at this point and he looked confused. eventually he let me go when he realized i was indian and not hispanic. he was like oh india. well okay then, drive safe. so i drove some more and then i saw this beautiful sunset and then i was home. to my bed and my couch and my shoes.

p.s. i am officially taking randeep hooda off my to do list. for one something tragic has happened to his face. he doesn't look like my rahul idiot from monsoon wedding anymore. also i saw this interview with him on mtv with anoushka and that girl from 'rock on' who i adore by the way and the whole time he was just being so incredibly annoying and interruptive and unfunny. he wouldn't let anyone else talk.

p.p.s. in other news i'm so over these damn hurricanes. the next one headed to houston is called ike. what kind of name is that? i refuse to be afraid of something named ike. now gustav i get. i was terrified of gustav. that and cnn kept saying how it could be the worst thing in the history of the universe. if there really were an order to evacuate i don't know how i'd pack. i couldn't not take all my stuff. i love all my stuff equally. okay some more than others but i dont have the time to seperate them into order of importance. sure i could probably fit most of my personal items in my car but then i'd have to leave my family behind. i feel bad for the people with the kids and the pets. oh well.

p.p.p.s. apparently interruptive isn't a real word. i think it sounds just fine.

2008-08-08T00:37:00.004-05:00

since watching pineapple express 24 hours ago i have fallen madly in love with james franco. he would make the perfect neighbour don't you think? at least his character in the movie would. the movie itself wasn't extraordinary or anything but that being said i was totally cracking up the whole time. i left the theater feeling a little high. i would not have been surprised to turn around and find somebody smoking a joint behind me. it was that kind of audience. and yes everyone clapped at the end of the movie. the last time that happened was after 'akeelah and the bee' mostly due to mother who stood up, wiped a tear and started to applaud which then motivated the 5 other people in the theater to join in.

talking about mother she went to watch 'mama mia' again today along with her sister and a bunch of other auntyjees, all ardent abba fans. i refused to go with her both times. the first time she was mad because her sister who she was depending on to go with watched it first day first show with gaysin who had apparently booked tickets weeks in advance. i felt bad for mother but what can i say, i have barely recovered from watching mama mia the musical a couple of years ago. i was sitting between my parents, both of whom were singing along completely off key to the lyrics. i was so glad they had dimmed the lights.

also in response to all 8 of your comments - it is my birthday month. bestow me with your wishes bitches. muah.

it's our favourite month of the year. also our favourite day of the week.

2008-08-01T20:30:00.003-05:00

i will be back soon. i'll tell you about the ridiculously long drive back. and the border patrol force who interrogated me. also creepy man on roadside laying hands on shiny new car. also shiny new car. and getting your hair washed for 3 bucks. and the lady with the only nail salon in her town. and things i thought i saw in my rearview mirror. and why there's a piano in our garage. and how it's not fair to fine someone when it's clearly obvious that the only reason they took the ez toll was because they were lost. while you wait patiently for all that and more here's what makes him happy.

2008-07-18T01:27:00.004-05:00

we were suddenly inspired to do a post on the sicrit blog. hehe. we feel evil.

if you're special and you have an invite please to enjoy. if you don't have an invite email me at bengloorgirlindenver@gmail.com. if you have asked for an invite and haven't received one yet chances are you are what inspired us to revive the dead blog so kindly go cry into a keyboard somewhere.

awwww such a brave little girl. i would be devastated if my disco died.

2008-07-17T00:38:00.002-05:00

mother took a break this week from forwarding me warning emails about potential muggers in target parking lots and musical greeting cards with scenic backgrounds and/or babies dressed as various animals/fruits to show me instead this video. apparently it's all the rage with internet savvy desi auntyjees.

mother and black people

2008-07-11T01:05:00.003-05:00

i'm just going to say it. mother is prejudiced towards black people. over the years she has come to believe that all the black people are after all the indian people's jewelery. she panics when we're out at night and she sees a black man in the distance. she starts running towards the car and will check the locks over and over again. this is not a laughing matter but her reaction cracks me up.

anyway brother has made a new friend and he's black. a fellow artist he met someplace. i've met the guy and yes he absolutely looks like he just escaped from prison but that doesn't necessarily make him a criminal. anyway he came over the other day and mother was introduced to him. she served him a snack and came right over to the living room where i was, to check with me if he made me nervous. i was like no ma, you're mad. go watch your lifetime movie but she was seriously panicking. the whole time he was here she kept checking to make sure all her precious dolls were still in the showcase. all i cared about was the tv and i was watching it so i wasn't worried.

anyway the guy came over again last night and stayed pretty late. around 11ish mother calls brother on his cell phone, asks him to come upstairs and proceeds to give him a lecture on this unacceptable situation. apparently she said something along the lines of "but you barely know him, aren't you bothered about our safety?" at this point brother, usually the polite respectful one, told her to lock her door if she was scared. bravo brother! so now there's this tension between the two and me being the delightful daughter and sister that i am have decided mother needs to get over this ridiculousness. y'all remember raven? i have decided to invite her over along with her mum, sister and baby for a meal. i've met her family. they're fun and seem like nice people so i went ahead and did a sort of pre invite, basically letting them know that i would be inviting them over shortly but now that i'm thinking about it i feel like i might have rushed into it a little. see raven is not the issue. it's her mum i'm worried about. she is known to show lots of boobage and you know how easily desi people are scandalized. they will cover their mouths in shock and shake their heads. i have been advised by bikerdude to wrap her in a shawl the minute she walks in the door and tell her it is some type of welcoming the guest tradition and i might seriously consider doing this.

the other thing is her mum is always talking about some hot man she just met. the other day she was telling me about these two indian guys she dated back in the day. i was like two indian guys? that's more than me! also with the baby being there mother might want to know where the baby daddy is and where her sister works. the answer to those two questions is 'somewhere around' and 'no where at the moment' respectively. you see what i'm saying? i don't want to invite this family over and just reinforce the stereotype mother is used to seeing on tv. ugh it's so complicated. i don't know what to do but mother has got to learn. i will figure this out and keep you guys posted.

p.s. if this goes well i'm going to invite gaybour over along with his "roommate" because that's another thing mother needs to get over. and brother too. like a lot of indian men he's homophobic and we need to cure that pronto. there's no knowing when gaysin will decide to out himself. look at me! tackling one social issue at a time. now hand me my nobel prize.

who do i have to marry to get my own televison channel?

2008-07-11T00:01:00.003-05:00

as your tv watching favourite blogger i feel like now would be a good time to tell you what shows you need to be watching this summer because i realize summer tv choices aren't as choicy. it's true, the networks give us b grade crap to watch between the months of april and september. i don't get it. just because it's nice out do they assume we're all going to simultaneously jump off of our couches and head to the park? anyway there is no need to worry. i am here to help. and at absolutely no cost. all i ask is you give disco and obama your blessing.

alright starting off with this weekend, miss universe is on sunday night in the us and at some unearthly hour in india and in vietnam where it is being held. i recommend you watch it. last year was bloody brilliant. this time round we have a miss india who doesn't really look indian. i'd believe you if you told me she was latina or some type of middle eastern/european blend. she alright though. did well in a couple of preliminary rounds. my three step plan for her to take the title is as follows.

1. keep the hair down. let me clear up this misconception people seem to have about the air hostess bun. it is not a good luck charm for miss india. seriously. the stretched forehead look went out in the mid nineties. along with the white gloves.

2. go easy on the drag queen make up.

3. try not to fall on your ass. if at any time you find yourself falling reach out for miss usa. that bitch looks strong. plus everyone's so sure she's going to win this year and we don't like it when everyone's right. that and we'd really like to see a well coordinated group fall.

for detailed analysis go here. [warning: these guys are REALLY into it.]

next if you like funny people you need to be watching last comic standing. however i recommend you only watch the last 30 minutes of every show. this is the time they have so kindly allotted for joke telling. the first ninety minutes are mostly fillers. their most favourite filler is "coming up after the break". it's like why don't you just take the damn break and come back instead of this pre break post break sneak peak. that and they love wasting time with the whole secret voting thing after which they will show everyone, including the contestants, the tapes they have just recorded. it makes absolutely no sense. then there's the bitching and the i'm funnier than you type arguments. today they even wasted 10 minutes getting to the damn voting area. the drive there, their reactions on the chosen location, the comics taking their seats, papa cj apologizing to some chick because he just voted for her. gahhhhh! he's totally getting on my nerves. damn it i wish that varghese boy had made it instead.

now if like me you prefer more jokes per minute watch kathy griffin instead. her show is on thursdays. last comic standing is on at the same time but bravo has this weird thing they do where they'll show you a show and then repeat it like right away, so it's cool, you can watch both shows. also kathy's assistants are super fun. one of the girls has by the far the most infectious laugh on cable tv. [anyone watch the episode where the entire team flies to ireland with her dad's ashes and end up at his favourite pub where along with the locals they drink in his memory. sniff. it was so sweet. now all of a sudden i feel like breaking into "talli... mein talli.... mein talli ho gayi..." how awesome is that song? and mallika sherawat looks normal. sweet even.

anyway not to forget the biggest summer show on tv - the olympics!

bwahahahahaha. of course i was kidding. who wants to watch a bunch of sweaty people in spandex who constantly look like they're in great pain. instead i would suggest you watch spandex free project runway. it starts in 6 days. woo hoo!

as i type this brother is playing eye of the tiger on his guitar. i am very disturbed.

hump day stories

2008-07-09T13:21:00.004-05:00

i just found out this lame ass woman won a bunch of money in our inter office photo contest. the winning picture is of her 5 year old eating watermelon. the kid isnt particularly good looking or anything, plus you can totally tell she's fake posing. i feel robbed even though i never entered the stupid contest.

in other news this incredibly happy man with giant manboobs just said to me "i had an easy subtraction error this morning so obviously im all like woo hoooo." i have no idea what the fool was talking about and i was definitely not going to ask so i made my half second laughing noise and he left. yeah. super weird.

you take care now blaudience while i get back to my fascinating life where i sit around dreaming about my upcoming vacation. 2 weeks to go bitch. woo hoo!

also my comic discovery of the month from this season's last comic standing [and no it's not papa cj the token desi on the show who might be funny if he would quit singing all of his jokes] is this fool - paul foot. youtube him.

i see orange people

2008-07-08T09:59:00.008-05:00

american women have been wearing makeup for years now [and by makeup i mean full makeup] so they think they know what they're doing. the current most popular look for a modern woman is the clean 'no makeup' look which is fine except on the way to looking not made up they end up looking biracial. let me explain. after the liquid foundation/mineral makeup powder has been set and the evening of the skin tone has taken place there is this natural bronzing step that follows. you are told to apply the bronzer where the sun naturally hits your cheek. apparently there's this one part of the cheek that the sun is supposed to hit but turns out the sun doesn't know shit and so you must do its job for it. once your cheek has been bronzed it must be blushed. that way it looks like you just tasted your desi colleague's thenginkaayi chutney while simultaneously spotting your office crush. tres natural. other ways to attain this look - calling your desi colleague 'appu'. this method works best. the redness will stay all day.

moving on to the next step, and to the most important part of the face - the eyes. more specifically the brightening of the eyes. look up eye brighteners - they're all the rage. so basically some type of eye brightener is applied along with a shiny white powder in the area surrounding the eyes. this is to make your eyes pop. [other ways to make your eyes pop - matching your necklace to your eye colour, colouring your hair red, using blue eyeliner thereby making the whitepart of your eyes whiter. yes i watch lots of makeover type shows] this will leave you with a slightly pale complexion on 50% of your face. about 20% of your face will be naturally orange and for upto 3 inches below the eyes you're rocking the albino look. wonderful. you now look wide awake. the mascara in your eyelashes whilst making your eyes appear super big also make you look slightly hillary clinton-esque. but we're not done yet because no modern woman's look is complete without the lip gloss. matte lipstick is so your mother. and her mother. not you. your lips must stay shiny all day. and we're not just talking a little shiny. your lips must act as natural mirrors reflecting the sun's rays. see this is how you get it to bounce off onto your cheekbones. the thing about super shiny lip gloss - 1. you look like a natural bimbo without even opening your mouth. and 2. there's this strange unexplained correlation between super shiny lips and a permanent pout.

for perfect examples of this type of makeup see your local newscaster. also the people from e news. but they're from la and everyone's that shade of orange there so they're cool.

p.s. while our american counterparts are trying to replicate all the colours of the rainbow on their face we in india are only trying to get to one shade - white. nonsense rubbish.

never mind. i just saw the new priyanka chopra ad where you can pick what shade of white you want to be. pale white or pinkish white.

picture courtesy bikerdodanna.

and now for some completely useless trivia....

2008-07-06T00:30:00.004-05:00

that new kid from jaane tu ya jaane na [the one you're too embarrassed to admit you have a crush on] is going out with this chick [i know this because i look at what people wear to red carpet premieres] who i spotted in an ill fitting blue shiny number holding hands with our hero for no apparent reason. i then reached deep into the television archives of my brain, way back to the nineties for sony entertainment television programming and voila i recognized said girl. she used to be on that show 'just mohabbat'. raise your hand if you had a crush on jai. anyway now that i've watched the movie and fallen in love with it [any movie starring best friends who fall in love has my vote especially if boy best friend has bushy eyebrows] i realized that jai and aditi the central characters in this movie happen to share names with the central characters on just mohabbat.

that's all i've got.

p.s. is there a way i could possibly make some money from all of this knowledge accumulated in my brain from all these years of tv viewing. it will come in handy some day no?

p.p.s. the loner brother in jaane tu ya jaane na [one of my favourite characters in the movie] is supposedly raj babbar's son. more importantly smita patil's son. we like muchly.

2008-07-01T17:43:00.006-05:00

raven from work has a bit of a situation. she is looking for a good stylist who can cut and perm her hair, only she doesn’t know how to ask said person over the phone if they cut black peoples' hair. now this is an important question to ask because nobody wants someone experimenting on their hair but i get how it might be slightly awkward to bring it up. that and raven is shy. but more importantly raven doesn’t talk black. in fact raven has often been described as the whitest black girl you will ever meet. this doesn’t mean raven talks white. raven is just raven. she has what you would call an indeterminate accent and for the seven months or so that i have known her she has only spoken in one tone. one very very low tone. even her laughter tends to be in the same tone which has lead to much horror for virgin listeners.

anyway me being the wonderfully helpful co worker that i am, offered a creative solution to her problem.

"look it's really simple. you just want to convey to the other person that you're black, that way they can tell you if they're qualified to do a good job with your hair or not. so all you have to do is call and be like hey girrrrrrrrrrrrrl! wasssup? this is shaneequa and i was just calling to axe you if you could cut my hair."

i also suggested she play hip hop music in the background.

she decided my recommendation although hysterical [she made me do my fake black accent for the rest of the office] was highly useless and so she called her mother instead. her mum told her to just directly ask if they did african american hair. she also added "but girl, if you hear an asian accent at the other end of the phone you better hang the eff up."

this morning raven was all happy because she had managed to get herself an appointment.

me: ooh how did you do it?

raven: oh my mum called the lady for me.

me: really? so how did she ask her?

raven: oh. she's already black.

me: okay then. i guess that solves that.

raven: oh and the place is called ‘baby girl’s hottest styles’.

me: bwahahahaha. i wouldn’t worry about it then.

2008-06-28T11:31:00.002-05:00

we're tired, disco and me. YOU entertain us. got any good blogger gossip? or let's pretend the year is 1999 and this is an icq chat room. remember those?

dasavataleharate - some questions for whoever else paid cash money to go watch this crap.

2008-06-16T11:00:00.002-05:00

1. why was giant ear-holed ajji clinging to the body of clay faced jaggesh lookalike at the end? does anyone know what that was about? did she assume they were related since they both had chapathi hittu faces?

2. this asin person, will she be giving up her acting career soon in order to marry some type of south indian producer/director? i'm just saying this would be one instance where i would absolutely support the giving up of a career to contribute to marital bliss.

3. wasn't jay leno's appearance like such an awesome surprise? who knew he could act?

4. how many monkeys do you think were killed during the making of this movie?

5. was anyone else disappointed that jayalalitha was played by jayalalitha?

6. how many tamil speaking japanese women do you think auditioned for the role of the hero's traitor friend's wife with the kick boxing talent?

7. do you think jains and parsis everywhere are offended that kamal didn't take the time to stereotype someone from their community?

8. the part about the cancer being destroyed by the bullet, that was by far my most favourite idea stolen from another b grade movie.

9. can i sue funasia cinemas for not informing me prior to entering the movie hall that the movie was in telugu and that it had no subtitles?

10. did anyone else take the day off to recuperate from this movie? no? just me? it's mother's birthday also so i had two reasons.

p.s. guess what today is? the premiere of weeds season 4. i have no idea why but i get showtime now. i'm not subscribed to it or anything but it's working so i get to watch weeds tonight. omg i'm going to die. the excitement is killing me. suck it khal.

alright alright ill record it and mail it to you if you beg.

oh and 'the happening'. loved it. shymalan wasn't in it though which made me very upset. other reasons i was upset - i had to sit on the stairs [carpeted and all with a little bit of pop corn thrown in for decoration/or emergency snack] because there were no seats left, which was why they weren't selling tickets to the show anymore but brother and i being as determined as we were to watch it bought tickets to kung fu panda and snuck into 'the happening' anyway. totally worth it.

2008-06-10T23:40:00.006-05:00

you know how at the bottom of a web page it'll sometimes say 'previous entries'? well for some reason every time i see one of those i think it says 'previous entrées' and then i get really hungry. does this happen to anyone else?

also why didn't anyone tell me i was insane to think driving from la to denver and denver to houston would be a fantastic idea? i just mapquested it and turns out i can save 9 hours if i just drove from la to houston. i could just fly to denver on the way to la. see! much simpler. thanks for nothing blaudience.

kp - contact baby vyjayanti and puppy manohar asap. they're supposed to set us up since we're the same person and all. [p.s. do you have a ba type person in your family who can make awesome besan ladoo?]

i hung out with three little kids today for almost 20 minutes and i did not have the urge to pick one up and fling it across the room. not even when one threw a tissue at me. not even when one was like "where are your kids?" and i was like "what? do i look old enough to have kids?" and she was like "yeah." not even then. what the hell is wrong with me? when did i suddenly learn to be patient and appreciate little people? [rbr this does not mean i want to have babies. please do not offer me any sperm.]

overheard at the office

2008-06-10T15:21:00.002-05:00

male co worker - so have you gotten it done yet?

female co worker - no. i'm still waiting. maybe in a few weeks.

you should just do it.

yeah. i mean i really want to.

so you're just gonna wait till you're hotter?

hehe. no! [brushes hair to side]

at this point i'm dying to know what they're talking about. i've already come up with a dozen or so inappropriate subjects that they could be discussing. a boob job [not that she needs one] some type of body piercing. i did not however think it was the air conditioning in her car. oh and apparently he said "wait till it's hotter" not "wait till you're hotter."

it's 8pm and cnn has a projection

2008-06-03T20:01:00.006-05:00

Dear Barack Obama,

yay!!!!

luv,

disco and pri.

p.s. don't pick her as your running mate. i know they'll try to talk you into it but don't do it. you don't need her. you have disco and me. and olbermann.

SATC

2008-06-02T01:36:00.004-05:00

i just got back from watching the sex and the city movie. i highly recommend it. the fashion is fabulous. you will want everything. well almost everything.

first of all the blue manolo blahniks were beaUtiful.

i loved them the moment i saw her take them out of the box and i was glad they got to play an important role in the movie. right at the end mother got all excited. she was like ooh do you think he hid the ring in the shoe? it's kind of sad when you have to explain to someone that the shoe IS the ring.

i counted 4 boys in the entire theatre. the one in my row was shhhed by the girlfriend when he snickered at an inappropriate moment. i was curious to find out what he had been promised in exchange for showing up.

our audience was very vocal right from the start. there were lots of oohs and aaahs and awwwwing and gasping at various stages of the movie. 'even HBO presents' got loud applause. mother added to the noise level with her comments. according to her every other outfit was "OUTRAGEOUS!" and "TOO MUCH, MY GOD!". she did say she liked the movie though except for all the sex parts. yes she was made aware of the title before we entered the hall and no she has never watched an episode of sex and the city.

charlotte's little chinese kid was super adorable.

samantha's hot naked neighbour was seriously hot!

i still don't get what's so great about big.

i decided at the end that i could potentially consider marriage [key word here being 'consider'] if it came with THAT closet. and i'm not even talking all her clothes, although that wouldn't be so terrible, but just that closet he built for her.

favourite fashion moments - the giant flower dress right at the beginning, charlotte's dress to the wedding plus all the stunning gowns for carrie's vogue shoot. i cannot believe she chose the vivienne westwood gown. it was my least favourite of the lot.

p.s. i changed my outfit twice before i left the house to watch this movie. then i decided i wasn't wearing enough colour so i decided to take along my printed silk dark green bag. i'm silly like that.

also after watching the movie i was inspired enough to dig out some heels to wear to work tomorrow. i usually wear pointy flats or ballet flats or some type of comfy sandals to work but tomorrow i will be wearing my heels. just for tomorrow. i feel like i owe it to them. them being fashionable people everywhere? i don't know. good nite.

kahin toh

2008-05-30T23:10:00.006-05:00

my current favourite song from 'jaane tu ya jaane na'. it's on my stickam player if you want to listen. click play on the right. vasundara das' part is my favourite.

saansein kho gayi hain kiski aanhon mein
main khogayi hun jane kiski baahon mein
manzilon se rahein dhundhti chali
aur kho gayi hai manzil kahin raahon mein

i've always liked her voice because it's very urban sounding if that makes any sense. it's not the typical filmi sugary sweet horribly high pitched flutiful voice we've grown accustomed to and more importantly she sounds believable for a youngish heroine. ~~plus she's easier to pull off in the car compared to say a shreya ghoshal.~~

p.s. how adorable is 'hey aditi'? also 'nazare churana'. damn it even 'pappu cant dance' is kind of catchy. ooh and the jazz song. lovely album. it's like they told rahman "make it fun and sweet and light" and he did just that.

alright good nite. muah.

update: never mind. just read baradwaj rangan's take on it. warning - his first sentence lasts an entire paragraph but it ends wonderfully. and by the way how awesome is rangan? every time i read his reviews i find myself nodding stupidly, going yeah yeah dude totally. how the hell do you always say things the way you say things? see that right there is being good at what you do.

mother is convinced the three mexican men who helped us move stole her precious sewing machine and four of her set of six wine glasses.

2008-05-25T23:39:00.003-05:00

happy memorial day weekend! don't you love holidays that fall on mondays? i spent my saturday sleeping. like seriously all day i napped. sunday morning i hung out with gaysin in front of the couch watching ntdv. we watched yediyurappa do his thing. we laughed every time he said gornamint instead of government. i letched at sreenivasan jain. so hot!

the majority of my sunday afternoon i spent inside a car with aunty, gaysin and mother. we had to drive an hour away to find this church mother has to go to next week for a wedding. she's on a roll with the wedding invites. anyway she wanted to practice driving there so she doesn't get lost next week. a dry run if you will. have you heard of such a thing? and she does this a lot too. it's ridiculous especially when the destination is like an hour away. once we found the church she wanted to practice driving to the reception hall. i was like well you could always follow someone from the wedding to the reception but she insisted on completing the dry run so we just let her drive. did i mention she wont go above 30? and i'm not allowed to play music because it's distracting. oh and she does this thing where just when she's about to change lanes she will first move in the opposite direction almost like she's making space to do a u turn onto the next lane. it's fucking scary and it's hard when your mind is going 'holy crap lady wtf are you doing?' but all you're allowed to say is maaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! and it's even harder trying to stay calm when you're starving. also i'm somehow supposed to be able to read aloud the names of the roads for her miles before we even reach the lights. this is just in case it happens to be the road she needs to turn on. also she prefers to be on the lane she's going to turn from even if said turn is ten miles away.

as soon as we located the reception place i made her get in the passenger seat and then drove at record speed to the pakistani buffet place where i met a lady washing her feet in the sink. true story. there i was washing my hands and this woman rolls up her pyjama and proceeds to put her leg in the sink and starts washing it. i stared at her in the mirror. i couldn't take my eyes of her and then we had this awkward moment when we made eye contact in the mirror after which i did not look up again. i dried my hands and ran out before she tried to attack me with her drippy foot.

lunch time conversation was fascinating. gaysin was bitching about the service as usual. he wants to start some type of etiquette program for desi waiters where he will help them with their grammar and customer service skills. things like how to smile and bow and explain the various levels of spice to white people. also teach waiters what not to say thereby preventing a situation where the waiter might say "will you be taking sambhar?" and the white person misunderstands what he is saying and instead assumes he is talking about getting the sambhar to go. gaysin is determined there is a huge market for this. the sad part is his mother encourages him.

after lunch we went grocery shopping. i flirted with minor pakistani boy in cd shop. he gave me 50% off. ooh i can now listen to "happy in my hort, dil dance maare re" in my car. take that tgfi!

as we speak mother is drinking lassi made out of non fat yogurt and sweet and low. gaysin is drinking his chai and aunty is planning to cut open a poly mango and add salt, chilli powder, sugar and vinegar to it. i nodded enthusiastically until i heard the vinegar part.

rediscovering hedberg

2008-05-25T21:10:00.000-05:00

i really really like stand up comedy. when i first came to the us i wasn't the tv expert i am now. i mean i knew what to watch when to watch in india but it took time for me to discover excellent shows on various channels here. one of the first things i got hooked onto was premium blend every friday on comedy central. i remember watching this one guy and i could never remember his name. all i knew was that he had long hair and he told brilliant jokes. something about a receipt for a donut and when people go missing at restaurants. i also remember reading at the end of the show that he had died a couple of years ago. he was young. like forty something. anyway last evening i saw him again on comedy central. it was the same show i had seen before. it had my donut joke. this time i took down his name and right after the show i youtubed him and watched all his videos. mitch hedberg is his name. i read this article where they've compared him to seinfeld and seinfeld's cool and all but hedberg is hedberg man. completely original. all observational humour. and dry. no drama. this isn't chris rock. a robot could tell hedberg's jokes. only he does it better. he's just a stoner guy standing on stage talking about frogs and ducks and sandwiches. just lots of completely random stuff - like the buoyancy of citrus. google that joke. i highly recommend you watch him. if you're already a fan then hey you have excellent taste. it really sucks that he's dead though. really really sucks.

You gotta love Olbermann.

2008-05-25T01:16:00.001-05:00

your birthdays

2008-05-20T11:25:00.001-05:00

i did not forget to call you last year. i called a bunch of times. your stupid phone was out of range but i called.

also it is proper etiquette to inform your friends when you change your cell phone number. also who doesnt check email on their birthday?

***

my favourite birthday memory so far was the one when you, me and kb went to eat at that chettinaad place on 100 ft road and i tried to hide the cake in the back of the car but you saw it way before it was time to see it. you ate that entire cake all by yourself. i'm pretty sure kb only had like one piece and okay maybe i helped a little. ooh isnt chocolate mousse cake from sweet chariot like the best cake ever to dig into? no knives or serving plates required. just two spoons. because who shares spoons? that is not romantic. that's gross.

the only other birthday i remember was at that thai place. you and all your friends, me and my portable reliance landline in case dad called from his lions club meeting to check on me. and yes if the phone had rung in the restaurant i would have answered and done the whole "nothing daddy, im just watching tv. when you coming? dont forget to bring me ice cream" speech. but the phone didnt ring. instead i got to enjoy the excellent satay chicken while pretending i was totally okay sitting between you and whatsherface. *awkward*

***

i always bought you cologne for your birthday. and nice cologne too cause i have good taste. ooh one time i bought you that guha book but only because i wanted to read it too. and one time i bought you that blue checked shirt. and you dont know this but the only reason i bought it was because it reminded me of the shirt rahul dravid was wearing in that poster in my room. hehe.

happy sidmas stupid! i hope you had good cake.

you can't make this stuff up.

2008-05-18T17:49:00.003-05:00

mi madre es tres dramatico and other fun sentences i make up from the mixture of french and español i have learnt and since forgotten.

2008-05-17T19:49:00.007-05:00

the other day i thought i was asking eric [in spanish] if he liked boys and to my great surprise he looking very amused said "um okay." turns out i had just stated to him that i liked boys. gahhh! moving on the real post - mother was invited to a wedding this week. she was over the moon. [do you instantly imagine a cartoon cow jumping over a cartoon moon when anyone uses that expression?]

mother loves weddings. in bangalore she went to at least one a week. funerals and weddings are her most favourite things to attend. sadly she doesn't get to go to many here so when her co worker invited her to her daughter's wedding she was very excited. she has been talking about it for days now. i have been pretending to listen. my brother, the new bakra really makes an attempt to listen. this is great for me because weeks after she has shared with us a fascinating bit of information she'll order me to do something that requires detailed knowledge of such prior information. with brother doing the listening i can always go back and get a quick recap of whatever he understood from all her rambling.

right, the wedding. mother visited bed bath and beyond to buy the happy couple a gift and came home with two exquisitely packed boxes of something householdy they had requested for. the two boxes have since added to the ambiance of our living room and today i kinda sorta miss their pretty blue blurred image. now the corners of my eye only have the dying plant from mother's day to look at. [dying plant courtesy brother "succhay goodd son!" who even bought a gas balloon which is now dead and gone and two cards for mother, one from him and one from me, which i duly signed and handed over to mother. yes i am a terrible child.]

earlier today mother was up at an unearthly hour. she dyed her hair for the special occasion and picked out one of her 113 sarees, an uber chamki majenta one if you must know, which made her look like a character from saas bahu. she then proceeded to pile on all the jewelery that wasn't in a safe deposit box somewhere on herself and then went off to grace the wonderful occasion that was the nuptials of her co worker's daughter and some fool, apparently determined to legally share some fraction of their lives together.

she came back a few hours later looking quite disappointed. apparently it was a very casual affair. "some people were even wearing hawai chappals. can you believe it? pah these american weddings!" also apparently the guests were served some type of a sandwich out of a box. she was most pissed off. since then she has acted out by opening up boxes marked 'showcase things'. how very desi of us.

the showcase things were then arranged in the showcase in the exact same order they were back in the old apartment - african art section, glass object section, silver and bronze object section, doll section, extended doll section, mini altar section [which includes this angel shaped open bible. i can't think of a better description for it], candle section, picture frame section, spoons from around the world section and other worthless junk section.

i was yelled at when i mentioned how everything was in the exact same spot as before. i mean who would've thought packing and boxes were involved in this process. it's as if she hired a giant person to carry the entire showcase from the old living room and place it in the new living room. sadly she did not share my fascination and said something about me only knowing how to make comments and not lifting a finger. another common expression old people like to use. i am all for lifting fingers. i am lifting fingers as we speak. alright, got to go. she just bellowed for me to transport the remainder of the things we never use from the dining table to the living room. i estimate this task should take me at least 8 trips back and forth depending on my balancing skills this evening. why anyone would trust me with breakable objects i don't know. i have to make it all the way from the dining room past the long corridor and into the living room and i'm wearing pajamas that are a little too long for me. bhagwaan jee mujhe shakti de.

in other tragic news i found out a few hours ago that memorial day is not for another week. here i was dreaming of a three day weekend only to be crushed by rude co worker's ill timed comment.

bm jee aka otp - WRITE! i beg you. i am on a fast until you blog again. details of fast will be emailed to you.

complicated vacations and why people who agree to it need to be shot in the face.

2008-05-15T23:56:00.007-05:00

i feel guilty. like im cheating on you with directv or something. i guess technically it's the other way around since directv is my true love. anyway since y'all are so sad i'll copy paste email conversations for your amusement. back in the day every third post was a gtalk conversation. i kinda miss that.

karen sends me some lame forward about eye donation. he adds "plis to be understanding spam value with a message."

i reply: benchod!

karen: is that your new favourite word?

me: what are you doing? how come you don't call me anymore? like when you're drunk and roaming outside my old school at 2 am? and when are you going on your trip?

karen: Going to Delhi on Sunday to meet the other boys and their wives and then we're going to KL on Monday. Ok, I think I'm the only one not really excited about the trip somehow. Except this one place I have decided to eat at, but again, not about the trip. Also, I also found out that the chocolate massage is only for women. I dont really care about the massage, i just want to be dunked in chocolate. It's kind of kinky. All the others have planned what they're going to shop for, where they'll shop, what they will do during the day and night, where they're going to buy their stuff because it's cheaper/not fake, where they'll get their LV purses, where they'll get their cameras, their laptops, their mobiles and even where they'll get their fuckin' underwear washed. Who is abnormal, me or them?

I don't see the fun in the trip if they do that no? WTF happened to walking on the road and wanting to eat something you see on the picture in the window and then going to some mall and buying nonsense you will never use?

me: yeah yeah i hate it when people have everything planned out for their vacation. full schedule from morning to evening with tour guide and alarm clocks. "you see, we must get up at 4 am to trek up a mountian to see the sunrise etc." so lame! vacation means sleeping till some 10:30. the only reason u even wake up at 10:30 is because most hotels will act like benchods and refuse to serve you breakfast after that. after that you relax in your bed and order room service for lunch. then you take a long bath in the exotic tub and roam around the city with big sun glasses. you buy nonsense, stop and point at things in the distance, drink litttle daroo, buy more useless things and if anyone mentions camping, trekking, rock climbing, fishing etc you thup in their face. like that vacation should be. oh and at night u should come to hotel vaapas and get ready full jhaang and go out partying. then get drunk and make out with hot boy or girl of your choice and come back and sleep. rinse. repeat. no?

karen: Your description of the perfect holiday sounds more like a sindhi wedding. Yes, i like that too.

Talking of sunglasses and useless things in the same sentence - i've bought so many pairs but have never worn them because then i have to take off my regular glasses which makes me blind. Whenever i've tried to change the lenses to powered ones they say they can't do it for that particular pair i've bought and then my chutiya brothers flick it and land up losing it in a week. I can't wear contacts because it's too complicated in life.* There is this new awesome contact lense they've come out with which you wear and must take off only at the end of the month. You can supposedly swim, drive, sleep etc wearing it. But my assholing doc didn't "recommend" it because "it is after all a foreign body in the eye". Chutiya.

me: OMG! just get the fucking lenses. or get another doctor. i would have killed myself if it wasnt for contacts in the 10th std. how is it like a sindhi wedding?

* i haven't heard anyone use that expression since the 6th grade. have you?

we can't help liking this boy even though he sounds a little drunk here.

2008-05-15T22:48:00.001-05:00

you. complete. me.

2008-05-12T23:54:00.004-05:00

dear blaudience,

look. directv is back in my life. we have spent the past week exploring each other in ways regular tv viewers wont quite get. hence the blog has had to suffer. be patient. watch some tv or something.

muah!

p.s. i am dying to watch jimmy starring mimoh but rbr is being a total bitch. he's taking forever to find the illegal online copy for me. i will promise you if it's even half as fun as aap ka suroor i'll do a review.

my sicrit plan to get rich - ridding the world of cats while ensuring there are enough adorable babies around to make up for the lack of cute kittens.

2008-05-05T15:43:00.016-05:00

did you hear?

now here's my million dollar idea - instead of celebrities adopting random babies and giving them exotic names they should instead make exotic looking babies and give them up for adoption. you know, to the general public. of course there would need to be some type of a bidding process and all the money could go to charity - a mirror less home for ugly babies with no celeb parents or something. i'm just saying the world could use more good looking babies. don't hate me. i'm just trying to be an entrepreneur. call me, donny deutsch.

p.s. if you're wondering what brought on this wonderful mood i can confirm that it was in fact the rain. it rained all morning and now it's all green and hill stationy outside my house.

p.p.s. we have now been cat free for almost 40 hours. life is good.

also dude tashan wasn't terrible. that u me aur hum on the other hand. good god!

fascinating little stories [code for - crap i think of when there's no tv]

2008-05-03T20:17:00.006-05:00

the other day i was bored and i didn't have anything to do except unpack boxes. this was before i figured out i could steal the internet from unsuspecting neighbours. anyway i found this box of stationery with new notebooks and pencils and a box of dried up pens. i sharpened a bunch of pencils for a while. it was very calming. you should try it. then i started trying out all the pens and i ended up writing some 6 pages of absolute nonsense but it was very therapeutic, actually physically writing something. plus there's no backspace button so it's exactly how the thoughts flow out from your head. unfiltered and mostly gibberish. it was pretty cool. i would show you guys if i had a scanner. it's not like you could read it anyway, i have terrible handwriting.

my nose hurts. it's like someone secretly injected it with something when i was sleeping. it hurts when i touch it.

i found out the cat does not belong to the gaybours. i don't know how to get rid of the thing. anyone in the area want a kitty cat? it's tiny and black and i'm sure a lot of people will find it adorable. ooh i did get to meet the "roommate". not so hot. also i realized there's no way i could go watch tv with them. not with all those cats. and it's not like anyone invited me.

monday is when the directv people are supposed to show up with that extra receiver and the international dish. i'm going insane thinking of all the things that could possibly go wrong. there's like this evil force out there that is hell bent on keeping me away from my directv. is there a puja for that? let me know asap cause we just got back from the indian store and we have fresh coconut.

there's this open space between the garage and the back door where you can sit. and it's breezy and there's a step and for some reason it reminds me of bangalore. just that patch. i plan on sitting there a lot, in the evenings when it's cooler. see this is why we have to get rid of the animal . i'm not about to share my special space with a whiny kitty cat.

i think i'm done for now. thank you for listening.

***

hello kitty update - gaybour came over to see the cat, fell in love with it and took it to bottle feed it special pet milk. brother wasn't here when it happened. now we're trying to come up with a believable story for him. so far we have -

a: it saw something and took off. sadly this happened right as bastige was driving into his garage and ......... sob..... i'm so sorry for your loss.

b: its mother came looking for it. she asked that you meet with her later.

c: a little boy rang the doorbell crying. he said he had lost his cat. we returned it of course.

d: it accidentally got into the washing machine....i'm so sorry for your loss.

e. it looked hungry. i tried to feed it mosaranna. it threw up instantly and jumped over the neighbour's fence.

houston, we have a problem.

2008-05-03T14:02:00.005-05:00

i can't believe i hadn't used that as a title yet.

there is a cat in my house.

a real live cat. it's about as big as my blackberry. my brother is responsible for its presence in the building. he claims it wandered into the backyard. i have a strong feeling it belongs to the gaybours. they have a cat. it probably just birthed a dozen or so such mini cats and it probably hasn't missed this one yet. or it has and at present it is plotting its revenge. currently kitty cat lives in a box in the garage. during the night when mother is asleep brother brings it up to his room where it makes strange creepy noises. i'm scared to walk down the stairs at night for fear of tripping over it. the gaybours aren't home right now and brother refuses to take it to a shelter like mother insists he should. he also refuses to just make it go the fuck away.

in other news kindly be seeing.

moving, meeting the new neighbours, losing my cell phone charger and other fun things i did today while you all had another regular old hump day.

2008-04-30T23:07:00.002-05:00

we moved today. same complex. bigger place and you'd think that would make it easier but no. it was still excruciatingly painful. okay not so much for me because most of my stuff was still in boxes, you know from when we moved here from colorado oh some 8 months ago. see i knew it was a good idea to put off unpacking.

i like my new room but i hate my closet. it's half the size of my old one which makes no sense cause that room was smaller. i'm still trying to see if mother will switch rooms with me cause her room has the big walk in closet. i want!! what does she need that for anyway? if you ask her she'll tell you for the 113 sarees she has. she counted them in the process of moving. she announced it to me and my brother very sadly. apparently most of her sarees are back home in india and the 113 lying around here just wont do.

in tragic news i missed the directv guys today. they came to set everything up but i was in the old house and they ended up leaving a note on my door. i was pissed cause all they had to do was call me on my cell phone and i would've skipped over here in two minutes. it's been two days y'all, without the tv. it's killing me. last night i felt like a homeless person cause half my stuff was in the old house and half was in the new house and i was like wait which one is my home and normally the answer to that question is simple. wherever the tv is, that's your home right but there was no tv set up in either place and i was sad and confused and i felt all alone in this big bad world. also the internet isn't working yet but i was able to steal the neighbour's internet. don't you love that? ooh ooh guess who i met today? my new neighbours. we were in the garage and this guy walks up and he's all hi i'm r and i'm your new neighbour. he's totally adorable and totally gay. he lives with his "roommate" and his mother. he was all don't worry we're nice people. i also met this other bastige old man neighbour. my car was blocking his garage door but wtf we were unpacking. anyway he claims that he sat in his car honking for ten minutes and no one answered. luckily gay neighbour heard him and came and rang my doorbell which i heard thankfully. he was like okay don't panic but your car is blocking this man's garage and he's threatening to get it towed but ignore him, he's a total jerk. so i run out to move my car and then he starts yelling. so yeah at least now i know which neighbours to talk to. i was thinking of going to go visit the nice neighbours with some cookies in the hopes that they would invite me to watch tv with them. i figured i would complain about how i had missed my directv guys and how i was so miserable. anyway since i have the internet now and i can watch netflix i think i'll manage. oh and the internet i'm stealing does not belong to the nice neighbours. i know this because the network id that said dan's network [that would be the roommate] was locked. so yeah, this is someone else with no password. idiot.

they named you what??

2008-04-26T22:17:00.004-05:00

so it's summer. well it feels like it anyway and so i have planned for myself a fun road trip. i happen to have the wondrous task of moving a bright shiny red car [soon to be my bright shiny red car] all the way from la to houston. what is that like 5 days? i haven't bothered to check yet but i'm thinking instead that i will drive it in the direction of colorado and visit some friends. by visit i mean live with them until they decide to kick me out of their house once they realise what a bad influence i am on the baby and the dog, both of which are lovely by the way when they're not drooling on me. just because you're cute doesn't make it okay for you to drool on people, unless you're romany malco. then you get to do whatever you want.

anyway you know how people are always bitching about the price of gas? i'm usually like shut the fuck up because i mean it's cheaper than coffee. that stuff is killing my finances. but like now this whole gas price thing is going to affect me tremendously as i begin to partake in this journey across this ginormous land. a journey which i hope will help me discover myself cause yeah that ain't happened yet. oh also in case you're wondering what happened with r. nothing happened. he hasn't mentioned the text at all. not once. so i'm assuming he's not into it and we're going to leave it at that. except he's still doing the whole messing with my stationary thing followed by stupid grinning. like wtf am i supposed to get from that? do i still think he's hot? hell yeah!

in silly news RBR - my good friend and one time hospital stretcher thief introduced to me the official ipl team page, a page that has since brought us much joy. look, some of the players happen to have some funny names, that's all. also we're both like 12 years old and we'll giggle at anything.

for example:

Wilkin Mota is on the same team as Ramesh Powar. interesting...

there exists a player by the name of M.S.Ghoni. apparently it stands for Manpreet Singh Ghoni and last time we checked he is not in fact related to M.S.Dhoni.

also there's one fool named Napoleon Einstein. seriously.

then my favourite twosome Shadab Jakati and Yo Mahesh. i predict the following incident taking place sometime soon on a cricket field near you.

"YO mahesh!"
"shaddup dude!"
bitch slap. booo hooooo.

also there's Loots Bosman and Luke Ronchi and Pinal Shah. *giggle giggle*

also Sumit Khatri and Taruwar Kohli's names are strategically placed right next to each other. no comprende? okay katri means knife and koli means chicken. did i mention the team is sponsored by kfc?

and then by far my most favourite name - Ajinkya Rahane. this is seriously some dude's real name? it's as if his parents were given random scrabble letters and this is the best they could come up with. ajinkya it seems!

okay happy weekend!! and watch baby momma. you all love tina fey and amy poehler no? plus romany malco's in it. he doesn't get to make out with anyone but at least he's there with his adorable puppy dog eyes.

awwww i kinda miss you CU!!

2008-04-21T21:58:00.001-05:00

i wonder if this little gathering had anything to do with the wildfire in boulder last evening. hmmmm.....

do not send me save the dolphin forwards. ambani is not going to do shit if i sign a damn petition. plus that's hayden panettiere's job.

2008-04-13T01:44:00.009-05:00

so i'm officially all weeded out. june 16th is when the fourth season of weeds comes out. i don't know how i'm going to survive till then. i just might have to watch all three seasons again. or just season 3 episode 12. mm mm mmm!

other things i watched today - smart people. not a very smart movie. if anything it was dreadfully boring. that juno girl didn't have enough funny things to say. also sarah jessica parker is officially a hag. you know who else is a hag? helen hunt. there's this new movie she's doing with matthew broderick who by the way is most definitely gay. how does sarah jessica parker not know her husband is gay? she of all people should know. anyway in the movie helen hunt's neck looks 90 years old and she's playing a 39 year old trying to have a baby. Also when you're almost forty why try to force nature? why not just adopt a good looking child? of course you'd need to test it first. make sure it isn't stupid. alright alright all you part time blogger - full time mommy readers [my favourite blogger demographic by the way, not really] can stop hating me. i'm only joking. sort of.

in other exciting news i had my first bucket of dibs today. i was amazed at how long it stayed solid. i kept waiting for it to melt. how do they do that?? wait. i don't actually want a scientific explanation so all you geeks can zip it. i just find it fascinating, the technology of our times! poppable ice cream balls! ooh also apparently they have a mint flavour. is it any good? is it solid mint outside and vanilla inside?

p.s. in tragic news i just discovered there is no more wine in the house.

p.p.s. i will henceforth be sharing with you random things i heard on weeds just as and when i remember them. for now i will leave you with 'snow nigger'. i know it's terribly offensive and i'm sure it existed way before the show but it makes me giggle okay?

p.p.p.s. there is absolutely no truth to this. clearly baby v and puppy m have been snorting coke again. shame on you two. bacchon ke baarein mein socho.

happy weekend. muah.

what the fuck was i thinking? [play song on the right for special effects]

2008-04-11T23:41:00.004-05:00

i did something really brave yesterday. i asked a boy out. and he said yes. it wasn't as filmy as i had imagined it would be [there's only that much drama that can take place over text message] but not to worry i will work on that during the actual date, which will happen as soon as i ask him out again because technically i only asked him if it would be appropriate to ask him out. i didn't actually ask him out. anyway right after he was done with all the awwwing i made him promise not to tell anyone at work and in exchange for some cookies he has agreed to keep his mouth shut.

i will keep you guys updated. i get that this is very inspirational to a lot of folks. if i can do it hey there's hope for everyone. now i have to go find something to wear. ta.

getting to know the boy

2008-04-07T20:50:00.004-05:00

i got ten minutes of alone time with r today because for the better part of the lunch hour eric sat around us chewing his apple and making fox news jokes. idiot. when he finally left the room r turned to me and asked what i was eating.

upma.

who?

it's like grits.

oh yeah?

but with vegetables and spices. what are you eating?

leftover rice and vegetables. i leaned over to take a look. it looked terrible.

do you cook?

sort of. i mean i manage. i usually just make whatever i'm cooking really spicy. that way it's edible.

aah.

does your mum cook for you a lot?

when i go over to her place i usually take lots of empty containers.

aah.

hey, i wanted to tell you about this local cricket league i found out about. this one guy i know plays for them.

really?

yeah. i had no idea they had those here.

well there are lots of south asian people who live here so..

true. they sure love their cricket. in jamaica too it's hard not to get into cricket.

mm hmm. did you play?

yeah but one time i got hit by a ball...

oh oh!

those things are hard.

hell yeah!

plus i liked soccer and track better. i did play some street cricket as a kid. we had this carpenter guy who would give us pieces of wood. i mean you had to work on it a bit but when you got it nice and smooth it was a bat.

nice! my cousins had a proper cricket bat. we all took turns batting. no one ever wanted to bowl. we didn't even own a proper cricket ball. tennis ball, plastic, anything would do.

yeah. we played with the tennis ball a lot too. if we ever did get ourselves a proper red cricket ball it was usually pink and bent out of shape by the time it got to us.

hee hee.

good times. he had this wistful look on his face. wistful/dreamy. i took the opportunity to study his features. i decided he needed a shave.

so, how old were you when you left jamaica?

i was nineteen when we immigrated but man those were some incredible years. i wouldn't change that for the world.

sigh. we're liking this boy more and more. at one point i almost reached out to pet him. don't ask. he looked pettable. anyway i didn't. here's what i did do. this incredibly hot boy showed up later in a bright green shirt and a ridiculous afro. the weird part was he looked kinda desi. the affro threw me off. anyway i saw r talking to him so of course i called his extension to find out how he knew him and he's like why do you ask and without thinking twice i say well duh he was so cute. he laughed. i'm not sure why i did that. he was incredibly cute though. plus i am easily distracted. anyway i realise i need to keep my eyes on the prize and so i have decided to make a list of things i like about r. so far i have this -

is hot.

dresses well.

smells good.

clean hands.

voted for obama.

can be bribed anytime with cookies. they have to be macadamia nut.

has played cricket.

has the most adorable laugh.

has big puppy dog eyes.

likes his food spicy.

that accent.

things we're not so thrilled about -

talks to his mom way too much.

has this annoying cell phone headset he walks around with. in his defense i haven't seen it in a while. let's hope he got rid of it.

existence of offspring.

possible temper issues. one time he got really mad when someone got his lunch order wrong. either he was really hungry that day or the boy has anger management issues and i don't need that.

p.s. you know i've realised if there's one thing i'm really good it's making myself fall for someone. like i'll usually take my time but once i've decided i'm going to fall for them i get around to doing just that. i wont actually do anything about it but hey at least i won't have boredom issues. at least not until i'm bored with the idea of being in love with them. yeah i'm really ready for the tv shows to be back.

p.p.s. so who watches weeds? i just got into it and i need to discuss the fabulosity of this show. email me.

what a life

2008-04-05T10:43:00.001-05:00

On 4/5/08, Karan **r**i <karan**r**i@gmail.com> wrote:>

so i'm driving to pondy for some hopefully awesome breakfast tomorrow. Taking the beach route via kerala. Fully excited. Should be back for monday dinner.

lunch time romance. the delusional kind.

2008-04-02T11:59:00.003-05:00

you're sitting less than a foot away. we're breathing the same air. and im okay with that. see right there it's obvious i like you more than the average human.

you eat your lunch silently. you're being careful not to make too much noise. it's okay you know if you want to chew loud. you can turn the tv on too. i know you like some background noise. ooh is it because it drowns out the chewing?

who just texted you? why aren't you replying? is it your baby momma? what happened there? i mean its not really any of my business but you know, im curious. also what did you mean when you said i don't smile at you? sure i do. im just not at my confident best when im around someone im crushing on. i get awkward. maybe you think im just incredibly arrogant. or mysterious. or both. what do you think? who be texting you again fool? chomp chomp. okay its unnatural to eat that quietly. now im worried. i'll never be comfortable eating around you. that one time at the mexican restaurant was different though. cause there were like forty people there. we talked cricket remember? always a good topic. you were going to make me taste your mother's supposedly mouth shattering dish. id like that. your mum sounds cute. when she calls. with that accent. "will you ask him to call his mother back please?" okay aunty, i want to say. what else am i going to call her? mrs. b is too formal. you can call my mother aunty. im never you introducing to her though. she crazy. you can meet my brother. he'll leave you alone. ooh now you're texting back. fine. i'll go upstairs. my biryani is cold.